Archer (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - Jeu Monegasque - full transcript

Archer, Malory, Lana, and Ray travel to Monaco during Gran Prix week to make an expensive trade for a secret disk. Archer is given to hold the $4 million in untraceable bearer bonds, but Lana and Ray aren't sure he can be trusted with them. Meanwhile, back at ISIS headquarters, Cyril finds out that Malory took all the money from everyone's 401Ks to pay for the trade. Everyone back at ISIS decides to find a way to get their money back, no matter how unethical.

They're wheel-
to-wheel coming out of the last chicane...

...the Frenchman DeVoe
making a run at Bivens for second.

But they won't be able to catch Bell
as he takes the flag and...

Oh, it's a great start
to the qualifying heats... at the Monaco Grand Prix.

I beg your pardon?

Your room, madame, is no longer.

But I had a reservation.

I don't care
if it's a Wehrmacht reunion party.

This isn't my first Grand Prix, you know.

Lana Kane?


So where are we supposed to sleep?

- Voilà.
- No.

I am not sharing a room with you.

No, I'm sharing it with you,
and it's the last one in the hotel.

No view, but it's got two queens.

Where's the other?
Greasing up in the bathroom?

You know what?

Hey, look, Ray, this is fine.
Two of us will just have to double up.

Exactly, two of you.

Ha. Excuse me?
I am not sharing a bed.

It's bad enough Lachouffe
made us schlep all the way to Monaco...

...for whatever's on that damn disk.

Which had better be worth
this splitting headache.

Yeah, help yourself.
Go ahead, drink it up.

Well, it sure better be
worth 4 million bucks.

Which is where?

Oh, Sterling has it.

You turned Archer loose in a casino
with $4 million?

Oh, don't worry.

He may be a vain, selfish, lying,
and quite possibly alcoholic man-whore...

...but gambling
is one vice Sterling doesn't have.

Uh, guess he's too busy
doing all that other awesome stuff.

- Thanks, Mother.
- Oh, shu... Aah!

Why isn't there a metal briefcase
full of bearer bonds...

...handcuffed to your drinking arm?

Uh, you just answered
your own question.

Sterling, if you left that briefcase
in some cathouse, I swear to God...

Relax. The money's totally safe,
on deposit with the casino.

That way they comp everything.

I call it the Sterling Archer
Triple-A Power Play.

And yes, the A stands for "awesome."

- Did you get a receipt?
- Of... Of course I did.

Obviously, I did that.

Now if you will excusez-moi...

Ah, Monsieur Archer.

If you will please to follow me
to le suite royale...

...where I took a liberty
to have a woman waiting in your Jacuzzi.

Yes, I will.

Good work there, uh...

Uh, Benoit.

Sorry. Ha!

Sorry, sorry.
I was laughing at your name.

I mean, because you know
what it sounds like, right?

Sounds like "Ben Wa balls," Benoit.
"Balls." See?

I can't even say it without saying "balls."
Say your name.


See? Physically impossible.
Does monsieur require anything else?

Yes, I do, Benoit balls.

Monsieur desires more champagne,
steak frites...

...a post-Jacuzzi female companion,
and for somebody to get up here...

...and fold his towels into swans.

Not these towels, some thicker ones.

As thick as possible,
while still being swan-shape foldable.

And, uh, when will monsieur desire
to try his luck at the tables?

Wow, what is French
for "broken record"?

Pardon, monsieur, but as I said,
the suite royale is reserved for...

Sterling Malory Archer.
And there goes my erection.

Hi, Mother.
We're switching rooms.

I want my luggage up here
in three minutes.

My bellhops have been taken prisoner
by the Wehrmacht.

Wait, what?
Now you just listen to me, bub...

Madame, the only way you will have
this suite is over my lifeless corpse.

Perhaps that will teach you
to insult the proud nation of Monaco.

Now, if you will excuse moi, I must go
and find fresh towels and a whore.

Hey, Benoit,
not too thick on either, okay?

Yeah, except for my gun's all soapy.

Pretty dumb taking a bath with it.
Sterling, I'm warning you.

If one red cent of that money
is missing...

...when we make the exchange
with Lachouffe...

It won't be. Everything's comped.
Because they expect you to gamble.

Which I'm not going to do. Duh?

Mother, I've done this tons of times.
Wha...? With ISIS money?


But 4 million seems pretty steep for...

What's on that disk, anyway?
None of your beeswax.

And the price is irrelevant,
because you're going to steal it back...

...after the exchange.


And you have to steal it back
because I, um, slightly borrowed it.

Um, slightly from where?

Huh? What in the world?

Oh, no, no.

No, no, no.


Also irrelevant, because you're not going
to screw this up, are you?

No. No, I'm not, Mother.

You better not.
Oh, my God.

Oh, man.

Ha, ha, oh, that was fun. Thank you.

Seriously, not many women could bring me
to orgasm in front of my mother.

I wouldn't think.

Four million dollars gone.
Every single account has been wiped out.

All except Miss Archer's.

And how does she have
2.3 million damn dollars in her 401?

Is that a lot?
Maybe not to you, Glenda Gotrocks.

Stop calling me that.
Stop being a fricking jillionaire.

Make me.
Zip it, you two.

Now, we've obviously been the victims
of identity thieves.

Which is funny why?

You think it's just a coincidence Mr. Archer
took $4 million to Monte Carlo?

He took what where?

In bearer bonds, whatever those are.

Shit-snacking crackers.
Oh, that thieving bastard.

He's gambling away
our retirement money.

Lady luck, monsieur.

She awaits your passionate embrace.

I'm kind of passionate-embraced out
right now after the tub-snorkeling.

Oui, in the Jacuzzi of your free suite,
in which monsieur desires to remain.

Uh, yes, yes, he does.

Bon. Then I wish you bonne chance.
Oh, shoot. I can't. I don't have any...

...chips. Thanks, Radar.

Uh, okay.

Monsieur, the minimum c'est deux.

The minimum is two? Okay, here.

Thanks, Benoit balls. I don't actually...

What happened?

What is "bonk"? Does that mean I...?

Lose? Hang on. That was...

Wait, how much are these chips worth?

Twenty-five grand? Apiece?
Bonne chance.

Hey, hey, hang on. Benoit balls. I...

So I need to get that money back.

Shit. Or whatever, merde.

Okay, what does that mean? Do I...?
Win? Really? Just like that, 50 grand?

All right, let's do that again.

Oh, my God, this is like taking candy
from a candy-hating baby.

Uh, speaking of candy,
I'm gonna be here a while... bring me a fifth of Glengoolie Black
and a bag of gummi bears.

Do you want anything?

Gummi bears all around.

I'll eat hers
if she doesn't, uh, have teeth.

Okay. Let's play some goddamn cards.

- Yes.
- Banque.

No, no, no!

Goddamn it, woman,
wipe that grin off your pie face.

He's killing me.

I'm gonna kill you.

Ray, stop it. I can feel a hot streak
coming on. Just give me a...

Here, take this.
No, thanks. I'm not thirs... Ow!

How much?
Uh, well, it's hard to say, really.

Maybe 800,000?

You lost 800 grand?

Oh, no, no, remaining.

Here, hold these?
Ray, I said I'm not thirsty.


Three-point-two million dollars?
I've been really streaky, Ray.

I was up for a while, then down,
then up for a really long time, but then...

You've only been here 20 minutes.
Wow. Seemed way longer than that.

And I thought you didn't gamble.
I don't.

I mean, not since...

I had a really bad experience one time.

- Um, hit me?
- Busted.

And now all the candy is Mother's...

...because crybaby hit on 17 again.

Like an idiot.

Why was I dressed as Hitler?

Why do you do anything you do?

Archer, when your mother finds out...
No, Ray, you cannot tell her.

Or Lana. They'll think less of me.

And I won't?
I don't care what you think.

I'm telling your mother.
Telling her what?

Your son...
Shh, shh, shh. No, no.

Come on.


Is drunk.

Who are you, Carrie Nation?

But, my God, Sterling,
look at your clothes.

Just how drunk are you?

Oh, for the...
We're meeting Lachouffe in two hours.

I'll clean him up,
try to get some coffee in him.

Make sure that's all you put in him.
Sorry, what?

Keep it in your pants, sister.

Yeah, yuk it up.

Wow, all these years, I've never
seen Archer, like, "drunk" drunk.

Have you?

Can't play cards, can't drink.
Unh, unh, unh.

I don't feel good.
What the hell good are you?

Unh. Oh, God.

Why was he dressed as Hitler?

Uh, ahem.
Anyhoo... Ooh, I think I see a duke.

- Ugh. What?
- Nice.

Glad you can still be snotty
while Archer's gambling away your 401.

My what?
Tell her I said hey.

Shut up. And ours too.

But Archer wasn't gambling.

- He was just drunk. Aah.
- Lana, did you hear me?

I thought you spoke French.

- Oh, shit!
- Lana.

Cyril, tell...

Idiot. Stupid, stupid, stupid idiot.

Look, I said I was sorry.
No, you didn't.

Well, whatever.
I have a plan to get the money back.

Which doesn't include you
taking my toiletries.

You're not using them.
I am.

Look at your pores,
then tell me you're using them.

Then tell me your genius plan.
Rob the casino.

Thanks for the lotion.
Ray, we can do this.

Come on,
I've broken into way tougher places, right?

Not without my turtleneck, but still...

Do you even know
where the bearer bonds are?

Well, no, not exactly, but...

What does it say on the receipt?

Oh, that you didn't get, did you?

Do you know
why they're called bearer bonds?

Because you're gay?
They're unregistered and untraceable.

And the legal owner of a bearer bond... whatever asshole
physically holds the piece of paper.

I don't know why you're so pissed off.
Technically, that money was mine.

- Wh...? Ugh.
- And mine.

Your money?
And yours, and dickbrain's here.

And Cyril's, and Pam's. Everybody's.

Because your mother's cleaned out
all the ISIS 401 accounts.

- What?
- I have a 401?

Not anymore.

I had almost 200 grand in there, you...
Oh, okay, that is it.

Down. Ray, put it down, or I swear...

Archer, I will put you down.
Well, how am I the bad guy?

Mother's the one
who stole our retirement money.

All I did was foolishly lose it.

He does have a point.

But why would she pay 4 million bucks
for unverified information?

Well, either she's getting Alzheimer's...

...or she thinks it's another sex tape.

Actually, that would not surprise me.

Well, whatever's on the disk, Lachouffe
expects $4 million in bearer bonds...

...and we only have 1 million.

Um, or 800,000.

For which there is no receipt.

Look, Lana, I feel bad enough as it is.

Unh, you couldn't feel bad enough.
Shut up, so here's what we're gonna do.

We have to keep Malory occupied
while we meet Lachouffe.

She's in the bar, hitting on a duke.

I bet you get chilly at night,
all alone in that great big castle.


But judging from the way Sir Duke
was eye-banging the waiters...

...I don't think she's gonna have luck.

- Ray, that's where you come in.
- Ew.

- Yeah, he's like 1000.
- You're not gonna have sex with him.

- Well, wait, he is a duke.
- No means no.

Because you will be making
the exchange with Lachouffe.

- But wait, he's expecting Mother.
- Yup.


When Lachouffe realizes
we don't have $4 million in bearer bonds...

...we'll take out his bodyguards.

What the hell does she keep in here,

Then, having retrieved
your mother's disgusting sex tape...

Uh, allegedly disgusting.
Although, probably disgusting.

- We figure out a way
to get our 401 money back.

Yeah, hi, duh, we just steal
the bearer bonds from the casino.

If they're even in the casino.
Well, where else would they be, Ray?

Taxi. Taxi!

Oh, shit.

Well, you better hope they're in the vault.
Ray, hurry up, get changed.

I'm good.

It's the second
qualifying round in the Monaco Grand Prix...

...and, oh, they're really burning up
the streets of Monte Carlo.

Oh, it's just great.

This is not at all great.

Why not? They're already tied up,
and we don't even have any rope, so...

And you can have these control tops.

No wonder your mother's such a bitch.

Can you not rub your dick
in my mother's pantyhose? Please.

What? Lana, look at him.

Why would somebody tie up the guards?
Duh. So they could rob the...

Oh, shit.

- Benoit.
- Balls.

How the hell would he know?

Oh, right. Desolée.

Well, he couldn't have gone far
in 10 minutes. It's a zoo out there.

- There's a zoo here?
- Wow, okay.

The Grand Prix.
They could have both, Lana.

Zoo? Ici?
Go, dumbass.

If we don't get my 401 back, you won't
live long enough to regret you were born.

That doesn't even make sen... Ow.

Now, is that bulletproof or what?

Yeah. Yo, I didn't even feel that.

This shit's pretty tight, man.
Oh, I can let it out.

And I can let all this stuff go
for $41,688.

And I'll even throw in the Chokebot.

Krieger, what the hell are you doing?

I'm selling ISIS equipment until I get
every damn cent of my 401 back.

Oh, so, uh, hey, how would you guys like
a color copier...

...and about, say, 80 computers
for your clubhouse?

And some blowjobs.

I mean, printers.

Oh, damn it,
we're never gonna find Benoit.

Balls. And we might if you two
would stop being bitches for five seconds.

Case in point, Lana. That's...


Hand over the bag, Benoit.

Damn it, that's my line.
Au revoir, suckers!


No, the moment's ruined.
We're ruined.

How are we supposed to catch him now?

Wow, this might be hard to drive
with such a huge, throbbing erection.

- Fast racecar!

Well, Dennis,
it's a strange turn of events here... the Grand Prix,
because look here now.

Who could believe it?
A woman driving in a Formula One race.

And a Negress at that.

No, you don't see that every day.

Or that.

He's headed for the coast road.

Hey, thanks, Captain Obvious.

Is it obvious he has a gun?

Well, yeah, now.

Ha, ha. How do you like those pommes?

How do you like them?

What the hell are you doing?

Shooting his tires so he loses control
and flies off the cliff.

With the bearer bonds?

Yes, Lana, with the...

Oh, damn it.

Benoit! Balls.

That was actually pretty ballsy.

And I never got my swan-shaped towels.

I can't see, you fool! Get off!

I am getting off. I love this.

Not now, Lana.

Yes, now.
Damn it, Lana, I said not...

Oh, shit!

Nice plan, Lana.


Oh, rocket launcher.

Y'all! Y'all, my car is slowing down
for some unknown reason.

Just must be out of carburetor.

Archer, look out.

Yeah, an attack helicopter
and a rocket launcher, Lana.

I think I see it.
Not that.

I see it, Lana.

There's this new thing
called situational awareness.

Great. Tell that to Benoit.



The money. Where's the money?

It's right here, Ray.

Uh, and I'm fine, since you asked.

Yeah, I didn't.
Hey, you know what...?

So guess that's it
for Lachouffe and Benoit.

Balls. Nailed it.

And speaking of,
you are so lucky this worked out.

Well, you know what they say, Lana,
unlucky at cards...

...lucky at a whole shitload
of all kinds of other stuff.

Yep, you're the best.
Thank you.

Why are you drinking again?
We're meeting Lachouffe in 10 minutes.

Already did.
You...? Oh.

And I just assume
I don't wanna know what's on that.

Don't worry, nosey parker, you won't...

...but it's a lot more interesting
than my afternoon.

You'd think that duke
had never been with a woman before.

Would vomit, too tired.
Oh, shut up.

And every dime of that 4 million
better be in that bag.

It is, and while we're on the subject...

Thanks for stealing our 401 money.

First of all, if that's my Chanel suit,
I will have your guts for garters.

You need some garters.

And second of all, I didn't steal that money,
I merely borrowed it.

Well, just for the record...

...I think using our 401 s
as your personal ATM machine...

...was incredibly lame.

And just for the record, I don't care.

That being said,
we better hurry up and redeposit this.

No telling what those idiots might do...

...if they find out
their measly 401 s are missing.

Been a real pleasure
doing business with y'all.

Especially you, Pam.

Uh-huh. All right, peace out.

So wait, they're gonna fence all that stuff
and then pay us for it?

Oh, damn it.
Way to go, stupid.

Me? Hey, I'm not the one who was
handing out blowjobs like puffy stickers.

Oh, shit.

Plus, I gave them all my stickers.