Archer (2009–…): Season 13, Episode 1 - The Big Con - full transcript

Just give it up, Fabian.

Ow!

Aww, man.

Dang it.
This was my year

for the Agent Skills
Competition.

I put it on my vision board
and everything.

- Next to the sunset?
- Above the sunset.

Wow. I can't believe
that didn't work.

Well, maybe next time...
And I know this sounds crazy...

You could try not sucking.

Well, you don't have to be
a dick about it.



Have to? No.

But then I wouldn't
be able to tell you

that the Treaty of Versailles
called,

and it wants its total failure
to achieve any

of its stated goals back.

Also, it's sorry about Europe.

Well, if you're so great,
why is your intel so bad?

My name's not Fabian.

Oh, I know that.
That's my boss's name.

Yelling it gets me in the mood
to shoot people

that I pretend are him.

- Well, you got lucky.
- Sure.

Though, in a mirror maze,
maybe consider

not putting on a gallon
of cologne that smells like...



Gasoline
and decaying hobo foot.

Ow.

- Now what was that for?
- You're still wearing it.

Hello, Clandesti-con,

where spying meets
sweaty buffet food.

Who wants a brochure for IIA,

the soulless company
that is making us do this?

Come on, Lana.
Let's have some fun with it.

We'll take these lemons
and make...

Concentrated citric acid
to spray in our own eyes?

I have some in my purse
if you need it.

This isn't so bad.
When I temped at IIA,

they were trying
to increase productivity,

so they docked your pay if you
peed more than twice a day.

Ugh. I hate this company.

Nice job in the competition,
Archer.

Though calling your opponent
"Fabian" raised eyebrows.

These two specifically.

Well, despite the fact
that you're praising me,

which makes it nearly
impossible for me

to not like you, I still
definitely wanna murder you.

Today is a crucial day
for all of you.

We are launching The Agency

as a distinct boutique branch
of IIA.

Wait, really?
We'll have autonomy?

Yes. Exactly as much autonomy
as Kermit the Frog.

Yo, you think Miss Piggy
is abusing him?

I know she plays rough, but...

I get the feeling
he enjoys it.

Who wouldn't?
Roughed up by a pig in jewelry.

No. I mean you'll be
a thin piece of fabric

with my hand up your ass.

Where's your sense of wonder?

IIA represents 60%
of private spying,

but some clients
are too mired in the past.

They want a personal touch.
Authenticity.

That's what you lot are for...
To fake that.

So pretend we're independent
to make IIA more successful

and allow you
to ruthlessly exploit us.

Welcome to the concept
of a job.

Now, I'm giving the keynote
for the conference later today:

A speech entitled
"Leadership as a Network."

You can't just say
"noun as a different noun"

and pretend
that it means something.

Sure I can. I call it
"language as a weapon."

Now, Archer, you need to win

the Agent Skills Competition

if we're going to launch
The Agency properly.

By the way,
the board hates the idea.

They'd rather you were
completely broken up

and redistributed.

So, Archer,
our fate is in your hands.

- Well, sayonara, guys.
- Oh, boy.

You know what?
I'll be honest with you.

That's a responsibility
I take very seriously.

Round of Glengoolie Blues,
please.

I'm looking for one of you

to take the mantle
of leadership.

Under me, of course.
So dot, dot, dot.

Are the dots supposed
to make me love stickers?

Damn it! I should be in
the competition with Archer!

No, Lana. I need you here,

front and center.

And don't be afraid
to get out there

and really be diverse.

Remember, a personal touch.

You heard him, sweetheart.

A personal touch.

Hey, would you like
some stickers?

- They're edible.
- They don't look edible.

Anything's edible
if you try hard enough.

Aww, lucky.

Should we do something?

Like make popcorn? Or what?

Now where is she going?

I think you got me.

See? You just get me.
I do feel a responsibility

to keep my mother's legacy
alive,

but on the other hand, now I
don't have to worry about being

yelled at by the one person
in the world who scares me.

So do I go with responsibility,
or do I go balls to the wall?

Or, more accurately,
balls to the wall

then through that wall
into an adjoining wall

that's probably load-bearing.

So... which is it?

I'm thinking.

I thought that was you,
Lana.

- Finally.
- Robert? What the hell?

Did you just fly
all the way to Dubai

to hear me say,
"Talk to my divorce lawyer"?

Yes. And was on the way
to Abu Dhabi.

Now, I get that I'm the one
who's mostly at fault here...

- Mostly?
- But you aren't blameless.

And we need to think about
what's best for AJ.

Oh-ho-ho. Is that
why you nailed that skank?

For AJ? What, were you looking
for a parenting book

between her piss flaps?

No. That's not where
they keep those.

What are you even
worried about?

We signed a prenup.

Well, there is the issue
of custody.

Excuse me?

I'm just being realistic.

It was your job
that got AJ kidnapped.

To a judge, that sounds
like an unsafe environment.

And if they put AJ
on the stand,

are you 100% sure
she chooses you?

Why do you have teeth marks
on your elbow?

I'll show you.
Do you like stickers?

I'm sensing you need space.

- What?
- Shouldn't you be

back at the booth?

No, because what I do
is kick ass.

And I should be
in the competition

so I can take over
when Archer screws up.

Come, now. Archer is reliable
when he needs to be.

He's resting right now
for his next round.

Uh, did he specify
the type of round?

Whoo-hoo!

I'm not totally convinced
that's a downside.

It's like his liver absorbs
alcohol and excretes luck.

Having said that, you can stay
in the competition.

Thank you.
I was going to anyway,

you absolute turd.

But thank you.

The competition
is basically a formality.

I'm generally considered
the world's greatest spy.

Yes. You absolutely were.

You know, I used to be a spy
just like you.

Oh, who'd you spy for,
the Etruscans?

Hmm. Indeed.

In this biz, one minute,
you're the greatest thing

since the 3:00 p.m.
dinner special,

and the next,
dog shit on a bun.

My advice?
Buy mustard, lad.

Why would I buy mustard
to eat myself?

So you think about that.

Ugh. Why are you
in such a great mood?

Why don't you ask your face?

My face says Robert's
gonna fight for custody of AJ.

Um, can he do that?

Well, when you have
that much money,

turns out you can pretty much
do anything.

Why is AJ not picking up?

A kid not picking up
a phone call?

Weird.
Did you try her telegraph?

Or lighting the signal fires
of Gondor?

Why is everything
so complicated?

Because you're divorcing one
of the world's richest men-

slash-ex-boss who wants custody
of the daughter you had

- with a different coworker.
- Well, sure, but...

All while you work
for a corporate behemoth

that seems to be trying
to take over the world.

Yes. All of that. I guess.

Well, I discovered the answer
to all those problems, Lana.

It's simple, it's easy,

and it's right at the bottom
of this glass.

Well, it wasn't at the bottom
of that one,

But I'm no quitter.

Behold, an audio bug.

Ooh.

And that's all it does.
The wonders of IIA science.

A microphone.
Truly groundbreaking...

For 1876.

Hey, what's that new one
you're working on called?

The wheel?

Got 'em good, Ikari.

I am working on something
called The Wheel!

But it's a sex thing...

that I can't build at work.
And you call that justice?

Okay, look, I get it.

IIA might not be
the "cool upstart rebel,"

but this ain't
The Breakfast Club,

and Judd Nelson doesn't end up
with Molly Ringwald.

He ends up at the bottom of
a lake wearing concrete shoes

with my frickin' initials
on them.

That's the power of IIA
with The Agency

as your personal concierge.

I'm intrigued.

And tell them Ray Gillette
sent you.

Wh... stealing my customers?
Really?

You think that'll get you
Mallory's chair?

All's fair in love and...

- Ow!
- Ahh!

Damn it!

Where the hell'd
you come from?

A good leader always keeps
tabs on his team.

So spying on us?

How is it that passing out
brochures

is somehow beyond you?

And why are you standing there
nodding?

I said I wanted leadership.

You look like a bobblehead
they give away

to raise awareness
for diabetic librarians.

Technically, I'm prediabetic.

Oh, what are we gonna do
about that guy?

Complain and then nothing?

This is fun.
Ask me another one.

Here's some fun.
I just put a bug on Fabian.

If we get dirt on him,

maybe then he'll approve
my design for the gun bomb.

You see, it looks like a gun...

Or improve
working conditions.

Yeah. We were promised
curated snacks.

At this point, your blood's
just melted Otter Pops, huh?

Well, you guys have fun.

I'm off to find the best part
about every convention:

The party room.

Oh, if Fabian comes back, tell
him he can gnaw on my chode.

Yeah, I'm not gonna
tell him that.

Come on. Let's hear
some bottles popping,

maybe some fun squishy noises.

Whoa. Now, that's contraband.

Not following you.
I'm not following you.

Just checking stuff out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who's ready to Pam-page?

Oh. Wrong party.

Hey, get her!

I need to party at work
more often.

We are gonna crush
this next event.

Whoa. Lana.

High-fiving
is one of those things

you should never do when drunk,

like bomb disposal
or helping deliver a baby.

Haven't you done
both of those?

That's how I know.

All right. Now, nobody worry,

'cause Archer and I
have been resting...

- Ahh!
- Shit!

Guys, there was a room.

Guns... lots.

Like, they're probably coming.

Kind of sounds
like you're coming.

Kaboom!
That's a new thing I do.

No, you don't. And it doesn't
even sound like that.

- How would you know?
- Solid burn.

But Pam,
look at the security here.

They don't allow guns
on the floor,

so what would they even do?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, guys.

Something's happening
with Fabian.

No!
You'll pay for this!

You'll never take me alive!

Okay, so you took me alive.

So, uh... what?

Okay, now that we've had
a moment to process... what?

Why are they kidnapping him?

They're probably trying
to humiliate IIA.

It's right before his speech,

so they'll have to admit
he's kidnapped,

and if they can't protect
their own,

then how are they gonna
protect you?

Then they parade him,
and then they kill him.

What?
We were all thinking it.

Does this solve everything?

Yeah, except he said that
the board would break us up

and redistribute us.

Wait, are we actually
gonna save Fabian?

No.
We're gonna save Fabian.

You two have to win
that competition.

We still need a splash
for The Agency.

Plus if you dropped out,

the kidnappers
will know something's up.

Ugh. I really wish
I hadn't had that many drinks.

Me too, but the opposite.

So what's your next event?

Nearing the drop zone.

If you are to die,
please take comfort in the fact

that it will not upset me
at all.

Ugh. Oh, I'm gonna puke.

Wow. Is it Dartmouth freshman
orientation already?

Seriously, if you were any more
of a lightweight,

you'd be levitating.

Should we be, like...

More concerned about
this Fabian thing?

Nah.
The rest of the gang is on it.

Well, we could...

Ooh, or we could, um...

I hate to ask,
but who got kidnapped again?

Still no call back from AJ.

Okay, I'll just text her and
tell her that I'll take her out

this weekend
and do whatever she wants.

Wrong.

You just demanded more time
from her,

and now she just resents you.

Text her that you were
just thinking of her

and how proud you are.

Then write,
"No need to respond."

How do you know this stuff?

It helps
that I've never moved

past emotional adolescence.

This event is very simple.

Five briefcases.
Five spots in the finals.

No weapons. Any question?

Whoo-hoo!

Johnny Utah!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Pardon me. Pardon me.

Oh, 'scuse me. Pardon me.

Falkor, away!

Oh, ahh!

I guess we're interpreting
"no weapons" pretty liberally.

Ahh! Disgusting!

Uh, let's not tell anyone
about this.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Decent trade.

Altitude warning.
Pull now.

- Ahh!
- You big baby.

Just use your backup chute.

Unless we were way lower
than I thought.

Really should have been keeping
tabs on that.

Oh, well.

- Well, what?
- Well, catch me up.

You've been here
the whole time.

Quiet down.

We're trying to flirt our way
to finding out

who booked that conference room
full of dudes and guns.

And striking out. 0 for 2.

I don't know, y'all.
I can't get a read.

He's like
a sexual Rubik's Cube.

Or as I call it,
a Rubik's Cube.

Huh.
Maybe I should give him a try.

I've developed a sexual
nervous system stimulator

I call "The Wheel."

Okay, I'll bite.
Why is it called The Wheel?

Because once it gets rolling,
there's no stopping it.

Any other ideas?

Literally anything.

Can I help any of you

in some way that does not
involve, and I quote,

"a hot beef enema"?

- That wasn't me!
- I panicked!

Just stand right there.
Hold on.

Keep standing.

Really,
I don't have time for...

- And you're overwhelmed.
- Oh. Oh. Ahh.

Ahh, ahh, ahh. Ahh!

Got it! Whoever booked
the conference room

- is staying in the Sultan Suite.
- Ahh! Ahh! Oh!

You ever lend that thing out?

Sure.
Just clear your schedule,

because it goes for, like,
a couple of days.

Oh.

So we enter,
clear the guards...

With what?
We don't have guns.

Guys, in the dealer's hall.

There's a ton of non-lethals
in there.

Tasers, air hammers,
something called a knife light.

Well,
then let's get sampling.

All right.
We're in the finals.

It's getting intense.
They tried to kill us up there.

- How are things here?
- Great.

We've located Fabian
and the kidnappers,

and we've got a plan
to get them back.

You do?
I was assuming you'd fail.

And why would you think that?

Because you're you?

- This was the plan!
- I didn't think it would work.

Are we really saving this guy?
He sucks.

I hate him, and he's gonna
make us do bad jobs

- for terrible people.
- You think I want this?

All I want is to do my job
and go home.

But if we get fired, that's not
gonna help my custody problem.

Custody problem?

If you need me to give Robert
a personal tour

of an industrial thresher,
say the word.

- No.
- Got it.

- No, you don't.
- Okay.

But, I mean, saving Fabian is
the only way we stay together.

- Right?
- We'll figure the rest out,

but not if we're separated.

Y'all... y'all are family.

Oh, my God.
Is this what it's come to?

Acting responsibly?

Ugh. Fine.
Let's go save a jerk's life,

thereby making the world
a worse place.

Yay for the good guys.

Should we even do
the competition?

If you drop out now,
the kidnappers will know

something's up and kill Fabian.

So what's the final event?

Gonne be hard
to top skydiving.

And now,

it's time to reveal
the final event

of the Clandesti-con
Agent Skills Competition.

Your final event will be

King of the Train!

Holy shit.

Forget responsibility.
I'm gonna be king of the train.

Stay on your toes.

One of us has to win
to keep The Agency alive and...

Uh, yeah. Whatever.

I'm gonna be king of the train.
Toot toot!

Ugh.
Everyone in position?

Yeah. But this stuff
from the dealer's hall

isn't the most intimidating.

I don't even know
what this does.

Yeah, we're gonna need
a few minutes.

I'll signal you
at the start.

Chances are,
they'll be distracted watching

the closed-circuit feed
of my glorious victory.

If you touch the ground

or get hit by a paintball,
you're out.

You start with no weapons,

but you may find some
at points on the train,

as well as a few surprises.

Now, the time has come

to find the most skilled agent
in the world.

Three. Two. One.

Begin!

Shocking.

Kaboom!

Ahh!

Whoa!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Oh, knife light! Now I get it.

Hold still,
Cirque du Suck Ass!

We're leaving. Nobody move,
or Fabian gets it.

Do what he says!

Archer! Duck!

Ooh.

Ugh.

God.
You couldn't just duck?

You know I have trust issues,
Lana,

which you are
partially responsible for.

- How?
- I don't know,

but it feels right!

Oh, now she has a jet pack
and a machine gun?

How is that fair?

- Still want that jet pack?
- I know you want me to say no,

but the answer is still yes!

We need backup!

They're bringing Fabian
to the floor!

- Throw me the gun!
- It's empty!

Just throw it to me!

Man, this is such
a bad idea.

Whoa!

Look out!

Everyone,
this is what we think of IIA.

Lana. Lana.

Do something!
Lana, I know you're faking.

No.
I'm very, very unconscious.

Why am I always
the responsible one?

And so I don't shoot Fabian
for me.

- I shoot him for...
- Ahh!

What an amazing
performance.

Congratulations
to the king of the train,

Agent Lana Kane,

representing The Agency,
a boutique subsidiary of IIA.

- God damn it.
- Thank you.

Thank you. You're too kind.

And great work by The Agency.

Now, that was obviously

a fake kidnapping
and assassination,

but they didn't know that.

In fact, this was
the demonstration portion

of my talk,
"Leadership as a Network."

I turned this unruly bunch into
a finely-honed fighting force.

Sterling Archer himself stepped
between me and a bullet

despite the fact
that he hates my guts.

That is the power
of leadership.

Well, thank you all

for helping me with my speech.

So who gets to be
head of The Agency?

I gave away the most brochures.
Kaboom.

Jesus, Cyril. Not the time.

But it's me, right?
See me lead that mission?

Actually,
it's Agent Gillette.

So, uh, what?

Because he understood
the true mission.

He's been gathering dirt
on all of you for years,

which he has compiled
in this very convenient binder.

Like "Pam once snuck a goat
into the office.

- No one knows why."
- I was fostering it.

And the next week,
she brought in

goat meat tacos for everyone.

That goat's personality
was very toxic.

Well, I'm sure you have
a lot to talk about.

You backstabbing
son of a bitch.

In my defense, I did not know
he was gonna tell everybody.

Aww. Heh.

Look.

You know, you're good at this,
Archer.

It'll take time, but maybe you
should get more involved.

You're right.
And, you know,

I didn't wanna let you win,

but up there on the train,
I suddenly had this idea...

Being declared the best agent
in the world.

That's gotta help
your custody case for AJ.

And that keeps her in my life.

Aww. Buddy, that won't affect
the case at all.

They don't consider
that kind of thing.

God damn it. That's it!

I've learned
a very valuable lesson today.

Making the responsible choice
is for suckers.

Until now, I've been
the careful, restrained,

subtle, rule-respecting Archer.

- What?
- But that is over!

Welcome to the new Archer.

I'm gonna go find two bottles
of whiskey, three women,

a full-color illustrated
edition of the Kama Sutra,

and six gallons
of orange sports drink.

I will see you all
one: When I feel like it,

and two: In hell!

God damn it.

Made in Georgia.

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