Archer (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Stage Two - full transcript

When Malory has a breast cancer scare, she makes the mistake of telling Lana within the same galaxy as Pam, who texts the secret to but Archer and Ray. Archer knows how to uncover ISIS secrets: just ask Pam. When Malory sees Dr. Spelvin, he finds Malory tested as a false positive ...and Archer has a dead crawfish in his right lung! (Who knew AmPetCo was such a mistake?) Archer O.D.s on positivity, Lady Vagina cancer and little pink ribbons. Seamus gets more than that for which Trinette bargained. It may be so boring and forever taking, but some of the gang are determined to see Archer through his cancer... even after Archer takes off with Woodhouse's little brother, Dicky. Their prepaid snort in Las Vegas turns out to suck and blow for both Dicky and Archer. (Figgis, you got some 'splainin' to do!!) On the eve of Archer's surgery, Lana puts 100% of herself into Team Cure Archer, who is shitfaced and spouting love. Four hours late for his surgery, Archer gets positive results. And then he does not get positive results. And then he does get positive results... and then he does not ...who could make sense of it all? Archer contemplates drug and chemo therapy, and he tries to stay positive. Cyril may be looking at doing time in Las Vegas and Malory is looking at doing Dr. Spelvin. Archer is looking at doing some rampage planning. Things are looking good!

Ugh, a rainy day and a Monday.

Talk about a downer
double whammy, huh?

Do anything fun
this weekend?

Because I sure did. Friday night was
Cornhole League, then on Saturday...

If I cared about what you do
on the weekend...

...I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth
and pull the trigger with my toes.

Saturday, I watched
a building burn down.

Morning, Ms. Archer.

It took all weekend, but I finally
got that payroll glitch sorted out.

I said by 5 on Friday.
Yeah, sorry, the computer was down... over the weekend, I had to punch
all these cards by hand, and then...

Carefully put them in order.

Careful, it's pretty delicate.
Wow, and this is all marzipan?

Except for the barn. That's just
graham crackers and icing.

Your dad is gonna love it.
I hope so.

It's probably not the best birthday present
for a diabetic, but...

Pam, those quarterly reports
better be on my desk when I walk in there.

Are you walking in there
right now?

What did I tell you on Friday?
I was gonna come in this weekend...

...but I had to finish this
so I could get it in the mail today.

Wrong answer.

What the shit?

Hey, hey, now,
come on, honey, it's...

It's just like when the farm flooded
in real life.

Only tiny and sweet.

Idiots. Surrounded by nothing but...
What the hell is your problem?

Finding your replacement
if you don't watch your tone.

My tone? Watch your tone.
Don't speak to me like I'm some...

Some what? Balloon-breasted bimbo?

Always prancing around
in those clingy little whatever they are... dresses
and your double-D push-up bras... that all anyone can see for miles
around are your gigantic breasts.

So you wanna tell me
what's going on?

No. I want you to get out.

I'm sorry, dear.

I had a mammogram on Friday...

...and they found something.

Oh, my God.


Is that why you're being such a bitch?

You have to swear you won't
breathe a word of this to anyone.

Totally, yes.

Especially Sterling. If he found out
I might have breast cancer...

...he'd be devastated,
so this information cannot leave this...

Pam, what the hell?

What? Nothing.
If you're texting about my...

I'm not, I swear. This is about...
Breast cancer? Oh, you poor thing.


What is wrong with you?
I can't help it, it's like a disease.

Do you not know what "disease" means?

Oh, sorry, I forgot you might have...

Breast cancer?
Oh, for the love...

And would you get off? Breath?

Malory, if there's anything we can do,
you just say the word.

My entire laboratory
is at your disposal.

I'll let you know
if I need a hybrid pigboy.

A what? That... What are you...?
I don't have one of those.

That'll do, Pigley.

That'll do.

Anymore. What are we talking about?

No one is to speak of this ever,
and especially not to...

Sterling. Good morning, dear.

Good morning.
What's the big non-me-telling secret?

Is there one?

At a spy agency?

There's no secret. We were just...
Mother, pardon me, sorry, one second.

No, you don't. Pam.

Pam. Pam. Pam.
Pam. Pam.

I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm good.

Ahh. I'm good.

Your mom's got breast cancer.

She what?

Nice work, Pam.
Damn her piggy little eyes.

Aww, Pigley.

Mother? Is this...? Do you...?

Good God. You'd think
he was half fainting goat.

Aww, Goatley.

Well, actually, men can
develop breast cancer...

...although it's extremely rare.
Yeah, and also hereditary.

So thank you, Mother, for that.

There's a good chance your mother's
first mammogram was a false-positive.

I'll know for sure after I get the results
of her diagnostic exam...

...but I've got a good feeling about her.
And the feeling is mutual, doctor.

Hey, can you not? Right now?

There are several other risk factors
for male breast cancer.

Such as... Any history of alcoholism?

- You know, I mean, I drink socially, but...
- Ha!

I didn't have breakfast.

Any unusual exposure
to radiation?


- Wait, seriously don't open it?
- Yes.

Oh, I thought you were
being sarcastic.

Looking for this?

Or perhaps the lead container
I probably should've left it in?

So wait. Wait, wait, wait,
there's good cholesterol?

Mm, no.
Well, then a little dose won't hurt.

Doctor, I have Ms. Archer's results.

Well, if it isn't Chet Manley.
Yeah. And is... I wanna say Peggy?

Rita. And you said you'd call me.
Really? To both statements?

If it's not too much trouble
I'd like to know if I have cancer.

The first test was a false-positive.
You're totally fine.

Oh, thank God.
Yeah, good.

Uh, hey, you wanna grab a drink later?

I can't believe it, it's such a relief.

I don't have
breast cancer.

So guess we can skip all this, huh?
Well, we're here, machine's on...

...may as well take a look.

So if you could?
Oh, sorry.

"Wow" what?

What is "wow"? What is that?

That's, um...

Yup. That's breast cancer.

Yeah. So listen, uh...

Wanna grab a drink later?

Yup. Stage I I breast cancer.

- What?
- Archer, no.

Yeah, I mean, it's not as bad
as stage II I or IV...

...but it's not, you know, obviously,
not as good as no cancer.

God, I should definitely get checked.
I am so bad about doing the self-exam.

Hey, how about
we check each other?

So, what's next? Do you do chemo or...?

Lumpectomy. I go in for surgery next week
and they'll try to cut it all out.

Oh, God.

If they can't get it or if it spreads
to my lymph nodes, they'll do chemo...

...but I'm trying to stay positive
because I can beat this.

That's a good attitude.

Wow, you seem kind of different.
Yeah, did I mention I have cancer?

Not that, dick. Your whole outlook.
All this positivity and whatever.

Well, I have to be positive, Lana.
I gotta stay strong.

So here, show some support.

Here, Brett, take a ribbon, buddy.
What is this?

A pink ribbon. I have breast cancer.
Ha, ha!

- Seriously? Breast cancer?
- Yes.

Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?

- Heh, heh. Uh...
- Huh?

- Excuse me.
- Oh!

I'm trying to stay positive.

Both mentally and spiritually, Brett.

He certainly doesn't have cancer in his fist.
He is beating his ass.

Now, if you will all excuse me again...

...I'm going to spend some quality time
with those who are dear to me.


Yeah, hey,
it's got a safety pin.

Breast cancer. And, yes, seriously.

And I don't know how it's gonna turn out,
so I wanted to, you know...

...spend some time
with the wee baby Seamus.

He's not even your real kid.

So it's weird.

So is me paying you child support,
but you keep cashing the checks.

I'm sorry.

Come on, Trinette,
Seamus may not be my son...

...but he's probably
as close as I'm gonna get.

Where are you taking him?
I don't know.

What's he into?

Oh, that is just classic him.

I mean, my God, I was the one who...
Was getting all the attention?

Who thought I had breast cancer.
Shut up.

And now he has it,
so it's all Sterling this and ribbons that.

Well, he does actually have cancer.
Well, he didn't get it from me.

It's contagious?

What the shit?

I know.
I'm not normally a tattoo guy, but...

Not yours, shitbrain. His.

It's like we've got each other's backs.

You can't tattoo a freaking baby.

That's what the tattoo guy said.
Had to slip him an extra 100 bucks.

How about I slip somebody 100 bucks
to throw acid in your face?

Costs more than that, I bet.

To buy acid, Trinette.

Come on, Seamus.

I hope your stupid cancer kills you.
Oh, yeah? Well, I hope...

I hope it doesn't.

And to that end, Woodhouse,
macrobiotic food.

Find out what that is
and start cooking it.

Oh, and smoothies and, uh...

Why are you dressed
like a tout?

My vacation starts today, sir.

I'm riddled with cancer, Woodhouse,
and you wanna take a vacation?

No. But I asked for the time off
a year ago...

...and Dicky and I have been
planning this trip ever since, and...

Who's Dicky?
My brother.

He's younger.

And we've always dreamed...

...of someday going
to Las Vegas together.

So we saved up and got a lovely package,
and it's prepaid, you see, so...

Prepaid, huh?
Yes, sir.

Did I mention I have cancer?

God, what a trip. Barely got back in time
for surgery. You should've been there.

Yes. God knows
when I'll be able see Dicky again.

Or where.
Yeah. Mexico's pretty big.

And so is your heart,

That's probably the nicest thing...

...anyone's ever done for me.
Oh, well.

I'm serious.
You showed me how important family is.

And you're kind of family, and I know I'm
not always as nice to you as I could be... I'm gonna work on that, okay?

I... Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Toilet's clogged.

And so I wanted to say
I'm sorry, Pam...

...if there were ever
any times...

...when I was less than nice to you.

Well, **** your dolphin, Pam.
Archer, she's down.

And I definitely could've
been nicer to you, Ca... Cheryl.

Here, take two.

- And, Brett! Where's that ribbon, buddy?
- Aah!

Gonna go put it on right now!
Then come see me.

I got some mid-range
Scotch for you, you nut.

- Oh, hey, where's Cyril?
- Extradited?

Ow. But I've never
even been to Las Vegas.

Oh, you gotta go.
It's amazing, I hear.

But I've never been. Here.

What? He can't have booze,
he's going to jail.

Come on. I have cancer.
Of the tits.


Okay, give him the booze.
Jesus, I should get checked.

Hey, can somebody water my plants?

Heh. No.

Mother, come on, they said
I could eat and drink till midnight.


The stuff they use to sterilize hospitals?
Pretty sure it's okay.

So here's to, uh, family,
I guess.

I'm sorry if I've been a bit selfish
about your breast cancer.

I'm sorry if I haven't always been,
uh, you know...

Well, you do the best you can.


Are you scared?

I am, actually.
Me too. Sterling, I...


Me too, Mother.

It's kind of weird opening up
like this, huh?

Yeah. Give me another belt.

There's so much
I still wanna do.

Oh, now, you're gonna be fine.

Like, I've never been to Rome.
What? Yes, you have.

For work, Mother.

Sterling Malory Archer,
this surgery is going to work and you...

Look at me.
You are going to beat cancer.

But what if I don't?

So how's this going?
Not great.

Lana. Lana, what if I don't?

Can you take him home?

Can you not?

If I don't get something to eat,
I'm literally going to die.

I seriously might, though.

You're gonna be fine.

What if I'm not? What if I die,
and then have to live with the fact...

...I was a dick to you like a jillion times?

Don't worry about it, just...
Lana, I'm in love with you.

You are also shitfaced.
I can be both.

I might die tomorrow... I really don't think
I should be alone tonight.

Nope. Nope.
Lana. Did I mention I have cancer?




What? What the shit, Lana?

Wait, Lana?

Why are you in my...? Oh, shit.

My cancer surgery.

So, uh, listen, about last night...

Don't worry about it, just...
Wait, we should talk about...

Whatever's in this IV,
which I love.

We can talk after your surgery.
Right? Mm-hm.

Or never, probably, knowing you.

Where's Mother?

Sterling? Was that him?

Yeah, where were you?
The cafeteria.

Bear claws. Rowr.

I've been here since 6.

He was four hours late to his own surgery.
Yeah. Kind of a late night.

And speaking of...

I spent last night in the Tombs
getting worked over by the cops.

Fun! Oh, you mean literally.

Yeah. Until the Las Vegas police
faxed over this little gem.

Too soon?

Oh, my God.
How much cancer was in him?

This is so boring and forever-taking.

Well, then, for the 50th time,
shut up and go back to the office.

No. I wanna be here, in case he...

Why would you say that?

Real numbnuts.
What? We're all thinking it.

No, we're not.

This surgery is going to be
a complete success...

...and Sterling is going to be
completely cured.

Oh, shut up.

Although he has been a lot nicer
ever since he was diagnosed.

Oh, really?

Still too soon.

Not too soon for good news,
I hope.

Oh, and also some very bad news.

What's the bad news?

I have to take a rain check on that drink.
I'm on call this weekend.

- What about Sterling?
- Oh, right.

That's the good news.

What are you, hourly?
Thanks to me...

- ...the surgery was totally successful.
- God, thank you.

And now Mr. Archer is...

Totally cancer-free!

I beat cancer, everybody!

Oh, Sterling,
I knew you could do it.

Is that why you didn't even bother
to see me off to surgery?

You were
four hours late.

We grabbed a bear claw.

No, it's fine, Mother, whatever.
Hey, how you doing? I beat cancer.

Looks like he's back
to his old self.

Oh. Let's hope not.

Hello? There's this great
new thing called "coasters."

Jeez, sorry.

Don't apologize to me,
apologize to the Brazilian rosewood.

So, listen, about last night...

Lana, hey, I know you probably think
it was just because I was drunk...

Well, and scared.
Well, more drunk.

Super scared.
Not really.

But the thing is...
Woodhouse, answer the damn phone.

Archer residence.
So the thing is, Lana... Here's the thing...

It's for you, sir.

One sec. Talk to me.

Mr. Archer? Hi, it's Dr. Spelts.
Duh. Who?

Dr. Spelts?

I did your cancer surgery
like two hours ago?

Oh, right, listen,
I'm kind of celebrating right now, so...

You may want to hold off on that.

I should've waited...

...until your post-op results came in.

But I could tell your mom was already
crushed about the rain-check thing...

So, what are you saying?


What was I saying? Oh, yeah,
the cancer has spread to your lymph nodes.

What does that mean?
Well, it's not good, obviously, so...

Sterling, what did he say?
The cancer... spread to my lymph nodes.

Holy shitsnacks.
What's cancer?

Yeah, so I guess this party
was a little premature, huh?

Hey, now.
Sterling, there's radiation treatment...

...there's chemotherapy, there's...

I think just those two things, but...
But you can still be cured.

This isn't, you know, um, good, but...
Excuse me.

That was the best you could do?
Shut up.

What did I expect?
Jesus, look at how I've treated all of you.

Carol and Pam and Cyril.

Oh, my God, listen,
I'm gonna clear up this Vegas thing.

Great. All you have to do is go down
to the police station and confess.

Or something maybe else...
That's actually the only thing...

...that you can do.

Woodhouse, salt of the earth,
who basically raised me.

And you helped, Mother. I know that.

And, Lana. Lana, I want you to know
that what I said last...

Woodhouse, seriously,
a little help.

Archer residence.

For you, sir.

Was that so hard?

Lana, sorry, give me one second.

Because I really want you to hear
what I have to say.

- Hello?
- Mr. Archer. Hi, Dr. Spelts again.

Yeah, listen, doctor, I'm kind of
making peace with my loved ones... some other people, so...
You may want to hold off on that.

Because, boy, did I pull a boner...

...said the urologist. Ba-dum-bum.

Anyhoo, turns out I mixed up
your chart with another patient's.

Wait, are you sure?
Of course I'm sure, I'm a doctor.

And I can say positively you are...

Totally cancer-free! Again!

Suck it, cancer!

Cyril, I don't wanna see you
with an empty glass.

Yeah. So about my Vegas problem...
Yes. The Vegas problem.

I've been giving that a lot of thought.
I'm sure... Mother, feel free to chime in here.

But I'm pretty sure ISIS can get you
a whole new identity, Cyril.

Wait, no...
You can use one of my old ones.

I don't wanna use one...

You're Chet Manley now.
I don't wanna be Chet Manley.

Everybody, say hello
to my friend Chet Manley.

Not a new person.

Shut up, I saw him first!

Speaking of being a new person, or not,
did you wanna tell me something?

Did I?
Like four minutes ago?

When you thought you were dying?
Oh, right.

Lana, so here's the thing...

I got it!

- Hello?
- May I speak to Chet?

Oh, my God. Heh, heh. Uh...

Yeah, hang on, he's right...

Wait, who is this?

The nurse?



Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, this is Chet.

Hang on, Peggy, I got another call.

- Talk to me.
- Mr. Archer? Dr. Spelts...

I know! What, doctor?

Well, you are just gonna kill me...

...but turns out I was right the first time.

The first time you said I was cured!

Now I'm confused...

At the hospital, doctor! You said...
Oh, no.

I meant the first phone call.

When I said the cancer had spread
to your lymph nodes.

So, yeah, we're gonna wanna start
a round of chemo ASAP...

...but in the meantime,
is your mother there?

Are you here?



Too soon?