Archer (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Tragical History - full transcript

Tired of his colleagues constantly calling him a failure, Cyril agrees to help George Spelvin, a mysterious computer security expert, inject a virus into the ISIS mainframe so he can defeat the virus and be seen as a hero.

I am the target.

I am the target.

- I am the target.
- Ugh!

Then go already!
Bag with which one douches.

Sorry, what's that?
Miss it.

I can't hear you...

- All right.
- Over the sound...

- Come on.
- Really?

...of my deafening awesomeness.

Come on.
Suck it, women.

Oh, my God, I hate him so much.
What a dick.

Three hundred bucks.
Damn it.

Come render the salad unto Caesar.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-uh.

We're still in the lead.

Check it out. Look.
Well, yeah, but just by one.

And Cyril's got three throws left... get two measly points...
Ha, ha. Yeah.

...for the win.

Are you shitting me?
Will you shut up?

- Ignore him.
- Oh, my God.

Forget those first two darts
and just find your center.

Maybe it's in your vagina, right?
What is?

Come on, Cyril. What's the matter?

Can't perform under pressure?

- Could you repeat that, please?
- Onomatopoeia.



...M- O-T-O...


Jeezy Petes.

You idiot. How could you miss that?

How could he not? He's Cyril.

Come on, gals. Pammy Pam is buying.

Way to go, Chokely Carmichael.

Pam. Pam, wait up.

Come on, get me drunk enough,
I might have sex with you.


It's a catch-22.

The amount of alcohol I'd need...

...would literally kill me.

I wanna see how many pool balls
you can fit in your mouth.

My record's three.

Oh, come on, buddy.
You want a drink?

No, I...
Not even some vinegar and water?

With friends like that, eh?

Your friends.
Well, they're not really my friends.

We just work together. Oh, hello.

At ISIS, you said?

- No, I didn't say that.
- Well, somebody must have.

George, by the way. George Spelvin.

Cyril Figgis.

And thank you.

No, thank me tomorrow.

After Cyril Figgis saves the day.

I don't know what mother is so mad about.
God, Pam, would you hurry up.

Would you shut up?

Fricking head's pounding,
I'm sweating booze...

...and my mouth is killing me.
You stuffed four pool balls in it.

- Personal best.
- Your mother must be so proud.

Yeah. Oh, wait, she's dead.

And what is up with your mother?

Uh, what comes after infuriated?

Great. That's just what I need,
coming off a blackout drunk.

Yeah, the last thing I remember was...

I don't know.
Were we super bitchy to Cyril?


Great. Now he's gonna be
moping around... Droopy Dog on downers
for the day.

Hey. Morning, gang.

Jeez, Archer,
what's got your mom so worked up?

This! Krieger.

Hunch, hunch.

And the damn thing is spreading,
to every computer in the office.

Do you think this is funny?

Do you not?
Nobody can do any work.

Yeah. So can we go home, or...

Right after you idiots deworm
the entire computer network.

Oh, come on.

How are we supposed to do that?
Well, I could take a crack at it.

Duh-duh-duh! Don't touch it.
I know...

Cyril, go do whatever it is you do.

Like suck at stuff.
And leave this to people...

...who are more qualified.
At not sucking at stuff.

But I...
Cyril, just beat it. Krieger is on this.

I think.

At least, I have a:

Hunch, hunch.

What, what?
What, what?


What do you mean?

No. I mean, the first part worked.

I snuck into the mainframe last night,
after all the champagne and the...

Hand jobs, yes.

The twins are quite fond of you.

Well... Ha-ha-ha.

I loaded that into the mainframe...

Splendid. Then open your dish.

Part two,
where I use your code to kill the worm...

...and kind of be the hero for once,
that didn't happen.

Don't worry about it. Open your dish.
No, thanks, I'm...

Cyril, I got that specially for you...

...and quite frankly, you're insulting me.
Now, open your dish.

Sorry, George, I didn't mean to be...

George, there's money in there.

I thought they brought you chicken toes
or something.

George, why is there money in there?

Cyril, I've been just a teeny bit...

...less than honest with you.

No, no, no. It's nothing sinister.

I design computer security systems.

CIA, Ml6, ODIN, all the biggies.

You must be pretty good at it.

Too good, that's the problem.

My systems can't be hacked, so now
I can't convince anyone to upgrade...

...which is why I designed this.
And thanks for helping me test it.

If it's that easy on an XL-9 network
like the one at ISIS...

...I think I can convince my clients
they're at risk.

Wait, what kind of risk?

Not from this. It's just a cute little pirate.

But it shows there are flaws out there
that can be exploited by bad people.

Trust me, it's for the greater good.

I guess. It just...
If you're uncomfortable...

...taking the 50 grand, I'll just...
No, no.

Fifty grand? No, I mean...

Look, as long as it's for the greater good.
Oh, it is.

And as long as I can still, you know,
swoop in and save the day, ha-ha...




That might be a problem.
You think?

Oh. I do. Because now the worm
is in the mainframe databanks.

- Hunch, hunch.
- What, what?

Damn it, Pam!

- Sorry.
- Hunch, hunch.

I was just checking to see
if it's still doing it.

Of course it's still doing it!

Hunch, hunch.

- What, what?
- Pam!

That's not me!

Yes, it is!

Pam, I swear to God!

Yeah. Quit screwing around, Pam.
This is serious.

Very. If the worm gets
into the mainframe's encrypted files...

Holy shit. The identity
of every single ISIS field agent is on there.

So what?

Because most secret agents
don't tell every harlot from here to Hanoi...

...that they are secret agents.

Then why be one?

- What, what?
- Ah, jeez. Sorry, that one's on me.

Ugh. Just turn off the mainframe!

- Uh, yeah. We tried that.
- What...?

Then how is it still on?

Because the worm
has transformed the mainframe...

...into a sentient being.

- What?
- I'm kidding.

There's a battery backup.
Yeah. Over there.

Behind about 2 tons of steel
and one electronic lock.

Which is controlled by the mainframe.

Well, what genius thought that up?

This one.

- Hunch, hunch.
- What, what?


And where the hell have you been?
On agency business, at the bank.

Sesame Ginger Savings and Loan?

What's all this?

This is the backbreaking work
we've been doing...

...while you were getting takeout
from your stupid Chinese bank.

Every single one of these has to be wiped,
reformatted, the whole shmeel.

What? It's just a little cartoon pirate.

Was. But it mutated,
and now we're, like, on the brink...

...of World War II.

It's not a competition, Pam.

Well, is it or isn't it?
I don't know.

The mainframe thinks
they're nuclear missile launches...

...but the darn thing is so screwed up.

Hunch, hunch.

Case in point.

There's really no way to be sure.
What am I supposed to do?

Just look out the window?

Nuh-uh. You don't wanna be anywhere
near a window.

Same thing in a tornado.

And they can't even turn off
the stupid mainframe.

Some stupid battery thing
is in some stupid vault.

But they don't need to turn off the...
Darn it, I can fix this.

Oh, please, he couldn't fix dinner.

He doesn't need to, with a bank like...
Not a real bank.

Damn it.

Sorry. But I have no idea
how to open this thing.

Not really my legerdemain.

You mean bailiwick?
I don't know, whatever.

Look out.
What are...? No!


For the love of God, man.
You massive asshole.

Sorry, I thought that would work.

No, look at that thing.

It's like it's made
out of Wolverine's bones.

You know? Because the...

Does nobody read X-Men?

So, hey, how about I take a crack?

I bet I could kill that pesky old worm.

How? You gonna disappoint it to death?

Hey, you know what...?
Yes, I do.

Beat it, Cyril, let the grown-ups work.
But leave this, I'm starving.

No. Give me that.

Hey. Wait a damn minute.
I said I was hungry.


There. Now we don't have to reformat
all those stupid things.


Totally. Because how is the elevator
supposed to work...

...with a jillion pounds
of freaking computers on it?

Who am I, Elisha Otis?

Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Cyril, what is going on with you?

Nothing is going on.

Hi, you've reached George Spelvin.

Hated that phone. Ha-ha-ha.

Always dropping calls, you know?

Probably holding it wrong.

Just like Cyril Figgis always does
everything wrong, is that what you mean?

Well, for your information...

...Cyril Figgis knows
how to beat the worm.

Yeah, I bet.

The computer worm.

Krieger can't even beat it.
Krieger, whose virtual girlfriend is so real...

...the state of New York is allowing him
to legally marry her.

Oh, Krieger-san.

Soon we will be married, yes?
Very soon, my little cherry blossom.

Would you please...

- ...focus!
- No!

I'm here. No!


You maniac!

You blew her up! Oh, damn you!

God damn you all to hell!

So how is this going?
Not great.

The worm is decrypting the agent list.

Then, apparently,
it's gonna upload them to an off-site server.

Oh, my God.
Plus now I'm going to die alone.

And once the worm decrypts the cover list
and uploads it... whoever is behind this foul deed...

...every ISIS agent in the field
will be exposed.

And probably killed.

Am I on that list?

Archer, do something.
Who am I, Alan Turing?

Also from X-Men. Remember?

- Sterling.
- What?

Are we keeping you from something?

Well what? Cyril was just...

Right here. Like, one second ago.

So where are we? What's the plan?

I'm going to sell it.

The Russians, maybe the North Koreans.

Famine or no,
they've got a shitload of money.

But you can't do that.

One moment, darlings.

Of course I can.

Once my little worm uploads the list
to my server...

But it's not yours. You stole it.

Bought it, from you.

Well, okay, then sell it back to me.

You just said you could.
Won't, then. Whatever.

Take the money back.

Here's the... Almost fifty thousand.
Count it.

You'd still be about three zeros short.

Fifty million?
Seller's market.

But that's not fair. Ow!

It is exactly fair. You made a choice.

Just like every other choice
every other human being has ever made... has a consequence.

I just wanted to show them I could...

Or maybe your father,
who never thought you quite measured up.

He... Hey, how did you know that?
I don't know, it was just a guess, really.

Okay, what if I get you the 50 million?

One is inclined to ask how.
I happen to be a kick-ass accountant.

Did that sound a lot better in your head?
Yes, it did.

Damn, that's over half the cover list.

Krieger, we don't have much time.
Can you stop the worm or not?

Oh, I thought we were putting all our eggs
in the battery-shutdown basket.

It could take hours for this thing
to bypass the electronic lock.

Well, then I should get my turtleneck.

Archer. Hey, so, uh, you busy?

Yes. Or no, I don't know. Who's asking?

You, Cyril, are a ******* idiot.

Look, I just wanted to show everybody
I could perform under pressure.

And just for once, be the guy who... Ow!
Who what?

Betrays the agency?
And then begs me to save you?

No, not me, all those field agents.

How much did he pay you?
Fif... Forty thousand?

Fifty thousand.

But I already spent..., 3000 on new suits and shoes and...

Mine! Take the suits to my tailor
and the shoes to my shoemaker.

I... You have a shoemaker?

Do you not?

I am unbelievably angry right now.
That's good, you should channel that.

Onto Spelvin, whose fault this is.

Shut up and break it down.
You've been inside, what's the layout?

Well, let me see, it's pretty big...
What is the floor plan?

Where's the primary ingress? Orientation.
Are there windows?

Do they face west?
Can we use the sun to our advantage?

I'm pretty sure it has windows.

Give me the gun.
No. Why?

We're here, idiot.

Once in, give this to Spelvin.

It's full of counterfeit bearer bonds.

Where did you get counterfeit bonds?
Don't open it.

There's a canister of knockout gas
wired to the latch.

Duh. Okay, try not to screw...

Wait, it's just Spelvin up there, right?

There's probably two...

...incredibly sexy Asian women in bikinis.
Oh, I'm suddenly much less angry.

Well, you say that.

Damn it, the worm has got the list.

How long will it take
to upload it to the server?

I don't know, maybe five hours?
Good, then we've got some time.

Or minutes. Look, I'm a little busy.

Getting back in the old dating game.

Yep. Fifty million dollars
in real bearer bonds...

...which are real.

Well, like I said...
No. Literally, I don't believe you.

Just open it up and look.
At what, Cyril?

A big spritz of knockout gas?

Uh, apparently not.

Exactly. Because I don't even know
if that's a real thing.

Okay, Spelvin,
where's the ISIS cover list?

- Oh, it's just over there on the server.
- Where's the...?

Hello, kitties.

Listen, if you're not busy after,
we should grab a drink or... What?

Aah! Damn it, Cyril.
Remember to channel it.

You said they were sexy.
Ninjas are sexy.

I mean, I think so.


I don't wanna hurt you, ladies.

So how about
we all just put our swords down.

But you don't have a sword.

Can I?
Of course. Why not?

Keiko-chan, katana.

Yeah, but now she doesn't have a...

- You're just set on doing this, huh?
- Yes, we are.


That was a gift.
Shut up.

Oh, come on.

Sorry in advance for this.

Wait, wait, wait, stop. Stop.

Do you hear that?

That crunching noise?

Do you hear this?

No, no, no, hang on. Don't...

- Channel it, Archer.
- Cyril!

Oh, I think so.

Cyril, get the ******* gun.


You're bringing this on yourself.

Anytime now, Cyril.

Pity. Probably have to knock five percent
off my asking price for the list.

What? More than that, I bet.
Seller's market.

Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Stop.

Do you hear that?

No, you tit. The only thing I hear is...

Drop it, Spelvin.
Oh, Cyril.

I'm warning you.
Shoot him, Cyril. But just him.

I think the twins are warming up to me.

Right? Are you guys...?
Am I getting some signals?

Oh, shut up.
Make me.

Cyril, we both know you can't do it.

Ye... Yes, I can.

Oh, okay. Then go ahead, Cyril. Shoot.

Just him, though. Right?

- I...
- Don't have it in you?

Don't have it now,
didn't have it when you were a wheezy...

...four-eyed little kid,
trying to impress daddy.

How did you fail him? Was it sports?

I was all-conference lacrosse.

Pretty demanding sport,
pretty tough on the glutes.

This one knows what I'm talking about.
I see you checking them out.

No, not sports.
Look at you, shoulders like a trout.

- Spelvin.
- But what?

What was the failure that forever killed
the love in your father's heart?

Regional Spelling Bee.

Holy shit.

You suck at everything.
Oh, it's not his fault, he just...

You whinging little shit.
You just cost me $50 million.

But I'm gonna get my money's worth in...

Uh-uh. I've still got one bullet.

Oh, does he?
Who am I, Count Bulletsula?

Like Dracula? That was bad.
Come back to me, I can do better.

I will come back to you,
because even if you do have one left... can't shoot all three of us.

No. Just you.

All right, fair enough. Come on, girls.

Hey, call me
if you ever wanna get that drink.

Either of you, both, whatever.

Unless the sister thing is weird for you.
I'm, obviously, way into it.

All right, Archer, you win this round.

No shit, Spelvin.

Well, technically, I won it, but...

Wh...? Jeezy Petes, Archer.

Huh. Could've sworn you fired six.
Could've blown my foot off.

Which you deserve after what you did.

I'm sorry, okay? And I promise,
I'll never do anything like that again.

So, what?

So do you have to tell anybody?

Uhn! Depends. You learn anything?
Oh, God, yes. I did.

I swear. I learned a huge valuable lesson
that I will remember for the rest of my life.

Which you will spend never knowing
if I rat you out.

Yeah. So, what did you learn?

To never confide in you?
There you go.

See? As long as you learn something
from it, it's not a mistake.

Where...? Archer, where are you going?

Judging from the decor...

...I'm guessing Spelvin's got one
of those kick-ass Japanese soaking tubs.

After all that, you wanna take a bath?

Do you not?