Archer (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - El Contador - full transcript

Cyril is promoted to field agent just as the Isis crew is called to bring in the bounty on a South American drug lord - Armando Calzado. But Cyril's incompetence gets him lost and Archer and Lana thrown in jail and they have become a target for Calzado to hunt. Meanwhile, the rest of the Isis crew is ordered by Malory to take a drug test, and uses an experimental detox cure from Krieger with predictably disastrous results.

Come on, Cyril, beat it. Get out of here.

This meeting is for field agents only.

Which brings me to item one.

We don't have enough field agents
to effectively run our covert operations...

...especially since this one went
and got himself paralyzed.

Yeah, that's me, Mr. Selfish.

More like "Ms."

Anyway, effective immediately,
I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.

That sounds great. Best of luck.

Where are you going?

Sorry, I gotta get back to Earth
before the Stargate closes.

Get back in here.

Mother, the chevrons are locking.

And Cyril is utterly, laughably
unqualified to be a field agent.

Some offense.
Uh, some taken.

None of you were qualified
when you first started.

And you've already given Cyril
some training.

Which ended with a dead hooker
in my trunk.

No, it didn't.
It easily could have.

you can't just...

End of discussion. And since
this meeting is for field agents only...

You're taking me out of the field?

Well, unless we need someone
to go undercover as a shopping cart.

This is Román Calzado,
the notorious Colombian drug lord.

And hopefully an infusion
of much-needed capital.

Since when are we
bounty hunters?

Since the DEA's budget was gutted by
all those federal spending cutbacks.

Which is ridiculous,
given the current economy.

The most efficient way
to decrease the budget deficit... to increase tax revenue, through, um...

Cyril, don't make me
regret this decision.

And if you were in my tax bracket... wouldn't be spouting that
socialist propaganda.

Or wearing such shitty clothes.
Or doing such shitty missions.

What are you talking about?
The reward is a million dollars!

Exactly, and how many drug users
could be treated with that money?

Who cares?

They'd just go buy a million
dollars' worth of crack with it.

You don't give them the money.
You can't. They'll blow it on crack.

Oh, my God.
No, they won't...

...because it'll be
in the ISIS bank account.

Because you're going to get Calzado,
dead or alive.

Cyril, dress appropriately.
You'll be helicoptering into the jungle.

Oh, and this whole thing reminds me.

Pam, 9 a.m. Friday morning,
all ISIS employees will take a drug test.


And knock off that damn beatboxing!



Last week it was freestyling.

Yes, this LZ, you dumbass.

Where we are right now, in 24 hours.
And you better be here!

What a dick.

Well, he's probably
just under a lot of stress...

...since he's our only way out
of this stupid jungle, dumbass.

Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.

Ms. Archer said dress
for the tropics.

Um, tropics or Busch Gardens?

Hey, you know what?

Uh, Heckle, Jeckle, between us
and Calzado's fortified compound...

...there's about 10 klicks ofjungle that I just
assume is one giant booby-trap showroom.

So shut your dickholes, get your gear,
shut up again, and start walking.

Any questions?


What's a "klick"?

You say that all the time. I never
know what you're talking about.

- I'm assuming it's a sound of some sort.

Swear to God, first thing Friday
morning, we all gotta pee in a cup.

Which I can't even do, y'all.

Cleaning out my freezer last week,
I found a big bag of skank.

I guess I brought it back
from Jamaica, but...

But it's just a pot test, right?

No, stupid. All drugs.

Oh, shit.

I call them groovy bears.

How about you, Ironside?
You rolling dirty?


Well, then we're all screwed.

Talking about the drug test, huh?

Well, what if I told you I had a way
to beat any drug test in the world?

Are you telling us that?

Well? What is it?

I call it Krieger-Kleanse.
It's an herbal tea, all-natural...

...and it's guaranteed to rid your body
of all traces of any illicit substance.

Well, here. Give me, give me, give it!
Ah, ah, ah.

I literally... Figuratively scoured the globe
for these special herbs... no small expense to myself.

Ugh! How much?
Hundred bucks each.

Oh, come on!
That's more than the drugs!

Or you can save your money
and try your luck in the current job market.

Non-sequential bills,

Well, then why not just say "kilometer"?

Because shut up.
Oh, jungle zing.

So it says here that Calzado isn't even
the head of the whole operation.

He's actually just a distributor...

...for somebody named "La Sombra."
La sombra. The Shade?

No, I bet in this context, the "Shadow."

Ooh! Hey, what's your problem?

My problem is I don't want a thousand
steel balls to shred my genitals.

Claymore mine full of steel balls...

...that fly 1000 meters,
or one klick, a second...

...right at dick level.
Jeezy Petes.

Or ass level, which in your case
would also take off your head.

So quit reading and pay attention.
But there's a lot of useful stuff in here.

Organizational charts, inventory
and cash-flow analyses, spreadsheets.

Of what, possible outcomes
with a 20-sided die?

You don't need a spreadsheet
for that.

And you don't need one to know
you'll suck at being a field agent.

So why do you wanna be one?

Oh. I don't know, I just wanna feel like
I'm a part of the team, you know?

I guess I wanna feel like I matter more.

Wow, not afraid to dump out
your purse in the jungle, huh?

Okay, Cyril, then lesson 1A:

In a potentially hostile environment like this,
the key is total situational awareness.

You look, you listen, you smell...

...and you remember to check your 6.

My six what? Is that my gun?
The old six-shooter?

Oh, my God. O'clock, Cyril.
It means behind you.

Because the last thing you want is...
Lana, hold up a sec.

Ah. Archer, we don't have...

Yeah, that's why I said hold up.

Don't yell at me.

I looked away for literally one second.

Well, where the hell did he go?
I don't know, it's like he just...

You're looking for Predator, aren't you?

Oh. Couple things. A, he's invisible.

Not totally. He has a telltale shimmer.

And B, lower your freaking voice.

Is that Cyril?

Mm, no, it's not whimpery enough.

Cyril. Cyril.

Oh. Goddamn it.
Well, look on the bright side.

Which is?

Which is what?
What's the bright side?

Oh. It's a figure of speech.

All I'm saying is there's a million green
rectangle-y reasons to complete the mission...

...and zero reasons not to.

You mean besides Cyril getting captured?
Besides that.

And if Calzado's men got Cyril,
we'll rescue him when we get Calzado.

Problemo solved-o.

What if it was FARC? Or the ELN?

We'll use some of the million-dollar
reward to pay his ransom.

So shut up, Cyril's gonna be fine.

Unless a tiger ate him.
Tigers don't live in South America.

Well, at least one does, because
I just heard its spine-tingling roar.

That was a jaguar, dumbass.

Thanks, Marlin Perkins.
I think I know a tiger when I hear one!

Every time. Your big, fat mouth
gets us caught every time.

Not every time.
Like a third of the time.

And 1000 bucks that's a tiger, Lana.

If this doesn't work,
we just paid a hundred bucks for liquid fart.

Yeah, well,
here's shit in your eye.

Oh, God, it tastes worse
than it smells.

Man, if I had a nickel for every time
I heard a guy say that...

...I'd have eight nickels.

Archer, I swear to God, if you don't shut up...

I'm just saying, if it comes down to that...
And I hope it doesn't.

- There's no sense
in us both getting raped.

Our special guests
must not be injured in any way.

Uh, does that include
rape-related injury?

Of course. No one is going to
rape you. What is wrong with you?

We're scared. We're just tourists.
Our car broke down, so...

So the assault weapons and plastic
explosives, why do you have these?

Okay, yes, let me explain.
Busted. We're arms dealers.

No, heh-heh, I think not.

I think you are hunting Román Calzado
in the hopes of a million-dollar reward.

Okay, yes, busted again, but I think now
we're kind of rethinking that, so...

So if I give you 2 million, will you go away
and say you never found me?

I... Oh, my God, totally, yes!

Then we give Mother a million
and you and I split the other million.

Uh, Calzado,
you've got yourself a deal.

But of course I was joking.

Obviously, I cannot allow you to live.

No! Yes, you can.

Or choose not to, whatever.

Besides, throwing money away like that
would displease El Contador.

- El contador? Doesn't that mean...?
- The accountant, sí.

Cyril? Oof! Unh!

No, he said, uh, "cereal."

And people in hell want ice water.

Oh, my God! I'm gonna die in a toilet stall,
just like the gypsy said.

Damn that Krieger. Nazi-clone bastard.

Well, we don't know it was the the...

Who the hell are you?!

I'm your friend, Pam, I'm... Pam?

- You're not my friend. You're a Decepticon.
- Aah!

How are you both still alive?!

The floor is lava! The floor is lava!

Clinical trial 13. Subjects' responses
are exceeding expectations.

Pam, you're melting! You're melting!

Because the floor is lava!

Must kill Decepticon!

Call Terry.

The tiger says...

The tiger also says
you owe me $1000, so...

No, I don't, because I didn't bet.

- Bloop! The welsher says...
- Psst!

No, that's a snake.

Oh, boy, am I glad
to see you guys.

Cyril, what the hell is going on?
Are you a drug dealer now?

What? No. You guys aren't gonna
believe what happened.

I had, um, gastric distress, or whatever,
so I was just gonna duck off the trail.

You remember to check your 6.
My six what?

Before I knew what was happening...

Unh! Oh, man, right in my new pants.

And I only had a second to answer,
so I thought, "What would Lana do?"

Um, not Archer?
No, I had to outsmart them.

He said, suddenly too big
for his shit-caked britches.

And then it came to me.

What's a "La Sombra"?

Calzado's boss.
Don't you remember the dossier?

Yes. But what about the gunshot?

Then they brought me here.
I bluffed my way through the rest.

La Sombra did not say you were coming.

I assume he did not
want to give you the time to cook your books.

Oh, I... I swear I don't do that.

Well, then you are a fool.

You pay La Sombra 64 cents
on every dollar you make, no?

I can get that down to 30 cents,
and he will never even know.

You just leave that to me, amigo.

Wait, what's in this for you?

We split the difference, of course.

But first I need some clean clothes.
This is not mud all over my pants.

It's caca.

Holy shit, Cyril.
Heh. Literally.

I kind of wish
I'd skipped the diarrhea part.

No, forget that, you did great!

It figuratively kills me to say this, Cyril,
but yeah, you did.

So now what?
What's the plan?

Oh. Well, I was hoping you guys
could come up with something.

And ideally before tomorrow at dawn.

Why, what's...?
What is going on here?

Ha, ha. Amigo, I was just mocking...

...this giant Negress
and her sissy sidekick.

Yes, they are ridiculous, no?

Are the accommodations to your liking?

No. You shouldn't even keep animals
in these conditions. Look at them.

Cement floors, steel bars, no room
to run around, nothing to play with...

Ah. I think perhaps you are confusing
this with a zoo.

I think maybe it's all
these exotic animals.

Yes, exotic animals for me to hunt.

- You hunt them? How can you do that?
- Like this.

Goddamn, dude!

But you see, even the majestic Bengal tiger
is too easy to kill. It's boring...

...which is why tomorrow, at dawn, I will be
hunting the most dangerous game in the world.

Jai alai?

Sí, so sleep well, amigos.

I want you rested and
strong for tomorrow.

So yeah, try to think of a plan.

Well, go ahead and say it.
Say what?

Since we're gonna die in the morning,
we should have sex now.

After seeing a tiger
get murdered, Lana?

No offense,
but I'm not really in the mood.

If you want,
I can watch while you masturbate.

But I can tell you right now,
my heart won't be in it.

It'll be with that tiger's family.

But go ahead. I mean, start.

And so begins the hunt
for the most dangerous game!

So, what are the rules here, exactly?
Ah. Lana, be still.

You get a 30-minute head start.

Then El Contador and I, just us alone,
will track you and kill you.

Uh... Oh! Can they split up?

Uh, sure, why not.

Then I propose a friendly wager.

We each hunt one of them, and the first
to kill his quarry is the winner.

I like this idea, but, uh, which...?

I get the woman. Called it! Boom!

Uh... All right, since you called it.

Okay, let's hunt some humans.

Go, go, go!

- Are you really that selfish?!
- Apparently!

Clinical trial 13, update.

As hypothesized,
after mind-shredding hallucinations...

...subjects B and C have
lapsed into deep unconsciousness.

Subject A, however, remains at large.

Begin clinical trial 14.

Lana? Lana?

Where the heck is sh...?

Don't scream, it's me.

Oh, thank God.
I thought those were yeti hands.

Never gets old. But good idea back there,
getting everybody to split up.

Thanks. Yeah, I figured you'd know
to head back to the, uh, LZ thingy...

Which we only have an hour to get to, so...
And I figured once I found you...

...we'd work together to rescue Archer,
capture Calzado and escape.

You know, you don't actually suck at this.

You're thinking tactically, making quick
decisions, and I gotta tell you...

...confidence is pretty damn sexy.


Okay, you're doing pretty well so far,
so, what's the plan, rookie?

And sooner would be better than later.

Calzado is on a three-wheeler.
Can you believe that guy?

Who, the drug lord
who hunts humans for sport?

I know, but that's just lame.

Uh, okay. We have to assume Archer's
heading back to the LZ too...

...but he can't possibly outrun Calzado.
Yeah, neither can we, so...

We don't need to outrun him,
just Archer.

Come on.

Ow! Oh, eat a dick, jungle!

Cover it with malaria and leeches,
sprinkle some dengue fever on it...

...and eat a big goddamn jungly dick!

Yeah, you do that...

...and I'll just wait here for a bask of Orinoco
crocodiles to wander by and eat me.

Oh, great, that's probably them now...

...tearing around on
specially-equipped croc-choppers.

Wait, what the?

Oh. Oh, Goddess of the Jungle,
I take it all back.

For when I was thirsty,
you saw fit to slake my...

Goddess of the Jungle,
you are a whore.

Oh, thank God,
I thought you were crocodiles.

Ha, ha. Crocodiles?
On a three-wheeler?

Right? How scary would that be?

Probably not as scary as knowing that
I'm going to cut you down from there...

...and then gut you like a fish.

Well, then you're obviously an idiot
when it comes to crocodiles...

...a.k.a. The world's most deadliest predators.

I am the world's deadliest predator.

Or are you?

- Cyril?
- No breakfast for you.

No, that's my name, Calzado.
Cyril Figgis, ISIS agent.

That's right.

And you're under arrest,
albeit extra-judicially.

Over my dead body.

Well, that can be arranged.


Wait a minute, was I just bait?

That's right, Archer.
All part of my brilliant plan.

Lana, get some vines
and tie him up, chop-chop.

Here we go.

Uh, yeah, it means hurry? Come on,
we got a chopper to catch. Tie him up.

You do it.

Okay, I see what you're doing here.
Hands behind your back, Calzado.

Make me, cabrón.
I... Look, she will shoot you.

No, I won't.
No, no, she won't.

Come on, Cyril, go all rogue on him.

Guys, come on, this is ridic...

I think I'm gonna be...

Yeah, I'm definitely gonna be sick.

Here, maybe this will help.

My eyes! Ow!

Ooh. Probably shouldn't have done that.
Not enough left to get drunk on.

And now, bastardo, I kill you!

Oh! Lana!

Aah! What the hell?! Damn guy.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

You're welcome, Cyril.
So learn any valuable lessons today?

- Yes, I did.
- Me too.

I learned I don't like being bait.

Sorry, Cyril, did that hurt?


Yes, it freaking hurt!

Yeah, right?

What? Yes, obviously I heard what you said.

I just can't believe the head of the DEA
has the balls to say it.

Oh, is that a fact?

Oh, it is.

Hmm. Yep.

So, um, how'd that go?

Oh, fine. He was just explaining to me...

...why ISIS won't be receiving
any reward for capturing Calzado.

What are you talking about?

Because apparently
there's no proof that we did.

We literally handed Calzado to them.

And in return, did they hand you
a signed receipt for the prisoner?

No, they...

Oh, shit.

Mm. So well done.

Because that's exactly the brand of
unparalleled professional excellence...

- ...that I've come to expect at ISIS.
- No, no, no!

- What? Pam?
- I wish I was still blind.

You'll never take me alive!

What was I saying?
Oh, yes, unparalleled...


For the love of God, seal the exits!

- Professional...

That's our pee, and that's the last
I better hear about it...

...because this stupid building is a tinderbox
and I will burn it to the ground.

- Excellence.

Oh, hey, speaking of excellent,
did you hear we met a tiger?

But he got murdered.