Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 0, Episode 0 - Pilot - full transcript

♫ Ground floor perfumery,
stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

- Oh, is that the best
you can do Miss Brahms.

- Oh it's not my job
is it, I'll try again.

Well look, the girl who operates the lift

should be here to help us with the move.

- Oh never mind, come along.

Oh, Miss Brahms, pull your skirt down.

- But we're not open.

- That may be, but now that
we're sharing our department,



with gents outfitting, it might pay us

to be a little more circumspect.

- Oh blimey, women drivers.

- That'll do, Mr. Mash,
instead of standing there,

making sarcastic remarks,
you could give us a hand.

- Middle class cow.

- All that women's lib's
gone to her head, mate.

- Oh, I hope not.

If she burns her bra, we'll have to call

out the London Fire Brigade.

- Women's department.

Who ever heard of a women's
department on this floor?

It's been men's ever since I was a boy.

- That Mrs. Pankhurst
really started something.



- Well what are you going to
do about it Mr. Humphries?

- Well as a matter of fact, I was thinking

of chaining meself to the lift gates.

Kinky.

Here you are then.

- Mr. Knowles sent it up from display.

It's the new Beauty Belle
point of sale model.

Here watch this, look.

- I'm not having that common
thing in my department.

- You're just jealous
'cause you can't do it.

Oh I don't know though.

- Hide it somewhere Miss Brahms.

- Oh no, you can't do that Mrs. Slocombe.

- Because we now have the sole concession

for Beauty Belle.

- I'm not surprised.

- And if you don't display
it somewhere prominent,

you'll have trouble with
the buying department.

- I see.

Find somewhere prominent
for it Miss Brahms.

And in the meantime, I'll just
shove it under the counter.

- I say is that the best you can do.

- It's the nearest I've
been to it all morning.

Here hang on, give me a hand with this.

Well come on, which end do you want,

heads or tails.

- Now do be careful.

Mrs. Slocombe had to
wait six weeks for it.

- Well when you get to her
age, what can you expect.

- Mr. Lucas, put something on it.

It is a house rule, you know.

- Well, I'm sorry Mr.
Grainger, I thought it

was alright, if it was wearing tights.

- I see what you mean.

- Anyway, the upper
part should be obscured.

- I'm sorry Mr. Grainger.

- How long have you been
with Grace Brothers,

Mr Lucas?

- One month, Mr. Grainger.

I'm still sort of feeling my way around,

as you might say.

- Yes.

- Alright then lend us your knickers.

- Now don't you start.

And anyway, they wouldn't
obscure anything.

Oh, the lift doors.

- Hang on, back up.

Where is the button, oh, whoops.

- Where do you want it, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh, put it on the podium Miss Brahms.

- Come on dear, you're
going on the podium.

That's it, on there, that's right.

- Oh really not so clumsy.

- Thank you Miss Brahms.

- Just a minute. Isn't
there something missing?

- Well no, I think it looks
quite realistic actually.

Oh, I see what you mean.

It must be in the lift.

- Put the Chandor two
piece on it Miss Brahms.

- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh and hurry up with
that head, Mr. Lucas,

it's nearly opening time.

- I shan't be a minute.

- It suits you.

- I'm sorry.

- The other way 'round, Mr. Lucas.

- Oh yes.

- Oh really.

That's better.

Oh, look what you've done to the nose.

Oh, you've ruined it.

- No I haven't. I haven't ruined it.

Well I mean they always look
too perfect, these models

anyway don't they.

I mean people do have
crooked noses, you know?

Somebody might come in one
day with a crooked nose

look at that dress, and
say I'll have that dress,

it'll go with my crooked nose.

- I don't think they would, Mr. Lucas.

I'm afraid I shall have to
complain to your superiors

about this.

And in the meantime, Miss Brahms, oh dear,

take the head off that model over there.

- Yeah, but it's not all
his fault, Mrs. Slocombe,

I did ask him to help me.

- Well there will have to be an inquiry.

Somebody will have to pay.

- Well I was only trying to help.

- Oh and look at the marks on the shoes.

- Well I have something to get that off.

- Oh really.

- Hand me some of the cuff
links, will you Mr. Humphries?

- No no, gold is more dignified.

The glitter detracts from the shirt,

and it's the shirt we're trying to show.

- Quite right Mr. Grainger,
I never would have

thought of that.

- Don't rub too hard. Gold
isn't what it used to be.

- No, no it isn't.

Nothing's what it used to
be, is it Mr. Grainger?

- No, indeed.

How do you find young Mr. Lucas?

- Oh he's very obliging.

- Well I mean he helps out
and that sort of thing.

- Yes, well I think it's time he stopped

helping out the ladies and
returned to his own department.

- Yes.

Say that I would like
to have a word with him.

- Good morning Mr. Lucas.

- Oh.

- Am I to understand that
you have deserted gentlemen's

ready made in favor of the ladies?

- Well I'm just giving
a helping hand, sir.

- Well I'm glad to see that
the arrival of the ladies

in your territory hasn't
caused any bad blood.

- Oh no, not from me Captain Peacock.

- Mmmm. One wonders whether
the arrival of gentlemen's

shoes, for instance,
would have been treated

with the same enthusiasm.

- Mr. Lucas is doing his
best to make us feel at home,

Captain Peacock,

which is more than can
be said for the rest

of the department.

- Well just a passing
phase, Mrs. Slocombe.

With your personality,
I'm sure you could charm

the very birds off the trees.

- Oh, oh I wouldn't say that.

- Neither would I.

- And Lucas, while you're down there,

straighten those seams.

I hate to see crooked seams.

- Yes, Mr. Peacock.

- Captain Peacock.

- No!

- I'm sorry Mrs. Slocombe,
Captain Peacock told me

to do it.

I mean straighten them, I mean.

Not yours, the dummies.

- Griffin wants you.

- Yes thank you.

I'm so sorry.

- Oh that Mr. Lucas just put his hands

all over me stockings.

- Oh dear. I hope he didn't snag them.

- No, no. He has quite
smooth hands actually.

- Mr. Lucas, it isn't that
we want to be unfriendly

to the ladies, but at the
same time, we don't want

to be too outgoing in our welcome.

- Well I was only trying to
be helpful, I mean after all,

they are human beings aren't they.

- Yes, you may be right there.

But see it from our point of view.

That section has been part
of the gents ready made

for the last 25 years,
hasn't it Mr. Humphries?

- Yes, Mr. Grainger.

- Now we have 30 percent
less space, which could mean

30 percent less sales and
possibly 30 percent less salesmen.

Am I right Mr. Humphries?

- Quite right, Mr. Grainger.

- And you have only been
with us a very short time,

am I right Mr. Lucas?

- Quite right, Mr. Grainger.

- Just watch it, that's all.

- Don't take any notice of him.

He won't sack you. He's too soft hearted.

He'll get Peacock to do it.

- I mean was that right what
he said about, you know,

30 percent less sales?

- No not in your case.

I mean you couldn't have 30
percent of nothing, could you?

I mean it's all this
stupid seniority thing.

The only chance I get a
look in to serve someone

is when you're too busy
serving somebody else.

- Yeah, well when you've
been here as long as I have,

you'll get first batch.

- By that time, I shan't
hear what the customer's

asking for, for the creaking of my joints.

- Another remark like
that and you could lose

the only friend you have.

- Opening time. Stand by for the stampede.

- Time Mr. Lucas.

- Yes of course, Captain Peacock,

anything in particular sir.

- Straighten your tie, Mr. Lucas.

- Oh, yes sir.

- One pencil is sufficient.

- Yes, Captain Peacock.

Shall I keep the HB or the special soft?

- If you were troubled to read
the memo from the accounts

department, you would know
that they prefer ball points.

Correct Mr. Humphries?

- Ball points, Captain Peacock.

- Actually I did have a
ball point, but I was always

getting ticked off, because
I kept getting blue streaks

on me white handkerchief, you see.

- Possibly a retractable pen
would solve your problems.

- Oh that's very nice, sir.

- You can get them from the stationery.

You get a staff discount.

- Yes sir.

- And by the way, about that handkerchief.

May I show you how we
do it at Grace Brothers?

We don't just take it from the laundry,

fold it and stuff it in.

- No.

Oh, excuse me.

- Don't interrupt.

We place it so.

We then take it in the middle like so.

We flute it so.

We bend over the bottom, so.

And tuck it back, so.

The effect is casual, but smart.

- It sets the pen off nicely too.

- Well do it.

- Ah, yes, yes sir.

- Take it from the center
or as near to the center

as you can get.

Flute it.

- Flute it.

- Bend over the bottom.

- Bend over the bottom.

- And tuck it.

- Tuck it.

- Good. That's much better. Carry on.

- What a bloody palaver.

- You must admit, it
does look rather smart.

- Well I suppose it does.

- Especially if it's on cardboard.

- How long did you say
you'd been with this firm?

Ten years is it?

I mean how'd you manage to put up with it?

- You just have to smile
and grit your teeth.

This is the second set I've had this year.

I like it much better
than where I was before.

I was in tools, paint and hardware.

You meet a much nicer class
of person at Grace Brothers.

- Well who wants to buy
a suit at nine o'clock

on a Monday morning?

- That fellow does.

Let me serve him.

I didn't make any commission last Friday.

- You sold that 38 long.

- I know, but the man
brought it back again.

His wife didn't like
it, it didn't fit her.

Go on please, let me have it.

- It's Grainger's first.

- Well he hasn't seen
him. I'm gonna serve him.

- Well don't mess it up.

- Uh no.

- Then perhaps I could interest
you sir in an overcoat, sir,

what do you think?

This type of overcoat
right here is ideal for our

present inclement weather
that we're having sir.

Now of course it looks
like tweed, but in fact,

it has been macatexed,

which means that it is
almost entirely waterproof.

What size are you sir?

- Well as a matter of fact,
I was looking for the gents.

- In that case, size doesn't
really come into it does it?

It's over there.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Lucas.

- Yes.

- If you would've allowed Mr.
Humphries or myself to deal

with that customer, we
might've made a sale.

What did he want?

- The gents.

- The gents gents.

- Oh must be raining again.

They always come in when it's raining.

Well now get behind your counter,

because young Mr. Grace will
be coming in any minute.

- Young Mr. Grace, the chairman.

Yes, he'll be coming in, he
always comes in the first Monday

of the month.

- Yes sir.

- Right and clear up that litter.

- Clear up that litter.

Hello.

- Blue cinema club.

- I shouldn't have though
a young virile gentleman

like yourself needed
that sort of stimulation.

- It's not mine. It fell out
of Captain Peacock's pocket.

- It didn't. Let me have a look.

Oh, member's signature,
Captain John Smith.

Captain John Smith. That's him all right.

I wondered why he brought
that brown rain coat

in the sale.

- I better give it to him.

- That'll be the last thing you do.

- Well if he knows that you
know that he goes sitting

in that little cinema, where
there's no room for your legs

and they always have their
mac's over their knees.

- My doctor sent me there for therapy.

- That's none of your business.

- We are going to do nothing.

You leave it there. He'll see it.

He's got eyes like a
Scandinavian mountain hawk.

We'll pretend we haven't seen it.

- Now then, I don't want
anybody to go to coffee until

young Mr. Grace the chairman
comes through on his way

to the executive suite.

- Of course not, Captain Peacock.

I understand that Mr. Grace
comes in on every Monday morning

of the first Monday of every month sir.

- Quite right Mr. Smith, uh Lucas.

- I am looking forward to seeing him, sir.

- We're all looking forward to seeing him.

And you remember how to flute yours?

- Oh yes sir.

- Well I'll just show you once more.

Is that clear?

- Casual but smart.

- Just like a conjuring trick.

- Yes, well carry on.

- Hello, here he is.

- Young Mr. Grace.

- Morning.

- Old Mr. Grace doesn't get
about very much these days.

- Morning. Morning.

Good morning.

- Morning. Morning.

Good morning sir.

- Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning.

- Good morning.

- He's worth two million.

- He can't take it with him.

- The way he's walking, it looks at though

he's carrying it on his back.

- Morning.

- Good morning.

- Your receipt is inside.

Thank you so much, good morning.

- Good morning.

- Oh Miss Brahms.

- Yes.

- I want you to pop over
and ask Mr. Humphries

if he'd mind removing his
shirts from this center stand.

I want to put our strapless bras up there.

- Yes Mrs. Slocombe.

- And don't get delayed by that Mr. Lucas.

- No.

- And don't forget to
mention all these trousers.

- Fine.

Are you free Mr. Humphries?

- At the moment, yes.

- Good.

Mrs. Slocombe asked me to
ask you if you wouldn't mind

removing your shirts in
the center display stand.

Whatever for?

- Well she wants to put
her strapless bras there.

Oh yes, and there's the trousers as well.

- I'm sorry, my dear. That's
more than my job's worth.

You'll have to take it
up with Mr. Grainger.

They're his trousers, anyway.

- Thank you Mr. Humphries
for being so obliging.

- She's got a nerve.

- She wants to remove my shirt
and put a bra there instead.

- Just you or all of us.

- Don't worry about the
sleeves sir, they'll ride up

with wear.

If they don't, do bring them
back and this is yours, sir.

Good day to you, sir.

Oh, are you being served madam?

- No, I'm Mrs. Slocombe's
assistant, Miss Brahms.

- Oh indeed.

- Yes she asked me to ask you
if you'd mind if Mr. Humphries

took the shirts down
from the center display.

- Take the shirts down
from the center display?

- Yes, she wants to put her bras there.

- No, her bras.

Oh yes, and there's the trousers as well.

- Mrs. Slocombe didn't like
to take down your trousers

without asking you first.

- I think that if Mrs. Slocombe
wants to make any further

inroads into my department, she had better

inform me personally.

- Right, well I'll tell her,
you'll come across then.

- On the contrary, she
can come and see me.

- Very well.

- She did ask me first, Mr. Grainger,

but of course, I sent
her straight over to you.

- You're quite right, indeed.

- I hope I did the right thing.

- You certainly did.

- I hope I did the right
thing, Mrs. Slocombe.

- You did Miss Brahms.

I'll soon sort him out.

He'll feel the rough edge of me tongue.

- Yes, well do be careful Mrs. Slocombe.

- Round two, Mrs. Slocombe
comes out of her corner

on her two flat feet.

- Good morning, Mr. Grainger.

- Morning.

- Uh, yes, I'm free.

- I understand that there's
been a little misunderstanding

regarding the center stand.

- Not at all.

That stand has been the focal
point of our sales display

since the advent of Oxford
banks and it is going to stay

that way.

- Oh, that isn't what I
understood when I agreed

to share my department with you.

- May I remind you, that
I am not sharing with you.

You are sharing with me.

- The difference, Mrs.
Slocombe, is that you're

not going to get that stand.

- I see.

Well I shall have to go over your head,

which won't be all that difficult.

- Can I get you a glass
of water, Mr. Grainger.

- Yes.

- A glass of water for Mr. Grainger.

Let the cold tap run.

- At the moment, yes.

- Well, it's like this Captain Peacock,

when I agreed to move
my department down here,

I understood that I was
to have proper display

facilities.

Well I've just asked, very politely,

asked Mr. Grainger to accommodate
me on the center stand.

And he as good as told me to get stuffed.

- That doesn't sound
like our Mr. Grainger.

- Oh well, those weren't his exact words,

but that's what he implied.

- Well now what do you expect
me to do, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Well, I thought that as
you were in command here,

you'd tell him where he got off.

- Well you must understand
Mrs. Slocombe that...

- Oh come now, Betty.

- Betty.

As I was saying, you must
understand Mrs. Slocombe,

that Mr. Grainger has been
here a very very long time.

- Then it's time he went.

- It's hardly your place to decide that.

- Do you mean you're
just going to stand there

and let him walk all over me?

- I don't think there's
much danger of that.

- I shall go and have a word with him

and hear his side of it.

- But I told you his side of it.

- You must leave this to me Mrs. Slocombe.

- Very well, Captain Peacock.

- Oh he's as weak as water.

Weak as water, he is.

Weak as water.

Anyway, he's taking it hard.

- Oh, I bet you twisted him
around your little finger.

- Oh, well after all, he's only a man.

- There there Mr. Grainger,
now you mustn't upset yourself.

We're right behind you,
aren't we Mr. Lucas.

_ Oh right up to the hilt.

- Thank you Mr. Humphries.

Thank you Mr. Lucas.

- It's been a pleasure Mr. Grainger.

- Now he's coming over. Don't give in.

- Oh I won't.

- Yes hello Captain.

- It's very quiet this
morning, Mr. Grainger.

- Yes, very very quiet.

- Very quiet indeed.

Mr. Lucas and I were just
remarking how quiet it was,

weren't we Mr. Lucas.

- Oh yes, very quiet, very
quiet, yes, very quiet.

I think things might liven
up in a minute or two though.

- If you're free, Mr.
Grainger, I'd like a word.

- Oh yes, I think I'm free, yes.

Take over will you Mr. Humphries.

I'm going to have a word
with Captain Peacock.

- Yes of course.

- Would you like me to take
over from you Mr. Humphries.

- No, get over there,
and see if you can hear

what they're saying.

- I've just been having a
word with Mrs. Slocombe.

- So have I.

- Mmmm. A very difficult woman, Ernest.

- Yes, most of them are.

- Yes, I'm in a very awkward
position, you understand.

I'm mean I'm under fire from both sides.

- Well look here Stephen, you
and I have known each other

for many years.

You know that I would
do anything in my power

to smooth the way.

- Thank you Ernest.

- Short of giving her that stand.

- You're not gettin' it.

- We're not getting it.

- I see.

Nevil, get me Mr. Rumbold's office.

Hello, could I speak
with Mr. Rumbold please.

- Well I'm sorry Mrs. Slocombe,

but I'm afraid Mr. Rumbold's still with

young Mr. Grace at the moment.

Oh, hang on a second, I
think he's just leaving.

- Morning.

- Good morning.

- Morning.

- Good morning.

Well that was a short day, wasn't it?

- I don't know, he's put in ten minutes.

I wonder where he's going.

- I'd say it's a toss up between the bank

and the undertaker.

I'll build a stairway to heaven.

Come on Sir Edmund, come on Sir Edmund

you're doing great there, boy.

- You've all done very well.

Thank you.

- You're through now Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh thank you.

Mr. Rumbold, I'm sorry to trouble you,

but I have a rather
serious complaint to make.

- She's phoning Rumbold.

She's going over my head.

- She's already been over mine.

- Well I've heard both sides of the story.

I appreciate your points
about your brassieres,

Mrs. Slocombe, but you must realize that

that stand has been the
focal point of Mr. Grainger's

trousers for the last 25 years.

We must all pull together
and make the machine

run smoothly, hmmm?

- Here, here.

Hmmm?

- Here, here.

Hmmm?

- Here, here, too but what are we going

to do about it?

- Well it's very difficult.

- It's not at all easy for you sir,

being Solomon is it?

- No indeed it isn't Captain Peacock.

- Nobody's cutting a baby in half.

- That's what Solomon did, Mr. Rumbold.

Whatever for?

- As a mater of fact, sir, he didn't.

Two women came unto
Solomon with the same baby,

both claiming it was theirs.

- I don't think that's
apropo, Captain Peacock.

We are here to discuss
Mrs. Slocombe displaying

her underwear.

- And furthermore, I don't
happen to have a baby.

And if I did have a baby,
it would be nothing to do

with whether I have my
underwear up or not.

- No one's suggested you did have a baby.

- I don't happen to be married.

At the moment.

- Well it's not unheard
of these days, you know.

- Having a baby out of wedlock.

- Look what's me not
having a baby got to do

with him not taking his trousers down?

- They've been at it
for two hours in there.

- They're probably going
to take it to Vic Feather.

Here they come.

- Mr. Humphries, if you're free.

Miss Brahms gather 'round.

Mr. Lucas, are you free?

- I'm free.

- Come a little closer, we
don't want the customers

to hear.

- You'd have to shout.

- Well then gentlemen and ladies,
Mrs. Slocombe has referred

the matter of the center
display to Mr. Rumbold,

who took the view I think quite rightly

that it should continue
under Mr. Grainger's command,

where he can continue to
deploy his shirts and trousers

as he thinks fit.

- Oh well done, Mr. Grainger.

- Thank you Mr. Humphries.

- Well done Mr. Humphries.

- Does that mean, we can't
have even one bra up there?

It's a man's world, isn't it?

- Captain Peacock, now
that I have, as it were,

won the day, I feel that in the interest

of interdepartmental
relations I might just see

my way perhaps to giving
Mrs. Slocombe a small foot

in my stand.

Shall we say, one bra?

- Why not, I mean half
a bra would be better

than no bra at al, wouldn't it.

- Oh that's too generous
of you, Mr. Grainger.

- Of course I do, Captain Peacock.

- Well, everything's settled amicably.

- Thank god for that.

- I knew the very thing.

- Beregen, Grainger here,
give me Mr. Rumbold.

♫ Ground floor perfumery,
stationery, leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones,
gents ready-made suits,

♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear and shoes...going up

♫ Second floor carpets,
travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings,
restaurant and teas

♫ Going down