Archer (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Skin Game - full transcript

What's red and white and blonde all over? Krieger invites Archer to his apartment lab (Gross!) to learn the answer: Katya. It is a dream come true for Archer to be able to flick a titty and turn "ON" a smoking hot cyborg. But, Malory calls his fiancee an abomination; and Archer had his rope pulled during a long night of banging tail lights! When Archer finds Katya's robo-gina in the sink, he freaks out and faints. Woodhouse suggests some white vinegar, mineral oil and elbow grease will keep her little pleasure boat looking Bristol. At ISIS, Archer drinks with Cyril and some of the Rat Pack while Katya confides in the girls. She does not want to be an abomination but she wants to marry Archer, the man she has always loved. Barry shows up before the wedding, determined to kill Archer and Katya flies to defend him. As the two cyborgs fight, it's bone dancing, swaying to the music... soon, there is no one else in the whole wide world. Katya asks Archer a hard question. Will Katya and her soul mate drive away in the back of a Mike Nichols vehicle? Will Malory get to say a smug "I told you so" ? It is a rare moment, both bittersweet and poignant. It is just like the Electrolux, all over again. And yes, Cyril, it vibrates!

Ugh. What is that?

I've never smelled
that smell in America.

I live in a transitional

As the crack dealers
move to nicer ones?

This better be good, Krieger.

I mean hula girls, a
replica volcano, some...

I have something better!

A surprise! I hate surprises.

I mean, except
surprise fellatio.

That I like. The
non-Midnight Cowboy kind.

Yeah, no, you can breathe easy.

Actually, I can
barely breathe at all.

Oh, probably the bathroom.

Jesus, it's a... Shared bath.

I was going to say
a literal shithole.

Krieger, how and
why do you live here?

Yeah, I use my
salary for pet projects.

No, no! I had Korean
barbecue for lunch,

I cannot look at a
Dr. Moreau pig-baby.

Relax, you're gonna love this.

No, I'm not, and
also I need to pee.

Don't be nervous, I'm
not gonna rape you.

Jesus Christ! But you were
gonna flay me like a perch?

What? No, that's a wetsuit!

Of human flesh? Neoprene.

I'm a certified diver.

Why is it skin-colored?
Well, it's not if you're black.

What is it with serial
killers and skin?

I'm not a "serial" killer.

Wait, why'd you
emphasize "serial"?

I did what? Are we doing...?

Did I mention I have
a surprise for you?

Krieger, equal
parts soju sangria

and fear-induced adrenaline
means I have to pee.

And not in that
sick bathroom, so...

There's a utility
sink in my lab.

Fine, wherever.
But no surprises.

Right. Well, except for the one.

Uh, is the surprise that
you're pirating cable?

No, no, Archer,
I've finally cracked it.

Wow, amazing,
you can play "YYZ."

First of all, it's Y-Y-Zed,

and second of all, no, I
can't yet, it's impossible.

Well? And third
of all, wrong thing.

Oh, my God. Krieger.

Is that...? But how did...?

I mean, at our wedding...

I know, there was
a lot of confusion.

No! Katya! No!

Gross and, or, ick,
and is she alive?

Yeah, man. Flick her titty.

Katya! You're alive!

Well, on, technically.
Either way, you're welcome.

My sweet, beautiful
Katya, it's you!

My darling Sterling,

you awake me like the
prince of Snow White.

I love you.

I... I love you.

Krieger, thank
you, this is the...

Why do you have an erection?

I'm... happy.

Here they are, God,
geese at the trough.

What? Are you...

Thanks for starting
my sentence for me.

People standing around for?

It's bear claw Monday!

And almost 9:30, Pam,

in case you were thinking
about, I don't know, working?

Geez, somebody's raring to go.

Because I burn clean, Cyril.

Because I don't glop up
my engine with bear claws.

And also, because...
Hello, friends of ISIS.

Oh, my God.

And also because
Katya needs a W-9.

Holy shit zombies!
I know, right?

Still crazy hot. How...?

Well, for one thing,
no bear claws.

Is she even here?

Wait, does this
mean you and me...

Pam! MALORY: I swear to God,

if you people can't keep it
down, this is the last bear...

Am I seeing things?

No, she's really here. Ow. Aah.

And if we don't file her W-9,

that first check will
take, like, eight weeks.

I'm sorry, I'm a
little confused.

What, by the dead
woman standing here?

Dressed like a whore.

Dead woman, my
still-shapely ass.

She's obviously a
double, carved up

by KGB plastic surgeons
to look like Katya, and...

How dare you! I'm sorry?

How dare you fail to recognize

my greatest
accomplishment to date?

What, you finally nailed "YYZ"?

It's zed! And no, Neil
Peart stands alone.

I was referring to this.

Katya? On the
flourish is when...

Oh, sorry, doctor.

Just like the gypsy woman said.
You need to quit going to her.

And you need your head examined

if you think that abomination
is ever going to work for ISIS.

Abomination? Baby, come on,

you're not an abomination.

I mean, that's your
original skin, right?


What? Yes?

See? But...

Hang on, hang on. Katya-person,

I'm still processing the
fact that you're a cyborg.

Yeah, way to bury the lede.

Who are you, Horace Greeley?

And also, was I
not clear about that?


Although she does
feel a bit clammy.

Ow, stop it! You stop it!

Just because she's a cyborg

doesn't mean you
can feel her up.

Da, I have feelings
just like all of you.

I feel love, I laugh,
I sometimes cry.

Albeit a
saline-lubricant solution.

Which reminds me, we need
to talk about other internal...

Aah! That sounds
like a private matter.

Yeah, that's what
I'm... And Katya,

my lovely lady,

needs to go with Pam
now to do her stupid W-9.

But Ms. Archer
said... What, Pam?

That she's so jealous
of my love for Katya,

she won't hire a world-class spy

who also, spoiler
alert, can do this?

Babe, you wanna...?

Oh, uh, sorry, darling.

Hey! Wait, or do
I mean "sploosh"?

It's probably not the worst
idea in the world to have

someone like her
working at ISIS, since...

Since you wanna
screw affirmative action?

Since the KGB has
someone like Barry!

Barry! That, that...

Hey, don't worry about Barry.

I'm never gonna let
him hurt you again, baby.

Ha. It is Barry
who should worry.

If I ever see that
zloi mudak again, I...

Don't worry, you won't!

Yeah, he never
calls, he never writes...

So just go with Pam
to do your paperwork.

And I'll go try to
convince Malory

that you'll be an asset to ISIS.

Thank you Lana, that's...
So not doing it for you.

So don't care.

So RoboCop, pro or con?

Neither! I don't want
her to be an ISIS agent,

and I certainly don't want
her and Sterling back together!

Well, I can
understand the latter...

I mean, who wears bangs?

It can't hurt to level the
playing field, now that...

Nikolai has been murdered?

By the new head of the
KGB, who is also a cyborg.

Just like the gypsy woman said!

Oh, for...

Oh, all right! ARCHER: Really?

Katya can be an ISIS
agent? Probationary.

But if I find out the
KGB is behind this...

You won't! They're not!

I'll part her out and
sell her for scrap.

And I thought you
were scared of robots.

I... No, not Katya,
she's different.

Don't come crying to me when
she breaks your heart again.

She didn't break my heart,
Mother, she was murdered.

Yes, and then you ran
away from home to, ugh,

grief-bang the
entire Pacific Rim.

To what? Nothing.

Oh, please, I bet the gene pool

of Polynesia is
irreparably altered.


Baby, I was
emotionally shattered.

Which turns out to be
kind of a panty-dropper.

Is all right, darling.

I understand this, how do
you say, "grief-banging"?

See? Is she not
something special?

Oh, is special occasion?

Well, the love of my life,
this smoking-hot woman,

was not only murdered
and then brought back to life,

she also just got a job
today, so, yeah, pretty special.

Um... Shut up.

Babe, what're you hungry for?

I am thinking.

While she thinks, bring
me soup dumplings.

No, no, I am thinking
about your mother.

God, don't waste the
ROM, or RAM, whatever.

Does she hate what I am?

What you are,
meaning the one woman

who can free her child
from the psychological prison

she spent a lifetime erecting?

No, no, darling. I'm
meaning a cyborg.

She'd hate you no
matter what you are.

Because I did not
ask to be this way.

Yeah, hey, me either,
vis-à-vis Mother.

And you? Do you
think I am a monster?

Baby, I don't care about
the chips and gears,

and, I assume, some hinges.

All I care about is what I see

when I look into
those big green...

Oh, I guess they're red
now, huh? Anyway, your eyes.

Da? And what do
you see in my eyes?

Mostly those
insane boobs. Check!

Oh, boy. Darling?
Are you all right?

Yes, no, yes. Yes.

Lot of feelings coming
together, just trying to process.

Not gonna lie, having
some déjà vu here.

Which, if I gave it
any real thought,

would probably explain a lot.

Try to relax, darling.

You are, how do you
say it? To push a rope?

Sorry, babe, I'll focus.

But could you close your eyes?

I kind of feel like

I'm banging tail-lights
on a country road.

I swear to God, if I went
blind right this very second,

I'd be okay with that.

Don't say that, Mr. Sleepy Head.

Sleep? I've been doing yogic
breathing work for two hours.

My balls are like
cran-baisins. What?

Cranberry raisins. Craisins?

Whatever, yes, I call
them cran-baisins.

How are you this
morning? I am amazing!

Don't take this the
wrong way, but duh.

I mean our love, darling.

It feels like... What is
giant, unstoppable wave?

Wait. You know craisins,
but you don't know tsunami?

Da, then our love
is like tsunami.

Or the Mountain Everest.

An apt metaphor.

Because not only
am I lightheaded,

but certain parts of me are...


They're not coming back.

Why! In the sink is your vagina?

Why? Ha, ha.
Darling, it was dirty.

The remedy for which, miss,
if you'll forgive my boldness...

Da, please, Woodhouse,
I think boldness is needed.

What do you suggest?

White vinegar, mineral
oil, and elbow grease.

Same thing we used in the RFC

to clean the engines
of our Sopwith Camels.

And so, with your permission,

while you breakfast
on the terrace,

I'll get that little pleasure
boat looking Bristol!

I took the liberty of
poaching you an egg.

Is not much of a liberty,

considering that you are
going to polish my vagina.

No. No, it isn't.

And when he woke
up from faint, boom!

He ran out of there
like fast, like crazy.

So, you dated him.
What do you think?

I think... Hang on.

I think if you're
looking for insight

into why Archer is Archer,

you need to jump
in a time machine

and have a threesome with
Oedipus and Sigmund Freud.

Hey, spasibo for nothing.

Well, I don't really
have a roadmap

for my ex finding your
robo-gina in the sink.

In the sink, Cyril. In the sink!

It's like a transistor radio
and a veal cutlet had a baby.

Well, gross, and or, ick. Right?

But I don't see why that means

you have to drink
my Glengoolie Blue.

Because the liquor
stores aren't open yet,

and she made me
pour out all the booze!

Holy shit, really?
Glengoolie Blue?

Yeah, and it's 300 a bottle.

I... Which I haven't
even tasted yet

because I was saving
it for a special occasion

befitting a gift from my
grandfather. Who's dead.

Of course he is, he'd
be, like, a hundred.

It's almost empty!

Just like my heart,
Cyril. Well, not your liver.

Because she ripped
it out! Wait, your liver?

My heart! And
threw it in the sink!

Wait, her vagina? Ow, ow.

Oh, for...

The old man knew his Scotch.

You are such an asshole!

Wait, really? Yes, really!

That was a gift
to my grandfather

from Frank. Sinatra!

Well, then I feel even worse,

because I'm probably gonna
puke it up in about five...

One minutes.

But I meant about Katya.

Yes! You are an
asshole about all things.

But, specifically,
now, about Katya.

Or, could I have done
something wrong?

Besides leaving your
cooch in the sink?


What? That just
sounds considerate.

Is just, I know he has
very good reason to hate

people like me. Who, whores?

And that's twice!
Sorry, ignore me,

my whole thing is I
just crave attention.

But, I mean, Barry
did murder her.

And my possible father.

And, more importantly,
tried to murder me.

Because Barry is a psychopath.

That doesn't mean all
cyborgs are like that.

But Cyril, machines
can hurt people.

Well, you lost me there,
thankfully, but... Give me that!

What, was that Peter Lawford's?

No, it was... Oh, shut up. Do
you wanna learn something?

Probably not.

Because did you
know that in Chinese,

the words for crisis and
opportunity are the same?

And point?


Actually, I have no idea.

They just used to
say that in the hospital.

While they made us fold those
pointy goddamn paper birds.

I think what she... Bawk,
bawk! Therapy cranes!


I think what
she's trying to say,

is you can either think
of this as a crisis...

Or an opportunity!
Like, to get closer!

Oh, hooray.

By marrying her?

Okay, that actually
was Peter Lawford's.

Why not? You were
gonna marry her before.

Before she wasn't a cyborg.

She's still kind and
smart and insanely hot.

Hmm. Yeah, and even
though it's detachable,

that vagina is, like,

Oh, yeah? What,
does it vibrate, or...

Ow, ow! Damn it! You started it!

That's my fiancée
you're talking about!


I can look past our
differences, Cyril,

I'm a much bigger
man than you think.

Plus, it'll drive Mother crazy.

Plus, yes, it vibrates.

Really? ARCHER: Yes, really,

and, Krieger! Today?

Hmm? Oh, sorry.
Little thing called timing.

And the erection's
really not appropriate.

I'm still happy.

Katya? Baby?

Oh, yes, yes, a
thousand times yes!

When's the wedding?
When's the wedding?

I can actually
marry y'all right here.

Oh, for God's sake!
Get it over with!

Ha, ha. Brett! BRETT: Aah!

Wait, do you want me
to be a groomsman?

No! Go to the liquor
store and buy a case...

Three cases of champagne.

Sure, I'll limp on down
there. Don't limp, Brett, run!

We're having a wedding
in a few short minutes!

Ha, ha. And it's a win-win.

Plus it vibrates.

Okay, bride and groom,
check. Bridesmaids, check.

Best man. Well, best available.

Oh, for... Name one,
name one friend of yours.

Shut up. Ray, don't you
have, like, a priest outfit or...?

No, I wore it to Fetish Night at
The Snug, and it's covered in...

Okay! Ugh. Red wine, ass.

And who gives this woman
to be wed in holy matrimony?

I do!

And no mother
of the groom, so...

Yes! Right here! ARCHER: Mother!

You came. Phrasing, boom! Heh.

Inappropriate. Alrighty.

So unless anyone besides Mommy
Dearest objects to this union...

Oh, I think other Barry might.

Huh? Barry!

Yeah, and I brought bubbly.

You mudak!

Whoa, you kiss your
motherboard with that mouth?

And also, is anybody gonna ask

how and why I knew
to show up here?


Okay, I'll bite.

By tracking the satellite signal

from Katya's
internal hard drive,

which Dr. Dipshit over
there bought from the KGB.

What? Krieger!
Yeah, but, the savings.

Like, 80 bucks you saved.

But nobody is gonna
save you, Archer.

Don't you have that
backwards? Archer, don't!

Everybody down!

Ugh. Why do I always
forget you're... Ow!


Really super-strong?

Yeah, walk that off while
I kill your girlfriend again.

Then we do the dance.

Actually, I don't think I'm
in any shape to dance now.

The dance of death, idiot.

But first, let's me
and you cut a rug.

How you say, come at me, bro.

Ow. Is that the best you've got?

Obviously not.

But this is!

Katya! Jesus,
somebody, a little help!

We are if you'd shut up!

It's pound! That is pound!

Pound six, pound five two!

I'm confused, what are we...?
- Here!

Still confused. LANA: Ray, now!


Their CPUs run on
photovoltaic cells.

Without exposure
to a light-source,

they'll slowly lose power.

Hmm. Like vampires?

No! Nothing like
vampires, idiot!

Well, I'm sorry, Ira Flatow.

From Newton's Apple.
Will you shut up?

If Barry gets weak enough,
maybe you can overpower him.

I was just gonna say that. Move!

Sterling, be careful! - Shut up.

Pam! It'll spoil.

Goddamn it.

Barry! CHERYL: Polo!

Will you shut up!


Beset on all sides by idiots.


Brett? I thought you were dead.

No, just hurt
really, really badly.

Although not nearly
as badly as I am now.

You better not be
bleeding on my carpet!

No, pretty sure
I'm all out of blood.

Well, serves you right for...

Ha, ha. Oh, Barry, I
am coming for you.

Phrasing, boom. - Brett!


And after I kill you

and defile all your
cyborg-y corpse, I'm gonna...

What? Oh, for
shit's sake! Really?

Whoo! Yeah!
Darling, I can explain!

- Ray, turn the lights on!
- No! The photovoltaics!

Turn on the goddamn lights!

Why do I always forget that?

And how can you explain that?

What, were they having
sex? Think so, yeah.

Called it! CYRIL: Ha, ha.

As we fought, it became
more like, like dancing.

Bone dancing. Shut up!

Katya, how could you do this?

I'm sorry I hurt you,

but I realized that,

even though you tried
to see past what I am,

Barry and I are the same.

Inside and out.

Yeah, except her
insides vibrate.

Aah! Ow! Ka-klunk.

Always with the forgetting.

We are like two mermaids,
we must swim together.

So I won't ask
you to forgive me,

but could you at
least be happy for me?

Because I have finally
found a soul mate.


Or, whatever,

I guess. Yes.

Thank you, darling.

You will always have
a special place in my,

well, I guess my C drive.

While Other Barry and I
are in her other special place.

Which, again,
vibrates. Later, tater.

Well, Mother, go
ahead and say it.

Oh, Sterling, you've just
had your heart broken.

You don't need a smug
"I told you so" from me.

And smug it would be, because
tell you I most certainly did.

Just like that
Electrolux all over again.

So I know that sucked...

Vacuum cleaner puns?

Now, really?

No idea, thankfully,
about any of that,

but if you really
did love Katya,

you've gotta be
happy that she's happy.

Yeah. She did look
pretty happy, huh?