Archer (2009–…): Season 13, Episode 8 - Episode #13.8 - full transcript

- This is it.

The slightest misstep
means disaster.

[tense musical sting]

ah, my best work yet.

- [sighs]
sadly, I think you're right.

- Another one
for the maybe pile.

- [laughing maniacally]

- cheryl, you know I love you,
but if you don't start helping,

I'm gonna snap your vertebrae
like pistachios.

- Aw, that does sound like love!

- Come on! We need 100 of those
by the end of the day.

- Well, since we're not
gonna make it anyway,

it won't matter if you eat one.

- You know I'm trying
to keep that under control!

[yelping weakly]

- why do you think I'm doing it?

- [screams]

- yaa... ah-ha-ow...
- [laughs]

I saw you lick crumbs
off your face... I win.

- You okay?
- Why was it so hot?

- Were you...
Wearing oven mitts?

- What are those?

Slater: Damn it!
What are you idiots doing?

- You tell us, ass-face.

You sawe're on a secret
mission to destroy fabian,

and we've been undercover
for three weeks in this bakery.

- It's a patisserie,

and it's not like I love
having you

mess up my profitable
side business.

- That you use
as a personal slush fund.

- Obviously, that.

Wait, where's the other guy?

Weird beard science dick?

- Everyone knows that
sourdough starter is alive,

but the question remains,
is it horny?

[glass shatters]
slater: Listen up.

Our intelligence says
that fabian will venture out

into the open soon,
then you'll kill him.

- Wait, this is
a straight-up assassination?

- What are you, children?

He's blackmailed
the president of manatina

into declaring martial law,

and is turning the whole country
into his personal fiefdom.

- Why not just
have cia hitmen do it?

- First off,
the cia doesn't have hitmen.

Second, they're busy.

Third, we can't have
our fingerprints on this.

Unlike every pastry
you dingdongs make.

- Yeah, it'd be a real shame
if the cia got a bad name.

- All I'm saying is
that we can't have blowback.

So if I get captured...

- put a bullet in your head?

- No! Jesus.
Just rescue me.

You were way too quick
with that.

And the fewer cia people
we have involved, the better.

We might have a mole.

- Oh, you don't say.

- I mean, at this point
isn't langley

a national wildlife refuge?

- You've got so many rodents
in the cia

that the "c" probably stands
for chuck e cheese.

- Why are you thinking
about chuck e cheese?

Because you want to go there
with a kid that you got tricked

into having, who no longer
sees you as her father?

Or maybe the other kid you had
with a hooker?

- Whoa.
Jesus, slater.

- The "c" stands for central.

It's a soft "c".
[phone vibrates]

all right,
let's go kill the guy.

[main title theme]

♪ ♪

Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from

s fabian is leaving
the presidential residence soon,

and the only route takes him
through the central square

and right by us here

at the confectionery institute
of the americas.

- Subtle.
- I don't do subtle.

- Has anyone ever explained
to you what a spy is?

- Has anyone ever explained
to you what alcoholism is?

- Yeah, like dozens of times.

- Okay, this is our killbox.

- Oh, great.
The only problem I have

with this is that it is insane.

You can't put a killbox
in a public square.

- Hmm, let me look.
Yeah, I can,

and if you don't want
to do this mission,

it is your god given right
as an american to go home

and face the crimes
you've all been framed for.

- Honestly,
not one of my favorite rights.

- Move over,
quartering of soldiers.

- This is president lucero,

until now,
a progressive reformer.

But she's been blackmailed
and possibly taken hostage

by fabian and a security team
led by

our friend ray gillette.

- [cheryl gasps]
hey, I know that guy!

- Look, cheryl, fairy stix!
- [squeals]

- I always carry some.

- Wait, how are we gonna take
out fabian without hitting ray?

- I mean, he's being a douche,

but if being a douche
were a capital offense,

we'd have to carpet bomb
wall street.

- And frankly, seems expensive.

- Look, ray made his choice.

And this might be
our only chance

before fabian
solidifies control.

- Aw, but it's ray.

I just... [sighs]

I just put
so much awesome tech in him.

He's more machine now than man.

- Look, I get it.
I'm human.

And I'm sensitive
to your feelings here,

but if it comes down to it,

shoot fabian
through ray's goddamn head.

- What about her?
- She's not our concern.

It's the cia's policy
not to intervene

in other countries'
internal politics.

- Or you're hoping
this mess will get her deposed

and you can replace her
with a right-wing dictator.

- Touché.

- I think it's pronounced

- Whatever.
Be ready in half an hour.

- Not to be sentimental,
but if ray does die,

I'd like my stuff back
from his corpse.

did anybody bring a chainsaw?

- Everybody ready?

- Yeah, but it's weird
not having ray here.

- Come on, he'd probably
just make some crack

about how I'm unreliable
and drunk.

It's just so unfair.

- Yeah, he'd say something like,
"if only we had

to kill your liver,
we could just wait 10 minutes."

- aha, okay.

- Easy, 007 and seven.
- Okay.

- If I wanted a partner
that pissed,

I'd team up with your underwear
tomorrow morning.

- Okay, jesus.

Now I really do
want to kill him.

- Do you really think
he's gone bad?

- I mean, he did give
all our secrets to fabian,

and before that, he was working
at iia without telling us.

- And he was really touchy
about the snake bite thing,

and the spider bite thing.

I mean, come on, get over it.

I did, like, immediately.

- Okay, we'll have a better shot
at not killing ray

if we adjust these positions

- I've got it, lana.

Here's what we do.

Okay, so the first task
is blocking the exit.

Cheryl, that's on you.

- "father of freedom,
may you stand and watch over us

until the last trumpet plays."


- We're gonna need a trumpet.

Archer: Pam, after that,
you'll join cyril

at the entrance,
so they can't retreat.

- So we're, uh,
really doing this.

- No, you're dreaming.
That's why this doesn't hurt.

- Ah!

Lana, you're eagle eye.

Call out threats.

[over radio] if you've got
a clear shot, take it.

Meanwhile, I will ready myself

for combat using
spiritual techniques

that owe much too
spartan and maori ritual.

Excuse me,
I asked for a martini,

not a liquid analog
of your character;

weak and disappointing.

Archer, I'm seeing an alleyway

that's not on the map.

Could be
a possible escape route.

We should shift...
- Lana, quick question.

Are you laszlo toth?

- [sighs] I am not.

- Then why are you despoiling
my perfect work of art?

Fabian will be
in the middle of the motorcade

well past the alley.

[over radio]
it'll be fine.

Lana: Motorcade approaching.

Three cars.
30 seconds to contact.

- Let's pucker and poke her,

Lana: Come on.
- Really?

Cheryl: No!

- Look, as leader,
you need to clear

a new catchphrase with me
before you trot it out

in front of everybody
like a brain damaged

suicidal circus horse.

Wink your stinks,
no time to think.

- What did I just say?

Lana: Everyone shut up.

are you ready to detonate?

- Ready!
Man: Miss?

- Less ready.

Not ready!

- Abort! Abort!

- Just throw it!

[brakes squeal]


- ha ha!
It was the last trump...

Oh, it hit the woodwinds.

[tires squeal]


[tires squealing, crash]

archer: Converge on car two!

Lana: No, do not converge.
He might not be...

- ignore! Converge!

Also, abort that last order.
Just for spite.

- Nobody's here.

Lana: Come on, ray.

Bend down and tie
your shoe or something.

I don't have the shot!

I repeat, no shot.
Archer, the cafe!

[door ringing]

- oh, you little...

- [shouts]

[dramatic music]

- can't say I'm sorry, fabian.

What the shit, ray?

You're gonna take a bullet
for this douchehole?

- Kinda hoping not to,
but I'm not the one

pointing a gun at me!

- He made the only
rational choice, archer.

You should do the same.

An entire country
at your disposal.

Every appetite fulfilled.

- Hah! My appetites will
never be fulfilled, fabian,

because I am ultimately empty,

is, I guess, what I'm arguing.

But it doesn't matter.

You can't do a hostile takeover
of a whole country.

You'll get thrown out

- True,
if I didn't have leverage.

We discovered
the world's biggest deposit

of the rare earth metal
hexon downriver.

Thanks for getting me a sample
last time you were here.

- Come on, ray.
We have to save the agency.

It's mother's legacy.

That has to mean something
to you.

- Don't guilt trip me!

You didn't even come see me
in the hospital

when you got me bitten
by that snake!

- [chortling]
- and now you're giggling

about it!
- I am not.

Ray, I swear, I was thinking
of something else.


it was the spider.

- Well, now I found someone
who knows what loyalty means.

- sorry!

It was just the perfect moment
for that!

Ray: You idiot!

- Oh, I'm the idiot?

You just got double-crossed!

- I was playing him!

- But that doesn't make any...

That might make a little sense,

but why didn't you kill him?

- Because I'm not gonna kill
the one person

who can actually
clear our names!

You think slater cares enough
to do it?

And now we don't even
have anybody on the inside!

- That's where you're wrong,

Slater has a mole!

- I'm the mole!
- Wow.

He was totally willing
to kill you to get to fabian.

- What a freaking shock.

I was trying to set this up
so we could capture fabian

and have him clear our names.

So you just made this
whole thing infinitely harder.

- Well, obviously,

but what about... huh.

But wait, then...

Ah, shit.

- Well, yet another
successful mission

for the ass-for-head gang.

- Yeah, well,
maybe you could have told us

ray was your man on the inside.

- How would that have helped?

- Maybe they wouldn't
have almost killed me?

- No, I mean
how would that help me?

And how do we even know
you're not playing both sides

right now?

- Oh, don't answer
all at once, y'all.

- Ugh!

Now I have to bring in
an independent kill team.

- Where are you gonna find
an independent kill team?

- The cia!

We'll just make them all
change their shirts.

The point is,
you're all demoted to support.

- And if we don't agree?

- Good luck getting through
the airport metal detector

with my steel-toed boot
up your ass.

And even if you made it
back to america,

you'd still all be felons.

- Seriously?
- Oh, come on.

- Yeah, that's right.
Now I have to go talk

to the real professionals.

And get those
fucking muffins done.

- So y'all baking now?

- Shut up, ray.
- No, I won't shut up.

Can we at least acknowledge
y'all were wrong about me?

Do you honestly still think
I've gone over to fabian?

- And that's unlikely, why?

- Okay, that's fair.

But I'm back now,
and I think we should call it


- how about possibly
not a raging asshole?

Emphasis on possibly.
- I like mine better.

- Look, it kind of seems like
we're cornered here.

So maybe we just do the job
and sort it out later.

- No. No, that is not
what we are doing.

Look, my whole with iia
was to go with the flow,

do my job, and go home.

And look where that got us.

There was no way we get out
of this if we just hope

things turn out okay.

We have to take control.

- Yeah, that's a fun series
of words, lana,

but so is mad libs.

- Okay, so how's this?

We pretend to work support,
go rogue, grab fabian,

get him out of the country,
and use him to clear our names.

- Well, that I do like.
You got a plan?

- Always.
- So to be clear,

are we or aren't we
playing mad libs?

Either way,
my response is boobs.

[dramatic music]

slater: Listen up failures,

what I need you to do
is nothing.

Sit here and smell each other's
farts until I say.

We may need you
for a distraction,

or something.

- Okay, we don't have much time

before the heavy hitters
get here.

- Uh, since it's my plan,
shouldn't I be the one talking?

- That goes against
my every instinct,

but we don't have time to argue.

So I'm gonna keep talking
because it feels natural.

Ray, you can't go in
because they know your face,

but you know the layout
and the security holes,

so you're gonna be crucial
on the radio.

We're counting on you.

Pam: Really?
Cyril: Good lord!

Cheryl: I mean...
Lana: Hey!

Ray risked his life for us!

So shut up and get going.

Hey, ray, I just wanna say

that I appreciate
the sacrifices you made.

- Finally, someone!
Thank you.

- But if you do betray us,
I'll flay you under

a lemon juice waterfall.

I'll make
an aztec blood sacrifice

look like a girl scout jamboree.

Now gulp and then say,
"yes, lana."

- [gulps] yes, lana.

Archer: Whew!
Oh, buddy, sorry about lana.

Because I think she was
a little too lenient.

And speaking of jamborees,
I will roast marshmallows

over your burning,
but still barely alive body.

- Y'all's level of trust
is truly inspiring.

[suspenseful music]

- ready?

- Uh, not sure.

You wanna give me a speech
about my plan before we go?

- Don't be petty, lana.
It's unbecoming.

- Don't forget your bag.

Archer: Ow!

so petty!

- Oh no, wait! That was my bag.

♪ ♪

- what are you doing here?

- We're... Delivering pastries?

- What is this mierda?

- Don't be a dick.
That one's pretty good.

I even put my name on it.

- [clears throat] excuse me.

Is there a problem here?

Archer: Yes, lana.

I just stepped
in a puddle of raw sewage

in shoes that cost more
than your car.

- Well, if it makes you
feel better,

you could always
get me a nicer car.

- No, no, no.

This isn't the solution, homies.

Let's just chill like krill.

They live in cold water.

[water running]

- [chuckling]
okay, all right, everyone.

I... I know when I'm...

About to kick some ass!

[intense music]

- [coughing]

- [grunts]

- [grunting]


- [laughing maniacally]

- oh, wow, that looks bad.

- [grunting]

lana! Get out here!

- I hate you!


- [grunting]

♪ ♪


- hell yeah, cyril, get some!

- I just got some!

[grater clatters]

[water running]
archer: Oh, hey!

Lana, wow, you're here.

Thank you so much
for stopping by.

I should be mad at you
for not helping but...

- But what?

- [laughs] but I stepped on you

with the poop shoe.

Pam: Oh, and one more thing.

Eat me.

- [muffled grunting]

- we're ready.

Ray: Okay,
two guards flanking the door,

and a third near the desk.

Cover on the left

in three, two, one, mark.

[loud explosion]


archer: Freeze, fabian,
or don't.

I wouldn't really care
either way.

- Yet another misstep
on your part.

I've got you
right where I want...


- jesus!

- Yeah, sorry.

I just couldn't listen
to another goddamn speech.

- You know what? Fair.

You, come with us.

It'll be safer for you.

- [groaning]
oh, oh! Why?

[intense music]

archer: Because that!

♪ ♪

- a-are you here to rescue me?

- Uh, who are you again?

- This is the president!

She's being held hostage
and blackmailed.

- This one is different
than the one

we blackmailed
with the bank stuff?

- At this point,
I honestly do not care.

♪ ♪

ray: Across the hall!

Come on, hurry!

Go, go!

♪ ♪

- fabian, I've been meaning
to tell you something.

- ow!

[tires screeching]

lana: Why are you stopping?

- Because... That?

[protesters shouting]

it'd be so much better.

- What, like we'd have
knockout gas?

- No, but when we get torn apart

we'd have a kickass soundtrack.

[all yelling]
- dude!

You shut up! Let her talk!

- Shut up!
Fabian is the target.

Archer and I are
getting him out of here,

the rest of you scatter.

Meet at the secondary
rendezvous point.

- But I can't go out there!

- Uh, ten second disguise, go!

- I've always meant
to try this out.

It's ironic, but now that I have

the confidence to wear it,
I want you to have it.

- Please stop talking.

- [laughs] she learns fast.

Here, take care of her.

- How is your mustache a her?

- I have this rule
where I call anything "her"

when it's more feminine
than you.

[protesters shouting]

- there, exit vehicle.

But I can't hotwire it
that fast.

- For all it's faults, iia
does have very good scientists.

- Yeah, that totally outweighs
the soul crushing evil.

Let's go!

[device beeping]

[intense music]

♪ ♪

- where are you going?

- [laughing]

- ugh!
Why are you torturing me?

- For the same reason
people climb everest.

Because they're awesome.

♪ ♪

where to now?

- Ray, need that emergency exit,

one minute exactly.

Shut up and do it
just like we planned, mark.

Make a left!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- [grunts]

♪ ♪

- shit, I lost comms!

♪ ♪

[glass shatters]

♪ ♪

Where am I going, lana?

- 20 seconds.

- "to what?" he said,

knowing the answer was death.

- Go! 15 seconds.

♪ ♪

- Why are you counting down?

I feel very
out of the loop here.

- Oh, imagine that.

- Not needed, fabian.

- Head off the bridge
at the third pillar.

Ray's got us.

- Are we really trusting
ray on this?

- Three, two, one, now!

[tires screech]

♪ ♪

archer: Oh shiiit!

- Trust me now?

- [coughs] 60/40.

What are you idiots doing?

- Please hold.
It's for you.

Slater: Congratulations!

I'm gonna spend the rest
of my life ruining yours.

And you can kiss your
little shitbox agency goodbye.

- I can't count how many times
you've threatened

to take the agency from me,

So let me say this.

Fuck your muffins.

[car alarms blaring]

- [sigh]

not the worst mission I've run.

In south america.

This year.

[smooth jazzy music]

- and we will take it from here.

- [snorts] interpol?

You guys are still a thing?

- Enough of a thing
that we can pass what we know

along to the u.S. Government

and clear your names,
if we wanted to.

And you say...

- Thank you.
We would like that.

- Ah, that's a good lad.

- Interpol? What is that?

Some kind of airfreight service

that brings penguins
to hungry polar bears?

- No.
- Well, it should be.

- You puny, second-rate idiots!

You think this will stop me?

I cannot be defeated,
only delayed!

- Uh, excuse me, there's...

- No, cyril, let the man speak.

- When you see me next,
it will be the moment

that your life...

pl... plunges into, uh...

- Plunges into what?

- [squeals]

- [laughs] spider bite!

- Oh, don't be a baby.

- Wait,
I still have one question.

[relaxed music]

uh, what now?

- Fabian did actually deposit
two months of financial runway

into our account.

Though it was just
to frame us, so...

- So we're, like, a thing again?

- Well, but who's in charge?

Do we take a vote or something?

- No, we don't.

Now we all know
that I am the greatest spy,

not only in the world,

but in the history of the world.

- Oh, my god.

- But when it comes to strategy,

lana got us out of there,

and made a deal with interpol
to clear our names.

- Lana, the chair is yours.

- Wow. Thank you, archer.

That really means a lot.

- Besides, I wanna drink and
screw and not be responsible,

and there's no way I can do it
from that chair.

Plus lana,
you won't be in the way

as much in the field.

- [chuckles]
I am not giving up the field.

- Can I change my mind?

- Speaking as your boss,
no, you cannot.

- I accept that.

Hey, mother would be proud...

Of both of us.

- [clears throat]
let me say this.

Miss kane,
you are my supervisor.

- Does this mean that you're
actually gonna listen to me?

- I'm sorry, what?
- So what's next?

- Actually, I have a few ideas
about that.

- So what are they?

It's weird that you paused
right there.

We all agree that's weird,

[clears throat]

just a weird pause.

♪ ♪

- made in georgia.