Archer (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Papal Chase - full transcript

Father Guido Sardouchebag and Sister Golden Hair surprise everyone at ISIS with their vintage "RC" look for a top-secret covert op in Vatican City against a rebel faction of the Swiss Guard. Lana is confused, verging on angry, not to be asked to go on, if not run, the mission; she is the only agent fluent in Italian, German, French and Romansh. Ray cannot go, as the good Cardinals would see through his gay ...hillbilly accent? And, Cyril has a "thing" about church stuff. Unsure about black nuns and the whole RC thing, Lana still knows she is essential to the Rome mission. Archer never pays attention to context and he may, indeed, "avere la testa il culo," but the king of situational awareness may be the one whose head is furthest up his own ass. In an op not called "the old switcheroo," the agents go on Trope Alert (non si traduce bene) to save His Holiness the Pope, from danger. It may not translate well but Archer does know "Freebird." Will His Holiness the Pope dispense indulgences on a child of Martin Luther who has grabbed the tail of the dragon? Do there really have to be so many "GD" bombs? Will Ray save Malory from the embarrassment of an incredibly homophobic remark? The ISIS contingent in Rome prays the Counterfeit Pope does not go all trainspotty, ruining the mission.

MALORY: No. Coordinate with
Rome, then get the latest intel,

then tell Rodney they need
travel documents an hour ago.

Then bring me
the file I asked for.

Why don't I shove a broom
up my ass and sweep the floor?

What was that? Nothing.

Good. Saves you
the embarrassment

of an incredibly
homophobic remark.


Ew! Ow! Go.


What's going on?

Where? Uh, this new
place called here?


What...? Malory.


Good luck. She
just had an electro...


Electromagnetic lock
installed. Are you serious?

Malory? Because
I'm seriously asking.

Did Krieger give
you robot hands?

Not yet, but you
just say the word.



Can't have anything nice.

Krieger. Jazz hands.

Should have never
taken him to see The Wiz.

The Broadway show or the movie?


Jazz hands.


Jazz hands.

I... Whatever. Look,
obviously there's...

Nothing is going on, Lana.

If there were, I
would tell you, but...

a Cardinal Corelli on Line 1 for you.

Something about a
faction of the Swiss Guard

assassinating the
pope tomorrow night?

You need to get that?



LANA: Do you need to get that?

No. I'm sure whoever it is...

CHERYL: It's the
Vatican, Line 1. Jesus.

Ah! Shit, I hope
he didn't hear that.

Ah! Or that. Shit.

Just put him through,
you idiot. Okay. Jesus.

Ah! Shit. Uhh.

Ha, ha. Giancarlo.



Now that I see your eyes,

your lips, your...
Ha, ha. Giancarlo.


And you are the only woman

who ever made me regret
taking the holy orders.

And you are the only
man who ever made me...

RON: Come on!

I'm right here, you
know? MALORY: Why?

Getting new carpet in my office.

Which, speaking of, uh... Ron.

Malory, you have married? Uh...

You are a fortunate
man, signore.

Oh, blow it out your
cassock. MALORY: Ron!

Malory, we don't have much time.

Your agents of ISIS,
they are ready, no?

Or they are confused,
verging on angry.

Lana, it's an undercover
mission. At the Vatican?

Heh. What, they
don't have black nuns?

Although, granted,
I've never seen one.

But that's not,
like, a rule. Is it?


Well, since you're
not sending me

and I assume you're
not sending Ray...

To the Vatican?

You think all those Catholic
priests wouldn't peg him...


as American with
that hillbilly accent?

Malory, I must go
now. Please, hurry.

So not Ray and not
me, which leaves...



Et cetera, et cetera.

You can't. No one is gonna
believe Archer is a priest.

For your infor...
I'm in. Turn it off.

CHERYL: Okay, Jesus. Oh!

For your information, Lana,

I have prepared
for this mission.

Well, there's a...

First thing I did was
watch every episode

of Lucy: Daughter of the Devil,

which, by the way, was
grossly... Inadequate preparation

for an undercover mission

protecting the pope
from assassination.

I was gonna say
"underrated," but...

But even if you were prepared...
Which I truly feel that I am.

But which you're not.

Who's your backup if
Ray's not going? Cyril?

Ha, ha. No. No,
it turns out Cyril...

Aah! How about a little warning?

Has a thing about church stuff.

Since when?

Since... None of
your beeswax and...

Ooh! Aah!


And I think I need a spanking

because I have
been a very naughty...



I guess that explains that.

It doesn't explain how Archer's
gonna run this mission himself.

Well, if you were confused,
verging on angry, before...

CYRIL: Aah! What? Jesus Christ.

Ah! Shit. Ah! Goddamn it. Ah!

Pam. What?

Pam? What?

Pam! What?!

Heh. I don't know.
What are we doing?


Aw, man, we have to learn Latin?

Ew. Yeah. That's a deal breaker.

You were speaking Latin
when you walked in here.

Mm, no.

Whereas I was
just speaking Italian,

which neither of you speak nor
even understand, obviously, so...

So? Lana, the assassination plot

is being hatched
by the Swiss Guard.

So... So it's an
eight-hour flight,

so we get some tapes
and brush up on our...

Swiss? Duh.

Well, since Swiss
isn't a language,

maybe you should get some tapes

on German, French,
Italian and Romansh.

Maybe I will.

All right. Lana,
pack a bag, you're...

No. Mother, come
on, we don't need to...

Lana is going. Ha!

And, Pam, if you keep your eyes
open and your big mouth shut,

you just might learn
something from her.

Ha! Why are you going "ha"?

I don't know. What are we doing?

I'll tell you what
we should be doing.

So who does the
pope remind you of?


PAM: Ha! ARCHER: Shut up.

And you, also shut up. Yes, sir.

Ha! Why are you
still going "ha"?

Pink Panther's on.

Father Guido Sardouchebag.

ARCHER: Oh, really?

Because she didn't specify
an agent in command, Lana.

So I would argue...
LANA: With a fence post?

I wouldn't argue with a... Oof!

Move, idiot. I'm
going as fast as I can.

Not you, the... The fence post?

Ha! It was a bollard.

And my point was... Fine.

You're agent in command.
Shut up, brief Corelli

and get the access code
to the pope's apartment.

I will because I command me to.

And you should eat.

This could be a long
night and you're so teeny.


Seriously, eat.
You're like a slow loris.

Ugh. No. Uh, bit off
my feed, I'm afraid.

Woodhouse, you need to...

Oh, come on, you
need to fix? Mm.

Is there some amount
you can shoot up

to get right for the mission

without getting all trainspotty?

Back in a tick. Oh, for the...

And thanks for making me
carry your bag through customs.

WOODHOUSE: No. Thank you.


Your Italian is,
how you say, shit?

Then you are not
gonna like my Romansh.

Mio Dio, you
think this is funny?

I thought that was.

Assassins plan to
kill the Holy Father

in his own bed
on this very night.


Whoa, whoa. Take it
down a notch, St. Louis.

His head is not up his ass.

How'd you know what he
said? It was an eight-hour flight.

Wow. Did you learn Romansh?

Who am I, Cypher,
the gayest X-Man?

I don't know.

Gambit looks like he knows
his way around a pair of...

Basta! Here is the access card

to the Holy Father's
private apartment.

I assume you have
a plan once inside?

We call it the old switcheroo.

We absolutely do not
call it the old switcheroo.


ARCHER: I know,
right? Trope alert.


Feeling better? Sound
as a pound, my dear.

Where the hell are we?

Uh, this new place called Italy?

How'd I get all the
way downtown?

Wha...? Not Little
Italy, "Italy" Italy.

Bloody hell. What
are we doing here?

Thwarting an assassination
attempt on the pope,

using you as a decoy.

Back in a tick.

With Ken and your
weekend weather.

And you may need an umbrella

because it's gonna be
raining dead-ass popes.

PAM: Aw, crap,
he's already dead.

No, he's not. He's just old.

That's how Woodhouse
looks when he's asleep.

I'm gonna get a mirror.

Heh. Until he wakes up
and sees me staring at him

with night vision goggles
and literally pisses himself.

Hey, does Woodhouse
seem unhappy to you or...?

What the hell are you doing?

PAM: Gonna see if
his breath fogs it up.

Put the stupid mirror
back. He's not...

PAM: Ah!

Dead. Nice job, Oliver
Cromwell. I killed the pope.

Yeah. That's why I
said Oliver Crom...

Jesus Christ, I'm going
to hell! I'm going to hell.

I'm go...

Pam? Yes?

Get off the pope. Unh.


Hey, Your Holiness.

Is he dead? I don't
know. Shut up, I'm...

Should I get another mirror?

But, like, a much,
much smaller one?

LANA: No. You're
half heroin already.

Okay, here's Junkie
Brewster. Let's...

Where's the pope?

Here's the thing...
Promise you won't get mad?

I actually do not
promise I won't get mad.

Because here's what thing? Um...

What? Why is there a
giant mirror on the...?

Oh, my God, you
crushed the pope?

Don't just stand there, idiots,

help me get it off
and... Pam! Woodhouse.

Huh? Oh.


What the...? Is that
a needle? Ha, ha!


Oh, thank God.


We're... Your Holiness,
do you speak English?

Yes, of course. But...

Ha! Way to waste your
time learning Italian, Pam.


And could you...? Sorry.

Dio mio, he look just like me.

Yes, Your Holiness,
he's a decoy.

We believe a faction
of the Swiss Guard

will make an attempt
on your life tonight, so...

So if you don't mind hopping
out of those pope-jamas...

Archer. We'll hide you,
put him in your place,

wait for them to
come in, and then...

Then what? You are only two.

Well, three, so...

Better make that two.

Think I might have grabbed
the tail of the dragon here.

Ooh. Then you're in for a treat.

Shut up. And with
all due respect,

Your Holiness, it's
the Swiss Guard.

I think we can handle
a few court jesters with,

whatever, halberds.

Which you realize
are just ceremonial.

Obviously they're
ceremonial, Lana.

They were made
obsolete by the arquebus.

Which is why,
now, they use MP5s.


Which is why,
where's the gear bag

with all of our
automatic weapons?

Well, I assume in
the hotel room, but...


I thought they
just had halberds.

Do you at least have a sidearm?

It was ruining the
lines of my cassock.

Damn it. Again, I
honestly thought

they just had [DOOR RATTLING]

Shit stacks. Halberds.

Although, technically, I
think they're called voulges.


PAM: I got him.
Just toss him down.

I'm not tossing
the fricking pope.

Somehow, this is
all your fault. Che?

Oh, for the... This is the pope.

Oh. Then... WOODHOUSE: Aah!

Ow! Oh, for shit
sake already. Ha, ha!

Archer, shut up
and find us some...


LANA: transport.
Are you shitting me?

Well, it was this or the Vespas.

It's not my fault
Italy's so gay.

Which, by the way,
pope, on the gay thing...

La sacra Bibbia
says it is a mortal sin.

But get me out of here alive

and I will pardon
you for it, my son.

What? No, I... Ha!

CHERYL: So why are
you scared of church stuff?

Did the unspeakable happen

to your slender, hairless,
adolescent body?

What? No.

Aww. Ew!

Right? First of all, I'm not...

I'm not scared of
priests or nuns or...

Bishops? No, I...

Bishop the android from Aliens?

No. I told Miss Archer that

because I didn't wanna
go on another mission

with the world's
worst colleague.

Bishop the android from Aliens.

Archer. You think
he's a dick here?

On a mission, he's
10 times worse.

That's impossible.

ARCHER: Oh, really?
PAM: Yes, really.

A, I was a race
car driver, and B...

Archer. Holiness, a little help?

The pope could
drive better than you.

No, no.


Why are you taking her
side? She's Lutheran.

Eh. Luther had some
valid complaints.

Archer! Drive the
fricking car. Ow!

Okay, Lana! What
is your problem?

Well, there's you and also that.

ARCHER: Why aren't
they on horseback?

Because why would they be?

Oh, right, right.
Halberdsmen are foot soldiers.


The bigger question is, if they
really are the Swiss Guards.

Why are they wearing
Swiss Guard uniforms,

driving a Swiss Guard car?


Holy shi... It's a
false-flag operation.

To make it look like
the Swiss Guard.

Who told you I was
to be assassinated?

Cardinal Corelli. He...

LANA: He wouldn't,
by any chance,

be next in line for
the papacy, would he?

Well, there would
be an election.

Right. With the smudge pot.

But Corelli would
be sure to win.

Pretty good motive.

Yeah. You must make a shitload.


Go. What are you doing?

I'm letting them catch
up. LANA & PAM: Why?

Can I finish? He asked,

Take the wheel
and maintain speed.

Woodhouse, lighter. I'm
only 90 pounds wet, sir.

What? No, you idiot,
your spoon cooker.

WOODHOUSE: Oh, right.

Like pulling teeth
with you people.

Lana, head toward
Swiss Guard HQ.

What? While you
request "Free Bird"?


Actually, that was pretty
good, for you, at least.

But no, while I do...

Shit, I had a pun about flares.

Fake dynamite? That's your plan?

So, hey, can I squeeze
in a confession?


Fine. I'll buy a damn
indulgence. Oh, wait.

Wait until they're right beside
us, then swerve into them.

What, so you're
crushed between the...?


LANA: Should have
seen that coming.

Hey, I can see St.
Peter's from here.

LANA: Archer, look out.

Goddamn it, quit
telling me what to do.

I'm the goddamn
agent in command.

Figo. He really
drops the GD bombs.

Plus, he's a whoremonger.

LANA: Cough. PAM: Oh, please.

Who hasn't paid for it?

Still talking about indulgences.

ARCHER: Lana, now!

He said,
last-wordsingly. Hang on.



What the...? Pam,
what did he say?

What do you think
he said, dick nuts?

Pay attention to
the fricking context.

Well, sorry, I don't have
your language nerd skills.

Hang on, Pambit.

PAM: Wrong X-Man,
dumb-ass. Still, though.


Oh! LANA: Oh, shit!

Pam! Get down!

Aah! Lana!

Mm. I'm fine.

Yeah. Me too, asshole.

ARCHER: Yeah, good.

Is the pope hit?

Uh, no. He's...
They're both good.


Really wish I hadn't focused
so heavily on the Romansh.


RECORDING]: Lesson one.


Context. They're reloading.

Oh. That's what you
mean by context?


LANA: What else could
she possibly mean?

Who am I, William Safire?

Oh, and speaking
of, in the hole!

LANA: What? ARCHER: Unh!

Safire in the
hole, Lana. It's a...


Lana, look out!



Ah. So the good news is,

my men have
apprehended Cardinal Corelli

who immediately
confessed to the plot.

Hey, hey, that is good news.

You know how the whole "the
good news is" thing works, right?

The bad news is... Oh, right.

The men you killed were camorra.

What are they, like,
the Mafia? Ha, ha.

The camorra is like
your Mafia, like...

SEAL Team 6 is
like the Girl Scouts.


So equally sexy? LANA: Ew!


But the real good
news... Ow! Dick.

Is that we saved
the pope's life.

For which we are grateful.

However, we cannot
tell these two apart. So...

So I actually have
an idea about that.

Is it, take them both home,
see which one's a better butler

and give the other
one back to the church?

Uh, never mind.

Then why don't we leave them
both here until they come to?

I'm sure Woodhouse
never gets a vacation.

Are you kidding?

I didn't even let him go
to his brother's funeral.

What? Oh, my...

You asshole. Was he crushed?

Probably would have been
if I had told him about it.

Ugh. But wait, why
did Corelli hire ISIS

to prevent the assassination?

To show the cardinals
he was trying to prevent it,

all the while assuming...
What? That we'd totally blow...?

My God, he assumed
we'd totally blow it.

Well, ISIS has a
certain reputation.

Hey. Whoa, not
cool, Payne Stewart.

Ugh. My God, if Malory
ever hears about this...

Which she won't.
Because, Pam... What?

Promise you'll
never tell Mother.

Okay, I promise.

Swear to God.

MALORY: What?!


PAM: Ha!