Archer (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 4 - Archer Dreamland: Ladyfingers - full transcript

Archer must convince the Vander Tunts that Charlotte has been kidnapped. Krieger reveals too much about his past.



So, uh, what are we doing?
Are we just--

Do you not see
the phone to my ear?

I-- I do, but--

I said, I--
You think this is some sort of joke?

Maybe the one about the
interrup...ting cow? Moo!

Shut up. Look, I--

Listen, you had just
better put Mr. Vandertunt

on the line this instant!

Well, then, go find him.

Oh. Well, then--

Hello? Ass!
Apparently that was your brother.


[growls loudly]

And let me guess--

Let me guess!

He said he didn't believe
that I'd been kidnapped. - Yes, he--

Has this happened before?

No. I don't know.

Well, he--
Hey, do you need me for this?

Yes! Because I've been awake
for, like, three days.

Your point being?
I desperately need sleep?

You can sleep when you're dead.
It may literally come to that.

Because Len Trexler is going to be
left holding a very empty bag on this.

And to make that happen, I need you
to drive out to Vandertunt Castle

and convince the old man I'll mail
her home in several different boxes.

But not really,

though, right?


[yawns] I can't drive

way the hell out there
without some sleep. I--

I have Dexedrine.

Ah, and the universe provides.
[pills rattle]

Okay, so, once I'm out
there, [pills crunching]

how am I supposed to convince
Vandertunt you're serious?

Take him a finger.

But not one of mine, though, right?


I'm not taking him
anybody's finger.

I'm just trying to save you a trip.

I mean, you don't want to drive all the
way out there just to have him say,

"On second thought, to make this
happen, we're going to need a finger."

Nobody has ever said, "To make this
happen, we're going to need a finger."

Oh, you'd be surprised.


The last thing I wanted to get mixed up in

a kidnapping, even one as phony
as a three-dollar bill.

Because doing a stretch in jail
would be the least of my worries.

Vandertunts have enough juice
in this town to make sure

I never even see
the inside of a cell.

So I am not
looking forward to this.

Plus I bet
that creepy old joint's

as haunted
as Mrs. Muir's twat.

I know, right?

Oh, also, when I said I'd take
you to the bus station...

[tires screeching]
[man yells]


Typical Archer.

Figures he'd be a goddamn slob.

Uh, I think maybe
somebody tossed the place?

Oh. Yeah. Maybe.

Wonder what they were after.

Who knows? Maybe some poor
dumb bastard broke in here

to steal back the photos
of his cheatin' wife gettin'...

[clears throat]

I was gonna say "flap-hammered."

Why do you constantly
bring that up?

What, Archer hammering your wife?

In her flaps?

[muffled audible
shrug] [sighs] Okay.

Well, we're not gonna
find any clues to lead us

to Charlotte Vandertunt
in this dump, so let's--

Yeah. There's no telling
where she is.

[mock gasp] And if we
don't know where she is?

It's... frustrating?

No. Then nobody
knows where she is.

Including her father!

Which means we can just tell him

we kidnapped her, collect the ransom
ourselves, and then pay off Trexler!

Ohh. Okay. Yeah.

But on some level, it's also
gotta be pretty frustrating.

Not as frustrating as you!

In the meantime, she was at Dreamland
with Archer the other night.

[line ringing] So go snoop around,
see if you turn up anything.

[chuckling] Besides a
cold brewski, am I right?

Hello? Yes,
Vandertunt Castle, please.

Damn it, I don't care if the number's
unlisted! This is a police emergency!

Thank you.

That worked?
Why are you still here?

Yes, hello.
This is, uh--

[clears throat]
uh, ze kidnapperz.

[wheezy, gravelly voice]
Please hold the wire.

I apologize for the heat. It's
positively tropical in here.

But that's how Father
prefers it.

Can he hear us?

Oh, yes.
He's just being rude.

[loudly] Father, say hello
to Charlotte's kidnapper.

No, no--
I-I-I didn't kidnap her.

I'm just sort of
a go-between.

A fine distinction,
legally speaking.

I know, but look, I'm just trying
to make sure she gets home safely.

In exchange
for one million dollars.

According to the person, or persons,
who asked me to deliver the message.

Whom I'm sure
she's boring senseless

with her constant raving
about incest.

Uh, I wouldn't know about that.
Oh, it's when, uh--

I know what it is. [quietly]
Did you know it's forbidden?

Everybody knows it's forbidden.

Oh, you'd be surpri--
Yes, Pelham?

[wheezy, gravelly whispering]
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ohh. Mm-hmm!

Yes, I think a finger
should suffice.

Oh, is he taking drink orders? 'Cause I could
go for a couple of fingers of Old Buncombe.

Like, a whole handful.
At 7:00 a.m., you care for bourbon.

Very well.

Finish your call, Pelham,
and then Mr. Archer needs a drink.

I hate to say "need."


Pelham has had the most
interesting telephone call.

Tell me, Mr. Archer,
does, or do,

your person, or persons, possess
an accent vaguely Germanic?

That's pretty confusing, but no.

Most confusing, yes,
because such a person

is on the telephone just now,
claiming that he is the kidnapper.

"He"? I mean, what?
Th-That's impossible.

Yes, even Charlotte
isn't stupid enough

to get herself kidnapped by two
different kidnappers at once.

Which means one of you is lying.

So I'm afraid I shall have to ask for
proof you actually have Charlotte.

What kind of-- Wait.
Oh, no.

Yes. I'm afraid
I require... a finger.

I-I could bring you her. Just drive
by the house. She can wave to you.

Mmmmmmmmmmm, no.

I-- That's-- - Then how about a photo
of her holding today's newspaper?

Mmmm, well, now, that could work.
Yeah, it's--

Just make sure
that she's holding the newspaper
with nine fingers.

Aw, goddamn it.

Well, actually seven.

You know,
not counting her thumbs.

And then, obviously,
bring me her severed finger

and the photograph
so that I may compare the two.

Yeah. Um, obviously.

Father, say good-bye to
Charlotte's ostensible kidnapper!

[sighs] So I guess that's
a no on the bourbon?

Yes. Good-bye.

[sighs] Where the hell am I
supposed to find a finger?

Hello? Hello?

Hey, listen to me.
Whoever you are,

and whatever this whole
thing is, I don't want it.

Well, I'm very sorry
to hear that.

Well, too bad, because--
Because you're getting it,

whether you want it or not.

So, let's get to it, shall we?

No. Look-- Look, listen.

I didn't know, okay?

I thought
this was gonna be, like,

some pull-on fake feet, man,
not-- not--

Oh, sweet Jesus Lord God Christ,
not some freaky metal robot legs!

That'll do, Schnuckiputzi.

[meows] And also, it's
not just the legs.

No, you crazy Kraut bastard, I don't
want any part of those parts!

But your employer, Mr. Trexler, does.
It's not his body!

Look, I'm just following orders.

What? That's what
the Nazis said!

Okay, yeah, tell me about Nazis.


What is taking so long?

[speaking German]


I said, that will do!




Mm. What a load of shit.

I should be looking
for my partner's killer,

but instead I'm looking
for a damn finger.

[tires screeching]

[gulps, belches]

[hot dog thuds]

[Poovey grunts]
[body thuds]

[body being dragged]

♪ [Krieger humming]

[sawing stops]
♪ [humming stops]

[sawing resumes]
♪ [humming resumes]


[speaking German]

[air-raid siren in distance]




I hate to say I told you so.
Do you?

No. It's one of the few
great pleasures in life.

Hang on. Do you live in here?
No, you ass!

I live in the ten-room
penthouse apartment upstairs.

You don't happen to have

a bunch of surplus fingers
up there, do ya?

What do you think?


If you need a finger,
just take one.

But-- No, I'm not
cutting off her...

[snoring loudly]

Man, that septum
is deviated, huh?

That's not her.

[Archer] Poovey?

Tried to break into the club
first thing this morning.

I assume looking for
Drooling Beauty over there.

Yeah, you really threw a monkey
wrench into Figgis' plan.

His plan?
Yeah, to ransom her off.

Wh-- To pay back Trexler.

For what?
What are you--

For the sex slaves
Trexler was gonna--

Oh, I get it!

Do you?
You're saying this is all my fault.

Isn't it?
I-- Look, this whole fiasco started

because I came to you for help!

Whose fault is that?

Son of a-- That is so--

So now I gotta go
find a goddamn finger?

And if I were you, I'd take one
of her rings to put on it.

They say the devil's
in the details.

And silk pajamas.

Get up, you lummox!

Wuzza-- What the--

Get up, dummy.
We gotta go.

You better pray to God
it wasn't you who hit me,

because whoever it was...

hits like a weak
little bitch of a girl,

who was born with some kind of
little bitch of a birth defect,

so that instead of a fist, she just
has this tiny little bitch of a...


And I guess I'll drive, since
you clearly have a concussion.

Yeah, not feeling great.

[smacking lips]


You know you're killing me, right?

are you talking to me, or just
meat-stuffed intestines in general?

Figgis is counting
on that ransom money.

I can't double-cross him again.
Why not?

Because if he finds out, somebody's
gonna find me in a hole in the desert.

[laughs] No, they're not.

Look, it's your own fault for doing
right by all those Chinese broads.

Talk about no good deed.
It was a good deed.

And now I need you to help
me do another good deed.

Defraud an old man
out of a million dollars
using a severed human finger.

And reunite a family.

Of daughter
and sister-bangers.

Alleged daughter
and sister-bangers.


Well, let's go to the morgue.

That's the spirit.

[hot dog thuds]
[tires screeching]


Excuse me?

I said,
I'm looking for a corpse.

White, female, mid-30s, fresh,
within, say, the last 12 hours.

Jesus Christ, every full moon.

Beat it, ya sicko,
before I call the cops.

I am the cops, asshole!
I'm working a missing persons!

Well, maybe lead with that, huh?

Just buzz me in, ya hump.
[door buzzing]

[gulps, belches]
[Archer] Jesus Christ.

What is it, National Hot Dog Day?

There isn't one.

Can you...
Oh, right. LAPD. We're looking for a--

Missing persons, yeah.
White female, 30s, brand-newly deceased.

Your jerk-off partner's
already back there.

Our what?

Eyeglasses, dark hair,
gray at the temples,

mouth like somebody used a tomato
capper to scoop out a pig's asshole

and glued it under his nose?

Aw, shit!
[door buzzing]

Are you nuts?

Do you wanna get caught?
We're not gonna get caught.

Now shut up, put these on,
and follow my lead.

Aw, jeez.
He's really doing it.

Sorry, lady.

But if you think about it,
which I guess you can't,

this whole thing
is Archer's fault, so...

[muffled gag]
[whispering] Will you get in position?!

Okay! Jesus!

Okay. Jesus.

On one, two...


[disgusted groaning]

[Archer, in English accent] Great Scott!

Don't you move, you sick bugger!

No-- No, no-- This-- This
isn't-- I-I can explain.

You're damn right you will--
to the bobbies!

By which I mean the police!

I am the police.


Well, whaaa--

Holy shit!
I can't believe I did that!

I can't believe
it took you so damn long.

What, are you hourly?

[muffled] No.

Where the hell did you get that?

It was just sitting there.

That could've been
inside somebody.

[muffled grunting]

[gulps, sighs]

Well, it is now.


Anything, whatever, a little box.

[Poovey] Aren't we supposed
to put it in milk?

But-- That's for a tooth, dummy,

if you're gonna put it
back in somebody.

Yeah, that makes more sense.
Now, what are we gonna do about him?

[chuckles] I actually have
some thoughts on that.

He'll freeze to death in there!

No, he won't.
I'll call them in, like, half an hour.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Strip him.

Really wish we hadn't
have done that.

I can never unsee him naked.

I mean, the size of that thing.

Hollow that big bastard out, you
could use it for an umbrella stand.


Goddamn it!

[Cecil] Oh, I suppose
I'm just surprised.

Why? You said
you wanted her finger,

so, you know, here's her finger.

It's really in there?
See for yourself.

Mmmmmmmmmm, no.

I'm sorry?

I trust you. Unless...

Father, do you wanna see

Charlotte's ostensible
severed finger?

No. We're good.

Are you--
This could be anything!

It could be a piece
of a hot dog!

Don't you start!

You say it's her finger,
I take you at your word.

And I assume you'll be in touch
shortly with complicated instructions

for the exchange of the ransom
money for my horrible sister?

I mean...


Then it's all settled.
Yeah. Uh, I guess.

I'll expect the ransom within 24
hours, so you'll see to that.

But-- And then you're gonna help me
find my partner's killer, right?

All in good time,
Mr. Archer.

[Charlotte inhales deeply]


Is it just me...

or does it smell like finger?

[device ratcheting]
[vital signs monitor beeping]

Almost there.

So close.

[distant explosions]

[speaking German]





[both gasp]

[weapons cocking]





[general, men]

[barking, growling]
[shouting in German]

[men yelling, screaming]

[screaming continues]
[growling continues]

[meows, purrs]


[explosions grow closer]

[explosions continue]

[dogs growling, snarling]
[nurse screaming]

[clicking tongue]


[purring] Yeah, you're
just a widdle whore

for the cuddles, huh?

Okay, I gotta get some sleep.

You be a good girl.
Who's a good girl?

Yeah, you're a good girl.



[whirring, clicking]

[maniacal laughter]