Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 5, Episode 5 - Take-Over - full transcript

♫ Ground floor, perfumery

♫ Stationary and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor, telephones

Enter.

I've told the staff that
they're required in here

and they're waiting outside.

Oh, good, show them in.

Yes, right.

Oh, by the way, I haven't
told them anything



about what you're going to tell about.

How do you know what
I'm going to tell them?

Well, I do empty the
wastepaper baskets for Mr. Grace.

It came as a bit of a nasty shock to me.

That is absolutely top secret.

We don't want this to
leak to the outside world.

Mum's the word.

Alright, you lot, come
in now, he'll see you.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, Mr. Grace.

Shut the door, Peacock.

Yes, sir.

Now, what I have to say
is of the utmost importance.

So, gather close, because I don't want



to have to raise my voice.

This is absolutely top secret.

Last night, I was summoned to
a meeting at boardroom level.

And we discussed matters
that will have a far-reaching

effect on us all.

I know what it is.

We're going to declare war
on Marshall and Snowgroves.

- If you are facetious, Mr.
Lucas, you can leave the room.

Now, I cannot emphasize too strongly

the need for complete security.

And I cannot emphasize too strongly

that if we hold this position much longer,

I'll need an osteopath to me back right.

You get used to it with practice.

I must point out that
we are the third floor,

so who from the outside
could possibly hear us?

Someone very tall from Lilywhites.

When I tell you what
I'm going to tell you,

you will all realize the
reason for my concern.

Well, get on with it, then.

Right.

This may come as a
great shock to you all--

Oh, blimey.

Perhaps you'd rather not tell us, sir.

I wish I didn't have to.

Alright, then, I'll tell 'em.

There's been a takeover
bid for Grace Brothers,

from Lalley's and Willet's.

How dare you.

That information was
absolutely confidential.

Well, you said you
didn't want to tell them.

I didn't want to, but I was going to.

Lalley and Willet's, that's
a Bristol firm, isn't it?

Nevermind where they hang
out, what's in it for us.

It's no secret that their pay structure

is the worst in the trade.

When they took over Cranbourne's,
the whole sales staff

left within a month.

What, even those who
had been there 30 years?

They were the first to go.

When is all this happening?

I don't know.

But there's to be a shareholder's
meeting in a day or two.

Meanwhile, mum's the word.

Well, that's all, carry on, everybody.

Keep smiling, Peacock.

It'll tear my heart out to see them go.

What makes you think
that you'll be staying?

Have you heard something, Harman?

Well, nah, just little
bits that I pick up

in the wastepaper basket.

But have you seen a list?

Well, no, no, not exactly.

But you know how Mr. Grace
likes to doodle on the blotter?

Well, the day before
yesterday, he drawed a man

before the firing squad.

Could you see who it was?

No, he was blindfolded.

What makes you think it was me?

The blindfold sort of stuck out.

Oh, here's a job for you, Shirley.

"Adaptable girl wanted to
assist jet-setting director

"of cosmetics firm.

"Must have a little German."

I don't think I'm that adaptable.

I think people are too fussy.

Oh, there's one here for me.

"Glamorous personal assistant required

"by director of film company.

"Much travel, 5,000 a year."

I say, 5,000 a year?

"No typing or shorthand necessary.

"Must be under 30."

Oh, dear, just too late.

Anyone fancy being a barber's assistant,

with fringe benefits?

Listen to this: "Organ
demonstrator wanted."

The only job for which
I seem to be qualified

is that of a chairman.

Company chairman?

No, deck chairman.

Oh, here's a job, here's
one for you, Captain Peacock.

"Wanted: ex-army officer
of imposing appearance.

"Used to rugged outdoor life, must be able

"to get on well with Arab royalty."

Oh, a diplomatic post.

Well, in a way.

Doorman at the Dorchester.

Yeah, what we really want is one of them

millionaires who's looking
for a young girl Friday.

Yeah, or in Mrs. Slocombe's
case, an old girl Saturday.

Of course, there is
one vacancy that requires

to be filled.

Between Mr. Lucas' ears.

No mind, Mrs. Slocombe.

You an always fall back on your hobby.

Mr. Humphreys, to
what are you inferring?

You could open a pet shop.

Yeah, you can put a
flashing light outside,

saying "If your pussy's in the mood,

"have it clipped, and then shampooed."

I'm afraid I shall never
get another job, at my age.

Remember, Harris, Churchill
didn't come into his own

until he was your age.

No, but he had the
whole country behind him.

I've only got Mrs. Granger.

And she hates having me in the kitchen.

All day she says that I
make the milk go sour.

I'm sure we're all
being too pessimistic.

Apparently, they have to put
the bid to the shareholders,

and they might not agree.

Uh, sorry to interrupt
this jolly little gathering,

but Mr. Rumbold wants to see
you all in the boardroom.

Well he can wait til
we've finished our coffee.

Yeah, what does he want, anyway?

Some scheme he's got to save your jobs.

Excuse me, sir, the ladies
and gents department is here

for the top secret meeting.

Oh, good, show them in.

Yeah.

This way for the top secret meeting.

Oh, good morning, everybody.

Good morning, Mr. Grace.

Now, do sit down, everybody.

Thank you, sir.

Have you got your
pencil and notebook ready?

Yes, Mr. Grace.

Well, throw them away,
this is top secret.

Now, that does bring
me to my first point.

Now, I want you all to
listen very carefully.

What I'm about to tell you
is absolutely confidential.

What was that?

I was just telling them
that what I'm about to say

is absolutely confidential.

Oh, you want me to leave the room?

No, sir, you told me.

Think we could have some
tea while we're waiting?

You will all be pleased to hear

that young Mr. Grace is in a position

to defeat the takeover bid
by Lalley and Willet's.

Well done, sir, thank you very much.

I haven't finished, haven't finished.

Enough votes have been sent in
to defeat the motion by post.

Must say that comes as
a great relief to us all.

Unfortunately, postal
votes do not count.

The actual shareholders have
to be present in person.

That is a pity.

'Tis indeed a pity.

Because those that can attend
are in favor of the takeover.

They will outvote Mr.
Grace, who will as a result,

lose his shares in Grace Brothers.

But what was that?

You will lose your share.

I haven't been getting it for years.

The balance could be
swayed by the attendance

of just four more persons.

Well, can't we get them here?

They're abroad.

Organ demonstrating, here I come.

Well, you'll all agree that Mr. Grace

has always been absolutely straightforward

in all his business dealings.

And he has come up with
several, straightforward,

business-like solutions
to all our problems.

Mr. Grace.

Oh, yes, yes, ah, yes.

One, burn down the store,
take the insurance,

and start up somewhere else.

Mr. Grace!

Well, it worked in 1928.

Two, get the mafia to
rub out the opposition.

I got that one from Kojak.

Three, hijack Mrs. Willis,
lock her in the safe,

and throw away the combination.

Hawaii Five-0.

Four, photograph my secretary
in bed with Mr. Willet.

Oh, they did that in Columbo.

Five, the ultimate weapon,
photograph Mr. Humphreys

in bed with Mr. Willet.

Is there a program I've missed?

Now, I have advised Mr. Grace that these

are rather extreme measures.

But he got carried away by reading

Howard Hughes' life story.

I've never heard anything
so outrageous in my life.

Uh, why don't you do something simple,

like put a ringer in.

How do you mean, Mr. Harman.

Well, you know, like with the horses.

I mean, if one ain't gonna
run, they substitute it

with another.

You see, you've got four
shareholders missing,

so impersonate 'em.

You've got a criminal mind, you have.

No, I ain't got a criminal mind.

I mean, they've already voted.

They just can't get here.

It does sound more feasible
than the other plans, sir.

I see, well, well,
get on, then, about it.

Well, hands up all those
who are willing to have a go?

I think I speak for everybody present

when I say that we want
nothing to do with it.

And I am unanimous in that, as well.

There's a hundred pounds in
it for anybody who takes part.

Now, before I start, I want to emphasize

that what I'm about to say
is absolutely top secret.

After he's done it
do you think he's going

to self-destruct in a puff of smoke?

Now, we have obtained
some background material

on the absent shareholders.

Now, the object is, to
choose which shareholders

we can best impersonate.

For which, we get 100 quid.

If chosen.

Have any of you ever done
any impersonations before?

Mr. Humphreys has, but
the case was dismissed

for lack of evidence.

I can do Winston Churchill.

He wasn't a shareholder.

I was once mistaken for a film star.

Male or female?

Well, I was wearing my hair down,

and from the back, I looked
just like Veronica Lake.

From the front, Windermere Lake.

Mr. Lucas.

Which is one of the
world's great beauty spots,

Mrs. Slocombe.

Now, then, let's see what we have, now.

There's Jeffrey Longman.

He is 28, broad-shouldered, six foot two,

blonde hair, blue eyes,
wealthy yacht owner.

I like the sound of that.

You're not tall enough.

I know, I just like the sound of it.

And, ah, Andrew McNann, from Aberdeen,

45, landowner, ex-captain Scots Guards,

mustache, dark hair.

"Scots, wha hae wi Wallace bled

"Scots, wham Bruce has aften led

"Welcome tae yer gory bed,

"Or tae victorie."

Ah, he has one ear missing.

Not for a hundred poonds, pounds.

Ah, oh, Sir Richard
Ryan, 65, five foot six,

landowner, Somerset.

Oh, you could do that, Mr. Granger.

Somerset?

Oh, yeah, oh, aye, yeah, way, yeah.

Educated at Eton.

Oh, yes, ha, ha, ha, right, ha, ha, ha.

We'll let you know.

I think that's very good.

Unfortunately he has rather a lot of hair.

We'll fix him up with
something from the wig boutique.

Right.

Mr. Granger, you are Sir Richard.

Oh, ah, well, jolly good so, ha, ha, ha.

Alright, calm down, you've got the part.

Now, oh, this chap's
quite a large shareholder.

Professional dancer.

Oh, Mr. Humphreys does a bit of dancing,

don't you, Mr. Humphreys?

Oh, yes.

The word versatile has
been applied to me before.

I must stop you, I must stop you.

He only has one leg.

And he is from Nigeria.

Could you play a one-legged
Nigerian tap dancer?

Not with any degree of sincerity.

What 'bout us women,
don't we have any shares?

Well, there is the Stableforth family.

Lady Stableforth is
described as forty-ish,

stout-ish, not very tall-ish,
played hockey for Roedean.

Well, I've done hockey.

Her daughter, Lavinia, has
an equal number of shares.

She's 26, jet-setting play
girl, known to her friends

as Bucky.

Dare one ask why?

Well, to judge from the photograph,

it's because she has prominent buck teeth.

Well, we sell those
in the joke department.

I'm not wearing joke teeth.

That's not the problem, Miss Brahams.

The point is, are you
young enough to pass off

as my daughter?

One doesn't wish to
bring class into this,

but Miss Brahams has got a very definite

Cockney accent, which, in
itself is most charming,

but could she pass herself
off as a lady of quality?

My background might be ever so humble,

but I can talk just as
hoity toity as what you can,

when required so to do.

'Specially for an hundred nicker.

And whom is going to
simulate my husband?

Well.

Lord Stableforth is
about 55, a self-made man

from the East End of London.

Salvage merchant.

He made a life peer for his services

to the scrap medal
industry in the vicinity

of 10 Downing Street.

Cor' blimey, governor, you're a toff.

I've got big ones, small ones,

some as big as your head.

Give 'em a twist, flick
of the wrist, and--

Yes, yes, that'll be all.

Thank you, Captain Peacock.

I hate to bring class into this,

but you wouldn't last
five minutes in Dockland.

Very few of us would.

I'm afraid we still
need a middle-aged Cockney

to play Mrs. Slocombe's husband.

Here we are, then.

Rosy Lee for Mr. Rumbold.

I spilt a drop in the
saucer, so mind you don't

get drops down your whistle.

Perfect.

Who's perfect?

The height, the age, the voice.

Exactly what Mrs. Slocombe's looking for.

What, him?

Oh, no, I'd never marry him.

I'd rather have Captain Peacock,

even if he isn't good at it.

Well, I could improve my performance

if Miss Brahams gave me some lessons.

Oh, no, it's something you
have to pick up with your ear.

You've lost me completely.

It's really quite
simple, let me explain.

Now, what I'm about to tell
you is absolutely top secret.

I'm sorry I'm taking so long.

Take as long as you like, my dear.

Keep your chin up.

It's not easy.

Shall I answer it?

Yes, yes, do, I could do with a break.

Give my pacemaker a chance
to keep up with me emotions.

That is bad news, I'll
tell him right away.

Oh, it's the chef and the waiter, sir.

They were doing the lunch
at the Brighton branch,

and their van's broken down.

Oh dear, well, you'd
better get me Mr. Rumbold.

Yes, and can you cook?

Well, no sir.

What can you do?

- Well--
- Now, now just...

Oh, Mr. Grace!

Oh, yes, Mr. Grace, I'll
get onto it right away.

Yes, sir.

That's one chef, and two waiters.

Well, sir, the store's just closing,

I don't know who I'm going to
find at this time of night.

But, you can rely on me, sir.

Somebody will be there.

Well, don't blame me, Captain Peacock!

This suit's even too
small for me, you'd look

ridiculous in it, wouldn't you?

It is quite absurd that you should be

the head waiter, while
I have to be a commy.

I mean, I have the dignity,
the bearing, the personality.

But you can't get into the suit.

It just looks stupid.

Well, I don't see why.

I mean, in the best
restaurants, you often see

elderly men in a servile position.

Left at life's starting gate.

While the young ones with
the ambition and the drive

get to the top.

And your pinny's crooked.

Sounds like the chef.

What's happened, Fanny Cradock?

I have just seen this
menu, and it's absolutely

impossible for me to do in
the time allotted to me.

Look, man, these have
been specially printed

for the occasion.

Yes, well in that case, get the people

that's printed the menus to cook the meal.

Listen to this.

Bisque de homard, or
gazpacho, or smoked eel.

And that's just for starters.

Well, smoked eel isn't difficult.

Oh, isn't it?

It is when it's been in the
deep freeze, look at it!

Get a blow lamp to that,
it'll be ready for Christmas.

And that's not all.

Sole Veronique followed by duck l'orange,

Followed by boeuf e croute,
followed by syllabubs

or zabaglione, followed by my resignation,

because I'm not doing none of it.

Mr. Humphreys, it is too
late to get another cook now,

and the whole future of
Grace Brothers is at stake.

I'm sure you can do something.

I mean we're all in this together.

You don't think I enjoy being
dressed like this, do you?

Oh, I should think not indeed,
and your pinny's crooked.

I keep telling you about that, Stephen.

In spite of our assumed
positions, Mr. Lucas,

I will not have you addressing
me in the familiar fashion.

Don't worry.

I won't be familiar with you anymore, sir.

In fact, when we get into
the other room, in there,

I won't even address you at all.

I shall just go...

And you'll jump to it like
you've never jumped before.

I think we must be
very careful, Mr. Lucas.

If we do save the firm, some of our lives

are not going to be worth living.

My life's not worth living, now.

Me trousers are too tight, and
me potatoes are boiling over.

If I can't find a tin
opener, it's going to be

a nail and a hammer and two holes in a can

of vegetable soup, with straws

for everybody to suck it up with.

Oh, we'd better see
if everything's ready

in the director's dining room.

There you are, that's done it.

It's much easier from the back.

Excuse me, these are the waiters, sir.

Well, it was very short notice, I mean.

Somebody will have
to announce the guests.

I'll do that with pleasure, sir.

Oh, no you can't do that.

I'm the head waiter round here.

We can't have a common
commy introducing the guests

with a crooked pinny.

Yeah, straighten your pinny.

And your trousers are too short.

If I lower them to
the correct length, sir,

it might lead to complaints of a rather

more serious nature.

Don't worry, they'll
ride down with wear.

The guests are on their way up now, sir.

Alright, get ready everybody.

Yes, alright, I'll be
over there, by the door.

Stephen, the sherry.

One more insult from that man,

and these clothes are coming off.

Don't start distracting
me now, I'm very busy.

There are three empty sherry glasses.

Yes, one's in the
trifle, and two are in me.

My lords, ladies, and g--

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,
Mr. Henry Grant Hopkins.

Oh, oh, hey.

Your name, madam?

Lady Weebleablesmith.

- Pardon?
- Lady Weebleablesmith.

Lady...

Your name, sir?

I beg your pardon.

The name, so I can introduce you.

The name is Granger.

The name of the person you're supposed

to be impersonating, you berk.

Oh, aha, ha, ha, ha.

Sir Richard Ryan.

Here, yes.

Ah, yah, ha.

Good evening, Sir Richard.

Ha, yah.

This is Lady Weebleablesmith.

Ah, ha, yah.

Oh, you'll have a lot in common

with Henry Grant Hopkins, here.

You both went to Eton.

Sir Richard, Sir Richard,
you don't have a glass.

Stephen!

Lord and Lady Stableforth.

We got your message and
we came from Monte Carlo

before you could say nafe.

I don't think you know
Lord Stableforth, my hubby.

Aye, count on it.

Is your daughter not with you?

Oh, you mean our Lavinia?

She's just tarting herself
up in the powder room.

The honorable Lavinia Stableforth.

Well, hello.

Did you go to Monte Carlo, as well?

Oh, but of course.

Do you know, I won around
about 5,000 pounds.

Mr. Humphreys!

Don't talk to me!

What happened to your hat?

I put the reckoner on number nine.

I bent down to light the
pilot light, and poof.

I was lucky to get away with my life.

They're not ready for the soup,

they've only just started the sherry.

Well, go and tell them
that dinner's ready.

They've just started their sherry!

I have been slaving over that hot stove

for an hour, now.

I am not having my dinner ruined

by a lot of drunken men.

Now, you finish off this
soup.

Dinner is served!

Boy, jump to it!

Right, get this soup into the plates

and down their throats.

My prawn souffle's ahead of itself,

in two minutes, it'll be ready.

She's that brainy, is our lovey.

She passed out of Roedean
with flying colors,

I can tell you.

Oh, yeah, me and the old dutch

was dead proud of her,
weren't we, darling, eh?

Get off.

Bit toffee-nosed, now,
but she's like a wild animal

when she's roused.

If your daddy does that
again, I shall have to give him

a belt round the mouth.

Do be careful, waiter,
you've spilt some.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
I'm very, I'm very...

I'm terribly sorry.

Mr. Humphreys, what
on earth are you doing?

My souffle's got out of control!

Get those soup plates!

They've only just started their soup!

It doesn't matter!

We shall be swept out of here
on a tidal wave of souffle!

Boy, the door!

By jove, them from below
stairs is jolly nifty.

I haven't even finished my brine Windsor.

I can't hold it, I can't hold it.

It's not spoiled, is it?

Of course it's spoiled!

Oh, me Yorkshires!

I can't go on, I can't go on!

What do we do now?

Give 'em the soup back.

I think we better tell
them that dinner is late,

and they should start the speeches.

Right, you go and tell 'em.

You're the head waiter.

And in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to draw your attention

to the difference between myself
and all the other speakers.

I am a self-made man,
and I got where I got

through hard graft, as
like did Mr. Grace, here.

He's been on for 10 minutes.

If he doesn't hurry up,
my bonne surprise is doomed.

Go with his spirit, I say.

Stay with age and experience,
and keep Mr. Grace, here,

head of this great company,
and tell Lalley and Willet,

to go and take a running jump, themselves.

Hear, hear.

Let us keep this spirit, this spirit

what he has got, here, what was the spirit

of Drake, and Raleigh, and it made England

the great place it was,
as it will be, again.

Are you with me, brothers?

And we will not be taken over, will we?

No, no indeed.

Right, well, there
you are then, that's it.

Well done, well done, Mister...

What's his name?

Lord Stableforth.

Well, well done.

Yeah, well, I would like
to put one further thing

to the vote, and that is, I move

that young Mr. Grace here takes us out

for a decent nosh at the
best restaurant in the town.

Would you believe it, they're
all going out to dinner.

Oh, that's typical of men.

The minute the dinner's
ready, they want to go

on somewhere else.

Go and ask 'em if we're invited.

You're the head waiter.

You're the shop steward.

So I said to our audit number 10,

I don't want the others to think that just

because I've seen you
right with the dustbins,

that I'm going to get a peerage.

Excuse me, sir.

I hope that your invitation extends

to those who've worked so hard
for you behind the scenes?

Yes, of course Stephen.

Thank you, you're very
kind, your lordship.

Yes, well all I've got to
do is put a phone call in,

and they'll let you eat with
the staff, in the kitchens.

I'm not eating in the kitchen.

They won't even let you
in unless you straighten

your pinny.

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gent's ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes, going up

♫ Second floor, carpets

♫ Travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings

♫ Restaurant and teas, going up