Archer (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - Danger Island: Strange Doings in the Taboo Groves - full transcript

But there is no joy in Mudville- mighty Pam has struck out.




No. Nothing.

ARCHER: Flies like a dream.

Well, she did before you
crashed her into a goddamn street

anybody with the sense
God gave a goddamn duck

could tell was nowhere
near wide enough.

Ugh, ducks.

Don't start your
racist bullshit.

You know I'm right.
And I'm in no mood.

(QUIETLY) In some kind of mood.

Yeah, you want to guess


Like in general, or...

Bird. Sterling!

What? Sorry.

What can I do for you?

Well, you can start by
watching that tone, mister.

And then, you can tell me
why I'm looking at the package

you were supposed
to fly to Tahiti today.

ARCHER: Oh, did I not do that?

Do I need to remind you just
who exactly owns that flying crate?


So wherever you idiots are,

and whatever
idiocy you're up to...

(CHUCKLING): I don't think idiots

know how to find a
million dollar treasure.

A what?

What'd she say, what treasure?

What are you two up to?


Because you're both
company employees

using company resources on
company time, and so, legally,

anything of value, be it
monetary or otherwise,

that you may happen to
make, find, stumble upon,

or otherwise obt... (GUNSHOT)



I, uh, probably shouldn't
have said anything, huh?

Yeah, but was that necessary?

No, Crackers, it wasn't.

In fact, it was
wildly unnecessary.

Like radish roses, or
Pam running her fat mouth.

I like radish roses. Right?

Typical. Of what?

Of assholes.

Now get out your shitty map

and get us to that goddamn idol

so I can lie to my
mother about finding it,

and begin living a life of
luxury where she can't find me.

Okay. God.

And it's not a shitty map.

It'll take us right to the idol.

Just set old Lucy down
in Dead Man's Cove.

Seriously? What, did somebody
have dibs on Foreshadowing Lagoon?

Hmm. It doesn't say.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

want to reiterate

that I think it was a pretty
bad idea to shoot the radio.

PAM: Jesus, talk
about foreshadowing.

Yeah, or don't. In
fact, how about you two

don't talk about
any... (HOWLING)

What the hell was that?

Maybe howler monkeys?


Hopefully howler monkeys?

Yeah, except howler
monkeys only live

in Central and South America.

Not only. Monkeys
live everywhere.

No, they... Shut up.

One time, I saw
a monkey in a bar,

in Paris, France, Europe.

Wha... Dressed as
a teeny tiny waiter.

Well, then I obviously
stand corrected.


Yeah. Like an idiot.

MALORY: I'm sorry?

Hello. Breakfast?

Oh, do tell.

I will have a crispy
golden Belgian waffle,

drizzled with melted
Belgian chocolate,

with a side of Belgian endive.

And I feel like
I'd feel a lot better

if you were maybe
writing this down.

No need, that's just
The King Leopold.


That's, like, a dish you have?

Oh, sarcasm.

Well, then I'll just
have champagne.

Fresh out.

Can you check again?

Or, I could have
the Germans rip up

the walls and floors
helping you look?

What kind?

Mmm... Most expensive.

Speaking of which, has Sterling
mentioned anything to you

about coming into
some money, or, say...

(WHISPERS) Treasure?

Oh, you mean since the night
he defiled my young, supple body,

destroyed my marriage, and
sentenced me to a life of shame?

Or whenever.

And why the hell
are you in here?

Uh, breakfast? Not in here.

You're 86'd.

But I'm very hungry,

and for some verdammt
reason, Luigi is not open.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I also overheard you mention
something about hidden treasure?

Nope. And also, I could not help

but notice you have
there a map of the island?

Nope. And so,
naturally, I wonder

if you think there
is some treasure

hidden somewhere on the island.

Like in the book by
Robert Louis Stevenson?

(GASPS) Weir of Hermiston?

Wha... Nein, Treasure Island.

I don't know all his
goddamn books!

Move! MALORY: But what I know

is that unless you want
Manu to scramble your eggs...

Yeah, I would love
some scrambled...

Oh, I see.

You mean my testicles.

Schreckliche Stadt
zum Fruhstuck.

Well? Which way,
"insert obscure reference

to a famous cartographer"?

Ooh, Hendrik Hondius?

Sure. Pam?

I don't know who that is.

No. Which way?

Okay, so... Okay,
so, the thing is...

Give me that.

Oh, my God.

Is that shit?

PAM: What?

Ew! No, dumbass.

It's barbecue sauce.

Wha... Kansas City or Carolina?

What am I, an asshole?

Already established, and so,

what was already
the world's worst map

you somehow made
even worse by...

Wait, where'd you get barbecue?

What? I haven't had barbecue

since we left Spain, where
the hell did you get it?

Oh. Uh... Pam.

Look, it's not... Oh, my God.

Did you... Oh, no.

Eat a person?

What? No! Ew!

Then, where'd you get barbecue?

I didn't.

Then why'd you
have barbecue sauce?

(QUIETLY) I don't... I
mean, I've been drinking it.

What? Oh, for the...

As an aperitif. Happy?

Happy you drink barbecue sauce?

It's basically V8.

It's brown sugar and ketchup.

Goddamn it, which way, Pam?

That way.

You're sure?

Positive. (CHUCKLES)

Well, you totally sold that.

I'm gonna miss that
dopey confidence

once we find this damn
idol... (SCREAMING)

What the... Archer?

ARCHER: Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! Ugh!

(THUDS) Oh...

Archer? Be careful.

Thanks, dummy.

Eh. Oh, shit.

It's a big, steep-ass ravine.

Okay, I'm gonna
have to rappel down.

KRIEGER: Should I come with you?

Yeah. Or your
dumb ass could fly.

Oh, right.


Come on, you
got it, just hurry up.

Why, is he hurt?

No, but... Shut up.

Archer? You okay?

ARCHER: Uh, yeah, currently.


What do you mean, "currently"?


Holy shitsnacks.

Yeah. Quicksand!


And that's still going on.

Which... So great.

LANA: You cannot be serious.

Archer is out there
looking for the idol?

How does he even
know where to look?

Well, I have no way
to know this, but, uh...

But meanwhile,

instead of searching
the jungle for the idol,

your men are getting
drunk every night

and shtupping the
crazy coconut lady.

Yeah, they are
really mondsuchtig.


Moonstruck. Besotted.

I know what it means.

But I can't help wonder
if Japanese soldiers

wouldn't be much
more disciplined.

All right. I get your point.

I will find it.

Now, how about a little
fruhstuck, my little passion fruit?

Not until you pay
me for the idol.

Oh, but that makes
our relationship

sound so transactional.

It is transactional.

(SIGHS) I know,
but it hurts to hear it.

No idol, no money, no fruit.


CYRIL: (SIGHS) Deine Freizeit.

Ist kaputt!

Erste Sache, nicht
mehr mit deiser

Kokosnussfrau shtuppen!

Was willst du?

Uh, we were wondering if, perhaps,
as a group, we could speak English?

SOLDIERS: Yeah, English. Warum?

Well, as you call her,
this "crazy coconut lady,"

does not speak German, so
we would like to practice English.

Yeah. Why not?

(LAUGHS) Why, do
you think this woman

would ever marry one
of you dummkopfen?

I mean...

Fine. English, then.

We march today into the jungle,

where we will
search for and find,

something vital to the
future of our great fatherland.

But the jungle is very
dangerous, full of lizards

and snakes and cannibals
and what else, Gott wei?

Can we shoot the
lizards and snakes?

Yes, of course.

Can we shoot the cannibals?

You can shoot anything you want!

Now are there any
other questions?

That are not about
shooting things?

Then, let's go.

The American pilots may
have a head start on us.

They also may be
smarter than they look.

Because get the
hell off me, bird!

But I'm hugging
you, with my talons.

Why? 'Cause I'm here for you.

Well, "be here" somewhere else.

Yeesh. With friends like you.

Case in point, what'd
you mean when you said

you were gonna miss me
once we found the idol?

I... Can we talk
about this later?

No. Why'd you say you'd miss me?

I... Look, you're gonna miss me

if I drown in this
goddamn quicksand.

Yeah, try not to thrash
around, it makes you sink faster.

How would you
know? Cowboy movies.

Can you please just
get me out of here?

(LAUGHING) And how's
this even supposed to work?

Oh, my God, Elisha Otis,

you throw the rope
over that branch up there.

I catch the rope, I
hold onto the rope.

You hold on to
your end of the rope,

and then you pull me to safety.

But wait, I mean,
I can't pull you out

if you weigh more than I do.

(LAUGHS) Excuse me?

I mean, that's like

You think I weigh more than you.

(CHUCKLING) Uh, yeah.

You're a man.

Crackers? Nope.

Bird? (SIGHS)

Wait, what?

You think I weigh more than him?

I mean... (GASPS)

No, not in a...

Come on, you're
big-boned. And easily six five.

Now can you please use those big-ass
bones to get me out of this bullshit?

smart guys, I'll bet you.


50 bucks says Archer's heavier.

(LAUGHS) Make it a hundred.

You're on. Well, but
there's his actual weight,

plus you also have to
overcome the suction power

of the quicksand, and I
don't know if that's expressed

in foot-pounds, or
newton meters, or...

I don't care if it's in ergs.

It's not. She still
weighs more than me.

Then, let's make it 200.

Bring it. (GRUNTS)

The real problem here,
though, isn't which one of you

weighs more, it's your combined
weights in relation to the...

Whoa! Oh, no, no, no. Ow!

Oh! Ooh! W-Whoa.


Yeah, I was gonna
say the branch.


I mean, first Pam
mentions treasure

and then that sneaky
little kraut gets all flustered,

like he's heard of the treasure?

What if there's actually
treasure on the island?

it is a good story.

I mean, it is no Weir
of Hermiston, but...

Oh, shut up. What about him?

He's not read it.

No. Ask him about the treasure.

Like if there's a native
legend or something.


(GASPS) He says yes.

Where? Ask him where.

Ou, Doudou, ou?

He says somewhere
in this area here,

close to La Crique
de l'Homme Mort.

It means Dead Man's Cove.

(SNICKERS) "Dead Man's Cove"?

What, did somebody already
have dibs on Harbinger Harbor?

He say he don't know.

Because why'd you
say you'd miss me

once we found the goddamn idol?

Oh, my God. Well?

I... wait. Crackers.

If I can tie the rope
around this heavy branch,

can you fly it up into
the notch of that tree

and kind of wedge it in there?

(LAUGHING) I don't know.
Can you bench-press a train?

(MOCKING) I don't know.
Can you bench-press a train?

Hey, but what I could do is
use the radio in the plane to...

Wait for it... (HOWLING)

You know... I could fly
back to town and get help.

I'm sure your
mother would... No.

All Mother cares about
is getting her Manu-hooks

into whatever money the idol's
worth thanks to Pam, so no.

Nobody's going anywhere.

Certainly not you two.

Will you shut up
and let me think?

Why'd you say
you'd miss me if you...

Goddamn it! Because!

Pam! I'm currently up
to my ears in quicksand!

And before that, I
flew here in a plane

made out of literal
garbage, and before that,

my eyeball got shot out
in Spain, and before that,

I went bust on those
goddamn chinchilladas.

And the common
denominator in every bad thing

that's ever happened
to me is you!

And you know why?

Because the only two kinds of
luck you have are bad and none

because you are a jinx!

And that idol is my
ticket out of Loserville,

population you!


Goddamn, dude.

Shut up, bird!

And as for you...

Hey. Hey, come on.

Knock it off. I-I-I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.
I-I just meant...

Ow! What the...


So great.



What the hell are
you doing over there?

Waiting for your pitch?

I'm doing the best I can.

Which I'm sure isn't
good enough for you

because apparently, it never
is, but don't worry. (GRUNTS)

If we get out of here
alive... (GRUNTS)

You and me are
quitsies. (GRUNTS)

Well, that suits me just fine.

Ow! Well, it's been not
so nice knowing you.

Guys, come on,
you're talking crazy.

Well, why should I
stick around somebody

who doesn't appreciate me?

No, about getting
out of here alive.

Uh, I've been in tougher
scrapes than... Ow!

He's right. We can't do
this forever. (GRUNTS)


CYRIL: That is very strange.

It sounds like howler monkeys,

but they are not
indigenous to the Pacific.

(GROANS) Yes, damn it,
you can shoot the monkeys!

Then what? What
was your question?

Sorry. I was just going to ask
if we can shoot the monkeys.

What? He just said that.

Ah, I know, but I was going
to ask it before he said that

and then he asked me
what my question was and...

Any other questions?

Well, then what
would you suggest?

That I fly back to
town for help. No!

What? What do you mean, "no"?

You go back for help,
Mother's gonna find out,

get her nosy beak all up in it
and the next thing you know,

she tricks us out of our
million dollar treasure. What?

Wait. So, you'd rather just die?

Than to see her spending
my fortune on boy toys

and artisanal gin? Ow!

Oh, my God. Well?

I'm going for help. No!

Yes! No!

Yep. Yep, yep, yep.
Goddamn it, Crackers.

And you get the
bird, by the way.

Who says I want him?
KRIEGER: I can still hear you.

BOTH: Shut up,
bird! KRIEGER: Eh.

MALORY: Excuse me?

I said I'm going with you

to look for hidden
treasure or whatever.

Have you lost your mind?

I think maybe I have, yeah,
because if you leave me here,

I am gonna burn down
your goddamn hotel!

You can't! Arrest her.

Oh, no. Never again.

I say bring her along.

With any luck, she will be torn
apart and eaten by wild animals.



Aw, shit.

Oh, for... Way to go, idiot.

How is that my fault? Ow.

How is everything
your fault? Ow!

Exactly. Wait, what?

You're the one who's
always shooting off his...

Hey, wait. Where's your gun?

Why? You need something
that's full of goddamn quicksand?

You can at least
show it to them.

What good would
that possibly do?

I don't know. It
might scare them off.

They don't know
what a gun is. Ow!

You don't know that.

For all you know, they broke
out of some top secret lab.

They might be super intelligent.

Do they look super intelligent?

PAM: Oh.

(SCOFFS) Who among us... Ow!

Come on. Show them the heater.

(SIGHS) But only
because this is the last time

I do one of your stupid ideas.

There. Happy?


What the...

(HOWLING) Holy shit.

They're running away. See?

It wasn't because of the gun.

Yeah. I mean, maybe they were
just as sick of your bullshit as I am.

sound very excited, no?

(CHUCKLES) Must be
with the crazy coconut lady.

(SHOUTS) RAY: Doudou!

Idiot, regards la route!

Oh, my God, and if you see
any oysters, we have to stop.

I am starving.

Wh... Where the hell
would we see oysters?


Oh, whatever. Then tell me.

Tell me one time
us being partners

got us out of a bad situation
instead of deeper in it.

(SOBS) Oh, great.

Maybe you could float us out.

I'm sorry.

It just hurts to hear your
best friend in the whole world

say it's just been a
big fat waste of time

(SOBBING) and he'd be better
off if he never even met you,

even after you gave him
the best years of your life

and you got nothing...
Nothing to show for it

except for half an old
magical bird! (SOBS)


Well, how else
can you explain it?

That's not normal bird behavior.

He's a parrot.

(CRYING) Still, though.

Well, but, come on, the
best years of your life?

I mean, it's not like
we were a couple.

No. I was never a
couple with anybody

because I put everything into us

and I have nothing, Archer!


Well, Jesus Christ, what
am I supposed to do, Pam?

Ask you to marry me?

Wait, what?

What? (GASPS)

Are you... Oh, no, no, no.

No, I... Oh-ho! I get it!

You'd have to be some
kind of giant flapping asshole

to ask that big dumb
Pam Poovey to marry you!

(SOBS) No, come
on. You're a great gal.

You're smart. You're funny.

Any guy would be
lucky to have you.

(SOBBING) You didn't say pretty.

In your own way you are,

if you'd ever put on
some makeup or a dress.

And I mean, I assume you've got

a pretty colossal
set of tits under there.

They are. They are
goddamn colossal.

And we are best friends.

You're actually the only
person I don't hate to be around.

I guess we do kind of
make a pretty great team.


What are you...
What are you saying?

I-I mean... I-I don't know.

If-if I did ask you to
marry me someday,

wh-wh-what would you say?



(LAUGHING) Oh, my God.

You goddamn idiot. Okay.

I can't believe I
got you to say that.

That is the dumbest idea
I've ever heard in my life.

I mean, that idea sucks. Okay!

That idea would suck
a dick just to cut in line

to suck a bigger
dick. Okay, Pam.

(LAUGHING) Oh, man.

you. I needed that.

Yeah, well, you
know what I need?


Oh, my God, it's up to my mouth.

W-Wait. Why isn't
it up to your mouth?

What? The quicksand.

Why aren't you sinking?

I can touch.

What? My feet are
touching the bottom.

Then why didn't
you just walk out?

Well, I was going to,
then you started blubbering

about how you wanted to
get married and shit and...

Get your big ass out of
this goddamn quicksand

and then get my ass out!

Okay, geez. Lighten
up already. Hurry up!

You can't go through life
pissed off all the damn time.

It'll give you ball cancer.

I had an uncle once, Norm,
always pissed off and... Whoops!



What happened to Norm?

Let me guess.

Did you annoy him to death?

MAN: Made in Georgia.