Archer (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - Motherless Child - full transcript

An important member of the team is kidnapped and all leads point towards the infamous disc. Meanwhile Krieger is up to no good and Lana gets a new pet.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
I can't, I gotta go drive my car now,

I got-- Huh?
I dunno, ask her.

I gotta drive my automobile, on road!


What? Are you
shitting me?

Pfff, see about this bullshit.

[car horn honking]

Hey! Yeah, that's
the ol' pepper!

[chuckling] Take me to
my house that I live in!




Oh, oh my God, rumaki.

Do you smell that?

Uh, I did not, actually.

Matter of fact,
I can't smell anything.


[laughs] Hey, dummy.

No, no, no.


[high-pitched whining]

[voice muffled]
You say "bulletproof?"

[Barry, muffled]
You can't tell, can you?

You think I'm gonna be that dumb?
Oh, my God.

...not really surprising.

Bet you're surprised
to see me though, huh?

Yes, I am, Barry,
because I blew your ass up

in a grain elevator!
Oww! [brakes screeching]

Yeah, Archer, I remember.

Every time I look
in the goddamn mirror!

The-- Wait, are you
invisible now?

No, you idiot!

I'm just a walking
titanium endoskeleton.

Oh. So, do you clank, or-- Oww!
[brakes screeching]

Yes, dickhole,
I clank! Happy?

I mean-- Well, I'm not!
And ya wanna know why?

Because, not even in this order,

you shot me,
shattered both my femurs,

cornholed both my fiancées,
got me turned into a robot,

left me to die
in outer frickin' space!

And also blew me up in a grain elevator!

[coughing] Oh my God, Framboise!
Remember her?

Yes, Archer, I do.
And that alone

would be reason enough to kill you!

But that is not why
I came to L.A.

Well, if it was to see the Aztecs
play, I got some bad news.

Will you shut up? I came
out here to find someone.

[chuckles] And then I
saw this little guy.

[Barry laughing] Oh,
for-- Goddamn it, Pam!

I can't believe you're a private eye.

Well, it's better than driving a cab!

I don't drive a cab, super sleuth!

This is just a ruse.
I clamped your car.

Why? Because, you
giant flapping anus,

I wanna hire you! I--

Look, not many people
know this, all right,

but I grew up in an orphanage.
I never met my mother,

and I always felt like
I was missing a big piece of,

not me, necessarily, but the me
I could've been, ya know?

And maybe I brought
some of this on myself,

but I feel that there's
a better other Barry in here.

If I could just reconnect
with my birth mother, maybe,

just maybe, we could find him.


Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay!

Barry, oh man, I mean
how could it occur to you

for a nanosecond
that I would help you?

Hey, I'm coming to you as a man here.

No, you're not. You're coming
to me as a robot mummy!

Oh my God, who's--
Archer, no!

Who's got--

Don't you say it!
No mummy!

[laughing] Okay, so
now we're doing this.

[laughter continues]
[brakes screech]


[groaning continues]


Bawk, bawk.


[Archer] Ugh, what is
this, a stairs factory?

Ugh! Oh.
Oh, hey.

So, this is Crab Rangoon,
it is going in the refrigerator,

and it is very much mine.
Any questions?

Krieger, looking at you.
Okay, then.

Oh, and so guess
who I saw last night?

Uh, Barry?
Yeah, wait, how'd you--

[Barry] Ahem.

Hey, dummy.

You cyborg son of a bitch!

No, no, no! Don't!

We already tried that!

Yeah, so, uh, you wanna
throw it at me now?

You know, like the old-timey
Superman mov--

That was obviously sarcasm.

And yet almost as satisfying
as not helping you

find your stupid mother, which
there's no way I'm gonna do!

Well, you say that...

Her name's Cher--

Pam, shut up!


She can't hear you.


Still can't hear you.

Where is that?
Where is she?

Carol? She's about
ten feet below that.

What is that?

It's a generator running an air pump!

Which is pumping air
to... Carol?

You son of a--

Wait, how did you do all this
since just last night?

Huh? Oh no, no, no. I've been
planning this for weeks.

I knew when I asked you for help

you'd be a big, weeping dick.

Barry, listen to me.
Okay, but remember,

we don't have a lot of time here.

That generator's only got
about 12 more hours'

worth of fuel,
and once it runs out...



You animal!

Pfff, a robot's like

the furthest thing
you can be from an anim--


So if you wanna find
your mother-- [roars]

[group gasps]

So, if we're done with the heroics...

For now at least, yeah, I think so.

Good, because just to reiterate...

Time's a bit of a factor here.


Hello? Who are you?

Why won't you answer me?
What do you want?


Ow! Quit squeezing
the puppy, Lennie!

Oh hush, you big baby. It's
just a through-and-through.

Yes, which means both holes hurt!

Hey, I know you're upset, but we
are gonna find Barry's mother,

and Malory is gonna be okay.

Now, I believe there
was some mention of holes?

Phrasing, boom.

That's the spirit.
Shut up.

And then talk again, but only to help
me think of a way to kill Barry.

Why don't we just find his mother?

Why, just so she can bury him?

Yeah, because trying to kill Barry

has gone so well for you in the past.

Yeah, Lana, but this time it's, um...

[chuckles] Were you gonna say,
"This time it's personal"?

Yeah, but I didn't.

[clears throat]
But also it is.

[Cyril] Because here's my concern...

The orphanage where
you grew up burned down.

[giggles] Shut up, and all the
records were lost in the fire,

so not only do you not know

your birth mother's name...

You don't know the hospital
where you were born.

Uh-uh. Or the town,
or even the county.

Nope. Or even your
actual date of birth!

I-- Look, if this was easy

I wouldn't have to bury
ladies out in the desert!

Yeah, so did she struggle?

Did you have to punch her
in her bony face?

No, Creepy Spice, I used chloroform.

Aw. Yeah, her husband
didn't even wake up.

Damn machine.
You need a Ph.D.

for this thing.
It's like the Univac.

It says here "grind." It's
already ground from the store!

I just want it to drip, but
there's no button for drip!

What are you,
in the shower? Hello?

Do I need to mess with "program"?

And because it was a closed adoption
with any record of it sealed,

we need to basically hack into the
state's vital records database,

and comb through millions of records!

Yeah, so then do that.

I-- [sighs] But even
if we could hack in--

Their password security's
probably just eight-bit,

so I'd suggest a combination
of dictionary attack,

reverse cryptographic hash function,

and good old-fashioned
brute force.

Oh, we can do that?
Lemon squeezy.

Oh, okay, but my larger,
sort of overall concern

is that it's a felony.

Well, but so is
painting the walls in here

with you people's tiny brains.

[all gasp] Yeah, so whaddya
say we "get crackin'"?


See what I did there?

Samuel Johnson tells us that puns
are the lowest form of comedy,

but for me it's murder.

[Archer] Damn it, people, my
mother is buried alive!

What is taking so long?

We're going as fast as we can!

And why is it so frickin' hot?

What? Why do you think?

To crack the password we need

every last bit of
this computing power!

Still though...
It is pretty hot.

Sweet Jesus Metal Christ!
Whoa, my God!

What's the matter?
C'mon, Lana.

It's nothing you haven't seen before.

Wait, what?
Yeah, dude,

me and her b-b-b-boned. What?

Did I know this?
When was this?

Way back!
When he was, ya know...

What, back when
I was what, Lana? Human?

I mean--
I still have feelings!

Well, then put some damn clothes on!

No, no!
You can just feast

your beady little eyes
on my... endoskeleton!

[excitedly gasps] Here's an idea!
Turn on the A/C!

Yeah, right!

We're way over maximum voltage.

I got about
a buck-fifty in pennies

crammed in the fusebox as it is.

[all groaning]
Oh, relax.

Worst case, an innocent
migrant farmhand

goes to turn on the milking
machine and gets electrocuted.

What? I mean, worst case
we fry some circuits.


I mean, how's Mother?

I wanna see her,
put her up on the monitor.

But just for a second.

Oh and keep it
on "mute." Carol.

[all groaning]
[Barry chuckles]

Yeah, she's really losing her shit.

...hunt you bastards down

and have your guts for
garters, you hear me?

My God, get it together.

You've been in tighter spots
than this.

East Berlin, Warsaw.
Ugh, Khartoum?

At least this time you're not
hooked up to a car battery.

Or up to your ankles in camel blood.

And whoever these bastards are,

they must not want you dead just yet.

But what do they want?
And where is this?

[sighs] Well, it's
hard to say, really.

I mean, we're computating
as fast as we can,

but every possible
permutation of this password

is something on the order of
ten to the ninth power, so--

Got it! Wait, what? Wait, what?


Can't hear anything.

Although I can feel just
the slightest draft, but...

[deep sniff] Hm. Maybe
a hint of diesel?

Doesn't help much,
that could be anywhere.

Although "anywhere" usually
has some kind of sounds.

Traffic, birds, a train.
Here there's just nothing.

Could-- Damn it,
I'm underground!

But what kind of
sick, twisted, bastard...

Whoo! Barry's
baggin' some tea!

[thrusting sounds]

I suppose there's really no telling.

You spend your whole
life in espionage,

you're going to make a few enemies.

But kiddo, you're not gonna
sit here on your keister

waiting to find out who's
behind this. So. Step one.

And now for step two.

[inhales, grunts]

[exhales] Step two's always a bitch.

All right, now step three.


[Barry] Okay, so now what, now what?

Well, I think the first
thing we should do

is make Pam put on some clothes.

Don't try to body shame me!

Dog Tits!
Yeah, shut up.

[sighs] So now, we have to go through

all these millions
of records line by line,

looking for any records
with your given name,

and hope we can
cross-reference that

to find some record of
your birth mother's name.

What? How long is
that gonna take?

I-- Awhile, Archer.

Oh, well then, can I borrow Krieger?

No. How does that help the situation?

It helps my leg, Cyril,

which I think might be
turning septic,

thanks to your new
best friend, Darth Barry!

You do realize I'm not
that kind of a doc--

Krieger, break room now, goddamn it!
So, is it cool if I--

Yeah, but give him some morphine
or something to shut him up,

'cause I've really got this warm,
hopeful feeling right now,

and I kinda feel like
it's gonna be ruined

if I have to pull his spine
out through his face.

Um, and also can I go
to the bathroom? No.

Then why does Archer get
to do whatever he wants

plus morphine when you're not
even my robot supervisor!

Okay, Jesus, go to the bathroom.

Well, if she's going-- Everybody
go to the damn bathroom!

Go crazy, use the frickin' bidet!

I'm not the one
running out of oxygen here.

Oh right, I forgot about Miss Archer.


step three's no prize.


And now, for these damn cuffs!

You lost me.

I want you to Edison this elephant.

Nope, still lost.

Thomas Edison! Remember?
When he killed that elephant

by jamming a big, fat
electric cable up its asshole?


The kindly Wizard of Menlo Park,

bought a sweet old circus
elephant just to murder it.

Now I want you to figure
out a way to zap Barry

with enough juice
to shut down his CPU.

Uh, okay, like-- Like, just brick him.
[zapping sound]

But the KGB built him. I'm sure
all his circuits are shielded.

It would take like,
gigawatts worth of volts.

Okay, that doesn't sound right.
It's not.

But how many volts do
you think we have with

two pounds of pennies
jammed in the fusebox?

Hmm, and if I routed it
all to a single circuit,

like the dimmer switch
in the bullpen,

maybe spilled an electrolytic
solution on the floor

for good measure, and get Barry
to touch said dimmer switch...

Wait, what happened to jamming

a big, fat electric
cable up his asshole?

Well, A, I don't think he even has
an asshole, not that I was looking,

and B, a dimmer switch is way easier.

Okay, but-- But wait,
if you fry Barry's CPU,

he can't tell you
where Miss Archer is!

Well, I'll worry about that
bridge when I come to it!

I kinda think you should
worry about it before then.

Krieger, if I worried about
a fraction of the stuff

I should be worried about,
I'd never get anything done!

I know, but--
Oh my God, BPA!

Transgendered frogs!

[frog bribbit]
Shh, shh, shh.

[Gillette] What? I said
I'm in love with Barry.

[toilet flushes] [laughs]
I knew that was coming.

Oh, my tits, what? How could--
He's a frickin machine!

Well, Ray, a machine
is like a desert.

Either it fascinates or appalls you.

What? It's not "noice!"

How could you be attracted
to a homicidal maniac?

No, that's a quote by Wilfrid Noyce.

What? Yes!

The mountaineer?

Well, here's a quote by me:

Barry's about to violate
the First Law of Robotics...

on my vagina.


Ha! Now just to see
where the hell I am...

What? Oh, for the love!

Although, no matter who
or what ends up killing me,

you could probably
paint that on the wall.

The idiot.

Let's go, people.
The clock is ticking.

Tick tock, tick tock.

Name something a clock would say.

Barry, you could, ya know, help!

I'm too wound up!

Name something a clock would--

I could maybe help you unwind.

[Lana] Ugh. Didn't I
murder you one time?

[Archer] Carol!

Get back to work, what are you doing?
What are you doing?

Well, you guys were
all pretty sweaty,

so I brought you
some Sports Drank to--

Oh, damn it! Damn.
Damn. Damn. Damn it!

Probably because
it's so dark in here.

Yeah, Archer, it is getting dark,

which means your mommy is running out

of both time and oxygen!

It also means potentially
dangerous eye-strain

for these hardworking folks, Barry.

So why don't you go over there
and turn up that dimmer?

You turn up the damn dimmer!
No, Barry, you do it!

Ugh, Jesus, I'll turn up
the stupid dimmer.

Carol, no! Don't touch that dimmer!
Wait a minute...

Why do you want me
to touch the light switch?

Hm? And all the sports drank
conveniently spilled

on the floor, full of electrolytes?

Is it? Are you trying
to electrocute me?

What, no!

[Krieger screams]
[sighs] Apparently not.

If I was electrocuted, how the hell
were you gonna find your mother?

So there were a couple of holes!

[Pam] Wait, are we doing-- Jesus!

You were willing to risk that?
Oh, that is classic you!

A mother!
The one thing

I've been searching for
my entire goddamn life,

and you take it for granted!

Just like you do
with everything else!

Shut up!
Well, guess what!

You take your mother
for granted? Fine!

Good luck finding her
without the coordinates!

[all gasping]
What the shit?

I don't think that's
gonna be a problem.

[exhales] First thing, I'm
taking a long hot bath

with a nice stiff drink.


And then I'm going to kill everybody!

Well, get in line, lady!

Hey, whoa! Calm down!

After I kill
all you idiots, I'm--

- [Pam] I found her!
- [All muttering]

Found who? Your mom! At
least I think I did.

[all chattering]
Let me see.

So, the Hide-A-Wee
Home For Children...

That's where I grew up!
Took in a newborn baby,

born at County Hospital
close to your dates,

who was christened
Bartholomew Aloysius Dylan.

That's me!
Little baby Barty D.!

And, according to
County Hospital's records,

the baby was put up for adoption
by a young woman named...

You sure you wanna know this?

[all clamoring]


Tammy Jo Stamps, age 16.

Holy shitsnacks!

And she's still alive, you guys!

She lives in L.A.!

[all muttering]

[bawling] Well? What
are you waiting for?

You got what you wanted!

Go to her!

Just go!

I mean, yeah, right?
I mean, right?

Well, I mean, yeah, but...

But what? I mean, you
can't go like that.

Why, what are you...

Oh my God, I look
like the Terminator!

Well, a Terminator.

I think I may have just the thing.

Okay, I was kinda saving this for...

this other thing, but anyhoo.

[all gasping]

What the shit, Krieger?


Why do you have our heads?

And hands. What, it's for this other...

So! Who's it
gonna be, big guy?


Holy shit, now I know you're crazy.

What, you thought I'd pick you?

I mean...
Or Gillette?

[chuckles] The poor
man's Frank Langella?

Oh my God, I am.

No, this is the face.
How do I look?

[all muttering]

Yeah, right?
Okay, so...

Wow! Off to meet
my birth mother.

Wish me luck, friends!
[all] Good luck.

Thanks, guys!

[brakes screeching]
[all] Oh!

I'm okay!

[sarcastic muttering]

Like a bad penny.

Oh, shit!
The pennies!

So, what did we learn?


I learned...


I learned that the cabinet

of Dr. Krieger is
full of our faces.

And hands.
I-- Look,

don't worry about it. I
really feel like we should.

Oh, you worry about everything.

Oh, shit!
I hope Mother's okay.

[dopey laugh]


I'll give you $1,000 for a
ride to the nearest bar.

[trucker laughs]

Oh, shit yeah, lady, climb on up!

[groans] Yeah, there ya
go, get on up in here.

[Malory groans]
Whew. Thank you.

[trucker chuckles] Thank you.
A thousand bucks?

You're either crazy or rich or both.

[Malory] Well, I don't have
it on me obviously, but...

[trucker] Oh, I betcha we
can work something out.

[Malory] Ahem, your hand
seems to be on my thigh.

[trucker] Yeah, you're
like a silver fox.

I beg your pardon?

And I'm just hopin'

them curtains match the rug,
'cause I like that.

[Malory sighs]


[groans, chokes]


[Malory] Ya like an
elbow to the throat?

Shit heel.

Although, if you had worded
that a bit more delicately

it could've been
quite flattering, so...

well, not thank you,
necessarily, but...


[Malory] Je ne sais quoi.
Exactement. Ciao!

[continues choking]