Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - Pocket Listing - full transcript

Slater has the gang swindle the Durhani royal family and Gillette lends a hand.

I am dead serious.

From now on, no eggs,
no pigs' feet,

nothing pickled,

or, so help me God,

I will put that refrigerator
out by the curb.

Oh, come on!

Those weren't pigs' feet.

Whatever feet, idiot!

Now then, we have an assignment,

but I won't be joining you,

so if you'll direct your
goldfish-like attention spans

to Mr. Slater...

Just Slater,
for the "infinitieth" time.

Watch it.
Shut up.

Shut up.



The young man in the monitor

is Crown prince Fawad Fawaz,

heir to the throne
of the Kingdom of Durhan.

He just got a summer internship
on Wall Street...

Ugh, affirmative action...

And so he's in the city looking
for suitable accommodations,

something befitting
the world's richest prince.

Oh, money.
Holy shit.

And so what,
he needs bodyguards?

Mm, no,
I think he's all set there...

Which brings us to my problem,

which, coincidentally,
is also your problem.

Without the prince or his
security team's knowledge,

I need to scan any and all
of his mobile phones,

any and all flash drives,

both of his handprints,
and both of his retinas.

And why?

Oh, sorry, let me back up.

This is part of
operation because I said so.

Ya know what?
I'm sure I do.

For example,
this is a tranquilizer gun,

with which I will dart
the prince,

and then we'll have 60
seconds to do all the scans

before he wakes up
with no side effects

and no memory at all
of the previous few minutes.

Bullshit, the CIA
doesn't have that technolo--

But before
I can tranquilize him,

I need access
to the prince, so--

Uh, and just so we're clear,

he's the prince of Durhan,
an allied country.

Yeah, I'm gonna refer you back
to operation said so.

Everybody else, these are
your mission dossiers.

Read them on the way
to Tunt Manor.

Tunt Manor? That's my house!

I know!

And the prince is on his way there.

So we're going there,
and because you know the property,

you'll be posing
as the listing agent!

Shut up!

Well, just in case
I don't read this...

What are the rest of us
gonna be doing?

Some of you will be assisting
me and/or Miss Tunt.

The rest of you will be distracting
the prince's security team

and/or his mother...

Her Majesty, Queen Yasmin Fawaz.

Whoa, shit.


I just heard you get hard.


They were goat feet,

and you threw 'em out!

Ah, damn you!

God damn you all to hell!

So... the van's

Turn around.
Now spread your arms.

I do apologize for this
necessary precaution,

Oh, uh--

what do I always tell you?

Never apologize.

It is a sign of weakness.

Yes, mother.

So, Miss...
Uh... Escrow.

My last name is Escrow.

Yes, and trust me,
I've heard all the jokes.

Oh, boy.

Okay, chinstrap, let me see what
we got on the other cameras.

Bathroom one, bathroom
two, bathroom three,

bathroom four,
bathroom five--

Are all the cameras
in bathrooms?

No. Just my faves.

Bathroom six,
bathroom seven, bathr--

Shoulda gotten some poison ones.

Okay, people, I want you in
position in five minutes.

You should've thought of that before
you picked these ridiculous costumes,

and why are your plans
always so complicated?

You're like Wile E. Coyote with access
to predator drones. Out.

I think these uniforms
are awesome!

Here, let me get
some pics of you!

To masturbate to?

Pfff, please.


Can somebody explain
to me why the CIA

is spying on American allies?

Well, Ray, there were these
things called dinosaurs,

and when they died,
they turned into oil, somehow,

and that's what
your car uses for food.

Thanks, Al.


Look, for all we know,
Slater wants all that stuff

because the CIA is trying
to protect the royal family.

From what?


Yes, sinister cabals!

I bet the royal palace
is lousy with them.

So instead of trying to
undermine the mission...

Don't undermine it!

What the heck got into him?

More like what he wants
to get into,

which, obviously,
the queen's vagina.


Or wherever else.

Although she didn't look
like a Back Dorothy.

Well we'll just see
about that...

The part about Archer
having sex with the queen,

not the part about the queen
being into anal sex. Who knows?

This is eerily similar

to my spec script for Masterpiece Theater.
Your what?

Well, I guess
technically it's fanfic.

Bringing us to the formal
dining room, which seats 80,

with plenty of room
for servants to skulk around,

Ladling turtle soup
into sterling silver bowls,

their sullen eyes downcast
as grandmamá makes a joke

about chopping off their hands

if they spill
even a single drop,

like we used to do
in the Belgian Congo.

Hm. And how about
that chandelier, huh?

But I wouldn't wanna dust it!

An opinion apparently
shared by the staff

about the rest the furnishings.

If this were my palace, I'd--

What did I tell you, wench?

Stop right there!
Who are you?

I am... Butler.

The butler.

Wait, your name
is Butler, or--?

And I've heard every joke!

My sincere apologies,
Your Majesty,

for the deplorable state
of the house.

Good help is difficult to find,

as I'm sure
Your Majesty well knows.

What I know, you impudent toad,

is that if a servant dared
speak to me in my palace,

I would have him sewn into
a burlap sack filled with rats,

and the sack thrown
into the river.


Well slapped, Your Majesty.

Come! Let's get
this over with

so I can bathe off
all this filth and grime.

Oh, my God,
can you believe this?


My commission is gonna be huge!

Come, you foolish woman!

Coming, My Majesty!

Now, is anyone allergic
to ocelots?

Oh, that's right, Babou!

Ow, man,
what a hate-slappin' bitch.

Yeah, I gotta have sex with her.
Wait, what?

But I thought you and Lana
were kinda, you know...

Kinda, you know, what?
What'd she say?

Well, nothing, but--
See? Classic Lana!

So what, you're gonna try
to bang the queen

just to make Lana jealous?

That'll just be icing

- on what I assume will be
an extremely moist cake... - Blorp.

Because I've had sex
with a baroness,

a marquise, a vicomtesse,
the two princess sisters,

um, a duchess--

Your mom's dog?

The wife of a duke?

Yes, but I've never had sex
with a queen.

Yasmin would be my greatest
masterpiece, Pam, my-- hang on...

Moaning Lisa.

Dammit, I was gonna say that.

Girl with a pearl necklace.

The potato eaters.

Stop it!
But wait.

Why are you telling me
your plan to not make Lana jealous?

I dunno, I--
Oh, my god, Pam,

I think you
might be my best friend.

You're my best friend!

What about Cheryl?

You're my second best friend!

Oh, my God...

Eh, I thought by now
I'd be doing a lot better

in the old friend department.

I thought by now I'd be dead.

Well, day's not over...


He what?

I mean-- so what?

Well, I just figured
you'd wanna know.

No, you just figured
it would make me jealous,

but, spoiler alert,

I don't give a shit
who Archer bangs.

Well, yeah, no, but if you did,

and you wanted
to make Archer jealous...

Then I'd go break my pussy off

on that hot little
prince's merguez.

Exactly, that's what I'm--
Wait, what?

Which, come to think of it,

would be what my vagina
refers to as a "win-win."

But wait a minute!
Love to, can't,

got a pussy to break.

Well, that backfired.

Or did it?

Yes, yes, it most certainly did.

Okay, people, listen up.

If you're not in position,

you'd better get there
A.S.A.P. because--

Uh, what's that?

Because right about now,

Cheryl should be leading
the Durhanis into...

The world-renowned

Where Gillette should be ready
with a transdermal solution

of the most powerful
laxative known to man.

I-- dammit,
I had something for this--

Wait, was it
something about Dukes?

The Tunt Conservatory
is home to the world's

second largest collection
of carnivorous plants,

the shame of which drove

the current owners'
eccentric great-uncle,

Theophilus Tunt,
to commit suicide.

Or maybe it was
just the syphilis.

We may never know,

and, frankly,
it's none of our b--


I'm sorry, Your Majesty,

I don't know what's wrong,
but I need to--


How dare you?

Well slapped, His Majesty.

Now, if you will
follow me, into the--

Please, Your Majesty! I cannot wait!

I told you idiots that wasn't
the real famous Ray's!

A thousand pardons.
Foolish woman! Where is a bathroom?

Where isn't a bathroom?

Am I right?

All kidding aside, though,
the house does have

22 full
and 18 half-baths,

all boasting priceless
grueby faience tilework,

as well as--

cucumber water bidets!

Now, if your assorted majesties and
highnesses will please follow me...

To elevator number three, where
whats-her-face should be standing by...

10-4 on the 20,
come back.

Stop it!
She will bring the prince upstairs,

where Archer and Lana are
waiting to bring him to me--

What? Wait, what?

What's that?

Are you in position?

Yeah, I am...

So I'm not really sure

why you're using
that pissy tone with me--

Unless I sound like Lana,

who is-- hang on--

looking around the position,

and she is...

not in position.
Well, where the hell is she?

Yeah. Stand by?

Jeez! Ow!

What's that?

Hey, speaking of Lana
and positions...

Cyril, I either can't or merely
don't want to talk right now, so--

Cowgirl? Wheelbarrow?
Butter churn?

Okay, Gollum, you have won
the game of riddles.

The gold ring is yours!

Lana and the prince, you idiot!

I-- wait, what about
Lana and the prince?




So, that backfired...

Maybe I should work
on my timing.

Please... someone...
Just kill me...

Be careful what you wish for!

if it's claustrophobic,

manually-operated elevators!

Because this is what
you would get.

And I am embarrassed to say

that I have room
for only one passenger.

Where, in your belly?


I shall take His Highness,

and then I shall
speedily return for--

Your Majesty.

Oh, my God.

Damn, Gina.

If it please Your Majesty,
take the elevator.

I will escort His Highness
upstairs via...

a more scenic route.

Out of the question!

I don't want him alone

Mother, this sounds
like a win-win.

but I'm supposed to--

Woman, I will kill you where you stand!

Which, by law
I'm required to tell you,

if there's been a murder
in the house--

oh, but if you
were the murderer...

That's what I love
about this job!

You learn something
new every--

Mother, please!

Fawad, habibi, I shall meet
you upstairs momentarily.

Mind you, do not tarry.



What the hell?

Where is everybody?
Here! Present!

Hey, where's Lana?
What the--

Well, she's not in here,

which is where you also
shouldn't be!


Why aren't you in position?

Because, Slater,
there's a--

a problem with
your tranquilizer gun.

What problem?

It goes off for, like,
no reason.

Where's Lana?
I'm not even a hundred percent sure

where I am right now, so--

You are hands down
my new favorite thing.

Hello? Anybody?
What the-- Ray?

Is that you?
Yeah, I need--

Good, get off,
keep this channel open.

No, I need you guys to--
Keep this channel open!

God, these people.
Always "me, me, me."

Hey, pretty girl...

Or boy, or gender-fluid,

or however
you self-identify,

it's all good.

Although that being said...


Okay, let's do this!

Whats-yer-face, Pam,
what's your--

What the shit?
What's that?

Hey, you.

What the hell
are you people doing?

Thinking about some breakfast,
am I right?

Oh, my God, chilaquiles?

What the--? Where the hell
is my tranquilizer gun?

Your what?

Your Highness?

Could you help me in here,

And so, beckoned by the servant,

a powerful negress giant,
Fawad entered the boudoir

and soon became a man...

I seem to have fallen.

I-- I seem
to see that...

Can you help me up...

or vice versa?

I think perhaps both?

Or rather, both,
ideally, would be--

Hello? Prince?

Kid, c'mon, I mean, I know I've been
crushing the post-natal yoga, but--

did you have a stroke?


You honestly thought you were
so physically attractive

that you caused a healthy
young man to literally--

to literally...
have a, um... uh...



Well, you better hope I get all
this shit scanned before he wakes--

What's that? I couldn't hear you
over the sound of--

Seriously, just yoga?
He said, jealously.

Oh, my God, if anybody's
jealous, it's you.

Hang on, shut up,
I have something for this...

Lana Cougar Mellencamp!

Look at him!
He's a child!

He's 21! I think!

Which is more than I can say
for most of your sexual partners!

What? I-- that-- I mean, even if that were
technically true, it's--

It's what, painfully obvious

that the reason you try
to drag your dick

through every attractive
woman you meet

is because you're not over me?

Oh, my God!

And just when their anger
reaches a fever pitch,

in walks Figgis.

I can't even formulate
a response to that!

Because you can't argue
with the truth!

I can! And if anybody's
not over anybody, it's you!

With your-- your--
your-- your-- your--


Um, excuse me?

Jesus, my ear balls!


So, here's the thing with that...

I'll be seein' you two later...



So... not great.

Uh, could be worse.

Coming, Your Majesty!

Case in point.

Yeah, they are gonna
kill everybody.

Well, dammit!
I'll have to disclose that!

Will somebody do something?

Yeah, Lana, get his pants off.

Inappropes, honey.

Wait, were they screwing?

Hey! If anybody tells
mother about this, I'll--

Wait, what?
What the shit?

You idiots! What did you do?
Hey, whoa! First of all,

your plan was way too complicated.
Maybe for you people!

It had everything but a sign
for free bird seed,

and second of all...

What the--?

Huh. I was wondering how many rounds
this little guy held...

Oh, my God, we're gonna die.

I gotta get outta here!

If they find out
the CIA was behind this,

it'll be
an international incident!

Yeah, God forbid
you guys get caught.

Hello, front desk?
Watergate Hotel?

This is the Bay of Pigs,
in room 61.

Could you send up 1,500
poorly-trained Cuban exiles?

Ooh, and ice!

You done?

Yes, that's right,
and a bucket of ice.

Hmm? What's that? No, we won't
be needing any air cover.

Click. Now I'm done.

Then can we--
Carol, I'm assuming all the bedrooms

are connected
to secret passages?

Yeah, so that at night
grandfather could...

look in on the children.


Okay, everybody in,
and make sure you swing by

and get Krieger and Ray
on your way out.

Yeah, where is Ray?

Well, I gotta hand it to you...

Wait, what about you guys?

Uh, we're going to...

Um... uh...

Beat 'em off--
hold them off,

so you guys can get away, to--

or wherever.


Okay, so obviously
we'll need to talk

about what just happened,

so... um...


Or wherever.

Your Majesty!

What in the...

Your Highness!
Your Majesty!

You're alive!
Tear this place apart!

And when we find
these American pigs,

they will eat their own eyes
before we kill them!

Oh, my God...

Lana! It's like--
it's like

the danger makes
it that much hotter!

Yeah, yeah, that,
plus your dick!



Oh, my God...

Well, I hope you're all pleased

with yourselves...

because thanks
to your latest fiasco,

after he makes a formal
protest at the U.N. tomorrow,

the Durhani ambassador is being recalled. was all Slater's fault.

Sterling, I swear to God...

Malory it was, he--
And why are you taking Sterling's side?


Shut up!

Slater's plan was just--

And I was counting on that commission,
and now the homeowners

are taking the house
off the market.

You do realize you're the homeowner.
Still though.

Oh, shut up, and unless there's
anything else,

you can all get out.

Actually, there is one
other thing.


I think Ray deserves a hand.

God dammit!

Oh, come on, we were
all thinking it...

Cause you got no freaking hand, stupid!