Archer (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Wind Cries Mary - full transcript

MALORY: Item six.

[PEOPLE MUTTERING]

We're not done with item five.

Well, obviously we are,
because I just said "item six."

Where are we
supposed to eat lunch

if you close the break room?

Wherever you'd like.

As long as it's not Le
Cirque, Lutèce, Elaine's, 21,

The Russian Tea
Room or The Palm.

Like we can afford to
eat lunch at any of those.

All the better.



Saves us all the embarrassment
of my snubbing you.

Malory... And... Shut up.

It will save me God knows
how much on exterminators.

That break room is disgusting.

A pig wouldn't be
caught dead in there.

CHERYL: Yeah, it
would. KRIEGER: Aw.

Pigley Two. And you...

Mr.
I-Can-Solve-Your-Ant-Problem.

First of all, it's
Dr. I-Can-Solve-Your-Ant-Problem...

[KRIEGER GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING]

and second of all,
here's your refund.

I really thought
that would work.

Ha. What were you going for,



ant-strength relative
to the size of a human?

Shut up. Everyone shut up,

because item six:

Ah. Talk to Pam today,

because somehow and
seemingly impossibly soon,

it is once again
time for peer reviews.

[ALL GROAN & PAM CHEERS]

Ugh, how can you not hate those?

I don't know, maybe I'm
the only one who cares

about this being an efficient
and supportive work environment.

Maybe you're lame.
Shut your dick-holster.

So see me after, I've
got everyone paired off.

Well, except Ms. Archer.

Why don't you have
to do it? Well, I would,

if I had a peer in
this entire building.

Item seven:

Oh. You all remember Lucas Troy.

[ALL GROAN]

PAM: That shitbag.
What? Luke's awesome.

He's a kickass agent,
a great wingman,

he can drink Ireland
under the table...

Man, back when we were
training together, we tore it up!

Just like his ISIS contract.

I trained him for a year and
the minute he's worth a damn

he goes to work for ODIN.

She said,
oversimplifyingly. Wha...?

And so, congratulations
to all our new agents,

but especially to our
highest-scoring recruit,

Lucas Troy.

[ALL CHEER]

Way to go, Luke! Uh...

I'm gonna work for ODIN.

He was still awesome.

And my best... Only...

Shut up. My best friend, Mother,
which is why you hated him,

because you were
jealous of our relationship.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

So you two were
in a relationship.

No, not the Ray kind. Meaning?

Homosexual, Ray.
So, so obviously.

What's not obvious,
Mother, is why my best friend,

the awesome Luke Troy,
is on your stupid agenda!

Oh, right, let's see here.

[HUMMING]

Oh. He's dead.

He's what? Dead. Jesus.

Clean the "secretly gay for
Lucas Troy" out of your ears.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

This is crazy, how
could Luke be...

Gay? Dead, Lana!

And your little, whatever,
gay innuendos don't merit a...

PAM: Reach-around?

Ow! Jesus! Ha!

It's just like my birthday
party all over again.

Remember? No!

Yeah. Because
you weren't invited.

Mother, tell me
exactly what happened.

To lure a black market
arms dealer into the open

Troy was posing
as a nuclear scientist

who had stolen enough
uranium for a dirty bomb.

Oh, man, that is
classic Luke the Spook!

"Hey, stupid, here's
your fake uranium,"

click, handcuffs,
drops mic on stage.

Yes, that was the plan.

But somehow, thanks to what
I just assume is ODIN idiocy,

Troy acquired real
uranium. Even classicer.

The bad guys would
obviously bring a geiger counter.

And ten million
dollars in bearer bonds.

And when the smoke had cleared

four ODIN agents
were dead, the uranium,

the bad guys and the
money had all disappeared.

And so had Troy.
Doesn't prove anything.

Oh, for... Archer, if it
walks like a duck and

quacks like a duck and murders
a bunch of its fellow ducks...

Then, uh, maybe the duck
knew there was a mole. Huh?

Ever think of that? That maybe
there's a fox in the henhouse?

Or a wolf in sheep's clothing?

Or one of the other
tricky animals?

Well, we'll never know.

The plane he escaped
in crashed in Vermont.

What, no, I bet he
faked his own death

so he can expose the mole.

Uh, there is no mole
and faked it how?

Paging Dr. Cooper.

Dr. D.B. Cooper.

Lana, he obviously
bailed out... And then

landed safely, buried his chute,

ran ten miles to the crash site

and then strapped himself
into the still-burning wreckage?

That... That could be anybody.

Well, anybody with
his dental records.

What? Yes, Sterling, I'm...

Actually no, I'm not sorry.

He was a traitor and a thief
and so I'm glad he's dead.

If he is!

Because you've always been
insanely jealous of my friends!

So if you'll excuse me, Mother,

I have to go clear the
name of an American hero.

Does he seem almost
a little too fond of Troy?

Yeah, and you know
he was gay, right?

As a tangerine. In jean shorts.

GILLETTE: I thought
Troy was already dead.

Because he wants
you to think that!

But I have a list of
all his known aliases,

so see if any of
them used a passport.

Lana, I will hire Kenny
Loggins to come here

and play an acoustic set while
I slap some sense into you.

Ray, back me up here.

Luke Troy, yes or
no, gayest dude ever?

Uh...

Ow! Ha-ha-ha!

Dude, what? It was just the tip.

Meathead frat-boy
asshole jock maybe,

but no, definitely not gay.

What? Boom!

[PHONE RINGS]

Sorry. What?

What? I knew it. Where is he?

And why don't we leave the
terrace door open, Woodhouse?

Exactly, because
he's a fricking lemur.

Call me when you find a lead.

I'll be somewhere in
or on top of my building

shooting tranquilizer darts
at the world's shittiest pet.

Told him when he bought it.

And I'm telling you these
reviews are mandatory

and since I outrank you...

Hang on, let me
check this imaginary list

of all the people I report to.

[HUMMING]

Okay. LANA: What
the hell is this?

This mustache on
a penis is Rodney.

And since there's only
one name on this list,

you must be Ms. Archer

cleverly disguised
as a large man.

Ha, ha. He's the new,
whatever, gun librarian.

Armory supervisor. Hooray,
what's with the cage?

Oh, some wacky new
thing the kids are doing

called "inventory control."

Ms. Archer's pissed
'cause a bunch of guns

and stuff keep going missing.

Oh, and let me know if you
need a gallon of irradiated ants.

Well, whatever. I
need range time,

so scuttle back into the
little domain over which you

have power and get me 1000
rounds of nine mil wadcutter.

Absolutely. Just fill out
these requisition forms,

in triplicate.

Wha...? For a few lousy bullets?

Well, one, uh, they
are excellent bullets.

Are you gonna stand there,
in what I assume are two-inch

lifts and tell me Archer
filled out your stupid forms

just to get a tranquilizer
gun? No, I am not.

Well? He filled
them out to get...

[HUMMING]

two H&K MP5, 2000
rounds ammunition for same,

20 mark-two
fragmentation grenade.

Wait a minute. Yeah,
that lemur is hosed.

Fourteen days survival
ration, two night vision goggle,

two each arctic camouflage
parka and pant and...

[HUMMING]

two pairs snowshoe.
Son of a bitch!

That phone call
was... ARCHER: Luke!

[LAUGHING]

Dude, I knew you faked
your death because

a mole framed you for
stealing that uranium!

TROY: That is such
a relief, I was worried

they turned you against me.

Are you kidding?
Dude, bros before

apparent threats
to national security.

Archer, you sure
you're up for this?

Because this
thing, it runs deep.

Dude, I love deep.
Said your mom.

Ha-ha-ha! Classic you!

All right, GPS says I'll
be there in four hours.

Don't worry, Luke.
I'm coming for you.

[TROY GROANS]

What was that? Phrasing.

Ha! Nice. Queer.

Wait a... Oh, my God, holy shit!

No, Vermont has
liquor stores. Right?

Yeah, they have
to, it sucks there.

LANA: Cyril, not now.

What's the signal strength
on Archer's cellphone?

CYRIL: The doohickey says
he's about 30 minutes away.

And my point was, we could
easily have done this by now.

And my point is that pursuing
a dangerous rogue agent

isn't the optimal time
to do peer reviews.

[SIGHS]

Could have done
it ten times by now.

Goddamn it, fine,
fricking review me.

Section one, team dynamics.

Question one, "Does employee
cooperate with others and..."

Oh. These are all
Strongly Disagree.

You... Pussy!

[TROY COUGHS & ARCHER LAUGHS]

Shut up, it went down
wrong. Yeah, said your...

Oh. Yeah, doesn't work there.

Mm. Okay, uh, say
"Thanks for coming."

Nope.

No, seriously, if
anybody finds out

I helped you, I'll be disavowed.

I know. Dude, I know. Thank you.

For? Nope.

God, what a dick.
Said your mom. Boom!

Damn it. So easy.

Okay. I got an El Camino
full of rampage here,

so what's the plan?

Right, yes, okay, so,

I know it doesn't
look like much now

but it has tons of potential.

As a base of operations
while we track down the mole

who framed you for
murdering colleagues

and selling uranium
on the black market?

No, asshole. As a
bed-and-breakfast.

Uh... Twin Oaks. You like that?

For the name? Twin Oaks.

LANA: Seriously?

CYRIL: Uh, yeah,
according to the doohickey,

it says Archer's
in that direction.

Are you reading it wrong?
Within two hundred meters.

I bet you're reading it wrong.
Section two, interpersonal.

"Does employee
frequently criticize oth..."

Ahem. Strongly agree.

[GUN CLICKING]

Somewhat disagree?
Somewhat shut up.

Come on, we're going
on foot through the woods.

I've got a bad
feeling about this.

I know, but imagine
it all fixed up.

No, yeah, I mean
obviously it's...

It's gonna be amazing,
dude, look at these floors.

That's Heart of Pine.
Yeah, so, uh... So look...

Look at the
mantelpiece. Mahogany.

There's another seven!

Eight fireplaces,
dude, how nuts is that?

Pretty nuts. Said
your mom! Ha, ha.

Yeah, so, uh, about un-framing
you for treason and murder.

Yeah, I don't know,
man, it kind of seems like,

"What's the point?", you know?

I don't, actually.

Come on, there's
too much evidence.

I mean it's all
fake, obviously...

Exactly. Dude, there's
a mole in your agency.

We gotta catch
him. But then what?

Then there's another
mole, or a double agent

on and on, it's all
just secrets and lies.

Yeah, it's espionage.

I can't go back to that
world, man. I'm too tired.

Hopefully that's just
neurological damage

from scraping lead paint.

No, it's...

Because turning the
Munsters' house into a B&B

is an insane response
to your situation.

It'd be cheaper to build a brand
new house out of actual money.

Yeah, I know it'll cost
a fortune to fix her up,

but money's not a problem.

Why... Wait, why is
money not a problem?

And my situation is,
anyone who could hurt me

thinks I'm already dead.

Wait, and who was
in the plane? Huh?

I said who was in the goddamn...

[ALARM BEEPING]

No, no, no, what the hell?

How could you not see that?

Because I only have two eyes

and they were busy
looking for hunters!

Why, is it pumpkin
season? Is that a thing?

TROY: Archer, were
you followed here?

Wow, really? Okay,
a little insulting.

I think I know how
to spot a tail, so...

Is your phone on?

Wha...? No. Jesus,
what kind of...

[PHONE PLAYING RINGTONE]

wallpaper are you
thinking about?

Because, uh, I think
it needs a textile.

ARCHER [OVER
PHONE]: Lana, listen.

No, you listen. We're... [AIRHORN
HONKING OVER PHONE]

Ow! ARCHER: Ha-ha-ha!

Leave it.

ANSWERING MACHINE:
The voice mailbox of...

[AIRHORN HONKING] Ugh.

ANSWERING MACHINE:
is full. Goodbye.

[SIGHS]

TROY: Why is Lana Kane...

And is that the geeky
little accountant dude?

Attempting to
breach my perimeter?

I honestly don't know,
but why are you doing that?

Because they are a
threat. No, they're not.

To our future together.
Especially not Cyril.

He's... Wait, I'm sorry,
whose future together?

Yours and mine,
dumbass. Uh, you lost me.

No, Archer, I thought
I had. You did.

But then you came
back to me. Wait, wait.

Don't take this the
wrong way but I'm, uh,

getting an extremely gay vibe.
Wha...? Jesus, dude, I'm not gay.

For other men.
Uh, lost me again.

I can't really explain.

You know me, I've
banged more hot chicks

than I've had
hot dinners, but...

[SIGHS]

there is something about you.

That makes you gay for
me? Well, I don't like that word.

Well, sorry, I didn't
invent English.

It's more like a singular
same-sex attraction.

Can I, uh... Um...

Man, my head is spinning.

I know, this is
a lot to process.

No, like, literally.

Well, figuratively.
If it was literally...

The wine. You drugged the wine?

Yeah, sorry. I thought
you might freak out

when I told you all this.

[SLURRING] It's
understandable. I mean, I'd do me.

Also when I told you I
actually did steal the uranium

and murder my fellow agents.

You dick. To fund
our life together, dude.

Which will start right after I
go murder your fellow agents.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, hang on.

You had same wine,
how did you not get drug?

Coated the inside of the glass.

[LAUGHS WEAKLY]

Classic you!

[SNORES]

PAM: Well, this is
a fricking disaster.

I know.

When Ron said we
were going on a cruise,

I almost vomited blood.

No. Nobody's doing
their peer reviews.

Pam, the word "disaster" implies

it's something that
actually matters.

It matters to me.
Well, but you don't.

[CHERYL LAUGHING]

Well, then maybe
instead of doing my job,

I'll go hang out in Vermont

with Luke Troy and
all the other assholes.

What?

Oops.

Trace Sterling's phone

and scramble every
available field agent.

I want them all
converging on his location.

They kind of already are.
There's only, like, two of them.

So why are these damn
peer reviews so hard?

Only like ten people
work in this whole

goddamn chickenshit outfit.

Sorry.

Oh, don't be. It is
a chickenshit outfit.

CYRIL: Look, for
your information,

blaze orange is the
safest color to wear

to avoid being
accidentally shot at.

[GUNSHOT] Aah!

LANA: What about
intentionally shot at?

Oh, man, this is
almost too easy.

Oh, for... Seriously?

Yeah, gotta give
them a head start.

One Sterling Archer,
two Sterling Archer.

Ooh. Sterling Archer-Troy.

We can take each
other's names. I'd be...

ARCHER: Luke.

Come on, you're
not thinking straight.

A, you wildly underestimated

my liver's ability to
metabolize toxins.

And B, why would you have these?

Because I'm not the idiot
that took his idiot clothes off.

Just your jacket,
come on, I'm freezing!

No! Ugh.

I am gonna give you
the worst peer review

in the history of them.

[BRANCH SNAPS]

Hey, Lana. Where's Archer?

Did you kill him? He's
fine. Unlike your aim.

Guess you never
learned how to shoot.

What? First of all, shit-ass.
TROY: Or take criticism.

CYRIL: Strongly
agree. And from where?

Under...

wear.

What was it we used to call you?

CYRIL: Truckasaurus?
LANA: Cyril?

No, it was... Oh,
yeah, Spray-And-Pray.

Damn it.

We also called
you Shirley Temper.

Uh, Cyril? Which,
you know, lame.

But accurate. Ha, ha.

Again, unlike your aim.

Which is why I
thought it was weird

you only ever carried
two magazines.

Section three,
Organization Skills.

Cyril!

"Employee is often unprepared
for important meetings."

Strongly agree!

You left your gun
in a pile of clothes.

Because I had nowhere to put it!

LANA: And yet you found
room for a 20-page wad

of Pam's stupid peer review!

CYRIL: It's important to her.

Okay, so don't really
know what to make of that.

Unless...

Wait, no, get it
out of your head.

Predator only hunts
in tropical jungles.

I assume. And desperately hope.

[GUNSHOT]

Damn it.

MALORY: Well, have
you found Sterling?

GILLETTE: Well, his
phone's in this house.

It's about 20 miles
north of Bennington,

so I assume it's a B&B.

Well, you would know. Pss.

And if you want to
keep those teeth, missy,

you won't suck them at me.

You know... Shut up,

have you tried calling him?

[AIRHORN HONKING ON
SPEAKERS & ALL YELL]

[ARCHER LAUGHING]

ARCHER: Leave it. Yes.

MACHINE: The mailbox
of... You could've said...

[AIRHORN HONKS & ALL YELL]

Damn it. All right.

I swear to God, you people...

Just say the word
on the nerve gas.

Feel like I owe you a freebie

after the whole
ant-Krieger thing.

I can't go anymore. Can't do it.

Section four, running.

Employee sucks ass
at it. Strongly agree.

TROY: Lana? Little geek dude?

My only regret is

I won't get to turn this
in because it is scathing.

That can't possibly
be your only regret.

There's dating you.
Actually no, that was

far and away the best thing
that ever happened to me.

So as much as I'd like to,

I don't think now's an
optimal time for that.

Aw, really?

If you think we
have time... Cyril.

Aah! Yeah, we don't have
time. Not for this, dickbrain.

For that. What, what is...? Oh.

Oh, okay. But do get
naked. Panties too.

Yeah, they're called briefs.
Yeah, you're a grown man?

Yeah, that's our Lana.

Let's see, so judging
from the shell ejection,

she was firing at

what I really hope
was not an Ent.

Because that is, like,
the last thing we need.

An Entmoot.

Oh, my God.

What if I'm gay for
Tolkien? TROY: Dude.

Seriously, not that it's
gonna matter in 30 seconds,

but what is your problem?

Well, besides Lana ditching
me. For what, an Entmoot?

Because she's got
those big-ass tree-hands?

I'd have to go with hypothermia.

Well, I know a cure for that.

Oh, my God, not in my face!

Said your mom, boom. Ha.

Sorry, that's terrible to
hear that right before you...

What in the hell is...? Well,
you know what they say.

Big hands. Big dick.

No!

[CRASH]

LANA: Ew. CYRIL: Gross.

ARCHER: Luke?

LANA: Archer? Shut up. Luke?

Archer? Oh, dude, is it bad?

There's, uh...

There's kind of a lot
of blood down there.

Said your mom.

[COUGHING]

Oh, God, I'm sorry. Seriously.

No, for everything.

The uranium, killing
my fellow agents,

that hobo I set on
fire after I paid him

to get his teeth drilled to
match my dental records.

Jesus, the dentist.
God damn, dude.

I know.

But I only did it
because I wanted us

to be together forever.
LANA: Called it.

I've loved you since
the day we met.

So mostly, I'm sorry for...

Remember that training
mission in the DR?

Uh, yeah, tap-and-trace
on the Cuban embassy.

Then we got shit-housed
on mama Juana.

Yeah, and then after, you
passed out in your room?

Uh...

Yeah. Well, after
you passed out, I...

Luke, if you really love
me... You know I do.

Then please don't
finish that sentence.

Dude. It's my
deathbed confession.

Come on, I'm dying.

Well, I'm not, so
please, don't...

After you passed out,

I snuck into your room
with a big bottle of suntan oil,

put on some Al Green and...

ARCHER: No!

Can we have the radio?

[♪♪♪]