Archer (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 6 - Bel Panto: Part II - full transcript

A hostage negotiation spirals out of control when Archer and Lana go missing.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[phone ringing]

♪ ♪

[phone continues ringing]

So you want me to answer that or...?

No, I'll get it.

It was probably the cops again.

Really? You think so?

- [radio chatter]
- [Boingo] I do.

My plan is in shambles!

[Shapiro] So, hey, listen...


I know, right?

He just soaks me.

Maybe we should... Y-You know,

you should cut your
losses and surrender.

I mean, you haven't really hurt anybody.

No, not yet, Mr.... Shapiro, was it?

So glad you could rejoin
us. Take him somewhere.

Maybe there's a workshop with
pliers, a car battery...

[Shapiro whimpers]

And find out where Veronica Deane
is with that damn necklace!

Well, she's not in the basement.

- Or in the attic.
- Or in the refrigerator.

Why would she be in the refrigerator?

I don't know. You said look everywhere.

- Yeah, he's right. You did.
- That does sound like you.

Come on, ya rat shyster. Move it.

But I don't know where she... [grunts]

- Come on!
- I'm sorry. How rude of me.

Would anyone else like
to join Mr. Shapiro?

[overlapping responses]

But I would like to call my babysitter.

- Too bad!
- Could we at least use the bathroom?

[overlapping pleading]

You just went!

That was, like, four hours ago!

No, it was...

[frustrated yell]

Oh, my God!

I'm so turned on, I think
I'm actually getting dehydrated.

When this is over, remind
me to kick your tits off.


[sighs] Split them up, men and women.

All right. You have five minutes.

Mr. Nurple and Mr.
Giggles will escort you.

And so help me God, if
you people try anything...

Uh, yeah. Uh, then
what do you want us to do?

Wh... Reprisals!

Swift and brutal reprisals!

That was clearly implied!

Where are you, Veronica Deane?

And where the hell is Pinky Brewster?

[Archer] So, good news and bad news.

Bad news is, the doors and windows
are hermetically sealed,

there's six gunmen out
there whose leader is insane,

a jumpy SWAT team dying
to go full-on Attica,

and a room full of
hostages, one of whom...

which I guess shouldn't surprise me,

but somehow still
does... has coulrophilia.

- Cool what?
- Coulrophilia. Apparently,

it's a sexual attraction to clowns.

Good news is, I got you the
last slice of pepperoni and mushroom.

That's the good news.

I mean...


♪ ♪

[police radio chatter]

Okay, so the doors and
windows are sealed.

You got six or seven of these mopes

in there, dressed as clowns.

And they let most of the hostages go.

But so far, they've made no demands.

I mean, just pizza, but...

And you were in charge here?

Yeah, I... Wait. What
do you mean "were"?

It's the past tense of "are."

Yeah. You're relieved,
gnome-nuts. Gimme that.

- Yeah, or I could hold it, or...
- I'm sorry. Who are you guys?

The guys who
haven't been standing around

all night with
their dicks in their hands

while a simple hostage negotiation

spirals into a televised cluster-fluck.

- Phone. Let's go.
- Well, we just tried to call them,

- but then we heard a gunshot, so...
- Gimme that.

Or I could hold that one, maybe.

Now, if you think you're up to the task,

- go negotiate us some coffee.
- [line ringing]

And while you're at it, negotiate

my coffee as a cold-brew, iced!

It's got, like, a third of the acid,

which is easier on Mr. Tum-Tums.

[Rompers] Now, you listen to me, pig!

If I want to talk, I will call you.

In the meantime, every
time the phone rings,

I will execute a hostage and shove

their limp and bloody corpse

off the roof, on live television!

Is that clear?

- Yep.
- [dial tone]

Well, how'd it go?

- Not great!
- [feedback]

- Well, how'd it go?
- [groans] Not great.

- Not you!
- Not great, though.

- Yeah, we kicked the shit out of him.
- So embarrassing.

So, pretty sure he honestly has

no idea where Veronica Deane is.

I hate to say it, but I believe you.

Shame it took us an
entire spleen to get here.

- Shut up. Do you think emeralds melt?
- Why?

Because I'm about to burn this damn

house down and sift through the ashes.

So, please, can you just go
find us a way out of here?

Don't worry. I'm gonna get

you out, one way or another.

In the meantime, maybe I should
hold on to the Tsarina.


In case those assholes find you in here.

It's our only bargaining chip.

All right. But please hurry.

I... I really need to use the restroom.

Yeah. Sorry. I've been giving
that some thought,

- and if I were you...
- Yes?

- Desk drawer.
- Ugh!

- [toilet flushing]
- [Krieger] Oh, my God!

- [zipper zips up]
- I hope you're not on septic.

Ugh! Have you no decency, man?

We said only number ones, Krieger!

- I never agreed to that.
- Yes, you absolutely did!

- Well?
- Well, what?

Well, what's the plan? To escape!

Impossible! Unless we can override

the controls for these panic doors.

Which... Why do you even have those?

Well, I've made a lot of
enemies in this town.

But I think we should do what
these people say. They're unhinged.

If we try to escape, they'll kill us.

- Yeah. Plus, let Archer handle it.
- Wait. Let who?

Archer, one of my detectives. He's...

He's probably sneaking
around out there, as we speak,

snapping necks and
cramming ears full of ice picks.

- [toilet flushing]
- [Lana] Oh, please!

The only thing Archer's cramming
is a very average-sized dick

into Veronica Deane's very old twatch.

What are you talking about?

He was totally making
out with her, Malory,

in front of God and everybody!

- Oh. Well, even if he was...
- Which he was!

I'm sure it was only because you were

throwing yourself at Ellis Crane.


Suck it, Bechdel Test.

You suck it, missy! And even though

you were flirting with Crane

- like a D-girl wannabe...
- What?

You know Sterling is somewhere in this

house, risking his life to save ours.

In fact, I bet he's
already taken out a clown,

put on his clothes and
mask, and infiltrated the enemy.

- [all gasp]
- Five minutes is up. Let's go!

- Oh, for God's sake!
- Ugh, wasn't done!

Hmm? Infiltrated the enemy, huh?

The what?

Enema! Just talking about
enemas, and, uh,

how clean and fresh they make you feel.

I mean, not you, per se, but people,

ya know, in general, I guess.

And kids, also, maybe. I don't know

what kids are into these days.

Are whippits still a thing? Point is...

shitter's clogged!

[Archer] Okay, so

first I need to
stash the Tsarina, which...

[shivering] ha-ha, ho-ho-ho...

don't know what I was expecting.

Okay, now to see if I can override
the security system

and get those steel doors open.

Okay, okay, so, then, let
me throw this out there

and see if the cat licks
it up: we cut the power.

- To the house...
- Zerp!

And, by extension, then,
the steel doors.

Oh, right. They are electric.

Yeah, so do you and kitty wanna lick me

through how that's supposed to work?

And so, now, what was your idea?

Two squads of six, breach formation,

shape charges on steel
doors here and here,


detonate, ingress, take out hostiles

with flash-bangs, and/or beanbags,

secure the friendlies, achieve

egress, drop mic. We're out.

Yeah. The second you blow the doors,

they're gonna execute everybody.

Which is the tactical equivalent of

a cat puking on your duvet cover.

Come on. Let's go. Here we
go. Move it, move it, move it.

Let's go, ladies. Move it,
move it, move it. Let's go!

Hang on. I got a big old wad of
toilet paper stuck on my shoe.

- Ugh!
- Seriously.

And I really need to check
in with my babysitter, so...

- Typical.
- Shut up.

Make me. Ow!

Hey, knock it off, you two!

- [slap lands]
- Damn it! I said knock it off!

- [Cheryl] Make me. Ow!
- [slap lands]

Okay! Jesus!

Ooh! Looks so good!

- Well...
- [bones cracking]

hope I'm not allergic to clown blood.

- S'up, ding-dong?
- Wh... Why the hell are you in here?

I heard you were getting your ass beat.

- [beeping]
- Oh, for the...

What is this, NORAD?

- Damn it. You'd have to be, like...
- [snaps fingers]


Hang on. I had something for...

Was it Ain't-Two-Dee-Two?


- Okay, so, if you're right...
- Which...

Merely for the sake of
argument, let's say you are,

and Archer has infiltrated these guys...

We have to find out which one is him.


Ow! Hey, cut it out.

Ow! Come... Ow! Damn it! Come on!

That's... Ow! Okay! Ow!

What is he doing? Sterling's got the

rest of his life to slap Cyril.

- No! No!
- [whistles] Excuse me.

- Okay! Stop! Ow! Ow!
- Excuse me, green one?

She needs the bathroom again.

You just went!

- I know, but...
- She has diarrhea!



- Ya know...
- What? You were the one

shoving pizza in your
gob like it owed you money.

- Doesn't even makes sense.
- [frustrated yelling]

Giggles, go with her.

Yes, you! Idiot!


[singsongy] Ready when you are.



Did you see that? Malory
just winked at that guy.

- Do you think she's in on the caper?
- Or just giving him props

for slapping the dog piss outta Cyril.

Yeah, that does make more sense.

But either way, not cool.

- [snoring]
- [Pam laughing] Welp.

Stay cold, Pony Boy. [laughs]


Okay, now I just gotta find Archer.

- What?
- I said, here is good.

- So go ahead.
- Huh?

Okay. How about for starters,

- "I'm sorry I kissed that old woman"?
- Mm, okay.

"I don't know what got
into me. I can only assume

it was my repressed desire to
sleep with my own mother."

Uh... [chuckles]

- Okay. [chuckles]
- Wow!

So this is all just a
big joke to you, huh?

Meanwhile, I guess we get killed
by a bunch of clowns,

and A.J. gets to go
live in an orphanage!

Well, if we live through this, we

are gonna have a long talk, Archer.

- Who?
- [imitating Giggles] "Who"?

[guffaws] Quit dicking around.

I know you took out the
green clown, and... and...

- took his, uh...
- ♪

[both] Oh, shit!

[both grunting]

- Rompers!
- [Rompers] Goddamn it!

- [grunts]
- I said radio silence!



- Your hands are so big!
- [straining]


- [groans]
- [sighs]

Son of a... bitch-ass clown!

[Cheryl] Ugh! Finally!

Jesus! No wonder Mozart went deaf.

I swear to God, one
more word out of you,

and you'll... have to have your brain's

mail forwarded to the ceiling!

[gasps, sighs]

That was technically not a word.

And what really chaps my cheeks,

besides ruining that dress,

is now I have to have that exact same

stupid argument all over
again with Archer!

But first I gotta figure out which

one of these scrote-licks is him.

And then I am gonna let him have it!

And then, boom, we're outta here.

And then Veronica Deane's like,

[imitating Veronica] "Archer,
you saved me and the Tsarina!"

And then she swoons, and I catch

her, and there is a moment, and...

Honestly, I don't see what
could possibly go wrong.

Look, we're running out of time here.

Those perps gotta be panicking by now,

and panic equals dead hostages.

Yeah, well, so does barging in there

with shape charges and flash-bangs.

Okay. Okay. So, then, I'm gonna

just throw this out there,

knockout gas!

- Knockout gas.
- Yeah.

In the, uh... whatcha-madoo... HVAC.

- Ooh! Or how bout a freeze ray?
- Uh...

Yeah, we just freeze 'em into giant

icicles and hit 'em with a hammer.

Do we... Do we have that technology?

Son of a... Could've sworn this

hallway led back to the foyer.

Or maybe the dining room?

How the hell did I get so turned around?

Oh, and bigger question:

how the hell am I gonna
tell which clown is Archer?

You didn't think about
that, did ya, Poovey?

I'm sorry. I honestly thought

knockout gas was an actual thing.

Idiot. Some kind of drug, maybe, but...

- [gasps]
- [gasps] No, no, no, not the phone!

Oh, shit. Right. Limp, bloody corpses.

[clears throat] Okay, so, uh, hey, uh...

Listen, I bet you guys are getting

pretty hungry in there again, huh?

Uh, is he joking?

I hope not. I can actually eat.

And speaking of, where is Pam?

So, what say we, uh, send in some

more hot pizzas? What do ya say?

[clicks off]

- [phone ringing]
- [gasps] I bet that's them!

[ringing continues]

Go for Harris. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

No, no, no. No, yeah, I got it.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Yep.
- [beeps off]

- He said no.
- Aah!

And that even if they did want pizza

for the hostages, which they don't,

the perps wouldn't eat it 'cause they

know we'd put sleeping pills in it.

Damn it! [sighs]

- [gasps] What about calzones?
- [snaps fingers]

- [horn blaring]
- Ow! Come on!

I don't think his
problem was with the food shape.

I don't know. I couldn't hear him!

Not the one hogging the phone.

Okay. All right. Did I,
or did I not, let you drive?

[sighs] Okay,
cowboy, let's do it your way.


Bravo One, Bravo Two, listen up.

I'm sorry, boss. We just can't find her.

Or Pinky or Giggles or Yum-Yum,

which is kind of creepy since

this place is on lockdown.

Ah, but doesn't the cunning rat

find his way off a sinking ship?

I think that's mostly via ropes?

Sinking, Oingo, as are my dreams,

into the icy black waters of failure.

For though mightily I toil and strive,

the Tsarina shall not be mine.

So, uh, what do we do now?

I guess we go with Plan X.

Uh... [chuckles
nervously] w-what's Plan X?

Oh, for...

Eat a dick, mansion.


Said the spider to the... clown.

[sighs] What, did I
walk onto the Titan...

- [both grunting]
- ♪♪


Holy shit-house! That must

be Archer and a bad guy!

But which is
which? Should I shoot one...

wait... or both?

Just blow off everybody's kneecaps

and then apologize to one of 'em?

Wait, what am I saying? All the other

bad guys will hear the shotgun!

- [sighs] Well...
- [bones crack]


Aw, damn it!

- [screaming]
- [both groan]

[both grunting]


- [yelling]
- [groans]




- Holy shit-snacks!
- Wh... Pam?

- [Pam, Lana] Archer?
- No?

[Pam, Lana] Goddamn it!

- You idiots!
- Us?

The only idiot in here

is the one who made
out with Veronica Deane!

Hey, first of all, she kissed
me. I didn't kiss her.

But even if I did kiss
her, which I didn't,

it was because you were
flirting with Ellis Crane!

- He was flirting with me!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Seriously?

I wish I'd blown off both
of you guys's kneecaps.

- Jesus.
- Not cool, Pam.

Oh, eat my asshole!

Now what are we gonna do about
the hostage situation?

[Archer, Lana] Oh, right.

All right. My guys are in position

and ready to blow the
doors on your command.

On whose command? Who the
hell is in charge here?

Well, sir, I think, technically, you.

- But this guy's been calling the shots.
- What?

Yeah. So, uh, yeah. We'll
just leave you to it.

Who the hell were those guys?

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

We're coming out. They let us go.

That's what happened, and
we're just some innocent hostages.

[quietly] You really
think this is gonna work?

[quietly] It will if
you shut your fat mouth.

Are there any more hostages inside?

Mm, nope. Just those hideous clowns.

[Cyril] We're gonna die, we're gonna

die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die...

- Oh, shut up!
- Seriously!

But when the SWAT team smashes
in here and yells,

"Drop your
weapons," we won't be able to,

and then they're gonna shoot

us, and we're gonna die!

[sobbing] We're gonna
die! We're gonna die...

- Oh, my God, he's right.
- Yeah, that'll happen.

[Archer] What the shit?

Uh, why is everybody clowns?

♪ ♪

Go, go, go, go, go!


- No, no, no!
- [all yelling]

[distorted] Oh, no!

[distorted shouting]

No, no, no, no!

Don't shoot!

[distorted] Come on! No!

[distorted grunting]


[distorted groaning]

[distorted laughing]

[distorted groaning]

[distorted] This was my...

third best birthday. [groans]


And, so, what did we learn?

- If anything.
- Well, for starters, beanbags.

How the hell is that a toy for kids?

Guess we're lucky the
police don't shoot lawn darts.

Oh, thank God, he's right
about something.

Or horseshoes.

- Note to self...
- [group] Krieger!

What? That was an unrelated
note to self!

[quietly] Lawn dart rifle.

Ugh! Are we at least gonna get paid

back for all of our medical bills?

Sterling is with Shapiro as we speak,

presenting him with an itemized bill.

[Shapiro] But you
must realize, Mr. Archer,

I won't pay one thin dime of this.

Oh, I'm sorry. I
forgot. It's opposite day.

Which means a bunch of cops didn't shoot

the shit out of me
with beanbags, which...

How is that a kid's
toy? Which means I don't know

you hired those
clowns to steal the Tsarina!

[gasps] But h-how did you know?

I didn't. You just told me.

Oh, damn it!

Yeah. Not great. For you.

I mean, when Veronica
finds out you did this.

I did it for her.

- [laughs]
- She's broke.

My God, she's got all
these bills to pay...

health insurance, a huge mortgage...

She can't eat a bunch of
diamonds and emeralds.

So you hired those clowns to steal

it, to get the insurance money...

Old clients of mine.
I got 'em out of jail,

but then they double-cross me.

- And now I bet they're gonna kill me!
- Yeah, probably.

So, the Tsarina is worth...

I mean, like, four million.

And you were gonna pay the
clowns, so you didn't have to worry

about the cops or the insurance company?

Like, a s... four hundred grand?

Yeah. So, I'm gonna
need a half a million in...

- I don't know. Have you got Krugerrands?
- I mean...

- yeah.
- Super. So, that.

And then, if you hear from
Rompers and his gang...

- Which...
- you let me know.

- I owe him one.
- So, you'll protect me?

No. I'll protect Veronica Deane.

- [coins jingling]
- Oh, so, did she ask about me, or...

Did she... [laughing]

Oh, Mr....

[laughing continues]



Whew! No.

There's a nice way to do that.