Archie's Weird Mysteries (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Jughead Incident - full transcript

Narrator:
THE JUGHEAD INCIDENT.

DANGER COMES BY NIGHT.

WILL STUMBLING
ONTO A FLYING SAUCER

BE ARCHIE'S LAST ACT
OF CLUMSINESS ON EARTH?

FIND OUT IN...

THE JUGHEAD INCIDENT.

♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD



♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHO IS GONNA
CRACK THE CASE? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ THAT REDHEAD
WITH THE FRECKLED FACE ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ THINGS ARE GETTIN' WEIRD
IN RIVERDALE ♪

♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES



♪ ARCHIE, REGGIE

♪ VERONICA, BETTY

♪ JUGHEAD, TOO

♪ WEIRD

♪ ARCHIE'S
WEIRD MYSTERIES ♪

[SQUAWKS]

THIS MAY
BE OUR LAST CHANCE
TO STOP THE INVASION.

WE CAN
THE INTERSTATE

AND BE NEAR
THE LANDING SITE
IN 2 HOURS.

SO WHERE'S IT HEADED?

A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED RIVERDALE.

Veronica:
OH, ARCHIE-KINS,

THIS GOING TO BE
SO ROMANTIC.

A PICNIC DINNER
A LOOKOUT POINT.

YEP, I'VE SWORN
A SOLEMN OATH

TO LET NOTHING
STAND IN THE WAY

OF OUR HAVING
A WONDERFUL EVENING.

NO INTERRUPTIONS
FROM BETTY,

NO PRACTICAL JOKES
FROM REGGIE,

AND ESPECIALLY--

HUH?[BRAKES SQUEAL]

NO WEIRD MYSTERIES.

WHAT IS HE DOING?

UNH! UHH!

OH, NO! GOOD-BYE
ROMANTIC DREAM DATE!

YOU'RE RIGHT, VERONICA.
I TOOK A SOLEMN OATH.

NOTHING SHALL DIVERT US
FROM LOOKOUT POINT

AND OUR PICNIC DINNER.

WAIT. WHAT ISHE DOING?

AND WHY
IS HE DOING IT?

OK, MAYBE JUST
ONE LITTLE DIVERSION.

OTHERWISE, WE'LL
BE WONDERING ALL NIGHT.

UNH! UHH!

[BRICKS CLATTER]

UNH!

HELLO, ARCH.
HELLO, VERONICA.

UNH!

SO, UH, JUGHEAD,
UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M ON MY WAY
TO POP TATE'S
CHOCK'LIT SHOPPE.

UNH!

WELL, SURE. UH, WHAT
I REALLY MEAN IS...

JUGHEAD, WHY ARE YOU
LUGGING ALL THESE BRICKS?

HUH?

UNH! LATELY,
I'VE NOTICED

THAT I'VE BEEN
COMING HOME

FROM POP TATE'S
CHOCK'LIT SHOPPE

ALL TIRED AND EXHAUSTED.

UNH! I JUST COULDN'T
UNDERSTAND WHY.

YOU'RE A GLUTTON
AND YOU NEVER EXERCISE?

EATING 20 HAMBURGERS
AT ONE SITTING

WOULD MAKE ANYONE
SLUGGISH, JUGHEAD.

UNH! I REALIZED
I WAS CARRYING

ALL THE EXTRA WEIGHT
OF THOSE 20 BURGERS
HOME WITH ME.

JUGHEAD, SO WHY
THE BRICKS?

IF I CARRY THESE
TO POP TATE'S,

THEN I'LL ALREADY BE
USED TO THE EXTRA WEIGHT

OF ALL THOSE HAMBURGERS.

BUT WHY NOT JUST EAT
FEWER HAMBURGERS?

THIS HARDLY
CALLS FOR TAKING
SUCH RIDICULOUSLY

DRASTIC MEASURES,
VERONICA. UNH!

BUT--

NO, VERONICA!
THIS COULD GO ON
FOR HOURS.

IT'S ALL PERFECTLY
LOGICAL TO JUGHEAD,

BUT NOT TO ANY OTHER
BEING ON THE PLANET.

BUT IF I JUST ASK
ONE MORE QUESTION...

IT NEVER
MAKES SENSE,

NO MATTER HOW MANY
QUESTIONS YOU ASK.

I SHOULD KNOW.
I'M HIS BEST FRIEND.

I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT.

OF COURSE I'M RIGHT.

NOW BUCKLE UP.

WE'RE GOING
TO LOOKOUT POINT.

THAT WAS WONDERFUL,
ARCHIE-KINS.

MMM! YOU DON'T
HAVE THEM VERY OFTEN,

BUT YOU DO HAVE
YOUR MOMENTS.

HEH HEH! I GUESS
I SHOULD BE, UH...

MOMENTOUS
MORE OFTEN.

OHH. AND YOU WERE
SO RIGHT ABOUT JUGHEAD.

WE SHOULDN'T LET
ANYTHING WEIRD

GET IN THE WAY
OF THIS PERFECT DATE.

HUH?

SO IF, OH, LET'S SAY,
A FLYING SAUCER

HAD JUST LANDED
IN THE WOODS
OUTSIDE TOWN

AND I WANTED
TO INVESTIGATE,

YOU'D BE A LITTLE
VEXED WITH ME?

I WOULD NEVER STOP
MAKING YOU SUFFER

FOR RUINING
THIS PERFECT DATE.

[GULPS]
WELL, I GUESS
IT'S A GOOD THING

THERE ISN'T
A UFO ABOUT TO LAND

IN THE WOODS
OUTSIDE RIVERDALE.

I COULD STAY LIKE THIS
FOREVER, ARCHIE-KINS.

IT'S BLISS,
ALL RIGHT.

AND THEN THE UFO SWOOPED
DOWN INTO THE WOODS.

[CHOMPING BURGER]

I'M GOING
TO DRIVE BACK OUT THERE
AND HAVE A LOOK AROUND.

WELL, IF THIS
REALLY HAPPENED...

WHY DIDN'T YOU
RUSH INTO THE WOODS

AND INVESTIGATE
WHEN YOU FIRST
SAW IT LAND, HMM?

YES, ARCHIE.
WHAT KEPT YOU

FROM INVESTIGATING
THIS WEIRD MYSTERY?

AHEM!
WELL, IT WAS NIGHT.

I DIDN'T
WANT TO LOSE MY WAY.

UH, AND THERE WERE CERTAIN
SAFETY ISSUES INVOLVED.

HE MEANS HE
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
SAFE FROM VERONICA

IF HE INTERRUPTED
THEIR DATE TO GO
CHASE SWAMP GAS.

OW! HUH?! ARCHIE,
YOU TOLD ME

YOU NEEDED TO CATCH UP
ON YOUR STUDYING.

STUDYING
VERONICA IN THE PALE
MOONLIGHT, HE MEANT.

THERE'S A PERFECTLY GOOD
EXPLANATION, BETTY.

OH! AND I'M SURE
I'LL THINK IT UP

A FEW HOURS FROM NOW

WHEN IT WON'T
DO ME ANY GOOD.

SO--HEH HEH--
ANYONE HEARD ANY
GOOD JOKES LATELY?

OH, HERE'S A GOOD ONE.

HOW MANY PANCAKES CAN YOU
FIT INTO A DOGHOUSE

IF YOUR MOTHER
IS A WASHING MACHINE

AND YOUR FATHER
IS A DRYER?

I'LL BITE.
ANYTHING TO CHANGE
THE SUBJECT.

HOW MANY?

NONE! DOGHOUSES
CAN'T FLY.

HEH HEH HEH!
I LOVE THAT JOKE.

HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!

THAT DOESN'T
MAKE ANY SENSE.

IT'S NOT EVEN
A GOOD JOKE.

OBVIOUSLY,
MY HUMOR OPERATES

ON A DIFFERENT PLANE
FROM YOURS.

JUGHEAD, YOUR
HUMOR DOESN'T
EVEN TAKE OFF

FROM THE
SAME AIRPORT AS
EVERYONE ELSE'S.

AHH!

WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO WAIT
AROUND HERE ALL DAY

FOR AN ALIEN
TO COME IN HERE
AND ORDER A BURGER.

[BLOWS KISS]

AAH!

SORRY. YOU STARTLED ME.

IT'S OUR SILENT,
CAT-LIKE REFLEXES.

PEOPLE OFTEN FIND
THEM DISCONCERTING.

OUR APOLOGIES.
YOU ARE ARCHIE ANDREWS?

Y-Y-YES.

IT'S AN HONOR
TO MEET YOU.

WE DON'T NORMALLY
REVEAL OURSELVES

TO THE LOCAL
CITIZENRY LIKE THIS.

WE'RE BIG FANS.

YOUR "ARCHIE'S WEIRD MYSTERIES"
COLUMN

IS A BIG HIT
BACK AT THE AGENCY.

WE READ IT EVERY WEEK.

BIG FANS OF MY COLUMN?
THE AGENCY?

UH, WHO ARE YOU GUYS?

WHERE ARE
OUR MANNERS?

THIS IS
MY PARTNER X,

AND I'M KNOWN
AS Y.

Y?
DON'T ASK
WHY, ARCHIE.

JUST TELL IF YOU'VE NOTICED
ANYTHING UNUSUAL AROUND TOWN.

IT'S A MATTER
OF NATIONAL SECURITY.

YOU MEAN
THE FLYING SAUCER
LANDING IN THE WOODS?

EXCUSE US
FOR A MOMENT.

WHAT DID
I TELL YOU?

HE'S GOOD,
REALLY ON TOP
OF THINGS.

A FINGER-ON-THE-PULSE
KIND OF LAD.

THIS IS HIS HOME TURF.
LET'S ENLIST HIS AID.

AGREED. HIS TALENT
FOR SNIFFING OUT
WEIRD MYSTERIES

MIGHT JUST GIVE US
THE EDGE WE NEED.

WE WON'T MINCE WORDS.

WE BELIEVE
THAT AN ADVANCE SCOUT

FOR AN ALIEN INVASION
IS HERE IN RIVERDALE.

YOUR GOVERNMENT
NEEDS YOUR HELP
CAPTURING HIM

BEFORE
HE SENDS WORD BACK
TO THE ALIEN FLEET.

LOOK FOR AN INDIVIDUAL
EXHIBITING UNUSUAL BEHAVIOR,

SOMEONE WHO
DOESN'T FIT IN.

YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.

WE'LL...
STAY IN TOUCH.

OHH! WHOA!

AN ADVANCE SCOUT
FOR AN ALIEN INVASION

I BETTER KEEP
MY EYES PEELED.

HUH?

AHH!

GOTTA STAY
EXTRA VIGILANT.

THERE'S NO TELLING
WHO MIGHT BE THAT
ALIEN SCOUT.

OOF! UNH! HUH?

ANYTHING TO REPORT?

NO. EVERYTHING SEEMS

PRETTY NORMAL
IN RIVERDALE.

LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING.

WE BELIEVE WE'VE IDENTIFIED
THE ALIEN DOUBLE AGENT.

WE'LL NEED A LOCAL
SCIENTIFIC FACILITY

TO EXAMINE HIM
ONCE WE MAKE
THE CAPTURE.

THERE'S A SCIENCE LAB
AT RIVERDALE HIGH.
WILL THAT DO?

THAT SHOULD
SUFFICE.

SO WHO'S THE ALIEN?

THE ALIEN'S
GONE UNDERCOVER

AS A RIVERDALE
HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.

IN FACT,
WE'RE SURPRISED

YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED
THE ALIEN YOURSELF.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS.

IS IT OLGA KARPUCCI?

SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN
A LITTLE STRANGE.

NO. THIS ALIEN
DOUBLE AGENT HAS
CAREFULLY SIMULATED

AN OUTWARD
HUMAN APPEARANCE.

BUT HIS TOTAL IGNORANCE

OF NORMAL HUMAN BEHAVIOR
HAS GIVEN HIM AWAY.

THAT'S WHAT
ALWAYS GIVES
YOUR AVERAGE

ALIEN DOUBLE
AGENT AWAY.

THEIR ARROGANT
REFUSAL TO LEARN

HOW TO ACT LIKE
NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS.

I KNOW, IT'S
THAT WEIRD SWENLIN KID.

HE'S ALWAYS GIGGLING TO HIMSELF
IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS.

[GURGLES AND LAUGHS]

I KNEW THAT WOULD
CHEER YOU UP,
LITTLE DECKLIN.

HEY, THERE'S ARCHIE!

SO WHO IS IT? WHO'S
THE ALIEN DOUBLE AGENT?

HERE HE COMES NOW.

ACT NATURAL.

HI, ARCHIE!

QUICK! HE'S
ATTEMPTING AN ALIEN
SHOULDER-HAND MELD.

NOW WE HAVE YOU,
ALIEN SCUM!

ALIEN SCUM?

BUT I SHOWER
EVERY OTHER WEEK.

JUGHEAD? AN ALIEN?

YOU'VE MADE
A MISTAKE.

WE DON'T MAKE MISTAKES.

THIS SUPPOSED
TEENAGER

IS REALLY AN ALIEN
DOUBLE AGENT.

ABSOLUTELY.
NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

HE CAN'T BE AN ALIEN!

I'VE KNOWN HIM
SINCE GRADE SCHOOL.

GENTLEMEN, I HAVE TO
CONCUR WITH ARCHIE.

WE'LL SEE HOW MUCH
YOU CONCUR

WHEN YOU'RE FORCED
TO SERVE GRAPE SODAS

WEARING A TUTU
TO AN ENTIRE ALIEN
OCCUPATION FORCE.

OH! COULD I HAVE
A GRAPE SODA?

SEE? HE CAN'T EVEN WAIT
FOR THE INVASION TO BEGIN

BEFORE HE STARTS
ORDERING MANKIND AROUND.

WHILE INITIAL EVIDENCE
SEEMS TO INDICATE

THAT JUGHEAD
MIGHT BE AN ALIEN,

CLOSER EXAMINATION
SHOWS THAT HE IS

ALMOST AS HUMAN
AS YOU OR I.

TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS VIDEOTAPE

BEFORE YOU MAKE
ANY SNAP JUDGEMENTS.

VERY WELL.

OH, NO.
HUH?

NOTICE THE ALIEN
DOUBLE AGENT'S

INABILITY TO
SIMULATE ANYTHING
REMOTELY SIMILAR

TO NORMAL
HUMAN BEHAVIOR.

Agent Y: NOTICE THAT
THE ALIEN DOUBLE AGENT

WEARS CLOTHES THAT ARE
YEARS OUT OF DATE

AND WEREN'T EVEN FASHIONABLE
WHEN THEY WERE IN STYLE.

CLOSE SURVEILLANCE
HAS SHOWN

THAT THE SUBJECT
SLEEPS AN AVERAGE
OF 18 HOURS A DAY,

MORE ON WEEKENDS.

OBVIOUSLY,
THE SLEEP CYCLES
ON HIS HOME PLANET

ARE VERY DIFFERENT
FROM OURS.

BUT THE MOST
COMPELLING
EVIDENCE IS...

HIS EATING HABITS.

WE ESTIMATE
THE SUBJECT INGESTS

OVER 40,000
CALORIES A DAY

AND NEVER EXERCISES.

YET HE NEVER
GAINS A POUND,

WHICH, PERSONALLY,
I RESENT.

HIS ALIEN METABOLISM
MUST BE BURNING
CALORIES

LIKE THERE'S
NO TOMORROW.

BUT THAT ONLY
PROVES THAT JUGHEAD
IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN
HE'S AN ALIEN.

WHAT YOU HAVE HERE
IS UNDENIABLE PROOF

THAT JUGHEAD
IS AN ECCENTRIC TEENAGER,
NOTHING ELSE.

YOU TWO WILL SING
A DIFFERENT TUNE

AFTER WE CRACK
HIS COVER WITH OUR
ALIEN INTERROGATION.

ALL RIGHT, YOU,
SPILL THE BEANS.

WHEN IS THE ALIEN
INVASION ARRIVING?

[SNORING]

HE'S A COOL ONE.

HIS ARROGANT CONFIDENCE

AND CAUSAL CONTEMPT
FOR MANKIND WILL BE
HIS UNDOING.

ARE YOU REALLY
SURE THESE ARE
GOVERNMENT AGENTS?

RIGHT NOW,
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
I'M REALLY SURE OF.

WHAT'S THAT?

I'VE GOT TO FIND
THE REALALIEN

BEFORE THEY DO SOMETHING
DRASTIC TO JUGHEAD.

NOW, IF I WERE AN ALIEN,

WHERE WOULD I LAND
IN THE WOODS?

OK, ARCHIE ANDREWS,
JUST REMEMBER,

THIS IS FOR JUGHEAD.

LET'S HOPE I'M NOT TRACKING
A NICE FRIENDLY EARTH BEAR.

AAH!

CONCLUSIVE PROOF
OF VISITORS FROM THE STARS!

MAN IS NOT ALONE.

ALL THESE YEARS OF WAITING
AND HOPING.

AND I FORGOT MY CAMERA
AT HOME.

SO WHAT DO I DO NOW,
KNOCK?

AND WHAT AM I GOING
TO SAY?

"EXCUSE ME, ALIEN SIR,

"I HATE TO INTERRUPT
YOUR INVASION,

"BUT, PLEASE, COULD YOU VISIT
MY HIGH-SCHOOL SCIENCE LAB

"AND CONVINCE
SOME GOVERNMENT AGENTS

MY BEST FRIEND
ISN'T AN ALIEN?"

[YAWNS]

OH, ANOTHER DAY,

ANOTHER PRIMITIVE
PLANET EVALUATED.

IF I KNEW IT WAS GOING
TO BE LIKE THIS,

I WOULD NEVER
HAVE SIGNED UP

TO JOIN THE SILBERKLITE
SPACE FLEET

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BETTER SEND MY INSTRUCTIONS
TO THE SPACE FLEET--

WHA--

HOLD IT
RIGHT THERE!

WELL, HUMAN,
SHOULD I MENTION

THAT MY SPECIES EVOLVED
OUT OF THE FETCHING INSTINCT

MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO?

NONE OF YOUR
DOUBLE-TALK, ALIEN!

YOU TRY TO SIGNAL
YOUR INVASION FLEET,

AND I'LL
KNOCK THAT THING
FROM YOUR HANDS.

INVASION FLEET?

HEAVENS, YOU HAVE ME
ALL WRONG!

WE HAVE NO DESIRE
TO CONQUER EARTH.

YOU SURE?

I AM COMMANDER SIRIUS.

I'VE BEEN SENT HERE
TO EVALUATE

WHETHER YOUR
CIVILIZATION IS WORTHY

OF JOINING THE SILBERKLITE
GALACTIC EMPIRE.

PHEW! YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT A RELIEF THAT IS!

I THOUGHT YOU
WERE AN ADVANCED SCOUT
FOR AN INVASION FLEET.

HEH HEH HEH! IT'S
A COMMON MISTAKE.

HAPPENS
ALL THE TIME.

WE'RE NOT
INVADING EARTH.

WHAT EXCITING TIMES.

SO WHEN ARE WE GONNA
JOIN THE GALACTIC EMPIRE?

SADLY, YOUR EARTH
CIVILIZATION

ISN'T REALLY
GALACTIC EMPIRE
MATERIAL.

WHICH IS WHY
I'M ORDERING

THE COMPLETE
THE DESTRUCTION
OF THE PLANET EARTH.

WHAT?!

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO
ORDER THE DESTRUCTION
OF EARTH?

HELLO.
COMMANDER SIRIUS
HERE.

PUT ME THROUGH TO
THE FLEET COMMANDER,
PLEASE.

[VOICE ON LINE]YES, I'LL WAIT.

YOUR EARTH
CIVILIZATION

IS TOO BORING TO BE
ALLOWED TO SURVIVE.

EVERYTHING HERE
IS SO MUCH ALIKE.

BORING ARE WE, HUH?

WELL, LET'S JUST SEE
HOW BORING THIS IS!

I'VE GOT TO GET BACK
TO THE HIGH SCHOOL

AND GET X AND Y
TO HELP ME.

YOU'RE ONLY DELAYING
THE INEVITABLE!

"JOIN THE SILBERKLITE
SPACE FLEET,"

THE RECRUITMENT
POSTER SAID.

"MEET EXCITING NEW RACES!"
YEAH, RIGHT!

UGH!

I NEED TO KNOW.

WHAT'S ARCHIE GOT
THAT MAKES WOMEN
THINK HE'S SO HOT?

WELL, HE HAS A SORT OF

SENSIBLE, DOWN-TO-EARTH
QUALITY ABOUT HIM.

HUH?
OHH!

NO TIME TO TALK!
EARTH ABOUT
TO BE DESTROYED!

I HAVE TO GET THIS
TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS

WHO ARE HOLDING JUGHEAD
IN DILTON'S LAB

BECAUSE THEY THINK
HE'S AN ALIEN

BEFORE THE REALALIEN
CATCHES ME!

[INHALES DEEPLY]

UH, BUT ARCHIE
ALSO HAS THIS WILD,

SPONTANEOUS,
UNEXPECTED
SIDE TO HIM.

I'LL NEVER
UNDERSTAND WOMEN.

ALL RIGHT,
ALIEN IMPOSTER,

TELL US ABOUT
THE WEAKNESS OF YOUR
INVASION FLEET.

AND THEN TELL US
YOUR SECRET

OF EATING SO MUCH
WITHOUT GAINING WEIGHT.

I'M JUST A GROWING BOY!

DID YOU FIND
THE REAL ALIEN?

YES! IT'S WORSE
THAN WE THOUGHT.

HE'S GOING TO ORDER
THE DESTRUCTION OF EARTH

WITH THIS DEVICE.

DID YOU REALLY
EXPECT TO FOOL US

WITH SUCH
AN OBVIOUS TRICK?

IT'S JUST AN ORDINARY
TELEVISION
REMOTE CONTROL.

THEN YOU WON'T MIND

GIVING IT BACK TO ME.

BUT WE THOUGHT
HE WAS THE ALIEN.

YES, THIS IS
COMMANDER SIRIUS.

COMMENCE THE DESTRUCTION
OF PLANET EARTH!

THERE GOES
THE PENSION PLAN.

OH, AND I'M STUCK
IN TOWN.

SEND SOMEONE
TO PICK ME UP

BEFORE YOU START
THE DESTRUCTION.

[VOICE ON COMMUNICATOR]

SO, MY RIDE'S COMING
IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

ANYTHING WORTH
SEEING OR DOING
IN RIVERDALE

BEFORE IT'S
DESTROYED FOREVER?

I KNOW THE BEST PLACE
TO SPEND OUR LAST
REMAINING MINUTES.

Sirius: THIS ISN'T
HALF-BAD.

IT TASTES LIKE
KLODERSNARK.

ENTRANCINGLY
DELICIOUS!

[BOTH CHOMPING]

IT DOES HAVE
A SATISFYING FLAVOR,
DOESN'T IT?

POP TATE, ANOTHER
ROUND OF BURGERS
FOR ME AND MY FRIEND!

YOU KIDS AND YOUR
HALLOWEEN COSTUMES.

THEY'RE GETTING MORE
AND MORE REALISTIC
EVERY YEAR!

THERE'S ONLY A FEW
MINUTES LEFT.

WE'VE GOT TO
CONVINCE HIM

NOT TO DESTROY
THE EARTH.

THE TIME FOR
TALK IS PAST.

T'S TIME TO KICK
ALIEN FANNY.

HUH?

HA HA HA!

AH, THE PERSONAL
SELF-PROTECTION
FORCE FIELD.

DON'T LEAVE HOME
WITHOUT IT.

[SPACESHIPS WHIRRING]

WELL,
HERE'S MY RIDE.

IT'S BEEN NICE
SHARING THESE

HAMBURGERS
WITH YOU, JUGHEAD.

ALWAYS GLAD TO PARTAKE
OF THE BUNS AND BEEF WITH.

THANKS
FOR NOT HOLDING

THE DESTRUCTION
OF YOUR PLANET
AGAINST ME.

YOU KNOW ME,
I HAVE A SORT OF

TAKE-LIFE-AS-IT-COMES-
TO-YOU PHILOSOPHY.

REFRESHING.

IF THERE WERE MORE
UNUSUAL PEOPLE LIKE
YOU ON THIS PLANET,

WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO
ANNIHILATE IT.

DON'T DO THIS.

YOU'LL BE DESTROYING
SHAKESPEARE'S SONNETS,

VAN GOGH'S
STARRY NIGHT,

BEETHOVEN'S
9th SYMPHONY.

SORRY, KID.

ALL THAT CULTURE
HAS TO COUNT FOR
SOMETHING.

HA! YOU HUMANS CAN'T EVEN
TELL A GOOD JOKE.

UM, I KNOW A GOOD JOKE.

NOT NOW, JUGHEAD.

THERE'S ONLY A FEW SECONDS
TO CONVINCE HIM

NOT TO DESTROY
THE EARTH.

HUH? OHH!

AHEM.

HOW MANY PANCAKES CAN YOU
FIT INTO A DOGHOUSE

IF YOUR MOTHER
IS A WASHING MACHINE

AND YOUR FATHER
IS A DRYER?

THE PLANET IS DOOMED!

NONE. DOGHOUSES
CAN'T FLY.

HEH HEH HEH.

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

DOGHOUSES CAN'T FLY!

WHOO! THAT HAS TO BE

THE FUNNIEST JOKE
I'VE HEARD IN OVER
12 KLUMPFRACKS.

YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?

HEH! OH,
COMMANDER SIRIUS HERE.

CALL OFF THE DESTRUCTION.

YOU CULTURE MAY NOT BE READY
TO JOIN THE GALACTIC EMPIRE,

BUT IF IT CAN PRODUCE

AN ORIGINAL COMIC GENIUS
LIKE JUGHEAD,

THERE MIGHT BE HOPE FOR IT
IN A 100,000 YEARS.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

YOUR JOKE SAVED
THE PLANET EARTH.

WHAT CAN I SAY, ARCH?

THE UNIVERSE
IS A MYSTERIOUS PLACE.

A TRULY
IMPRESSIVE DISPLAY

OF ANTI-GRAVITY
PRINCIPLES.

YOUR GOVERNMENT OWES YOU
A DEBT OF GRATITUDE,

AND WE PERSONALLY
OWE YOU AN APOLOGY

FOR INTERROGATING YOU
MERCILESSLY.

IRONICALLY,
THE STRANGE,
ECCENTRIC BEHAVIOR

THAT WE THOUGHT
WAS EVIDENCE OF
YOUR NON-HUMANNESS

WAS THE VERY THING
THAT SAVED HUMANITY.

WE'RE...ASHAMED.

FORGET IT. IT HAPPENS
TO ME ALL THE TIME.

Archie, voice over:
SO EVEN THOUGH
THERE WILL BE NO PARADES

OR MEDALS OR ANY
PUBLIC RECOGNITION
THAT HE SAVED EARTH,

IT DOESN'T SEEM
TO MATTER TO JUGHEAD.

I GUESS THAT'S ANOTHER WAY

HE'S DIFFERENT
FROM THE REST OF US.

AS FOR AGENTS X AND Y,

WE NEVER HEARD
FROM THEM AGAIN,

BUT EVERY SATURDAY,
POP TATE NOW RECEIVES

A GOVERNMENT CHECK
MATCHING THE EXACT AMOUNT

OF JUGHEAD'S WEEKLY TAB.

COINCIDENCE? I WOULDN'T
COUNT ON IT.

NOT IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED RIVERDALE.