Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 10, Episode 3 - The Hold Up - full transcript

While the staff stay late at the store stocktaking, two burglars break into the store and capture Miss. Brahms, Captain Peacock and Mr.Spooner. While impersonating the most dangerous ...

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

MR. HUMPHRIES, MR. SPOONER, HAVE
YOU NEARLY FINISHED YOUR STOCK-TAKING?



YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COUNT
THEM, NOT MEASURE THEM.

THERE'S NO LABEL ON IT. WE
GOT TO KNOW WHAT SIZE THEY ARE.

YES, NOW THIS INSIDE LEG IS 28.

- AND THIS
INSIDE LEG IS 15.
- EH?

WELL, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.

RIGHT, IT CAN'T. OH! OF COURSE,
IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW.

IT WAS A SPECIAL ORDER
BY A WELSH SHEEP FARMER

THAT LIVED ON THE SIDE
OF A VERY STEEP HILL.

- MR. HUMPHRIES.
- HE FORGOT TO COLLECT THEM.

YOU HAVE THE MOST
EXTRAORDINARY CUSTOMERS.

IT'S NEARLY 7:00,
SO I'M LEAVING.

MR. HARMAN WILL LET YOU
ALL OUT WITH HIS MASTER KEY.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO
CHECK THESE FIGURES TONIGHT, SIR.

WELL, THE MORNING
WILL HAVE TO DO.



MY WIFE EXPECTS ME HOME
AT A REASONABLE HOUR.

ARE YOU SURE TAKING ME
HOME WON'T MAKE YOU LATE?

NO, NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU DON'T LIVE ANYWHERE
NEAR MISS BELFRIDGE.

KNOWING I WAS GOING TO BE LATE

I BORROWED MY MOTHER'S MOTOR BIKE
AND SIDECAR TO GIVE YOU A LIFT HOME.

BUT MR. HUMPHRIES, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE COMPLETELY THE OTHER WAY.

IGNORE THE RUMORS,
IT WILL BE A PLEASURE.

NO, NO, NO, I INSIST.

I'LL SEE YOU ALL ON MONDAY.
COME ALONG, MISS BELFRIDGE.

DON'T FORGET TO
LOCK UP, MR. HARMAN.

OH, BY THE WAY, EVERYBODY,

I'M GLAD THAT THE CUSTOM
OF PLAYING PRACTICAL JOKES

ON MANAGEMENT ON STOCK-TAKING
NIGHT HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED.

WE ARE FAR TOO
TIRED FOR THAT, SIR.

SIR, AS YOU'RE GOING
STRAIGHT HOME, I

SUPPOSE YOU WON'T BE
WANTING THE TWO TICKETS

I'VE BOUGHT FOR YOU FOR THE BACK
ROW OF THE CONTINENTAL CINEMA TONIGHT.

- I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
- I SAID YOU WON'T WANT
THEM SEATS FOR THE CINEMA!

HR. HARMAN, CHECK
THE ALARM SYSTEMS

- AND LOCK UP
BEFORE YOU GO HOME.
- YES, SIR.

IT'S AMAZING THE TROUBLE

A BOTTLE OF PEROXIDE CAN CAUSE.

SHE'S ONLY GOING
BECAUSE SHE'S UP FOR A RISE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I RECOMMENDED HER FOR IT.

OH YOU MEN, YOU
LIVE IN A DREAM WORLD.

THOSE GIRLS ONLY
USE YOU TO GET ON.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, DO I
HAVE TO REMIND YOU

WHAT CLINCHED YOUR SENIOR
POSITION ON THE LADIES COUNTER?

I WAS THE RIGHT AGE,

I WAS VERY KEEN AND
I WAS READY FOR IT.

THE VERY WORDS MR. GRACE USED
WHEN YOU CAME DOWN FROM HIS OFFICE.

I'M NOT STAYING HERE TO
BE INSULTED. I'M GOING HOME.

PSST!

PSST, PSST!

- WHAT IS IT?
- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- WE'RE BEING ROBBED.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THERE'S TWO BLOKES GOING
THROUGH THE SAFE IN ACCOUNTS.

- IT'S PROBABLY THE STAFF UP THERE...
- SHH!

DOING STOCK-TAKING
LIKE WE ARE DOWN HERE.

YEAH, BUT THEY'D USE A KEY.

THESE BLOKES HAVE GOT
"SOCKSACETYLENE" BLOWLAMPS.

GOOD HEAVENS, WE
MUST RING THE POLICE.

THE ONLY OUTSIDE LINE'S
IN MR. RUMBOLD'S OFFICE.

BUT THEY CAN'T GET OUT OF
THE BUILDING WITHOUT THE KEYS.

- HOW DID THEY GET IN?
- WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

ALL THE DOORS ARE LOCKED.

NOW IF WE COULD CATCH THEM OURSELVES,
IT WOULD BE QUITE A FEATHER IN OUR CAPS.

FEATHERS DON'T SUIT ME. I THINK
WE SHOULD PHONE THE POLICE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'VE
GOT TO SPEND A PENNY.

I'M AFRAID ALL THE
LOOS IS LOCKED.

GIVE ME THE KEY.
IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

YOU COULD USE THE
EXECUTIVE ONE, BUT HURRY.

- THAT'S THE ONE
ON THE RING THERE.
- THANK YOU.

WELL, I'M ALL FOR HAVING A GO.

- ONLY TWO YOU SAY?
- YES.

THERE'S FOUR OF US MEN.

THREE, I'M AGAINST VIOLENCE.

NOW, THEY OBVIOUSLY
THINK THE BUILDING IS EMPTY.

WE HAVE THE ELEMENT
OF SURPRISE AND WELL...

THEY'RE PROBABLY A LOT
MORE FRIGHTENED THAN WE ARE.

OH YEAH. THEY'RE
BOTH OVER SIX FEET TALL

AND BUILT LIKE BRICK
CHICKEN HOUSES.

ON THE OTHER HAND, PHONING THE
POLICE WOULD BE THE CORRECT THING TO DO.

OH. LOOK AT THE LIFT, IT MUST BE
THEM. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

THEY'LL FIND US.

GET BEHIND THE COUNTER,
QUICK. COME ON, EVERYBODY.

NOW LOOK, I DON'T WANT
ANYBODY TO DO ANYTHING BRAVE

OR RECKLESS UNTIL
I GIVE THE WORD.

DON'T WORRY, WE WON'T.

THIS JOB'S A PIECE OF CAKE.

YEAH, ALL WE NEED TO
DO NOW IS HAVE A KIP

TILL THEY OPEN AND
THEN JUST WALK OUT.

MAYBE THERE'S A SAFE
DOWN HERE WE COULD CRACK.

WE'VE RUN OUT OF ACETYLENE.

IT'S WORTH A LOOK AROUND.

WE COULD ALWAYS
CHUCK IT OUT THE WINDOW.

- THAT USUALLY OPENS THEM.
- ( laughs )

I TOLD YOU THEY WAS BIG.

THEY LOOK A RIGHT
PAIR OF RUFFIANS.

NOT THE SORT OF GENTLEMEN
YOU COULD REASON WITH.

BUT IF WE JUMP ON THEM FROM
BEHIND, IT MIGHT SURPRISE THEM.

IT MIGHT AMAZE THEM. I DON'T
THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? WE CAN'T
STAY DOWN HERE ALL NIGHT, CAN WE?

LOOK, WHY DON'T WE CREEP ALONG
AND LOCK THEM IN RUMBOLD'S OFFICE?

- THEY MIGHT BE COMING OUT
THE DOOR WHEN WE GET THERE.
- OH YEAH.

I USED TO BE VERY
HANDY WITH MY DUKES.

I USED TO FIGHT FOR 10 BOB A
NIGHT IN THE OLD BLACKFRIARS RING.

DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU'RE
VOLUNTEERING TO GO LOCK THEM IN?

DO ME A FAVOR, THAT
WAS 40 YEARS AGO.

I'M JUST REMEMBERING
HOW HANDY I USED TO BE.

HERE THEY COME!

HELLO?

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

All: SHHH!

( gasps )

ARE THOSE MEN STILL UPSTAIRS?

- NO, GET DOWN HERE QUICKLY.
- WHY?

BECAUSE THEY'RE IN
RUMBOLD'S OFFICE DOWN HERE!

I'VE GOT TO SPEND ANOTHER PENNY.

GET DOWN, QUICKLY! COME ON!

WHAT ARE THEY LIKE?
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?

THEY'RE BOTH OVER SEVEN
FOOT TALL AND MEAN WITH IT.

WHAT WILL THEY DO
TO US IF THEY CATCH US?

KEEP QUIET AND THEY WON'T.

IF THEY SEE MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
HANDBAG ON THE COUNTER

THAT WASN'T THERE WHEN THEY CAME
DOWN, THEY'LL KNOW SOMEONE'S ABOUT.

Peacock: HUMPHRIES, GET THE BAG.

NO, MY LEGS HAVE GONE ON STRIKE.

SPOONER, IT'S UP TO YOU.

WHY ME? WHY CAN'T YOU GO?

BECAUSE I'M NOT QUITE
AS AGILE AS I USED TO BE.

YOU'LL NEED A BETTER
REASON THAN THAT.

IF THEY CATCH CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
IT'S OBVIOUS HE'S HIGH UP IN THE FIRM.

THEY MIGHT TRY TO
HOLD HIM AS A HOSTAGE

IF IT COMES TO A
SHOOTOUT WITH THE POLICE.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT, HARMAN.

WHEREAS YOU, MR. SPOONER,
YOU LOOK A MERE BOY.

THEY'LL JUST COSH YOU AND
DUMP YOU IN THE FITTING ROOM.

THAT SETTLES IT.
I'M STAYING PUT.

- OH, I'LL GO MYSELF.
- NO DON'T, BETTY, I'LL GO.

WELL, IF THEY DO CATCH YOU,

WE'LL ALL BE ON
THEM LIKE A FLASH.

( robbers talking )

ALL WE NEED, EDDIE,
TO CRACK THAT SAFE

IS A WIRE COAT HANGER.

THERE'LL BE SOME
BEHIND THAT COUNTER.

- ( sneezes )
- Both: BLESS YOU.

IT WASN'T ME.

TELL ME, EDDIE, DO YOU REMEMBER
SEEING THIS DUMMY BEFORE?

THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE TO ME.

BUT THIS ONE IS VERY LIFE-LIKE.

AND IT'S GOT A LOVELY HANDBAG.

- YEAH, THAT'LL BE A NICE
PRESENT FOR THE WIFE.
- YEAH.

SHE CAN DO WITH SOME
STOCKINGS AS WELL.

( screams )

COME ON, EVERYBODY,
I'VE GOT THEM. COME ON.

COME ON, WHERE ARE YOU ALL?

FANCY THINKING WE'D FALL
FOR AN OLD ONE LIKE THAT.

NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE AFTER CLOSING TIME?

I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU ANYTHING
OTHER THAN MY NAME AND NUMBER.

MY NAME IS MISS BRAHMS

AND I'M ASSISTANT 134.

WELL, ASSISTANT 134,

YOU CAN KEEP US COMPANY IN
THE OFFICE WHILE WE OPEN THE SAFE.

( screaming )

OH, HELP ME! HELP!

WEAK AS WATER, THE
WHOLE LOT OF YOU.

WEAK AS WATER.

I DIDN'T SEE YOU
LEADING THE CHARGE.

I WAS WAITING FOR YOUR SIGNAL.

IF WE MEN HAD BEEN ALONE,
WE'D HAVE GONE IN THERE.

BUT WE COULDN'T RISK
YOU'RE BEING INVOLVED.

NO, NOT A WOMAN OF YOUR AGE.

LOOK, THEY'VE GOT MISS
BRAHMS AT THEIR MERCY.

THEY COULD BE DOING
ANYTHING TO HER.

OH, I WISH I'D
GONE IN HER PLACE.

I WAS JUST THINKING THAT MYSELF.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

ABOUT TIME, WHAT IS IT?

THAT SORT OF VILLAIN IS
ALWAYS AFRAID OF AUTHORITY.

- ESPECIALLY THE POLICE.
- THE POLICE AREN'T HERE.

BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THAT.

IF I GO IN THERE AND SAY THAT I'M A
DETECTIVE INSPECTOR FROM SCOTLAND YARD,

WELL, I'M SURE THEY'D
GIVE THEMSELVES UP.

BUT WOULDN'T IT BE SAFER TO JUST
RUN OUT AND GET A PROPER POLICEMAN?

WE CAN'T, THE MASTER KEY
FOR THE EXIT'S IN YOUR HANDBAG.

WHICH IS IN THE OFFICE.

I THINK STEPHEN'S
PLAN MIGHT WORK.

IT'S ONLY ONE THING
WRONG WITH IT.

YOU SEE, DETECTIVES
ALWAYS WORK IN PAIRS.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE BIT
OLD TO BE MY ASSISTANT.

I DON'T MEAN ME, I MEAN HIM.

- I DON'T LOOK LIKE A POLICEMAN.
- NO, BUT YOU'RE ALL WE'VE GOT.

YOU HAVE GOT THAT ARMY
MANNER. IT MIGHT WORK.

I MEAN, WE'VE GOT
TO SAVE MISS BRAHMS

FROM BEING AT THE MERCY
OF THOSE ROUGH MEN.

I MEAN, THEY MIGHT
EVEN TRY TO KISS HER.

NOT WHILE THEY'RE ON THE JOB.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT RUFFIANS
DO WHEN THEY CAPTURE GIRLS.

THEY FORCE THEIR
ATTENTIONS ON THEM.

OH, IF ONLY I'D
GONE IN HER PLACE.

I'D HAVE PUT UP A REAL FIGHT

FOR QUITE A LONG TIME.

- HERE, TAKE THIS.
- WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S MY UNION CARD.
JUST FLASH IT BRIEFLY

AND THEY'LL ASSUME
IT'S YOUR C.I.D. ID.

- WHAT DO I FLASH?
- NOTHING.

JUST LOOK ALERT AND
PRETEND TO TAKE NOTES.

- GET ON WITH IT.
- NOW, WHAT SHALL I WEAR?

MR. SPOONER, GET ME A SIZE
42 RIDING MAC OUT OF STOCK

AND SOME TWEED HATS AND CAPS.

MR. HUMPHRIES, WHY A RIDING MAC?

JULIET BRAVO NEVER
WEARS ANYTHING ELSE.

I HOPE THERE'S SOMETHING
WORTH HAVING IN HERE.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT,
THE CROWN JEWELS?

- OH, JUST BELT UP.
- YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY
WITH THIS, YOU KNOW.

BLIMEY, YOU NEVER STOP TALKING.

YOU'RE WORSE THAN MY OLD
WOMAN. MORE RABBIT THAN SAINSBURY.

THIS IS THE POLICE.
THE GAME'S UP.

COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

DON'T TELL THEM TO COME
OUT HERE. WE'RE OUT HERE.

OH YES.

STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
TWO OF US ARE COMING IN.

HELP, HELP, HELP, HELP, HELP...

BLIMEY, NICKED AND
TOO FAR TO JUMP.

- HELP, HELP, HELP.
- SHUT UP AND STAY CALM.

I AM DETECTIVE INSPECTOR
STEPHENS FROM SCOTLAND YARD.

I ARREST YOU FOR
BREAKING AND ENTERING.

I WARN YOU THAT ANYTHING
YOU SAY WILL BE TAKEN DOWN

AND MAY BE USED IN EVIDENCE.

MY ASSISTANT, DETECTIVE
SPOONER, WILL RELEASE THE GIRL.

SHALL I PUT THE CUFFS ON HIM?

THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY.

HOW ABOUT SEARCHING THEM
TO SEE IF THEY'RE TOOLED UP?

- 'ERE!
- JUST RELEASE THE GIRL.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S A FAIR
COP. WHO BLEW THE GAFF?

WE HAD A TIP OFF.

I KNEW IT. WAS IT
THE GUMBY GANG?

WHAT DO YOU BOYS KNOW
ABOUT THE GUMBY GANG?

WE WILL INTERROGATE THEM
LATER AT THE STATION, SPOONER.

- THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
WE'LL TALK.
- OH GOOD...

THEY'RE THE MEANEST, HEAVIEST
MOB IN THE UNDERWORLD.

- THE LAW'S NEVER
LAID A FINGER ON THEM.
- WHAT'S THEIR DESCRIPTION?

WE'VE NEVER SEEN THEM, BUT
APPARENTLY THEY'RE LED BY OLD PA GUMBY

AND HIS MAD MOLL, MA GUMBY.

YEAH, AND THEY WORK
WITH THEIR STEPSON,

ITALIAN TONY, THE
TOOTING TERROR.

THEY WAS THREATENING
TO MOVE INTO OUR MANOR,

SO I RECKONED THEY MUST HAVE TIPPED
YOU OFF TO GET US OUT OF THE WAY.

WELL, AS A MATTER
OF FACT THEY DID.

SPOONER, TAKE THAT
HANDBAG DOWN TO FORENSICS

AND HAVE IT EXAMINED
FOR FINGERPRINTS.

- YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- ( grunts )

JUST A MINUTE.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOUR NAME WAS STEPHENS.

LET'S HAVE ANOTHER
LOOK AT THAT CARD.

IT WOULD BE FOOLISH
TO RESIST ARREST.

A LONGER LOOK THAN THAT.

IT'S A UNION CARD

FOR PACKING AND
MAINTENANCE ENGINEERS.

OH DEAR,

YOU ARE IN DEEP WATER, OLD SON.

RIGHT OUT OF YOUR DEPTH.

IMPERSONATING A POLICE OFFICER.

TSK, TSK, TSK.

LOOK, IF YOU LET US GO WE WON'T
SAY ANYTHING, WILL WE, MR. SPOONER?

NOT A WORD.

GET SOME MORE ROPE AND
TIE THEM TO THAT CUPBOARD.

- I MUST PROTEST.
- IF YOU DO, WE'LL GAG YOU.

THEY'VE SEEN OUR FACES.

THEY COULD IDENTIFY US.

- I HAVE NO MEMORY FOR FACES.
- ME NEITHER.

I HAVE! AND WHEN YOU'RE
IN COURT I'LL COME IN THERE

AND PICK YOU OUT AND
YOU'LL GO DOWN FOR LIFE...

SHUT UP.

PLEASE BE QUIET, MISS BRAHMS.

SHE'S ONLY DOING IT TO ANNOY
YOU. NOW, I'LL HANDLE THIS.

NOW, IF I GIVE YOU THE KEY TO
THE EXIT, WILL YOU LET US GO?

OH, SO YOU'VE GOT
A KEY, HAVE YOU?

ALL RIGHT. WHERE IS IT?!

I'LL GET IT.

NO, DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM.
THEY MUSTN'T GET AWAY WITH THIS.

MISS BRAHMS, DON'T!

THERE, YOU SEE?
YOU'VE HAD IT NOW.

'CAUSE THE KEY WAS IN THERE
AND NOW YOU CAN'T GET AWAY

AND YOU'LL HAVE TO STAY HERE AND THE
POLICE WILL COME AND YOU'LL BE NICKED.

THAT WAS NOT A VERY
CLEVER MOVE, MISS BRAHMS.

FOLLOW ME, I'VE GOT A PLAN.

COME ON.

I THINK MY LEGS HAVE
GONE ON STRIKE AGAIN.

48 COAT HANGERS,

AND NOT A SIGN
OF GETTING IT OPEN.

YOU'RE WASTING
YOUR TIME. IT'S EMPTY.

YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU TIE A
LOAD OF TROUSERS TOGETHER,

HANG THEM OUT THE WINDOW
AND ESCAPE WHILE YOU CAN?

BECAUSE WE'VE GOT OUR CHAUFFEUR ARRIVING
AT ONE MINUTE PAST 9:00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH
RUBBISH HERE, YOU KNOW?

AH! WHY DON'T WE JUST SETTLE
DOWN AND HAVE A NICE KIP?

I DON'T LIKE ANY OF
YOUR IDEAS SO FAR.

WHAT ABOUT THIS, THE ONE THING

THEY'RE MORE SCARED OF THAN
THE LAW IS THE GUMBY GANG.

- HOW WILL THAT HELP US?
- THEY'VE NEVER SEEN THEM.

WE DISGUISE OURSELVES AS
THE VILLAINS AND TAKE OVER.

YES, BUT WE STILL CAN'T GET OUT.

MISS BRAHMS THREW THE KEY AWAY.

WHEN WE TAKE OVER WE COULD
USE THE PHONE TO GET HELP.

MRS. SLOCOMBE WOULD
NEVER PASS AS MAD MA GUMBY.

LEAVE IT TO ME.

I KNOW THE LOOK.

MAD MA GUMBY.

I DON'T KNOW, THOUGH.

( clock chiming )

( snoring )

HURRY!

I'M HURRYING. I'M HURRYING.

GIVE ME THAT, COME HERE.

- ( muffled speaking )
- SHH!

WE CAN ESCAPE WHILE THEY'RE
ASLEEP AND HIDE IN THE CELLAR.

- COME ON.
- QUICK, QUICK, QUICK.

OKAY, YOU GUYS, FREEZE.

'ERE, WHO ARE YOU?

ME? I'M PA GUMBY.

AND ME AND MY FAMILY ARE
TAKING OVER IN YOUR MANOR.

OKAY, MA, I'VE GOT
THIS LOT COVERED.

LOOK, WE DON'T WANT NO TROUBLE
WITH YOU AND MAD MA GUMBY.

DID YOU SAY TROUBLE?

YOU DON'T KNOW THE
MEANING OF THE WORD TROUBLE.

SAY, PA, DON'T KILL THAT ONE.

I KIND OF LIKE HIS STYLE.

COME DOWN AND SEE ME SOMETIME.

DON'T YOU MEAN
"COME UP AND SEE YOU"?

NO, I LIVE IN THE BASEMENT.

LOOK, WE DON'T WANT NO
VIOLENCE AND WE'RE NOT ARMED.

WE WAS JUST DOING A
BIT OF PETTY THIEVING.

YEAH, WE DON'T MIND IF
YOU MOVE IN ON OUR MANOR.

WE'LL SPLIT OUR SHARE.

IN FACT, YOU CAN HAVE ALL OF IT.

SAY, THAT'S QUITE A
LOT OF CABBAGE, PA.

YOU COUNT IT, SUGAR,

WHILE I CALL IN OUR CRAZY SON.

NOT ITALIAN TONY,
THE TOOTING TERROR?

- THE SAME.
- THE VERY SAME.

Both: THE SAME!

AND UNCONTROLLABLE
WHEN THERE'S A FULL MOON.

AND THE FULL MOON IS TONIGHT.

OKAY, TONY, YOU CAN COME IN NOW.

♪ HELLO MAMA, HELLO PAPA ♪

♪ WHAT WE GOT HERE IS A WOPPA. ♪

( fake Italian accent )
WHO ARE THESE BUMS?

INTERLOPERS. THEY'RE
MOVING IN ON OUR MANOR, SON.

HOLD-A ME BACK BEFORE
I GIVE 'EM WHAT FOR.

NO, TONY, YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET YOURSELF GO.

OH, PAPA, YOU ARE A SPOILSPORT.

- WHO ARE THESE TWO CREEPS?
- THEY WAS POSING AS THE LAW.

MAYBE WE SHOULD CHUCK
'EM OUTTA THE WINDOW.

- THAT WOP SON OF YOURS
IS OFF HIS ROCKER.
- YEAH.

IF YOU KILL US, YOU'LL
NEVER GET INTO THE SAFE.

YOU SAID IT WAS EMPTY.

I WAS LYING TO YOU.
IT'S FULL OF MONEY.

ALL YOU NEED IS A DRILL FROM
THE ELECTRICAL DEPARTMENT.

OKAY, SON. YOU BETTER
BE TELLING THE TRUTH.

OTHERWISE I'LL SET TONY ON YOU.

NO, NO, PAPA, HE IS AN OLD MAN.

I THINK HE TELL THE TRUTH.

OKAY, YOU GUYS, GET DOWN TO THE
ELECTRICAL DEPOT AND GET THE DRILL.

RIGHT.

BY THE WAY, THERE'S A
RUMOR IN THE UNDERWORLD

YOU'RE VERY KEEN ON THE GIRLS.

SO LONG AS IT'S ONLY A RUMOR.

YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN HAVE
THAT ONE. SHE'S ALL YOURS.

NO, NO, I SHALL NEVER
GIVE IN TO AN ITALIAN WOPPA.

WE DO HAVE RUMORS
IN THE UNDERWORLD.

I'M PROUD TO MEET YOU, TONY.

IN THE UNDERWORLD,
YOU'RE A LEGEND.

THEY'LL BE TALKING
ABOUT YOU SOON.

YEAH, HE'S DEFINITELY ONE OF US.

IF EVER YOU NEED A COUPLE
OF GOOD BLOKES BEHIND YOU...

YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.

OKAY, FELLAS, YOU
GET YOUR DRILL.

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR OLD MAN,

I THINK YOU AND ME COULD
MAKE MUSIC TOGETHER.

PITY I SOLD THE PIANO.

THANK GOODNESS, THEY'VE GONE. I
THOUGHT MY LEGS WERE GOING TO GO AGAIN.

- WE FOOLED THEM.
- YEAH, BUT HOW ARE WE
GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE?

I'M TELEPHONING THE POLICE.

HELLO, POLICE?

IT'S URGENT, IT DOESN'T
MATTER WHICH STATION.

MY NUMBER... EXTENSION
214, GRACE BROTHERS, YES.

- QUICK, THEY'RE COMING.
- QUICK, LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
DOING SOMETHING.

WHAT SHALL I DO?

LIVE UP TO YOUR
REPUTATION. GIVE HER A KISS.

- YOU THINK
THEY'LL BELIEVE IT?
- THEY WILL.

I DON'T KNOW... BUT
I'M NOT USED TO THIS.

- SHUT UP.
- NO!

THE STEEL DOORS WAS DOWN SO
WE COULDN'T GET TO THE DRILLS.

I SEE TONY'S GOING TRUE TO FORM.

Eddie: YEAH, LIVING
UP TO HIS REPUTATION.

YEAH, AND THAT'S ONLY
JUST CHATTING HER UP.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

WELL TREAT IT GENTLY.
IT'S IN A STRANGE PLACE.

NO, I WILL TELEPHONE THE MAN
WHO HAS THE KEY TO THE SAFE.

AND TELL HIM IF HE DOESN'T BRING THEM
DOWN HERE, HE'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.

HERE'S THE PHONE AND
DON'T DO ANYTHING FANCY.

JUST KEEP THE
DIALOGUE LEGIT, SAVVY?

SAVVY.

- ( rings )
- AH!

WHO IS THIS? IT'S
AFTER MIDNIGHT.

It's Captain Peacock, sir.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY RINGING ME AT HOME?

SIR, I'M IN YOUR OFFICE WITH
FIVE DESPERATE CRIMINALS

AND IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN
HERE WITH THE KEYS TO YOUR SAFE

YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'VE ONLY GOT MY TEA CUP
AND BISCUITS IN THAT SAFE.

AS MUCH MONEY AS THAT?

WELL, YOU BETTER GET
DOWN HERE IN A HURRY.

GIVE IT TO ME. AND DON'T
SPILL THE BEANS TO THE FUZZ

OR IT'S CURTAINS
FOR THE CAPTAIN.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, WHAT
ARE YOU PLAYING AT?

SLOCOMBE? I'VE NEVER
HEARD OF THE DAME.

NOW GET ON OVER HERE.

'ERE, LET ME HAVE A GO.

MR. RUMBOLD, IT'S TRUE. THERE'S ME
AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK AND MR. SPOONER.

WE'RE BEING HELD
PRISONERS IN YOUR OFFICE.

OH PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT
TO GET HERE QUICKLY.

I WON'T FORGET THIS
POOR PRACTICAL JOKE.

I KNEW STOCK-TAKING
NIGHT WOULDN'T GO BY

WITHOUT SOMETHING
LIKE THIS HAPPENING.

JUST DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

HE'S HUNG UP.

WELL THAT'S TORN IT.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

I'VE GOT IT.

YOU GO GET A TROLLEY, THERE'S
BOUND TO BE ONE BY THE GOODS LIFT.

THEN WHEN THE STORE
OPENS IN THE MORNING

WE'LL JUST WALK OUT
AS COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

OH MEIN PAPA, YOU
GOTTA THE BRAIN.

- I GOT TO, AIN'T I?
- Both: RIGHT.

QUICK, PHONE THE POLICE.

- ( phone rings )
- ( deep voice ) MENSWEAR.

SO, MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU'RE THERE AS WELL.

LOOK, MR. RUMBOLD,
WE'RE IN YOUR OFFICE

AND THERE ARE BURGLARS HERE. NOW
FOR GOODNESS SAKE, GET THE POLICE.

GIVE IT TO ME. MR. RUMBOLD,
YOU'VE GOT TO COME AND GET US OUT.

- WE'RE IN DANGER.
- OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

ANYWAY, MR. HARMAN HAS
A KEY. YOU CAN GET OUT.

BUT MISS BRAHMS HAS
THROWN IT OUT OF THE WINDOW!

THEY'RE COMING BACK.

HERE WE ARE. THIS
SHOULD DO THE TRICK.

- RIGHT.
- ( groaning )

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, BOYS.

I LIKE A BIT OF MUSCLE.

OKAY, GET THAT TO THE GOODS LIFT,
READY TO GO AS SOON AS THE DOORS OPEN.

'ERE, WHY DON'T YOU
DO A BIT OF WORK?

YOU NO SPEAK TO
MY PAPA LIKE THAT.

OTHERWISE I SPREAD YOU
ACROSS THE WALL LIKE JAM.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT, TONY.
KEEP YOUR HAIR ON.

OKAY, YOU GUYS, LET'S JUST
GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

OH, MR. HUMPHRIES,
THAT WAS GOOD.

- KEEP YOUR HAIR ON.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, THEY'VE GONE.

- YOUR HAIR IN YOUR HAT!
- OH YEAH.

WE CAN'T RELY ON
RUMBOLD. I THINK I BETTER

GET UP ON THE ROOF AND
TRY TO ATTRACT ATTENTION.

I CAN STRIKE MATCHES,
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

DON'T BE SO SILLY. WHERE
COULD WE SAY YOU'D GONE?

JUST SAY THAT I
ESCAPED FROM YOU.

FROM SOMEONE AS TOUGH AS
ME? THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE YOU.

MR. HARMAN, YOU GO OUT
THERE AND KEEP THEM BUSY.

MR. SPOONER, GRAB A MALE DUMMY
FROM DISPLAY AND BRING IT IN HERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
- NEVER MIND THAT, JUST GO.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

( phone rings )

IT'S A COIN BOX.

OH, WHAT DO YOU
WANT, MR. RUMBOLD?

HOW MANY MEN? THERE WERE TWO.

YES, I KNOW WE SAID FIVE
BUT THAT WAS FOR THEM.

LOOK, YOU'VE GOT TO COME AND
GET THE POLICE AND BRING THEM HERE.

AND HURRY UP, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

I'M NOT PANICKING, NO.

WHAT? NO, I'M NOT REALLY
BEING HELD PRISONER, BUT...

ME AND MR. HARMAN ARE
PRETENDING TO BE GANGSTERS

AND MR. HUMPHRIES IS OUR STEPSON

AND WE'VE CAPTURED CAPTAIN PEACOCK
AND MISS BRAHMS AND MR. SPOONER

AND THEY THINK THAT MR. HUMPHRIES
IS KEEN ON MISS BRAHMS.

TELL HIM I CAN'T KEEP
IT UP MUCH LONGER.

NO, THAT MIGHT CONFUSE HIM.

AND FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, HURRY
UP! WE'RE IN DREADFUL DANGER.

OH RIGHT, BRING IT OVER HERE.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, YOU GO UP ON
THE ROOF AND ATTRACT ATTENTION.

MR. HUMPHRIES, OPEN THE
WINDOW AND STAND THERE.

- WHAT SHALL I DO?
- JUST DANGLE IT OUT
OF THE WINDOW.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- THE DUMMY,

THE LEGS. SEE, YOU GRAB
ONE LEG, I'LL GRAB THE OTHER

AND THEN WE'LL PRETEND
IT'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK

AND THAT WE'RE TRYING
TO MAKE HIM TALK.

RIGHT, PEACOCK, SPILL THE
BEANS OR YOU'LL TAKE A DIVE.

HERE, STEADY ON.

HE'S GONNA TELL US THE
COMBINATION OF THE SAFE.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR
MIND? YOU COULD DROP HIM.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW,
HE GOTTA FALSE LEGS.

- WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
- WE CAN'T, WE HAVEN'T GOT
THE KEY.

SUDDENLY I FEEL KIND OF PECKISH.

WHY DON'T YOU NIP UP TO THE
CANTEEN AND GRAB A SANDWICH?

SURE THING, MA.

YOU COME WITH ME,
WE HAVE A LITTLE...

HE'S SUCH A LITTLE TEARAWAY.

HOW CAN YOU BE SO COOL?

I CAN WARM UP WHEN
I HAVE TO, BIG BOY.

- CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- ( yells )

MR. HUMPHRIES, THANK
HEAVENS IT'S YOU.

- HOW DID YOU ESCAPE?
- NEVER MIND THAT NOW.

NOW LOOK, I'VE GOT THIS ROPE
OVER THE PULLEY ON THE FLAGPOLE.

I'M GOING TO TIE IT AROUND
MY WAIST, LIKE THAT.

NOW, YOU MUST LOWER
ME OVER THE EDGE

- AND I'LL GO
AND GET THE POLICE.
- ISN'T IT A BIT RISKY?

I MUST DO IT. IF I'M NOT HOME BY
1:00 MY MOTHER LOCKS THE DOOR.

OH, GOOD LUCK.

DON'T GET CARRIED
AWAY WITH YOUR PART.

Peacock: HERE YOU GO. TAKE
THE STRAIN, MISS BRAHMS.

CAREFUL NOW. GENTLY, GENTLY.

THERE WE GO. YEP.

LITTLE MORE. CAREFUL NOW.

LOOK.

WE'LL HAVE TO GET MORE
ROPE. HE'S STUCK HALFWAY.

TONY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I JUST COME DOWN TO SEE

IF YOU WANTED MUSTARD
ON YOUR SANDWICH

OR WILL YOU TAKE IT PLAIN?

Man on bullhorn:
This is the police.

The building is surrounded and
officers are already in the building.

You had better
give yourselves up.

BLIMEY, QUICK,
INTO THE CUPBOARD.

ALL RIGHT, WE GOT THEM.

AND A NASTY LOOKING
BUNCH THEY ARE, TOO.

OH, I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.

DO YOU KNOW THIS PERSON, SIR?

I DON'T RECOGNIZE
ANYONE IN THIS ROOM.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

- WHO IS THAT?
- WHO'S THAT? I'VE NO IDEA.

LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND
OF ICE CREAM SELLER.

- COME ON, YOU LOT.
- NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

( arguing )

HELLO, DEAR. YES,
A HOAX AS I THOUGH.

OH THEY DO IT
EVERY STOCK-TAKING.

I'VE TAUGHT THEM A LESSON.

I SAID I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ANY OF THEM.
THEY'RE OFF TO THE POLICE STATION.

YES, BYE.

DO YOU BY ANY CHANCE
HAVE THE KEYS TO THE SAFE?

MR. HUMPHRIES, GET
THE POLICE BACK, QUICKLY!

( cash register rings ) DON'T TALK
TO ME. I'M OFF TO BOW STREET.

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪