Archer (2009–…): Season 13, Episode 3 - Saturday - full transcript

Lana: But it's Saturday.

Fabian: [Gasps] It is?

Then I'll ask
all the terrorists

who threaten
to destroy our world

to take the day off.

I just mean I had plans
to spend the day with AJ.

Fabian: And AJ is?

My daughter.
Fabian: Ah, children.

The time goes so fast,

but we're all
making sacrifices.

[Glass clinking]
Excuse me, waiter?

More champagne
in the next one.

Uh, yeah, remind me.
What's your sacrifice?

Calling you on a Saturday.

It's a simple pickup.
An hour Max.

- Especially with...
- No, no, no.

Please don't say it.

Agent Archer as backup.

Archer on a Saturday?

As in the day
after Friday night?

I don't see the problem.

[Chuckles] Obviously.
Have you talked to him yet?

No, actually.

He hasn't picked up the phone
for some reason.

Oh, yeah, "for some reason."

[Cool jazz music]

[Phone buzzes]


[clears throat]
Hey, Archer.


Main title theme...


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*ARCHER (2009)*
Season 12 Episode 03

Episode Title: "Saturday"
Aired on: September 07, 2022.

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Duration: 2 min 15 s.


Oooo, tostitos.

Can you grab the baby gifts?


Walk to mommy.


What did I miss?

She took her first steps!

Can she do it again?

Her first steps??

For me???

I missed it?

I stepped away from the bowl
for two seconds.

I was supposed to read a poem.

We're good.

Ok, I'm telling you,
it's her sister.

And you call yourself
my sister.

There it is. There it is.
We're back on top!

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What happened?

Oh, you missed it.
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Archer: Yes,
a shower was necessary, Lana.

It was a night of many fluids.

First of all, gross.
Archer: It really was.

Second of all, hurry up.

I had a whole special day
planned with AJ.

Coney island,
a fancy tea place.

Archer: Moist yet first skin
doesn't just happen, Lana.

I'm on step two of ten.

Hey, do you see
a pumice stone out there?

Fabian wants us to pick up
a negotiation specialist.

Codename: The broker.

He's worked
with all the mAJor players;

Mafia, yakuza, dictators,
dirty cops.

[Gasps] Cops!

There was something
with police last night.

[Rock music]

Whoo-hoo! Police horse!
[siren wailing]

[Horse whinnies]

there's no way that happened.

Archer: Then explain
these Lance callouses.

Anyway, the broker's
a longtime go-between

for criminal groups,
which means he has intel

on all of them.
But now he's retiring,

so they all want to torture him
for info and then kill him,

which means your shower routine
could cost a man his life

and me my day with AJ.


Archer: [muffled] Sorry,
step five is a face wash.

Let's skip to step ten.
[toilet flushes]

[Archer yells]

It's not a big deal, Robert.

Just take AJ to the office
instead of my place.

Robert: It's not about
the physical distance, Lana.

It's the emotional distance
from you working

instead of spending time
with AJ.

I'm not working.

I just wanna show AJ
where mommy works.

Depressing even if true.

- Shut up.
- Robert: Is that Archer?

- No, it's...
- Hey, Robert.

I wanna remind you,

these are formative years
for AJ.

One day you'll look back
and wish...

That you didn't tell me
how to parent?

I agree.
[phone beeps]

So since you are working...

Love the lying to Robert,
by the way...

Who exactly
is taking care of AJ?


Lana: Yeah, Pam,
I'm really sorry. I...

No, I mean, this is amazing.

Aunt Pam is gonna plan
so many great activities.

Not to go all Ms. Frizzle,
but I might steal a bus.

Lana: Just be at the office
in 15 minutes, okay?

And one other thing...

- Hello, Pam. Where is...
- Lana's upstairs.

She just sent me down to get AJ
to bring her upstairs

to Lana, who we've established
is upstairs.

And she can't come
down because...


- Got her period.
- Oh.

That's a few days early
for her,

so I guess
she would be unprepared.

AJ, you ready to come along
with aunt Pammy?

I don't want to call you that.

We've been working
on boundaries.

Oh, that's okay.

I'll just have to earn it

with activities!

Activities with Lana?


All right, there's the broker.

But fabian says he's paranoid,
so don't spook him or...

Hey, broker!
Broker, over here.

[Sighs] Damn it, Archer.

I'm too hungover
for subterfuge, Lana.

Uh, are you broker,
or possibly "the broker"?

Depends on who's asking.

Vagueness, that's fun.

Hi. Look, we're here
on orders from fabian.

Orders? Someone has the two
of you working on a Saturday?

- How awful!
- Ugh, do not get me started.

I had a whole day planned
with my daughter.

And I planned last night
around a day

that would let me lay
passed out near, but not in,

- a pool of vomit.
- Oh, how dreadful!

My sympathies
to the both of you.

Oh, it's okay. I just...

Wait, how did we get on this?

Fabian wants us to take you in.

Oh, fabian sent you.

Oh, my apologies.

You see, as a negotiator,

I often get people
to talk about themselves

as a distraction
if I need an easy escape.

I call it "instant intimacy."

Wait, so you weren't actually
sympathizing with me?

Oh, no,
with you, it was real.

But there are a lot of people
after me.

Can't be too careful.

Speaking of,
fabian and I had a code word.

Code word? Uh, one moment.

[Phone buzzing]

- [light music playing]
- ooh.

[Phone buzzing]

Might be hard
to get that info.

I have code phrase.

"This was a one-hour job,
and I have a gun."

Archer! But, yeah, sorry.
We are in a rush.

- Do you have kids?
- Ah, flash bang!

[Lana and Archer groaning]
Lana: Damn it.

- He got away.
- [coughs] Like I give a shit.

- What's my one rule?
- [sighs] No more flash bangs.

No more flash bangs.

My otolaryngologist
already said

I'll be lucky
if I'm not deaf by 50.

He's going for the platform.

[Exciting music]

Biker: What the hell?

Hey, pal, I'm the one
who should be mad.

This is a shit bike.

[Engine rumbling]


Jesus, shouldn't these be
motorcycle accessible by now?


[both yelling]

Damn it. Hey!

Has anyone seen
a mischievous little man?

Yay high?
Strange air of sophistication?

[Lana clears throat]
Lana? How did you...

I got on the train, Archer.

The "being good at your job"

Ooh, that one's fun.

It teaches you animals
in English

and en español.

Uh, they used puerco for pig,
but cerdo is more common.

This one's a coloring book.

when is my mom getting here?

[Elevator dings]

Pam? AJ?

Cyril? Why are you here?

just burning the midnight oil,

but midday.
That midday oil.

And why are you dressed
so casually?

Fine, Pam, you got me.

Sometimes I come in on weekends
to be at work

but feel like I can goof off.

Well, why don't you just...

The thought of goofing off

during real work hours
terrifies me.

[Chuckles] Lame.

I wanna do something else.

Like play
with a pretty Dolly maybe?

- Ha! Hyah!
- Ah! [Groans]

[Chuckles] Fyi,
she's working on boundaries.

That's a good boundary.

And it gives me an idea.

Well, the thing
you have to understand

is I'm an amateur marathoner,

so it's easy for me
to outrun people.

Maybe average people, not me.

Says the guy I just outran.

Ha! Getting on a train
doesn't count.

I'm sorry we chased you,

but we do work for fabian.

He's just hard to reach
on a Saturday.

- Must be nice.
- Well, I'm still alive,

so I'm inclined to believe you.

But let me ask,
as agents for fabian,

do you think he's being honest
about his intent to help me?

Aha! You don't trust him.

- It's not...
- Not at all. 0%.

- Well, time to run again.
- Wait.

There are people out there
who actually want to kill you,

and they could be anywhere.

The broker's coming with us.

No! He comes with us.

[Tense music]

Does no one
take the weekend off?

Okay, clearly a lot happening.

Can we just do
a quick roll call?

- Nyet.
- Copy that, Russian mafia.

Well, god damn it, Dmitri.

- Eh, can we get a move on here?
- Oh, and classic mafia.

Thanks, everyone.

Looks like we have
Mexican standoff.

we don't use that term anymore.

Plus, none of us
want to kill each other,

so it's more of a multicultural
awkward dinner party.

Can you not antagonize
the mobsters?

Big hand friend is smart.

Now, give us broker
and no one gets hurt.

Except broker, obviously.

Hey, new idea.

I keep the broker,
and everyone else gets hurt

because he's under the
protection of sterling Archer.

The world greatest spy.

I work for the agency.

Should that mean something?

- [Gun cocks]
- Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Might I suggest an alternative
where no one gets hurt,

especially me?
I mean, I get it.

No one wants their secrets out.
I'd want me dead too.

oh, it's nothing personal.

For sure. You are okay guy.

Look, comrade, I get it.
I mean, I've got secrets too.

Gosh, if people knew
that my grand-meemaw

still makes dinner
for me every Sunday...

Oh, my babushka does too.

Come on, so does my nonna.

Every Sunday night, she makes
a parmigiana could blow the...

Oh, damn it.
He did it again.

Hey, did you know
he runs marathons?

He must bring that up a lot.

- Ah, a lot.
- Everyone, stop.

- We want the broker.
- Ha, get in line, buddy.

Hiros hi!
Oh, we haven't seen the yakuza

since the Seattle negotiation.

And now we have to outrun
a marathoner

and three
criminal organizations

- on a Saturday, Lana!
- No, we don't.

I put a tracker on the broker
while we had him.

Because we always lose them.

Ready, AJ?
I'm not gonna go easy on you

just because you're a... ah!

- Whew. Let's go again.
- Damn, AJ.

Where'd you learn to fight?

My mom signed me up
for judo classes

to help my self-confidence.


You know, there's such a thing
as too much confidence.

Now remember, AJ,

your opponent won't always
fight clean,

so it's good to mix in
some dirty boxing.

Eyes, throat, groin.

Or standard boxing,
hold the dirt.

- AJ: Yah!
- Ooh! [Whimpers]

[phone rings]

Iana: Hey, Pam,
we're still on mission,

but we should be done soon.
How's AJ?

She's playing with cyril.

No, no, no, no, no!

Toying with him anyway.

Can you tell her I'll only
be gone a little bit longer?

Plus her next few birthdays
and most holidays.

Pam: Uh, you want me to say
that second part?

Cyril: Ah!

Hmm. Too easy.
[phone beeps]

Can we do something else?

[Ominous music]

I'm not sure Krieger's lab
is the best place

- for a child.
- Preteen.

And why are you still in pads?

That last throw...
Which I let you do...

- Jammed the zipper.
- It'll be fine.

Just don't touch anything
or listen to anything

that tells you to free it.

[Door buzzes]
Dang it, locked.

Probably for the best.
Now who wants...

My mom always keeps
an extra Bobby pin in her hair,

so I do too.

Is it normal to be
intimidated by a child?

For you? Absolutely.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

The tracker says
he's in there.

So now I'm at coney island
without my daughter.

it's not a good look for you.

- [Gasps] Oh, my god!
- You see him?

- Oh, I see him.
- We are mid-mission!

Archer: And mid-Saturday!

[Ominous music]

Is that a raman spectrometer?

Maybe. How do you know that?

Mom sent me to science camp.

It was right after
musical theater camp.

We did a production of "stomp!"

Aunt Pammy would love
to see that!

Not calling you that,
and I don't perform on command.

- Great boundaries!
- Whoa.

A sensory deprivation tank?

But why does it have
so many wires?

AJ, no!

- Cyril: Ah! It's opening!
- Kill whatever comes out.

[Gasps] What day is it?

- It's... Saturday.
- What year?

The same one.

You are unbelievable.

I know, winning poinkers
on my first try?

You know
how impressive that is?

They glue those bottles down,

I'll be impressed
if you help me find the broker

and get back to AJ.

I actually got this for AJ.

I know what it's like to have
a mother who's neglectful...

[fabric tearing]

And withholding.

Wait, there he is.
Archer: Ugh, can we not?

[Exciting music]

- [Archer grunts]
- Ah!

[Winces] Ah!

I'm glad it's you two.

- You seem like my best option.
- Of all bad options.

But fabian's better
than the criminals

- who want to kill you.
- Eh, tough call.

Stop making this take longer!

I've already lost
half the day with AJ.

Half the day of one weekend.

It's not one weekend.

There's always some mission
or emergency

or moron
who won't take our help...

No offense... I just feel like
I'm blowing it as a mother.

- I know how you feel.
- You have kids?

Oh, god, no.
Had an absent mother.

It drove me to a life of crime.

Please? Please, Pam?

Okay, just this once.

This feels like
really bad babysitting.

- We're not giving her a gun.
- It's okay.

Grandma gave me
shooting lessons

every year for my birthday,

except when I was in Europe
because she said,

"they traded the right
to bear arms

for having limp fries."

but no automatic weapons.

[Epic music]

[Growling, hissing]

Nobody move.

- [Snarling]
- Aw, hi there, kitty.

- AJ, you shouldn't...
- Rah!

That's what you sound like.

Aw, look how ferocious you are.
[babou purring]

A ferocious little predator.

What in the damn
zookeeper hell?

[Gasps] Language, Pam.

- What are you doing here?
- It's Saturday.

Babou likes to use weekends
to Mark new territory.

So that means
the shooting range

- is now covered in ocelot urine?
- Yeah!

Let's say it's just
the shooting range.


Alarmingly good grouping.

Holy crap!
Who are you, even?

It's just a hobby.

Seriously, who is this kid?

- [Alarm blaring]
- Hmm, that's weird.

How does it not worry you?

Most things don't worry me,
and I don't know

what you're talking about,
so those two reasons.

I mean the idea
that we're ruining AJ.

Lana, a million things
will ruin AJ.

Us, weird friends,
a bad week at summer camp.

Wait, that's your answer?
"she's already ruined"?

I loved my summer camp.

I keep my jogging shoes
in the basket I made.

We get it, you run!

We're all messed up
by something, Lana.

There's murderers
with great parents.

All you can do
is what you're already doing.

Try your best
and hope you get lucky.

That... actually helps
a little.


Hey, Pam, we've got the broker.
Everything's fine.

We'll be back at the office
in ten minutes.

Pam: Cool.

Uh, might want to make it

Oh, boy.

Why would all these
criminal organizations

go to our office?

Maybe because
an idiot told them who he was

and where he worked.

I mean, that's one option.

To be clear,
we're driving toward a building

full of people who want
to torture and kill me?

- Correct?
- I don't wanna put plans

in their mouths, but probably.

Then I'll be getting out now.

You didn't check him
for weapons?

It's Saturday!

You can just pull over

Oh, shoot me.

I am saving my daughter,
you jackhole.

No sense dying
for her daughter.

Uh, technically
she's my daughter too.

You two have
a child together?

Yes, but not through sex.

This woman took my sperm
to have a baby.

- Lana: Oh, my god.
- Go on.

and then she never told me.

I told you when I was ready.

After AJ was born
during a coup.

Not that you cared,
because you abandoned her.

So you faked a kidnapping
to make me care?

Only the first kidnapping.

The other one was real.

she's back from Switzerland,

she barely knows me
as a father,

and her mother
is going through a divorce.

You know what?
We gotta save this kid.

[Engine roars]

I is ten up, people.

Until Archer and Lana get back,

as the babysitter,
I'm in charge.

- Yeah, of the kid.
- You wanna try me?

Not yet, but keep yelling!

You three,
load up in the armory

then run and gun these mofos.

- AJ, "mofos" means...
- I know.

I'll find AJ a place to hide
until it's over.

Over meaning we win?


[Intense music]

[Guns cocking]


Ah, not this again.
Oh, well.

[Guns cocking]

Wait, wait, wait.

We all want same thing, yes?

The broker dead and bloody.

Then maybe we work together,

Oh, come on, look at us.

The broker connecting us
one last time.

This guy's the glue, you know?

God bless
that soon-to-be dead man.

[Elevator dinging]

Can't you rig up an explosive

that will take them out
all at once?

no backseat bomb building.

Yeah, we didn't tell you how
to make your terrible ties.

you think I make my ties...

[elevator dings, gunfire]


AJ, I need you to hide
in the lab.

But I can help.

I swear, I'm ready.

I know you are, honey,
but you shouldn't have to be,

so Pam's got this one,

whether you call her
aunt Pammy or not.

[Cracking knuckles]
All right, fellas!

Don't tell mom the babysitter's
about to kick your ass!

[All grunting]


Taking a lot of bullets here.

Do you want me
to rush this bomb?

but I don't love being shot.

And I don't love criticism.

Wait, wait, wait, you didn't
isolate the blast radius.

It'll take us all out...

[coughs] How are we not dead?

I built it so all the murder
went that way.

Are you
our demolitions expert now?

It's more of a hobby/religion
for me.

Come out, little girl.

Ivan will not hurt you.

Ivan will just trade you
for broker...

And give puppy.

You like puppy, huh?

[Babou growling, Ivan screaming]

This is for making me

come to the office

on a Saturday!
[both groaning]

Sorry. Apologies.
Jacob, always a pleasure.


[Gun clicks]

[Gun clicks]

Tell me where my daughter is,

or I will rip out your eyes,
shove them up your ass

so that you watch my fist
punch down your throat.

I don't even know
who you are.

- Ah!
- Mommy!

- AJ!
- Ah!

Sweetie, what did we say
about gunfights?

- Serpentine!
- Oh, how adorably competent.

Right, drop your guns.
Do it!

- Bombs too?
- Cheryl.

All right, let's all be cool.

Said the man holding my child

- as human shield.
- Preteen.

This is a babysitter's
worst nightmare.

Yeah, you're definitely
not getting a tip.

No, no, no, no, no,
let's all settle down.

Big Tony, this isn't like you.

I know, it's just,
this didn't go down

like I thought it would,
all right?

So more problems with Angie?

She wants a big wedding, and
all the guests are her friends,

[phone rings]

Damn it!
[shoes tapping rhythmically]

- Is that an Irish jig?
- Dance camp.


Damn it, if they kill him,

we wasted a whole Saturday
for nothing.

AJ, honey, I'm so sorry,

I'll stay with aunt Pammy.

Sh-she called me aunt Pammy.
I earned it!

- [Elevator dings]
- He went this way.

I'll get my car
and meet you outside.

I'm pretty sure I left it
in the garage last night.

Hmm, but not totally sure.

[Horse whinnies]
Sergeant strawberry!

- [Horse whinnies]
- Is that a... oh!

Yes, Lana, it's a Lance!

Lana: That's them up there.

Ugh, could you ride
a little smoother?

Sure, Lana, let me shift
sergeant strawberry's gears.

[Glass shatters, metal crunches]


Here, take the reins.

- [Archer yelling]
- I'm only saying, Dimitri...

[Archer laughing]

Was that like 20 feet?
That's gotta be a record.

I don't know,
felt closer to ten.

Hey, you have running.

Let me at least have this.

[Elevator dings]

Broker, I'm thrilled
to see you alive.

It's one
of my favorite things to be,

second only to wine tasting
at your vineyard, of course.

- How's the harvest?
- Ah.

If the mildew doesn't get
my sauvignons,

the beetles will.

Then we must hurry to get
those grapes in a glass.


Oh, how I've missed you.

- [Chuckles]
- Okay, what's your trick?

And does it work
on daughters?

Instant intimacy?
Well, the trick is,

there is no trick.

I connect
because I genuinely care.

Like how you both care
about your daughter.

See, Lana?
The criminal negotiator

- thinks we're good parents.
- Mm, not what he said.

- Wait, where's AJ?
- She's fine.

She wanted to wait
in grandma's office.

[Cool music]

That had better be juice.


AJ, I'm so sorry.

I wanted this to be
your best Saturday ever.

But it was.

I saw your office
and played with babou

- and fired a gun and...
- Pam!

What matters
is we're all safe.

The takeaway here
is she called me aunt Pammy.

And we all helped babysit,
which deserves compensation.

- You're a multimillionaire.
- But I'm not a chump.

Amen, sister!

- Can we watch cartoons now?
- I would love that.

Oh, god, yeah, it's juice.

Oh, my god, I still taste it.

Someone get me some whiskey.


Made in Georgia.