Archer (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Legs - full transcript

[GILLETTE GRUNTING]

Uhn. Okay, okay, okay.

You got it, you got it, you...

[YELLS]

Hah. Good morning, floor.

[BEEPING]

Good morning,
asshole smoke alarm!

And good morning, medical bills.

Oh, and your
friend, crippling debt.

[SIGHS]

No, no, no!



Good morning,
bittersweet memories.

Good morning, bag
of the unspeakable.

And good morning to you, Archer.

The other shit bag in my life.

It's broken?

Huh? Huh? The elevator's broken?

Huh? The elevator.

Huh?

The elevator! Out of order.

I can see that! Why
the hell did you ask?

[GRUNTING]

You're late. I...

Jesus, sweat much?

The elevator's broken. No shit.



And once again,

you parked that
ridiculous car in my space.

Well, A, the El
Camino is not a car.

Truck, whatever!
Nor is it a truck. It's a...

Vehicular
hermaphrodite? Shut up.

And, B... Wait, what was B?

I don't know, we'll
say B was "shut up."

And are we done here?

I need to go not
pack some shoes,

since I'm gonna
buy about 10 pairs

when we get there. Get where?

Rome!

Not for the Morelli thing.

I planned that entire operation.

Yes, and you did
excellent legwork.

Yeah, but now it requires
literal legwork, Ray,

like walking and maybe running.

Hopefully not running,

because I'll be in
brand-new shoes.

That is so unfair.

Not as unfair as how
laid I'm gonna get.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Sorry, honey.

Yeah, we'll bring you a present.

Oh, blow me.

ARCHER: Why?
You couldn't feel it.

[SIGHS THEN KRIEGER
CLEARS THROAT]

What? Nothing,
I'm just curious...

A bag. I piss and
shit in a plastic bag.

Me too. But actually
I was wondering

if you'd like to walk again.

No, Krieger, because this way,

I never have to buy new shoes.

Yeah, but is that worth it?

[♪♪♪]

GILLETTE: Robot legs.

No, this has nothing
to do with robotics.

I'm talking about bionics.

From the Greek
for, like, "kick-ass."

Is there a Greek
word for "insane"?

Yes. I mean, I
assume there is, but...

If you think I'm
gonna let you turn me

into some sort of cyborg
zombie like Katya...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no.

Zombie implies I
raised her from the dead.

Oh, then I'm using it correctly.

No, you're not.

For one thing, Katya
wasn't completely dead.

Just pretty dead?

[SHUDDERING]

So pretty. Hello?

Hmm? Oh.

So nothing a few hundred
thousand volts couldn't cure.

The human body's
basically a potato clock.

It's gonna look
like I'm leaving,

but that's only
because I'm leaving.

Why won't you let me help you?

Besides the fact
you'll probably kill me?

Yes. Because it's wrong!

I may have wandered
pretty far from the Church

but I do still believe
there are some things

that only God should do.

Like give you an erection?

I'm assuming you mean

give me the ability
to have an erection?

Also yes.

LANA: No.

Yes, Lana. We don't need a...

Rocket launcher,
si, molto pronto.

Hmm.

Not on the preapproved list
of equipment for this mission.

The what? The...

I heard you. Why did you ask?

Preapproved by whom?
Oh, now you're on my side.

Shut up. Common enemy.

That's how Lana
and I started dating.

Shut up. Preapproved by whom?

Ms. Archer. What? She
doesn't know what we need.

Last time she was in the field,

they were still using muskets.

Really? Seriously?

No?

Look, dipshit, my
mother obviously

doesn't know
about this stuff, so...

So she goes by my personal
professional recommendations.

I'm gonna need
you to repeat that.

I said... No, no, no. Shh.

After I come back there

and pull your tongue
out through your...

[DOOR BUZZES] Asshole.

Ew. Ew.

You'd need a bulldozer
made of acid to get in here.

Oh, or Spacebot.

If you continue to
behave threateningly...

You haven't seen threateningly.

You'll need one
to get out of there.

Remember Spacebot? Guys?

KRIEGER: And so a small power
unit goes here on your spiny thing,

which sends electrical impulses

to your muscles and
ligaments and stuff,

which I will fuse to a
vanadium alloy endoskeleton,

replacing your
current, uh, leg bones.

I have to say, it
kind of worries me

you don't know the
names of the actual bones.

Who cares? Pfft.
They're in the Dumpster.

Ew. Wait, then all I
need is the power unit

not a bunch of vanadium bones.

Yeah, but they're awesome.

But if you don't put everything
back where it's supposed to go...

I've already done it twice.

There you go, Conway.

Plus, when I'm taking
out the old bones,

I take tons of pictures
with my phone.

Oh, well, then what
could go wrong?

Seriously?

Sarcastically.

Oh, because you could die.

Whew. I realize that.

And I'll, you know, sign a
release form or whatever.

Oh, that's not
necessary. Really?

No, I mean, if, God
forbid, the worst happens,

there's lots of Dumpsters.

Jesus. Sure, if he helps.

[YAWNS]

Okay, so when do we do this?

You should already be feeling
the effects of the anesthetic.

The...? Goddamn it, Krieger!

So whenever my
assistants get here.

What's up, spaghetti-legs?

Wait a minute.
Yeah, where's Carol?

Getting that list
of shit you wanted.

[DOOR BUZZES]

Thank you.

Seriously, what am I, hourly?

Are you not? I don't know!

Move.

Oh, and when I'm
through talking to Malory,

I wouldn't be surprised
if you're out of a job.

I would. Burn.

LANA: Cyril.

Is it Halloween
already? I don't know!

Then why are you
dressed like that?

Because, duh,

I'm helping Krieger turn
Ray into a stupid cyborg.

A what?

But I guess some
cyborgs are smart.

Wait, what are
you talking about?

You gotta be
pretty smart to fool

the old Voight-Kampff machine.

In Krieger's lab?

Anywhere, duh, it's portable.

No, no, no!

Uh... Yes, it is.

Yo, Magnum, P.U.

I need a lead-acid
battery, 50 units of plasma,

some bolt cutters and
something called a "defrimbulator."

That's a made-up word.

They're all made-up.

[LAUGHS THEN GASPS]

Mind blown!

[YAWNS]

Yeah, what could go wrong?

Ray's gonna be a cyborg
over my dead body!

Or preferably his,
but somebody's!

What could possibly go...?

[YAWNS]

[SNORING]

Hey, should I wash my hands?

Eh. I didn't.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

ARCHER: Krieger! Krieger!

Krieger, open this goddamn door!

Krieger, I'm gonna count to one!

Oh, that's right,
he hates robots.

For the... This is a robot.

Gillette is a human being.

But he won't be for long if
you don't clamp that artery.

ARCHER: One!

[MAN SCREAMING]

Brett? What in the hell?

Were those gunshots?

Oh, who knows with these people?
It's one calamity after another.

Yes, exactly,

that's why you need a
nice, long, relaxing cruise.

[SIGHS]

But I really, really, really
don't think I'll enjoy it.

Sure you will.

Brett?

Archer, what the
shit are you doing?

Investigating a
ballistic anomaly.

Wha...? Come on, walk and talk.

I don't think
he's on this floor,

but idiot Brett
managed to get shot.

Yeah, he's the idiot. Right?

You idiot. If I hadn't
checked the time

at that exact second,
I'd be dead right now.

Which reminds me,
Grover Cleveland called,

he wants his watch back.

Archer.

He left two
non-consecutive messages.

This was my
grandfather's, you ass.

I'll buy you another one.

Now, how were you
holding it, like, exactly?

I don't know,
like this, I guess.

Okay, so... Boom.

Come on, this is awesome.

It's like we're the
Warren Commission.

Look, look, look, check it out.

It's a real magic bullet.

Why were you shooting
at Krieger's door

in the first place?

Oh, shit, right.

Brett, this might be
some kind of record,

so if you can move, don't!

I gotta go stop him.

Stop who?

ARCHER: Whom! Archer!

ARCHER: Krieger! He's
making a gay Terminator!

And, yep, officially confused.

Yeah, I mean, did he
mean a terminator of gays?

Because Krieger's
creepy and weird,

but he's not homophobic,

I don't think, so he
must have meant...

Well, no, aren't
Terminators asexual?

Not when I'm done with him.

Come on, how's
that even supposed

to fit inside another
human being?

[MACHINE WHIRRING AND BEEPING]

Oh, that shouldn't be
doing that. There we go.

No, no, no, do it again,
do it again, do it a...!

This man is barely
clinging to life, woman.

Get ahold of yourself.

Sorry.

And then get ahold of
your goddamn beer can.

Sorry, jeez.

[LIQUID SLOSHING]

Meh.

Ugh. Blood pressure?

Ah. I'll be honest,
it's not great.

I'm talking about his.

[BURPS]

PAM: Me too. MALORY: Since when?

Since the new
intelligence, Mother,

from Ray about the mission.

That says you need
a rocket launcher?

Yes. Uh... Can I...

No. Just sort of interject here?

This is exactly what I'm
talking about, with the stress.

Ron.

Seriously, Ron, why
aren't you at work?

Because I spent 30
years building the business

so I don't have to be.

Because I hired good managers.

Walk into any one of
my six dealerships...

Not six. Oh, yeah?

Next year it'll be seven, sport.

We just broke
ground in White Plains.

That's actually
fairly impressive.

You have no idea.
With that city council?

Ron, this isn't a
car dealership, it's...

The same principle.

You build it, you hire
people you trust to manage it.

Hah! Yeah. Hah.

And then you collect
the fruits of their labor.

Because don't...

Please, don't take this
the wrong way, babe,

but you're not
getting any younger.

You said a rocket launcher?

I did. I did say a
rocket launcher.

Then give this to who's its.

I will. I will give
this to who's its.

And call me if you
ever wanna test-drive

the new Coupe de Ville.

Well, actually I just got
a new El Camino, so...

Oh, so you're all set.

That'll hold way more
Hispanics and lawnmowers.

[LAUGHING]

Wow. I know.

That's why I can
never stay mad at him.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Right? Wait, why were you mad?

Because I think
Krieger's doing some kind

of bionic shit to Ray's legs.

And Archer obviously...
Would rather see Ray dead.

Jeezy P, I mean,
besides Barry and Katya,

what is his deal with robots?

[MOANING]

Servant, call an ambulance.
Yes, sir, right away, sir.

An ambulance? He
needs emergency surgery.

And even then it'll be a miracle
if we can save those testicles.

But what could have caused this?

Mumps? Or who knows.

The important thing is
what are you doing tonight?

I... Oh.

Well, I said I might
meet some people

at this thing downtown

but it sounded like
it'll be pretty heavy

on Negroes and jazz, so...

I happen to love
Negroes and jazz.

Oh, well, then I'll
just get my coat.

And I'll wait here
for the ambulance

to take your grievously
wounded child

to the hospital for
emergency surgery.

Yes, Woodhouse,
and then you can go

buy some wax for your cross.

LANA: Krieger?

KRIEGER [ON
INTERCOM]: Oh, my God.

I'm a little busy right now!

Yeah, I know. Are
you cyborging Ray?

No.

Look, I think it's
great if you are.

Then, yes.

But I think Archer's
gonna try to stop you.

He's kind of freaking out.

Let him. That door
came off the Graf Spee.

To get in here he'd need...

RODNEY: One RPG-7 launcher

and two grenades as per
the note from your mother.

Thank you... Sorry, what
was your name again?

Rodney. Thank you, asshole.

MALORY: What in the...?

Why aren't you people
on the way to the airport?

We may have sort of a situation.

And what sort would that be?

This is what I'm
talking about. Ron.

If you keep it up, this
headache you gave me

is going to last for the
next three to five nights.

Look, don't worry, I
can handle it. But...

Let her handle it.
She seems capable.

Hey, thanks.

Reminds me of the head mechanic
at my dealership in Yonkers.

He's a black.

Wow. I know, and head mechanic.

Come on, babe,
let these people do

whatever it is you
pay them to do

and let's go start our weekend.

All right, but don't
miss that flight!

God knows how long it takes to
check in with a rocket launcher.

Oh, shit.

Well, calling the
airport's not gonna help.

[LINE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING] Oh,
and one last thing, Rodney,

when I get back
from Rome, you're...

Hang on one second. Armory.

Hey, will you bring
me a present?

Mm, no.

Mm-hm, mm-hm. Okay.
Ahem. You were saying?

I... Shit, something
about an ass-kicking

with handmade Italian shoes.

Well, think about
it. You've got time.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Obtaining armory matériel
under false pretenses

is a fireable offense.

Oh, my... I basically just lurch

from one fireable
offense to the next.

Ugh. Like the
infamous luau incident?

Jesus Christ, how many times
do I have to apologize for that?

Once would be nice!

Mm, no.

Rodney, open this door.

Give me that weapon.

Oh. You mean this
rocket launcher?

Because I bet it
would open the door.

That is inadvisable
at this time.

You know, if I asked it nicely.

RODNEY: I seriously
wouldn't do that.

Yeah, because
you're not awesome.

[RUMBLING]

Oh, and what fresh hell is this?

Whatever it is,
they can handle it.

They can't even
handle a simple luau.

My God, what
they did to that pig.

MAN: Help! Brett?

[GRUNTING] Yeah.

Great, now I get to slog my new
Delmans through a lake of blood.

I want that all cleaned
up before Monday, mister!

Do you hear me? RODNEY: No!

Because that
room is blast-proof!

Mawp.

[RINGING]

Mawp.

[MUFFLED] Mawp.

[INAUDIBLE]

What the shit was that? Ugh.

Hopefully the last remaining
shred of Archer's eardrums.

That crazy son of a... Come on!

Why is your instinctive response
to run toward explosions?

Uh... Because I'm
not a giant pussy?

Although somehow
incredibly single.

Wha...? I go on tons of dates!

With who?

Men. Men models.

Men who model.

Permanent damage to my earballs

because you're too chickenshit

to take your
candy-ass to the future

and smash the
defense grid so Skynet...!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not cool,
man. That is not at all cool.

Rodney, you mind
your own dicky beeswax.

You got another one
in you? RODNEY: Ew.

I don't. Tease.

And I'm sorry for
that one. Don't be.

Because I'm just gonna say it.

I think it's super creepy

you get sexually aroused
by physical violence.

[MOANS]

Well, but also
emotional violence.

Wow. Yeah.

That's even creepier.

So are you gonna
open the damn door?

As soon as you
give me that weapon.

Do you honestly wanna live

through the rise
of the machines?

Which you won't,
because no one will?

I... It was rhetorical.

[ZIPPER OPENS]

So now if you'll excuse me,

I have an entire
human race to save.

What is he...? Hey,
that's ISIS property!

ARCHER: What, this? Yes.

Take me with you!
ARCHER: Shut up!

Oh, yeah, even
that little bit's enough

to get the engine revved up.

So, Rodney...

Tease! [DOOR BUZZES]

Jeezy Petes.

Cyril, what are you
doing right now?

I...

Helping me find
Archer. Where is he?

[SIGHS]

Super.

Are you calling
the airport again?

Cyril, shut your goddamn mouth!

[GASPS THEN SHUDDERS]

[LINE RINGING]

Hey, guess what's
not a good time.

Wait, where? Gotta
be somewhere in there.

Not you. And did
you count right?

What, to five,
dick-nuts? LANA: Krieger!

You gotta keep him
away from the lab.

We're almost done, if
somebody can find their last beer.

[BURPS]

I can promise it ain't my last.

I mean, I doubt he can find it.

Goddamn it, I
told them. I said...

ARCHER: Maps all
through the HVAC ducts.

Or just at the,
whatever, junctions.

I won't even waste
however much dry-erase

it'll take to write that down.

No, Mother, because
you were too busy

wasting it on Fourth of Ju-Luau.

KRIEGER: But still, see
if you can flush him out.

I'd hate to use the nerve gas.

Do not use the nerve gas!

And yet incredibly single.

How the hell do
we flush him out?

Uh, duh. Huh?

I said, how hot can you make it?

[THUMPING]

ARCHER: No, no, no.

It's already happening.

Holy shit, already?

Yeah, I actually feel pretty
good. How is that possible?

It's a proprietary blend.

And barring some sort
of massive infection...

Don't look at me.
Found number six.

You should be up
and around by Monday.

Well, then can I go home?

Because it is hot
as balls up in here.

The thermostat's
becoming sentient.

Oh, God, that's how
Maximum Overdrive started.

[AIR HISSING]

[♪♪♪]

MALORY: Well, I'd
be lying if I said I cared.

Malory, Ray can walk
again. Buh-duh-buh-ba!

You mean mince? You know...

Maybe he can mince
down to the bank

and apply for a $12,000
loan for a new furnace.

Why did you idiots leave
it on 90 all weekend?

[THUD THEN ALL GASP]

[IN ROBOT VOICE] Your
clothes. Give them to me.

Aah! ARCHER: Ha-ha.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm kidding, obviously.

I wouldn't be caught
dead in a sweater vest.

Now if you'll excuse me...

Just like Fourth of Ju-Luau.

Yeah, if you slid
a pig under him.

[♪♪♪]