Archer (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Once Bitten - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Rat Patrol.

God, that was killing me.

So, yeah, these exact same jeeps

with .50-cal machine
guns on the back

and the Rat Patrol just
tore ass all over North Africa,

hassling Rommel.

How did you never see that
show? I was probably here

digging this goddamn jeep
out of this goddamn sand!

Hey, don't yell at me,

I'm not the idiot
who got us stuck.



You were driving!

So, yes, you are exactly
the idiot who got us stuck.

Whatever, the Rat Patrol drove

through deeper sand
than this. You know...

Although, I think
one guy's back-story

was that he'd been,
like, a bootlegger?

But Kentucky's not
all sand-duney, so...

Can you at least
get out of the jeep?

Yes.

Well? Uh, hang on.

[BELCHES]

But only because taking
a dump on Turkmenistan

is on my bucket list.

A true citizen of the
world. ARCHER: Right?



I mean, shut up. Is...?

Damn. Okay, I guess
this'll have to do.

Nope!

You are not using
the map for that.

Hey, I'm not the
idiot who didn't...

I mean, I also didn't
think to bring toilet paper,

but I'm not, you know...

An idiot. Exactly.

Right, because an idiot
wouldn't wipe his ass

with our only map.

No, an idiot would wipe his
ass with our only compass.

Wait, which is where?

Who am I, Lewis
and/or Clark? Archer.

The last time I saw it was on
the bar in the Athens airport.

Goddamn it!

Yeah, I doubt it's still there.

[SIGHS]

A sticky-fingered
people, the Greeks.

Well, you're not using the map!

Okay! Jesus!

Wait, what...? No, no, no!

It's this or the map, so...

We'll tell him his money's out
in the desert covered with shit.

There's still 95
grand in the bag.

And if what's-his-name...
Gorbagun Gorbanguly.

Really? Yes, really.

And you can have a hundred.

What? Cyril, since what, Monday,

I've had nothing
but ouzo and lamb.

Come on, I need
at least a thousand.

Three hundred. Oh,
for... Eight hundred.

Five. Seven.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay, seven, and
you dig out the jeep.

Okay, deal. But I take the map.

No, we just went over... To
read. Now, come on, hurry up!

The lambs are screaming.

Hey, be careful,
there might be snakes!

ARCHER: Not even
gonna swing at that one.

Ha, ha. I'm talking
about cobras.

ARCHER: What do
you know about cobras?

I know the Caspian cobra,
indigenous to Turkmenistan,

is often light brown with
darker ventral bands.

ARCHER: Well, goody,
you win cobra knowing.

Dukes, it's gonna be dark soon.

How far is it? I don't know.

I need to look at the...
[PAPER RIPPING]

Goddamn it, Archer!

ARCHER: What? I said
I needed a thousand.

Bet 300 bucks seems pretty
cheap for a map right about n...

[ARCHER YELLING]

So, hey, so, yeah,

did you say light brown with
darker whatever-al bands?

Ventral bands on... Wait, why?

Oh, just curious.

[♪♪♪]

MALORY: "Curious"
meaning what, exactly?

Uh, meaning odd or strange?

First of all,
Turkmenistan isn't...

Or how about just
sexist and stupid?

Enough! Please,
we've talked about this,

it's not even 8:30.

Let me get settled
before you clomp in here

in one of your jealous snits.

One of my... Wait, whoa, clomp?

Yes, Lana, clomp, meaning...
I know what clomp means.

Your clomping ass
ought to know. Wha...?

Seriously, I bet your
downstairs neighbors hate you.

For your information,
the Flatows

are always
incredibly polite to me.

That's because the Flatows think

they live under
a fricking AT-AT.

[MIMICKING MECHANIZED PISTONS]

Okay. Whereas this one,

almost impossibly
light on her feet.

It's like if you've ever
seen Jackie Gleason dance.

So is that a compliment, or...?

I don't see how it
possibly could be.

Okay.

Nor do I see how you
could possibly think

that you are at all
suited to a covert mission

in Turkmenistan.

Why, because I'm black,
or because I'm a woman?

Pick one.

I mean, look, I don't
want to sound racist, but...

But you're gonna
power through it.

Not about you,
about Turkmenistan.

Lana, this is a Central
Asian male-dominated,

xenophobic puppet-state
whose dictator

changed the words for bread
and Friday to his dog's name.

Gurpgork. Yes, Gurpgor...

How did you know that?

Oh, my God! How did I know that?

Okay.

MALORY: And all that
crazy is sitting on top

of an ocean of oil
and natural gas,

making this pipeline
crucial to the Russians,

which is why we're
paying Gorbanguly to...

hinder construction.

What? Wait, so now
we're paying people

to blow up oil pipelines?

See? Another reason
I didn't send you.

What, the environment?

Of what, this litter box?
Or Western Europe?

Because T-72 tanks
aren't exactly known

for their low emissions.

I want it officially on record

that I am strongly
opposed to this mission.

[LAUGHING]

What record?

Ah, can I at least put
something in the newsletter?

You're not still doing that?

No? ARCHER: Yes.

No! ARCHER: Please!

Just pretend I'm...

Who's your go-to movie
star, you know, for...?

Lorne Greene. Wow.

Yeah.

Bonanza or Battlestar?

Duh. So I come to the
Ponderosa looking for ranch work,

but my chaps get torn
and Hop Sing's just...

Ray? Time's kind
of a factor here, so...

I am not, ever,
sucking your taint.

Okay, so, Cyril, better
ChapStick it up, buddy.

First of all, not only
does sucking out

the venom not help the
victim, it can also envenom the...

Taint-sucker,
that's you, let's go.

Second of all, the
venom's not there anymore.

It's pumping through your
veins to your heart and brain.

Well, put a tourniquet on me.

You can't tourniquet the taint.

But... Wait, is my
dick gonna be okay?

The danger there is cytotoxins,
which can cause severe necrosis.

So my dick's gonna fall off?

Maybe. Aah!

The bigger danger is
neuro- and cardiotoxins

which can cause respiratory
failure, cardiac arrest...

[SCREAMING]

So the most important
thing is for you to stay calm.

[ARCHER VOMITS]

Ew. Oh, boy.

What? That's good, right?

If my body's throwing
up the poison?

It might be. If
you had drunk it.

Jesus H. Thirst, speaking of.

Ray, back pocket
down there, flask.

What? No, alcohol's
a vasodilator.

It's the absolute worst thing
you can do for a snakebite.

Well, maybe for regular people.

Cyril, it's already
full of cobra venom.

Now's not the time for any more
chemical changes to my blood.

Okay, give it to him.

Wha...? Give me that.

Here, you baby.

It's half empty.

That's still way more
than you should be...

Just shut up and... Oh.

[VOMITS THEN COUGHS]

Dig.

Hey, I'm not doing super great.

I could use some help.

I would, but I can't
feel my hands.

I meant Ray, who's
just standing there.

Ray. Damn it, on bionic legs.

Oh, right. Goddamn it, Ray.

I forgot.

How do you forget
you have bionic legs?

I... You know, are
you constantly aware

you have regular
leg bones? No, you...

Just pick up the goddamn jeep.

GILLETTE: He said,
suddenly all pro-bionic.

Okay, on three.

One, two, three. Go.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

Ray? What is that?

What are you doing? My
back, my back, my back.

Are you shitting me?

Bionic legs, and you
lifted with your back?

[GROANS]

Cyril, my gun's in the gear bag,
could you hand it to me, please?

To use as a signal? Yeah, maybe.

If there's any bullets left
after I murder both of you.

Why me?

It's number two
on my bucket list.

Okay. What's number one?

Going to one of those
things where they make some

record-breakingly huge
food like, you know,

a frittata the size
of a hockey rink.

[COUGHING]

Then eating a piece

and then laughing
because I murdered you.

Krieger, I need
you to... Krieger?

Krieger! Yep, yep, yep.

Whatever unspeakable
thing you're doing

back there can wait.

Well, you say that...

Yes, I do, and I just did,

so come on, I need
you in the control room.

Because they should
have checked in by now.

Keep trying to reach
them on the sat-phone.

If that doesn't work try
to get satellite photos

on the next pass.

And not a word of this
to anyone, especially...

Lana.

I thought I heard
self-righteous clomping.

Can I help you?

Funny, I was just
gonna ask you that.

No, we're fine.
Aren't we, Krieger?

Yes?

So the mission,
going as planned?

Yes, as a matter of fact,

they just this
minute checked in.

All good.

Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh." Ugh.

Have you ever
heard such a superior,

know-it-all tone?

Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Oh, you're serious?

RAY: Yes. CYRIL: No.

Cyril, I can't move. Archer's...

[ARCHER COUGHS]

Oh. Well, very
nearly dead, so...

I'm not calling
for an extraction.

Just because Lana makes you
feel insecure in your masculinity...

Mascu... Look who's talking.

Oh, for... Cyril, when
I was 10 years old

I killed a bear. Nuh-uh.

Really? With a bow.

Then Daddy made me take
a big old bite out of its heart.

Oh, my God. That is horrible.

No shit, I was
bawling my eyes out.

But he just kept
slapping me until I did it.

Jesus.

Seriously. No wonder you're gay.

And, Cyril, if you call ISIS,

I will literally,
literally murder you.

All right? I'd rather die than
sit through another one of

Lana's big "I told you so's."

At least you get to bang her.

Well, you seem
to be feeling better.

Hang on.

Gay-vy Crockett,
boom, nailed it.

[VOMITS]

No, I'm pretty sure I'm dying.

Since you're too pussy
to call for an extraction...

I'm digging, I'm digging.

Well, wait, hang on. Because
unless I'm hallucinating

there's a Land
Cruiser over there

flipping his high beams at us.

BOTH: You're hallucinating.

Oh. Well, the good news is

we don't have to worry
about these alligators.

That's not actually
good news, is it?

No. No, it is not.

Okay. Later, gator.

[SAXOPHONE PLAYING OFF-KEY]

No, no, no. What is
the meaning of this?

I... I'm sorry, James Mason.

But he just won't stop
tooting that darn tooter.

Mr. Archer, I'm
afraid I must ask you

to cease your
insufferable tooting.

This instant.

Fine by me. I hate opera.

Almost as much
as I hate hoodies.

What the hell's going on here?

Oh, no, not hell,
Mr. Archer, this is...

Hey. Cut-rate James Mason.

I got kicked out of
Episcopal prep school. Twice.

So if there is a heaven...

Oh, I'm sorry,
nor is this heaven.

Well, no, obviously
it's not heaven.

No, it's a...

Because Janis Joplin's
not giving me a rim job.

Way station. I beg your pardon?

Right? Sorry, a
cobra bit my taint.

Yes. I'm not myself.

Aren't you? Are I?

Are you, indeed.

Would you like to know
who Sterling Archer really is?

No? LANA: Why not?

Why won't you guys
stand up to Malory with me

about blowing up the pipeline?

Hmm, because
we don't give a shit?

About the earth?

Please, if you really
cared, you'd resign.

But there's no way you ever will
because you're counting the days

until her face, bloated
and yellow from liver failure,

she calls you to her deathbed
and, in a croaky whisper,

explains that Mr. Archer
is totally incompetent

and that you, the
long-suffering Lana Kane are

the only one qualified to run
ISIS and you weep shameful tears

because you know
this terrible place

is the only true love
you will ever know.

Excuse me.

Damn.

What? Oh, my God, was I talking?

[GRUNTS]

Who the hell is he talking to?

James. James Mason. Oh.

GILLETTE: Maybe
that's his Lorne Greene.

James Mason, why
are we in Baltimore?

I thought you might
like some insight into

how you became the man you are.

No, I would
absolutely not like...

Sterling Archer, age 18.

ARCHER: The most-recruited prep
school lacrosse player in America.

Visiting Baltimore
for the weekend

to decide if he will accept

a full athletic scholarship
to Johns Hopkins.

Whoo!

Yeah, so we don't
need to see how...

At a stop on the train
ride from New York,

you struck out the major
league home run champion,

Slammer Sloan.

Whoo!

Well, obviously. I
was awesome, but I...

MASON: Drew the
attention of a beautiful woman

named Ruth Anne Litzenberger,

qui était, vraiment,
une femme fatale.

And who followed you here

to this very hotel in Baltimore

and sent you a note
to come to her room.

Look, seriously... Whoo!

Wait, how did you
know I was staying...?

What's going on here?
RUTH ANN: Sterling?

Will you be the best there
ever was in the game?

Uh-huh.

Wha...? No!

Uh, duh.

[GRUNTS THEN THUDS]

[SAXOPHONE PLAYING OFF-KEY]

[WINDOW SHATTERS]

ARCHER: Yeah, so...

I don't know if you're deaf
or just an asshole or both,

but I'm pretty sure I said
I didn't wanna see this.

But, Sterling, do you not see

how the actions of a
deeply disturbed woman

have profoundly
influenced your life?

Well, obviously. I mean...

Oh, you mean my
lacrosse career ending

because a crazy
stalker gut-shot me.

Do I?

I don't know, James
Mason. Do you?

Besides, what
fricking movie is this?

What's next, Mr. Gower
slaps me deaf?

Come on, you're all
over the road here.

CYRIL: Well... Well, what?

I'm doing the best I can.

GILLETTE: If that's
the best you can do,

just kill yoursel...
Heh-heh-heh.

Are you bouncing on purpose?

No, I'm trying to get Archer to
whatever passes for a doctor

around here
before it's too late.

Sounds like a plan, James Mason.

And maybe if you shut up I
can concentrate on the ro...

[CYRIL YELLS]

GILLETTE: What
the shit was that?

A camel.

GILLETTE: Great, now
we've both killed a large animal.

Drive around it.

I, uh, don't think
that's an option.

[GUNS COCKING]

Hey, check it out,
Fred and Barney,

we're at the Water
Buffalo Lodge.

Krieger, any word from Sterling?

Yep, yep, yep.

Well? What did he say?

Oh, I mean nope.
Nope, nope, nope.

[SIGHS]

But, you know, I'm
sure they're fine.

Wait, no! I had
the right of way!

Seriously, I get
y'all are upset,

but I think I have
a pinched ner...

[GROANS]

Aah!

Now, just a darn minute.
We are Americans...

Oh, God.

Hello. Yeah. Way
to not call it in.

MASON: I beg your pardon?

Yeah, you should.
And I'm out of here.

I'm afraid that isn't possible.

Oh, really? And why is...?

Coming through.
Come on, make a hole.

Phrasing, boom. Boom.

Scholarship to
Johns Hopkins. Hmm.

Bit of a moot point, though,
really, given your SAT scores.

Goodbye, James Mason.

No, you... Mr. Archer, wait.

CYRIL: Please, here.

Here's $4300.
Surely that's enough

for what I now suspect
was a blind camel.

Baksheesh.

MEN: Baksheesh.

Baksheesh, exactly,
but our friend...

Okay, "snake" is...

Oh, okay, so "our friend
was bitten by a snake" is...

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

What? No, no, no.
I mean "yok, yok."

MASON: No, no.

Mr. Archer, please.

You "please,"
cut-rate James Mason.

And then shut up,
because I'm going...

home.

Goddamn it.

Or what is it?

CYRIL: Gurpgork.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

What? No. Not that Gurpgork.

[HISSING]

Ah, Gurpgork.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Ah, Gurpgork.

MAN: Gurpgork. Oh.

How's it the same word
for bread and snake

and Friday and that damn dog?

How the hell should I know?

Because you have
an entire satellite array

at your disposal, you idiot!

Yeah, I don't actually
know how any of this works.

But... That was the
fat guy you killed.

Oh, and just so you know,

I do know what
true love is, so...

Yeah.

What in God's
name was that about?

She'd probably ruin the wedding.

ARCHER: Come on,
what the hell is this?

I thought you'd like
to see something.

I've seen poverty.

I've been to... Oh, how's
it going in Turkmenistan?

Not great.

[MEN CHATTERING]

GILLETTE: Cyril,
just draw a snake.

Oh, right. Okay.

Elliptical head,
oblique dorsal scales,

symmetric sub-caudal scalation,
darker ventral bands, obviously.

Okay, here we go.

What is wrong with you people?

What's wrong with
you? Give me that.

Here. Ta-da!

A snake. Oh, that's crap.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I wanna say "duh," but...

ARCHER: What's the point?

Come on, this is stupid.

I don't need to see
this, I remember all of it.

Do you?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

that's me. I'm, like, 6.

I'm 6 today, it's my birthday.

And your mother
isn't home, is she?

No, she had to...

Look, Guatemala's
democratically elected government

wasn't gonna overthrow itself.

And with Woodhouse,
shall we say, indisposed...

[SNORING]

there was no one to give
you a birthday present.

I... Wait, no, yeah, I got...

Derman. Derman
Gurpgork. Derman Gurpgork.

[ARCHER VOMITS]

No, I don't think he
can keep bread down.

No, no, no, I think it's...

Derman is medicine.

Derman Gurpgork.

I think it's antivenom. Give me.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Baksheesh. Okay.

Oh, he wants a
lot, lot, lot of money.

So? We've got 95 grand.

But that's for the mission, to...
Blow up a fricking oil pipeline?

Wait, really?

Cyril, what did you think she
meant by "hinder construction"?

Oh. Heh.

Hey, do you ever think
maybe we're kind of

not always 100 percent of
the time doing the right thing?

Do you ever shut up and
give that man-bear 25 grand

so you and I can
split the other 70?

Yes, yes, I do.

I got a... Yeah,
I got an alligator.

[GASPS]

MAN: Hello, Sterling.

Your mother doesn't
know I'm here,

but I wanted to bring
you a birthday present.

I hope you like
alligators. I do.

I did. Thank you, mister.

But who are you?

MAN: Sterling,
I'm your real father.

[GASPS]

[GASPING]

[MEN GASP]

Archer? Buck Henry?

Oh, my God, Cyril. Ray.

I know... You're okay.

We gave you the antivenom.

Cyril, shut your dickhole.

Jesus, God, I know
who my real father was.

Well? Well, who was he?

He was...

[GRUNTING]

No, it's gone.

Goddamn it.

[♪♪♪]