Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 4, Episode 4 - Fire Practice - full transcript

♫ Ground floor:

♫ Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

Rumbold here.

I'm glad you're in early,

we're gonna have a fire practice.

I see, sir, I'll tell the staff.

Oh no, no, you mustn't do that.

We want to see how they
behave in an emergency,



you just stand by and take notes.

Very well, sir, when will this occur?

I'm not going to tell
you, it's a secret.

Mind you just keep on
your toes that's all.

♫ Rolling down the bound

♫ Looking for the sunshine.

Mr. Harman, the store is about to open,

you're not supposed to be on the floor.

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock
but you might have twigged

that none of the ladies
and gentlemen dummies

is wearing wigs, due to
an oversight from display

what I am going to rectify.

Then be quick.

I would've been a damn sight quick



if you hadn't poked your nose in it

in the first place.

Don't procrastinate.

I shall look that up.

And if it ain't very
polite, I shall probably

come back and call you a very long word

meaning twit.

But I haven't called it to you yet.

I just said I may come back and call you

a twit.

That doesn't look right.

You're next, Daisy.

Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire.

Excuse me, sir.

That was a bicycle bell.

Oh, was it?

Good morning, Peacock.

Good morning, sir.

We seem to be very short of staff today.

Where is everybody?

We're here.

What are you doing?

My drawers had gummy runners.

I was just easing them for him.

I know it sounds
strange, but I assure you

it was perfectly innocent.

Yes.

Fire, fire, come on, Peacock, move.

That is the store opening bell, sir.

Oh was it?

Yes, so it was.

Are you expecting a fire, sir?

No, of course not.

Where are the ladies?

No, I gave them permission to pop down

to the wedgie sale, sir.

Wedgie, what's that?

Golf?

No no no, sir, shoes.

It's a, they're a sort
of chunky platform shoe.

Their popularity is
waning, hence the sale.

That, sir, is the lift bell.

Hold onto me, I think
you're getting vertigo.

What do they look like?

A couple of Frankenstein rejects.

It's time you're behind your counters,

if you think you can make it.

I'm sorry, ladies, it's really

out of the question for you to wear those

during working hours.

I absolutely agree, sir.

They're totally unsuitable.

I don't know what you're making

all the fuss about.

I've had mine for a week.

Come on, darling.

Give us a kiss and I'll
bring your mustache.

Here, one for you, Kojack.

Don't take it off, it's my grandmother

to a T.

There you are, sir.

There's your jacket.

And if the sleeves are too long,

don't worry, they'll ride up with wear.

They were too short.

Oh, in that case, they'll ride down

with wear, sir.

You mean to say you
haven't been out all week?

Oh, I've been out.

I always come home alone, don't I?

I mean, it's the birds.

They just don't wanna know.

Well, where have you been looking?

Well, last night it was a
Latin American dance class

over the co-op.

Oh, did you get your divvy?

Did you know, all the women there

look like Carmen Miranda.

Well, from what I can remember,

Carmen Miranda, she was quite attractive.

Not, Carmen Miranda
then, Carmen Miranda now.

Anyway, then I went to
the Garden of Allah disco.

I don't know how you can stand

all those flashing lights.

No no, they get rid of all them now

and it's all ultraviolet.

Did you know the last time I stood

under ultraviolet, it showed up

all my jockey shorts.

I didn't know where to look.

Mind you, everybody else did.

Well it showed up my two capped teeth.

I was just about to kiss this bird

on the neck when somebody shouted,

"Dracula lives," and she shot off

through the fire exit.

But I mean it's all the same.

They're only interested
in the pop groups anyway.

And half of them are dressed up as women.

You can make some terrible mistakes.

Anyway, then I went to the Pally.

Well you should have
been all right there.

Have you been there lately?

All the fellas stand
around the wall like this.

And all the birds have got the handbags

in the middle of the
floor and they're dancing,

holding hands, going 'round in a circle.

You can't separate them.

I'll lend ya a handbag, you can join in.

My mother's still staying with me,

she's got lots.

They hadn't got very much left.

Mr. Lucas?

Yes, Mr. Humphries?

You didn't upset anybody at the

Garden of Allah disco by any chance?

Morning, sir.

Have you been served?

The Emir wishes to speak to chief-man.

I am the chief man.

Good morning, good morning.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

What's going on?

I've worked it all out.

When he was in the desert, he put

this Arab bird in the club and now

he's getting his comeuppance.

Oh dear, they're here, Peacock.

It's the Emir of city Bendabby.

Dabies, actually.

What's going on?

I'm afraid it's you, sir.

The sign they're giving is that

to ward off the evil eye.

Good heavens, surely I haven't

got an evil eye, have I?

No , you have an evil ear.

Scarf for Mr. Rumbold.

Oh, very well.

How's that?

It's my grandmother to a T again.

Sir, I think you better let me

deal with this.

You see, having been in the desert,

I'm used to the ways of the east.

Yes.

♫ Sally Sally don't ever wonder

Salaam.

May the sun never cease to shine

upon your children, your
children's children,

and your children's children's children.

He say, "Are you mad, I'm only 25."

These are some of Emir's wives.

He wishes them to wear trousers

in the harem.

Trousers in the harem?

I'd find that very confusing.

How many wives does he wish to trouser?

72.

72.

And three on Fridays.

Just think about it, 72 wives.

Why only three on Fridays?

Perhaps their Roman Catholics.

Please tell His Eminence, that I'm sure

we can clothe these flowers of the desert

in foliage worthy of their beauty.

We are all your slaves.

This is our unworthy Mr. Grainger.

I'm the lowly Mr. Lucas.

And I'm the humble Mr. Humphries.

The Emir wishes his wives to look like

European women.

Can you show us models?

Well, I'm afraid we
don't have models here.

But I can show you two
typical European women.

Mrs. Slocombe, Ms. Brahms, forward please.

Salaam.

Salami.

He say, "What crime have they committed

"to be punished with these terrible things

"on their feet?"

The torture is self-imposed.

We will talk business.

Do help me, please.

Mr. Grainger a very wise man,

but jointy creaky.

- Mrs. Slocombe, Ms.
Brahms, forward and down.

First, show us sample of trousers.

Mr. Grainger, samples.

Well he might have asked that

before I got down here.

I'll get 'em, Mr. Grainger.

Oh, thank you.

The summer worsted.

Yeah, one summer worsted coming up.

Yes, the close weave keeps out

the sand.

They've been tested at Margate.

Excuse me asking, but do they get

a lot of that sort of wear?

He say he buy one pair for Head Wife.

Sale, Mr. Grainger.

What size, Captain Peacock?

Ah yes, the size.

What size?

I don't know.

I see.

Mrs. Slocombe, forward please.

Stop, stop.

Everybody up.

Excuse me, sir, but
what have we done wrong?

In my country we are all believers.

It is not permitted that women

touch women.

Man may touch man, but woman may not

touch woman.

Where did they say they came from?

Excuse me, but may man touch a woman?

Of course.

Oh, well that's all right then.

Then they kill him.

Hardly worth the commission, is it?

How then are we to
take the measurements?

He may take the measurements.

I'm not even a believer.

Forward, Mr. Humphries.

What did Horace say, Winnie?

You may take measurement, but you

may not touch woman.

I see.

You mind if I have a word with my friend?

Would you follow us, please?

Turn 'round, dear.

Touch your toes.

I must remember that one.

Any minute now he's gonna get

his head chopped off.

Mr. Lucas?

Ready, Mr. Humphries,
just say the magic word.

Chopped sesame.

18.

Two 18s...

Mr. Humphries, aren't
we forgetting something?

What's that, Captain Peacock?

We need the inside leg.

Oh yes, the inside leg.

Do you mind if I have
a word with my friend?

One false move, they'll turn him

into an e-knock.

Will you excuse us a minute?

Comprehend?

On your marks, Mr. Lucas.

Get set.

Go.

58, half 58, 29 inside
leg, Mr. Grainger.

That will be 10 pounds.

We bargain.

One goat, one trouser.

We do not take goats.

Very good goat.

Give very good milk.

Oh, it'll come in handy in a canteen.

It's wonderful for your complexion.

No goat?

No goat.

Beautiful rug.

All handmade.

Good for floor.

We have our own rugs.

One rug.

One trouser.

Very good deal.

Sorry, no can do.

The Emir offers wife to the old one.

I can't...

I can't believe my ears.

Now he can't believe his eyes.

It could be a sale.

No no, stop, please, stop.

We cannot exchange wife for trousers.

She very good.

Give much pleasure.

I vote we chip in the 10 quid

and keep her in the recreation room.

You know, I've got some curtains

that color.

Captain Peacock, aren't you going

to put a stop to this?

All in good time, Mrs. Slocombe.

Do you like?

Yes, no.

I'm sorry, we must have money.

You see, we cannot
trade girl for trousers.

You trade this girl for that girl

and also give us the old one with a face

like a lemon.

Captain Peacock, what is he saying?

He's improving the offer, Mrs. Slocombe.

No, I'm sorry, as I
said, we must have money.

No, I'm sorry.

Stop stop stop.

Please.

One of these a hundred pound notes

would be sufficient.

Fire, fire, fire.

Never mind the till,
where's me season tickets?

Help me with the till, someone.

Never mind the till, get that case.

Now keep calm.

Everybody out.

Captain Peacock, help us with the till.

I'm sorry, the customers come first.

One for them and one for us.

One for them and for us.

All for them and none for us.

Gather 'round, everybody.

Mr. Rumbold would like a word.

Well I hope this isn't
going to take long.

Mrs. Axleby and I are going
to the ice rink tonight.

I didn't know you could
skate, Mrs. Slocombe.

Well, we haven't tried yet.

But we thought that if we fell down,

somebody's bound to pick us up.

Well I hope we're not delayed,

I've got a friend dancing in Swan Lake.

Oh yeah, what's his name?

It's a she.

I go every night, you know, when she's not

looking, I pinch a
feather out of her tail.

What for, to keep as a memento

of your affection?

No, I'm re-stuffing a cushion.

Are you paying attention, Mr. Humphries?

Of course I was paying
attention, Captain Peacock.

And my friend Mr. Lucas
was paying attention

as well, weren't you, Mr. Lucas?

Oh I was, I was, Mr. Humphries.

Yes I was paying attention.

I was hanging on to Mr.
Rumbold's every word.

I haven't spoken yet.

That's why I'm hanging on.

Well now, the practice fire drill

this morning was in complete shambles.

We can't let another day go by

without doing something about it.

To which end, we're holding
an emergency refresher course.

Captain Peacock is our fire expert

and he will take over.

Thank you, sir.

Now, the exits are the main staircase

and the two fire stairs at the back.

Now, on no account may the lift be used.

In the event of anybody being overcome

by fumes, it is essential to understand

the use of the fireman's lift.

Just a minute, you just
said we couldn't use the lift.

Ms. Brahms, the fireman's lift

is a method of carrying
an unconscious person.

Speaking of the unconscious,

where's Mr. Grainger?

Mr. Grainger, are you free for a fire?

Yes I am free.

What size?

Pay attention, Mr. Grainger.

Now, the fireman's lift,
as I understand it,

is something like this.

Now Mr. Humphries, would you mind

being unconscious?

Have I been overcome by fumes or smoke?

A combination of both.

Right.

Let me get in the mood.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I did that at school, you know,

in a play.

I was Lady Hamilton and I fainted

when I heard the dreaded
news from Waterloo.

Mr. Humphries, Nelson
wasn't at Waterloo.

No, but me mother was,
she missed the train.

Can we get on with it?

I can't bear the sight of my pussy

standing at the door with a tin opener

in his mouth.

If you'll all pay attention.

Are you ready, Mr. Humphries?

I'm too overcome to reply.

Come on, get on with it.

Now then, what you do is this.

You lie down at the side of the victim.

You grasp the right
wrist in the right hand

and then you roll over like so.

If you don't mind me
saying so, Captain Peacock,

you're making a right mess up of that.

I thought he was doing rather well.

Can I show you how we used to do it

when I was in the artillery fire service.

There you are, then you can do

anything you like with him.

You wait 'til you're asked.

Can you let me finish, Mr. Harman?

I was about to show them the lift

from the prone position.

Yes, well I think we should all

have a go at that.

Mrs. Slocombe, you can be the victim.

I'm not getting down on the mucky floor.

Ms. Brahms, get me a chair.

Now who shall we have to rescue her?

Ah, Mr. Lucas, how
would you like to rescue

Mrs. Slocombe?

Is that an order?

Yes.

Now, Mrs. Slocombe, remember to relax

and let your body go.

From the look of it, she already has.

I'm not having him put a finger on me

if he's going to be cheeky.

Do you want rescuing or not?

I just don't want any of your lip.

Mr. Lucas, are you ready?

Ready.

Right.

Go.

Ms. Brahms, remove that chair.

What do I do with her now?

Put her down or put the chair back.

How humiliating.

Yes, well, I think one thing
is pretty clear from that.

I hope not.

Well, I'm sure we've all got the principle

of the thing.

Now,

Mr. Harman, perhaps you'd like to take

the next point.

Oh thank you, sir.

Well now,

in a actual fire, our
biggest enemy is smoke,

but we must not panic.

Now, I would like you to assume

that the whole building is full of smoke

and we cannot see the exits.

What do we do?

Phone my mother, tell
her to put my mints

on a low-light.

We get on our hands and knees

on the floor and place our noses

to the floor where you will find

some breathable air.

Everybody down.

This way,
you can keep breathing,

as you head for the exits.

Oh blimey, I can still smell that goat.

There can be no question of my

getting down there.

Well, in your case, Mr. Grainger,

get yourself a snorkel
and use it upside down.

That's the general idea.

Now, see if we remember the rudiments

the first time.

Well, I hope we can, I strained my back

carrying Mrs. Slocombe.

And I shall strain my
wrist butting your ear.

In the event of the
victim being overcome

by smoke, there is a favorite method

of bringing them 'round,

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation,

alias, the kiss of life.

Oh, kissing, that's it, I'm going home.

Just a minute, don't be too hasty.

We don't practice on the ladies.

No, we certainly don't

practice on the men.

I can't go on.

I can't work under these conditions.

I'm not getting paid for this, you know.

I'm just getting ordinary overtime.

Well, it's insulting.

Did you think I wanna go
around kissing this lot?

Oh god in hell, sakes no,
I don't even kiss him.

I'm sure you mustn't
take this personally.

It's just that we British have a

natural resistance to kissing each other.

Unless somebody scores a goal

and then it's every man for himself.

If you just let me
finish what I was saying,

we've always got Myrtle, don't we?

Who's Myrtle?

She's the one all the
firemen practice on.

That sounds good for you.

You ought to join the fire brigade.

Myrtle is a rubberized simulated lady,

what the firemen practice
the kiss of life on.

Put your clothes down, darling,

you're a big girl now.

That's typical, isn't it?

It has to be a woman.

They can't have a man.

It's sexual discrimination.

You try getting 45 burly firemen

to kiss a facsimile of Steve McQueen.

Now, the object is to blow down here

and you get enough wind and air

to expand the lungs, therefore

bringing body life again.

Or bringing life back into the body.

Whichever way you blows down it,

now, if you are blowing correctly,

if you are blowing correctly,

this will be indicated by
the built-in mechanism.

I will now give you a demonstration.

It's very very difficult.

Excuse me.

Well it's the first time
I've seen that happen.

I hope nobody thinks that I'm

going to blow into that thing after

45 firemen.

Anybody that uses a dummy will be

issued with disposable hygienic lips.

Do we have to wear
these if there's a fire?

Only if you have to kiss Mrs. Slocombe.

That's it, I am going.

Oh, Mrs. Slocombe, please.

I'm sure Mr. Lucas will apologize

for that unnecessary remark.

Lucas?

The boy's a buffoon.

More like a baboon with them lips.

Peacock, you first.

Very well, sir.

You aren't lighting her up.

I'm not surprised, he
couldn't light me up either

in the stockroom last Christmas.

You too?

Not going yet.

Come on, Peacock, put some more

puff into it.

I'm doing my best, sir.

That's what he said in the stockroom.

Harder.

Harder.

Harder.

Harder.

Well, I hope that didn't happen

in the stockroom.

That's interesting.

You know, the same thing happens

to Mrs. Grainger when she eats meringues.

No wonder she's banned
from all the tea rooms.

Well I think in the circumstances,

we'd better leave this
and go on to the escape.

Oh, very good, sir.

Well now, here we have the mock-up

of the emergency escape kit.

Now in the event of all the passages

becoming impassable with smoke,

we simply lower this out the window

and slide down the chute.

You don't realize how dangerous

a fire is until you've
got one of your own,

do you?

I'm going to have a private fire alarm

fitted on my flat.

Oh, they're ever so ugly.

I'll keep it on the sideboard

behind my Paddington bear.

Oh, I don't need a fire alarm.

At the first sign of smoke,

my pussy rushes into the garden

and it sits on the concrete tortoise

in the middle of the goldfish bowl.

One Sunday, I burnt me Yorkshire.

It was there for a whole week.

May we return to the matter in hand

and familiarize ourselves
with the escape apparatus?

Yes, sir.

Well now, all we do here is to jump

into the chute.

Now, to slow down our descent, you simply

spread out your legs.

Yes well,

we're all gonna have a go at this.

I'm sure it's not as
frightening as it looks.

And then after each
person has been through,

he or she may go home.

Perhaps me go first.

♫ Climb every mountain

Oh, you get quite a nice view

from up here.

Probably better than the one

we're getting from down here.

You've seen Evel Knievel.

You're about to see Hokum Slocombe

in a death-defying dive...

Mrs. Slocombe,

you don't dive down it, you slither

down it feet first.

Just sit off the edge, love.

Right, I think at this point

we should all turn the other way.

I quite agree, I can't stand

the sight of accidents.

Are you ready?

Yes.

Isn't that the fire bell?

Yes, I expect they're just testing it.

Carry on, Mrs. Slocombe.

Well done, Mrs. Slocombe, well done.

Where is the way out?

It's under your feet.

Don't be daft.

The floor is under me feet.

You're supposed to come out here.

I can't see.

How do we get her out?

Well, when I go rabbiting,

I usually shove a ferret down there.

It gives it a quick bite and the rabbit

comes out the other end like a cork

out of a bottle.

Hands up for a volunteer to pop in there

and bite Mrs. Slocombe's bottom.

Wait
'til I get out of here,

you cheeky monkey.

Oh, smoke, look.

Good heavens, so there is.

Hey, that
must be the real alarm.

Listen, listen.

What are you lot doing here?

Get downstairs quick.

We've got a fire in the place.

Officer, one of our colleagues

is tangled up in this thing.

Oh, forget him.

You beat it.

Come on, come on.

Move it.

Never mind that, Mr. Grainger.

Come on, now, what are you waiting for?

Oh, it's the chief himself.