Archer (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Pipeline Fever - full transcript

Lana and Archer head to the decreasing wetlands Southwest of New Orleans to protect an AmPetCo oil pipeline from ecoterrorist, Joshua. Back at ISIS, Malory schemes for socialist tax credits by going "lean and green." However, this idea may not float with Pam. What about Malory's ice and Krieger's clones? Malory may have a few things to rethink. Slogging the swamp, Archer confesses his top 3 fears and Lana meets an old friend. Will Archer find a ride home before he runs out of beer?

- Oh, man, is this great?
- No, Archer.

- Was that rhetorical?
- Archer.

- And also was that?
- Archer.

Yes. They both were,
because New Orleans is my kind of town...

...and I haven't had a vacation
in forever.

Well, that's great but...

The Crescent City, the Big...

Our mission is to stop an eco-terrorist...

...from blowing up the biggest natural
gas pipeline in North America... I wouldn't exactly call it a vacation.

Well, whatever. Working vacation.

Because I'm not too worried about some
drum-circling, hippie tree hugger.

Sir, can you find your seat for me?
Uh, yeah, it's right there.

Can you go find
some more hurricanes for me?


Hippies aren't the only
people who care.

Like, I happen to care. A lot.

And so does our target,
Joshua Gray, a.k.a. Gandalf.

His name's Gandalf?
And he's not a hippie?

Gray's an ex-Green Beret.
He's attacked power plants...

...hydroelectric dams, whaling ships...

Whaling ships? What,
he's against clean-burning lamp oil?

Would you relax? We know
he's gonna attack the pipeline...

...and we know where the pipeline is.

Running through a couple hundred
miles of marshy wetlands.

So mobility will be key, Lana.
And how will we achieve mobility?


An airboat.
An airboat, Lana.

Like Burt Reynolds in White Lightning.
Great, just...

Not to mention Gator.

Which, even though it's the sequel,
I think is the stronger of the two.

Just try to keep a low profile.

We could scare off Gray if we don't
maintain the element of surprise.

Hey, here's a surprise. Hermès.

And here's another one. Remember
Jerry Reed's character in Gator?

Bama McCall?

Well, whatever, check this out, I sto...

Borrowed it from Woodhouse.
Archer, what the shit?

Right? It's just like in Gator.

- Gun! Gun!
- Wha...?

Drop it! Drop it!
You drop it.

Lana, hijacking.
Damn it, it's not a hi...

Oh, great, there better be more of those.
Sky marshal, drop your weapon!

Oh, okay, relax.
It's okay, we're...

Da, da-da-da...
Sterling Archer and Lana Kane of ISIS...

...and we're on a mission
to stop an eco-terrorist...

...from blowing up a gas pipeline.

So for the love of God, woman,
go make me a fresh batch of hurricanes!

Great. Way to keep a low profile.

This is the AmPetCo gas pipeline.

Runs right underneath these swamps,
supplying almost 20 percent...

- ...of America's liquid natural gas demand.
- Right.

- But there's a pig launcher here.
- Is that what it sounds like?

It's a pipe inspection gauge
for cleaning the pipeline.

It's the only section above ground,
so if Gray wants to attack our pipeline...

- He'll have to do it there.
- Right.

So we'll set up a defensive perimeter at
the launcher and catch him when he tries.

Well, wait, hang on a second.

Can I get the oyster po' boy...

...and a side of crawfish étouffée?
I'm not sure I'm gonna like it.

Archer. Archer.
Just an entrée? Okay. Uh...

Okay, so, the po' boy, the... Hello?

Wow, speaking of disastrous...
Speaking of shut up.

Think about what will happen to those
wetlands if that pipeline explodes.

Screw the damn swamps, think of what'll
happen to AmPetCo's profit margin.

Big money.

Huge tax credits
from that hippie Democrat Congress...

...just for making a few simple
changes around here.

A lot of these
aren't so simple.

Replacing all the lights with
high-efficiency fluorescents...

...putting low-flow fixtures
on plumbing.

Recycling old batteries.
Exactly. Don't we do that already?


I don't even understand
why we have a car battery!

Pretty much.

Good. Because I'm not leaving money
on the table.

So to get these freebie socialist
tax credits...

...we are going to make
this place lean and green.

Typical corporate bullshit.

Thirty acres of wetlands
disappear every single day...

...but all you care about is
how much gas you pump out.

Hey, we're just supplying a demand.
Yeah, AmPetCo's demand for huge profits.

Well, some of those huge profits
are paying ISIS to protect that pipeline.

Which I'm only doing for the wetlands.
Wetlands, profits, whatever.

Yeah, sounds like a win-win.
Just get out there and do your job.

Yeah, I will.
If you will excuse me.

I should go with her.

I don't think room service
is coming.

Should have called first.

That's the only airboat around
for 50 miles, and it reserved.

What do you mean?
Is that not self-explanatory?

Look, this is kind of an emergency.
Can't we work something out?

If you use that money
to buy a time machine...

...go back and be the first person
to reserve that boat.

You sure about that?

That's good, because I've waited
my entire life to say this exact phrase.

I'm commandeering this airboat.

- Sorry.
- Whoo!

It really is an emergency.
Of an awesome and ass-kicky nature.

And some damn
guard dog you is.



Well, that's just great.

Now both my dogs is dead.

Stupid efficient Canadian light bulbs.
I can barely even see what I'm doing.

What are you doing?

I need six more of these.
Why do you need seven?

One for each cat, duh.

For God's sake, Pam.
Have you no sense of decency?

That bathroom's like
a war crime.

Don't blame me,
it's those new low-flow toilets.

With the old ones you could
flush a dachshund puppy.

I mean, not that you would, but...
Next time use the...

Women's restroom.


The what?
Thanks, Cyril.


Airboat! Oh, man!

Seriously, this must be what it's like
to have sex with me.

How can an airboat be selfish?
Nope, can't hear you. I'm too happy.

You can't hear me because
you're redlining the engine.

Oh, thank you,
certified airboat mechanic.

Now, where's this
pig launcher thing?

This heading, one mile.

I'm serious, Archer,
if you don't slow down...

I'll keep feeling this incredibly vibrant
and alive?

Yeah, until you blow the damn engine, so...

I'm not gonna blow the...

Yeah, try clearing your throat...

...about a jillion more times,
Lana, see if that helps.

No? Nothing?

No, no, by all means,
let me do this, Lana.

You just sit there like
the African Queen.

The African Queen was the boat.
No, it was Audrey...

Whichever Hepburn. She was the queen.

Of Africa.

The white queen of Africa.

Yeah, back then, Hollywood was pretty
weird about the whole race thing.

Like Amos and Andy were white,
a white guy played Charlie Chan.

Pretty sure Tonto was a Jew.



But I do really wish there was a gator.
Hey, come on, not even as a joke, Lana.

It so wasn't.
I said I was sorry.

Tell this wildlife you're sorry
when the pipeline blows...

...because we're not there to protect it.
A, all this wildlife can suck it.

Everything out here either
wants to eat me or give me malaria.

And B...

No thanks to you, Queen Audrey.

Would you just...?

Okay, let's set up
a defensive perimeter.

Right after I set up the grill.
Will you just...?

Hey, I just dragged this damn boat
through a mile of my three biggest fears... I think I've earned
a kebab.

Well, too bad.

Your lab uses more electricity
than the rest of ISIS put together.

Yes, and I need every single watt.

No, we all have to pitch in
to make ISIS green.

Look at me, chopping ice for
a Tom Collins like a field hand.

But I...
Ooh. Or do I want a mint julep?

The slightest reduction of power
could put lives at risk.

Lives of what, a few lab rats?

Also, yes.

Yeah, good, great idea. Do the one thing
that could possibly make it hotter.

You gotta sear them first,
it locks in the flavor.

And if you're hot, and also
somewhat bitchy, drink a beer.

I don't want a beer, Archer,
I want water.

Your funeral. God knows what kind of
parasites are swimming around in it.

Not swamp water, you ass. Bottled.

Oh, you are shitting me.
I know, right?

A rainbow should shoot out
every time you open it.

You didn't bring any water?
Where would I put it?

Great, I'll just wait half an hour
for a cup of ice to melt.

Don't. Don't...
Ow! Shit.

...touch it.
What the f****** shit is this?

No, no, no. Lana. It's dry ice.

Hurry, put your hands in the swamp.

How you doing, buddy?

Because dry ice is something crazy,
like, negative a hundred degrees.

I need you to not talk to me.
I know.

And I know you're in a lot of pain,
so just try to relax.

Why are you still talk...? Ow!

And say hi to Sister Morphine.

Morphine? Damn it, I don't need...


That actually feels way better.

Good, get up.
You're sitting on the beer.

All right, so wait a second.
What are your three biggest fears?

Come on.

No, hush, I'm trying to fish.
No, don't shoot the fish.

Come on, this is a very fragile ecosystem.
Too fragile to spare one trout?

No, but...
Or bass or whatever. What's in here?

Nothing soon, if people like you
keep destroying the environment.

What? It's one lousy fish.

One lousy black rhino,
one lousy Bengal tiger.

One lousy Lorax.

Since when are you
such a radical environmentalist?

I'm not radical. Well, I mean not anymore.

But back in the day...

Fur is murder!
Fur is murder! Fur is murder!

There's one. Get her. Go, go, go!

How's it feel to be a murderer?

Shall we find out?

Lady, you don't scare me.
Dear, this is a.44 Magnum.

You're really not scared, are you?

Then how would you like a job?

Three weeks later I was in Tunisia,
killing a different man.

Heh, heh, heh.
And how and why is that funny?

I forgot about that afro.
You know what?

You looked like Angela Davis
had a lovechild with "Sweet" Lou Dunbar.

Shut up.
You. I'm trying to catch us some dinner.

If you'd brought enough food...
I wouldn't have beer.

Since I can't catch beer...
Or a fish.

Yes, I can.
Burt Reynolds is my spirit guide.

Did you say "man crush"?
I'm pretty sure it was "shut up."

What are your three biggest fears?

Getting stuck on a boat with you
three times.

Oh, come on.
Oh, here we go.

Come here, fishy, fishy.

And while you eat humble pie with a side
of crow, Lana, I will be dining on trout.

What the hell is that?
What the hell does it look like, Lana?

Shoot it, Archer! Shoot it!

Oh, so now it's okay? What happened
to your fragile ecosystem?

Screw the damn ecosystem. Shoot!
You are such a hypocrite.

I bet you probably eat veal.

Did you see that? And hear that?
What is that? What is that sound?

Oh, you are shitting me.

How did you shoot
the boat?

Because I was bucking around
like a rodeo clown in a barrel.

Well, did you at least hit the gator?
I don't know.

I mean, maybe.
Great, so maybe he's wounded.

No, he's definitely wounded.

Oh, right, I forgot he has an arrow
sticking out of his head.

Yeah, I think that's what
enraged him.

And so now all 20 enraged feet of him
is swimming around out there.

In that inky black water.
Into which we are currently sinking.

Yeah, it's not ideal.

I mean, even if we had more shells.
You only brought two shells?

No, I brought shitloads, thank you.
Well, where are they?

In the gear bags.

With your guns.

And everything else.

Still got the cooler though,

Thank God for
small miracles, huh?



I said, thank God
for small miracles.

I heard you.
I know.

Yeah, why don't you have another one?
Well, somebody's got to.

Since you refuse to help...
You don't need help to get drunk.

Oh, please, it takes more than some 3.2...

Wow, six-percent beer.
- To get Sterling Archer drunk.

Six percent, really?
Yeah, so would you lay off?

There is a giant wounded
alligator out there...

...not to mention
a dangerous eco-terrorist.

Holy shit, totally forgot about him.
I didn't.

More reason for you to get
on board with my new plan.

Is it as idiotic as your other plan?
That's how brainstorming works, Lana.

It's free-form,
you come up with a lot of ideas.

Yeah, like using the pipeline
to set the entire swamp on fire.

Which, yes, bad idea, but it got me
thinking about chemical reactions.

Like alcohol's effect on the brain?
No, like the reaction between...

...solid carbon dioxide, also known
as dry ice, of which we have plenty...

...and a fun, sexy little molecule
I like to call dihydrogen monoxide.


Combine them in a sealed container
and you've got yourself...

Some kind of dry-ice bomb?
Ugh! Yes, ruiner of explanations.

I was building to that, but yes.
Well, we got plenty of water.

No, the swamp's too dirty, it's full of...

...whatever alligators shit out,
which I can only assume is people.

They don't eat people.
They eat people all the time.

They don't...
Sarasota County, Florida.

Chet Willard, age 16, swimming in
the Oak River Canal, killed by an 11 -footer.

Two years ago,
Chatham County, Georgia...

...Ruth Baker, age 39,
killed in her backyard by a 10-footer.

Same year, Pinellas County, Florida...

...Walter Jakes, age 70,
and his dog, killed by a 12-footer.

Three years ago, Dade County...


What are your three
biggest fears? Archer?

Alligators, by far the biggest.

And so you've memorized
every fatal alligator attack?

Just in the U.S., I can't find any
information on attacks in China.

They only live here and China.
Two different species.

Chinese alligators are smaller,
but their bellies are fully-armored... it kind of equals out.
Can we change the subject?

Okay, what's your second biggest fear?
God, will you just...?

It's crocodiles, okay.

Do crocodiles even live here?
Not "here" here, in the Everglades.

That's, like, a thousand miles away.
Three years ago, they caught a 9-foot croc... the surf at Myrtle Beach,
so, you know, shit happens.

Wow. Not sure I wanna know
what your third...

Brain aneurysm.

What does a brain aneurysm have to do
with walking around in a swamp?

Nothing. It can happen anywhere
at any time, that's why it's terrifying.

Oh, my God. Okay.

So if the gator-poop water is too dirty...
Yeah, we need distilled water.

Your plan include finding some?
Yes, but...

But what?
You're not gonna like it.

Do we have to distill our pee?

You can if you want,
but I was just gonna use this.

Wha...? There was bottled water
in there the whole time?

Yes. Sorry, I forgot.

You forgot. Thanks, idiot.

What? You still would've burned
your hands reaching in here.

I hope an alligator attacks you at the exact
moment you have a brain aneurysm.

How could you even say that? That's
like me saying I hope you get cancer.

What is wrong with you?
I obviously don't...

...but holy shit, Lana, I pour my heart out,
and you just throw it right back in my face?

Well, you should be.

That's... Wait, okay,
what's your biggest fear?

Come on, I told you mine.

I know. You lose.
I think your biggest fear is intimacy.

When what you should be afraid of
is falling in love with me again...

...because of my awesomeness.

Check this out.
How do you light it?

Pressure builds until it explodes.
How long does that take?

Depends how much water.
We're gonna need to dial it in.

You have no idea when that's gonna go off?
How could I?

Oh, shit.

Did it get you?

Me neither. Wow. Again, small...



How long was that?
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to time it.

It's okay, I forgot to measure it.

So we're both
gonna need to do better.

Every single one.

To hell with the tax credits.

I want every last one of those
low-flow toilets out.

Dump them on the street with
those ridiculous light bulbs.

Why do I have to carry the toilets?
You know why.

Because of the things
that come out of your body.

Oh, shut up, Mr. Bigmouth,
telling it we have a women's bathroom.

Where I better
never catch you again.

Okay, jeez,
hostile work environment.

- Yeah. So everything's back to normal.
- Is it?

I told you lives were at risk. Now
behold the horror you have wrought.

Pam, if you're dumping stuff
on the street, this can go.

What is it?
Shattered dreams.

Smells like rotten meat.
Also, yes.

Yeah, there we go.

I think we got this recipe figured out.
That was pretty great.

Duh. You shut up.
Shut up.

I'll get dry ice in the rest of the bottles,
you be ready with the water...

...and we'll wait for that big,
fat, stupid gator to come back.

Destroying his habitat isn't enough?

I would've been here sooner,
but you stole my boat.

Do you not understand
how reservations work?

Reserve this, Treebeard.
Oh, please, it's not even loaded.

Wha...? Thanks, Lana.

Shut up. Hi, Josh.
Hello, Lana.

You know each other?

Josh was my Environmental
Policy TA when I was in college.

And her lover.

Also, yes.
Wait, I thought he was a Green Beret.

I went to grad school
on the G.I. Bill.

That's when I realized
I had to lead the fight...

...against the systematic rape
of Mother Nature.

But back then you just organized
peaceful protests.

Like that day at the fur store.

Where you disappeared without a trace.
I guess I found my calling.

As a hired gun
for the military-industrial complex?

A traitor to the cause
of environmental protection?

Me? What about you?

Always running around, blowing shit up.
Threatening our supply of lamp oil.

Shut up. But, Josh, seriously, do you really
think the ends justify such violent means?

Yes, because this is a war.

And victory will only come when
Americans stop destroying the earth...

...just so they can drive bigger cars,
build bigger houses and eat bigger food.

So, like, never.

Oh, my God, that's depressing.

And I'm also sorry we can't
let you blow up this pipeline.

I wasn't going to.

I mean, I was, but I saw you with this idiot
yelling on the plane about working for ISIS.

So technically, I saved the pipeline.
Yeah, you're the best.

Whatever, I win.
Suck it, Samwise.

So you need a lift back to land?

Yeah, let me just grab my cooler and...
Not you, ass.

Lana, maybe we can grab dinner,
see some Dixieland jazz?

That sounds lovely.

Oh, come on, are you kidding me?

- You're really gonna leave me out here?
- Yup.

I like your new hairdo, by the way.

Well, if you like the collar,
you're gonna love the cuffs.

Well, that's just great.

She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid...

...and I get mosquitoes and no beer
and not laid. How could this get any...?

Let me finish.

- Worse.
Now... Okay, see? You ruined it.

You ruined the moment.