Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 8 - The Kanes - full transcript

Lana introduces Archer to her parents; Archer introduces Lana's parents to high-speed chases.

[Lana] No, I just wanna make sure
we're both totally clear about this.

Yes, Lana, you've made it totally,
very nearly insultingly, clear.

Because this is only my parents
meeting their grandchild.

And oh, by the way...

this is her father.

Yeah, it's--
It's not "meet my boyfriend,"

it's not, "meet
my future husband."

Nobody's guessing
who's coming to dinner.


[A.J. crying]
[Lana] So, just to be clear,

we're clear?
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!
Hey! Shut up!

Sir, is there a problem here?
Yes! Where the hell have you been?

Here. And if you want to
save yourself some trips,

let's uh, make it a pitcher.
Uh, we don't even have pitchers.

Well, then, I don't know
what to tell you.

Maybe rinse
out a little trash can.

Also, my parents
aren't big drinkers?

[Archer] Yeah, they're
like huge nerds, right?

Uh, no.
They're academics!

"Tomato, Tomato."

My mom, Claudette, is a professor
of public policy at U.C. Berkeley,

with a focus on feminist issues.

Glad I didn't waste suitcase
space on that barrel of monkeys.

Shut up. And my father,
Lemuel, is a microbiologist--

who might be up for the Nobel Prize.
Holy shit.

Yeah, right?
[laughs] Right!

What happened to you?

Oh, and one more,
like, "tiny thing."

[cans rattling]

Swear to God. Last one till dinner.
[opens zip-top]

Not that.
Although what the shit?

I'm actually kinda nervous.
Ugh. [sighs]

Me too, actually,

because my parents think
I'm still working on my PhD...

at Columbia.

In environmental science.
[laughs] What?

They don't know you're a spy?

No! And if you tell them I am,
I will literally murder you--

wait-- in front of
our very own infant child.


So, serious up,

because they're not crazy about
this whole arrangement, so--

Serious up.

Lana, once I meet them,
I'm sure they'll find me

[British accent]
...utterly charming.

You have met them.

Yes, he's getting
his master's, too,

and he's nice--
and I said that already,

and... I'm sure he's just...
caught in traffic.

Hmm. He could have
walked here by now.

If it's gonna be
that kind of party,

etcetera, etcetera--
mashed potatoes!

Oh, whoo!

[glass tinkling]

[dishes shattering]

Oh, did they find me utterly charming?


Look who's here!

Let me have my grandbaby!

Uh-- and, um,
you remember Archer?

Yes, of course.
We've got the mashed potatoes

just the way
you like 'em--


♪♪ [theme]

[A.J. crying]
[Claudette cooing]

Oh, Lana. You have made
a beautiful baby.

Well, we sort of both--

...would agree
with that statement.

Lana can speak for herself.

So? Any news?
Um... I had a baby?

Oh, honey, I'm talking
about your studies.

Yes, Lana. When on Earth are you
planning to finish your dissertation?

Yeah, Lana.
Don't do that...

because you're taking your time as well.

What is it you're studying?

Medieval Slavic History.

Really? Well, that
must be fascinating!

Well, everybody thinks
that, but--

So, tell me: what are your thoughts
on the Battle of Kosovo of 1389?

No opinion.
Well, not even as it applies to the rise

of modern Serbian nationalism?
Mm... nope.

Also, that's a bit reductionist.

But enough about you.
Am I right?

Daddy, tell us about
your research.

Well, algae is
always challenging!

Just ask a flip-flop.

Don't do that.

His research is going
extremely well.

And, in the near future,
you may be spending

a lot less time and money
at gas stations.

You're buying us motorcycles?

No! Daddy's been working on--

Mom, it's fine.
Archer is, um--

Lana, it's okay,
you can say "family."

I-- Well, I thought I could, but
I honestly don't know if I can.


[crying] Great, now
you've made the baby cry.

That was you!
Lana, here, take the child.

I'm not sure which end
needs attention,

but while you check on that,

your father and I
will check on dinner.

And I will check on...
that hot tub.

[Pam] Seriously?

Are you frickin' serious?
[engine sputtering]

Um... yes. [engine stops]

[Pam] Oh, my God!
[Cyril] Dammit, Krieger!

So, now we gotta forfeit
league night?

How the hell
did you run out of gas?

Yeah, especially in--

where even are we?

Mm... Brownsville?

[Cyril] Hey, whoa.
It may be a bit rundown,

but there's no need
to be racist.

No, not because
of African-Americans.

Brownsville's just the name,

Yeah, which doesn't
really make sense

because this all used to be Jewtown.

Whoa, not cool, dude.

Oh, please, you people
invented racism.

Also you're just
a reconstructed light-field,

produced by firing a laser
through a beam-splitter.


Yeah, dude, not cool.

[Archer] Hot!

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot...

[Lemuel] How is it?

Oh, it is hot, Lem.
Can I call you Lem?

Of course you may, absolutely,

but it's actually
pronounced Doctor Kane.

[Archer] Ah.




Well, Lana's feeding the baby.
How is it?

Actually almost too hot, now that you, um--

I'm actually gonna
hop out, so--

You stay right there.

[clears throat]

[Claudette] Mm...

Isn't this just so relaxing?

Is it?

Well, nudity
is our natural state.

He's not nude.

Then why are you in here?

I was just asking myself
the same--

That's ridiculous,
you have to be naked.

Otherwise it's pointless.
Is it?

Trunks, young man, trunks.

Um... 'kay...

There, now that's not so hard,
is it?

So, do you guys
do phrasing, or...?

And now that we're all
skyclad, as they say,

we have something very special

we'd like to share with you.

Wait, what?

But just between us three,

there's no reason
to tell Lana about it.

No, she might not...

[inhales] Oh, God...

Okay, but just so you know,

I've never worn a condom, ever,

and Lem, obviously the implicit
agreement between you and I,

is that at no time
will our penises touch,

but I'd also appreciate it

if you didn't make eye contact,

you know... with me...

Did I...
misread th--

[Lana] No.

No. You do not talk.

In fact, first thing tomorrow,

you're going to the vet to
have your vocal chords clipped.

How about just put to sleep?

[Archer] Because who
gets in a hot tub naked

with an almost
complete stranger?

Because everybody!
Because Berkeley!

That's-- how does an entire
city get a pass

on acceptable behavior?

[Lemuel] Acceptable behavior?

This, from the man
who just tried

to have a threesome
with me and my wife?

I was being polite!

Wh--? How is that polite?

Because I thought
that's what they wanted!

They said they wanted to share
a special secret with me, so--

Wait, what special secret?

Why is he even still here?

Look, the man's an ass-bucket.

[Claudette screams]

What the--?
Hey don't look at me, I'm not--

The baby!
Oh, shit!

Oh, dear God...
[Lana] Mom?

[Lemuel] Claudette?
I'm in here,

in the study!

Where's A.J.?

She's fine,
she's upstairs, but--

What the hell happened?

[Lemuel] Oh, my God...
my research!


All my research...

my data, my notes!
All my samples!

All my years of work!
It's all gone!

Why would anybody want mildew?

[car engine starts]

Oh, my God, are you shitting me?

With a baby in the house?

Why do you have a gun?
What, seriously?

For this.


[A.J. cries]

[sighs] Great.

Lana, what is the meaning
of this?

Why does he have a gun?

Okay, so--
Whoa, whoa, whoa-- C'mon,

are we not even gonna address
how amazing that shot was?

Not now, Archer, I'm--

[car door opens]


Yeah, so listen,
if you wanna catch those guys

and get your
mildew back--

It's algae.

Yeah, take that tone.

You got a car?

but, but, but--

Get your shit together, Lem!

Be a lamb and watch the baby?

[car engine starts]

Lana, this is all just crazy,
why does he have a gun?

And why is he driving?
I should be driving!

No, Daddy, Archer should drive.

He's actually
pretty great at it.

[teeny tiny,
Beaker-like noises]

When he's not busy ejaculating.

Not in my Mustang, you don't!

But, seriously,
what's wrong with him?

Guys, this is, this is
the-- the car from--

Bullitt, we know,
and if you'd go already,

maybe later I'll dress up
like Steve McQueen for you!

Ew, that's not even
what it's about.

Plus your hands are too big.

But speaking of McQueen,

if there was ever a time
to wear the Tactleneck--

Okay! Hang on!

[Lemuel] Easy, easy!

[Krieger] Easy...


[Pam] Will you shut up?

We're only going
one mile an hour!

If that! Jesus...

Aw, shush and push!

You guys all better
be pushing back there!

We are!
[Cheryl] I am pushing.

Swearsies, realsies.
I push.

Son of a bitch...

then I dunno why this heap
of shit's not going faster.

Well, first of all,
I think you mean

heap of bitchin',
and second of all, hang on.

[brake moves]
[Pam] Wh--?

the frickin' brake was on?

[Cheryl laughs]

Dammit, Archer!

[Archer] Whoo!
[Lana] Archer!

[Lemuel] You're going
too fast, you idiot.

[Archer] Idiot? Who kept his
life's work in his frickin' house,

apparently without any kind
of backup whatsoever?

Uh, yeah, that's actually
a good point.

I couldn't keep
my work at the lab.

It's potentially worth billions!

People would literally
kill for it!

[gunfire] Whoa, Whoa.

Case in point.

Well, even if I'm not family...

Oh, my God, okay...

What's the deal with this algae?

I found a way to use
it as bio-fuel!

Am I supposed to know
what that means, or...?

As a replacement
for fossil fuels!


Oh, my God--

[Lemuel] Under the right conditions,
the algae reproduce infinitely,

and the only by-product
of burning it, is water.

Holy shit, I'm surprised
nobody's killed you already.

[Lemuel] That's why I had to
keep my research a secret.

[Lemuel] Can you imagine what this
will mean to Big Oil? Or OPEC?

Well, there's no need to be racist.
How is the acronym

for the Organization of Petroleum
Exporting Countries racist?

Oh, that's what that means?

[All] Oh!


This is an American icon!

You Philistines!

Hey, I know, let's, um--
uh-- teabag Dr. Seuss.

Yeah, great idea. I'll hold him down.

Look here, Archer, I've told
you about my research.

How about telling me why
the hell you carry a gun?

Yeah speaking of, I'm out.

Lemme hold yours
while you reload me.

Hold your what?

Lana, come on!
Zona peligrosa!

What is he talking about?


What in the--?
Lana Anthony Kane!

Okay, so--
[Archer laughing]

After Susan B.!

Oh, right,
our ugliest president.

Lana, why the hell
do you have a gun?

That's not how we raised you!

[Lana] I know, Daddy. I know.

[Lana] So, about my PhD...


How is this funny?

What, seriously?

Um, in every possible way.

[Lemuel] You're a spy?

[Lana] Yes, but I can explain!

Oh, you're going to explain lying
to me and your mother all these years.

and could you please
not drive my Mustang

like a complete

Okay, Lem, I think maybe
you're transferring a little.

You're not angry at me.
You're angry at Lana.

I'm well aware
of at whom I'm angry!

But thank you for reminding him.

Yeah, think of me as a mediator.

And spying for whom, exactly?

I hope to God
it's at least for America!

Who else would I be spying for?
How should I know?

All of a sudden I'm talking
to a total stranger!

Lana? How does
that make you feel?

Like I'm gonna shoot you?

Yeah, get in line.

Daddy, of course it's America.

Long story short, these days

we're sort of,
contractors for the CIA.

The CIA?
Did you just drop in on your way to overthrow

a democratically elected
government somewhere?

Lem, let's try to avoid using sarcasm.
I wasn't.

You see? This is why
I never told you!

[Lana] I knew you
wouldn't understand!

[Lemuel] Because you could've
been a great scientist, Lana!

How could you just throw away
your God-given talent?

But it wasn't my talent,

You and Mom just wanted
it to be.

Oh, come on, now.

You used to love going
to all those science fairs!

I used to hate it!

Remember, I always threw up
in the car on the way there?


I'm sorry...

Oh, goddammit--

[Lemuel] From excitement!

[Lana] From terror, but
I was always so afraid

of letting you and Mom down,
that I--

[tearing up] I couldn't
ever tell you how I felt.

Hey. C'mon, now. You could
never let us down, honey.

I-- I hope you know that.

Oh, Lana,

we'll always be proud of you,
and we'll always love you,

even when you make stupid,
stupid, stupid choices,

like him.

[Archer] Well, I think we've
made some real progress here,

and I'd say, we've got about

30 seconds before
the engine locks up,

so does anyone
have a plan? Anyone?

Guys, c'mon, there's
no dumb ideas.

[Cheryl gasps]

What if we grease the tires?

How would that possibly help?

Hey, yeah, toss out all your empties,
that will get rid of some weight, huh?

Toss out... everything!

We've gotta get rid of
some of this weight!

[Cyril] Well, the speakers
are obviously the--

For the love of God, man,

are you quite literally insane?

[speaks in Japanese] Shut up.

What about all these
bowling balls?

What? Yes, you ding-dongs!

Throw out the goddamn
bowling balls!

Okay! Jesus!


[glass shatters]


And that's how they all died.

That's your plan? To ram it?

[Archer] Yeah, it's
called a pit maneuver,

[Archer] I've done it,
like, a million times.

Like, three times.

And Daddy, when they crash,

they're probably gonna
come out firing,

so get down on the floor,
and stay there!

What about you?
Don't worry about me.

This is what I do, [gun clicks]

and I'm actually pretty
great at it.

Shut up.

Daddy, floor.

Okay, hang on!

Actually wait, hang on.

Lem, what was the special thing?

[Archer] In the hot tub!

Archer, I think the less said

about the hot tub incident,
the better!

Shut up. what's
the special thing

you two wanted to share with me?

The Kane family reunion!

Wait, what?

we do it every year, it's huge,

and we told her
to invite you, but--

Lana, the man may be a total idiot,

but he is the father
of your child.

Yeah, Lana!

So are we talking like,
a barbecue, or--?

Okay! Lana!

And if it's a barbecue,
are the Kanes a brisket crowd,

or pulled pork?

[sighs] Lame.

[Pam] Don't shoot!

Don't shoot!

Please, don't-- Darryl?

Oh, my God,

I used to beat this bitch's ass

at fight club, like,
all the time!

- Sup?
- Hey, guys.

Pff, like, three times.

Now, what're you doin'
bowling bowlin' balls

in the damn street?

Long story, funny story,

and I'll tell you guys
all about it over beers

at the nearest titty bar, my treat.

Titties ain't gonna fix my car, poovee.

No, but Beard McBoggeyes over there will

and he'll install
a nitrous tank,

so you don't have to drive
around town like a giant pussy.

Won't ya, Krieger?

Yep, yep, yep!

So c'mon, let's go make
it rain Pammy.

What about them?

Honestly don't care.

Archer, cover me!

Wait, what?

What the--?


With a baby in the house?

We didn't know you were there,

which was obviously an
operational failure on our end.

[Archer] Yeah, Ethan!

And don't be shitty, Archer,
you dick.

You killed one of my guys.

Yeah, was that shot not insane?

What is insane is the CIA stealing
my father's research, Slater!


Because, Dr. Kane,
your research has jeopardized

our national security.

What? What do you mean?

Because if you think the
Middle East is messed up now,

just wait until nobody
needs their oil.

Man, you guys
are so big picture...

No, wait, you can't--

that was a lifetime of work
for my father!

Yeah, yeah. Dr. Kane,

do you have online banking?

I-- yes,

So, if you wanna go ahead
and check your account balance?

[phone beeps]

Well, I can tell you right now,

this doesn't
come anywhere close--

That amount,

every month,
for the rest of your life.

Every month?
Well, Mr. Slater, I--

I think we've
got ourselves a deal.

Daddy, no!

What about the algae,
so we don't have to burn

fossil fuels?

Honey, forget
about fossil fuels.

We're gonna be able
to burn money.


What, like in general?

Because yes.

[Lana] So, listen...

I wanna thank you,
for trying to save

my dad's research,
and even though

I'm obviously
still furious about

the hot tub incident,
and will be, probably,

for years to come,

I can see how you--
you, Archer,

could have misconstrued
the situation,

and even though it's kinda
hard for me to admit it,

you are family to me,
and not just because of A.J.

and I realize now that I should
have invited you to the family reunion, so

I'm sorry.

Sorry that I hurt your feelings.

Well, thanks.

I accept your apology.

Sorry I tried to spit-roast
your mom.