Archer (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Limited - full transcript

The Isis crew is ordered to transport a dangerous terrorist across the border to Canada. A drunken Archer wants to fulfill his lifelong dream of fighting a bunch of random guys on the top of a speeding train. Meanwhile, the rest of the Isis crew boards against Malory's orders on Cheryl's private cars.

Lemme go!

You have no jurisdiction over me!

I'm a Canadian citizen!

Yeah, and we're taking you to Canada, so--


Extraordinary rendition!

Extraordinary rendition!

Light him up, newbie.

Sorry in advance.


That hurts like, insanely bad.

That's why I said sorry in advance.
And you have to have to

stop yelling "extraordinary rendition."

A, nobody cares.

And --
Be careful!

You big lummox!

- I swear to God, if you scuff my bags...
- Oh,

I wouldn't dream of it, ma'am.

And I can do
without the sarcasm.

Oh, no ma'am, that wasn't --

With the backchat!

Ugh, Lana, maybe you can talk to him.


So this is the
infamous Kenny Bilcoe?

- You don't look like much of a terrorist...
- That's because I'm a

freedom fighter!

For a free and sovereign Nova Scotia!

Is that why you
blew up a donut shop?


If you believe Canada's illegitimate,
so-called "government!"

- I'm pretty sure we do...
- Which is why we're taking

you back to Ottawa.

And once we do, hopefully the Mounties
will start sending us all kinds of

lucrative work.

How noble.

Speaking of work, can I
put what I just assume is

your rock collection
on the stupid train?

Yes, the -- nooope!

Nice try, Pam.


You want to get on that
train so you can stowaway!

Just like on the blimp!

The what?

Okay, no biggie.

Have a nice trip.

I -- wait a minute.

What now?

Too easy.

Pam's up to something.


- Well, I doubt she'll make it on now...
- Ditto for Archer.


He's not here?

Mmmmmm... nope.

Need to get
these bags on, ma'am.

I heard him!


- Malory, don't call him that...
- My name actually is George.


Dammit, I told
Sterling six o'clock!

I thought you meant six a.m.!

No, six --
Sterling are you drunk?



- Archer...
- You knew we were transporting a dangerous

terrorist to Canada!

So how and why are you
drunk at six o'clock?

Well the how's pretty self-explanatory,
and the why is because, hic,

I thought we were leaving at six a.m.


Ergo, Latin, plenty of
time to sleep it off.

Well drink some coffee,
because there's a good chance

Bilcoe's terrorist pals --
Alleged terrorist pals!

-- are going to attack
the train at some point,

and try to bust him loose.



I'm sorry, how
is that "awesome?"

Because, hic, pretty
much my whole life I've

wanted to fight some guys on
the roof of a speeding train.

Well if I know my boys, you
may just get your wish, big guy.

Thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing.

Who is this?

Please tell me he's a
renowned chicken-and-waffle chef.

Because I am starving.

- So listen, you look like a pretty smart guy...
- Well thanks,

- I like to think so...
- So why dontcha do yourself a pretty-smart-guy

favor and just let me go?

- Uh, because Ms.
- Archer would kill me?

Well what do ya think's gonna
happen when my boys storm this train?

Oh, I'm not too
worried about that.

Ya should be.

My boys are bad ass.

Well, so am -- Lana.

And I'm learning.

Oh, and don't forget about Archer.

The drunk guy?

He may have seemed drunk, but he's--
Still drinking?

Relax, Lana it's
just a bloody mary.

And by the way, not a great one.

Mr. Vodka and Ketchup.

Archer, at any time in the next
twelve hours this train could be

attacked by radical Nova
Scotian separatists.

Armed with what?

Pamphlets about Canada's
responsible gun control laws?

The New
Scotland Front has guns,

and they're not afraid to use them, so --
So okay!

God, I'll switch to coffee.

Hey Heinz 56,
can I get an Irish coffee.


Lana, I have to taper off.

Trust me, if these Noma Scojens are a
real threat, you do not want me hungover.

Do you even still get hangovers?

Normally no, but I
drank about two gallons of

mamajuana this afternoon.

I was playing dominoes with a, Dominican
bike gang, or was it Mahjong.

I don't remember.


This thing's a sardine can.

How are people supposed
to travel like this?

Most people bring less luggage.

Most people fly.

So your days of sullen
superiority are numbered.

I have no response to that.

They never do.

Now let's go find a bigger compartment.

I'm afraid there aren't any.

Nonsense, I'm sure
there's one here somewhere.

Why are these all locked?

They're occupied.

So if you don't mind --
What I mind is your familiar tone, young man.

What's through here?

Those are private cars, ma'am.

What do you mean, "private?"

I mean they're not --
Not for you to be knocking on!

Now I have to insist that you --
Get yer panties untwisted!

- Damn...

I knew it!

I want this train stopped immediately
and this stowaway forcibly disembarked!

Afraid I can't do that, ma'am.

You can and you will,
or I'll have your job!

No, she won't, George!


What are you doing here?

Uh, trying
to perform my ablutions?

But --
This is Miss Tunt's private car.

How do you have
a private train car?

Uh, cause she owns the railroad?

Well, half.

And I knew you wouldn't let us go on
this stupid trip to Canada, so I had my

cars hooked up.



This car, two sleeping
cars, a private dining car,

and one that's just a
teeny tiny skating rink.

Er, two sleeping cars?

Do you think there might be room for --

It's already cramped back there,
what with that piss-reeking ocelot.

Plus George
says you stiffed him.


No I didn't, I gave him a tip!

A stick of gum?



Did you not have a button?

You button it, missy!

Oh we don't know the
meaning of private, lets all pile in.

Lana check it out!

Actual gas lamps!

Amazing, Archer, yes, so
you think we can go guard the

prisoner now, or -- RROWR!

Is that Babou?

Or not.


Okay --





And Pam.



He remembers me!

Cyril, why are you in here?

I didn't know
where you guys were.

It doesn't matter where
we are, Newb Gingrich --

Then get out!

where's the prisoner?

In my compartment.

- At least, he was...
- Although he doesn't seem to be in here now.

No kidding.

Mmmmmm... nope.



- Oh my God...
- Too late, he's gone.

Thanks to Cyril.

Well he's not gonna jump off a
train going eighty miles an hour, so --

So, yeah.

We'll sweep car by car,
moving from front to back.

Good, you guys do that, I'll
get a big raw steak from the kitchen.

Are you
talking about the ocelot?

Are you not?

I'm talking about the prisoner!

- Oh.
- Well, maybe they're together.

Although I doubt it,
Babou's kind of a loner.

Like Paul Newman in Hud.

If Paul Newman had constantly sprayed
piss all over, um... oh what was her...

Patricia Neal!

Who I hate.

Sorry for the intrusion, folks.

Nothing to worry about, just some
standard, um...train security.

Okay, that's all
the regular cars.

Now we get to search all the sleeper
cars, thanks to your incompetence.

Well you left me unsupervised.

So this is my fault?

Mmm, fifty-fifty?

Fifty-fifty you accidentally
shoot somebody, Newb.

Now come on, it'll take us all
night to search this damn train.

- Well, but with Archer helping...
- I wouldn't exactly call it helping.

Here kitty kitty kitty.


Excuse me, is
there an ocelot in there?

No no no, what're you doing?

Besides making a ms all over my train?

Looking for a terrorist and an ocelot--

-- not necessarily
in that order.

Okay that's it, we're stopping.

- Frank, this is George, we gotta...
- Give me that!

He's gotta keep the train at top
speed so they can't get off.

So tell him to keep it floored.

I will do no such thing.

Okay then here, hold this?

Why are you
giving me a -- oh my!

Sorry, but I'm not
letting a terrorist escape.

And obviously an ocelot wouldn't
survive in the frozen wasteland

of upstate New York.


Sorry Frank, uh, Miss
Tunt says she wants to beat

the record run to Ottawa.

Those crazy Tunts.

Okay, hang on...


- Boys, hang on a sec...
- Okay boys, make sure you bring the heavy

stuff, cause these crazy ISIS
bastards aren't playing...

They just killed a black guy.

I know, right?

Welcome to America.

How is that racist?

Never mind, look --
I treat all servants exactly the same,

regardless of their race.

Hang on, I hear freedom ringing.

At worst I'm elitist.

But not racist.


Cyril and I searched the front half of
the train, but we didn't see any sign of

Bilcoe, okay so --
I bet it's hard to see

- anything from that high horse...
- So.

- Unless Archer found Bilcoe in the back
half of the train... - Which, no,

he didn't.

Jeezy Petes!


Is that blood?



Yeah, but it's from a cow.

You shot a cow?

And Bilcoe's not in the back
half, so you guys must've missed him.

Which, no, we didn't.

Which, yes, obviously you did --
Or you did.

Or you did.

Because there's no way he got
off, we're moving too fast.

Oh my God we totally are!

We might beat the record run!

You guys probably don't understand
because don't own a railroad?

But it's actually a pretty huge deal.

To whom?

Railroad owners?

We're a
pretty competitive bunch.

No, Pam!

No means no, now stop it!

Whatsa matter?

Ya chicken?

I'm in a wheelchair!


Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!


Goddammit Pam I don't wanna race!

Couple skate?

I can't believe you
have a skating rink train car.

Yeah, apparently my
great-grampa was nuts for skating.

That and the Klan.

I -- okay, so
let's try this again.

Car by car, this time back to front.

Good, because Miss Stingy here
won't let me eat in her private dining car--

Oh my God
we've been over thaaaat...

-- so when you pass the dining
car, have a porter bring me a Cobb


Before or after we locate
the dangerous terrorist?


Sorry folks,
uh, go back to sleep.

just disregard the gun-toting

spies and the blood smeared everywhere.

Oh yeah, keep an
eye out for pawprints.

Where, in the blood?

Yeah, I assume at some point
he'll come out to like... lick it.

Come on,
we've only searched two cars,

so we've got a shitload to go.

Uh, speaking of, I need to
make use of the facilities here...

Fine, but catch up, okay.

And pay attention.

Yeah, they look just
like prints from a housecat,

only bigger and awesomer.


Hey, welcome to the bathroom.

Well, thank you.

No, no, wait, what're you -


I can tell you never
played much hockey, huh?

Probably too busy runnin
around shootin black guys.

What's the word, boys?


They'll never see that coming!

I'll see ya at the border!

Archer, we don't
have time for this.

It'll take like, two seconds!


- Okay so, a Cobb salad...
- I am not taking that woman a salad,

Cobb or otherwise.

George, trust me, you don't want
to see my mother with low blood sug --

Wait, why are we slowing down?

We're at the border.


Uh, this new
place, called Canada?


So, customs, passport
control, immigration?

You know, the border?

Yeah, but... with America.

They still guard the border!

Lana, we're going into Canada!

Okay, can you please explain to him--
Don't do that.

Okay, already knowing your answer,
I'm going to ask, "Don't do what."

Make this a weird racial thing.

- I knew, and yet I asked...
- What, I just don't wanna be ganged up


George, back me up here.

I'm gonna back way up,
and not be in here when the

mounties catch you crazy
people with all those guns.

Oh, shit.

What, they're Canadian, they
don't even know what a gun -- oh, shit!

He said, realizing that --
That what's the perfect

disguise for some terrorists who
want to board a train to bust

loose another terrorist?

Oh, shit!

The --
Royal Canadian Mounted Police, folks.

Please have your passports and
declarations forms out and ready.


Yeah, but what if they're
like, actual real mounties?

Well, not to belabor the
point, but they'd still be Canadian.

i.e., I doubt we're in any real danger.

Okay, here goes...


Hands up!

Get 'em up!

I swear to God if any of
you Canadian fruitcakes move I

will shoot that stupid
hat right off your head.

That, that's not okay.

Get 'em up Dudley Douchebags!

Maintain the right, boys.

Whoa, dude, we're serious, we'll shh --


God damn it, Archer!

What, Lana?

You are so!


Thinking terrorists would be disguised as --
Royal Canadian Mounted Police!

Stand down, boys!

We're mounties!

Piss off!

We're mounties!

Great, good, we're all
mounties, so no need for a Mexican

standoff, eh?

Oh yah, hooz aboota co-opt s'moor
American stoof there, eh, Cahnada?

Stuff like Mexican standoff?

- Oh, look at that, the race card...

Let's all just
put down the guns, boys!

C'mon, we're not Americans!


Unvaccinated animal!

Put him down, boys!


Serpentine, Babou!


Aw jeez, he sprayed me!

That reeks!

Did he get away?

Ya, ugh, he
ran right oat past us!


Then screw this.

Please tell me
that's a smoke grenade.


It's not, though.

Hoh-lee --
-- shitsnacks!

What was that?

Probably my stomach growling.

I am literally starving to death.

I don't care, Frank!

We are gonna beat that record,
so put this stupid train in...

train-gear, and jam it!


- I'm surrounded by mediocrity...
- In what way?

In what possible way did that work?

- Umm A, they're all incapacitated...
- And B,

I got to blow up a train.

Well thanks, Gomez --

But that doesn't
help us find Bilcoe!

He's right there, stupid.


Jesus boys, what happened?

I happened.

Drop it, Bilcoe.

You drop it, ya racist bastard!



Wait, how am I a racist?


Shut up and
come on and shut up!

Wait, we don't know which
Mounties are the real ones!

What do we do?


I'm kidding!

Jesus... Hey, good guys and bad guys!

All of you just got a pretty huge pass,
so don't make me regret it later!


Come on!

I'm taking that
as tacit agreement!

Cyril, what the
hell are you doing?

Being blind!

Oh my God, I'm blind!




When will you not suck at this?

When you don't suck at...
shut up!

Go ahead shoot me.

It's better than starving to death.

Everybody shut up!

And then somebody get over
here to be my hostage!

Oh for -- way to man up, Ray!


I'm in a wheelchair!

Yeah, no offense but we're gonna
be, ya know, running around and stuff?

Uh, no!

You're not!

Uh, yeah!

I am!

Everybody okay?

Yeah, I think so.


Paralyzed, but other
than that, fine. Yeah.

- Okay, then Lana, you guard them...
- Okay, what's the plan.

And Cyril, you keep sliding down
the learning curve like the Banana Splits.

And what are you gonna do?

I am going to
fulfill my lifelong dream.

Meeting Mr. Greenjeans?

Snap out of it, boys!


I could use
some help on the roof!

Oh my God, this
is gonna be awwshiiiit!


The dust!

It's like being shot in the eyes by a...

There, that oughta do it.

Okay, let's try that agawwwshiit!


Seared, like tuna steaks!

All I want is to fight
on top of a train!

Is that too much to ask?

The good news,
is now I'm furious.

So, rethinking this, huh?

On top of the train you're
still like, on the train,

plus you got all -- oh shit!

Plus you got all that.

Oh shit. Whyyyyyyyyy--
-- do people do this?

You're still just on the train.

I know, right?

Although, I guess sometimes
there's a helicopter?

Do you have a helicopter?

Mmmmmm... nope.

Just a gun.

It's empty, dickhead.

Yeah nice try, super-dickhead.

What the...?

You fired eight
rounds, ultradickhead.

Am I the only person who ever
keeps track of that, -- oww!

- Wow, and I thought I was mad before...
- Why,

didja see some old black lady
sittin in the front of a bus?

What is your deal
with calling me a racist?

Well A, you're American --
That's, oh shit, racists

jingoist, whatever!

And B, you murdered the porter!


No I didn't!

You shot him!

There was blood everywhere!

That was from
a steak, you idiot!

I was trying to catch an ocelot!

In Canada?

And I'm the idiot?

Hold it
right there, boys!

Canadian Mounted Police!

Dammit, who are the real ones?

Guess that's for me
to know and you to find out.

Well I'm gonna find
out in like five -- RRROWR!


He's corpuscular!

Get him, boys!


Babou, serpentiiiiiiine!

- Yeah, so...
- So yeah, put that in your little secret

agent notebook, along with "don't
leave prisoners unsupervised."

There's absolutely no reason to
ever get on top of a moving train.

Wait, what if
there's a helicopter?

Ooh, yeah, or a dragon!

Ooh, yeah, or some sarcasm!

Ooh, yeah, or hang on!



Aaaaaa... ungh!


That's right, buddy, I
goww oww oww oww oww, Babou no!



Oh come on, I wouldn't say
it was a complete failure...

Oh, really?

And what parts of this mission
would you call a success?

- Well, let's see...
- Maybe the part

where my non-recordbreaking
train is totally shit-housed?

- Not as shit-housed as my spleen...
- Ooh,

or maybe the part where the mounties
will never hire ISIS again!

What's it matter, we're
all banned from Canada.

- Au revoir, sweet man-whores of Montreal...
- Ugh.


You were saying?

- Ah, well, we did help with a major arrest...
- Kenny Bilcoe,

you're under arrest for violation of
sections one through nine of the Canadian

Terrorism Act, buddy.

Sorry to cut into
yer donut supply, boys.

Long live free Nova Scotia!

- Oh wait, make that five...
- Same goes for you bastards!

Plus impersonating an RCMP constable!

That's not
fair, you're doin it!

Oh, wait!

- I guess make that six...
- And besides

attempted murder on a black
guy, you're under arrest for

violating the Exotic Fish and
Wildlife Importation Act.

- Yeah whatever, Dudley Douchebag...
- Plus you already

used that once.

It was good
enough to merit seconds!

You hear that?

They called you exotic!


Which is just people talk for
awesome, which is what you are,

which is why I was happy
to save your life, buddy.


No don't worry, probably
just thousands of dollars in fines,

maybe a little jail time,
hopefully just probation.

Totally worth it.


No, Babou.

That was all sarcasm.


Yes, all of it!

You fox-eared asshole!