Archer (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Viscous Coupling - full transcript

It is Opposite World at ISIS. Cheryl does not imprison Lana and Malory in the vault; and Archer does not shoot Ray and Cyril with poison darts. All of this activity is not done so Archer can spend some time with Katya, upset at the continued absence of Barry, still trapped at the ISA space station. Cheryl is not running interference, Krieger does not contact Barry with Archer's pre-prepared scripted gibberish and Pam does not use her AV skills. The goal of this plot is not to make a sex tape that will not drive a wedge between Barry and Katya. But remember: it is Opposite World. Will Archer regain his long lost cyborg "crush" or is there an opposite agenda afoot? Who wears the pants in a marriage with a cyborg? And who is running the KGB?

PAM: Oh, for the...
We're already late.

What'd you go
and start that for?

I didn't.

So it just spontaneously

So creepy. Look,
I've got goose bumps.

I'm sure you do.

MALORY: What is...?
Is something burning?

No. Maybe you're
having a stroke.

MALORY: I'm not having a stroke.

That's great, Mother, keep
those periodic updates coming.

MALORY: Oh, shut up.

Hey, Friday happy
hour, you guys in?

Give me that. No,
no, no, that's not...

Whoo! Ha, ha, ha.

Water. PAM: Well,
what the hell was it?

Grappa. Tsk. Aw.

No shit, that was
like 20 bucks' worth.

Who drinks a pint of grappa?

Well, nobody now,
Wendy Wasteful.

So you can buy my
first couple of rounds.

No, I can't. We... No,
you can. I'm allowing you.

Oh, my God, thank
you. You're welcome.

But we've got dates.

Meaning the fruit
of the date palm?

Ha, ha, ha. "Date"
dates, ding-dong.

With who?

Oh, just some handsome
firemen I met at a warehouse fire.

So come on, let's go already.

My cooch has cobwebs on

Krieger, hey. You
wanna get a drink?


No. It's "mushi"
night. Movie and sushi.


Oh, meaning
that's tentacle porn.

Fisherman's Wife

and Fisherman's Wife
2: The Re-Tentacling.


Mother, hey. You
wanna go get a drink?

You know, as a
matter of fact, I do.

Oh, okay.

And as another
matter of fact, I am.

With Ron, in the
bar at the Tuntmore.

And if he plays his cards right,

he'll be wetting a
lot more than his...


Ow! What is wrong with you?
Well, for one thing, tinnitus...

which... Yeah, I think
it's getting worse.

How do these
people all have dates?

These aren't people you date.

I'm who should have a
date. I'm the best at dates.

Hm. I wonder if Lana
has a date. LANA: Yes.

Lana? LANA: Yes.

You heard that? LANA: Yes.

Who are you, Jaime
Sommers? LANA: Yes.

No, seriously, I
can barely hear me.

Are my ears really
that messed up?

LANA: Yes. Yes!

Yes, yes! Okay,
Jesus, I'm not deaf.

I'm just... LANA: Yes!

Going to vomit.

I'm going to vomit.

Not on my carpet,
you're not. I...

Oh, for God's sake, get a room.


We did.



LANA: Shut up,
because first of all,

I don't have to explain
myself to you, of all people.


And if you blow
that thing again,

the next time you hear it,

it'll be when some whore
is giving you a blow job.

Hm. Doesn't even make sense.

Ha, ha. I think she means
she'll shove it up your...


Dick hole, and
where'd you get that?

Uh, rape-prevention class

which, turns out, is a
not-good place to meet women.

No shit. ARCHER: Yeah.

It's like their guard is so up,
it's... Cyril, Scotch, where?

Well, if you mean my
grandfather's Glengoolie Blue,

you drank it and then
puked into my trash can.

Oh, my God. Lana I get,
she wants to make me jealous,

but are you seriously just
getting me back for the Scotch?

Do you even hear yourself?

It honestly kind of
comes and goes.

Well, since, thanks to
you, I didn't do the former,

now we're doing the latter.

Cyril, go start the car.
Are you not going to...?

Cyril, remember the
ground rules for this?

So carefully negotiated?

I will go start the car.

And before you say it...

Ha. How long has it been
since you got laid, Lana?

That's not why I'm
dating Cyril again.

Uh-huh. So two...?
No. Not two years, ass.


Fourteen months.
So go ahead, laugh.

At what? I was gonna say
two weeks. Two years is...

Lana, that is the third
saddest thing I've heard today.

Pam told me about a little girl

who drowned trying
to save a puppy.

Jesus. What was
the second saddest?

The puppy drowned too.

But it's a close third.

I mean, don't do this, Lana.

Come on, I'd be
happy to bang you.

Me and anybody
who could fog a mirror.

Well, before, maybe,

but I really think I've
changed, you know,

and/or matured. Ha!

No, I'm serious.
With the cancer,

and my possible father
dying and, uh... Um...

Oh, my God. The tinnitus.

Archer... Hang on,
should we get that?

Get what? Wait,
is the phone not...?


Damn you, tinnitus,
you're a cruel mistress.


But seriously, do
you not hear that?

Yes, now.

It's your phone. Oh. Duh.

Wait, please. Lana, come on.

You can't deny we're
attracted to each other.


So, what if all that stuff
really has matured me?

I know I'm not perfect, but
you have to admit I'm better.

Than? Than I was.

And also than
Cyril could ever be.

First of all, Cyril...

Cheated on you as
much as I did, Lana,

and I'm 10 times
handsomer than him, so...

They're the same. Lana,
be honest with yourself.

It was actually
about 10 times worse.


What happened to
your idiot voice mail?

Oh. I'm doing this new
thing where now it just rings.

Drives people crazy.

Oh, my God, you have matured.

Lana, I have. Just
let me prove it.

If, in some crazy parallel
universe, I agreed to that,

how would you?

By... Jesus, hang on.

Woodhouse might be trapped
in the dumbwaiter again.

He was in there
two days last time.

Your apartment is one level.
How do you have a dumbwaiter?

Goes sideways. Hello?


Uh-huh. Uh-huh.


Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, bye.


Okay, Lana, check
you later. What?

What about all that just
now? All what just now?

About how you've matured
and you wanna get back together.

That's what you heard? Wow,
your ears are even worse than mine.


Wait, was that even
Woodhouse? Nope.

Then who was it?



Yes, my dear
Sterling, come for me.

Phrasing, boom.



Hey, asshole!




And, oh, my name
is Cyril Figgis.






Hey, how's it going?

KATYA: Thank you.
They're beautiful.

Sorry about the chocolate,

I didn't know you were
allergic or whatever.

The alkaloids.

They can make a problem
with my bioelectronics.

Oh, right. Because
you have those.

And I'm sorry if
you misunderstood.

I did not call you
for the romance.

I... Yeah. I mean, yeah. No duh.

Besides I wouldn't be
interest... I have a girlfriend, so.


Yeah, an actress,
of stage and screen.

Oh. Well, I hope she
makes you happy.

Is funny, you don't
ask where is Barry.

Heh, heh. What do you
mean, "Where is Barry?" He's...

Yeah, where is Barry?



I don't know.

And only one week after...

Well, you know,
when I left you for him,

he said he must go
for work to London.

Wow, that was months ago.

And since then, it's nothing.

Not a word.

What could have
happened to him? Uh.


He is on space station? But why?

Well, you know,
I hate to say this,

but obviously he
met someone else.

Heh. Sterling, please.

Yeah, that was the third
dumbest thing I've ever said.

Wait, what were the first two?

Buddy, you just
sold a time-share.

Make that two time-shares.

Goddamn maintenance fees.

Sterling, will you
please help me find him?

How? That office
was, like, just a trailer.

Barry. Oh.

Barry, right. Um.
Please, Sterling,

if you ever truly loved me,

you will help Barry
to come home to me.


PAM: Okay, let
me get this straight.

You wanna help psycho
cyborg super-villain Barry,

who's trapped in space
like General fricking Zod,

get back to Earth so
she'll dump him for you?

Right? When Barry gets back,

she'll realize
what a dick he is,

so she'll need
somebody to talk to,

so enter Sterling Archer,
the sensitive friend.

What is this, Opposite World?

Yeah, right?


Oh, for... This is
not Opposite World.

I think in her
mind that means...

God, okay. This
is Opposite World.


Okay, and since certain
people around here

may not see how
brilliant my plan is,

they're gonna need to
be... PAM: Convinced?

I'm sorry, did you
say "incapacitated"?

Because, Krieger,
I can't have the...

Responsible people?
- - "naysayers" walk in on you

while you're helping
Barry build a rocket.

Barry the unstoppable
psycho cyborg.

He's not unstoppable
anymore. Ray's got bionic legs.


But if you don't
wanna see two robots

smashing each other
with cop cars and shit

as they fight to the death

through the streets
of Manhattan...

Bap-bap-bap. Stop.

My penis can only get so erect.



I was tired. Ew.


ARCHER: Cyril?

CYRIL: What? Oh!
ARCHER: Heh, heh, heh.




RAY: What? Unh!

ARCHER: Seriously,
how is that even a genre?

And is this just
jackoff central?

PAM: Ugh! Not with
all this damn racket.

What...? Why aren't
you in position?

PAM: I am, this is how I do it.

Ew. I meant with Mother.

PAM: Oh. I put Cheryl on that.

Great, Miss Opposite World.

You heard me,
do not go in there.

Why? What are
you hiding this time?

Probably another one of
her so-called mystery fires.

Lana, I said no.

Okay, so where's the...?

Fire. Ugh.


Worst day ever!

Okay, status report.
Mother in there?


MALORY: Carol,
open this damn door.

Okay, now I just need to

LANA: Cheryl.
And neither is Lana.

Nice. Hey, excellent
job, seriously.

Ow! I mean, totally
shit job? LANA: Cheryl.

Thank you.

So when I said this
is Opposite World...

Pam, the important
thing is that I'm happy.

Try not to overthink it.

I wanna help you finish your
new spaceship. Why is that weird?

"Why is that weird?"

Because my sworn purpose in life

is to murder your
little buddy Archer?

Archer? No way,
man. I hate that guy.

Since when?

Since, um, he slept
with my girlfriend.


Keep it up.

God, that is just
classic Archer.

Right? I mean,
not a huge surprise

from a self-centered alcoholic

who's compelled to sleep
with every woman he meets

because that's the only
way to fill the emptiness

where his mother's
love should... Ow!

Do what?

One sec?

What the shit? What?
You said be convincing.

Convincing, not
deliberately hurtful.


Yo, asshole. What
are we doing here?

Fixing that spaceship, buddy.

Looks like it's just
about done, huh?

Yeah, those scientists
were pretty resourceful

till they all died.

And how did they, uh, all die?

Ah, heh, different ways.


Swift and severe. The
punishment will be swift and severe.

I mean it, Lana,
that girl is out of here.

And right when she was
gonna invest $10 million in ISIS.

She said that? Oh, my God,

that phony prospectus
must have worked.

Do you think the
money's in here?

Come on, help me
look in these boxes.

Malory. What?!

Oh. Damn it.

So, yeah. Krieger's helping
Barry finish his rocket ship.

And when he gets home, he can
tell you about the other woman.

The what?

Wait, how'd we get
to another woman?

Oh, my God. Do you
have proof of this?

No, I can probably get some.


If Barry really is
cheating on me...

And also if I can
prove it somehow.

Then he will be dead to me.

Because I will kill him
with my bare hands.


Yeah, or not, since
there's no reason

for him to come home at all.

What's that? Nothing. What?

Oh, you mean that?

Sorry, that's just
a sympathy boner.



Ha, ha, ha! Whoo!

Cyril Figgis strikes again!


Status report. Terrible.

Wh...? Wait, what
happ...? Goddamn it.

What? Dude, assimilate.

Are Mother and
Lana still in the vault?

No. I... Ugh!

A situation, by the way, for
which I blame you entirely.

How is this my
fault? You were the...

Holy shit, there really are
nerve-gas canisters up here.

I thought that was a joke.

How is that funny?

ARCHER: Because I said so.

What's this even written
on? A bar bill, and just do it.

Forget about actually
fixing the rocket.

But what about the robot fight?

And why are you beating on shit?

Because shit is stuck.

Dude, it's not a
fricking tractor.

That's what all the space
nerds up here kept saying.

Until Other Barry just
couldn't stand it anymore.

I... Krieger.

Forget the robot fight and
just read the damn script.

Then upload the
audio to the mainframe.

Okay, either Barry.

I need you to find a
female coax bus connector.

What's a female
whatever look like?

Pam. Pam!

Pam! What?!

Come on, I need your help on...

Wait, what were
you doing in there?

Nothing. But don't go in there.

No. Uh-uh.

That's how Mother and Lana
wound up locked in the vault.

A situation, by the
way, for which...

I heard you!

Come on. You're still into
all that stupid AV stuff, right?

Uh. Not really.

Okay, so screw those in.

Wait, all of them? Damn
it, man, I said screw.

I am screwing.

Wow, this might actually
work. PAM: What's that?

I said, why not use this
one? No. Give me that.

Why? What's on
here? Nothing. Jesus.

CYRIL: Christ, Ray.

Is it too much to
ask? Just once?

To be unconscious in a bathroom

without being sexually
assaulted by...?

You, um, have a
dart in your neck.

So do you. Oh.

Sorry I accused
you of... It's okay.

Come on, let's find our...



Heh, heh, heh.
Yes. Ha, ha, ha. Ow!

Will you focus?

That's as good as I
can get it, dick-nuts.

Shut up. Okay, then
that'll have to do.

So make a tape
or whatever, and...

So just a quick heads-up.

Miss Archer and Lana
are still in the vault.

Then why are you
bothering...? LANA: Cheryl!


MALORY: Pam, you
better not be making pornos.

Okay. Tape, woman, tape.

Okay, here. Dick-nuts.





I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Now, the audio's a
little rough, you know.

I mean, it's from
outer space, but...

Sterling, please,
I want to hear it.

Well, Katya, you say that.

Barry? Barry, it's me, Archer.

That's me talking to Barry. Shh.

BARRY: Classic Archer.
That's Barry, talking to...


ARCHER: So listen,
Katya asked me to call you.

BARRY: Shit. She's
wondering why you left.

BARRY: Because
couldn't stand it anymore.

ARCHER: So you lied to her about

being on the space
station because...?

BARRY: Archer. I am screwing

female scientists
up here. All of them.

ARCHER: Oh, I was
gonna ask which one, but...

All of them. All of them.

All of... Okay, Barry, I...

BARRY: Different
ways. Like... In asshole.


ARCHER: Okay, Barry.
Jesus, have some...


Katya, baby, don't.
Come on, you'll...

Wait, does that
even hurt your hands?

The only thing that
hurts is my heart.

And when Barry gets back,

his heart will hurt
because I will rip it out.

What if Barry
wasn't coming back?

But you said Krieger
was fixing rocket.

Yeah, but only because he wanted
to see an epic robot... Oh, shit.

Will you excuse me for a sec?


No, no, no!

Yeah. I think
that's got her, dude.

Told you it was the
viscous coupling.

Well, goody, you win space camp.

So tell Archer I'm
coming for him.

Phrasing, boom,
and both Barrys out.

ARCHER: Krieger!

Why is Barry
rocket-shipping away

from the fricking space station?

Because Newton's
third law of motion.

Hey, thanks, Neil
deGrasse Tyson.

Ooh. DeGrasse Tyson-san.

How the hell did
you fix his ship?

I gave you a bunch of gibberish.

I may have gone a
teeny bit off-script?

Wha...? What is wrong with you?

With me? Dude, robot fight.

Oh, and Barry
said tell you he's...

I heard him.

Okay, I'll tell Katya to pack a
bag and we'll move to Alaska

or somewhere else snowy
where he can't track us.

Doesn't even make sense.

You know what
doesn't make sense?

RECORDING: The number you
have dialed has been disconnected


Or is no longer in
service. Goodbye.


Hey, pumpkin pie.

KATYA: Yeah, don't give
me your pie of pumpkin, Barry.

You are in the big trouble.

I... I told you.

I said don't try to kill
Sterling, and what do you do?

Uh, that.

Da, but I do what you ask me.

To repair your
rocket, I use Sterling,

and once again
break his heart, so...

Archer? Ha. Please.

No, you please, he loves me.

You should have
heard that pathetic tape.

Well, whatever,
look... No, you look.

When you get home, you're going
to have some new ground rules.

Ha, ha, ha. Okay, hon.
Look, I'm sorry I lied

but, uh, I make the rules.

I mean, heh, heh, I am
the head of the KGB, so...

Hello? Darling,
you're breaking up.


Now, who do I have to screw
to get a drink around here?

Nobody, ma'am. Unless you want.

And if you do want,
I can be bottom.

No problem there.