Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 13 - Drastic Voyage: Part 2 - full transcript

The fantastic voyage concludes.

nereus to mission control,

because look around!

Does this look
like the brain to you?


I was gonna say "yes."

We are clearly
not in the brain!

Look around,
we are surrounded by--


[woman] what the shit?
[man] what the hell?


by muscle fiber...

Just think
if I ever worked out.

[lana clears throat]

Ya done?
Hm? Oh!

Well, I was saying
that look at

All that muscle fiber,
out there,

So we're obviously
not in the brain, so--

So where are we,
and follow up--

to mission control--

What is with
the rubbing alcohol?

Uh, I'm making
room for tang...

Nereus to--
what? What tang?

The tang on which
I've got dibs! So--

Why would
there be tang?

Goofy grape then,

Lefty lemon?
Lana, this is serious.

If our electrolytes
get out of balance--

Archer, we've only
got 57 minutes

Until the sub reverts
back to normal size--
killing dr. Kovacs--

And permanently ending
your checkered careers
as intelligence agents.

We get it.

So your electrolytes
can wait.

Well, you say that...
So tell us what to do,

How can we help you
find out where we are?

Well for starters,
he can quit futzing around
with the radio and get--

this is mission control,

You were saying?


Really wish you'd quit
dicking around.

I know.

Mission control,
what is our twenty?

The injection was botched...

krieger... Asshole...


No! Ew!

Say again, control,
what is our twenty?

It appears you're
in kovacs' left foot.

His left foot?
Oh, well that's good,

How is that possibly good?

Well, relative
to krieger's asshole.

and to this.

Seriously, where do you keep
the fruity drink powder?

I'd even take
rootin' tootin' raspberry.

How noble.
Well, no,
I'd still bitch about it.

And I think I've earned
that right.

♪ [theme]

what's wrong,
why aren't they moving?

Who knows?
Their radio's damaged.

Maybe the propulsion system
is, too.

this is mission control--

Oh, for the--
they know who it is!

If I were to make
a list of things

I'm not in the mood
for right now--
[baby a.J. Cries]


That would be second
on said list.

What is it,
does she need to be fed?

Wants, maybe.
I wouldn't say "need."

She's about to pop out
of that onesie.

She seems like
a normal baby weight.

Oh, yes, and everyone deserves
a trophy just for showing up,

And everyone's
kickstarter has merit.


okay people, listen up!

we're bailing!

What're you-- archer,
if you bail on this mission,

Your career is over!

Oh, eat several
dicks, slater!

Your people shot us
in this guy's foot, not us!

Are we bailing or not?

[sklodowska] no!

Oh, my god...

Shit or get off the pot.

Ya know, on the farm
it was actually a pot,

It was literally a pot.

I have absolutely
no response to that.

Because forgetting,
for the moment,
that dr. Kovacs will die

If we don't laser
that blood clot, how--
with the laser,

We cut a hole
in his foot,

and slide on out, flrrp.

it's basically
the old zrrp-and-flrrp.

Archer, we're the size
of a bacteria--


jill nye--

So no one
could see us--

Until 48 minutes
from now,

When the sub reverts
back to normal--

Killing not only
dr. Kovacs,

But everybody else
in the room.

And we can reach
the clot in time!

To get from his foot
all the way to his brain

Would take, like--
literally one minute.

I'm sorry,
I think you mean figur--

That's how long it takes blood
to cycle through the body,


that doesn't sound right.

we could ask wikipedia...

Good luck,
I've got negative one bars.

Or we could just ask me,
the woman who graduated
from harvard medical school

Summa cum laude.
With a minor
in spanish bragging...

that was latin.
He knows.

And b--
we just have to laser our way
into one of these veins here.

Flrrp. Wait no, zrrp.

Then the blood flow
will take us into
the inferior vena cava,

Then up through
the right atrium,

Tricuspid valve,
right ventricle,

Pulmonic valve,
pulmonary artery,

Into the lungs,
pulmonary veins,

Left atrium,
mitral valve,

Left ventricle,
aortic valve,

common carotid artery...

internal carotid artery,
and then...

I can probably
find it from there.

So if the blood flow
will take us right
to the clot,

What's the catch?
The catch

Is that we'll be going between
three and four miles an hour.

Big whoop?

No? Nobody?

Oh, shit...

If we're the size
of a tiny germ...

to us it will seem like--

making the jump
to hyperspace?

If by "hyperspace"

You're referring
to the film "star wars"

And not bosonic string theory,

There's enough room
in the world

For science and miracles.

okay people, listen up!
When we go into that vein

We're gonna get hit
with about ten g's.

Buckle up!

just kidding.

That's a lot of g's.

So suddenly you don't have
a death wish?

Lana, I've never had
a death wish.

It's just that I don't believe
that I personally...

Even can die.

Although I do believe
in ghosts.

Not sure
if that's related, or...

Guess I better
put these away

Since they're tungsten,
and insanely sharp.

Should you even have those?

I shouldn't
even have yarn.

and I should not have
volunteered for this.

So, I saw you
coming on to archer--

I'm a sexual being.

If that is shocking
to you, then so be it.

It's not,
I was just gonna tell you

He's had the clap
so many times

It's more like applause.

uh, what was that?

I said,
ready on that laser?


then fire at--


Okay, gillette,
now just slip it in

Nice and easy...
[archer sighs]

I mean... What about
"that's what she said"?
Can we at least do that?

hush! Here we go, people!

God, I will be glad
when this is over.

Yeah, and when it is,

I think you really
should apologize to lana.
For what?

For being so racist
about your hand!
Wh--? Racist?

Yeah, all that
driving miss daisy stuff,

And the piggly wiggly,

And the--
oh, my god!

I was mad because
it's a robot hand,

Not because it's black!

hang on!

Because it totally
seemed like--

I gotta go tell her!
No, no, no, no--


[gillette screaming]


are you crippled again?



Well, cheer up, buddy.

Maybe krieger can get you
some black bionic legs.

just like jesse owens!

Who may or may not
have been a robot.

Although I might be thinking
of the jetsons' maid.

Wait, was she black?

what do you mean,
he's crippled?


No, we can just
go with crippled...

then who's steering the ship?

I am!

[everyone groans]

Now's the perfect time...

Not like you haven't
dreamed about it...

Just crash the sub
and kill them, cyril.

okay, cyril?

Hm? Yes? Over?

We're through
the heart now,

And we need to get
to the carotid artery,

So on my mark,
turn hard to starboard.

And refresh my memory,
starboard is--


now on my mark, hard to port!
And that's--?


okay, this is it...

wow, guess it does
just take a minute.

so they're in the brain now?

we're assuming they are.

We have to wait for them
to tell us their location.

The sub is too small to track
with our current technology.

Maybe the cia
should do a kickstarter.
[baby a.J. Cries]

Can someone please
get that child some food!

Oh, all right,
she can have...

One cocktail onion.

okay, there's the blood clot.

People's bodies are so gross.

Well, some people
can't help it!

wh--? Not you, pam.

I was talking about ray.
you're like filet o' man.

Ya know...
[female voice]
time to deminiaturization--

40 minutes.

So hey,
if you've got this...

I've always got

Then I'm gonna
go check on ray.

Oh, tell him--
no, never mind.

You don't have a pun-based

Little zinger
about walking, or--

No, I'm actually...

Kinda worried
he's gonna kill himself.

laser turret,
prepare for thrombolysis.

Uh... Is there a knob
for that, or--

it means destruction
of the thrombus.

The thrombus
is the blood clot!

oh, duh...

obviously you've got this.

All right, archer,
you have to be sure not to let
the laser detach the thrombus

From the artery wall.
The last thing we want
is an embolism.

no shit,
that's my third biggest fear.

that's an aneurysm.

Okay, fourth biggest,

Archer, focus.
We've got less than 40 minutes
to deminiaturization!

Oh, shit.
And even less than that
until we're out of oxygen.

Wait, what?
O2 consumption's
about 12 percent higher

Than it should be...
12 percent?

That's like an entire...

extra person.

[michael gray]
a person called...
[slater] what the--?

god damn it, michael!

[michael gray]
tv's michael gray.

You ruined it.

And also please
let me out.

Uh, what's going on?

Tv's michael gray
is on board,
for some reason.

Mikey mike!

And where are you two going?
Up there,
to gawk at tv's michael gray.

And, we're taking these
razor sharp tungsten knitting
needles with us.

What about ray?
He can't come,
he's crippled.


And also physically.
What the--?

Wh--? Cyril!
Can you see where we're going
with your head up your ass?

That wasn't me,
we're not even moving!

it's leukocytes!
White blood cells!

They must think
we're a bacterium!

Well, let's see how
they like having
a laser beam blasted up...

Whichever part
of a leukocyte is the asshole.

um, alex,
I think my buzzer's broken.


The laser capacitors
are damaged!

is that bad?

What do you think?

That you'd better
watch your tone?

I'm... So...

And I accept
your apology, but, honey,

I need to go see
what's going on...
It's god's wrath!

For lettin' my self-loathing
about my ever-increasing

Make you think
I'm a racist!

I don't know about
god's wrath, but--

Oh but you will,
miss unwed mother.


Hey, one of those leukocyte
things just blobbed
all over the windshield--

Cyril, shut up.
What're we doing?

[michael gray coughs]


Oh, sorry, mikey mike...

No no no,
don't let him--



I think sometimes
you oversell it, buddy.

great, now we can all

Excuse me?
We only had enough oxygen
for eight crew, not nine,

So thanks to tv's
michael gray,
we're low on oxygen.

Why is he here?
Are you kidding me?

Dammit, michael gray,
it's bad enough

We're getting devoured
by leukocytes!

Well, what do you
want me to do,

Transform into captain marvel
and save the day?

I'd be happy
if you could transform

Into jackson bostwick!


[everyone gasps]


I guess I had
that coming, huh?

Will you explain
that to me later?

I was gonna ask you to.

[female voice]
time until miniaturization--

so we've got--
30 minutes.

and since the laser's
all jibbered up...

Someone will just
have to go out there
in scuba gear

And use this portable laser

To destroy the clot
and fend off attacking

And I guess
that someone is me.

I'm going with you.

Oh my god, michael,
it's over.

Stop trying
to impress me!

And also no offense,
but you're tiny.

But, archer, somebody
has to watch your back.

Well that somebody's not
gonna be a.J.'s mother,

So... Slater.

no way,
you're just gonna frag me!

I totally was.

Okay, so... Pam.


Well don't rub it in
tv's michael gray's face!


Oh, [bleep] you.

[female voice]
time to deminiaturization--

15 minutes.

Because who takes 15 minutes
to put on a damn wetsuit?

Who has an entire submarine
with no damn talcum powder
on board?

and archer, remember, do not
let the leukocytes touch you.


Yeah, got it.
What's that mean?

It means they'll slowly turn
your entire body inside out

And devour every single cell
you're made of.

Holy snacrophages.

Oh. I thought it was
a type of wizard.

Hey, you guys wanna take
my needles?

No, why would we want those?

They're tungsten.

listen to me,

I know you think
you're invincible.

Plus now I have
a laser backpack.

But you're
a father now--

With a laser backpack.

Shut up.
And please... Be careful.

no. To both.



thirteen minutes to go...

And just to reiterate,

If your people fail--

We'll never work
in espionage again.

Yes, you've made
that perfectly clear.

Maybe we can live on all
the prize money she wins
as a competitive eater.


So, how are they doing
out there?

about like you'd expect,
from archer.



Eat that,
you stupid macrophage!

There's another one,
nine o'clock!

oh, my god,
I could do this all day.

well since we don't have
all day...

Shut up.

Coming up on 12 minutes.
Will we have enough time

To reach the extraction point
on his tear duct?

We should.
From here via
the optic nerve

Should only take
90 seconds,

Then another 60
to the tear duct.

So we even have time...
To make love.


Inside my lover's
own body.

It would be
the ultimate cuckold.

Ew, no!
Lady, you've got problems.

Plus tv's michael gray
is staring right at us.

Okay, that was
the last one for now.

Keep a lookout
while I zrrp the clot.

and remember,
you have to make sure

It doesn't break free
from the--

What was that?
Sorry, I couldn't hear you

Over the sound of me
thrombolyzing the shit
out of that thrombus.

Are you just gonna
stand there and gloat?

technically, lana,
I'm floating.

It's basically
the old float-and-gloat--

get back to the ship,
you asshole!

okay, but only because
I choose to.

archer, look out!

And also because it seems like
the prudent course of action.

[female voice]
time to deminiaturization--
10 minutes.

Dammit. Okay,
get ready for the extraction.

Get ready how?
We don't even know if the sub
is in his tear duct yet!

So go get an eyedropper,
and for the next 10 minutes

Just keep eyedroppering
out his tears and moving
them into the hangar!

Scoop out his whole damn
eyeball if you have to!

[baby talking]
oh no-no-no-no,
we wouldn't do dat,

Would we? No,
dat's a meanie-bo-beanie...


Okay, door's closed!
Hit it!

Alright, we're in,
purging airloc--

no, no, no, no, no!

I'm sorry,
what was that?

the ship cannot move

While the airlock is purging.

Uh, kinda seems
like a design flaw...
We could start drinking it.

that would save like,
two seconds!

plus I'm pretty thirsty.

Pam, it's blood.
I'm pretty thirsty.

[female voice]
time to deminiaturization--
eight minutes.

Okay, cyril!
[cyril yelps]

You have to be ready to go

The second
that the airlock is clear!

Yes! Yes?

yeah, what could possibly
go wrong...

okay, this eyedropper's full!

Here! Go! Move!

gimme another eyedropper!

[female voice]
time to deminiaturization--

Seven minutes.

Six minutes.

Five minutes.

Four minutes.

Three minutes
to deminiaturization.

airlock purged.

What're we doing?

Go, go, go, go!

[startled yelp]


[both gasp]


Okay cyril,
here comes the optic nerve!

Now hard to starboard!

Hard to starboard!

[both gasp]

[female voice]
two minutes.

Exciting, huh?

Yeah. Shut up!

Oh, right.

There's the tear duct!

Hard to port!

hard to port!

[female voice]
one minute.

Holy shit,
we're gonna make it!

are we gonna make it?

Or are "we" just...
Too broken?



Look look,
there's a bright light!

yes! We're approaching
the eyeball!

[female voice]
thirty seconds.


So yeah,
we shower it up,

And then wherever
the town is,

We go find a sizzler
or whatever--

Me, lana,
you and tv's michael gray,

And the flrrp-- get shitty
on rib eyes and scotch.

[female voice]
10 seconds.

Nine, eight, seven...

Oh, that's it.

Six, five...
Go, go, go--
get out of here!

Four, three,

Two, one.

Begin deminiatur--



Guess we didn't make it...

But-- so,
is there a steakhouse around?

Oh, and do they have
flowerpot bread?

All right,
so now listen--

No, no, no, no,
I will not listen,

Because you no longer
exist in my world.

So take this unlucky baby...

While I focus on the two
positive aspects
of this debacle,

The first being
that you people
will no longer be a stain

On the escutcheon
of the clandestine services,

No, please!
You can't blacklist us.

This is all
I've ever known, it's--

The second positive
is that even though
dr. Kovacs is dead,

His miniaturization
process lives on

In the memory banks
of the supercomputer--


Shrinky-dink that!

Krieger out!

[alarm buzzing]

Dr. Kovacs
conceived and built

The magnum opus
of what was surely
the greatest mind

Of his generation.

[alarm continuing]

And so you work your
whole life for something,
for a cause,

And in the end
what do you have
to show for it?

No parade, no statue,
no medal of freedom,

No songs of heroic deeds...


Just an ulcer
and you, dear...

Who I honestly think
just gave me a hernia.

[car honks]

[flies buzzing]

Well, if you fed her,
like you said you did,

Why is she still

Who knows with her?
A tapeworm?

And after that disaster,
you'd all better get used
to being hungry.

At least until
I can find a way

To get us back
in with the cia.

Why bother?
Excuse me?

Well, look,
I can't speak for archer--
and yet--

But I don't want
to risk my life
on shady missions

For those assholes
at the cia.

I have a child to raise.

So do I!
Well, not...

And besides,
they obviously
set us up.

They've always
wanted us to fail.
Why would they--

Why would you wanna work
for those ivy league
white-shoe d.C. Pricks?

[everyone agrees]

That's not who we are!

We're the outsiders,
the scrappy underdogs!

[everyone agrees]

We're delta house,
the dirty dozen,

The rebel alliance,
the commitments!


We're the bad news
frickin' bears,

And our lupus
is an openly gay cyborg

Dying of sepsis
in a wheelbarrow!

That's us!

I do think he's actually
dying, though.

So why would you want
to go back to being
the cia's--

Sorry, but-- bitch?

Because, you peawit,

What are we going
to do for money?


I actually have
some thoughts on that.

made in georgia.