Archer (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 8 - Danger Island: A Discovery - full transcript

The Band finally close on a discovery.

(FARTS) MALORY: Oh, for the...

That's disgusting.
(CHUCKLES) Me?

You're the one
that's covered in farts.

And why couldn't you
put on some clothes

before we left the
village? What, seriously?

You think I'd be caught
dead dressed like a Nazi?

Those old cannibal women
had washed and folded

your regular clothes.

Well, it's also hard to go back

after you taste the
freedom of the coconut.

PAM: Master coconut!
Nobody gets that!



You know what I don't get?

The fact that you're
not really a goddess?

I was gonna say fractions.

I was gonna say fractions.

I don't get why
she's even with us.

I'm here because...
Because I say so.

So end of story.

In return for which...

(QUIETLY) I split the
idol with you 50/50.

I... wait, no.

I-I'd split it with you 50/50.

It comes out the same.
Yeah, but... what, wait, what?

You, me and the
idol makes three.

What do you say?



Wait, what are they
saying? ARCHER: Nothing.

No, what are you talking about?

Nothing! Okay!

God! There are no gods!

Will you idiots hold it down?

(CREATURE SNARLING) (GASPS)

Mon dieu.

Jesus, loud much?

Are you trying to
attract apex predators?

Oh, please. I just wiped out

a literal goddamn boatload
of Nazi stormtroopers.

Doesn't get much
more apex than that.

(CHUCKLES MENACINGLY)

All right, Mr. Tough Guy.

You don't have to
chuckle menacingly.

What? I wasn't.

Holy shit, look! There it is.

(ALL GASPING, MUTTERING)

Okay, so, just so we're
all on the same page,

we're walking into
an active volcano.

(ALL MUTTER AGREEMENT)

NOAH: Well, that's
where the idol is, so...

I was double-checking, Noah!

(CHUCKLES, SIGHS)

I don't know why you
make me so furious.

For me, it's his face.

♪ ♪

(STRAINING, GRUNTING)

(SIGHS) Oh, come on.

Put your backs into it. (GRUNTS)

If I put my back in any more,

it's gonna come
gooshin' out my front.

Oui, c'est
impossible. I give up.

How French. You know...

So what? We just sit here

and wait for a clue
from a goddamn thrush?

(SCOFFS) Thrushes. Uh,
what are you talking about?

Like at the portal
of Erebor. Uh...

Jesus, dummy, in The Hobbit.

The what? Wait, what?

Seriously? Holy
shit, that's right.

He's been on this
crummy island four years,

so he's never
heard of The Hobbit.

Which, as we all know,

was published just
last year in 1937.

So, what is it? A
motion picture or...

(GROANS LOUDLY) Damn it, bird!

It's a book. It's the book.

It's got dwarves.
It's got goblins.

It's got wizards.
It's got, um...

Hobbits? Hobbits!

Huh. You guys don't
really strike me as readers,

especially of fantasy.

That's because
you're an asshole.

Might I make a suggestion?

I know what you're
gonna say, Mother,

but even if we had enough
people to act out the book,

we don't have time.

Yeah, it's long as shit. I
don't see that as a negative.

I don't know. All
those songs. Eh.

Well, as stupid as this is,

I was going to suggest
pulling on the door.

Goddamn it.

Mmm-hmm. Whoa!

Lucky guess.
Okay, let's see here.

(WINGS FLUTTERING)

Um...

(SCREAMING) Jesus Christ!

Noah! Yeah?

(CHUCKLES) You're
on point, buddy.

Wunderbar.

Those damn fools are going
to lead me straight to the idol.

(SNIFFS) And
themselves straight to hell.

(CACKLES)

NOAH: Are you crazy?

It's pitch black down there.

Noah, if I have
to ask you again,

it's gonna be in the form of
a shove. But... (GRUNTS)

What the...

No, no, no, no, no!

Noah, go open the door.

NOAH: How? I can't even
see my hand in front of my face.

ARCHER: Well, then I
guess you can't see my fists

swinging around like
a goddamn windmill

as I walk toward you,
so... (ARMS SWINGING)

(PUNCH LANDS) PAM: Ow!

ARCHER: Oh. PAM: Goddamn it!

ARCHER: Did I get you?
PAM: What do you think?

RAY: Seriously?
KRIEGER: God, moron.

ARCHER: Oh, come on.
I was trying to hit Noah.

MALORY: For the
love of God, will...

CHERYL: There is no...
Ow! (PUNCH LANDS)

MALORY: Now will
someone open the door?

CHERYL: Okay! God!

(FOOTSTEPS) (ROCK GRINDS)

(OOHING, GASPING)

I think the floor did that.

Well, it should
make this a lot easier.

What, a floor that when you
step on it, random shit happens?

Yeah, so I guess,
everybody, watch your step.

Uh, that's it?

Um... watch your
step and shut up?

Yeah. Thanks. Real mature.

Oh, and I guess
try not to bunch up.

Sauf toi Doudou,
reste a cote de moi.

Doudou? (GASPS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Doudou!

Oh, it's just like the ponies.

(LAUGHS) Oh, man!
That's hobbit as balls!

RAY: We must go back.
We cannot just leave Doudou.

ARCHER: Well, not to
split hairs, but he left us, so...

Jesus Christ! Oh, no. What?

Noah, what the shit was that?

Well, I'm not a volcanologist,
and glad of it, am I right?

But the Mua Mua were
always talking about how Tarako

was way overdue to erupt.

Bad news. Great.

Oh, how would a bunch
of cannibals know?

Oral tradition? And,
you know, technically,

now you're all cannibals,
so... I had one little kebab.

What were we supposed
to do, insult them?

Plus, I was pretty hungry.
Can we just pick a direction?

Well, they're
both pretty well lit.

I say we turn back. Quel choc.

Then go. Nobody's
stopping you. Fine.

Quoi?

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKS FRENCH) So left?

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Okay, and was it just me, or
when that big rumble happened

was everybody for a second
like, "Oh, my God, Smaug"?

Yes! Right? Who?

Oh, my God.
KRIEGER: It's like...

CHERYL: He's got
no frame of reference.

ARCHER: Smaug, dickhead!

The fire-breathing dragon
who lives under the mountain.

(LAUGHS)

(RUMBLING)

(GULPS, CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFS, SIGHS)

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

(RUMBLING) Whoa.

Goddamn it. (GASPING)

So, when you say
"way overdue..."

I don't know, ten years? 10,000?

So, either way,
probably not great.

Ugh, look.

PAM: It's a dead end.

Damn it, I said
we should go right.

No, you didn't.

Well? Okay, so
let's double back.

No, look, I think
there's a door here.

ALL: Where?

MALORY: And some
crazy cannibal cartoons.

(GASPS) Petroglyphs.

(GASPS) What do
they say? Um... uh...

Noah! Okay.

It says, "This is the temple
of the fire god Tarako,

"guarded by the tupua.

There's a powerful curse,"

which the Mua Mua already
told me about, so, uh...

(LAUGHS) That's pretty good.

What? What does it say?

Well, it's a pun, it makes a
play on the word for "curse,"

but also the word for "soup,"

but it's more like
a stew, I guess.

Like, uh... Oh.

We don't really have a
word for it in Engl... Ow!

We do have a
word for it! "Stew"!

Does it say how
to open the door?

Yeah, it says push. Idiot.

KRIEGER: Wait, so...

do we want to talk about
this curse, or... What?

(ALL OOHING, GASPING)

Huh. Well? Where's
the damn idol?

Um, Noah? I don't kn... Ow!

Then what the hell good are you?

I got us in the door, didn't I?

I think it's safe to assume
we would've tried pushing on it.

Maybe eventually, but...

No, no, it's got to be here.
Come on, help me look.

Okay. Okay, yeah.

All right.

Well, if you find a bar,

I'll take a Mai Tai,
hold the fruit juice.

What the... What?

Whoa! Look! Check it out!

Is it a bar? Why
would it be a bar?

Why wouldn't it?

This whole place is like
a prehistoric Trader Vic's.

Ooh, I think her
totem pole did it.

Uh, actually, totem
poles are indige... Ow!

Holy shit! Pam, sit on that one.

Reynaud, sit on yours!

Okay, uh, lady
whose life I ruined.

Oh, my God, I forgot
about that. (CHUCKLES)

It's working. Look at that.

Noah, Princess,
come on, go, go, go!

ARCHER: Holy shit.
It's a giant emerald.

(GASPING) (OVERLAPPING
EXCLAMATIONS)

Wait a minute, do
emeralds glow in the dark?

No, but uranium does.

What? Uranium?

Seriously? I bet uranium's worth
a jillion times more than emeralds.

Sterling, wait! What?

It's radioactive.

Oh, of course.

That's what the whole
"death soup" thing was about.

Goddamn it, Noah. Jesus, Noah!

The Mua Mua legend says
anybody who touches the idol

starts puking and shitting
blood and then, uh, melts.

Now you tell us?

Also, ew. Come to think of it,

I don't know how
anybody could've carved it.

Why would those cannibals
let us come all this way

to find the damn thing if
they knew it would kill us?

I really can't stress how
much they hate white people.

Even after we ate
Nazis together?

Oh, yeah. I bet they're laughing
their well-toned asses off.

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

Well, then they're
not really our friends.

Wow. Had to be said.

Okay, so how do
we get it out of here

without shitting
ourselves to death?

We can roll it. I don't know.

Lead! Uh, lead?

So stupid. Like when
you get an X-ray.

Hey that's right, lead's
a natural radiation shield.

Hey, he's right.

He's right? Yeah,
you heard the man.

Ugh!

So where are we going to find
enough lead in this place to wrap it up?

(GUN COCKS) (ALL GASP)

Perhaps I can help.

No, thank you.

Merde! (SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS) Ugh.

(LAUGHS)

We got company! Late. Stupid.

(GRUNTS) Hey, Fritz!

You got company.

(SIGHS) Goddamn it.

(LAUGHS)

You are powerless
against uber-Fuchs!

So, hey, after we
get out of here...

You think we're
gonna live through this?

(CHUCKLES) Why wouldn't we?

Reloading. Firing!

What the...

(LAUGHING)

Goddamn it!

It's not often you
find a primitive people

who understand the callback.

(GASPS) Oh, crap, I
got to rewrite my thesis.

Son of a... (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

(TRIGGER CLICKING) PAM: Ha-ha!

How do you like them apples?

(ALL GASPING) Shit!

Ow! I don't like
those apples at all!

Right? Could things
get any worse?

(RUMBLING) (GASPING)

Maybe I am a goddess.

Ow! MALORY: Thank you!

Was ist los?

Holy shit, look!

(ALL GASPING) PAM: Well, shit!

Check it out, lava.

Oh, I wonder if that's what the
petroglyphs meant by "death soup."

Oh, yeah, kinda makes sense.

I mean, if you think ab... Ow!

Guys, come on. That's
dangerous. (GASPS)

(LAUGHS) Yes,
fools, cower before me.

Just like the world will cower
before the German Reich

once we have the idol! Says who?

Says mein Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler!

The idol is pure uranium!

And with it, we will
construct a Wunderwaffe

with the power to
destroy entire cities!

Oh, typical. Of what?

I don't know, Nazis?

Oh, for the... Will
you do something?

Like what, play
"Dem Bones" at him?

Oh, great, now that's
stuck in my head.

(BOTH GASP)

(MANIACAL LAUGH)
(TRIGGER CLICKING)

Was ist...? Ugh!
Verdammt Scheidreck...

Look, he's empty,
too! Well, yeah, but...

(PANTING)

(GASPING) (ALARMED CRIES)

He's still a giant robot.

Seriously? Yeah. Look at him.

So, you're not
gonna do anything?

Well, I'm no good to us dead.

What good are you alive? (GASPS)

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Ja!

(LAUGHS)

And what do you
think you're doing?

I have company.

Goddamn it! Well...

(SCREAMS) (ALL
GASPING, EXCLAIMING)

Pam!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Hyah!

(ARCHER SCREAMS) OTHERS: No!

Sterling!

(STEADY METALLIC BANGING)

PAM: That was your plan?

It worked, didn't it? I mean...

Get off me, you fool!

Shut up! (GRUNTS)

Somebody do something.

I will go for help!

Merci, asshole!

REYNAUD: Not a problem.

(GASPS) Archer, it's too heavy.

I can't hang on!

(ALL GASP) ARCHER: Hang on!

No, that's what I'm saying.

I'm saying it like
"give me a second."

Yeah, I get that,
but... Jesus Christ,

will you shut up?
Nein, nein, nein!

What are you doing?

ARCHER: Sending you...

Sterling!

To hell! (GRUNTS)

(CYRIL SCREAMING)

Sterling! (ALL GASP)

Oh, for the love of God!

(GRUNTS) This
actually weighs the same.

I... realize that, idiot.

Oh, I'm the idiot?

I mean... What?
Wait. No, no, no.

Archer, no! Hang on.

Oh, hey, princess.

Listen... listen, if
we ever meet again...

Sterling, no! (ALL SHOUTING)

Please!

Just remember this.

We were this close to banging.

No, we weren't.

Yes, we... Whoa!

Sterling! Archer!

(SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLES)

This close.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(LIGHT CRACKLING SOFTLY)

♪ ♪

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

(CLANKING, HISSING)

(LIGHT BUZZING)

(CLICKING DRY
TONGUE) Ah. Ah, ah.

Oh, for the...
Come on, seriously?

What, you couldn't
find a snow globe?

MALORY: Oh, quit your bitching.

Good morning... Mother!

Shut up.

MAN: Made in Georgia.