Archer (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Placebo Effect - full transcript

KRIEGER: So there's your breast-cancer
tumor, and the portacath...

...through which you take
cyclophosphamate intravenously.

[ARCHER SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]

And you're taking
tetraphenol orally, right?

[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]

[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]

[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]

I don't know, Krieger,
maybe it's because I'm a badass...

...but chemotherapy is a breeze.

Yeah, that's my point.

Two weeks of chemo with no hair loss,
and you're not experiencing any nausea?



[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]

Which, I gotta tell you, huge fan.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, and I advocate its use.

As a potential role model, I advocate it.

To combat
chemotherapy-related nausea...

...or for cannabidiol's clinically-proven
ability to inhibit cancer cell growth?

- It does that?
- Yep, and if you need more, let me know.

I got a guy.

Me too, Krieger. He's called a pharmacist.

Yeah, and is he the same pharmacist
who gave you all these chemo drugs?

He damn sure didn't give it to me.

You would not believe
how much cancer medicine costs.

Those pills are like 80 bucks each...

...and the IV stuff
is literally 2 grand a bag...



...so why the hell are you poking a hole
in my bag, Krieger?

Because I want to run a few tests.

And so, if the reagent turns blue...

ARCHER:
But what does that mean, is that good?

No. It means this $80 pill
is 100 percent sucrose.

- What?
- Sugar?

I know what sucrose is, idiot.
But there's medicine in there too, right?

- Uh, no, not a trace.
- What...?

Wait, so I've been treating
my breast cancer with sugar pills?

You didn't think it was weird
your chemo drugs were chewable?

- No, little kids get cancer.
- Oh, they do.

- Well, what about the intravenous drug?
- Right, yes, the cyclophosphamate.

- Hm.
- "Mm" what, Krieger?

"Mm" no, this isn't cyclophosphamate.

Well, what the...? Krieger.

What the hell is it?

Well, this is just an educated guess,
but, um...

- Zima?
- What...?

LANA:
Oh, my God, are you serious?

- Counterfeit cancer drugs?
- Yeah, basically candy corn and Zima.

- Jesus.
- Probably why I've been in a great mood.

But, Sterling, your tumor.

- All this time, it's been...
- Growing, I guess.

Oh, Sterling.

Plus God knows how many cancer patients
have been taking that stuff.

- Huh, like Ruth.
MAN: Here you go, folks.

A week's supply
of breast cancer chemotherapy drugs...

...and, uh, your medical marijuana.
- Oh, you poor thing.

Does someone you love
have breast cancer?

Yeah. Me.

Um, name's Archer.

Ruth. And don't you worry, dear.

We can beat cancer with this medicine.

Even if I can barely pay for it.

Don't you worry, Ruth.
I'm gonna make them pay for it.

What are you...?
Sterling, no, you're not well.

What are you going to do?

Cry havoc, and let slip the hogs of war.

Dogs of war.

Whatever farm animal of war, Lana.
Shut up.

[PHARMACIST WHIMPERING]

- Oh, God.
LANA: I think he gets it.

Just film the confessions, Lana,
don't editorialize.

- Do you get it?
- Yes. Look, please.

Because I swear to God, I will strip
back down and show you all over again.

No, I get it. I get it.

- You have a lot of guns.
- And a knife.

Which I am going to push, very slowly,
into your urethra.

Ew.

If you don't answer my questions.
Number one.

ARCHER:
Wow, what a pussy.

I could barely even keep up,
he was spilling the beans so fast.

Well, you threatened to shove a knife
up his dick hole. Which, again, ick.

- Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.
- Still, though.

- You really wanna take on the Irish mob?
- No, I don't.

They're the ones switching out life-saving
cancer drugs with candy and Zima.

And why couldn't it be
the Brazilian mob?

[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]

[GUNSHOTS AND MEN GRUNTING]

Plus I can only assume a Brazilian mob
would be a jillion times sexier.

ARCHER: Seriously, these potato heads
have to be the unsexiest mob of all time.

You know who you're messing with, boyo?
You have any idea who our boss is?

Nope, but a hundred people surveyed,
number one answer is on the board.

- Name the douchebag who's in charge.
- Vincent Van Go **** yourself.

Hm, Vincent Van Go **** myself.
Survey says...

- Ahh!
MIKEY: Oh, Christ.

- Good Jesus, Archer.
- What, Lana?

- I said it was a rampage.
- Still, though.

- Unh, unh. Oh, you son of a whore.
- Save it for the fast money round, Paddy.

Hundred people surveyed,
number one answer's still on the board.

Name the douchebag who's in charge.

Eh-ehh! Need an answer.

Mm. Cock-flavored spit.

Well, you never know
what's gonna be on the board.

Let me see cock-flavored spit.

[GUNSHOT AND TOMMY SCREAMING]

Guys, that's two strikes.

One more
and the innocent Honduran janitors...

...get a chance to steal the bank.

I'm just assuming you don't know
what goes on here.

I hope that doesn't sound racist.

- Okay, kid.
- He is a kid, Archer.

Lana, you're in the isolation booth.

Looking for the douchebag who's...

PADDY: Mikey Hannity, you say one word
and I'll cut your yellow heart out...

Uh-uh.

- Oh, Christ!
LANA: Ugh.

Mikey, you gotta listen to me.

I have breast cancer.

TOMMY:
Ha, ha. Breast cancer.

So you'll forgive my impatience
because I and a lot of other people...

...have been trying to fight cancer
with your boss' fake chemo drugs.

Chemo?

They told me it was cream
for male pattern baldness.

- Do I look like I need bald guy cream?
- No...

I can barely get a comb through this.

It's so thick my barber
charges me double. I love my hair.

- As I'm sure you love your kneecap.
- Franny Delaney.

He runs everything here in Brooklyn.
Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution.

Victimless crimes, Mikey.
Tell me about the counterfeit chemo drugs.

They make the pharmacist
buy the real stuff.

Delaney sells it to...

...I swear I don't know who,
but they switch it with fake stuff here.

- And those pricks do all the packing.
- What?

You guys are in on this?
And I was worried about sounding racist.

- Were you?
- They don't know what goes on here.

They can't read English.

All those beaners care about
is taking American jobs.

Hey, relax, Hannity.

It wasn't all that long ago
that everybody hated the Irish...

...for swarming over here in their
potato boats and taking all the jobs.

Yeah, they... Wait, what?

And I'm pretty sure...
Guys, feel free to correct me.

- That "beaner" is a pejorative term
for a Mexican.

[ARCHER SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]

Huh. Thought there'd be an overlap
with the Portuguese.

- Plus they're gagged.
- Still.

- And third, is this the real stuff?
- Yeah, this is all real.

- Why?
- Because I'm way behind on my treatment.

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm sorry, Lana,
did I mention I have cancer?

I know, but now in mid-rampage?
You really think that's a good idea?

Hmm. Let me see,
to take my prescribed chemotherapy...

...for my said aforementioned cancer?

Yes, idiot. I do.

[VOMITING]

- Oh, I'm sorry I called you an idiot, Lana.
LANA: Ha, ha. Yeah?

ARCHER:
Yeah, you were totally right.

Unh. Not a smart mid-rampage move.

Ha. And you think that is?

Yes, idiot. I do.

Sorry. Again. I'm not myself.

But you are kind of being a bitch.

LANA: Okay, so day two
of the chemo-fueled rampage...

...and, wow, how you holding up?

Not great.

As you can see,
I've got wine coolers on my feet...

...because my toenails
are popping off like pogs.

Fair amount of gastric distress,
and, uh, scarf.

Suck it up. I tracked Delaney
to an all-night poker game.

Great, one second?

[VOMITING]

- Ew.
- Unh.

Ugh, I never thought I'd say this,
but I really miss the Zima.

MALORY: I mean, was I there for every
single recital and lacrosse game? No.

Is our adult relationship perfect? No.

But I just can't even imagine life
without my precious Sterling.

- And have you ever told him that?
- What, are you kidding? No.

Wow, really? My momma told me
how much she loved me all the time.

Exactly. Look how you turned out.

Uh, with high self-esteem?

PAM:
What you doing, Krieger?

Well, I feel bad for Archer...

...so I'm making him
some Portuguese flashcards.

Portuguese? But isn't...?

I thought Krieger was a German name.

?ber German. It means "warrior."

How come you know Portuguese?

Because I grew up in Braz...
Bristol County, Rhode Island.

- Lot of Portuguese in Rhode Island.
- Where you're from.

- Born and raised.
- Uh-huh. What's the state capital?

- Of?
- Rhode Island.

- Dallas?
- Aha.

- "Aha" what?
- It's Austin, duh.

It's Providence.

But I bet he knows
the capital of Brazil, don't you?

I don't have to answer that.
Who do you...?

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

- Oh, my God.
- What the heck was that all about?

Duh.

- I actually have no idea.
- No shit.

Yeah, I don't know why I do that.

LANA:
Because I don't want it in my car.

What do you want me to do, Lana,
throw it out the window?

- Obviously.
- Oh.

WOMAN: Aah!
- Ha-ha-ha. Oh.

- I'm gonna be sick again.
- Not in here, you're not.

- Then pull over, Lana.
- No, we're late.

- You might've missed your shot at Delaney.
- Well, then now this is happening.

Wh...? Ugh.

- Lana, did you see my scarf?
- Yes, Archer, I saw your scarf.

- All my hair fell out.
- I'm sorry.

Me too. It was my fifth best feature.

Oh, I think it's your sweetness.

Heh, heh.
Nobody's ever called me sweet before.

Well, you're sweet enough
to come see a sick old lady in the hospital.

What? I didn't come by to see you,
I'm trying to bang a candy striper.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- But, uh, it's not good, huh?
- No, dear.

Afraid it's just not responding
to those chemo drugs.

Hey, you two can't smoke in here.

Oh, unwad your panties.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- Yeah.
LANA: Archer.

- Ha, ha. What?
- Archer.

We're here.

ARCHER: Oh. Right.
- You good?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[PANTING]

Rampage!

[GROANS]

ARCHER:
Little help?

KRIEGER:
Leave me alone. I am not a Nazi.

- Yeah, well, what about your father?
- No, he was a scientist.

- Pretty sure the Nazis had scientists.
- No, they didn't.

That's why we... Ahem.

They lost the war. Lack of science.

Well, we'll just see what Ms. Archer
has to say about this Nazi beeswax.

KRIEGER:
Fine.

Or, you know, not fine.

Because between the cancer
and the chemo...

...and the just shit-tons of weed...

Oh, actually, yeah, good idea.
Let's hang back a sec and burn one down.

No. And I know it's not my business,
but I think you might have a problem.

- Yeah, Lana, it's called cancer.
- And also drug abuse.

Thanks, Woodsy. The Drug Owl.

Now shut up
and kick in the door for me.

And do it badass like I would...

...if I still had toenails.

Shite, Joey, you call this a hand?
More like a foot.

- A great big...
- Franny Delaney.

Stand your ass up.

Oh, you just missed him.

Shame, too, because he just loves
the E Street Band.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- Did he just crack on my scarf?
- I think he did.

- Ow! What the shit, Archer?
ARCHER: Oh. Uh-oh.

- You idiot asshole.
- Sorry.

Now we're even, Lana,
from the time you did that to me.

- I am sorry, though. I know that hurts.
- Argh!

Speaking of hurt, boy,
you're stepping into a great big world of it.

- So I suggest you take your bull dyke...
- Lana!

- Lana! Aah!
- What?

First of all, you don't have to yell, Lana.
I don't have ear cancer.

And second, until I find out where
Delaney is, please stop shooting people.

Go ahead and shoot me.

Because ain't nothing in the world
can make me talk.

Well, heh, you say that.

[WHITEY GROANING]

What are you doing back there?

ARCHER: Don't worry about what I'm doing,
concentrate on what you're doing.

What am I doing?

Well, for starters,
you can apologize to my friend...

...for your homophobic remarks.

I'm sorry, darling.
I had no idea you were a gay.

- What?
- She's not gay, she just has big hands.

LANA: What?
- Nothing. Shut up.

I'm gonna assume
you know the difference...

...between an M26
and a Mark 2 fragmentation grenade.

- What?
LANA: What?

Oh, sorry, do you not? Heh, heh, okay.

All right, the Mark 2
has kind of nubbly ridges.

Do you feel those?
Different circumstances, might feel good.

- Wait, son. Now, just wait a second.
- Another key difference is the pin.

Oh, Jesus.

See? The striking lever's
the same, though.

It's spring-loaded. Which reminds me...

...did you know that men can also benefit
from doing Kegel exercises?

[WHIMPERING]

Case in point, huh?

Now, where's
your cancer-patient-killing boss?

ARCHER:
I got it, let's go.

You're gonna leave him
with a grenade up his ass?

Yes, Lana, I'm on a rampage.

- And also kidding, it's a smoke grenade.
WHITEY: Oh, thank...

[HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING]

- Asshole.
- What?

What?

What?

What, Lana?

ARCHER:
What?

I thought it was a smoke grenade.

They look exactly nothing alike.

What?

[TIRES SCREECH]

ARCHER:
What are you doing? Delaney's not here.

LANA:
No, but my ENT doctor is.

Do you like him? Because I sure do.

Good bedside manner,
knows all the parts of the ear.

- What was his name again?
NURSE: Mr. Archer?

- I guess you heard about Ruth.
- What?

About Ruth. I guess you heard.

- What?
- Ruth.

- Your friend is dead.
- What?

Regis. I wake up early every morning
and watch Regis.

And that smile of his,
it gets me through the day.

You know what,
I'm gonna start doing that, Ruth.

Oh, you must.

- Regis is the best.
- No, Ruth, you're the best.

LANA: Archer.
- Hm?

LANA: Archer.
- What? Oh.

ARCHER:
Heh. Oh, man, what have I been doing?

Chain-smoking joints
the size of tampons.

- Ew.
- Figure of speech.

Still, though. Ew.

You're not rampaging?
I thought you were rampaging.

Right, yes, here we go. All right.

I got this. Franny Delaney.

Let's take a walk.

A walk? Is that some sort of a joke?

A roll, then. Whatever.

- Are you not listening to me?
- Well, obviously not.

My God, how is there not one picture
of us together?

Krieger's father was a Nazi scientist.

And JFK's father was a bootlegger.

What? That's like comparing apples
to Nazi oranges.

Oranges, exactly.

Do you like powdered orange
breakfast drink?

No, not really.

How about microwave ovens,
Neil Armstrong, hook-and-loop fasteners?

Okay, you lost me.

None of those
would have been possible...

...without the Nazi scientists
we brought back after World War II.

- The Nazis invented Neil Armstrong?
- Rockets.

Which put him on the moon.

After the war ended, we were snatching up
Kraut scientists like hotcakes.

You don't believe me? Walk into NASA
sometime and yell, "Heil Hitler."

Whoop. They all jump straight up.

But, Cyril, I know all about
Dr. Krieger's origins.

And I also know
that nobody likes a tattletale.

Yeah, Cyril.

And if it's one thing I've learned
in all my years as a spy master...

And if it's one thing I've learned
in all my years as a spy master...

...it's that you keep your friends close.

Yeah, Cyril.

And possible genetic clones
of Adolf Hitler closer.

Yeah, Cy... Wait, what?

- Yeah, what?
MALORY: Hm?

Oh, my God, it was you.

My 15th birthday,
you were at the compound.

[DOGS BARKING AND MAN SCREAMS]

When they finish, bring me the boy.

[MAN SCREAMING]

The day my pet Dobermans
accidentally ate my father.

Oh, Krieger.

MALORY [OVER INTERCOM]:
Nothing's an accident.

Holy shit snacks.

- Krieger's one of the boys from Brazil.
- Duh!

Oh, my God, seriously, I'm sorry.
I think I need help or something.

No shit.

One more crack about monster hands...

...I promise you,
I will shoot your fat Irish faces off...

I'm sorry, was that racist?
I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at Archer.

I've got two perforated eardrums
and I guess I've just been...

[GASPS]

...getting hotboxed all day in my car.

Shit. Which I'm trying to sell,
but fat chance now.

I bet it smells like weed and rampage.

Damn it, that is classic him.

- Ooh, do you guys have any snacks?
ARCHER: Here.

This is good, right here.

For what, boyo? We having a picnic?

- Oh, my God, do you have snacks?
- No.

What I have is a plane to catch.

Yeah? To where? Some bigger mansion
somewhere else you bought...

...with the profits
from your fake chemo drugs?

Pretty much, yeah.

So if you're gonna shoot me...

- Oh, don't worry, I'm gonna shoot you.
- Ha, ha. No, you're not.

You're an ISIS agent.

You got a sense of honor, fair play.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- What?

You obviously haven't seen my movie,
uh, Terms of Enrampagement.

- Hang on, that was lame.
- You killed my men, sure.

But they were armed.

I'm just a sick old man in a wheelchair.

You can't do it, boy. I know you.

- You don't know me.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I know you better than your mother.

Who I had for three days at D?c Quay.

Can you, uh, go ahead and repeat that?

I said, I had your mother
for three days at D?c Quay.

And was that, hopefully,
some sort of Vietcong prison camp?

Singles resort. Phuket, Thailand.
Whole place ran on beads.

But let me tell you, boyo...

...that mother of yours
found a whole new way to use them.

To use the beads?

Oh, yeah. Boop.

- Ugh...
- And then zing.

Like an SSP racer.

[VOMITS]

Good times.

Goodbye, Archer.

Tell your mother
to give me a call sometime.

- Delaney?
- Yes?

Did you see Regis this morning?

Yeah. Why?

Yeah. Why?

MALORY:
Oh, for the love of...

ARCHER:
Shut up. Shut up, here it comes.

Oh, booyakasha!

Right in the face. I swear to God,
I could watch this, like, a million times.

- I'd swear to God we already have.
- Well, that's too bad, Mother.

Booyakasha, booyakasha.

Hey, just because
he was your boyfriend...

What boyfriend?

It was two weeks in Phuket,
anything goes over there.

Zing! Ahem.

Wildly inappropriate.

- Seriously, Pam.
- Okay, Clone Wars.

- Zing.
- And, Mother, we had a deal.

I supply the mimosas
and bagels and lox...

...and you people shut up and ingest them
and watch Terms of Enrampagement.

[LANA GROANS]

- Which, obviously, a working title.
- We have watched it.

Yeah, every Friday
for the past three months.

- I'm not complaining.
- See?

Twelve straight weeks
and Pam's still on Team Live Badass.

Yeah, and Team Live Badass?
That's the best you could come up with?

Well, Lana, since you already had dibs
on Team I Have An Oversized Vagina...

- Hey, shut up.
- You shut up.

And everybody else shut up
and watch Terms of Enrampagement.

[ALL GROAN AND MUTTER]

CHERYL: Hey, come on.
- Why don't you call it Magnum, P.U.?

It's a working title. Idiots.

Liked him better when he had cancer.

First of all, what the shit, Mother?
And second of all, too bad...

...because the doctor says
my cancer is in remission.

Seriously, what is cancer?

So I'll probably never get
any sort of cancer again, ever.

So shut up and watch my movie.

- For which I really need a better title.
- Oh. How about Citizen Dickbag?

Snark Victory?

Wait. I got it.

Casablumpkin.

[English - US - SDH]