Archer (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Movie Star - full transcript

Oscar winning actress, Rona Thorne, is taking on the CIA and the KGB in Deitrich Viener's new movie thriller, "Disavowed!" Since Rona wants her performance to be amazing, Rona wants to train not only with ISIS, but with Lana Kane. Rona says she is SO inspired by Lana, the epitome of an empowered woman! Lana hesitates about sharing highly classified covert ops with anyone outside the agency, but when Archer offers his services, Lana immediately agrees to work with Rona. Meanwhile, Malory takes advantage of the access to Rona's Hollywood agent and Cyril; this results in a taut, sexy thriller-sequel to "Mandingo." Pam borrows something from Rona and tells Cheryl and Ray. It is an "Operation Dick Sledge," flashback at Rona's apartment; Steele and Cassius find their own Pinch Two and experience jungle fever at ISIS. Surprisingly, absolutely no one but Archer and the computer nerds seem to be paying attention to current events; Archer is the only one who is not totally starstruck. Will it be bawk, bawk! therapy cranes for Ray, Pam and Cheryl? Does Granny get her groove back? Will Cyril ever return to his self-help meetings? Archer's diligent attention to business and/or revenge could be the key to success on this mission. Or, will Archer and Lana be totally fugu-ed?

She's battled ivory poachers,
raging rivers, even tuberculosis.

And now, Oscar-winner Rona Thorne
takes on the CIA and the KGB... Dietrich Viener's
new thriller, Disavowed.

Oh, my God. It's going to be amazing.

I play a spy
accused of being a double agent... she has to clear her name.
I read Dietrich's script, I was like:

"Look at me." I was like, "Whoa!"
Ha, ha.

So it's going to be amazing.

Oh, my God, she's amazing.

- Eh, I don't know.
- Because you're an idiot.

Who obviously never saw River's Rage.

I saw it, but I was like, "Eh..."

Wha...? Are you nuts? That scene
where her baby gets swept away?

Bawled so hard they made me leave,
never saw the ending.

- Well, they find the baby...
- Aah! Don't tell me.


- Dead.
- Damn it.

Jammed up under a log.

Oh, and that wet clingy shirt
she wears the whole time?


Oh, my God, that river was so cold.


- Why are we screaming?
- Do you know who you are?

I do. Ha, I do, I do, I do.

I'm supposed to be
meeting Malory Archer, so...

Come in, dear. Come in.

The rest of you, don't you have
something better to do...

...than stand around all day and shriek?

- No.
- Nope.

- I'm sorry. That sounded like no.
- Lana, she has to research her role.

This isn't the sheriff's department...

...where you wear a windbreaker
and go on a ride-along.

- This is highly classified covert ops.
- Yes. Covert ops.

This is exactly the kind of spy lingo
I wanna soak up.

What part of "highly classified"
do you not understand?

All of it.

That's why I'm here doing research,
so you can teach me.

Which she'll be happy to do.

Wait a minute.
What are you getting out of this?

Nothing. Well, apart from a small
consideration from the studio.

LANA: Uh-huh.
- Which we're still negotiating, but...

- Who's your agent, by the way?
- He's not taking new clients.

And, Lana, please,
you have to, have to, have to help me.

- I don't, don't, don't. And I'm not...
ARCHER: Not really qualified.

- I'm sorry?
- It's not your fault, Lana.

I, on the other hand, am qualified...

...since I happen to be
the world's greatest secret agent.

- Uh, but you're a man.
- And then some.

So, obviously, he can't give you...

...a woman's perspective like I can.

- So, yes, I will be happy to help you.
- What?

Oh, my God, this is gonna be amazing.

- You're just doing this to spite me.
- And?

I should be teaching Rona Thorne
how to be a secret agent, not Lana.

"Woman's perspective." I mean...

...l'm so obviously the best agent. Duh.
How could she pick Lana over me?

The mind fairly boggles.

- Exactly. Wait, was that sarcasm?
- No, sir.

Oh, good, because your opinion matters.

And since you seem unclear
on the concept...

...that was sarcasm.

- Well played, sir.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

The minute this interferes...

...with my real assignments,
we are finished.

Oh, my God, totally. Yes.

I mean, I'm just acting,
but your work is so... So vital.

- It is, but...
- Don't do that. I am so...

Look at me, I am so inspired by you.

Wow, l... Really?

Oh, my God, you're like the epitome
of an empowered woman.

If I can bring even one-tenth
of your strength...

...and sexiness to my character...

Oh, my God.

PAM: Ha, ha, you're kidding.
- And just what exactly is so funny?

- Uh, it's just...
- It's hard to picture you as a young actress.

- For your information...
PAM: A young anything.

My acting career... Shut up.

- Was really taking off.

I was on my way to a callback
for a TV commercial...

...doing the crossword on the 41 bus
and a man leans over and says:

"If you like puzzles,
I may have a job for you."

And guess who he was.

PAM & CHERYL: Wild Bill Donovan.
- Wild Bill Donovan, head of the OSS.

Three weeks later I was in Tunisia,
killing a man.

But I always wondered,
what if I had gotten that commercial?

Guess that Tunisian guy
would still be alive.

He was German. And this character,
Gerald Martin, the CIA director...

Why couldn't that be Geraldine Martin?
No, no, that's awful.

Uh... Ooh. Malory!

But not Martin, something like Steele,
because she's a very strong woman who...

Who will remember that at bonus time!

And she's also having a torrid affair
with one of her sexy young agents...

...who's black.


Ha, ha. Oh, my God, that is amazing!

And that was a lot better.

RONA: Ahh.
- At least that time you fired downrange.

And, oh, my God, seriously,
I am so really super sorry about that.

Totally my fault.

Buy a suit at Bergdorf's,
send the bill to my manager.

I will take you up on that.

Right after I go to the hospital.

Oh, my God, if I, like...

...possessed the capacity
to be embarrassed...

Eh, I shouldn't have started you off
with a fully auto.

Let's see what we have
in a semiautomatic.


- Well, that's no good.
- Uh...

- What's not?
- Your stance, you're fighting yourself.

- Excuse me?
- You're rigid and stiff...

...which, you know, I'm all for,
heh-heh, rimshot, but not on the range.

You gotta relax. Let your weapon
be an extension of your body.

Oh, my God.

Aw. I meant to make a frowny face.

But, hey, speaking of your body
and my body and stiffness...


What the hell, Lana!

I guess that really hurt.


You should have ear protection.

Yeah, ha-ha-ha. Grown-ups.
Keep moving your lips without...



Excuse me. Mah...

Can you believe I used to date him?

- And... Wait, what?
- Yes. And I bet he cheated on you.

Just like I bet every one of your boyfriends
has, all the way back to...

Sorry, but I assume you were
just an insanely gawky teenager?

- There was some mild gawkiness, but...
- Which you've never got over...

...which is why, please don't hate me,
you're teeming with insecurities.

- When you totally shouldn't be.
- Ha, ha, I'm not.

You're gorgeous and smart... Have you read
Unleashing the Me by Reinhart Schmoll?

- Uh... I haven't.
- Ooh, you have to read it.

Take my copy, it'll change your life and...

- Oh, and you have to start keeping a journal.
- Uh...

Hey, where's my journal?

Um, I maybe kind of slightly took it.

Wha...? Why would you do that?

- Did you think it was meat?
PAM: L...

Shut up. I wanted to see
what she's really like.

Give me that. Little Miss Invasion
of the Privacy Snatchers.

Oh, come on. Haven't you ever snooped
on somebody you thought was dreamy?

No. Well, except Randy Muckler...

...who turns out was just leading me on
to get out of the draft.

So I made a phone call to the draft board.
Now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks for Hands?

- Did...?
- A booby trap blew both his arms off.

He said it was in a coconut.

Mawp... Mawp...

Oh, yeah, please.
Keep gawking at the deaf person. Mawp...

- Ugh, deaf people are gross.
- Not as gross as the hook-hand ones.


I don't know.

- Mawp, mawp, mawp.
- Yeah. Stop. Quit doing that.

- What?
- Stop. Not helping.

- Is that helping? Fricking Lana.
- Stop.

I mean, even for her, this is over the line.
She's gonna wish I was never born.

- Just gonna softball it in like that?
- Mawp... What?

CYRIL: I'm sorry?
- I said, "Come in here, I need your help."

But I'm on my way
to a SexAnon meeting.

- Which is exactly why I need you.
- You...

- Oh, no. Please, Miss Archer, l...
- Wha...? Don't flatter yourself.

I'm talking about this,
the script for Disavowed.

Oh. "Cut to Malory Steele, the 50ish
and incredibly sexy CIA director..."

- Spy comedy?
- What? No.

- Because that has been done.
- It's a taut, sexy thriller.

Or it will be, if I could just get all
the taut, sexy bits in the right order.

Yikes, yeah. You can't have a flashback
with a flash-forward in it, that's...

- That's where you come in.
- Bad writing.

Because I wangled a call
with the studio execs...

...and I think I can sell them on a rewrite
if you fix it.

For starters,
I don't think you wanna say this guy... "as coal black and thick-muscled
as a field hand."

I don't need you for content,
just for plot structure.

Yeah, but racist overtones aside,
it really limits your casting options.

I mean, only two, three guys
could play that.

You just have to find the guy
who's not intimidated by your power.

Or my twin TEC-9s.

Or those big, steam-shovelly scoops
you call hands.

- Wha...?
- I'm kidding. Look at me.

That's the gawky 6-foot teenager
everybody cheats on...

...not the embodiment of sexy, empowered
womanhood that you've become.

You really think
I'm sexy and empowered?

Oh, uh... You're like a brown Boudicca.

Who I wrote an amazing poem about in...
Damn, I wish I could find my journal.

So then it's settled.
We're a go on Operation...

- Ooh. What should we call it?
- Dick Sledge.

- You wanna...?
- No, but it's like sour milk.

You just gotta take a whiff.

What's the story, neckbones?

Sophomore year at my stupid college,
I had a crush on the quarterback...

...this super hot guy named Dick Sledge.

- Sploosh.
- Jinx.

I was invisible. He wouldn't even
sign my cast when I broke my own arm.

But I thought if I knew what he liked,
then I'd have an in.

So one Saturday when he had a game...

...I broke into his room
to see what music he was into...

...or turtles or roll around in his clothes,
or whatever...

But you were so busy sniffing his jock,
you didn't hear him come in.

Because he totally snuck up on me.

Then I guess I blacked out.
I don't remember stabbing him.

- What? Why'd you have a knife?
- I didn't.

It was his stupid pair of scissors.

And it was his fault for grabbing me
with his throwing hand.

That's how his tendon got severed.

- Holy shit snacks.
- Yeah. They said he could've gone pro.

- So glossing over why you broke your arm...
- So he'd sign my cast.

- What exactly is your point?

Duh. Just break into Rona's apartment
and put her stupid journal somewhere.

- Hey, yeah.
- Nope.

- Why not?
- Because it's just not believable...

...that this guy...
Who, also, cannot be named Cassius.

- Oh, you don't...
- would risk his career...

...for a woman twice his age.
- So make her 40.

Yeah, and who's gonna play her?

Me. That's the whole point.

You do realize there's a finite supply
of Vaseline in the universe?

- Ow!
- Type! Nerd.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Mawp.
But I'm under a lot of stress.

And we're not? Tsk, you got any idea
how much I got on my plate?


- You know...
- What?

I could've crushed that.
Come on, let me help. What you got?

Picking up chatter about a bomb threat
in the Middle East.

Who cares? I'm talking local.


Yes. Yes. See, this is...

Wow, single-space,
you wanna broad-stroke it for me?

Kolchenko, the new Soviet premier,
is scheduled to give a speech at the UN... favor of strategic arms limitations,
but the hardliners in the KGB...

Hey, who am I, Kissinger? Broad strokes.

The KGB's gonna shoot this prick
as he walks into the UN.

- And?
- And what?

Was that so hard?

Count Snackula?

No, shut up. We go in, drop the journal
and get out. No snooping.

Oh, come on, I just wanna see if me and her
have stuff in common, like...

- Tons of cock porn laying around?
- I don't have cock porn just laying around.

But sometimes, you know,
you forget it's in the VCR.

- How do you forget...?
- You rub one out, flip back to regular TV...

...Superstars is on, and all of a sudden
here's Joe Frazier's dumb ass drowning... forget it's in there.

Until Mom and Dad come to visit
to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.

Why would you think it's okay
to share that?

Why are you idiots in the armory?

- And give me those.
- Hey, we're using those.

No, you're not. All this equipment
is for field operatives only.

Now, beat it. I'm on a mission.

- You're not our supervisor.
- Shut up.

- We're on a mission too.
- Da-da-da...

We're breaking into Rona's apartment
to hide the journal Pam stole.

- You're kidding.
PAM: No.

There's a sniper out there
who could spark World War III...

...and you idiots are tying up
ISIS resources on high school bullshit.

PAM: Yes.

I don't see a downside to that,

Here, load up. Should be a big box
of grenades here somewhere.

Where? Tell me where Pinch Two
is supposed to go, and I'll...

- Act Two.
- Act Two is wall-to-wall...

...with this love story
you're making me shoehorn...

The forbidden love between Malory
and Cassius is central to the plot.

Oh, for the love of...

Why don't you just make it
a shot-for-shot remake of Mandingo.

Uh, I hate to interrupt,
but I'm off on a dangerous mission.

That's what people wanna see.

- Not Granny gets jungle fever.
- Huh! Get out.

But even though it's super-dangerous,
I'm preventing World War III, so...

LANA: Wait, what?
- Uh, nothing, no big deal.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Nope.

- Oh, my God, strong and sexy.
- Gotta get by.


Will you shut up?

If you don't mind,
I have to stop KGB snipers...

...from assassinating the Soviet premier
as he enters the UN.

- Now, there's a Pinch Two.
- That's pretty good.

You're not taking this.
You never qualified as a counter-sniper.

I would have.



You know, if I'd gone to the thing.

- Lf your aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle.
- What?

- There's your Pinch Two.
- So I'll just be taking these.

- And me.
- Nope.

Lana, please, this is perfect for my role.

- No way.
- You have to.

- This is the real thing, Rona.
- Which is why it's a job for a man.

Which is why shut up because I and Rona,
am and are taking the mission.

- Oh, my God, this is gonna be...
ARCHER: Don't say it. I swear to God.


RONA: Isn't this amazing?
LANA: Not really, no.

I wish I'd let Archer take this one.

But we're, like, keeping the world free
for democracy...

Not if I can't take out the KGB sniper team
who God knows where they are.

[OVER RADIO] There's about
a bajillion hide sites around here.

And a hidden transmitter
in your rifle scope.

You dumb idiot.

- I'm sorry?
MAN [OVER PHONE]: You should be.

Look, I took this call
as a courtesy to Rona, okay?

Which now I'm regretting because
what kind of farkarkte bullshit is this?

- I beg your...?
MAN: Disavowed is a spy thriller.

- Which is why we want to change the title...
MAN: To what, Mandingo II?

- Wait, hang on. Hang on. Jeannie!
- What?

MAN: Anybody doing a Mandingo sequel?
When can you get me a treatment?

- Two weeks.
MAN: You got a week.

We're calling it
Mandingo Il: The Enslavening.


- Well, Cyril? We did it.
- Yeah, we kind of did, didn't we?

A taut, sexy thriller.


MALORY: Oh, yes. Take me.
CYRIL: Mm, mm.

MALORY: Oh, take me, Cassius.

Oh, my God, you seem really tense.

You know what I do when I'm tense?

No, but I bet you're gonna tell us.

RONA: Kelp tape.
- What?

It's amazing, like, kung-fu monks
make this 50-foot tape.

- Like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp.
LANA: Uh...

You swallow it over, three days
and you start to, you know, pass it...

...then you just slowly, slowly pull it out
of you over three more days.

- Wait, what?
- It pulls all the toxins out of your body...

...and you just feel, ahh, so clean.

Oh, yeah? While you're tangled up
in a half-mile of shit-covered tape?

Heh. Fricking actresses.

All right, time for a little tension relief
of my own.

- You know what else is great? Colonics.
- Shut up.

I got a window opening up...
There's another one.

This is so exciting.

And another one. Shit, and another.

That's not all.
If you order now, you'll also receive...


No way.

Yup. He's down.

But not forgotten. Come, Kriegerbots.

Avenge your fallen comrade.

What voice is that? Is that from Bullwinkle?

Damn it, they're everywhere.
There's too many, I can't...

Tell me how to help.

Shut up and grab that scope
and tell me where they are.

- Uh, okay. There's a nice way to do that.
- Ugh. Will you just...?

Okay, there's a... Wait, no, there's... Ahh.

Oh, my God, I can see my penthouse.

- Well, unless there's a sniper in it.
- Well, somebody's in it.

Who the **** is
in my ******* penthouse?

We are. We're complying.

- You. Get your fricking hands up.
- You're not my supervisor.

- We're gonna go to prison.
- No, we're not.

Say the right stuff and they send you
to a mental hospital.

I just this second realized
why you do macram? instead of knitting.

No sharp objects on the ward.
They were super strict about that.

- Who was...?
- She's got a weapon. Drop it.

- You're not my supervisor!
- God.


Damn him. I told him no parties.

- Give me. Give me it.
- What the shit?

- Give me. Give me it.
- Rona, stop. This is a serious... Ow!

- Situation.

I know and, oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

- Please, please, don't hate me.
- Uh...

What's wrong with me?

It's tetrodotoxin from the fugu fish.

LANA: What?
- Yeah, what?

RONA: I'm a Russian sleeper, silly.
- Jesus, Lana, how did you not see that?

But you're a famous Hollywood actress
for, like, many years.

How is that possible?

Oh, fun. I never get to tell this.

Okay, well, my parents were sleepers
in L.A., still are. Love them.

And we were encouraged to,
you know, blend.

And so I ended up being an actress.

- But it's so unnecessarily elaborate.
- Oh.

Oh, my God, I know, but the lengths
they go to, look at me, you have no idea.

Is my new favorite device of ever.

I mean it. With the schnoz and comb-over...'re a dead ringer for Karl Malden.


Come on, buddy.


Lana, hush.

If you sit quietly, the poison
should wear off in, like, four hours.

LANA: Huh?
- But if you struggle, your heart could...

- Freeze! Wait, where'd she...? Oh, shit!
- And we wouldn't want that.

- Damn it.
LANA: Archer, look out.

Nice warning, stupid.

There's Kolchenko's motorcade. Oh!

This'd be such an amazing finish
for Disavowed.

So bummed I won't be able to work
on it now. Oh, my God, on anything.

Oh, my God, I won't be famous anymore.

I don't know. Oswald's pretty famous.

Not in a good way.

Oh, my God, and the money?

- Last year, I took home almost 200 grand.

- In gift bags.

Yeah, you think?

Now some guys
in some country I've never been to...

...expect me to throw all that away
for some lame, whatever, ideology?

- So don't do it.
RONA: I know, right? Is that crazy?

ARCHER: Absolutely.
- But if I do...

...there's some amazing stuff happening
in Soviet cinema.

And they promised me I could direct.


Uh, uh...

Yeah. Kolchenko's down.
Oh, that is so gross.

Huh, that's gross? You use shrimp tape.

Kelp tape. Oh, and, Lana, promise me
you'll try it, especially after this.

- Mm.
RONA: It really pulls the toxins out.

Oh, and please read
The Unleashing Of Me.

- And please, please, please.

Don't beat yourself up over this.

- You are a sexy, empowered woman.
- Mmm.

Oh, and speaking of,
wish me luck on my directing career...

...which is gonna be...
ARCHER: Don't say it.

- Amazing.

I'm out.

I'm out.


- How long did she say this will last?
- Four hours.


Oh, my... You're getting off on this.


[English - US - SDH]