Archer (2009–…): Season 13, Episode 7 - Distraction Action - full transcript

Archer has a brilliant plan to evade capture. There is only one problem, he refuses to follow it.

Which was tragically
his final birthday.

And in intelligence news,

a manhunt is underway
for members of the Agency,

a rogue spy agency linked to
several international incidents

including the disappearance
of Fabian Kings worth,


Information on the group
is spotty,

but we do know they're led
by this man, Cyril Figgis.

Oh, my God.
Can you believe this?

I know.
Even a penguin upstaged us.

No, they think
you're in charge of me.

I'd maybe focus on the fact

that Fabian framed us
and vanished.

On the bright side,
it's almost impossible to find

a New York apartment
on such short notice.

This isn't an apartment,

it's an abandoned safe house.

The bathroom's in the kitchen,
the kitchen is the living room,

and our landlord
is a literal cockroach.

So a New York City apartment.

Do you guys think our cute
neighbor has a crush on me?

Scrawny, huge overbite,
always scurrying around.

That's a sewer rat,
and he has a brood of children.

Ew! He has kids?

Deal breaker.

Stop with the sitcom
sound effects.

But it's so boring here.

Pam, I get that you are
incapable of living

without extreme over stimulation
and/or violence,

but we have bigger problems.

What? Where?
I'll kill them.

Press that
and see what happens.

Look, AJ's custody hearing
is today

and I'd rather not
show up and get nabbed.

Krieger, where are we
on counter-surveillance?

All units, be advised,
FBI and NSA inbound.

But that could be
about anybody...

who they're looking for
at our workplace, homes, and...

Oh, no.

Why the feds got
their panties in a wad?

We barely did shit.

Besides destabilizing
a global finance center,

killing someone with a train,
and robbing a literal bank?

People are so sensitive.

And this is weird.
They're surveilling

all of our places except Ray's.

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe he got nabbed

by any of the 50 agencies
hunting us like dogs.

What if he flipped?
Maybe he's tray-cherous.

Oh, wouldn't tray-tor
have been...

A million times worse?

Who cares?

We're going to prison for life,

and we'll die in a cage.

Okay, hilarious as it is

to watch Cyril
confront his mortality,

I have just now devised a plan
to get Lana to the hearing,

you guys to safety,

and me to non-sewer air,
likely tropical.

I'd add something sassy here,

but Archer broke my phone.

We run a series
of distractions

during the hearing.

A distraction relay,
if you will.

Then we flee to Cheryl's plane
on... what did you call it?

- Long Island.
- Gross.

Tell me about it,
but apparently,

major airports hate when
you transport tons of bombs

or even say the word bomb.

Which we'll use for
the most noble cause possible,

finding Fabian
and crushing him.

Come on, damn it.
We've thwarted cartels,

cyborg Barry armies,

and we're gonna lose
to this English prick?

So let's get up,
act like the spies we are,

and kick some II-Ass.

- All right.
- Hell, yeah.

Aw, thank you,
but all this is because

you ran out of booze
last night, isn't it?

What? No.

It was this morning.


Advertise your product or brand here
contact today

We're in the heart

of New York and we're disguised

as a landscaping company?

You made me paint
over the other one.

Strained, at best.

Lana, you don a disguise
and make your way

to the courtroom
for AJ's custody hearing.

Great, AJ can watch me
get arrested in person

- instead of on the news.
- Just trust me, Lana.

The distraction relay
will work,

but to pull it off,
it has to run like clockwork.

Can't we just fart our way
through this like usual?

No, we need
each distraction on schedule.

Otherwise, they'll catch wind
about Lana.

So that means no freelancing,
no tying up loose ends,

and no personal bullshit.

Come on.

And what are you griping
about, Cyril?

Your life is so empty that
your emergency contact is 911.

Hey, I have a full life.

I've got plenty of things
I could tie up.

Like using your punch card to
get a free pizza from Teddie's.

No. I'm still two short.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go distract the police
by being hot as hell.

Sorry. These new actuators
are a little balky.

Just a sec.

Just a...


Man, if I'd peeled out
right after I said that,

you guys would've gone
full Sploosh Mountain.

Uh, damn.
That was pretty hot.

You know, Lana,
there's a chance

you walk in there,
get arrested,

and go to jail for
the rest of your life, right?

If I walk in there
and get arrested

or I don't
walk in there at all,

either way,
I never see AJ again.

What's the difference?

Bars on your bedroom
and shitty food,

but point taken.

Oh, and Lana, try not to get
photographed in that babushka.

If the Polish are ever
taken seriously in the country,

that costume would definitely
come back to haunt you.

You know,
I wouldn't say haunted.

I just think
my written test score

is getting in the way
of a promotion.

That's not important.

Okay, being a field agent
isn't about written tests.

I also did bad
on the skills part.

Um, that's less
not important,

so let's practice.

You see him.
You say...

Um, stop.
You're under arrest?

Okay, are you asking me
or are you telling me?

Telling? Wait, no.
Asking. Pass.

Wait a second.
Is that...

Excuse me, Officers.

Not now, please, ma'am.

We're undercover,
and it's very important.

You want to check those files?

Can you turn your head? Huh.

Oh, my God, it's her.

Punch it, Wally.
Oh, wait. I'm driving.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

The jackass at reception
took forever.

Think Frankenstein,
but less articulate.

The individual
you referred to as a jackass

happens to be my husband,
and he has a speech impediment.

Um, did I say Frankenstein?

I meant... well,
I guess technically

I meant,
Frankenstein's monster.

Oh, God,
this is not going well.

Eh, could be worse.

Oh, sweetie. Hmm.

Lana, I am simply blown away
by your persistence.

I admire you, not just
as a parent, but as a woman.

Thank you?

I mean,
I should be admiring you.

You didn't tell the judge
I'm a literal fugitive.

Gosh, no.

It would disregard
AJ's agency as a young woman

and the integrity
of our bygone marriage.

That's actually really sweet.

Can we commence please?

Your Honor, I'm going
to present irrefutable proof

that Lana Kane
is an unfit mother

and would cause lasting
developmental damage to AJ.

Oh, you bald little shit.

Why not wear a turtleneck
to complete the look,

you uncircumcised dick?

Ugh, this is gonna be
a long hearing.

Cheryl, cue the distraction.

Where'd you get chickens?

I want to say
the chicken store.

Oh, man. I forgot to say
she was under arrest.

Where the hell are you?
You're on in five.

Oh, can someone else
take the baton?

I'm tying up a loose end.

What happened
to "no personal bullshit"?

Yeah, for you guys.
You're up.

But I'm not ready.

Oh, for real?
Well, in that case,

I'm gonna do exactly
what I was doing

because it's
extremely important.

- Click.
- Did you just say cl...

Hey, excuse me.
Is this the brothel?

As you can see here

from the exhibit dated
that January,

Lana's negligence
got AJ kidnapped.

Separately, nice graphics.

I was skeptical at first,

but they really were
worth the money.

Hey, I got her back,
didn't I?

Plus, that experience taught us
all a very valuable lesson.

And that lesson was...

Don't get kidnapped?

Oh, and I was super helpful
in the firefight.

And Ms. Kane,
what is your job exactly?

Independent security

I'd feel better if that
didn't sound like a question.

So would I.

All right, little se tback,
but we are back on it.

Repeat after me.
We are tough.

We are smart.
We manifest our own luck.

We are tough.
We are smart.

We... give me that third one
again. Sorry.

You know what?

I'm just gonna do a sweep
of the courthouse.

Why don't you stay put, Wally?

- Oh, hello.
- Hi.

No. Hello.
Hello, I'm a fugitive.

Oh, shit.
Second chance.

- Let's do this!
- I totally manifested that.

Why is he so good
at roller skating?

Sorry, Mrs. Fentooli.

I just got lost in the skating.

Look at me now, Mrs. Fentooli.

Need backup. Central Park.

In pursuit of a dork
on roller skates.

Madame Trinett e,
you know this guy?

We're old friends.

Does friends mean,
"teamed up with my nemesis

"for a dubious paternity test
to bleed money out of me

which I used to build
a fancy brothel"?

- Fine. Friends with benefits.
- That's not what that means.

Sure it does.
I got dental and everything.

I need a favor.

Your clientele
are the city's elite, yes?

Shit, yeah.
We got real classy cooze here.

I assume you keep dirt
on everyone who comes in here

and every other rich person
they talk shit about.

Of course not.

The cops leave us alone

because they're nice.

Hey, to survive
in this business,

sometimes you gotta
pull strings.

Or whatever else
needs pulling.

Look, Trinette,
I need everything you know

about a billionaire
named Robert...

Hell no.
I don't let anything leak.

Look, Trinette,
it's not for me.

It's for my daughter.

Unless I can smear Robert,
he's gonna take AJ from Lana,

which means I wouldn't
get to see her.

You know, you're lucky that
having a kid made me a wimp.

- Careful with that, you puke.
- Thanks, Trinette.

You know, we had some
good times, didn't we?

No, you paid me for sex.

Fair enough.
Give Seamus my best,

but would it kill you
to send him to lacrosse camp?

If it made him like you, yes.

For that,
I'm taking a shot glass.

Go ahead.
You bought all this anyway.

And hey, Archer,
I really look forward

to seeing your next check.

So you're telling me that
you used to have a stable job,

but now
you're effectively unemployed.


Do I get bonus points
for saving the world on,

like, two separate occasions?

You would if I believed you.

- And?
- I do not.

I've never felt so free.

Eat my skate dust, you...

Well, just eat it.

Okay, we might be
really bad at this.

Hey, we've got to stop
the cycle of screwing up,

beating ourselves up about it,
and then losing confidence,

and then screwing up even more.


Let's treat ourselves.

Okay, if this is
reverse psychology, I like it.

Archer, it's your turn.

Have you done
anything useful today?

Yes, I've made you angry,

thereby taking years
off your life.

- But...
- That's good for the world.

But I actually have
to get this file to Lana

before the hearing's over,
so we'll need

one final distraction,
and it's not like you

have personal shit
to take care of.

But how will I get
their attention

when apparently,
I'm the most boring man alive?

Oh, Cyril,
I've spent hundreds of hours

trying to figure out
how one man could have

so little going on,
but with your lack of charisma

and devotion
to wasting your life,

bystanders can't help but be
utterly mystified by you.

Wow. That's... wait.

None of what you just said
is positive.

Thanks. Wish me luck.

In conclusion, to quot e
the great Robert Marley,

"Me don't dip
on the Black man side.

"Me don't dip
on the white man side.

Me dip on God's side."

I'm gonna need
a five minute recess.

How's it going?

- Well, that's about to change.
- What's this?

A file on Robert.
You think he smeared you?

Every shady investment,
every masquerade orgy,

every racist joke he told
in an elevator is in here.

You can bury him.

How do you have this
and... oh.

Why does it smell like
a whorehouse?

Uh, let's just say
we have friends in low places.

Like whorehouses.

No. I can't.

What? Lana, why?

Because then I'm no better
than that bow tied ball bag.

We need to talk.

I know that
some of this seems harsh,

but it's important
for the judge to know

what kind of home
you'll be providing for AJ.

It's not that.

I think we should just
stop this and let AJ choose.

For her sake,
she doesn't need to hear

any more dirt
about either of us.

Are you sure?

I want to be respectful
of her autonomy and yours,

but you're really going
to ask her to choose between

a barren apartment
and a mansion

with its own
bowling alley/arcade?

I just want
what's best for her,

and it's not this hearing.

Wait a minute.
A bowling alley/arcade?

I've never seen that.

It's a... it's a big house.

Look at me
when I'm talking to you.

You are the FBI,
and no one can take that away.

Unless, of course,
the FBI fires you.

Don't think about that.

Oh, wow. Okay.
Our mole has, in fact,

confirmed that
the target is inside.

- Are you ready?
- One second.

That's right. You got this.
Quick, but not too quick.

Mm, mm.
Ah, brain freeze.

Since this hearing started,

I've thought a lot
about myself and my future.

I love both of you guys,
and you're both good people,

so I know there's no
wrong choice.

And in these tough
couple months,

Daddy has been
so supportive and caring.

And I've never had so much

Trifola d'alba Madonna
in my life.

Trifolda... what's that now?

Most expensive truffles
on Earth.

She has her father's palate.

Robert, I love you very much,

but it's obviously Mom, duh.

Like, it's just so weird
that you're even doing this.

- What are you thinking?
- Kid goes to Mom.

Honestly, she's screwed
either way.

Court adjourned.

What an untraditional family
we are, but we make it work.

Who are you again?

I know you're joking,

but that was
absolutely devastating.

Nice work.

I am so, so happy.

- About losing custody?
- No, no, no.

Don't you see?
I pushed for this trial

so you would see firsthand,
AJ chose you.

You're not a mom by default.
You're her mother.

Cool. Bizarre mind games
from an eccentric billionaire.

Who could've guessed?
You goddamn weirdo.

Language, but correct.

God, tipping off the FBI.

So much for respecting
our autonomy.

Thanks for nothing, asshole.

Nothing? Are you kidding me?

I spent, like, $20 million
keeping the damn Agency afloat.

Well, thank you for that.

Now go eat $20 million
worth of shit.

Krieger, we've been made.

We need a distraction...
Something, anything.

Um, Cyril, do something.

But I already did my
one thing, the roller skates.

I'm out of moves.

Come on.
There's gotta be something.

We gotta think big.
We gotta think...

Absolutely enormous.

I mean, does he need
special pants?

I swear to God,
it looked at me.

Courts have side entra

It's called
a celebrity door, Lana,

you philistine.

Whoo! That was awesome.

Now all we've gotta do is get
off the island of Manhattan

with the entire FBI after us
blocking all the roads.

Where we're going,

we don't need roads.

Whoa, Krieger, hovercraft.

Krieger, we're only going,
like, five miles an hour.

Try six.

Doesn't this thing
go any faster?

Or am I gonna die
in this windowless van

like a missing teen?

He said in a van
with his daughter.

Will you relax?

Oh, it looks like
some sad adults.

- Trinette?
- Archer.

What are you,
obsessed with me now?

You do house calls?
Why a boat?

International waters, bro.
No rules. Whoo!

Not true,

and it's extremely creepy
that you want that.

I'm gonna level with you.

We need to switch boats.

I already done enough
favors for you today.

- Get out of here.
- Wait. Wait. Wait.

I have a well thought out,
persuasive argument.

All right, now, fair is fair,
finance snobs.

Empty your wallets
for Trinette and her girls.

Aren't they just gonna take
their money back when we leave?

Good point.

Now, you boys
share that. Be good.

You think those guys know
how to swim?

- I probably should've asked.
- Eh, I think you're fine.

Heads up. Sea pigs.

Shut up.
The FBI has Jet Skis?

I love civil forfeiture.

We got these from criminals?

Fun fact.
They don't even have to be

guilty for us
to take their stuff.

- That cannot be true.
- It is, though.

- Whoo! Jet Ski!
- Whoo!

did you get that?

Pam, what are you doing here?

Shh, I need a favor.

- Anything, my darling.
- First...

You probably shouldn't
set off fire works indoors.


Agree to disagree.

Alessia made us a care package.

Okay, you can never
break up with her.

Oh, my God, I love her.

Those were warning shots.

Stop the boat
or we will open fire.

AJ, honey,
get below and stay down. AJ?

Oh, AJ, get below

and stay down.

We will discuss your tone
later, missy.

Well, hello.

I'm gonna name you the solution
to all my problems.

Or maybe we don't blow up

the boat full
of government employees.

They started it.

Party boat.
Let's do this.

Whoo-hoo! Waterskiing.

Little too slow for me.


Come on.
Try not to actually hit him.

This is not what you'd call
a precision operation.

Oh, yeah, redemption. Ah!

I got an idea,

but you're gonna have
to unkink your panties

for about 30 goddamn seconds.

Do I have to?

- Damn it, I'm out.
- Me too.

I need you to reach
into my pocket.

Ah, Jesus.
You have an erection?

It's a shot glass,
but also, yes.

Use it. The shot glass, I mean.


Why did you have that?

Friends in low places,
like whorehouses.

I know what you meant.

Consider my panties unkinked.

Is that in reference
to something?

Oh, that wasn't you guys.
Never mind.

Hi. Sorry about the gun.

- I'll need the golf cart.
- Aw, man.

Don't be like that.

Uh, anyone know
where we're going?

Or who's gonna fly the plane?

Uh, this is really
as far as my plan went.

Well, I guess we lost them.

No, you've inspired me today,
and I am not giving up.

Well, hello, beautiful.

I see you finally made it.

Did you turn off the safety?

You don't know
it has a safety.

You know what?
That's it. I quit.

I'm gonna go back
to clown college.

I'll be right there
behind you.

Ah, goddamn it.

What the fuck, Archer?

Slater, it's you.
I'm so sorry.

- I should've shot you twice.
- Wow. You look...

Really bad.

the CIA's involved now?

Could we just skip
all the usual agro-bullshit

- and get to the point?
- Your old boss, Fabian,

used that blackmail info you
stole from the bank to destabilize

the country of Man at in a,
where he's now fled.

Hey, in our defense,

we didn't know
it was blackmail info.

So your defense is
you're stupid.

I'd also like to say that
in my defense, he's stupid.

So what are you doing here?

You're not
domestic law enforcement.

The better question
is what is Ray doing here.

Oh, my God,
Ray really did flip.

- This is hopeless.
- Now, hang on one minute.

Just because Ray sucks
doesn't mean we do too.

I've done more living
in the past day

than I have in years,
and I don't intend to stop now,

so to borrow a phrase,

"Let's get it together
and kick some II-Ass."

And you know what?

While we're at it,
I have an announcement to make.

I'm ready
to start dating again.

You haven't dated since Lana?

What? You wait one year

for every month
you dated someone.

No, it's the opposite
of that.

Know when to stop talking,

Oh, God, I miss this.

Please, never learn that.

God, thank you so much, Cyril.

- It just feels so good...
- To laugh?

To not be you.

Made in Georgia.