Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 5, Episode 2 - A Change Is as Good as a Rest - full transcript

♫ Ground floor: Perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods,

♫ wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food.

♫ Going up...

♫ First floor: Telephones,
gents ready made suits, shirts,

♫ socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes.

Would you all take a seat.

Mister Grace will be down any minute.

What's all this about, Mister Harman?

Well, you've asked the right person.

It so happens that I know
precisely what's going on.

Do you mean to tell me that
Mister Grace has taken you



into his confidence?

No, he hasn't.

I just had a quick look
in this folder here

and I know all the details
he's gonna discuss.

Unfortunately, my lips is sealed.

But it's all in that folder.

I wonder if we're all
going to get a rise?

Or a cut.

Perhaps it's a takeover
by the Army and Navy.

Oh, that'd be nice.

Perhaps some Arab
sheik has bought us all.

Oh, Mrs. Slocombe will come
into her own then, won't she?

They like 'em big in the east.

Come to think of it, she's
very big in the south, as well.



Mister Lucas, just because
we're in the boardroom

and on our best behavior doesn't mean

that I won't give you one up the bracket.

Mister Grainger, can't
you control your junior?

I'm more interested in
what is in that damn folder.

Well, you're nearest.

Have a look.

I wouldn't demean myself.

You're next nearest.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll keep kayfee for you.

Why me?

Oh, there you are, you see.

When it comes to action, he's all talk.

I shouldn't count on it.

He didn't say much when he got me

in the broom cabinet at Christmas party.

All clear.

Mister Lucas, as the
senior staff member here,

I must forbid you to
look into that folder.

Alright, then.

I'm very sorry, Captain Peacock.

I only read the first line.

Well, what's it all about, then?

Well, Captain Peacock's
name was mentioned,

but as I'm not supposed to have seen it,

my lips are sealed.

All I will say is, if I've ever been rude

to you in the past, Captain Peacock,

I'm very sorry.

That's alright Mister Lucas.

My promotion was not entirely unexpected.

I didn't see the word promotion.

What word did you see?

Replacement.

Replacement?

Replacement.

Can I keep kayfee for
you, Captain Peacock?

Good heavens!

It's not that bad,
is it, Captain Peacock?

It's worse.

Oh dear.

Oh dear, oh dear.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Well, what does it say?

Hurry, I can hear his knees
creaking along the corridor.

We're all to be replaced, en masse.

All of us?

That's why we've been
summoned to the boardroom.

Typical, typical.

Why, that miserable old devil.

My horoscope said I was
going to get a new position.

But, I interpreted it quite differently.

I have never been sacked,

all the years I've worked in shops.

I think we should all resign
before we are dismissed.

Yeah.

I don't think we
should do anything hasty.

Water, weak as water,
that's what you are.

I agree with you, Mister Grainger,

and I am unanimous in that.

Hands up all those who
think we should resign.

Good, we'll resign.

And we do it in alphabetical order.

Brahms.

Men first.

Grainger.

A very good morning to you all.

What's the matter?

Cat got your tongues?

Before you say anything, Mister Grace,

Mister Grainger has a statement to make.

I see.

Well, what is it then?

Good morning, Mister Grace.

I'm afraid I must resign.

Oh well, Ernest, I suppose
it had to come sooner or later.

Make a note of that, Rumbold,

then tell them what I have in mind.

Mister Grace has decided, in his wisdom,

that it would be a good idea
if we all obtained experience

of other people's departments.

To that end, it has been decided

that haberdashery and notions

should go to bathroom
fittings and sanitary-ware.

Stationary should go to bedding
and the ladies and gentlemen

of our floor are going to toys.

So we're not going to
get the sack after all?

No, on the contrary,
you could be promoted

to the position recently left
vacant by Mister Grainger.

Whose job?

I should say he's the
obvious candidate, sir.

Oh well, right.

Make a note of that, Miss Bakewell.

Congratulations.

It will also leave a vacancy

in Mister Humphries' position, sir.

May I apply for that, sir?

Could Mister Lucas step into
your shoes, Mister Humphries?

Oh yes, he's shown a lot of promise.

And I do believe in giving
young men an opportunity.

Well, make a note of that, too.

I was under some misapprehension.

I should like to withdraw my notice.

It's gone down in the minutes
hasn't it, Miss Bakewell?

Yes, Mister Rumbold.

I'm afraid, once it's down
in the minutes, the resignation

will have to stand.

Surely, we don't have to be

that hard on him, Mister Rumbold?

Couldn't he reapply?

I suppose so.

Do you want to do that?

Oh, yes I do.

He wants to reapply, sir.

Oh, have we any vacancies?

Young Mister Lucas' job is going.

He's a bit old for that, isn't he?

I think we should
give him a chance, sir.

After all, he has had a lot of experience.

Well, well, very well, give him the job.

Welcome to Grace Brothers, young man.

Well done, Mister Grainger,
and if you work really hard,

maybe in 20 or 30 years you'll be earning

what you were five minutes ago.

I should want you know,

we debag the juniors on their first day.

Very well, that's settled.

We'll see you all in toys
first thing on Monday morning.

Don't be late, Mister Grainger.

We don't want a black mark

on your first day as a junior, you know.

Oh, Miss Brahms, just
look at that big bear.

It's so lovely.

Oh, I do like bears.

Morning ladies, welcome to Toyland.

The fairy time book is over there

if you care to sign in.

Just a minute, Mister Grainger.

Juniors sign last.

Don't worry.

Captain Peacock's going to
have a word with Mister Rumbold

about your reinstatement for this.

Providing your superiors
give you a good report.

Where is old Peacock, anyway?

He's here, and I warn
you, he's in a bad mood.

They dragged him out on Sunday morning

so he could learn all about the goods.

Oh, how ridiculous.

What is there to learn about toys?

All you do is bounce them,
cuddle them, or turn them on.

Just like girls, really.

You get sexy to everything, don't you?

Given a chance.

Morning, everybody.

Good morning.

Oh, here, anybody fancy a
little early morning CoCo?

Get off the floor, Mister Harman.

Uh, Captain Peacock,
now that you're in toys,

you have to learn to
develop a sense of humor.

Well, now we're all here,
who's going to sell what?

Well, I think it would
be best if I acquaint you

with the general range of products,

then we can allot responsibility later.

I dislike children.

I always have disliked children.

I disliked children
even when I was a child.

Well, you played with toys, didn't you?

Well, I remember that
I used to make soldiers

out of plasticine and fill
them with tomato sauce.

Whatever for?

So that I could shoot
them down with my air pistol

and make my sister sick.

Now, this area here--

Look, if this is going to be a long do,

I want to spend a penny.

I'll be as brief as
possible, Mrs. Slocombe.

Now, this area here is devoted
to the two-to-five-year olds.

For instance, we have a
lot of this sort of thing.

Oh, what does that do?

Is that all?

I understand it's very
exciting when you're two.

Japanese rubbish.

A lot of men in back rooms inventing that?

I'm sure they do other things, as well.

Most.

Well, now then, this is a special offer.

The Wibbly-Wobbly Playground.

Now, we get the Wibbly Slide,
and the Wibbly Round-A-Bout,

and the Wibbly Rocker, and,
of course, the Wibbly Swing.

And with them, four Wibbly-Wobblys.

Extra Wibbly-Wobblys are obtainable

at 25 pence per Wibbly-Wobbly.

Now, to demonstrate it, one is recommended

to adopt the following procedure.

Down the Wobbly Slide, around
the Wobbly Round-A-Bout,

up and down on the Wobbly Rocker--

You have to have two
or they won't wobble.

You should know.

After that, we come to the grand finale.

Oh, stop it.

I can't stand it any longer.

The excitement's killing me.

Don't tell me that they're
gonna have a Wobbly Swing.

Exactly.

There you are.

How much is that?

3.75.

Now then, let's see if you've
all been paying attention.

Mister Humphries, would
you care to demonstrate?

Let's imagine, that there's a small boy

between two and five has
just arrived at the counter.

Now, it's all up to you.

Hello, little two-year-old boy.

Are you interested in Wibbly-Wobbly's?

Are you?

In that case you must be five.

Well, here they are, Charlie Wibbly-Wobbly

and his friend Roger.

Now, what do they do?

They go down the little chute.

Onto the Wibbly-Wobbly Round-A-Bout.

Onto the Wibbly-Wobbly Rocker.

Oh dear, that's upset Roger.

It's give him a Wibbly-Wobbly tummy.

But he doesn't want to disappoint Charlie.

Does he?

So they both have a swing
on the Wibbly-Wobbly Swings,

and then sit down together and discuss

how nice it is living
in Wibbly-Wobblyland.

But little do they know

that Spencer the Spider fancies Roger,

and he has crept up behind him,

and gobbled him up for lunch.

That's horrible.

Mister Lucas, we do not
want to frighten the children.

But there is no need to worry,

because Spencer the Spider
doesn't really like the taste

of Roger, so he spits him out.

And they all lived
happily ever after for 3.75.

Which is not bad these days.

Well now, I think you've all
got a fair idea about that.

Now, over here we have the usual games.

There all fairly straightforward.

And, in this area, we
have the mechanical toys.

Now, this is very popular with
children of three and under.

Why not one to three?

We prefer to call them three and under.

That's so it includes those of naught.

This is called Tuffy Tank.

As you can see, it stops at nothing.

Oh, I say, I'll bet Roger
Wibbly-Wobbly would like a ride

in a Tuffy Tank, wouldn't you, Roger?

For the more sophisticated children,

that is from five and upwards,

we have a very interesting
range of robots.

Now, firstly, we have
the Television Robot.

Oh look, it's Star Trek.

I bet it's a repeat.

And we have this one.

Obviously, it doesn't like television.

Look, they're stuck together.

What will we do?

Toss a bucket of cold water over them.

Let's send in Tuffy the Tank.

Just like the United Nations.

It is rather exciting, isn't it?

Yes, well, and now, over here.

Follow me over here, will you?

In this area here, we have
the mechanical cuddlies.

But they're all dogs.

Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?

I'm told that people
prefer the real thing.

Now, to demonstrate,
these do almost everything

that real dogs do.

This here, this is Daisy the Dachshund.

It walks.

And it barks.

Here you are Mister Humphries.

Oh, thank you.

Come along, Daisy.

Time for walkies.

Now then, here is Daisy's
friend, Billy Basset.

Very realistic, isn't it?

Oi!

Find somebody your own size.

Well then, I think you've
got the general idea.

Now over here we have the various dolls

which are, of course, for the girls.

Not always.

This is a really popular
range, Annie the Air Hostess.

Now, she has a twistable
tummy, bendable legs,

and you can undress her.

I used to live next door to
an air hostess just like that.

Captain Peacock,

will you tell Mister Lucas
to stop looking up her skirt?

I'm just checking to see
if she's got any knickers on.

Put that down, Mister Lucas.

I think it would be more appropriate

if the ladies were to deal
with the dolls and cuddlies.

Now then, here we have Playgirl Penny

and her boyfriend, Fun-Time Freddy.

Is he easily bent?

The Fun-Time Freddy comes
complete with a shower unit.

He's made of waterproof plastic.

All you have to do is remove his hat.

Remove his sweater.

Then you pull down his trousers.

Take them off like this, quite easy.

Then you trap his neck in this device here

so that he can't move.

I used to live next door to somebody

that had a shower just like that.

By pressing this button,
you give him a shower.

Oh, what will they think of next?

Does he always keep his boots on

when he's taking a shower?

They don't call him
Fun-Time Freddy for nothing.

Now, over here, we have
what is called Hocus Pocus.

Now, this consists of such
things as itching powder,

imitation ink blots, stink bombs--

Oh, I had them.

I used to let them off in the choir.

They called me Stinky Grainger.

No wonder you've been
a junior for so long.

We're also offering this rather
interesting little novelty.

Mrs. Slocombe, have you got a penny?

Thank you very much.

Now then, watch this closely.

Just as I thought, made in Scotland.

What about my money?

Well, you said you
wanted to spend a penny.

You just have.

Now then, look, over here

we find the more complicated dolls.

Now, these actually talk.

Now, this type retails at 12 Pounds 50,

and is made in England.

Here we are, now watch this.

My name is Betty, and I
want to go to the potty.

And that one that you're
holding, Mrs. Slocombe,

it retails at Six Pounds
50, and is made in India.

My name is Jasmine, and I
have just been to the potty.

Yes, Mister Grace?

How's it going, Rumbold?

Well sir, they've only
been at it for half an hour.

Yes, well, bathroom fittings

are doing very well in trousers.

Oh, good, good.

There are one or two
customers about now, sir,

so I think that by lunch
time we should be able

to foreguess the general
spectrum of our ability.

Yes, I've no idea what
you're talking about,

but keep in touch.

Yes sir.

Oh, and about Grainger, sir.

Grainger?

Yes sir, he's now the junior.

Oh, Grainger the junior?

Just come to us from Dairy
and Tom's, hasn't he?

That was in 1926, sir.

26, he's a bit old
for a junior, isn't he?

Mister Grainger is over 70, sir.

Over 70 and still a junior?

Well, he better pull his
socks up or he'll have to go.

Toddler's wear.

Is Peacock there?

I'm afraid you've come
through to Gnomeland.

Captain Peacock is just
showing a prospective tenant

around the windy house.

Tell him to come to my office.

Who's there?

Peter Pan.

What is it, Mister Humphries?

Mister Rumbold wants you.

Can you take over from me?

I'm afraid not, Captain Peacock.

I'm right in the middle

of demonstrating the Magic Mushroom Tree.

I'll take over.

Enter.

Ah, Peacock, I just wanted you to know

that I'm doing my best to
get Grainger reinstated.

But I'm having trouble
getting through to Mister Grace.

Why, is his telephone out of order?

No, his brain.

By the way, while you're
here, I'd like your opinion.

What do you think of this?

Streetwear?

It's a whimsical novelty, Peacock.

Very whimsical.

Good, I'm glad you like it,
because you'll be wearing it,

and demonstrating it
around the department.

I don't wish to make an
issue out of this, sir,

but if you insist, I shall be
forced to go over your head,

and appeal direct to Mister Grace.

It would be very unwise of you, Peacock,

to question my decision.

Nevertheless, sir, that
is what I intend to do.

Well, be it on your own head.

It's my intention to prevent that.

Come in.

Yes, that's right, I want
a table in the alcove.

I'm expecting a young lady.

So if she gets there before
I do, give her a drink.

She's a tall, blue-eyed blonde, about 65.

I must go now.

I've got a man here with
a propellor on his head.

Mister Grace, I appeal to you.

What do you think about your
floorwalkers wearing these?

Well, what does it do?

Yes, well, if you want
to get of the ground,

you'll have to get a bigger propellor.

Mister Rumbold, will you do
something about Mister Lucas?

He keeps filling my tinkling
dollies with fizzy lemonade.

And every time I do
the potty demonstration

they get all covered in froth.

And there's another thing.

Mister Humphries keeps coming over

and putting Fun-Time Freddy in the shower.

I want it clearly understood,
in front of witnesses,

that I am responsible for
bathing Fun-Time Freddy.

I had just stimulated
a customer's interest

in Fun-Time Freddy.

I was carrying through the demonstration

to complete the sale.

I mean we must have scope.

If she wants to come over

and give my Wibbly-Wobblys
a swing would I protest?

No.

I have no interest, whatsoever,
in your Wibbly-Wobblys.

I want a rule that we all
stick to our own counters.

Well, in that case, stop Miss Brahms

from overwinding my vibrating bear.

She can't keep her hands off it.

Well, what about him?

He keeps crawling under my counter.

Can I help it if my
robots get out of control?

You can't have a sensible
conversation with that man!

Did he give you
permission to take it off?

No, the last suggestion
was that I should

put a bigger motor in
it and save bus fares.

Sorry to interrupt, but
I got a bit of bad news.

We've had a bit of a tragedy
with Billy the Basset.

He got a bit too cheeky
with Bertie the Bulldog.

We don't sell Bertie the Bulldog.

No, I know, it belonged to a customer,

and as a result of the
fracas this is what happened.

He's pleased to see his head again.

By the way, am I covered by insurance

against personal injury
from ferocious pets?

Well, I expect so.

Oh good.

Well, I'll go and fill in
the necessary forms, then.

I think that's alright,
don't you, Mister Lucas?

A perfect fit, Mister Humphries.

Would sir mind raising his tomahawk?

Plenty of room under the arms.

Aren't the trousers a bit long?

Indians are wearing them long this year.

It simply seems a bit baggy.

Yeah, well, you need them baggy, sir,

for squatting around the totem pole.

It also comes with this simulated

buffalo-hide trophy belt with
hooks set for the scalps here.

Would sir be requiring scalps?

Well, I--

Scalps, Mister Lucas.

Scalps coming up, Mister Humphries.

Here we are, sir.

It's the very latest range in scalps.

We call this the Magnificent Seven range.

That one hasn't got any hair.

That's Yul Brynner, sir.

I'd like to buy a bridal
doll for my little girl.

Certainly, madam.

Brides, Miss Brahms.

Will it be a registry-office
or a church wedding?

Church, I think.

Oh, you're so wise, madam.

It's so much more romantic, isn't it?

Now this one retails at 20 Pounds 50.

Oh, it's a lot, isn't it?

Ah, well, it comes
complete with bridegroom,

and the full trusseau, and if
you pull this cord, it talks.

I love you, I love you, I do, I do.

Isn't that beautiful?

Can't you just picture the scene?

There she stands by the bridegroom.

They're stood in front of the altar.

The organ's playing.

The ceremony comes to a climax.

She turns to him and
utters those immortal words

that he'll remember forever.

I want to go to the potty.

I can see the points are set.

Good, yes.

Now check the signals.

Right, all clear.

So, we're off.

Mister Grainger has sold
four of those already, then.

I thought he didn't like children.

He doesn't, but he likes trains.

I do hope we can do something
about his reinstatement.

Oh yes, that was all very
unfortunate, but leave it to me.

I'll fix it with Mister Grace.

Well, the sales figures
are very good, Rumbold.

Yes sir, I think the whole staff

have found it very stimulating.

Mind you, they'll be glad to get back

to their own departments.

Yes, of course.

Well, it's nearly closing time.

I'll come down and thank them personally.

Oh, yes sir.

Oh, and about Grainger, sir,

he didn't really intend to resign.

Well, I know that.

I was just teaching him a lesson.

Nobody you know is indispensable,

except her, perhaps, if she
goes on playing her cards right.

Alright, we've got
time for one more race

before the shop closes.

Alright, Mrs. Slocombe's on
blue, Miss Brahm's on red,

and Mister Humphries is on virgin white.

Oh yes.

Last race at 50p a nob, winner take all.

They're under starter's
order, and they're off!

Oh, he'll catch up now.

Here we go.

Mrs. Slocombe is being hotly pursued,

which hasn't happened for years.

And hello, Mister Humphries
is a little behind.

That's not always a disadvantage.

Look, I've won, I've won.

Trust him to get it, isn't it?

Isn't it amazing what you
see when you haven't got your--

Good evening, everybody.

Good evening Mister Grace.

Well, I'm glad to see you've all entered

into good spirits of the thing, especially

as the bell went two minutes ago.

Oh, we must have missed
it in the excitement.

Well, thank you all very much indeed.

You've all done very well.

Thank you, Mister Grace.

Right then, pack up.

We don't want to get locked in all night.

Oh, I wouldn't mind.

I haven't had a go on
the racing cars, yet!

Night, night, little Wibbly-Wobbly.

I'm going to miss you.

Night, night, little tree people.

Time to go to beddy byes.

Up you go in your lift.

And Rover, no barking and
keeping everybody awake.

Are you taking that one
home with you, Mrs. Slocombe?

Well, I have paid for it.

I'm sure you have.

It's just that I've become
rather attached to it.

Shall I tell Grainger, sir?

Oh yes, yes, put him out of his misery.

The Birmingham Intercity
Special is just leaving

from Blackwall Cove.

Mister Grainger.

Not now, not now, Mister Rumbold.

I'm expecting a goods train at any moment.

I've got good news for you.

As from Monday morning,
you will once again

be the senior assistant in menswear.

Oh, I see.

Well, aren't you pleased?

Well, I was rather thinking
of applying for another job.

I take it you're not resigning again?

No, but I was hoping I could stay on

as a junior in the toy department

and I could go on playing with my trains.

It's no good, Grainger.

You've got to grow up some time.

Still, we could have half an hour, now.

Tell him to keep the store open.

♫ Ground floor: Perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods,

♫ wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food.

♫ Going up...

♫ First floor: Telephones,
gents ready made suits, shirts,

♫ socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes.

♫ Going up...

♫ Second floor: Carpets,
travel goods, and bedding,

♫ materials, soft furnishings,
restaurants, and ties.

♫ Going down..