Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - Sitting - full transcript

Archer is supposed to babysit AJ at his apartment while Lana goes to a yurt to sweat, but she is very nervous to leave AJ with Archer. Slater bursts in with Farooq, whom he introduces as a former Pakistani spy who wants to defect. Slater needs Archer to babysit Farooq while he secures the CIA safe house, but Farooq is apparently a double-agent. Farooq wants to access the ISIS mainframe; he holds AJ in his arms while he holds Archer with a gun. The rest of the ISIS crew plays poker in the break room as Archer introduces Farooq as AJ's "manny." Will there be any hate crimes? Will Auntie Pam swat at planes from the roof? Archer goes from his default setting of half-ass to quadruple-ass in defense of his child.

So, that bag is clothes.

That bag is diapers.
The cooler is breast milk,

- which obviously needs to go in the...
- Where do you buy breast milk?

You don't, Archer. You...

Oh, my god, will you relax?

Here. Have a cold... Wow.

- So no beer?
- Why would I bring beer?

Because you don't want
me drinking liquor?

I don't want you drinking anything!

- What, that's all for her?
- I'll find a sitter.

Lana, relax. I won't
drink while you're gone.

- I take this very seriously.
- Well, or at least Woodhouse does.

- Yeah, and if he was here...
- Wait. What? Where is he?

- Rehab.
- Oh, seriously?

I know. At his age, it's like,
why even bother?

- Well?
- I'm kidding.

It's his annual three days off.

It's normally two, but I let
him roll over one from last year.

Your largesse knows no bounds.

- Well, it's not paid.
- Ugh!

Have you at least
baby-proofed this place?

I don't think a baby can hurt anything.

No, not... Ugh! I mean,
like firearms, for instance.

- Are they stored securely?
- Yes.

- I'll find a sitter.
- Lana, go. A.J.'s in good hands.

I know what I'm doing.
I've read ten Baby-sitters Club books.

- Really?
- Yeah. I'm totally a Kristy,

- with maybe, like, a dash of Claudia.
- Because I won't have my phone.

- So when you realize you can't handle it...
- I won't.

But when you do... please shut up...

this is the main number
at the zen center.

- And a staff member will come and find me.
- In your stupid... What is it, a wigwam?

- It's a yurt.
- Wow. Even stupider.

- Archer, I'm serious.
- Me too.

Paying to spend 24
hours sweating in a yurt

is literally the dumbest
thing you've ever done.

- Oh, I can think of a few more.
- You're right.

Maybe this will help you shed
some of your negative energy.

- My... ?
- Have fun. Say hi to your spirit animal.

Ugh! Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow night.

But I bet you call before then!

I bet I won't.

Holy shit, I gotta wash that down.

See that, A.J.? That was
a teachable moment

about a little thing called
confidence. And contrary to

what you may have heard, you
can never have too much of it.

Or bourbon.
Where's the bourbon?

Okay, I gotta have some
irish, or at least some scotch,

or blended, or...
Jesus Christ, Woodhouse, stock the bar!

Okay, here we go. So we have...
Ugh, tequila and coffee liqueur.

All right. So we can make...
I guess this will be a... Black Mexican?

What? No, that's not racist.

That's what it is. If you added milk,
it would be a white Mexican,

but all we have is breast milk...

Eww, which would make
it a Rusty krieger.

Oh, god. Wow. That is mierda.

And also between us, okay?
Because your mom likes to worry, A.J.,

but she doesn't need to,
because when you're with me, kid,

you're as safe as a bug in a...

- Archer! Help!
- Please help! He's been shot!

Oh, good.

For a second, I thought you were Lana.

Where's the goddamn first aid kit?

Behind the bar.
And quit yelling.


- Why did you hit me?
- 'Cause! Get your shit together!

Get your shit together, man.

- You're the one who's bleeding to death.
- Yeah. From my ears. So shut up!

Everybody shut up,
because, spoiler alert, this is a baby.

And why do you have a baby?

Well, Slater.
When a mommy and a daddy

- love each other very much...
- In your apartment!

- Yeah. Or a motel or a porta-john, or...
- Are you trying to piss me off?

- Not really.
- Well, you are, so...

Why do you keep your
first aid kit in the bar?

Because that's where over
80% of home accidents happen.

- Wow. Really?
- They happen in the bathroom!

Not in my home. Speaking of which,
why are you in it, and who is he?

- Sterling Archer, this is Farooq Ashkani.
- Yeah. Hi.

- Black Mexican?
- What?

Uh, hey, dick, I happen to be Pakistani.


I was offering you a drink,

but all I have is tequila
and coffee liqueur.

I thought you were being racist.

No. If anything, you were, if you
think black or Mexican is an insult.

- My child is actually multiracial, so...
- Hang on. Go back. You speak Urdu?

Huh? Oh. No. No, no.
Just that one phrase.

The only phrase you know in Urdu is,

"no, shit, you
goat-raping pig-devil"?

I thought it mean, "I'm sorry."

Huh. Probably why that
night in a Karachi whorehouse

suddenly went from
pretty bad to much worse.

I'm gonna stop you there.

Somebody should. I mean, this is a baby.

Because time's a bit of a factor.

Until yesterday, Farooq was a
cyberspy for Pakistani intelligence.

But now he wants
to come over to our side.

Are we not on the same side?

- Eh...
- Eh...

Anyway, I was walking
him into a CIA safe house,

but a bunch of his former
colleagues were waiting for us.

I had to shoot our way out of there.

But how did they know where the...

Oh, my god,
could the CIA have a leak?

That's what I said!

Anyway, until I find the leak and
plug it, I need you to babysit him.

And I object to the term "babysit,"
because clearly I am not a baby.

And I'm already babysitting

what clearly is an actual baby, so...

- She sure is. Can I hold her?
- Uh, yeah. Okay.

- But, you know, be careful.
- I got her. There we go.

- Archer, come on.
- No.

- 24 hours.
- No!

- And a hundred grand.
- Yes!

Okay, good. I'll call you
after I deal with the leak,

then you'll bring him
to the new safe house.

- And payment will be...
- By wire transfer. Is that a problem?

No. I just didn't know
if I should bring my sack

- with the big dollar sign on it.
- Just bring him.

And I need to borrow a shirt.

- Farooq?
- Um...

Why do you...
Never mind.

There's a logic to all of it.

Aw, you're absolutely insane.

Crazy son of...

Is he gone?

- Yeah, he's...
- Because he's kind of a dick, right?

- Right.
- And what's the deal with that safe house?

Am I right? Come on.
They should call it a...

Misnomer house.

But this place is safe, though, right?

- Yeah, I mean...
- Yeah, I mean, it's the penthouse.

And I assume that's the only door, so...

Well, except for the terrace, but...

Yeah, so maybe we should lock that?

Hey. Shh.

I was just kind of freaking out, man.

- I just saw a guy get shot.
- Well, if you get her started again,

- you're gonna see you get shot, so...
- Yeah, okay.

- So you have guns here, right?
- Yes. I literally have tons of them.

- Yeah, but...
- Hang on. Not literally, but a lot.

Yeah. Okay.
But on you, I mean, like...

Are you strapped?

Am I strapped?
No, homie, I'm not.

Okay, so you don't have a gun on you,
is what I'm saying.

And "no" is what I'm saying.

- Okay, good.
- Wh...

That's just gonna make
this next part a lot easier.

Well, for me.

Oh, my god. Okay.
Good stuff.

- You had me going there for a second.
- I'm sorry?

I can't believe Lana set this up.
Just so I'd call and ask for help.

And you got Slater in on it?
With the fake blood?

Oh, man. She is pathetic.

What the shit? You shot me!

- I wanted your full attention.
- Well, you nailed it, asshole!

Jesus Christ!
Did Lana pay you extra too shoot me?

Okay, I don't know this Lana, but...

- I'm sorry?
- Yeah. Me too.

She sounds like a real practical joker.

But I assure you, Mr. Archer,
this is all very real.

Hey, hey, now, listen to me, all right?

I don't know what's going on,

- but you're gonna hand me the baby.
- No, Mr. Archer, I am not.

Not until you take me
to your headquarters

so I can access the mainframe computer.

Yeah, I heard you, but
I'm not going anywhere

- until you put it up there.
- Fine. Whatever.

You drive like a gaping dickhole.

So I guess there's no CIA leak.

Nope. My follow team created
a diversion so that Slater

would bring me to you, so
that you would bring me here.

- Just don't hurt her.
- Well, I hope it won't come to that.

- You really, really should.
- Just make sure there are no surpris...

God damn it!

- What the...
- It's Friday night.

- Why the hell are people still here?
- I don't know. I guess it's...

Jeezy petes! An inside straight?

Got three on the hip,
I need four for the weekend.

- I'm going to Hotlanta.
- Have fun, I hope you get hate-crimed.

Hey, whoa!

- Goddamn, woman.
- Seriously.

I'll hate-crime your ass right here.

- You know what?
- Guys, come on.

Can't we have one poker
night without a hate crime?

Okay, A: the thing last
month wasn't a hate crime...

Because I will straight-flush your
brains out the back of your skull!

- It was just a regular crime.
- And obviously now I put my gun

in the time-lock safe
until the game's over.

And so basically, the
only thing keeping you

from murdering each other is
a lack of access to firearms.

- Works for Canada.
- Nothing works for Canada.

Hey guys...

Is... Are you playing strip poker?


- It just gets hot as balls in here.
- Literally.

- Okay, well...
- Hang on! Yeah, literally.

- Right, I just came by because, uh...
- Aha!

Because you need help with the
baby and you can't call Lana,

- so you came to ask one of us for help.
- For your information, Cyril,

I don't need help with
A.J. because I, uh...

Hired a manny.
Hey, I'm... Manny.

- Black Mexican?
- No, thank you, I probably shouldn't.

- Shouldn't what?
- Uh, swarm across the Rio Grande?

- From Pakistan?
- Where's Woodhouse?

My guess, Avenue D.
Anyhoo, we just, um, gotta grab...

Some baby stuff.
So, we're gonna go do that. Manny?

Good luck with your... hate-cards?

Pff, go back to Canada, Guy Lafleur.

Okay, ante up, ya
goat-raping pig devils!

- Nothing wild but the dealer.
- Hang on a sec.

Did Archer seem a little, like...
scared to you guys?


Ya know, now that you mention it,
he did actually seem a little nervous.

I bet he's just on the C.D.L.

- The what?
- Canadian down-low.

Please, like you all
wouldn't bang Alan Thicke

- if you had the chance.
- I think we should go check it out.

- Well, if we're not gonna play poker!
- I thought this was ouija.

So, those guys... Kinda dicks, right?

- Right?
- Totally.

Okay, now enter
the command sequence string.

Okay good, now once you've...
entered that...

wow, still working on it.
You also type like a gaping dickhole.

Sorry, I don't wanna mess up.

Man, you are nothing like your file.

All these stories about
what a badass you are,

but I gotta tell ya,
Farooq's not seeing it.

Well, in those stories, I'm probably
not changing poopy diapers, so...

So do you seriously not even care

- what I'm doing with your mainframe?
- I honestly don't.

Okay, I'm going to tell you anyway.

I'm using it to backdoor
my state-of-the-art

spyware into the CIA network,
so Pakistani intelligence

will know everything
they do in real time.

why are you telling me this?

- I'm ... Wait, what?
- I mean, now I'm just gonna tell the CIA,

- and they'll find the spyware.
- That was only one of many, many

- possible things I could be doing.
- Okay.

No, no, and the very
fact that I told you

that's what I'm doing, I mean that was

- clearly misdirection, right?
- Okay.

Plus, I doubt you'll
be talking very much

after I shoot you in the face.

Take it easy, I...

Shit! I don't have a will!

- I'm a notary!
- Wha...?

What the shit, Manny?

Pam! Baby!

What the heck's going on in...

- Well, ya don't see that everyday.
- I didn't even see it today...

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

So, here's the thing, Farooq.

I don't know about any stories,

but whatever badass shit
that you heard I did,

you really need some context, because

pretty much my whole life,
pretty much right up until

this minute, my default
setting has been "half-ass."

But that was before I had a child,
a child you threatened to harm.

A child, I just realized,
who's probably on her way up

to the roof so Aunt Pam
can swat at biplanes.

Wait, what the hell am I doing?

The roof's the first place they'll look.

So imagine, as I literally
beat you to death...

Hang on. Yeah, literally,
that a giant hand has turned my dial

from "half-ass"
to "quadruple-ass."

- Wow. That is a lot of ass.
- Yeah, basically eight times the ass.

Can I just say one thing,
before we get into all

- the beating to death?
- What?

I still have a gun?

Oh, right.

What's going on in there?

Okay, so...
that lesbian au pair has a gun.

I think she's robbing Mr. Archer.

- Wait, what?
- What au pair?

- The black Mexican.
- Oh for... So what should we do?

Until we consult the ouija.

God I love poker night.

So, before you shoot me,
can I just say one thing?


What the shit, Cyril?


Take cover! C'mon, Cyril.

There's other desks.

- This one's good.
- Ow. Damn it!

This is exactly how Brett died.

Man, I wish he was still with us.

He could soak
up some of these bullets.

God, finally.
Okay, that's eight rounds,

including the one in
my shoulder, so he's...

- Reloading!
- God dammit.

Oh! Ray, gun.

- It's in a time-lock safe.
- What? Why?

Because Cheryl.

I'm calling for backup!


- What'd he say?
- Well, my Urdu isn't as strong as I thought.


Meh. But I'm gonna assume
he just called for backup.

So we gotta get to the armory.

- It's empty.
- It's... What do you mean, it's empty?

- When we got shut down, that guy...
- Kevin. Kyle?

Keith? Kenny? Kieran.

- Rodney?
- Rodney! Why was I thinking Kev...

He stole everything!

He set himself up in Europe
as some kind of arms dealer.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid
you mistake my hospitality

for weakness.
The price is the price.

If you wish to negotiate, you
may do so with my associates.

And apparently he's doing quite well.


Remind me, if this
asshole doesn't kill all of you,

- to do it for him.
- Uh, no.

- And take that ridiculous thing off.
- Make me.

- Ow, stop it, cut it out, stop, ow!
- Wait a minute.

- Ow!
- Gimme that.

Okay, on my signal,
I'm gonna draw his fire.

You idiots make make a run
for it, find Pam and A.J.,

and get them to safety
before the rest of these

jerk-dicks get here.

- What about Cheryl?
- Who cares?

No, I'm genuinely asking.

So while we're getting A.J. out of here,
what're you gonna be doing?

Krieger, the HVAC ducts are still
chock full of nerve gas, right?

- Wait, what?
- Yeah, but...

But shut up, just get A.J. outta here,
I'll take care of the rest.

- Archer, that's...
- Pretty heroic, I know.

- I was gonna say overkill, but...
- What're you, on their side?

That asshole threatened to hurt A.J.!

Although now that I think about it,
this whole thing is totally her fault.

What? As far as field
operations are concerned,

she's a huge liability!
Now shut up and wait for my signal.

Reloading. I should probably
stop saying that out loud.

- Should we just go now?
- I mean, yeah you should have,

but it's probably too late now, so...

Now! _

Quit saying that!

We should've gone then, I bet.


Where do
you think you're going?


protect... baby.

What the...?

Not bad.
I'm gonna give you a seven.

- Wait, what?
- Me, or him?

- No him, Slater said you were great.
- Aww, he's sweet.

You, I took off a point because Pam

was feeding A.J. Vienna sausages.

She's not on solid food yet.

- They weren't solid.
- The fact that you were

pre-chewing them and spitting
them into her mouth...

What the hell is going on?

What is wrong with you?

- Well for starters, I got shot. Twice.
- Where did you get a real gun?

My cousin. The one you gave
me looked like, so fake,

and I thought a real one would help
me get into the character better.

Oh, give it a rest, James Lipton.

- He's an actor?!
- Well, mostly improv, but...

You set this whole thing up?
You had me shot?

- You had Slater shot?
- No, the CIA guys did his make-up.

Looked pretty real though, huh?

- So cool.
- Were you assholes in on this?

Oh, please, you can't
tell them anything.

Why... would you do this?!

I wanted to see if I could trust you
to take care of A.J. by yourself.

Yeah, let's talk about trust!

Oh, let's talk about drinking
a gallon of black Mexicans

before driving around in a car
with your infant daughter!

- Good point
- I was at gunpoint!

- Also good.
- Well...

you still lied when you said
you weren't gonna drink.

You knew I was lying.

That doesn't ex...
Wait, that's your excuse?

Yes! Lana.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I am in fairly desperate
need of medical attention.

All your fault!

God damn it!
Why are you going up?

All right, I'd call this...
a qualified success.

- Yeah, I really feel like I nailed it.
- So... you do improv, huh?

Yeah, at Dream the improovable dream,
down on Twenty-third and Lex.

You guys gotta come down,
ya know, maybe take a class,

it's good for confidence, or just,
at least come out to a show...

Here's some flyers.

Our upcoming shows are on
there, plus there's a coupon

for a free drink if you're a lady, so...

Wait, is it not the Imprahv-able dream?

That makes way more sense.