Archer (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - Danger Island: Some Remarks on Cannibalism - full transcript

KING: Where in the...

No, I'm sure it was...

I swear, if that girl...

Lanaluakalani!

LANA: Yes, Father?

Come in here this very instant!

I tell you, this
is the last straw!

Pff. Do not "pff" me, woman!

(SCOFFS) That child
of yours has gone too far!

I tell you, this time, I
shall really punish her!

(LANA CLEARS THROAT)



You called, Father? Where is it?

Where is what? The
map... To the sacred tupua!

Tupua? Oka atua,

do not play dumb with me!

You know exactly what
I am talking about, child.

Now where is it?

I'm sure I don't know.

And why would anyone want a
map to some moldy old statue?

Because of its magical powers.

Oh, that's just a
silly native legend.

Do you even... We're natives!

You know what I mean.

I know what you think I mean.

I mean I... (GROANS SOFTLY)



You know what I think?

I think you made some sort
of deal with this ese mai fafo,

the German.

What? Yes.

And I think, in your
profound ignorance

of the awesome
power of the tupua,

you gave him the map! What?

In exchange for enough money
to go live among the papalangi

in New York City again
and open another...

What was it?

Failed art gallery? Oh, come on!

There was this little thing
called The Great Depression!

Well, and you don't
know anything about art.

I do so!

(CHUCKLING) Oh, please.

You thought the Dutch
Masters were just a kind of cigar.

(GASPS) I told you that
in confidence! (SCOFFS)

You have raised a fool!

Because the tupua is
a legend for a reason,

and you have no
idea of its power!

And once that German snake
finds it, he will be long gone,

so I hope at least he
paid you in advance!

(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.

Stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid!

Well, if that sneaky
little schnitzel thinks

he's gonna flimflam
Princess Lanaluakalani,

he has got another
thing... (GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

Are you out of your mind?

Sacrebleu! Oh!

(ALL GROANING)

What the hell is the
matter with you people?

Ow! Well, I, for
one, am starving,

so please tell me
you have oysters.

♪ ♪

(STEAM HISSING)

MALORY: Who the hell
taught you how to drive?

Me? Who the hell
taught him how to drive?

(CLEARS THROAT)
MALORY: Oh, for the...

And where the hell were
you going in such a hurry?

None of your beeswax.
Wait. Where were you going?

None of... We're
searching for a sacred idol.

What? Goddamn it!

No, you can't. I... Forbid it!

Excuse me? I forbid it.

As princess, I
forbid the looting

of Mitimotu's cultural artifacts
by you, you... Europeans!

(QUIETLY) Code for "white."

And what of it?

And what color are
your Germans, huh?

(GASPS) Damn it, the
Germans. (ENGINE STARTS)

Hey! Whoa, whoa,
whoa! Hey. Whoa, whoa.

Where do you think you're going?

To beat the Germans to the idol.

No, we are gonna
beat Archer to it.

Archer? Yes. So
get in line, sister.

Oh, I'm at the head of it.

Why you little... Do something!

I, uh... Commandeer
this vehicule!

(LAUGHS) You what?

(GASPS LOUDLY)

(MONKEYS HOOTING)

(MONKEY SCREAMING)

(CHEERING, LAUGHING) Woohoo!

All right! Enough fun.

Now back to business.

(LAUGHS) Ja, shooting
those damn cannibals.

Remember, you promised we could.

Don't worry, men.

We will kill anyone who dares
to interfere with our mission

to bring the ultimate
power to the Fatherland!

Yeah! (LAUGHING, CHEERING)

♪ It's a long way to Tipperary

♪ It's a long way to go... ♪

(MONKEY CHITTERING)

(CHITTERING SOFTLY)

(SCREAMING)

All right, already. Come on!
We don't need all this junk.

That crate is just gin.

And vermouth.
Now move it, big boy.

We can't let Sterling
beat us to that damn idol.

(SQUAWKS) (ALL GASP)

That won't be too
hard. Goddamn it, bird!

Because he's stuck in quicksand!

What? Where? Really?

Quicksand. Pam, too.

And I don't know how
much time they have left.

Before... They die!

Do you think it's enough
time for us to toodle on over,

grab the idol, and then
come back and save them?

No! Don't get
chippy with me, bird!

I'm with her. First
we secure the idol,

and then we can
rescue them. Exactly.

For the love of God, woman!
Your son... is going... to die!

Oh, all right.

Take us to the damn quicksand.

But I'll bet you dollars to
donuts, they've already escaped,

found the idol, and
are just yucking it up!

(PAM INHALES SHARPLY)

Don't! Don't say a word.

I'm mad enough at you as it is.

I was gonna say I wonder
what I'm gonna taste like.

(ARCHER GROANS)

(CHILDREN GIGGLING)

'Cause this whole crazy
thing's kind of got me thinking

about if I'd ever, you
know, like, eat a person.

And not in a
starvation-type deal,

like the Donner
Party or whatever.

That goes without saying.
(RHYTHMIC THWACKING)

Your fat white ass
is pioneer jerky.

I'm talking about where
you voluntarily eat a guy

like he's just damn
dinner. Or a woman.

Ooh, or a teenage girl.

But I wouldn't want
her to get killed

just so I could eat her,
so maybe... I don't know.

What if it was one of these native
girl's confirmation or whatever?

So she gets a ceremonial
bath, scrubbed head to toe,

and then her whole
body gets shaved.

Why... Shut up. Let me finish.

But then, on the
way to the ceremony,

this tender,
hairless young thing

has a massive yet
painless brain aneurysm

and falls into a vat
of braising liquid.

Why the hell would...
(MAN LAUGHS)

MAN: Wow! What the...

You just described,
almost word for word,

what's gonna happen to you
guys over the next two days.

I mean, is that goose
bumps or what?

Who... E-Except
for the aneurysm.

Who the hell are you? I'm Noah.

Besso ekla baht! (LAUGHS)

Ek eklan oki.

Wait, you speak their language?

Uh, yeah, I should hope so.

I mean, I've been here
almost four years now, so...

Four years?

So there's no way to escape?

Um... Well, I suppose, I...

Well, there's probably...

Oh, gosh. I mean...

I don't know. What do you mean

you don't know, idiot?
Haven't you even tried?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no, no,
no, no. I'm not their captive.

I'm doing my doctoral
dissertation on the Mua Mua.

I'm an anthropologist.

Wh... A spider scientist? What?

That's an arachnologist.

Like you would
know! No, no, it is.

An anthropologist...

I know what an
anthropologist is.

No, he doesn't. Nobody does!

An anthropologist
studies human beings

and their societies
and cultures.

The Mua Mua, for example...

Zakila gizona.

Ek ezan oki! (LAUGHTER)

Are assholes.

Yeah, right? So then
how 'bout it, man?

Help us escape. Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no,
no. I couldn't do that.

I-I'm here to document.
I can't interfere.

What? Even after they
ate your goddamn arm?

Oh. Yeah.

Man, that was really... Eggelak!

(LAUGHTER) Dongay emakume!

What is she saying?

(SIGHS) That I
taste like chicken.

Which, to them,
is, like, the worst.

(CONCH BLOWING)

What the... What's that?

Oh. Uh, okay. Uh,
well, I got to go.

Uh, maybe I'll see you
guys later or maybe not.

Okay, bye! Wait,

what was that? NOAH: Nothing!

I think it was something.

No shit. Yep.

Well, if we get out
of this alive somehow,

we should definitely
open a detective agency.

Ooh!

Aw, damn, but we're
not getting out alive, huh?

Nope. (SIGHS)

MALORY: Well?

Where the hell are they, bird?

I-I don't get it.

They were right here,
up to their necks in it!

I ought to wring your neck!

This was all just a ruse.

What? A ruse? Oh, come on.

A ruse? He set me up!

This mite-riddled
bird's just stalling us

so that Sterling can
get to the idol first.

Damn it, bird! No!

Whoa! First of all, I am...

Almost mite-free. And, B,

I swear, they were right here.

Oh, go eat worms.
Come on, Reynaud,

we can still beat
him if we hurry.

Look, there's boot prints
coming up out of the quicksand.

Really? Ah, yes!

(GASPS) And here's
another set of boot prints.

And over there, there...

There's all these different
sets of bare footprints.

Pretty muscular,
by the looks of them.

KRIEGER: Muscular? And here,

this trail is two barefoot men,

carrying a load between them,

probably on, like, a
pole or something.

See, they're,
like, six feet apart.

That's about the size
of a man. Or a party sub.

Look, can we just... Shut up!

Do you think it was...
Yes! It was clearly Archer.

And then here's
a trail of four men

carrying a much,
much heavier load.

Ooh, which I bet was Pam.

Mon dieu, can it
be les cannibales?

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Well, but since they're
out of the quicksand...

And about to be eaten!

We have to follow this
trail and rescue them.

LANA: No. No, no. Uh-uh.

As your princess, I
demand we get the idol first.

MALORY: As whose princess?

CHERYL: Yeah, right?
RAY: Exactement!

Et tu, Doudou?

So we're just
gonna go gallivanting

through this deadly jungle
because this dodo says

she can see a trail?

Do you seriously
not? It's so obvious.

MALORY: Then let's go.

Come on, Lady Baltimore.

CHERYL: Ew, look!
This guy has ringworm.

PAM: So, where do you
think everybody went?

Who knows?
Probably taking a vote

on what sides to
serve us with. Ooh...

But I'm not sticking
around to find out.

Well, unless you know
something I don't...

What, besides everything?

Oh, hardy-har. (LAUGHS)

Including, look, there's a
piece of, uh, whatchamacallit.

Ob-Obsidian.

So? So we can cut the ropes

with it, dummy.

If I can just scrooch
down the pole, I can...

Get a splinter in your
ass? I'm not gonna get a...

(GASPS)

Goddamn it. (LAUGHING)

We'll see how
funny... you think it is

when I leave you here.

(CHUCKLES) Oh...

Does that mean we're
not getting married?

You know, first
of all, that was...

I just wanted you to die happy.

Ha!

And, two, I'm about this close

to getting a new
goddamn sidekick.

How is this Crackers's fault?

Wha... Not Crackers! You.

You think I'm the sidekick?

Yes, Lennie! (GASPS)

Well?

Cut me loose.

I will, but only
because I choose to.

Well, bully for you.

And, while you're at it,

you can leave one hand
tied behind my back.

Why? So I can
whip your ass fairly.

Oh, my God, you
are such a Lennie.

Well, if we get
out of this bullshit...

If we do, it's only
because I unleashed

the power of obsidian.

You won't have old Pam to
kick around anymore because...

Shh. Stop. Stop
it. Stop cutting.

What? (CLEARS THROAT)

Is your dick hard?

No.

Then what... is
touching... my ass?

Also nothing. Oh, for the...

Ew!

No, no, no, no,
no, no. Wait. Dude,

that is a hard dick.

It's not that hard.

Oh, please.

I bet it hasn't been that hard

since the time the Army
checked you for a hernia.

I told you that in confidence.

Yeah, well, I ain't your priest.

(LAUGHING)

Speaking of hard dicks...

(GASPS) I also told
you that in confidence!

(LAUGHING)

ARCHER: Oh, don't flatter
yourself, it was just a reflex.

PAM: Uh-huh.

An involuntary
biological response

to physical and visual stimuli.

Well, then I hope
to God this helps.

Ka-kow.

(CHUCKLING)
Yeah, that's... wait.

What's the opposite
of stimuli? That.

It's not supposed to
be sexy, it's protective.

In case there's thorns.

(CHUCKLING)
Okay, Master Coconut.

Nobody gets that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you think you're doing?

Making pina coladas.

What the hell's it
look like we're doing?

I-I genuinely don't know.

We're escaping.

Wait, what? No. No, you can't.

I'll be punished.

Not if you're dead.

(CHUCKLING)
Well, you say that...

Hey, buddy, no
shit, she will kill you

like an innocent baby
rabbit. Goddamn it.

So what's the best
way out of here?

(CONCH BLOWING)

Well, that's the thing,
there isn't one now.

The conch is telling
the Mua Mua warriors

to prepare for battle.

What, why? Well, apparently,

a scout saw another
group of warriors

headed toward the village.

What other warriors?

I swear to God, if those
cannibals don't have a bar,

I may literally die.

Oh, my God, and an oyster bar.

I can pretty much guarantee

they don't have
either of those things.

(SIGHS) Savages.

ARCHER: Well, you
two idiots can stick around

to find out and then get eaten,

but I'm gonna go
find that goddamn idol.

Wait. What idol?

You mean the tupua?

Whatever it's called, I...

How do you know where it is?

We got a map.

Whoa. A secret
map, that is a secret.

(SCOFFS) Who's he
gonna tell? Oh, man.

The tupua would be the
greatest archaeological find

of the-the... well, probably
just the past couple of years,

but still.

Still what? You're not coming.

Oh, come on, I-I
know the jungle.

No. I-I can read

any native petroglyphs
we might find.

No, I said. I know how to
get past all the giant boulders

and poison darts and stuff.

The... do what, now?

Yeah, do huh?
(LAUGHING) Oh, man.

Yeah, the legends all
say the tupua is hidden

deep inside a labyrinth
of shafts and tunnels,

just packed with
deadly booby traps.

So... That's why you got
to know your petroglyphs.

Okay, change of plans,
you're coming with us.

Yeah!

Oh, wait, h-hang on. Hang on.

I-I don't, I don't have to
wear one of those, do I?

MALORY: And can we
stop and rest a while?

I think my electrolyte
levels are low.

(COUGHS) Gin levels. Also.

No, I think we're getting
close to a village or something.

Look, there's a ton of
footprints around here.

(ALL GASPING, MOANING)

Plus, this?

(SIGHS)

Well, as long as we're close.

Please, I can't leave
without my dissertation.

Yes, you can, now come
on. It's four years of writing.

Plus, I had to make the paper
from scratch. WOMAN: Ay!

ARCHER: Oh, shit! Kekkozat?

What, oh, no, shh. Kekkozat!

No. Shh. Punch her in the face.

What? Kekkozat!

Punch her in the face. Kekkozat!

I can't punch an
old lady in... ow!

Dongay ekakume!

Whoa.

Yeah, not cool. What?

But you just told
me to... Lakundu!

Lakundu! Lakundu!

(CONCH BLOWING)

(SHOUTING IN DISTANCE)
Now can we go, please?

But my dissertation...

actually had kind
of a weak premise.

Ketak.

Ketakalak. (YELLING)

Batu! Batu, batu!

(YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

Goddamn it! Eat
a dick, cannibals.

It's funny you say that.

Actually... It's a
figure of speech, Noah.

No, let him finish.

Oh, my God.

I was gonna say that
they don't eat the penis.

The testicles, though...

Nok geziak!

Lakana.

(YELLING)

(QUIETLY) In there.

CYRIL: Schmidt!

Was dauert so lange?

(LAUGHING) Weil
mein Schwanz so lang ist.

CYRIL: Nun beeile dich!

Ja, ja.

Komm runter, Junge.

(GRUNTS)

Seriously?

Scheisse. CYRIL: Was,

hast du auf deine Schue gepisst?

(DISTANT LAUGHTER)

CYRIL: Schmidt?

What the hell?
Why did you do that?

Guys? What? He was
gonna wipe them out.

Yeah, problem solved.

Guys. What?

(CLEARS THROAT)

He wants us to come with him.

Gee, thanks, Noah.

Oh, you're welcome.

CYRIL: Zwei Manner,
gehen und finden Schmidt.

Eh? Zakila koko?

He wants to know why you
stuffed your genitals into a coconut.

Because I hate
this goddamn island.

Zu laguna Mua Mua.

NOAH: Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

He says you saved their lives,

so now you're friends
of the Mua Mua.

Batu baruka zu zaku.

And that together, we
will kill these white devils.

Nik andu.

Uh, no offense.

None taken?

Teko besta.

And then, we'll
have a huge feast.

(GROANS) Ekari zim.

Oh, my gosh, really?

Wow. What?

Ah, well, he said
even I could come.

Do you not normally
go to the feasts?

Oh, no, no.

God, no. (LAUGHS)

They're... super racist.

Well, guess you can find out

what a human being
tastes like after all.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, man, and
this is probably gonna sound weird,

but I could kind of eat.

A person?

Not a whole person, asshole.

But maybe, like, a drumstick?

MAN: Made in Georgia.