Archer (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Swiss Miss - full transcript

German billionaire, Herr Conrad Schlotz, controls all European Videotex services. His nubile, out-of-control daughter, Anke, is determined to have her 17th birthday bash at an exclusive ...

So if you want paper towels in there,

you'll just have to supply your own.

[Low, half-hearted bitching]

Where do you get paper towels?

And, last item, on a related note,
I have no choice but to cut salaries.

[Loud, full-hearted bitching]

Eight percent, across the board!

And let's just put a lid on it!

Do we have to supply our own lids?

Look, I didn't invent the economy!

And until Isis gets in the black,
we all have to make some



sacrifices, so...
Line one for you.

It's your furrier.

Unbelievable!

We have to cut back but
you're buying new horseshoes?

Tell him to send over the gray fox.

See? Sacrifice.

At this rate I'll be
reduced to wearing nutria.

On your horse with
his fancy new shoes.

Oh for the...
That's a farrier!

I know.

And this...
Is Konrad Schlotz.

Herr Schlotz controls all of
Europe's Videotex services.

Videotex?

Wow, growth industry...
So he's worth billions.



And I want to convince
him to invest in Isis.

Well that's gonna be a tough sell...

We've posted losses for
fifteen straight quarters, so...

So that's why you're going to cook up
a different set of books, Cyril.

Ooh no, I'm not comfortable with that.

Think you'd be more comfortable
on another little vacation?

Upstairs?

No, I was dating Lana
but since I suffer from sexual addiction,

which these
quacks deny is even real,

now they're treating
me for... Can somebody!

Please!

Shut up that damn coyote?

Clormatrazapam?

No. No I would not.

So unless you want me send you back...
I will start cooking the books.

Good thing you know how to cheat.

Hey, ya know what?
Enough!

Now then, this is a
two-prong operation.

The books are prong one, while
prong two is El Frente Rojo.

Derby day, wore that exact same hat.

Shock!

Herr Schlotz fears they may
attempt a kidnapping during

a birthday party he's throwing
this weekend in Gstaad...

Ach, Gstaad!

- Oh yeah, count me in!
- And me out.

I'm not getting frostbite
protecting some old German guy.

Herr Schlotz isn't
the intended victim.

It's his daughter, Anka...
Who obviously needs

someone on her constantly, and
so I will be that someone,

who is constantly on her!

[Assorted grossed-out ad-libs]

For God's sake, Sterling,
she's turning seventeen!

Oh, eww!
Sorry, even for you Archer...

C'mon, she doesn't look like
she's just turning seventeen!

No, she looks like she's
just turning eighteen.

Exactly.

Plus Europeans use the
metric system, which...

Sterling Malory Archer, you
will not touch a single hair on that girl.

I... See?
How I just let that go by?

Look at me.

I'm the perfect gentleman.

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No.
This is completely unacceptable.

Cutbacks, I get it, but
you cannot expect me to

share a room with Ray.

Aw, I'll be gentle...
Mother! You know what he's implying, right?

Stop whining, we're all making do.

Why, I'm sharing a room with Lana...
Hooray...

And Pam's sleeping in the cellar.

Yeah, and if money's so damn
tight, why is she even here?

Eh, she's making me mule
back a buncha this crap...

That "crap" is three
hundred dollars a bottle,

and you can't get it in
America, so not another sip!

And the rest of you, make
room in your luggage for

ten liters apiece.

Unbelievable...
I know, what kind of limit is that?

Ah gut, you are here, Frau Archer!

Ah ah ah!

It's Fraulein Archer!

She added, desperately...
And these are my top agents,

who are ready to lay down their
lives to protect your, um...

Lovely daughter.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that...
Ja, but if it does...

Let's hope not.

You must protect my princess.

Anka is all I have in the world
since her mother passed away.

Oh, you poor thing.

- You're a widower?
- Oh, like you didn't KNOW!

No! No!

- What is wrong with you?
- Did no one just see that?

Jumpy, eh? Truly, *** has not frightened
the famous Sterling Archer.

No, she does!

- My Anka? What do you mean?
- Oh, right!

Yeah, Archer, Anka is dirty sexy.

- What?
- Sterling!

She is only 16!

- I...
- Oh, schwein!

No, I know! I'm not.

- Don't come near her again.
- Come on!

And the rest of you, get to work.

Come, Anka!

Oh, hell, I hope you're happy.

No, I'm not, mother.

I just got fingered.

You know, that is just... ewwh.

Just thanks a lot, Bitch and Sundance.

- What?
- What?

What what? Didn't you see that?

I saw you totally, eye-banged a teenager.

No you didn't, because I wasn't!

- Whatever.
- Go, wash up, dirty bird.

- I wasn't eye-banging her.
- Man, I was.

What? Geez, I'm only human!

Are you?

[Belch]

Ay, that stinks.

So don't smell it, don't smell it.

Another perfect example of
your reductive reasoning!

Basta, queridos!

Que es esto?

He started it.

Can't I leave you two alone for even
one hour without you going at it?

I should have asked myself the
same thing about you two...

Meaning what?

Meaning you left me for my brother!

Your twin brother.

So obviously I still find
you very attractive.

And I have good news!

Even though Sterling Archer
is here in Gstaad...

Archer?! Ay, dios mio!

It won't be a problem to
kidnap that bourgeois perrita.

Her father has forbidden
Archer to go near her!

So then we go with my plan.

Your plan stinks more
than that cheese.

I think that smell is them.

But even they smell better
than your stupid plan.

We go with my plan.

Fine.

You don't want the world's
greatest secret agent on the case?

Fine!

You want little countess Von
Fingerbang to get kidnapped?

Fine!

Oh oh oh, and as for you, Ray...!

Sterling Archer may be many
things, but he's not... Fine?

Oh, I think he is very fine...
Hey no no, Anka,

you can't be in here!

Anka?
Mr. Archer, how familiar you are.

You must address me by title...
Countess Von Fingerbang.

Noooope!

C'mon Anka, seriously, you
seriously gotta get outta

here before... Shit!
Before the cops show up, or... Wait,

what do you have in Switzerland,
some kinda pikemen?

I don't know...
I am from Germany.

Where the age of consent is fourteen.

What is it, the Alabama of Europe?

In many ways yes, but...
We can talk about that in bed.

No we can't!

Seriously you have to...
Hand over the girl, cochino!

And that is just it for today, on
people calling me a frickin pig!

[Screams and yells]

Holy shit, did you see that?

I saw you save my life!

No, I... Well maybe a little, and
I know just how to repay you!

Wait no no no!

Bad touch, bad touch!

You... schwein!

So, does this look as bad as it looks?

I will let the gendarmes decide that!

Oh, so they're not pikemen...
Wait! Anka, tell your father what happened.

Papa, he lured me. And then he tried
to touch me with his...

Wilhelm!

No, I saved her life!

Look, I set a kidnapper on fire!

Tell it to the gendarmes!

Schwein!

Oh c'mon, did you not just see that?

Sterling, you promised!

And yet here you stand,
as a fortune walks away,

with your wedding tackle
stuffed into your shaving kit!

"Schwein."

Doesn't even touch it.

Yeah? Well neither did I, mother!
I saved her life!

Go ask that dick I set on fire!

And speaking of, that bay rum
really burns on the owww!

Hello, razor!

Welcome to the party!

[Beep] you, Switzerland.

You're damn lucky Anka
convinced her father

not to press charges.

Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually
assaulted by a teenage sociopath,

interrogated by gendarmes.

- Oh, three stitches on my penis.
- Uh.

So... yeah, it's all breaking my way!

Well just stay of my way.

I have to convince Schlotz
to get in bed with Isis.

And failing that, in bed with...
Don't! Say it.

I'm in enough pain.

Yeah, the entire hotel's
talking about your little shaving accident.

Hooray... And if you wanna get
Schlotz into you... Phrasing!

You better start eating strudel.

Maaajor chubby chaser...
Well, a lot of that's muscle...

Let's hope not...
Cause ya get pretty strong

arms growing up on a dairy farm.

A dairy farm?

Yes, it was called Butterfat Ranch...
No it...

And they had a big cheese-rodeo.

It was poovey farms.
I also was raised on a dairy farm!

Yer shitting me!

What was yer breed?

Friesianu!

We had Holsteins!

Jeez, they're like...
Cousins!

Wow! Man, all this cow-talk is
making me thirsty for some milk.

And as luck has it, there is
some chilling in my suite.

Well let's get some!

Don't wait up...
That is so classic her.

Chasing a billionaire while
we could all be surrounded by

terrorists, because we don't
even know what they look like!

Well, spoiler alert:

One of them doesn't have
any skin on his face.

Meaning what?

Meaning I set one of them on fire?

Was that before or after you got
caught fondling a teenager?

Well, obviously before!

After was all...
Gendarmes and dick-stitches!

Ugh... And I didn't touch her,
Lana, so there's no reason to be jealous!

Whatever!

How's your Wilhelm?
Aagh!

Should I kiss it and make it better?

No, you should get away from me!

Look, I'm serious, you need help!

You need help, Archer!

She came up to me!

Ray, what is a...
What did you call it?

"Blow job?"

What?

Shame on you!

Fie and shame!

And it's something a grown-up
does when he loves another grown-up.

Now raus, you mouse, get
ready for our ski lesson.

She's giving you a ski lesson?

No, I'm giving her one.

Oh yeah right, I forgot
you won the Olympic

gold medal in men's downhill.

Well, ass, it was giant slalom...
And I only took bronze.

So... you lost.

Well, I came in third.

Yeah, which is last.

Which is third.

In the world.

You lost, Ray.

Jesus, get over it.

It actually was a huge disappointment.

I trained so hard and so long!

Months of preparation ruined!

How could you be so stupid?

Carlito, he obviously did not
mean to get set on fire.

We should have gone with my plan.

Which was superior in every way!

So then now we do your plan.

My plan requires three people.

Three people who have faces!

Putamadre!

Now I must call headquarters
for reinforcements.

Good idea, mi amor.

You are so clever.

And sexy.

That sounds like Schlotz, but...
Oh my God,

Pam must be getting naked!

All these idiots think about sex.

It's called nymphomania.

Maybe mixed with borderline
personality disorder,

I mean I dunno, Lana,
I'm not a developmental

psychologist, but...
Archer, I'm serious... I'm serious.

That girl's a nightmare.

No, a nightmare is sharing
a room with your mother,

who expects me to...
Loofah, I know...

Protect! Some eurotrash brat!

Who's got about a jillion
guests coming to her stupid

birthday party tomorrow!

Yeah...
Think they're gonna have a band?

Or just a DJ?

I don't...
Why don't you go find out?

No, I can't be alone.

That's when she strikes,
like a slutty little ninja.

Eww, is that Schlotz and Pam?

And are they drinking anti-freeze?

Let's hope.

Ugh, change it, before I puke my...
Holy shit! Lana, look!

That's the kidnapper I set on fire!

That guy?

Who's never been on fire?

He was, though! Lana, I swear...
You swear?

Like you swore about a
ninety-pound schoolgirl raping ya?

Attempted rape, Lana, and that guy was
running around like Johnny Storm.

AKA the human torch, Lana, duh!

And if you don't believe me, fine...
Hey!

I can take care of myself.
Ow!

Oh, great, yeah,
go terrorize the bell hop.

Good thing the gun was empty.
Oh, shit.

God, I hate it when he's right.

Now he gets to be the big hero who...

has no bullets.

Going against an unknown
number of radical terrorists

armed with automatic weapons.

So that's gonna...

Ugh, dammit.

Herr Schlotz, herr Schlotz!

Are you in there?

I need to ask you a tiny...

My God, woman, can't you not read?

Not without my glasses, so...

I was hoping if you could read this to me...

Perhaps in your suite over a drink...

Yeah, come on in...

Just making a fresh batch
of green Russians.

Ow ow ow ow ow ow.

First thing when I get back,
buying an electric razor.

That's no fun...
Oh for [beep]'s sake!

Then you don't get to squirt
that hot white cream all over your face.

Why aren't you with Gillette?

As the ski lift was coming, at
the last moment I jumped out of the way!

Dukes, I am gonna be
in huge trouble...

Right after I freeze to death.

Double dukes!

Oh great, they cut the power!

How romantic...
Yeah it is.

No, not romantic, dangerous!

Because it's gonna be dark soon.

So before it is too dark,
let me ask your opinion on

something... What're you...
No no, re-zip, re-zip!

Do you think I need a boob job?

Honestly?

Wh-?

I'm kidding! Anka, c'mon, you're
gonna be a beautiful woman someday.

Really?

Yes, really. And literally,
the minute you turn eighteen

please call me, but...
Save your minutes!

Because tonight Sterling Archer dies!

[Laughing] Oh yeah?

[Click, click]

Oh no.

Don't shoot the girl, we need her!

Archer, you must save me!

Got any ideas?

Because I'm all ears!

Why don't we take that?

Well obviously we're gonna take that.

C'mon!

Oh, Archer!

We are safe now, ja?

Well, it's a little early to say...

But I really kinda doubt it.

I mean, I'm sure I've
been in worse situations...

But right now I'm kinda drawing
a blank.

What the hell's all that,
ya reckon?

Immigrants.

Cramming their lowriders full of
free health care and... Snow.

We should go to the gendarmerie!

Yeah, if you weren't topless!

Oh, and hadn't accused
me of molesting you!

Are you going to throw that in
my face for the rest of my life?

Yeah, all four minutes of it!

Idiota!

The girl is worth millions!

Be careful where you are shooting!

Ooh, Pink Floyd show!

Oh.

Man, I'm gonna be in trouble...
Trouble dukes.

Where are we going?

The forest!

They'll have to split up in there,
then we can take 'em out one

or two at a time!

You want to fight them?

Are you insane?

No, just incredibly pissed off!

You can't believe what this
is doing to my stitches!

Okay, I need you to do
exactly what I tell you

when I tell you, without...
We should just go to the what?

Because I came in second, smartass!

Out of how many?

Two?

Will ya just shut up and drive?

How do I do it?

Right hand!

Take the throttle!

Like this?

No, ya gotta twist it!

I am twisting it!

No, you gotta...
Hang on a second!

You gotta twist it like this.

You've gotta go faster, Anka!

Faster?

I'm freezing to death already!

You shoulda thought of that before
you took your stupid clothes off!

Seriously, would you go?

I'm doing it like you said.

Grip it as hard as you can, and
twist the absolute shit out of it!

Oh, I get it!

Just like men love
it on their Wilhelm!

No we don't...
Oh, my God!

You've never even seen a Wilhelm!

Wh-? I have seen dozens!

Scores even!

You are such a liar!

I bet you've never even
gotten to second base!

I... Well, so maybe not!
So what?

What do you mean so what?

Why do you behave like...
No one cares how I behave!

Mama is gone, papa is always at work, so
I just rot away at that boarding school!

Yeah, and then I bet you get...
Sent off to camp all summer!

Riding camp, skiing camp...!

Lacrosse camp...!

It's like he doesn't want me around!

Yeah, so you misbehave because...
You just want a little attention!

And it's so hard to make friends!

Because you're insecure,
so you overcompensate,

and come across as...
A snob, or arrogant, yeah, no I get it!

You know Archer, I think
you and I are a lot alike

I don't do that!

Okay, I think that's all of em!

Which is good, because I'm out of ammo...
And we're out of gas.

Fantastic.

Guess we'll have to hike back.

Oh my God! You must be freezing.

Hey relax, you're gonna be okay.

We'll get you back to the hotel and...
All the wind from the

driving, Archer, my hands
are really burning!

Ooh, that's first-degree frostbite.

Too bad you don't have big,
mitteny gloves, like me.

I can't feel a thing in these.

And it's like my breasts are on fire!

I, um, just maybe put
your hands on them.

My hands are like ice!

But yours are...
No!

- Please...
- No, we can make it back in like...

- half hour tops.
- I can't wait that long.

Please, with such big, mitteny
gloves, it won't even count!

Nooope!
But I could get nerve damage!

That's actually a possibility.

Please, Archer!

Just for one minute!
Um...

Literally one minute, and
only because this is a

medical emergency.

Ahh... that feels nice.

No it doesn't, don't enjoy this,
this is a medical proced... Oww!

What's wrong?

Nothing, just um...
My stitches.

Oh yeah?

Gettin' a little
"local swelling?"

[Anka giggles]

Right.

I can't believe I let this happen...
It was those damn green Russians.

Yeah, they pack a wallop...
And if you ever breathe

a word of this, I will
gut you like a carp.

Hey, what happens in Gstaad...
[Tiny burp]

Stays in Gstaad.

Now who's ready for a shower?

This gal!

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