Archer (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Bloody Ferlin - full transcript

Ray heads to West Virginia with Archer and Cheryl after he gets a call from his pot-farming brother, who desperately needs assistance against a crooked Sheriff who is abusing his power and putting the family crop in danger. Meanwhile, Archer hits on Ray's brother's unusually attractive wife.

Wait, here's an idea:

You talk louder, maybe
they'll come to us.

We'd lose the element
of surprise, Lana.

That was sarcasm.

No way, really? Because
so was that, just now.

I pretty much insist

that you shut up.

LANA: Shit, they're
in the armory.

Good, we got them.

This is the only way
out. Of the armory.

I heard you. And I
can also read, so...

So, what's in the armory?

Burglars, Lana,
that's why I'm here

and not up to my
ears in stewardess.

What else is in the armory?

Well, a bunch of automatic
weapons, rocket launchers

uh, about a jillion
grenades... Oh.

They may have fire superiority.

You think?

For all we know they're
building a Gundam suit

with bazookas for hands.

Really wish we had some backup.

Who, Cyril?

Or, oh, maybe Ray
could run over them

with his wheelchair.

That was also sarcasm,

since apparently now we're
saying whenever we do it.

Are you ready? No.

Sarcasm again. Yes, I'm ready.


What the hell are
you doing? Nothing!

Archer! What...

the hell are you doing?

Nothing. What're y'all doing?

The alarm company called us

because the motion
sensors were going off.


Yeah, we got new
keycodes Monday,

but you were... Where was it?

Physical therapy.

For your limp, useless legs.

Well, it's obviously
working, you're on a...

Wait a minute!

How are you walking
around on ladders?

Because he's not paralyzed!

And is that not the
stuff of miracles?

You lying little...

I never said I was paralyzed!

Y'all just assumed I was!

Because you left the
hospital in a wheelchair!

They make you!

Then I couldn't get a cab,

so I got back in
the chair and...

Spent the last six months
pretending to be handicapped.


Before I kick this
ladder over in the hopes

of paralyzing you for real,

why are you in here
stealing guns and grenades

in what better not be
my night-vision goggles?

I kind of have some
family problems.

So your brother,
the drug dealer...

He's not a drug dealer!
He's a drug farmer.

Whatever, is gonna be murdered

by your hometown's
crooked sheriff?

E.Z. Ponder, yeah,

and he used to bully me
so bad in high school...

No! Ray, that was sarcasm.

Anyway, he wants Randy's
dope farm for himself

or he'll kill him, so I gotta go

and stop him.

Count me in. What? Why?

Well, for one thing,
it's eerily similar

to the plot of White Lightning,

and this is Ray's brother.

What's more
important than family?

Mm, getting hammered
on moonshine

and trying to bang
skanky trailer chicks?

Um, trying?

Oh, that reminds me.

Um, they all think I'm married

to, like, a woman, so...

Oh, all right, I'll
be your beard.

What are you, insane?

"Hey y'all, here's my
great big old black wife!"


Lana, come on. You're gigantic.


what's all this nonsense

about a break-in last night?

I swear to God,

if Krieger was
doing more of his...

What's his new, awful thing?

Ultimate Bum Shockfights,

and no, it looks like it
was an actual break-in.

What? Jeezy Petes!

Did they get into the mainframe?

I don't know, but...

We need Sterling. Where is he?

He's tracking down,

um, leads. From the clues.

That there were some of.

What kind of clues?

The kind I'm gonna show you

if you're not too busy
shutting up to come on.

And put Sterling through
the minute he calls in!

guess will be never.

So are there just
no towers here?

Or have we literally
gone back in time?


CHERYL: Ow! You dumb idiot!

BOTH: Great.

Why am I in a,
whatever, dune buggy?

Remember? We
picked you up last night,

said we were going on a trip?

No, and to where?

Six Flags Over the
Shittier Parts of Chernobyl?

Ferlin, West Virginia.

Yeah, and you and
Ray are married.


Oh, my God, oh, my
God! We're not actually...

Actually, it'll be
better if she thinks...

We're married!

Super. Ray, look out!


Two questions:
Is that the sheriff

and have you
recently gone insane?

Yes and no. Respectively?

Now, I know that
ain't who I think it is.

No shit! Ray Gillet!

ARCHER: Gillet?

How in the hell are you?

Pretty good, E.Z. How you doing?

Oh, can't complain. Ain't
nobody'd listen if I did.


I hear that.

You hear what?

Not that?

What brings you
back up the holler?

Oh, you know, just
wanted to show off

my pretty new bride
to the home folks.


Mm, she is that.


For a minute
there I was thinking

maybe you come back

to help your brother out
with his business concerns.

No, just back for a visit.

Well, make sure
it's a short one.

Because believe
me when I tell you,

ain't nothing you
can do to help him.

Y'all drive safe now, hear?

Man. Is it me or is
he super menacing?

Or super hot?

Hey! Remember? We're married?

Not until it's consummated.

I'll drive if you
wanna hop back there

and, um, enter her.

So not only is
Ray not paralyzed,

but his brother
is a drug dealer...


He and Archer are in
West Virginia doing...

What the heck are they doing?

Fighting a war on
the war on drugs?

Goddamn it. What?

You should've
looked under the stalls.

I did! Wait, I did.

I usually put my feet
up on the grab bars.

Ugh. Anyway, this is all
obviously unauthorized,

but I promised Ray
we'd cover for him, so...

Oh, no! I'm not
getting mixed up in this,

and if Ms. Archer asks me...

Why is it that every time I
need to use the restroom,

you people are in here
skulking around looking guilty?


I'll tell you why
they look guilty.


Because they, or we, I guess,
don't know how to tell you

that the break-in was a
lot worse than we thought.

How much worse?

Uh, well, it's
really hard to say.

But rest assured we are on
it, and Archer is on it, and...

We're on it.

Well, I want an
update in one hour!


And why does it
always reek of paint?

GILLETTE: Well, there
she is. The old homestead.

Jesus, what's my dowry? Tetanus?

Hey, you know what?

[GUNSHOT] Jesus!

MAN: That's far enough,

you sons of bitches!

Randy, it's me!
Ray! Your brother!

Don't you move.
Don't move a inch.

What do you mean "don't
move"? I came to help you, asshole!

Well, you ain't
gonna be much help

with your legs blown off.

There's mines all in the yard.

Ray, to be honest,

I'm kind of having
second thoughts

about this whole thing.

Uh, get in line.

Randy Gillet, where
are your manners?

Get these folks a map
of that damn minefield

so they can come inside.

I got some nice
hot pie for them.

Okay, now I'm
having third thoughts.

Oh, please don't.

It would be rude
not to eat her pie.

Which I assume is not
only hot but also moist.

Although hopefully not flaky.

And so E.Z. gave me a choice:

Give him my whole
dang operation,

get out of the holler by sundown

or else him and
his boys'll just take it

and grind me up into fertilizer.


But listen to me, just yapping.

Tell me about this
pretty new wife of yours.

Because I'm kind of
surprised to see you married.


Homeboy knows
what I'm talking about.

He does?

A New York City
interior decorator?

That's what you went with?

Bet you're up to your
eyeballs in poontang!

Oh, yeah, just so many vaginas.

Oh, no offense, darling.

Hm. None taken.

Want some more of
my pie, Mr. Archer?

No! Yes!

Thank you, Janelle,

I would love more of
your moist and hot pie.

Well, then open wide.


Folks, we can't sit around
eating her pie all day.

We got a situation here.

LANA: Krieger's running the logs

to see if any files were
accessed last night.

Who the hell could
have done this?

Who knows? ODIN,
the KGB. Actually...

But this will take hours,

so we'll just bring you
a report when it's done.

Actually... Krieger.
More type, less gripe.

And has anyone
heard from Sterling?

No... Yes! He's out on the case.

Well I want some
answers, and soon.

And since there's
nothing in these logs,

I, too, would like some answers.

So here's the thing...

If I can just get what
I got to my distributor,

I can retire.

Maybe move up to
New York City with you.

I... What, where, do what?

I'm kidding.

Last thing you want's your
redneck brother hanging around.

No, it's not that, it's...

Plus I'd rather kill myself.

Nothing up there but a
bunch of you-know-whats.

Yeah, there are a lot of them.

Don't see how you stand it.


Dude. Awesome.

GILLETTE: Sweet, gracious God.

RANDY: This here's
what E.Z. wants.

did you afford all this?

RANDY: Farm subsidy.

He told the government
he's growing corn

for "high-flooktose" syrup.

But damned if I'm
gonna contribute

to the obesity epidemic.

Hey, a man's gotta have a code.


I put my heart
and soul into this,

but now it's either roll over
for that sheriff like a dog

or fight.

Like a different, better dog.

So is it just E.Z.
coming, or...?


The whole sheriff's
department. I'd say 20 men,

AR-15s, maybe
grenades. Oh, dogs! Duh.

Ray, I'm having fourth thoughts.

Well, I got a few
tricks up my sleeve.

Janelle, why don't
you take Mr. Archer

and show him the
defensive perimeter?

I'd be delighted.

Whoa, no, wait a second...

Fifth thoughts! Archer!

Don't worry, she won't bite.

But speaking of,
it's about suppertime.

You still partial
to fried chicken?


I'll cook it!

If someone shaves
it or whatever.


What...? What in
the...? Janelle? Janelle!

Randy, wait! Dukes!

So is there, like, special
chicken shaving cream, or...?

First of all, that is a rooster!

Yeah, like Kenny
Rogers' Roosters.

Roasters! Randy, wait!


And just what the hell is this?

Um, well, I'll tell
you what it's not,

which is what it looks like.

I got caught on the fence,

and then Mr. Archer
tried to get me loose...

You better get your
ass in that house.

Do you wanna have
sex with my wife?

No, I swear,

this was just an
extremely unlikely mishap

with the barbed wire.

Because we would
be amenable to that.

Well? Why you
look so nonplussed?

Because I wasn't
sure if you knew

what amenable actually meant.

Until you followed it
up with nonplussed.

See, me and Janelle got us
one of them open marriages,

like in France.

Oh, right, in Europe.

And I would really like that
open marriage to include

Ray's new wife. What?

Now, look, that's in the Bible.


Genesis 38, verse eight. Really?

Even though Ray
used to be a preacher,

he was never big on
the Old Testament.

I could see that.

So I doubt he'd
wanna reciprocate.

So I just need you
to keep him busy

while I have sex
with his wife...

And then I get
to have sex with...

My wife, you son of a bitch!

Yeah, I think I got...

So where the hell's
your damn pants?

They're on the fence!

Goddamn it, Archer!

Hang on... Archer, shut up!

Ray, he was... And
then poor Janelle...

Oh, I gotta go make
sure she's okay!

And you better
have a talk with him!

I will, Randy, I'm sorry.

A good, long talk.

Like, talk for about
40, 45 minutes.

ARCHER: Okay, so...


I have never, in my entire life,

been as disgusted
as I am at this moment.

Well, give it a minute.

What do you mean,
a cyber-attack?

Apparently the intruders
downloaded a virus

into the mainframe.

So this all needs to come out.

The mainframe is Krieger's baby.

How'd you get him to go in?

I told him I'd get Pam to fight

in his Ultimate Bum Shockfights.

Is it called that

because paying homeless men

to fight is shocking? Nope.

Well, hello there, game-changer.

He what? Yeah.

Apparently it's in the Bible?

No, it isn't!

It did sound too
cool for the Bible.

But why do you
care? A, you're gay,

and B, you and Carol
aren't really married.

But Randy thinks we are!

Yeah, but...

That's actually a
really good point.

I am gonna beat him
like a rented mule!

Now that sounds like
something from the Bible.

She in there? Yeah.
Where's mine at?

Up in the woods with Ray.

You gotta wait till later,
maybe after supper.

Remember: No kissing.

I wasn't...

That is the weirdest rule.

CHERYL: I know,
right? Some honeymoon.

Oh, hey, do I do the face?

And where the hell is
Sterling when I need him?

reached Sterling Archer's voicemail.

Please leave a message.

Wha...? Finally, a
non-idiotic greeting.

Sterling, I want an update,

so call me the instant
you get this mess...


The voice mailbox of...

ARCHER: Sterling Archer.

WOMAN: is full. Goodbye.

ARCHER: Idiot.


Come here, you
skinny-legged son of a bitch!

Oh! Sorry.

That's okay, they're
not my best feature.

No, I was... Not important.

What is important is that
Randy gave me a Bible lesson.

Yeah? And what
did the Bible say?

Well, Janelle, obviously
the actual scripture

is open to interpretation,

but what I took away from it

is that we should go in the barn

and screw our brains out
on a huge pile of marijuana.

It didn't say nothing
about a rubber, did it?

It did not.

Ray's still up in
the woods, right?

Uh... Oh.

Uh, no, he actually said
he wanted to talk to...

RANDY: Whoa, whoa, whoa,

now hang on a second!

white trash piece of...



Yes. Randy. Which I probably
should've mentioned earlier.


Don't judge me.


You lucky I didn't kill you.

You're lucky I didn't kill you!

While you were in
bed with my wife!

Our marriage was
never consummated!

And I think we all know why.

Stop! Carol!

There's plenty of
blame to go around here.

I don't think I
deserve any, but...

You were gonna screw her!

Yeah, so? Is
that still on, or...?


Carol? Wha...?

Somebody, come on,
promises were made.

Just like you promised
Mama and Daddy

you'd always take care of me.

And here we go.

They weren't even
cold in the ground

before you were
gallivanting around Europe!

It was the Olympics!

Which you lost!

Bronze medal is not losing!

Then off to New York City.

You can just say New York.

To be a hoity-toity
interior decorator.

You can just say decorator.

Whatever, I don't
know why I thought

he could help save my farm.

Because your job?
That's a job for sissies.

Oh, yeah? Well, guess what!

Ray is not an
interior decorator.

I... No, you know
what? Yes, shut up.

Randy, your seemingly
effeminate brother

is actually a highly
trained secret agent.

Pssh. Yeah,

and I'm something equally
hard to believe is true.

It is true, that's
why I married him.

Well, and the bronze
medal. Prove it.

What do you want,
a business card?

Where do you think he got a
bag full of assault weapons?

Well, y'all do live
in New York City.

Just New York.

Ray? Is he telling the truth?

Mostly. So because you're a spy

is that why you never
come back to visit?

Mm, also mostly.

Aw. And here all this time

I thought it was because
you were ashamed of us.

Oh, come on, why
would you think that?

Well, I found a bunch
of your old diaries.

Obviously not the one
with Miss Piggy on it.

No, Daddy said
he burned that one.

Oh, great.

And I am sorry I
screwed your wife.

And I'm sorry if I
ever made you feel

like I was ashamed of you.

The important thing is
you came back to help me.

Come on, that's
what family's all ab...


Shit! Oh, damn it!

PONDER: Randy Gillet!

This is Sheriff E.Z. Ponder!

You come out of there
with your hands up!

Oh. That son of
a bitch is early.

I don't know, "sundown" sounds
more colloquial than an actual...

If you wanna back out on me,

now's probably
the time to do that.

Randy, you may be
a racist, homophobic,

drug dealer. Farmer.

But nobody murders my brother.

The Gillet boys, side by side.

Janelle, cover that
window yonder.

Archer, got a
little fight in you?


Whoo! Ugh.

Yeah, I'm pretty furious about
not getting to bang Janelle.

Plus I want to unleash
the power of moonshine.

Then grab a gun and
cover that window!

What should I do?

I got red-hot pokers
laying in that fire.

If anybody gets hit,

you grab one
and slap iron to it.


And remember, it's us or them.

So this is how it's
gonna be, huh?

Randy, I didn't
want it like this!

Now, come on, I tried
to reason with you!

RANDY: Reason with this!


PONDER: All right, then!

Light them up!



Janelle! Are you hit?

No! A piece of glas...



Well, don't just
sit there! Shoot!

Ugh. I can't. Ugh. I feel sick.

What's happening?
Do I have cancer again?

You drank too much!

That's a thing?

Looks like it's just
you and me, brother.

Randy, you don't
have to do this.

They'll go easy on you.

Hell, the judge is
my wife's cousin.

I bet he'll give you probation.

Oh, please! You're
gonna murder him

so you can take
over his dope farm!

What? Cease
fire! Hold your fire!

Why in the world would you think

that I, a peace officer
sworn to uphold the law,

would wanna murder your
brother and get his marijuana farm?

I... Because that's
what Randy said!

Randy's a drug dealer.

Farmer! And I tried
to get him to quit.

I come to him as a friend,

I come to him as an
elder of the church,

but he wouldn't give it up.

And so now I gotta
come to him as the law.

And you accuse me
of planning a murder?

Well, you did used
to pick on me a bunch.

Well, I'm sorry.

I was a dick in high school.

But you gotta admit,

you were extremely pick-on-able.

There's nothing
wrong with Capezios!


Randy? Is he telling the truth?

Mostly. Randy!

You almost got me
and my friends killed!

Because you could never
be bothered to get a real job!

Well, I only got to ninth grade!

How else was I supposed to
earn a living? Digging 'seng?

GILLETTE: There is a
perfectly good coal mine

not a half-mile from here.

And maybe you wouldn't get rich,

but at least it's
an honest living.

Yeah, but it's hard.

[SIGHS] So is this.


Shut up. And Mama
never liked you.

E.Z., don't shoot!
Ahem, I'm coming out!



[SIGHS] Here's the files

you had me pull.

Ow! What the hell
is on your hands?

My bum-zappers.

For the shockfights?

That I'm doing for Krieger,

which is why he
broke the server,

to help Lana cover up

that Ray and Archer are
killing cops for a dealer

and Ray's been faking
that he's paralyzed?


Or are we not telling you that?


Thank God you guys got here

before they started
killing hostages.

Which would have
been us. As the hostages.

You lying-ass bitch!

She's mad because
I slept with Randy.

To get food for
my fellow hostages.

So, uh, you really
think you can fix it

so I just get
probation? Oh, God, no.

I just said that.

All these drugs and weapons,

attempted murder
of police officers.

You'll probably die in prison.


Will you come visit me?

[SIGHS] Probably not.

Because you're a spy and all?


He's a highly
trained secret agent.

Is that right?
Well, listen here.

If you ever find your
way back up in the holler,

give me a call. Uh...

I think I got myself an
extra pair of Capezios

lying around somewheres.

Uh, okay.

Should I, just... Just 911?

All right, let's move them out!

Well, that's just great.

Everybody gets laid
in the holler but me.


Well, and you, I guess.

Since they ate your husband.

Dan Lather.



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