Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - Vision Quest - full transcript

Everyone is stuck in an elevator. The only thing lower than rations is patience. Oh, and their only rescue is a highly advanced rolling toaster. What could go wrong?

Jeez, LaRue,
can you believe this?

A mandatory meeting
at 7:00 A.M.?

Wonder what crawled up her butt.

Ugh, there's no telling.
Our bodies are aswarm

with microscopic organisms, Pam.

Literally aswarm.

Wait. What?
What have you heard?

About the staff meeting?
Oh, right. Yes. Never mind.

Then may I suggest
we get up there,

so we don't have to find out
what "grave consequences" means.

[Scoffs] It means--
In the context of her memo.

Jesus, what's up his butt?

I think the important thing now

is that we don't start
any sort of panic.

Hurry up, ya ding-dongs!

Wait, wait, wait! I'm coming!
Hurry up.

Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, keep your panties on.

One step ahead of you.
Or am I?

Wait. Is Archer
blowing this off?

No. Hold the door. Hold the door!
[Bell dings]

I am.
It's not doing anything.

Damn it, Ray,
hold the frickin' door!

Oh, no!
It's maximum overdrive all over--


[Breathing heavily]
Oh, good. You made it.

Look, Ray,
one is red and one is green.

What are you, color blind?

I am, actually.
♪♪ [Easy listening]

Of what?

So, does anybody have any idea
what this meeting is about?

Well, if I know Ms. Archer, it's--
Butt bugs.

[Laughing] What?
Not what I was--

Ugh! That was
a figure of speech.

They all are!
Hey, will you quit yelling?

Will you?

Remain calm. Do not panic.

No one's panicking, Krieger.

Only because they
haven't hatched yet.

What hasn't hatched?

Quit yelling!

Krieger, what hasn't hatched?
I've said too much.

Krieger, I swear to--

[All gasp, mutter]

[All gasp]
Oh, my God.

Remain calm.
Do not panic.

Krieger, shut up.
See? It's broken.


Hang on.

Ray, Cyril, give me a hand here.

[All straining]


Should be doing this.

You know...
[All grunting]

[Gasping] Oh, my God!
We work in a coal mine?

Carol, shut up.

You're not
my coal mine supervisor!

Yeah. Hey, guys?

[Men grunting, straining]

Oh, damn it.

What is it?

Well, thanks to Ray,
who let's just all assume

broke the elevator somehow,
we're stuck at the top.

[All gasp, mutter]

I hope.


Stop it.
No one else can hear you,

because no one else is here yet.

Not that other people actually work here.

What do you mean?
Where'd they go?

Remember when
the office shut down,

and we spent an entire year
as coke dealers?

What, so people just quit?
And on the subject of things

that don't work here anymore,

my phone.
Uh, got nothing.

I am sans bars.
Yeah, you're not gonna get a signal.

I installed an R.F. jammer
on the roof.

Of the building?
No, of the elevator.

You did what?

[Clears throat]

And for what possible reason?

So people would quit staring at their
phones and talk to each other.

Okay, well,
then let's open the--

One, two, three, go!
Trap door!

Ray, open the trap door.

He can't.

Oh, my God!
Cyril, please.

I am way stronger than you.

That being said, this thing's stuck.

It's not stuck,
it's locked from the outside.

Wait. What?
It's not for stranded passengers to get out,

it's for rescue crews to get in.

The last thing they want
is people crawling around

on top of a malfunctioning
elevator car.

Who is "they"?
Big elevator.

Not a thing.

And why do you know
so much about elevators?

I don't know.
It's a hobby.

I guess I've just always
been fascinated by them.

I honestly have
no response to that.

Anyway, I bet the top
of the car smashed

right into the motor, so--

Yeesh. Hope
the radio jammer's okay.

Ow! Ow! Ow, ow! Ow!

Thanks, Krieger.
I think we all needed that.

And besides, we don't need cell phones.
We have a--

Elevator phone!
Cyril, try that.

I am, if you'd shut up.

Oh, gross!
This phone is all sticky.

Yeah, mine at home
gets bad sticky.

Of course it does.

And since when are you elevator boss?


It's dead.

Okay, Ray. Interface.

I'm sorry?
With the controls.

Beep, boop, boop, boop!
Come on, cyborg.

R2-D2 it.
"R2-D2 it."

Yeah, probe around
in there and whatever.

Shut down the tractor beam.

With what, my dick?

I-- however you
normally do it.

I don't normally do it!

I know, but this
is an emergency.

Hey! Hey!

Damn it, Carol.
There's nobody--

Shut up, stupid.
It's Milton!

Go get help, boy.

There's no time! Go get help!


Get help how?
It's a toaster.

Well! Well, at the very least,
maybe he'll bring back toast.

And speaking of toast,
I don't know about you guys,

but I didn't eat any...
[Chomping loudly]

Hey, hey, wait a second.

Get your own goddamn bear claw!

Cyril, what is that?
Is that a bagel?

No. Get off.
Jeez, it's just napkins.

Guys, get the napkins!
Okay, let's just take it down a n--

Shut up!
We're all gonna starve!

Give me...
Get away!

Guys, come on.
Knock it off, please.

Easy! Hey! Hey!
Pam, stop that.

Everybody calm--

[loud ringing in ears]
[Muted chatter]

unintelligible chatter]

What the hell?

I'm sorry.
Seriously, I'm sorry.

I sincerely apologize
for doing that.

if you do that again--

I swear to God
I won't do it again.

Please don't.
You're listening for once.

That being said,

I swear to God
I will do it again.


Ray, shut up!

Cyril, let's get that
sweater vest off, buddy.

I'm sorry?
I know, but nobody makes you wear them.

I-- why do you want it?

As, like, a tablecloth
or whatever.

We're all gonna put our food
and drink in the middle,

and then I'll be in charge
of rationing it out.

Why do you think you would be in charge?

Because I've been lost at sea.


I was lost at sea, Lana, and we
had to ration the food and water.

Well, we should have.
I actually ate it all

while the other guy was asleep.

Why would you tell us
that story?

If anything,
that proves my point.

People like me are exactly why

we have to ration
our food and water.

People like you, who?

The strong,
like me and you and Pam,

who will naturally
prey on the weak,

like the rest of them.

Maybe we should pool it together.

We don't know how long
we're gonna be in here.

Yeah, give it up, weakie.

Pam, shut up.
I'll start.

six ounces of Bourbon.

If Cyril would hurry it up already!

For the love of God,
will you just--

Okay. Wait a minute.

How exactly is this
supposed to work?

It puts the vest on the floor!

We put food and drink
on the vest!

Yeah, but where on the floor?

There's no room.
It'll get kicked over.

Okay, so we tie the vest into,
like, a pouch, and--

For God's sake, man,
it has no sleeves.

Plus the food'll just
fall out the neckhole.

Well, then it's official.

The sweater vest
is literally good for nothing.

Hey, you know what?
Besides how to dress like an adult?

Well, that's the only thing
you do like an adult.

[Snaps fingers]

Yeah. Total burn.

I hope I don't
start crying later

when I'm driving an automobile
to or from a bar!

After having sex
with a prostitute.

Which is the most adult thing
a person could possibly do!

I like him in vests.
Me too.

Yeah. It works for him.

Well, thanks, ladies.

No. No. Shut up.

I need to think.
About what?

Look, this isn't
that hard, people.

We've got a bagel, four
coffees, a quart of beer--

A quart?

This a fawty, shawty!
Thanks, Omar.

And on top of that, we've got, I'm
guessing, two flasks of bourbon.

I didn't know if I'd
have time for lunch.

And, Krieger? Coffee?

Uh, no.


What is it, soup?

Define "soup."

Oh, good lord!

Would it be safe
to say nobody here

wants to eat
what's in your thermos?

[Gasps] Sweet Jesus
God, I would hope so!

Okay, so how about
we all agree to hold on

to our food and drinks for now,
if for no other reason than--



Come on!
Pam, stop it!


Oh, God!
That wasn't just bear claw.

What did you eat for breakfast?


Linguine and clam sauce.

Oh, God!
What, did you wake up on the docks?

[Belches] But I don't know
about those clams, though.

As I was saying,
before you, Pam,

drank a third of a gallon
of malt liquor,

maybe we shouldn't eat
or drink too much, because--

Yes, Pam?
I have to pee.

Come on!
Of course you do. You just drank a 40!

That's what I was trying to say.

I'm not a frickin' mind reader.

Yeah. In her defense,
you didn't finish.

Pam, shut up.

I have an idea!

Okay. Wait.
Does it have anything to do

with our current situation?


Okay, what is it?

We are stuck in an elevator.

The idea,
not our current situation.

Well, I'm not
a frickin' mind reader!

Oh, my God, what if I am?

Then I guess you'd know what we're
all thinking right this very minute.

Okay. You want a drink,
you want to lecture us,

you want more bear claws, you want
to smoke, you want to masturbate,

and you're scared that we'll figure out
you're actually just a Krieger clone.

What? That's--
That's all just common sense.

How is it common sense that she
thinks I want to masturbate?

Come on, Cyril.
For most of us,

she just rattled off
our obvious addictions.

I'm not addicted
to lecturing people.


Oh, come on.
That's... All right.

And what are you
laughing at, stroker ace?

I'm not addicted
to masturbating!

Cyril, come on.
Hand on the Bible,

lie detector, gun to your head,

you don't want
to masturbate right now?

Well, not in this elevator.

Well, I want to drink, so...

And I want to smoke, so...

So Cyril ought
to be able to jack it.

Pam, shut up.
Well, we tried.

And just where, exactly, were you
hoping to smoke that cigarette?

Magnum P.I.'s house.

But since I'm stuck in here
with you people...

Hey! What the shit, woman?

The shit is that
I am breastfeeding,

so you will not smoke
in this elevator!

You want to bet?
Do you?

They're both addicted to gambling.

And you're just a regular Sylvia Browne.

I also have
extreme claustrophobia.

Psst, Cyril.
Try to rub one out.

I do not want to masturbate!

Oh, for--
Not even watching that?

[Archer] Hey! Guys, come on! Hey!
Get your hands o--


I'm serious.
I cannot stress this enough.

You do not want tinnitus.

How about cirrhosis?

Probably not that either.

Now, then.
Carol, you had an idea?

Are you a mind reader, too?

No. You told us
that you had one.

What? Oh, right. Yes.

We all jump up and down
at the same time

to unjam this stupid thing,

and then it plummets
down into the basement,

and we boing into
that giant spring

at the bottom of
the elevator shaft,

and then are safe.

So, suicide pact.
An oldie but a goodie.

Should we vote?
Who's in?

Uh-uh. No.
No. Not doing that.

No. That works.
I've heard about people doing that.

You just want an excuse
to wet your pants.

I don't need an excuse.

Yeah, what is this,
Soviet Russia?

It-- wait.
Are you seriously asking?

I mean...

Krieger, what's the deal?
Would that really work?

Wha-- you're asking the guy with a
thermos full of human being soup?

that's not even-- if--

What is this, Soviet Russia?

Oh, my God.

Cyril, shut up.
You shut up!

Krieger, would that work?

Huh. Maybe?

What do you mean, maybe?

Look, first of all, there's no
giant spring at the bottom.

It's a hydraulic buffer, but you
don't want to be in the elevator

when it slams into it.

No, but at the last second,
you just jump up in the air.

How would you know when to jump?

Because you'd give me
a lecture on it.


She burned her.

I know, but--
No. Shut up, because here's the thing--

safety brakes.

That's actually what
Elisha Otis invented.

Not the elevator itself,

but the safety brakes
to stop it.

It was too bad
they couldn't stop diphtheria.

So wait.
Would the brakes stop us?


Oh, my God! Come on!

Look, I don't know if they
were damaged in the crash.

Okay, but what's the worst case?

Worst case is we die.
Impaled on your boner.

I do not have an erection!

Well, maybe not now,
but say you get

a severe head injury on impact.

Boom! Priapism!

Meanwhile, your bodies

are smashing around in here
like crash dummies,

until, one at a time, you are each
impaled on my priapic erection.

Like meat at a Brazilian steakhouse!

Ugh, please don't talk
about food.

Yeah, I am
figuratively starving.

For meat or Cyril's priapism?

I can't take it! I am smoking!

Get your foot off my lighter!

Ray, I am serious.
God damn it!

I'll put my mouth right up next
to the hole and blow into it.

Err! Fine, but--

Wait a minute.
Well, then I'm peeing.

I think I can get it all back in here.

No, you can't!
Wait a minute. Everybody stop now.

Two things.

One, I really think we need
to have a serious talk

about getting phrasing
back in the mix.

[All talking at once] Let it go.

Fine. Whatever.
No more phrasing.

What was thing two?
Oh, nothing.

I'm just having a stroke.

No, you're not. It's Milton! He came back!

[All cheering]

There you are!

[Peeing into bottle] What the--
God damn it, Pam!

Oh, no, no, no!
[Pee splashing on ground]

For the love of God, woman!

[Pam] I thought the hole was bigger.
[Bottle clatters]

I mean...

[Milton beeping]

Ugh, it's soaking wet down here...

Get it, get it, get it
before it gets on me!

With what? There's nothing
to wipe it up with.

A-ha! Maybe it is good for something.
[Pee sloshes]

Are you crazy?
That's cashmere!

Wh-- oh, my God. Sorry.

What, so it's non-absorbent?

Lana, it's cashmere.
There are rules.

I'm sorry, Cyril.
I didn't know.

[Ray] Aw, son of a bitch!
What's wrong?

Guess we can go ahead
and use my suit pants.

You can just say "pants."

Pam wet your pants.

It's still basically everywhere!

And if it gets
on my suede boots--

Okay! Jeez!

[All groan]

Why aren't you
wearing underwear?

What? Serious shit,

did red dawn happen
and nobody told me about it?

Ne tak li?

[Pee sloshing]

There! Happy?



Yeah. Hey,
and over here, too,

because if it gets
on these boots,

I will not be responsible
for my actions.

Right? Isn't it
just so liberating?

Hey, what's Milton doing?
What do you--

He's making toast!
I want to see!

Well, too bad, I'm in the hole!

Stop torturing me!
Stop torturing me!

Oh, for-- Ray,
take a picture of him!

Where's my stupid phone?

[Russian accent]
In Soviet Russia--


--Toaster take picture of you.

Doesn't even make sense.

It makes perfect sense.
You don't make sense.

It totally does.

The K.G.B. bugs your apartment.
They put a camera in--

All right! Jesus Christ!

Holy shit!

[All] What?
I've got a signal!

[All celebrating]

Yeah, I got, like, half a bar!

Call 911! Call 911!

[Russian accent]
In Soviet Russia--

[Archer] Pam, stop it!

Yeah, seriously.

[Woman] 911 operator.
What is your emergency?

Hello! Can you hear me?

I can barely hear you.

I'm trapped in an elevator!

I'm sorry?
You said you are trapped in an elevator?

Wh-- yes!

Ma'am, you have no call

to get snippy with me!


And for the record,
being stuck in an elevator

is not an emergency.

[All yelling angrily]

So I suggest
you call your super.

No, no, no, no!
[Hangs up]

Oh, call her back and tell her

Carol's got
crippling claustrophobia.

Wait. What?

[All groaning]
Oh, Jesus!

God damn it!

[Dialing, ringing]

911 operator.
What is your emergency?

I'm stuck in an elevator--

Ma'am, pranking 911 is a felony!

I am blocking this number!

No, no, no, no!
[Hangs up]


[Phone beeps]


Oh, my God.
We need this, too.

We do kind of.

[All laughing]

911 burn!


Plus... plus,
you're covered in piss.

Ray! Ray, call Malory!

Yes, call that person.
Yes, do that.

Wait. Call who?

Malory! I bet
she's downstairs!

She can call
an elevator repair guy!

Oh, yeah. Shit. Hang on.

Yeah, hang on! Ray?

Hang on!
I'm saying hang on!

Hang on!
What are you, deaf?

What are you, color blind?

[All] Whoa!

Too soon.
Yeah, inappropes!

She said, flapping her wildly
unkempt vagina

at her coworkers!

Oh, please.
You've all seen it!

Wait. Oh, my God,
we actually have.

And yours.
What? Krieger hasn't!

Well, maybe not in person--


Everybody stop talking!
Trying to make a phone call!

[Archer] No, no, no, no!
[Line ringing]

[Phone rings]

[Ringing continues]

I'm not here.

[Metal squeaks]
♪♪ [Music]

[Archer's voice]
Are you tired of constantly

getting stuck in elevators?

Do you wish there was a way
to not keep constantly

getting stuck in elevators?

Well, friend,
wish and be tired no longer--

[all scream]

[Muffled screams]



Oh, come on.


[Muffled screams]


[Elevator dings]


What, in the name of God,

do you people think
you're doing?

[Clears throat]
Was there not a staff meeting?

Well, there was...

I blocked out the entire morning for us
all to do a team building exercise together.

Team building?

You got the elevator stuck on purpose!

Wait, what?

What? What are you talking about?

Trapping us in here

Like piss-covered animals?

This was the team building exercise.

What are you...
No, it wasn't!

We were going to watch Vision Quest.