Archer (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - El Secuestro - full transcript

They're wheel-to-wheel
coming out of the last chicane,

the Frenchman DeVoe making a
run at Bivens for second,

but they won't be able to catch
Bell as he takes the flag and

Oh! It's a great start to the qualifying
heats here at the Monaco Grand Prix!

- I beg your pardon?
- Your room, madame, is no longer.

- But I had a reservation!
- Oui madame, mais c'est le Grand Prix.

I don't care if it's a
Wehrmacht reunion party!

- This isn't my first Grand Prix you know.
- Excusez mon amie, elle est fatiguée.

- Et mal élevée.
- Sans doute, mais vous avez

- une réservation pour moi, non ? Lana Kane ?
- Non.

- See?
- What? Et pourquoi "non" ?



- C'est le Grand Prix.
- And so where are we supposed to sleep?

- Voilà.
- No. I am not sharing a room with you.

No, I'm sharing it with you, and
it's the last one in the hotel.

- No view, but it's got two queens.
- Where's the other one,

- greasing up in the bathroom?
- Malory!

- You know what?
- Guys, hey. Ray, this is fine,

- two of us will just have to double up.
- Exactly, two of you.

- What? Excus...
- I am not sharing a bed.

It's bad enough Lachouffe made us
schlep all the way to Monaco for...

whatever's on that damn disk. Which had
better be worth this splitting headache.

- Yeah, help yourself.
- Well, it sure better be worth four

- million bucks, which is... where?
- Oh, Sterling has it.

- What?
- You turned Archer loose in a casino

- with four million dollars?
- Oh, don't worry.



He may be a vain, selfish,
lying, and quite possibly

alcoholic man-whore, but gambling
is one vice Sterling doesn't have.

Guess he's too busy doing all that
other awesome stuff. Thanks, Mother.

Oh shut... Why isn't there a
metal briefcase full of bearer bonds

- handcuffed to your drinking arm?
- Uh, pretty sure you just answered

- your own question...
- Sterling, if you left that briefcase

in some cathouse, I swear to God...

Relax! The money's totally
safe, on deposit with the casino.

- Wh...
- That way they comp everything.

I call it the Sterling Archer
Triple-A Power Play, and yes,

- the A stands for awesome.
- Did you get a receipt?

Of course, I did. Obviously... I did that.

- Now if you will excusez-moi...
- Ah, Monsieur Archair !

If you will please to
follow me to le suite royale,

where I took a liberté to ave
a woman waiting in your jacuzzi?

- Yes I will! Good work there, uh...
- Benoit.

Sorry.

So-sorry.
I was laughing at your name.

I mean because you know
what it sounds like, right?

- Oui, monsieur...
- Sounds like ben-wa balls,

Benoit. Balls. See? I can't
even say it without saying balls.

- Say your name.
- Benoit.

- Balls. See? Physically impossible.
- Does monsieur require anything else?

Yes I do! Benoit, balls.
Monsieur desires more champagne,

steak frites, a post-jacuzzi
female companion,

and for somebody to get up here
and fold his towels into swans.

Or actually not these towels, some
thicker ones. As thick as possible

- while still being swan-shape-foldable.
- Bien sûr.

And when will monsieur desire
to try his luck at the tables?

Wow, what's French for
"broken record?"

Pardon, monsieur, but as I said,
the Suite Royale is reserved for...

- Sterling Malory Archer!
- And there goes my erection.

- Hi Mother.
- We're switching rooms.

I want my luggage up
here in three minutes.

Impossible, madame. My bellopps ave
been taken prisoner by the Wehrmacht.

Now you just listen to me, bub!

Madame! The only way you will ave
zis suite is over my lifeless corpse!

Pairaps zat will teach you to
insult ze proud nation of Monaco!

Now if you will excuser moi, I must
go find fresh towels and a whore.

Hey Benoit, Not too
thick on either, O.K.

- Happy?
- Yeah, except for my gun's all soapy.

- Pretty dumb taking a bath with it...
- Sterling I'm warning you,

if one red cent of that money is missing
when we make the exchange with Lachouffe...

- It won't be! Everything's comped, mother!
- Because they expect you to gamble!

Which I'm not
going to do, duh!

- Mother, I've done this tons of times.
- Wh... With ISIS money?

No. But four million
seems pretty steep for...

- What's on that disk, anyway?
- None of your beeswax.

And the price is irrelevant,

because you're going to steal
it back after the exchange.

- Oh.
- Duh.

And you have to steal it back
because I, um, slightly borrowed it.

Umm, slightly from where?

What in the world...

Oh no, oh no no no no no...
Paaaaaaaaaaaaam!

Also irrelevant.

Because you're not going
to screw this up, are you?

Aaahhhhhhh... no.
No I am not Mother.

- You better not.
- Oh my God, oh man,

that was fun. Thank you.

Seriously, not many women could bring
me to orgasm in front of my mother.

I wouldn't think.

Four million dollars, gone!

Every single account
has been wiped out!

- All except Ms. Archer's!
- And how does she have

two-point-three million
damn dollars in her 401K?

- that a lot?
- Maybe not to you, Glenda Gotrocks...

Stop calling me that!

- Stop being a frickin jillionaire!
- Make me!

Zip it, you two!

Now, we've obviously been the
victims of identity thieves...

- Which is funny why?
- You think it's just

a coincidence Mr. Archer
took four

million dollars to Monte Carlo?

- Huh? What? Where?
- In bearer bonds, whatever those are.

- Shitsnackin crackers!
- That thieving bastard!

He, he's gambling away
our retirement money!

What?

Lady Luck, monsieur,

she awaits your passionate embrace!

I'm kinda passionate-embraced out
right now, after the tub-snorkeling.

In the jacuzzi of yourfree suite,

in which monsieur
desires to remain?

Uh, yes, yes he does.

Bon! Zen I wish
you bonne chance!

I can't, I don't have
any chips, thanks Radar.

Umm, okay...

Monsieur ? Le minimum,
c'est deux.

The minimum is two?
Okay, here...

- Bonne chance !
- Thanks Benoit, balls,

- I don't actually...
- Banque !

What happened?
What is bonk,

does that mean I...
Lose?

Hang on, that was... Wait,
how much are these chips worth?

Twenty-five grand!
A piece!

- Bonne chance !
- Hey, hang on! Benoit! Balls!

So I uh, need to get
that money back.

Shit. Or whatever, merde.

- Le grande!
- Okay what's that mean,

do I Win? Really?
Just like that, fifty grand?

Okay, let's do that again!

Huit... Cinq... Zéro.

Oh my God, this is like
taking candy from a...

candy-hating baby!

Speaking of candy, I'm gonna
be here a while, gorgeous,

so bring me a fifth of Glengoolie
Black and a bag of gummi bears.

You want anything?
Gummi bears all around.

I'll eat hers if she doesn't,
um... have teeth. Okay!

Lets play some god damn cards!

Yes! No! No no no no no!

God damn it woman, wipe
that grin off your pie-face!

He's killing me!

- I'm gonna kill you!
- No!

Ray, stop it, I can
feel a hot streak coming on,

- just gimme a...
- Here, take this?

No thanks, I'm not thirs... Ow!

- How much. - Uh, well it's hard to
say, really, maybe...

eight hundred thousand?

- What? You lost eight hundred grand?
- Oh. No, remaining.

Pardon? Merci.
Here, take these?

Ray, I said I'm not thirs...

Tee! Ow!
- Three-point-two

- million dollars?
- I've been really streaky, Ray!

I was up for a while, then down, then

up for a really long time,
but then...

You've only been
here twenty minutes!

Wow, seemed way
longer than that...

And I thought
you didn't gamble!

I don't!
I mean not since...

I had a really bad
experience one time...

Umm... hit me?
Busted!

And now all the candy is
Mother's...

Cause crybaby hit
on seventeen again.

Like an idiot.

Why was I
dressed as Hitler?

Why do you do
anything you do?

Archer, when your
mother finds out...

No! Ray, you can't tell
her! Or Lana! They'll...

- think less of me.
- And I won't?

- I don't care what you think.
- I'm telling your mother.

- Telling her what?
- Your son...

Shhh, no. Come on.

Is drunk.

Who're you,
Carrie Nation?

But my God, Sterling
look at your clothes!

Just how drunk are you?

- Oh for the...
- We're meeting Lachouffe in two hours!

I'll clean him up,
try to get some coffee in him.

Make sure that's
all you put in him!

Im sorry, what?

Keep it in your
pants, sister.

Yeah, yuk it up...

Wow, all these years, I've never
seen Archer like, drunk drunk.

- Have you?
- Once.

Can't play cards, can't drink...

- I don't feel good.
- What the hell good are ya?

- Oh God.
- Why was he dressed as Hitler?

Anyhoo. Ooh,
I think I see a duke!

- Ugh, what.
- Nice...

Glad you can still be snotty,
while Archer's gambling away your

- 401K!
- My what?

- Tell her I said hey!
- Shut up, and ours too! Everybody's!

Archer wasn't gambling,
he was just drunk...

Lana, did you hear me?

- Cet imbécile, il jouait ?
- I thought you spoke French.

Jusqu'il a perdu
trois millions.

- Oh. Shit.
- Cyril tell her I said...

Idiot! Stupid
stupid stupid idiot!

I... look,
I said I was sorry!

- No you didn't!
- Well? Whatever,

I have a plan to
get the money back

which doesn't include
you taking my hotel toiletries!

- You're not using 'em.
- Yes I am!

Go look at your pores
and then tell me your using 'em.

And then tell me
your little genius plan.

- Rob the casino.
- Thanks for the lotion.

Ray, we can do this!

C'mon, I've broken
into way tougher places!

I mean, not without
my turtleneck, but still...

Do you even know
where the bearer bonds are?

Well no, not
exactly, but

What's it say
on the receipt?

- That you didn't get, did you?
- No.

You know why they're
called bearer bonds?

- Because your gay.
- Because they're unregistered

and untraceable, and the legal owner
of a bearer bond is whatever asshole

physically holds the
piece of paper!

Well then I dunno why
you're so pissed off.

- Technically that money was mine.
- And mine!

- Your money?
- And yours!

And dickbrain's here!
And Cyril's! Pam's!

Everybody's! Because
your mother cleaned out

- all the ISIS 401K accounts!
- What?

- I have a 401K?
- Not anymore!

I had almost two hundred
grand in there, you...

okay, yeah, that's it.

Down! Ray, put it down
or I swear...

Archer!
I will put you down.

How am I the bad guy? Mother's the
one who stole our retirement money!

All I did was...
Foolishly lose it.

He does have a point.

Why would she pay four million
bucks for unverified information?

Well, either she's
getting Alzheimer's...

- Or she thinks it's another sex tape.
- Hey!

Actually that wouldn't surprise me.

Well whatever's on the
disk, Lachouffe expects

four million dollars in bearer bonds,
and we only have one million...

Or eight hundred
thousand.

For which there
is no receipt.

Look, Lana, I feel bad
enough as it is.

- You couldn't feel bad enough.
- Eh.

Shut up, so here's
what we're gonna do.

First, we have to keep Malory
occupied while we go meet Lachouffe...

She's in the bar,
hitting on a duke...

I bet you get chilly at
night, all alone

in that great big castle...

But judging from the way Sir
Duke was eye-banging the waiters,

I don't think she's gonna
have much luck. So Ray,

- that's where you come in...
- Ew!

- Yeah, he's like a thousand.
- You're not gonna have sex with him

Well wait,
he is a duke...

No means no. Because you'll be
ngmaking the exchange with Lachouffe.

- But wait, he's expecting Mother.
- Yeah...

When Lachouffe realizes we don't have
four million dollars in bearer bonds...

- Perfidie ! Tuez-les !
- We'll take out his bodyguards.

Ça suffit !

What the hell is she
keeping here? Buckles?

Then, having retrieved your
mother's disgusting sex tape

Allegedly disgusting.

Although probably disgusting.

We figure out a way to get
our 401K money back.

Yeah hi, duh, we just steal the
bearer bonds from the casino.

- If they're even in the casino!
- Well where else would they be, Ray?

Taxi! Taxi!
Oh, shit.

C'est le Grand Prix...

Well you better hope they're in the
vault. Ray, hurry up. Get changed.

I'm good.

It's the second qualifying
round of the Monaco

Grand Prix and oh, they're really
burning up the streets

of Monte Carlo!
Oh, it's just grrreat!

No, this is not
at all great!

Why not?
They're already tied up,

and we don't even
have any rope, so...

Man, you can have
these control-tops.

No wonder your
mother's such a bitch.

Can you not rub your dick in my
mother's pantyhose? Please?

- Archer!
- What, Lana? Look at him...

Why would somebody
tie up the guards?

- Duh! So they could rob the... Oh shit.
- Dis-moi maintenant.

- Qui a volé le coffre-fort ?
- Benoit !

- Balls.
- Quand ?

Dix minutes?
Il a pris des papiers!

- Où va-t-il ?
- How the hell would he know?

Oh, right.
Desolée.

Well he couldn't have
gone far in ten minutes,

- it's a zoo out there.
- There's a zoo here?

- The Grand Prix!
- They could have both!

Lana! Zoo ? Ici ?

Go, dumbass! Because if
we don't get my 401K back,

you won't live long enough
to regret you were ever born.

Doesn't even
make sense...

Now is that
bulletproof, or what?

Yeah, y'all I didn't
even feel that!

- This shit's pretty tight, man.
- I can let it out,

and I can let all this stuff go
for forty-one thousand

six-hundred
eighty-eight dollars,

and I'll even throw
in the Chokebot.

Krieger, what the hell
are you doing?

I'm selling ISIS
equipment until I get every

damn cent of my 401K back!

Oh... So hey,
how'd you guys like a color copier

and about, say,
eighty computers?

- For your clubhouse.
- And some blowjobs.

I mean printers.

- Dammit, we're never gonna find Benoit!
- Balls,

and we might if you two would stop
being bitches for five seconds!

Case in point, Lana!
That's... Oh.

Hand over the
bag, Benoit!

- Balls!
- Dammit, that's my...

- Au revoir, suckairs!
- Benoooiiiit!

Balls, no, the
moment's ruined.

- We're ruined!
- How're we supposed to catch him now?

Wow, this might be
hard to drive...

with such a huge,
throbbing erection.

Wooo-hoooooo!

Well Dennis, it's a
strange tairn of events

here at the Grand Prix!
Because look here now,

who could believe it? A woman driving in

Formula One race!
And a négresse at that!

No, you just don't
see that everyday!

Or that.

He's heading for
the coast road!

Hey thanks,
Captain Obvious!

- Dukes!
- Is it obvious he has a gun?

Well yeah, now...

- Ow do you like those pommes?
- How do you like 'em?

What the hell'
are you doing?

Shooting out his tires
so he loses control

and flies off the cliff!

- With the bearer bonds?
- Yes, Lana, with the...

Benoit!
Balls!

That was actually
pretty ballsy...

And I never got my
swan-shaped towels!

I can't see, you fool!
Get off!

- I am getting off! I love this!
- Archer!

- Not now, Lana!
- Yes! Now!

Dammit Lana, I said not... Oh shit!

- Nice plan, Lana!
- What...

Oh, rocket launcher. Y'all! Y'all my car
is slowing down for some unknown reason!

for some unknown reason!

Just must be out of carburator

Archer, look out!

Yeah, an attack helicopter
and a rocket launcher, Lana,

- I think I see it!
- Not that!

I see it, Lana!

There's this new thing called
situational awareness?

Great!
Tell that to Benoit!

Balls.

- Meeeeerrrrrr...
- Meeeeeeeerrrrde!

- Waagh!
- Archer!

The money!
Where's the money?

It's right here, Ray!
And I'm fine, since you asked.

- Yeah, I didn't.
- Hey, ya know what?

So, guess that's it for
Lachouffe and Benoit...

Balls!
Nailed it!

And speaking of...

You are so lucky
this worked out.

Well you know what they say,
Lana, unlucky at cards, lucky at...

a whole shitload of all
kinds of other stuff.

- Yeah, you're the best.
- Thank you.

Why are you drinking again?
! We're meeting Lachouffe

- in ten minutes!
- Already did.

You... Oh!

And I just assume I
don't wanna know what's on that.

Don't worry, Nosey Parker,
you won't.

But it's a lot more interesting
than my afternoon.

You'd think that duke had never
been with a woman before...

- Would vomit, too tired.
- Oh shut up.

And every dime of the four
million better be in that bag.

- It is, and while we're on the subject...
- Thanks for stealing

- our 401K money!
- I...

first of all,
if that's my Chanel suit

I will have your
guts for garters

- You need some garters.
- And second of all,

I didn't steal that money,
I merely borrowed it.

Well just for the record?

I think using our 401K's as
your personal ATM machine

was incredibly lame.

And just for the record
I don't care.

That being said, we better
hurry up and redeposit this.

No telling what those idiots
might do if they find out their

measly 401K's are missing...

Been a real pleasure
doin business with y'all.

- Especially you, Pam.
- Holla!

Uh-huh.
A'ight, peace out!

So wait, they're gonna
fence all that stuff

and then pay us for it?

- Damn it!
- Way to go, stupid.

Me? Hey, I'm not
the one who was handing out

blowjobs like
puffy stickers!

Aw, shit!

Plus I gave 'em
all my stickers.