Archer (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - A Going Concern - full transcript

MALORY: Splendid. Yes.

And we'll work out all
the details when... hm?

Yes, it sounds amazing, it really
does, but...

We'll talk about it when
you get here.

Hm? Mm.

Something on your mind, dear?

ARCHER: Not anymore.

MALORY: What in the... a microchip?

Russian markings?
What on earth is this?

ARCHER: Krieger thinks it's some kind of
satellite-linked mind-control device.

MALORY: Mind control?
Why does he think that?



ARCHER: Because he removed it from my brain?
MALORY: What?!

ARCHER: I told Krieger about my headaches,
he gives me a cat-scan, then boom.

Next thing I know he shoots me full of
some kinda, I dunno, fish paralyzer...

MALORY: That crazy...
ARCHER: And then it was drill, baby, drill.

MALORY: Oh my God,
how do you feel?

ARCHER: Little pissed off, actually.

MALORY: Well that's understan...
ARCHER: Because it was obviously

put in my brain in the first place by
your boyfriend, Nikolai Jakov of the KGB!

MALORY: Sterling, first of all we're not
even together anymore...

ARCHER: I bet.
MALORY: And second of all!

Why would he put a mind-control
chip into your brain?

ARCHER: I assume because
he thinks he's my father!

MALORY: And what, you think he wanted to...
mind-control you into loving him?

ARCHER: You tell me!
That's your specialty!



MALORY: Get out.
ARCHER: No.

MALORY: Yes!

ARCHER: Mother, you've been
lying to me my entire life!

Just for once, I want you
to tell me the truth!

MALORY: Well, people in
hell want ice water.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm right
in the middle of a fairly huge deal.

ARCHER: Buying a lock factory?

MALORY: For your information,
I'm... no,

never mind,
you'll find out soon enough as it is.

ARCHER: Oh, that's classic you!

Avoid the truth, bury the secrets,
hide the...

- MALORY: Oh for the...I'm selling ISIS!
- ARCHER: You what?!

MALORY: There! Happy?

ARCHER: No.

ARCHER: Mother, tell
me this is a joke!

MALORY: The only joke
is my bank statement.

ARCHER: What?

MALORY: Everything I had was in a hedge
fund, but it turns out the whole thing

was nothing but a damn Ponzi scheme...

I lost all my money.
I'm ruined.

ARCHER: so you're selling ISIS?

CYRIL: She what?!

PAM: Aww, maaan...
That's totally not iree.

CHERYL/CAROL: Then why don't
you go back to Jamaica?

PAM: A, because I got deported, and B...
So can she actually sell ISIS?

Like, doesn't the government own it?

CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, I've
never been clear on that.

CYRIL: It's way too complicated to
explain, especially to you two,

but short answer yes,
she can sell ISIS.

The question is, who would buy it?

ARCHER: ODIN?!

CHERYL/CAROL Or whom...

MALORY: Yes, ODIN.

ARCHER: Why would ODIN want to buy...
Oh my God, is Len Trexler behind this?!

MALORY: He made me a
very attractive offer.

ARCHER: I bet!

That's because he wants to...
you know, that! With you!

But... wait a minute, does he know you're...
TREXLER: Gorgeous!

MALORY: Hello, Leonard!

TREXLER: Hello, beautiful!

Hey, kiddo.

ARCHER: Hey back and if you don't mind,
we're kind of in the middle of something?!

MALORY: Actually Sterling,
if you don't mind?

Len and I have a lot to talk about.

ARCHER: Like selling
ISIS out from under us?!

TREXLER: That, and the round-the-world
luxury cruise I'm taking with your mom.

ARCHER: The what?
TREXLER: Hopefully in the honeymoon suite!

ARCHER: The what?!

CYRIL: And then the unemployment
office, after ODIN lays us all off.

CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh!

That totally stinks!

PAM: Eh, you were on
borrowed time anyway.

CHERYL/CAROL: No, that!

What are you eating?!

PAM: Ackee and saltfish.

GILLETTE: Yeah thanks,
this is only mohair!

So, you really think ODIN's
gonna get rid of everybody?

BARRY: No. Not everybody...
In fact, ODIN plans to promote

a very select few ISIS personnel to
fill some of the impending vacancies.

LANA: Vacancies like...?

BARRY: Malory Archer's chair.

LANA: Wh-? Really?!

BARRY: Well figuratively, I mean I don't
know about the actual chair, but...

LANA: So I'd be like, like the...
BARRY: Regional director for the Americas.

LANA: Barry, that's my dream job!

BARRY: Yours for the taking.

If you are similarly mine.

For the taking.

LANA: Taking as in...
to get this job I'd have to have sex with you?

BARRY: Your words.

And also mine. Yes.

ARCHER: Hey! hey!

Do you idiots wanna
hear my plan or not?!

Okay, so... suggestions.

CYRIL: About... what?

ARCHER: What're we talking about?!

Stopping my mother from
selling ISIS to ODIN!

CHERYL/CAROL: You said you had a plan!

ARCHER: My plan, is to
crowdsource a plan!

My ear bells!

MALORY: Don't you people
have work to do?!

TREXLER: Not for long, huh?

Uh, can't wait to welcome each and
every one of you into the ODIN family!

And speaking of, kiddo, hope you're
gonna welcome me into your family.

ARCHER: My fam..., uh, uh, uhrrowrrmf!

MALORY: Ugh!

You people better not track
that onto the carpet!

It's filthy enough as it is.

C'mon, Len.

TREXLER: I'll follow you
anywhere, my sweet!

PAM: Holy shitsnacks...
CYRIL: Is Trexler buying ISIS

just to get your mother to marry him?!

ARCHER: No! Yes! Look, shut up.
PAM: That is some high-priced MILF.

ARCHER: Hey! Shut up!

And think of a way to make
Trexler not want my mother!

PAM: We could give her a MILFectomy.

ARCHER: If you say milf one more time,
I will shoot you in your eyeballs.

CYRIL: She does have a point,
though Not the... m-i-l-f part!

But if we could make Trexler fall out of love...
CHERYL/CAROL: How?: Trust me,

you can't control a person's heart.

KRIEGER: You can with a
little thing I like to call a

deep-cycle marine battery.

Or LSD.

CHERYL/CAROL: Is that what
you've been giving me?!

KRIEGER: Yes?

CYRIL: Well that explains a lot...
CHERYL/CAROL: I thought those

were breath strips!

KRIEGER: But anyway, whatever,
emotions like "love" don't

actually come from the heart, they
come from the... ARCHER: The brain!

KRIEGER: Yeah.

Or LSD.

ARCHER: Oh, come on...

Where is the trust?

ARCHER: What could be so secret she
wired it up with twelve pounds of C-4?

Ugh, I don't think I even wanna know...

GILLETTE: What.

ARCHER: Nice.

Here, take a look at this.

Okay, which one of these wires
GILLETTE: Blue and yellow.

ARCHER: Ya wanna look at it
for more than half a second?

GILLETTE: I wired the damn thing!
Ass!

ARCHER: Well I didn't know that!
Ass!

ARCHER: Okay...
GILLETTE: I lied, I didn't wire it.

ARCHER What?!

GILLETTE: Badumpbump.

ARCHER: You think that's funny?

GILLETTE: Not compared to that.

What is that?
Oh yeah.

ARCHER: No no no no no,
Ray what do I do?!

GILLETTE: Well if you don't shut if off...
ARCHER: She'll know somebody was in here!

GILLETTE: So you could wait
for the batteries to die...

ARCHER: Okay, yeah that's...
GILLETTE: But sounds like

there's about four big ol'
D-cells in it.

ARCHER Aww, maaan...
ARCHER: Yeah, it's... it's pretty big.

GILLETTE: Is it black?

ARCHER Wh-? No, it's...
GILLETTE: Slightly darker black?

ARCHER No!
It's not any kind of black!

GILLETTE: Racist.
ARCHER: Shut up!

It's more of a...
Aubergine?

I guess you'd call that?

GILLETTE: Oh. Still pretty hot.

ARCHER: Will you shut up?

GILLETTE: Take a picture.
ARCHER: Shut up!

Okay, I'm going in.
Aww man, can't believe I'm doing this...

GILLETTE: Try to think
about something else.

Like how there's no sink in there.

ARCHER: So what if
there's no... Oh my God!

GILLETTE: Yeah.

ARCHER: There's no sink!

ARCHER: Ugh... there's not enough liquor
and therapy in the world to undo that.

I touched my mother's dildo.

GILLETTE: You shoulda borrowed these.

They're like super heavy du... aagh!

LANA: Hey!

What the hell're you doing?

ARCHER: What're you doing?!

Making robot birds?

Lana we're in crisis mode, Mother's
trying to sell us to ODIN!

LANA: I know.

So how about don't break any
more stuff in my new office?

ARCHER: Your new... oh my God,
ODIN's making you the new boss?

LANA: Yup. I mean, I kinda maybe have to
sleep with Barry, but... ARCHER Wh-?!

Lana, how can you do that?!

LANA: By getting drunk and knowing it's
the same thing your mother's doing?

And I know that it's killing you
that she's leaving you for another man,

and you better not mess it up for me.

ARCHER: Speaking of mess, you traitor,
your stupid birdbot is leaking.

LANA: My what?

Aw, shit!

ARCHER: Probably hydraulic fluid.

LANA: It's sweet-and-sour, dumbass!

ARCHER: Yeah who's the
dumbass now, Lana?

BARRY: Or whom...
ARCHER: Barry.

How's your shattered femur?

BARRY: How's your... creepily childlike
feeling of maternal abandonment?

ARCHER: The sale isn't
final yet, Barry.

BARRY: No, but it will be.

And we're here to make sure of it.

So don't try to do anything stupid.

ARCHER: I don't have to try.

Shit, whatever, move.

BARRY: Barry, is that
how you get ants?

Yes it is, Other Barry, yes it is.

KRIEGER: Okay, the satellite link is online...
So let's play God.

ARCHER: Freaky... KRIEGER: I'll tell
what's freaky, is guess what I had already

named this bunny.

ARCHER: Rabbert Klein.

KRIEGER: Wow, that's...
actually better.

ARCHER: All yours.

So can you put it in a person's brain?

KRIEGER: He'd suffocate.

ARCHER: Not the rabbit, idiot!

The chip!

KRIEGER: Oh! Yes, absolutely!

ARCHER: Without killing the person?

KRIEGER: Oh. Yeah, maybe.

TREXLER: Ahhhh...
doesn't that feel good?

MALORY: Feels better than this offer.

Len, I need at least
twenty percent down.

TREXLER: Aww c'mon, it's not
like you need the money.

You're already loaded.

MALORY: What if...
I weren't?

TREXLER: Then you'd know
I loved you for you.

MALORY: You really do, don't you?

TREXLER: And always have.

MALORY: What about all those years you
spent shacked up with what's-her-face,

the crazy one?

TREXLER: Anastasia...
MALORY: No, the tall brunette.

Crazy-crazy.

TREXLER: Yeah, Anastasia.

She killed herself.

MALORY: Oh. Right, sorry.

BARRY: Yeah, that's
how you like it, huh?

All down in your nooks and crannies...
LANA: So hey, hate to interrupt

your conversation...
BARRY: It wasn't a conversation Lana,

I was just talking to
my gun, not with it.

Pretty big difference.

LANA: Huge, yeah, so, are they in there
signing the sale contract, or...?

BARRY: As we speak.
LANA: Yessss!

Cause I've got tons of ideas to run this
place more efficiently once I'm ODIN's

regional director.

Already jotted a bunch down.

BARRY: Hey, that's great.

Hope you bring that same kind of enthusiasm
and self-starterishness to having

sex with me.

LANA: Oh.

So us hooking up is still, um...
BARRY: A perquisite for the job, yeah.

Or is... do I mean prerequisite?

Either way, Barry's pretty stoked.

ARCHER: Okay, so that's Barry and Lana...
Pam, you're the amorphous

rasta-blob...
PAM: Big ups.

ARCHER: Those are the ODIN guys,
Ray you're the little pink sailor,

and... Why do you have so
many damn dolls in here?

PAM: For sexual
harrassment complaints.

So people can non-verbally indicate
where stuff happened on their body.

ARCHER: Yeah that
takes like, one doll.

PAM: Not if there's ever a gang rape.

ARCHER: Cyril, better pill up.

You're assisting Krieger
with the surgery.

CYRIL: Wh-? ! Why me?!
ARCHER: You're good at math.

CYRIL: How is that supposed to help?!

ARCHER: Can't hurt.

Ray you lure Lana into the
mainframe, Carol you lure Barry...

GILLETTE: I wanna lure Barry!

ARCHER: Wrong bait Ray, he's straight.

GILLETTE: How do you know?

ARCHER: How do I... he was engaged!

GILLETTE: I was married!

For two years.

I mean, she was a lesbian, but still...
we met in a "Pray Away the Gay" bible group.

That was a pretty weird time for me.

ARCHER: Just get Lana
in the mainframe!

I'll take care of Trexler, and Pam?

You're job is to neutralize
the ODIN agents.

PAM: How the shit am I
s'posed to do that?!

ARCHER: With Krieger's
magic breath strips.

KRIEGER: But do not touch them.

Lysergic acid is absorbed
right through the skin.

Even the tip of your fing... uh-oh.

ARCHER: Oh for [BEEP]'s sake, Krieger!

You're about to do brain surgery!

KRIEGER: Yeah, so...
sooner's gonna be better than later.

ARCHER: Dammit, how
much time do we have?!

CHERYL/CAROL: For me, usually
about twenty minutes.

ARCHER: Usually?!
CHERYL/CAROL: Less if I take two.

CYRIL: Man, you have got a problem.

CHERYL/CAROL: Oh right,
like you're one to talk.

PAM: Yeah, Pillbo Baggins.

CYRIL These are from a doctor!
CHERYL/CAROL: So?!

Krieger's a doctor!

CYRIL: Not a medical doctor!

KRIEGER: Not even the other kind.
Technically.

ARCHER: I gotta tell ya guys...

Um, not feeling super-confident
bout this plan.

PAM: Racist.

CHERYL/CAROL: I guess you
must be the infamous "Barry"

everyone's talking about.

BARRY: Yeah, go away?

CHERYL/CAROL: (giggling)

- Infamously few of words I guess!
- Go away.

Um, so Lana said to give you this?

BARRY: Pretty succinct.

CHERYL/CAROL: Guess you
guys have lots in common!

Like, I bet your genitals are the
same distance from the ground.

BARRY: Look alive, gang.

I think Archer's gonna try
to torpedo this deal,

so until the contract is signed, don't
let Archer anywhere near that office.

What're you... don't do that,
You asshole.

We're buying this place.

Carpet's shitty enough as it is...
PAM: I'll tell ya what's shitty,

is somebody's breath around here.

Whoa! Here, take three or four of 'em.

Probably won't kill you guys, either.

Cause somebody smells like they ate
the ass end out of a northbound cow.

LANA: Well?

What do you think?

GILLETTE: I think I'm
gonna miss you so much!

LANA: Aww honey, you're
not going anywhere.

Not when I'm the regional director.

GILLETTE: But are you
sure you'll get the job?

LANA: Totally, yes!
I mean, I do kinda have to sleep with Barry,

GILLETTE: Oh right, he
said tell you he's in the

mainframe and it's now or never.

LANA: Really?
GILLETTE: Used those exact words.

LANA: Uck.
It all feels so... dirty.

GILLETTE: Yeah, the
carpet in there's gross.

LANA: No, trading sex for this job.

I mean it's the chance of a lifetime, but...
GILLETTE: Honey, look at me.

We all gotta do what we all gotta do.

LANA: You wouldn't hate me for it?

GILLETTE: Oh, God no.

But just do reverse cowgirl, because
that carpet's seriously heinous.

ARCHER: Wow!

So guess that worked, huh?

PAM: Pamela cool runnins, mon.

ARCHER God, would you
give it a rest, um uh...

Damn, I had something for this.

PAM: Blob Marley.

MALORY: Alright, there's my signature.

And once you countersign...
TREXLER: We can set sail for romance!

Mazatlan, Maui, maybe even a small
wedding on the beach in Tahiti?

ARCHER: Yeah, about that...
Can I borrow Len for a second?

MALORY: Why?

ARCHER: To... give him my blessing
in asking for your hand in marriage?

MALORY: Well that's just weird.

TREXLER: No, it's beautiful!

Well maybe not traditional,
but it's a damn classy move!

After you, kiddo!

LANA: Barry?
BARRY: In here!

Just doing some deep knee bends.

Nude.
Wanted to stay loose.

LANA: Yeah, so listen, about the job, and this...
I don't think I can do it.

BARRY: Then why'd you
send me that note?

LANA: What note? What the... ?!

Hey! Hey! Open this damn door!

GILLETTE: Sorry, honey!
Please don't hate me!

Just doing what I gotta do...

TREXLER: I sorta pictured more

of a lounge, Morris chairs,
that kinda stuff...

ARCHER Yeah. So listen, about you and Mother...
TREXLER: We're in love, kiddo.

ARCHER: Well, maybe you're in love.

She's just in need.

TREXLER: Of what?
ARCHER: Of money!

She's broke, Trexler, she lost
everything in a Ponzi scheme.

TREXLER: So what're you saying, she's...
ARCHER: Using you!

You dumb idiot!

TREXLER: Doesn't matter.
I'm crazy about her!

And if I can be there for her when she
really needs me, then all the better!

ARCHER: I was afraid you'd say that.

TREXLER: Why? Ow! Why...

...are you doing that?!

CYRIL: Hello...
TREXLER: What is that?!

CYRIL: Fish paralyzer?

TREXLER: Okay.

ARCHER: Okay, he's out.
How's Krieger doing?

CYRIL: Not, um, great.

KRIEGER: Yes he is, let's do this!

BARRY: So, are we gonna do this or...?
LANA: No, we're not.

For a big list of reasons, at
the top of which is Archer.

BARRY: You're not still into that guy?

LANA: No! But he's out there, somewhere
and somehow, dashing all my hopes.

BARRY: Look this sale
is gonna happen.

So what we should do is
spread our clothes around,

so our naked bodies don't
touch this carpet.

MALORY: Oh, for the... sweet-and-sour?

Might as well start an ant farm.

And what's taking those two so long?

ARCHER: Wow.
So that didn't take long, huh?

TREXLER: I dunno...
ARCHER: That was rhetorical.

Okay, Krieger!

KRIEGER: Yes!
ARCHER: What are you doing?

ARCHER: What's next?!
KRIEGER: Uh uh uh...Okay, cue visual!

CYRIL: Roger! Cueing visual!

TREXLER: Awww!
There's my lovely lady love!

KRIEGER: Okay now, uh... wow, that feels good...
ARCHER: Krieger!

KRIEGER: Oh!
Commence the Modified Ludovico!

CYRIL: Commencing the
Modified Ludovico!

TREXLER: Aaghh!
No no no, I don't like this!

Who is that... horrible woman?!

ARCHER: That's Malory Archer.
You love her.

TREXLER: Oh no. Oh no no no no.
Ick!

ARCHER: Krieger?!
KRIEGER: Uh, uh...commence satellite link!

Commencing satellite link!

ARCHER: So, you wouldn't
want to marry her?

TREXLER: No, eww! No, please!
Make it stop!

CYRIL: Uh, uh, what do I do, what do I...
KRIEGER: Just hit tab!

CYRIL: Oh.

KREIGER: Idiot.
ARCHER: Okay, it's over.

And you're sure you don't
want to marry that woman.

TREXLER: Oh God, no!

No, ya know what I want?

ARCHER: Tell me.
TREXLER: Some of that lettuce.

ARCHER: Um... okay.
TREXLER: Or actually all of it?

And the bunny attached to it, he's attached
right, can I have the bunny and the lettuce?

ARCHER: Uh, can we
give Lenny the rabbit?

TREXLER: And the lettuce!

ARCHER: Sure thing. Go to town.

TREXLER: Yeah...
cause they're brothers.

ARCHER: Is he always going to be
like this, cause now I feel bad.

MALORY: Sterling? Len?

Either and or both?

Where the hell are you? ! Len!!

BARRY: Yeah, do you know where he is?

MALORY: Yes, I'm just screaming his name
down the hall to celebrate that fact.

BARRY: That some kinda joke?
MALORY: Is that?

BARRY: It's cold in here.

TREXLER: Because she's here!

The big bad lady is
here and she is cooold!

MALORY: Len, what's going on?!

TREXLER: You're mean and I don't
like you and I don't want ISIS

or you and all I want is this
lettuce and his brother...

ARCHER: Rabbert Klein...
TREXLER: Rabbert Klein, so Barry, you ass,

for the love of all that's green take
me and Rabbert to the lettuce store!

MALORY: Sterling Malory Archer...
ARCHER: Yes, Mother... I'm here for you.

GILLETTE: You did the
right thing, honey.

LANA And all it cost
me was my dream job.

And a broken hand.

Which kills...
Pam: Here.

LANA: I'm good.
PAM: Racist.

ARCHER: Buy you a cup of coffee?

Ya know, since you're broke?

MALORY: You meddling ass.

Sterling, I know what you did to Trexler.
ARCHER: I didn't do anyth...

MALORY: Yes you did!

Because certain "items" in my desk...

ARCHER: Bop bop bop bop bop!
I can't hear you.

- were not where I put them!
- Bop bop bop bop bop!

MALORY: And we never need to speak of
that sickening invasion of privacy again.

ARCHER: Yeah, and the...
neverer the better.

MALORY: But since I can only assume that
Russian mind-control chip is rattling

around in Len Trexler's bald head...
ARCHER: Not rattling,

Krieger stapled it...
MALORY: I had to go Plan B,

and lease out three floors
in the building...

And also sell the cleaners.

ARCHER: You sold the cleaners?
To who?

POPEYE: Or whom...
ARCHER: Wh-? ! Popeye?!

POPEYE: Mmm-hm.

MALORY: And he paid upfront, in cash!

ARCHER: Yeah not surprising, considering
the fact he's a loan-sharking pimp!

POPEYE: Former loan-sharking pimp.

I'm going legitimate.

ARCHER: What do you know
about dry cleaning?!

POPEYE: I know you still
owe me three grand.

ARCHER: Yeah and I told you...
POPEYE: And I also know I got

five of your hand-tailored
suits in the back.

ARCHER: Wh-?
You're holding my suits hostage?!

POPEYE: Collateral.

Now get the [BEEP]
outta my cleaners.

MALORY: I think it's a good fit.

See you tomorrow Popeye!

POPEYE: Mm-hm.

What do I know about dry cleaning...
I know I'm switching from perc to D5.

Goin green up in here.