Archer (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 2 - The Handoff - full transcript

Archer and Lana make a tricky handoff while the rest of the gang hears the best voicemail ever.


yes, I-- I'm afraid so.

You see, last night,
thieves burgled the house
of my attorney, al--

Alan shapiro.
Why, yes.

But how did you know that
mr. Shapiro was my attorney?

Yeah, cyril.
Oh. Uh, so,
the reason I know that is--

He's an idiot.
Photographic memory.

My guess is he read that
in a newspaper article years ago
and never forgot it.

But, you know, many of
the world's great detectives
were on the spectrum.

Wait. What?
Sherlock holmes,
um, darryl zero...

Please forgive me.
I had no idea.

Look at his clothes.

Hey, you know what--
there, there.

At any rate, um,
whoever these people were,
they stole, um--

My goodness, look at me.
I'm-- I'm shaking like a leaf.

Would you care for a drink?
Archer, it's barely nine o'--

Corpse reviver #2, please.
But if you don't
have real absinthe,

I'll have a double sidecar,

Oh, that sounds good.
I'll have--

There's not enough.
You were saying?

They stole...

Yes. Um, I suppose
you could call it

Very sensitive information.

On a computer disk?

Well, yes, but surely
you didn't read that
in the newspaper.

Intuition and a
photographic memory.

It's remarkable,
but it can be a bit--

Cyril, get up. Move.

Ms. Deane came here for help,
not to be off-put.

Now, then,
this sensitive information...

[clears throat]

Um, yes.
So, about the disk--

You want to get back at us.

You want us to get it back.
No, mr. Archer.

I need you to get it back,

Which is an excellent segue
into a brief overview
of our fee structure.

Two hundred thousand dollars.
Wow, that was brief.

Payable upon delivery.

Now, if you will
excuse me, I--

I think we might have
more questions.

I'm sure you do,
but mr. Shapiro
will have to answer them.

He's waiting for you
at his house now.

The house that got robbed?
"burgled," lana. Pay attention.

And so, miss deane,
do you want me
to ride with you?

Because my car is currently--


No, mr. Archer.
Mr. Shapiro

Will handle everything
from now on.

And if all goes
according to plan,

This will be
the last time we ever meet.

Wait. No. Ever?
I am standing right here.

Yeah, exactly, when clearly
we're almost out of triple sec,



okay, so, what do we know?

um, old ladies give you a boner?

hey, me too.

No. And shut up.
And, krieger, come on.

Let's go. Move.


Oh, for the-- ew!
What? My leg's asleep.

and you have an erection.
Also. Yes.

And we have to meet shapiro
in two hours ago,
so can we please focus?

Well, we know that someone
posing as veronica deane

Tricked us into
stealing a computer disk

In order to blackmail
the real veronica deane.

And paid us with a bogus
cashier's check for a hundred
thousand dollars, which--

Why the hell are you doing that?
What? You just said
it was bogus!

I don't know. Fingerprints?

Well? Who am I,
alphonse bertillon?

Uh, so I'm just gonna
kind of power through this,
if you don't mind.

Whatever. Jesus.

Okay, so, now,
the real veronica deane--

How do you know
she's the real one?

Oh, she's definitely
the real thing.

Please, you can't
fake that desperate,

Actressy craving
for attention.

What you can't fake, mother,
is her star power,
her palpable charisma.

Well, I'm gonna fake being here
and go pick up our daughter
at daycare.

Well, then, you can
fake getting paid.

Excuse me?
You're no longer
on malory's teat.


never gonna be able
to stand up.

You work at
the figgis agency now.

And around here,
you don't work-a the case,

You don't get-a the--
the paycheck.

Boom! Fridge magnet.

I'm sorry.
Did veronica deane spray
a bunch of pheromones

That somehow raised
all your testosterone levels?

That is exactly
what it feels like.
Oh, yeah.

I feel like I could
fight a grizzly bear,

Like, over a parking space.

Is the bear, like,
standing in the space
or actually driving the car?

Doesn't matter.
I mean--

Does it matter that if
we don't get that disk
for that snooty has-been,

We'll have to shut off
the lights?

How will that help?
Not to mention,

It's kind of our fault
the disk was stolen
in the first place.

since we stole it.

Okay, so--
cyril, shut up.

Sterling and lana,
go meet shapiro
and then report back.

Uh, before or after he
recognizes us as the people
that robbed his house?

and it was pitch black,
and we all had on goggles.

So calm down.
Nobody's gonna recognize us.


Duner! Blits!
Keyn! Nit faynt!

hey, buddies.

Nit faynt!
Keyn! Keyn!

God, that is so weird.

Are they not
housebroken, or--

No. No. Sorry. No.
Come on in.

Oh, shoes. Shoes, shoes.
Thank you.

No, the growling.
They have never done that
to a guest.

And they are
extremely well trained.
Ex-mossad, actually.

But if you mean the diapers,
then yes, because
whoever broke in here--

And I say "whoever," because it
was pitch black, and they were
wearing some kind of goggles--

[fake cough] called it.
...When they poisoned
my goddamn dogs!

Yeah, the vet thinks it was
some kind of tranquilizer.

But they had a bad reaction,
and all night the poor things

Were just crazy shitting,

I mean, like fire hoses,

It was all through here,
down that hallway,
all down the stairs.

Some got way up
on that wall somehow.

And there was all
this blood splashed everywhere
from the burglar.

I swear to god, it was like
a family circuscartoon
up in here.

The ones where they follow billy
all around the neighborhood,

Only with blood
and watery dog shit.

And so, the maids
cleaned all night.

That's only because
I threatened
to have them deported.

They've been with me
at least--

Oh, wow.
Rosa's been with me 20 years.

anyway, the vet just left.

They were so dehydrated.
We had 'em on iv drips,
the whole megillah.

The maids?
Th-- the dogs!

Oh, my god,
I am so sorry...

That that happened.

I'll tell you who's sorry,
is my flokati rug.

Oh, and my
worthless bodyguards.
Right. And they are...

And lucky they're not slowly
dissolving in a 50-gallon drum!

She trusted me!

Veronica trusted me
to protect the disk,
and I failed her!

Okay, well, maybe.
But we're gonna get it back,
right, with a plan?


Yes. I'm sorry.
Those vermin called
this morning,

Gave me instructions
on where to bring this--

Two million dollars
in bearer bonds.

Holy shit, we should've
kept the disk.

Safe... From the bad guys.

And by "we,"
obviously I meant "you."


Wow. Hurtful.

Okay, let's go meet
these bastards.

A, you won't need that.

And b, we need to check in
with the agency.

Or-- roll with me--
we don't check in yet,
or at all,

Which means
we decide how many hours
we worked on this case,

And not cyril, who,
I hate to bring this up,

Just this morning,
in front of everybody,

Made you his giant bitch.

Well, you two coming,
or what?

Okay. They said come alone,
but I don't drive,

So they said I could
bring my chauffeur.

So somebody gets
a snappy uniform,

And somebody else
gets to hide in the trunk.

[english accent]
I trust milady shan't be overly
discomfited whilst in the boot.

I bet you get this all the time,
but have you ever done
any modeling, or--

Oh, and just so you know,
a woman chauffeur is a--

[horn honks]


You dumb idiots.

wait. What?

What do you mean,
they haven't checked in?

[chair squeaking]

I mean that...

They haven't checked in.

Wha-- so no one's
heard from them?


So we've got two agents
in the field--

I thought I was
very clear about that.

And also about
how excessive spinning

Causes premature wear
on the bearings!

and I bet they
haven't checked in,

Because they're trying
to stick it to the man,
who, in this case, is me.

And in this case only.
Stop spinning!

Cyril, you stop.
What, protecting
innocent bearings?

Being yourself!


Excuse me?
Cyril, you have been given

The opportunity
of a lifetime--

A new job, a new city
where no one knows you,

Which means you can
reinvent yourself.

You can be
anyone you want.

So why would you
keep being you?


And that goes
for the rest of you.

Don't be the same
feckless idiots you were

When this was a spy agency.

[chairs squeaking]

Oh, come on.
Just literally yesterday,

You were all so excited
about your first case,
and now look at you.


So get off your collective ass
and get me a sit-rep
on my field agents!


I am, you know,
still the boss.

Well, but only
when I'm not here.

okay, I think we're here.

do you?
Do you think that, lana?

Calm down,
fran trunkington.

Oh, for the--

Trunky brewster, then.

Oh, man,
I hope that's not them.

Although that seems unrealistic.

Okay, archer, we've got nine--
check that-- ten bandits, 12:00.

Copy that, mav.
What's the hard deck?

Okay, you know what?

Never mind.
Come on, poppin' fresh.

Are you coming?
Are you gonna open my door?

I know, right?
She's like--


So, are you and archer,

You know?

You the jew lawyer?

yes. Yes. I believe
we spoke on the phone.

You got the money?

Two million dollars
in bearer bonds,
as per our verbal agreement.

What are you doing?
Get the disk.
[man laughing]

Oh, well, get a load
of miss daisy.

[men laughing]

Now, you give the case
to ocho there,

And I'll give
miss daisy the d-isk.

[clears throat]
you done?

But I gotta ask--

where's the frickin' money?


Son of a...
[guns cocking]


Man, I hope you got
health insurance.

Shut up!

The rest of you, mount up.

Sandy trunkin.

Trunkin hines.
Archie trunker.

Ooh, archie trunker's place.
[car door opens, closes]

[engine starts]

That was quick.


Trunkingham palace...


Trunkminster fuller.

[tires screeching]


[line ringing]

This is lana kane.
Please leave a--

Five times,
straight to voicemail!

Y'all, that's not like her.
You think she's in danger?

Who knows? If they went
to meet the blackmailers,
no backup, then--

Aw, jeez, you guys
are freaking me out!


Okay, so as distasteful
as it may be,

You have to at least try him.
No! No.

I don't care
if they are in danger.
I am not calling sterling.

[imitating bird] voicemail hoax!
Voicemail hoax! [squawking]

[normal voice]
I don't care if they're getting
stuffed into a wood chipper.

Huh? Wuzza?
Oh, man.


We better be at a bar.
[car door opens]

You, move the limo.
As matter of fact,

Move it all the way down
to pearl's.
Aw, be a shame to crush it.

Yeah? Be a shame
to crush your skull, too,

But these are
the times we live in.

Come on, miss daisy.
Move that ass.

Son of a...


[phone, muted]
♪ mulatto butts

♪ mulatto butts,
mulatto bu-- ♪

[line ringing]


Wait for it.

Oh, for--
mother, it's me.

[trunk opening]
what the--

get out!
No, no, no, no!

[grunting, blows landing]

[archer yelling]

[men whooping]

[blows landing, grunting]

[archer yelling]
he's biting me!


[clattering, grunting]

[archer screaming]


[yelling, blows landing]

son of a bitch!

I'm gonna cut you with that!
[machinery whirring]

[yelling, screaming]

Kill him! [laughing]
[archer yelling]

[archer sobbing]

You're gonna die!
Oh, my finger!


I'm gonna kill you!
[machinery whirring]

Get him to the wood chipper!

Eat shit!
I'll see you in hell!

No, no, no, no!
Please don't!


[grunting, yelling, screaming]

[blade whooshes]

Please don't...

No, you can't!
You can't! You can't!



[archer breathing heavily]

No, no, no, no. Hey!
[blow lands]

[body thuds]

what did I tell you?
Yeah, yeah.

well, but you gotta
hand it to him.

This was the best
voicemail ever!

It would've been.

It would've been.
[man] ocho!

Mas tequila, pendejo!

Then we're gonna go have us
a long talk
with miss daisy and the jew.


So, would you say
it's serious?

Ugh! I would, alan.

We actually have
a child together, so--

oh, I meant, aww.

So, I would love it
if you would shut up

So I can think of
a way out of here.

Uh, wanna try yanking
on the pipe?

[archer laughs]
What the--

Boom. Deal with it.

aka trunkmaster flex.

Oh, whatever.

And what happened?
How'd you screw up
a simple handoff?

Wha-- he didn't
bring the money.

Senator stay puft,

I didn't bring it,

because I don't have it.

Wha-- well, who does?
I don't know. Wall street?

The three different
mortgage companies?

Whoever thought it was
a good idea to start

A faux hillbilly restaurant
chain called "po' people"?

Which was me, actually.
I've given her some
terrible investment advice.

Wait. Did you mean
"po' folks"?

No. Those guys
sued our dicks off.

Wait. So, veronica deane
is broke?

No. She's--

Oh, my god.
Is that what this is?

You're just intrigued
by the idea of a sugar mama?

No, not at all.
Wait. What?

She's not broke.

But she doesn't have two million
bucks for blackmail,

So I figured I'd just bluff it,

And then you guys
would take 'em down.

Why would you think that?
Come on. I know
who you guys are.

Okay. Jesus.

Look, I am so, so sorry
we made your dogs sick.

You what?

It was you!

Jesus christ!
You broke into my house!

You stole the disk!
Ugh! What were
you gonna say?

That I know
you used to be spies!

[archer, lana]

And assholes!

St-- stop it. Stop it.

Sorry, but we got duped.
We thought we were stealing
the disk for veronica.

Oh, now you're on
a first-name basis.

And, again, seriously,
about the dogs--


What is wrong with this thing?
Why can't I dial out?

Because it's not--
hey, wait. Hang on. Stop.

You guys hear that?

[crickets chirping]
my god!

He actually
trained crickets.

No. I think that's--
jeezy petes!

The line's still open!
What are you saying?

That's not archer's voicemail.
those are real-life crickets!

So everything we heard
really happened.

[muffled scream]

Well, what are we
waiting for?

I'm not giving you my pants.

Well, I won't proceed
without pants, lana,
and I can't wear his pants.

Yeah. Plus, he's all
dirty and bloody.

And it's not like
yours won't fit me.

What is going on
with your thighs?

Oh, my god.
They're jodhpurs!

No. I know.
I mean lately.


[groaning, sobbing]

I bet that would've hurt
even with pants.

[krieger] okay, you're gonna
take the next exit.
[keyboard clacking]

We're only a few miles out.

And how are you
tracking his phone?

Same way I track all of your--
um, so,

You might even wanna start
getting over now for that exit.

[archer groaning]

Oh, get up, you big baby.

I honestly don't think I can.

seriously, I was already
pretty exhausted.

Physically, obviously,
I'm pretty sure
I got stabbed twice.

Goddamn, dude.
But, man, emotionally?

It's been a long time
since I killed anybody.

You killed
some of the bikers?
They tried to wood-chipper me!

No. I meant--
although to be fair,

If you open what you think
is an empty trunk,

And suddenly
there's a guy in there,
you're gonna overreact.

Kind of like that time
I walked into that motel room,
and it was full of seagulls.


Myrtle beach
is a train wreck.

I don't know, lana.
I may have.
I was in rampage mode.

I definitely knocked out,
like, seven or eight, so--

Yeah. Pretty beat.

So, is there any
liquor back here?
Like, even cooking sherry, or--

My point is,
there's probably only two
or three bikers left out there.

So go beat 'em up.
Get the keys, get the disk,
and let's get outta here.

[door opens]

Don't you even wanna know
who hired us for the handoff?

It was you!

You had the fake veronica deane
hire us to steal that disk!

What? Get--

Ow! No, it wasn't me.

I'd never do that to veronica.
If that disk gets out,
she'll be ruined.

And I'm--
and I'm in love with her.

of course you are.

Oh, don't be jealous, baby.

You and I will always have
what we had.

Wait. What? What?
Uh, so, who did hire you?

That's for me to know
and you to find out.

Well, and for us to find out,
too, since we
don't know, either.

Or why I said that out loud.

What we do know is that
our cut of two mil
is ten percent.

So, unless somebody's got
two hundred grand burning
a hole in their pocket, I--

I have a cashier's check
for that exact amount,
literally, in my pocket.

It was to pay
these private dicks.
But if their actions

Don't constitute
breach of contract, then--

Well, I'll just go ahead
and take that.

[mechanical whining]
[guns cocking]

I already got dibs.

And why the hell
are you naked?

It's after labor day.

You ain't gonna
get away with this.

I'm gonna hunt you down,
like-- ow!

Tell it to the cops,

Although obviously
never speak to the police
without an attorney present.

thanks for coming, you guys.

Oh, my tits, whaaat!

We're back to saying "phrasing."
I'm not.

Well, apparently
we're not saying "thank you."

Thank you, mother,
for arriving.

Wait. So, could ray
not be bothered?

He's outside,
securing the perimeter.

Say I won't.

Good work, ray.
Thanks for coming.

Oh, my tits, whaaat!

What are you wearing?

what are you wearing?

Thought I might
have to go undercover.

As what?
A biker, dum-dum.

it's just you look
kind of gay.

I look gay.
A little bit. Yeah.

Well, did you see lana?
Hey, earl campbell called.

He wants his thighs back.

okay, so, first case--
pros and cons.

Well, we got tricked into
blackmailing veronica deane,
beloved hollywood icon.

Yeah, that's definitely
a con.
But then we--

Well, I totally kicked ass
and got the disk back.

I will begrudge you a pro.

Although I didn't get
to give it to her in person.

Maybe over cocktails.

Also, we never found out
what's on it or what
"longwater" even means, so--

Because it's none
of our business!

Oh, and speaking
of business,

Shapiro said he'd recommend us
to any of his clients
that might need pi work.

Ooh, the case
of the missing kishke.

Oh, and I also got stabbed.

How is that a pro, you dick?

Learning experience?

Well, joke's on you.
I didn't learn anything.

There's your fridge magnet.

So, all in all,
I'd say our first case was

A bit of a mixed bag.

Oh, I don't know.

Two hundred thousand dollars
for two days' work?

That's not too shabby, people.

Two hundred thousand
divided by eight
equal shares.

That's-- holy shit-snacks!
25 grand each?

Wait. What do you mean,
"equal shares"?

What do you think this is,
a pirate ship?

Well, there's an easy way
to find out.

Like, I assume there's
some sort of leather-bound
ship's registry

In the office
of the lord high admiral.

Ugh! Fine!
I'll find it myself.



made in georgia.