Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - The Holdout - full transcript

Archer must salvage a crashed plane for the CIA after he disappeared for six weeks in Thailand.

Ow. Khao lard gaeng.

Sawat dee?

Well, since I can only assume

this is one of your idiot
voicemails, I...


Well, I'm not falling
for it again.

Oh, for...
Mother, it's me, Sterling.

Then, what is
the square root of nine?


Negative nine?


Ha! Elaborate...
God damn it!

I'm kidding, it's three,
and also me. Ass.

Now, how'd the hell you find me?

I didn't, the CIA did.

Oh, and how are
your new overlords?

Oh for the... They're not...

Look, think of it
as more of a merger.


Organizations change.
They evolve. They grow.

Unlike some people I know.

Hey, you know what?

To wit, once again you're off

on one of your usual
self-pitying benders.

It's not a usual one, mother.

In case you forget,
I was forced into

becoming a parent
against my will.

Join the club.

But for god's sake,
six weeks is long enough.

Really? It's been six weeks?

Yes, so sober up and get a bunch
of penicillin shots, because...

Is that him?
Is that Lana?

Let me talk to him.
Let me talk to her.

So, why'd you run away
when you were so excited

about being a father
when A.J. was born?

Did reality set it?

I... Wait,
was that rhetorical?

Because the next time you use

somebody's sperm
to impregnate yourself,

then maybe that decision

should include
that other somebody.

Who? That other somebody
who runs away

at the thought of responsibility

and as we speak is up
to his eyeballs

in cobra whisky
and ladyboy hookers?

Oh, that is...

You don't know me.


I believe there was some mention

of the Central
Intelligence Agency?

They've given us
our first freelance mission,

and if you screw it up,

There won't be a second one,
so listen up.

I'm listening.

Two days ago,
an American spy plane

went down
in the jungles of Borneo

about 500 miles from you.

The pilot ejected, but without
the on board computer.

You're to secure it,
then destroy the aircraft.

You should be receiving
a mission dossier...

Well, now.

Wow. Read it on the way to
the airport, and hurry.

All the equipment you'll need

is on an air America cargo plane

That is waiting
for you as we speak.

Uh, mother, it sounded
like you said, "cargo plane,"

when obviously you meant,

"first class luxury
commercial airliner."

Sterling, a commercial airline

won't let you parachute
into the jungle

in the middle of a communist
insurgency... A what? night.
Now, don't screw this up!

"Screw it up."

Yeah, like she's one to talk.

Look how I turned out.

Hey, freaky bigtime!

You owe us
a hundred thousand bhat!

Oh, right, yeah, no problem.

Oh, and I've got
an extra twenty thousand

if you're genetic females.


God, okay, final offer,
ten thousand baht,

some of which has blood on it.

For the millionth and last time,

we do not
have mini-bottles!

Well, then this
isn't a real airline.

No, it's not.
It's a CIA front!

Still, though.

Why don't you go read
the damn dossier?

Read about
the communist insurgency.

I don't do dossiers.

Besides, I'm not
a CIA schoolgirl.

This is a cakewalk
for a real spy.

I punch the coordinates
in the gps,

get the computer,
blow up the plane with C4,

and, uh...

So then do you guys
pick me up, or...?

Read the dossier.


Suit yourself.

Go, go, go, go, go!





But mini-bottles?

That's not a bad...

I'm sorry, Hank.

I forget you were
working the program.


Oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh my god!

Are you guys
so frickin' excited?

I would be,
if you quit jumping around.

Seriously, honey,
come on. Baby on board.

And if you two dopes
didn't screw up

this $10 million renovation...

Which, again, curious as to why

you put Pam and Cheryl
in charge.

Because I had
a very specific vision,

and it wasn't
"Japanese whorehouse."

Well, Ms. Archer,
I think you'll find

we were very true
to your vision.

Oh, I've dreamed of this day.

I know.

It's... I mean...

I don't know what to say.

Can I even wear shoes in here?

Oh, this is nothing.

Wait till you see...

Oh, my god!

I... I think I could
use a drink.

Oh, shut up.



No, bring it back.

It's exactly like it was!

We redid everything
exactly like it was before.

Jesus, god, I'm having a stroke.

No, the other one
was just a hologram.

What the...?

What, what?
What just happened?

Oh, man!

The look on your dumb face.

No, it's a stroke.

I smell toast.

Oh, that's probably just Milton.

Okay, it's the one new thing.

It makes...

Lemme finish!


You ruined it.

Agh, son of a...

God, is one last
non-malarial hurrah

before I go home
too much to ask?

Agh, thanks jungle.

Eat a buffet of dicks.

Okay, the plane should be
just about a half click

down this trail, and...


Stop! Jesus, Kato,
will you stop?

I mean, is this
a mugging, or...?

You are American.

Hey, English, good.

Yes, I'm American.

Then we are at war!

We... We as in who,

and the empire of Japan.

The... Wait a minute,
do you mean, like,

cool Honda scrambler Japan,

super uncool Pearl Harbor Japan?


How long have you
been on this island?

Since the tenth of May...


Oh, boy.

Uh, well, Kato...


First lieutenant Sato Kentaro.

Well Ken,
I've got some bad news.

Oh, and also some worse news.

Liar. Why would I lie
about the war being over?

Since 1945, I might add.

To trick me into surrendering

I do not surrender,

nor consent to be your prisoner,

so just kill me.

What? No.

Ken, will you relax

or is your entire generation

physically incapable
of doing that?

How can I relax
while we are at war?

We're not!
Here, shut up, look.

Here's you guys signing the
surrender on the USS Missouri.

Here's all the V-J Day
parades in America.

Here's the bad news bears
go to Japan.

That's Lupus and Tanner.

Oh, and here's a link
to an episode

of the six million man

about this exact thing
we're doing right now.

The six million who?

Oh, god, you've got
so much to catch up on.

Okay, so there's this guy,
Steve Austin,

and he was an astronaut,

but... Damn, wait. Okay.
So, an astronaut...

What is this thing?
This device?

It's a telephone, kinda,
that talks to outer space,

And also... Shit!

What? I'm supposed to
go find a computer.


There are no building
in the jungle

big enough to hold a computer!

No, they're really small, now.

I think you guys
actually did that.

Anyway, I need to go
get one out of a plane

that crashed near here, so...

Yes, I know where
this airplane is.

Duh. Me, too.

So, if I just kinda leave,
are you gonna be cool,

or try to sneak up on me
and slit my throat?

Well, I hope you're happy...

because I feel like
a total dick.

And also kinda racist.

And I resent you making me
feel like that, so...

I'm not a racist.

I just wanted it
to be all white.

Jeezy Petes, this drawer squeaks

exactly like the old one did!

And is this...

Is this Brett's blood?

Ugh, no, just the same type.

We had to fudge it
a little on the stains,

some of which
actually were fudge.

And some of which
merely resembled it.

But why would you do this?

Okay, it should be
right up here,

and if you try
any funny stuff...

Please, be more quiet.

Many enemy soldiers
patrol the jungle.

Guerillas, I think,
Chinese and Malays.

Oh, that must be the insurgency
they were talking about,

the communists.

They are communists?
So, America's allies?

What? No.
Communists hate America.

No, American
and Russian and Chinese

are fighting together
for communism.

No, against fascism!
And that was...



Ya think?!
Ya think ouch, do ya?

The guerillas!

They will kill me, let me go!

They'll kill me!
Pull me up, or I will kill you!

At least give me the gun.

I'll give you the bullets!

You would rather we both die?!

I'm honestly
kind of on the fence!

Oh, shut up.


And here's your office,
Ms. Archer...

And if the rest of you
will follow me,

we've still got a lot to cover.

But it's all just
the same as it was.

That's the whole point.

But it almost would've
been cheaper

to build a time machine
and go back

to before the office
got blown up.

We looked into that!

But that technology
doesn't exist!

I'll catch up, I gotta
run in here real quick

and grab some urinal cakes.

Why the hell do you
need urinal cakes?

For my shower at home.

Oh, lord.

Ms. Archer looks like a mule
kicked her in the face.

How's the water?

Sweet baby James, it is perfect.

Um... Uh...


Yes, of course,
I know you're...

So I gained the weight back.
Sue me.

No, I was...

Look, my therapist says

everybody's got a hole
that needs to be filled.

Some people fill it with drugs,

some fill it with work,

some fill it with
between-meal snacks

and liquor
and their therapist's cock.

Um, I was actually
looking at your pubic hair.

Oh, yeah.
It's a lightning bolt,

but I guess the letters
could use a touch-up.

It's supposed to say "TCB."

"Takin' Care of Beaveness."




Is that medicine?

Mixed with candy.

I call 'em "Mike and Vikes."


I'm sorry about your foot.

Why? It's not your...

Wait, you led me right into
that damn tiger trap?!

My orders were to defend
this island from the enemy

until I was relieved.

I'm not...
America's not your enemy!

Japan has no enemies!
You're like...

I wanna say a platypus,

but I'm not sure
if that's an accurate analogy.

You were saying something
before you fell in,

about the communists?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Like, literally the
day after the war ended,

the U.S. and Russia
became mortal enemies.

China, too.
Called the Cold War.

Then we kinda
became friends again.

So, now you are...


I'm actually not sure
where we stand.

We left it kinda weird.

Who is we?
I do not understand.

So, I work with,
and used to date,

a woman named Lana,
who got pregnant.

Well yes, but you can hardly
blame Sterling for being upset,

I mean...

Ugh, even the ice is the same!

That hint of bleach.

Anyway, you didn't
ask if you could use his...


Malory, the whole thing about

me using his "goop"
was your idea!

Prove it.

So now let's talk about
this name, Abbiejean.

Don't you think she'd be
better off if she were a...



You do not want
to know my thoughts.

I do, Ken.
I much very do.

You're a major dickhole.

And you're kind of a mean drunk.

My wife, Hatsumi,
and my daughter, Keiko.

Do you know what I would
give to have seen her grow up?

Yeah, but... And now
you have the chance

I never had,
but you just throw it away.

I mean, ya know,
I'm going back, obviously,

I'm gonna parent the shit
outta that kid,

I just...
I just needed some...

time or space or whatever,

you know, to kinda...


The March of News!

The tide of war in the Pacific
is finally changing,

as U.S. Marines
attack the Japs

On the island of Guadalcanal.

I dunno. Some cereal.

It's supposed...

supposed to be good for you.

What's that...
What, what...

What's that?! What the...?

Oh. Morning, Ken.

So I know this a long shot,

but do you know how
to make eggs Woodhouse?


Ken, what are you doing...

Victory in the Pacific!

Japan finally surrenders,

brought to her knees
by the explosion

of two atomic bombs...

What? No, no, no!

No, Ken. Turn it off.

The first, dropped on Hiroshima,

and the second, on Nagasaki.

I, uh, I...

I'm sorry.


Why? Why are you sorry?!

That you had to see that.

That it even happened
in the f...

Sneak attack.




Mother, it's...

Well, listen up,
vinny voice-mail.

I hope you check your messages,

because if you don't
retrieve that computer

and meet the extraction
team within the next two hours,

you can just...

get used to bananas!

If you'd like to make a call...

Even the damn phone is the same.

Everything is the same.


Okay, so, Ken,
we've got a situation.

We don't have anything.

You have a situation.
I am going home to Japan!

Well unless
you wanna swim there...

which, spoiler alert,
you can't, it's too far...

you're gonna need my help!

Ha! Because you
also need my help.

Only because you just broke
two of my ribs,

in addition to impaling me
on a bamboo stake,

on which, I think we both know,
you smeared some poop!

I... And if you did I
don't wanna know!


you'd have no idea what

you're supposed
to be looking for!

Not that I do,
necessarily, but...

Will you please hurry?

Keep your raggedy
bits of shirt on!

That looks
pretty computery to me.

So now all I have to do is...


We must go now.

Not yet.
I gotta blow this thing.

Then blow it, and then come.

I mean, really?

It's like why even...

I'm sorry!

No, no, no, no, no!

Hey, remember that time
you broke some of my ribs?!

And then all the remaining ones?

It's your own fault.

My fault... Oh, shit,
I didn't blow it!

What?! I was supposed
to blow up the plane!

No, what're you...
I'll just lie!

You cannot shirk your duty!

Yes, I can! I do it all the time!


Which way
to the extraction point?

I guess head for the beach?


Yeah, it's nice,

although, I assumed
there'd be a bar.

You said this
was the extraction point.

Uh, no, I merely implied that.

I have no idea where it is.


Ah, so you did know.

No, I totally didn't.
Swear to god.

Things just usually
work out for me.

I kinda take for granted.

You Archer?


So, ready to go home?

I think no.

I have been gone far too long.

My family, even if
they are still alive,

surely by now
they have moved on.

Uh-huh. It would not
be fair to them,

if I were to return
after so many years.

Yeah, return to, uh...

Where did you and Hatsumi
and Keiko used to live?

Hm? Oh, Takamori.

A very small town,
in Nagano Prefecture, but...

Moshi moshi.


Sato Hatsumi?




Hey, there's
this new thing we have

called a schedule.

We need a minute!

Captain shit-nuts!

Tell her I said hi.


No, no, huh-uh, no.

You don't disappear
for six weeks,

and then just waltz
in here like you never left,

and casually say, "hi"!

First of all, Lana,
I didn't waltz in here,

not with nine broken ribs,
a punctured lung,

severe penetration trauma
to my foot,

and poop-related septicemia!

- And also crabs.
- Ugh!

I assume from the jungle.

Oh please, if...

Not to mention
that stupid computer,

which is why you're upset,

I mean jealous,
because I aced the mission!


And you did blow up the plane?

The plane blew up!
Yes! I don't...


Oh, shut up.


I'm not jealous
about the mission.

I'm upset because no one
knew where you were.

And if, huge if,
you're gonna be involved,

oh my god, in any sort
of parental role for Abbiejean..

No, yeah, and I, ya know,
I want to.

But are we married
to Abbiejean, or...?

Believe me, I tried.

Zip it, gee-baw!

No! I will not
be called gee-baw.

It's grandmother Archer
or nothing!

Then hush.

Because we, you and I,

are gonna have to
establish some ground rules.

Lana, they're just
gonna get broken.

I am now going
to feed our child.

If you'd like to talk
while I do so,

follow me.

I would!
I would love to talk, Lana.

Just don't wanna have to listen.

And how about
this renovation, huh?

I can't believe
they pulled it off.

You knew about this?!

Yeah, I was on
the planning committee.

I'm not a huge fan of change.

Except for you, Milton!

Subs fixed & upped by WTFX.