Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - Nellis - full transcript

"No Fly" and "No Train" list Archer calls Cheryl to send Sky Tunt to pick up his drunk, broke self from Las Vegas. The plane arrives with Ray flying and Pam, Krieger, Cyril and Cheryl all sipping their cocktails in the cabin. They fly over Area 51 and air-to-surface missiles cause Ray to crash-land at Nellis AFB. Meanwhile, Lana is stuck with Malory, who has no ice for her cocktails. Will Archer be able to pull off "Q Clearance" at Nellis and keep the crew from a whiff of nerve gas? The Nellis Officer's Club and Bar will never be the same.


Ugh, da voi accepta
La naiba, cine este? Cancer?

Cred ca e domnul Archer.
Buna Ziua?

Carol, hey, shut up.
I need your help.

And that's how you ask?
Wait, Pam? Is that you?

- Yes. - Great, shut up, because
I'm talking to Carol,

and Carol, here's the deal...
let me guess. You're all butt-hurt

because Lana hired some
Pakistani dude to shoot you,

so you went to Vegas, and now you're
drunk and broke outside a casino,

and you want me to wire
a thousand dollars

to buy you a plane ticket
and a pre-flight whore.

Okay, I'm gonna list everything you
just said that's totally wrong. A...

Not outside a casino, so...

Okay, it's gonna sound
like I'm hanging up? But...

No. No. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
C'mon, I really need your help.

Okay, where do I send the...

Hang on! Make him beg!

Pam, goddamn it, I said shut up!

You shut up! Jesus, I'm sending you the
money for your stupid plane ticket!

Which would be great...

If I were not on the no-fly list.

How did you get
on the no-fly list?


Help! Get it off!

I wanna fly the plane!

You know, who knows? It's the government.
That's not important...

What is important
is getting me home.

Ugh, fine, then I'll send money
for a stupid train ticket.

Which would also be great...

I wanna fly the train!

Wow, I had no idea there
was a "no-train" list.

Well, neither did I,

but apparently there is, and before
you ask, the answer is no, Carol.

A thousand times no.

I will not... I cannot ride the bus.

Stop! Goddamn it, I said no!

Simone, I swear to God, I will rub

your own remaining teeth
in your eyes!

You ain't got...

So. I don't care what it costs me,
financially or self-respectfully,

but I need you
to do me a big favor.

Oh, thank you!
Thank you, God!


Archer, you look like shit.


And obviously thank you, too.

Asmodeus, destroyer of men.

All I needed was an airplane!

So why is it full of you idiots?

I wasn't going to sit
around the office all by myself!

Because one of us needed

some multi-engine time
for his pilot's license...

And one of us would go pretty
much anywhere to piss off your mother.

Hello. Hello? Son of a...

Fine! Then I'll
just get my own ice!

No. I'll drink it neat.

And me and Krieger are all about
going to Branson! Booyah!

And I assume Branson is some sort of
all-one-cares-to-eat establishment?

You're kidding, right?
Say what?

It's only the biggest country music
tourist destination in the world!

Wait a minute, is this about Cherlene?

She has no memory
of any of that.

Wait, what? You don't remember being the
number one country singer in America?

Pfff, okay...

Besides, Branson isn't
just country music!

There's Tony Orlando,

the comedy stylings
of Yakov Smirnoff!

How do you not know
about Branson?

I guess the same reason I don't know
what grits are, or... hush puppies!

Are you serious?
Oh, my God.

Hush puppies are little balls
of fried cornmeal batter.

Not really, though.

Well, and also shoes.

Well thank you, Cyril. I was just
angry, now I'm confused and angry.

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is captain Ray Gillette, welcoming
you aboard from the flight deck.

Flight time to Branson
is about three hours.

No it isn't!
Shut up! And in the meantime,

if you look out
the left side of the cabin...

you can just make out Nellis Air
Force base, home to... Area 51!

Wait, what?

Hey, watch it! Ow!
Man, I can't see it!

See what? What's Area 51?
What's Area...

Are you shitting me?
Everybody knows about Area 51!

Yeah, even me, and I didn't even know
they made shoes out of cornbread.

It's where the government keeps all the
aliens that have crashed on earth.

Well, allegedly, but...

Oh, my God.
Cyril, shut up.

Oh, so you believe
the United States government

is actually harboring
extra-terrestrial life-forms

at an air force base
in the Nevada desert.


Get in closer,
I can't see jack dick!

No, this is good.

That airspace is all
extremely restricted, so...

- Oh come on, you pussy!
- For the love of God, man!

Well, maybe a little closer.

Whoa, hang on,
what're you doing?

And what are you wearing?

It was in the crew locker.
I think it looks pretty sharp.

- Really?
- Ray, get closer!

- Pam, shut up!
- Make her!

- Look, Ray, I know you don't do well
with peer pressure... - Wha-a-a-aa?

Teacup pig.
Oh. Yeah.

And how big was Li'l Hamlet when
you finally had to get rid of him?

He was up there.

Like three hundred
shit-covered pounds.

But seriously, Ray. Don't
dick around with the air force.

That's a top-secret base down there and
they've got surface-to-air missiles, so...




What? God...
Damn it!


Goddamn it.
Everybody hang on!

God damn it!

I said, hang on.

Ya know...

Jesus Christ, Ray, do something!

Besides fly the goddamn plane?

Oh, you're already... sorry, I didn't
know what the deal was, if you...

I think I can land it!
But I gotta... put it down... at Nellis!

Where the missiles are coming from?
It's either that or frickin' crash!

Okay, sorry, just making sure there's
not a third option we haven't...

Get out!

Are we gonna die?

Not today, gorgeous, not today.

I mean, probably today,

Everybody! Calm down!

Ray says he can
land us at Nellis!

You mean right at Area 51?

Yes, Pam! Happy?

I mean... yes?

But who needs ice?

It's perfectly fine without ice.

Just ask Europe.


Come in dear, what're
you doing? Come in here.


Hello dear, drink?
Uh, no?

Well, you're not missing much.

No ice.
Not a cube.

And I can't wait to hear
her flimsy excuse this time.

Get out the plane!
Put your hands up!

Get out of the plane now!
Let's go, let's move!

Wow, those guys
look... furious.

Yeah, no shit!
So thank you, Ray!

For what, safely
landing the plane?

What, like that cancels out getting
it shot down in the first place?

You were the one yapping your damn
head off about my damn teacup pig!

Who I hope to see
on my next BLT!

Well too bad, because he...
went to... live on a...

A farm! Exactly!

So unless that farm had
a magical talking spider...

Yeah, they don't keep 'em
around for their milk.

And I don't know that we're accomplishing
as much as we could be right now.

Hmm. How about now?

Oh my God, I bet it's nerve gas!

Just like they sprayed on Duddy Kravitz
in "Close Encounters"!

Wait, what?
It's not nerve gas, you idiots, it's...

You think the CIA's
above nerve gas?

I... holy shit, that's right, it's the CIA!
I've got Q-clearance!

Wait, what?
What does that even mean?

It means get naked.

C'mon, let's go.
Gun's out, buns out.

Don't shoot!
Hands up, everybody!

We're coming out! Don't shoot!

Do not shoot!

Guys, it's okay, I...

He's got a weapon!
He's got a weapon! Gun!

I've got Q-clearance!

Seriously, is that
even a real thing?

We'll see about that.

What's your
authentication phrase?

Sweet dash forty-four, tender dash
nine, hot dash juicy pork chops!

I didn't pick it.

Authentication checks out, sir.
Says here he's Agent Slater.

Hmph! Well, Agent Slater!

What? Who?
Agent Slater.

Shut up.
How'd you get Slater's codeword?

You mind telling me why in God's
green dick you were in my airspace?

Well, our airspace,
for starters, right?

Since I have
CIA clearance and all.

And not that it's any of
your business, lieutenant...

Colonel. Lieutenant Colonel, but
during transport of these prisoners...

black site, pretty icky stuff.

They attempted to overpower me, forcing
my pilot to make an emergency landing,

but before he could radio your tower
for permission to land, boom!

And then... well,
you know the rest.

Is this true?

He's Israeli! So, just Hebrew. Unless...

Reds Yiddish? Nisht?

So no, just Hebrew.

Then how was he gonna
radio the tower?

Which, I mean... yeah, exactly, and
if I spoke Hebrew I would ask him.

- Well... - R-right after I ask your
wife and kids about you,

but they don't know, they
haven't seen you in a year.

They think you ran off
with a stripper,

when in reality you are
literally climbing the walls

of a farmhouse in Virginia
somewhere, out of your mind on LSD,

compliments of the CIA and MK-Ultra.
Jesus Christ...

So while you're finding me
a new airplane, Air Force guy,

we're gonna need some sort
of shuttle to...

I assume you have an officer's club?

Jeeps! Gimme two jeeps up here, on the
double! Jeeps, goddamn it, jeeps!

Shisn tsvey hozn mit eyn shos.

I'm sorry?

You're sure you
don't want a drink?

Yeah, in the...
low nineties on that.

Suit yourself. So. And how
is our little Abbiejean?

Oh, yeah she's good,
great actually,

and I'm really liking her nanny.

Mm. Hispanic?

She's actually Polish.

Is that supposed to be better?

What? No. They're both...

Abbiejean. That's
from where, again?

Again, it was
my grandmother's name.

Hmm. You know what I think
would be wonderful?

A border moat?
...Is if she had her grandmother's name.

Well yeah, and obviously I talked
to my mother of god, you mean you.


Because they don't have my brands, I
don't even recognize most of these.

Well, maybe instead of worrying
about what cocktails to make...

That's what I'm saying, Cyril. I don't
even know if I can make cocktails!

What the hell's the air force spending
all those kajillions of dollars on?

O'Dublin tequila?
I mean vodka, maybe.

They obviously know their
way around a potato, but...

My point... is maybe you should worry
about what's gonna happen to us

when they find out
you're not Slater!

Cyril, I should worry
about all kinds of shit.

But you know what
they say about stress.

C'mon, anybody?

Exactly, the silent killer.

What is wrong with you?

Jesus, use your talking words!
Just slap her.

Ho, ho, ho, holy shitsnacks!

Did you guys see that?

What are you talking about?

It was, it-it-it...
Just slap him.


Uhh! Where are you going?

Oh! Goddamn it.
Ya think?

Yeah, it's worse than I thought.

We might even have
to use sour mix.

I am talking about Pam
and Krieger running around

a top secret military
installation in their underwear!

When they're supposed
to be prisoners!

Yeah that's no good, huh?
They'll probably shoot them on sight.


Well what, Cyril? Yes, obviously
I'm gonna go after them...

So just calm down, do something
with your hands. Cut some limes.

Security breach, sector nine.

No, but seriously, Cyril.
Cut some limes.

Like, six.

Security breach. Sector nine.

You think that's for us?
I don't know. What sector is this?

What am I, this map?

Oh wait. Aw crap,
this is totally nine!

Eh, could be a coincidence.
Yeah, like just a fire drill.

Although it's probably because they
found that poor kid you clobbered.

You don't think I killed him, do ya?
What am I, a doctor?


So, guess Pam came through here.
Jesus, it's like tracking a bear.

Wait, you're breathing
though, right?

Attaboy, shake it off. Bet you
probably just have brain...


Hey, guys.
Drop it! I said drop it!

It was empty anyway.

The weapon! Drop the weapon!

What, on the floor?
Are you serious?

So hey, you may not know this, since
I assume you get yours for free,

but guns are actually
pretty expensive...

I'm gonna count to three!

Look, count to
whatever you want.

A hundred thousand.


To name my kid after you?

I think it's quite generous.

I think it's quite
batshit insane!

Well, I... and Ron
can afford it and...

I'm not selling you
the naming rights, Malory!

She's not a frickin' bowl game!

Oh... now...

I mean, if it
means that much to you...

I guess maybe Malory
could be her... middle name?


Well, obviously that's not worth a
hundred thousand dollars, but...


22.5, and I want a notarized copy
of the revised birth certificate

on my desk by Friday.

Oh, and christen her in a white church,

and I'll kick in five more.

Real life E.T.'s! My God, I hope we
find them. I have so many questions!

Pff, like what, how to
build a better anal probe?

Right? I bet their anal technology
is light-years ahead of mine.

A light-year's
a unit of length, dipshit.

Well, whatever then...

I... hey ya know what?

I know how far light
travels in vacuum in a Julian year.


Very good, Pamela.

I, that, my, I...
you know my name?

Yes, Pamela.
And yours, Algernop.

But, but, but-but
but-but... English?

Yeah, head. Head.

Pam! I think
he means telepathy.

Holy shit, like in scanners?


No no no, wait!
I have Q-clearance!

Bullshit. Firing in three! Two!

No! Stop it! Look, I'm serious.
Just radio Lieutenant Colonel.

He can straighten
this whole thing out!

Lieutenant Colonel who?

Lieutenant Colonel who.

Oh, my God!

Wow, all right,
this is pretty embarrassing.

I thought that guy
was a lieutenant,

and that his
last name was Colonel.

In three! Two!

Goddamn it, look, I was just
trying to get home from Vegas.

So okay, here,
you can have my weapon.

But I do have some conditions.

Uh, what conditions?

Well... you're
not gonna like 'em.


And not to knock
the air force, but...

good thing you guys
have airplanes.

I got a cousin in the Air Force.

Brian. I should give him a call.

Should we, uh...

Guys, I really feel like
we should be doing something.

- Ugh, we are...
- C'mon, nothing by the drifters?

The tams? The dominoes?
The embers? They call this "Classic Rock."

Pff, what is this, Myrtle Beach?

Ray. Is this Myrtle Beach?

And that, my dear earthlings,

is the key to understanding
the entire universe.

Well, at least
as we understand it.


Ta-take us... with you!

I will, if you shut up!

What the hell, Krieger, did you
shove your dick in a socket?

Did-did... ow!

Krieger, I am in no mood.
Now, get dressed.

Ugh, seriously?

Yes, seriously. We're gonna
walk out of this building,

into a hangar, and steal
an Air Force plane!

And while we're doing that, I could do
with a whole lot less shit from you,

Since all I wanted was a ride home!

On my private jet.
Wh...? Yes!

Can, can-can we talk for a second?
About what happened?

Uh, is that before or after Krieger
sexually assaulted a two-twenty outlet?

"Area 51".

No! You guys!
I swear, they were...

Pam! Seriously, get
your shit together.

We have to go steal a plane from
the United States Air Force.


not as hard
as I would've thought.

Ray! Wie geht's?

Pff, darf min gehn in kolledj?

Yeah? You guys good?
If you want a drink, just... wh...?

Because it's just
de-icing fluid and Tang.

Tell me!
Tell me you saw them!

I... Pam, I saw a blinding
white flash, that's it. No E.T., no Alf...

B-but you believe me,
don't you?

You believe
I'm telling the truth!

Pam, the truth is out there.

So you do believe me?

No! You stupid idiot!

Alrighty then! I think I'm
sufficiently drunk enough, so...

so who's up for Branson?

Realsies, realsies?

This thing have bombs on it?