Archer (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 7 - Caught Napping - full transcript

When AJ is kidnapped, it's up to Archer to get her back and keep Lana's rampage pointed in the right direction.

[ominous music]

archer: Where... Where am I?

Was a... Airplane?

I've been taken.
Step one: Find a weapon.

Ugh. Step two.

Sit up slower.

[bottle smashes]

step three. Find a...

- uh, I heard a... [yelps]

- hostage, I was about to say.

Great timing on my part.

You? Needs work, buddy.

- Why are...
- Say nothing.

- If you make a sound,

I will draw this surprisingly
nice champagne bottle

slowly across your jugular,

sending an arcing spray of
crimson life across the cabin.

Which would be a painful
but undeniably fancy way to go.

Pros and cons.

Now, not to get
all gort about it,

but take me to your leader.

All right.
Turn this plane around.

- Archer, what in the sam hill
are you doing?

- Reassessing?

This is your plane?

Then why did you drug me?

Are you doing
a secret villain thing?

'cause I think we've all
been expecting it.

- I didn't drug you.

- So you're telling me that
the good old boys

were drinking whisky and rye...


like mixed together?

- Archer, please just...

- I am concerned
about the mental health

of them good old boys.

[gasps] - what?

- Do you think their jobs
were levee-based?

Okay, while that may have

a certain surface-level

- think you might let him go?

- Oh, right.
- Asshole.

- Archer, I need you to be
a little less archer right now.

- Who could possibly want that?
- Aj, your daughter.

She was kidnapped
from her swiss boarding school.

We're on our way
to switzerland now.

- What? Aj?


no. No time for rampage.

Where's lana? - She's at home.

Because I... oh, god...

The thing is...
- You didn't tell her?

You are so murdered.

- I'm willing to accept that.

All that matters
is getting aj back.

And lana would be so devastated

that she would make this
whole thing so much harder.

- It's your funeral.

Though more likely,
it's your hastily dug hole

next to a conveniently located
drum of battery acid

okay. I'll need a team for this.

- That's why I brought them.

- Wow.
You didn't skimp, did you?

- We probably don't need
all of them

but I'm not 100% clear

what specific jobs
you all have now.

Seems kind of nebulous.

- Wait. Was everybody drunk?

- Oh, no. I drugged them.

- [snorts] lucky.

[main title theme]

♪ ♪

[pam screaming]

aj! Agh!

[growling] - yeah.

I thought she might react
like that.

- Pam, you need
to calm down so...

- [growling]
- [grunting]

ow, my... all of it.

- [growling]

aw, shit. Fine.

- You couldn't do that first?

- This is supposed
to knock out a rhino.

- Yeah, a bitch-ass one.

- Where'd you even get that?
- Oh, I don't know.

That big-ass pile
of guns and armor,

and is that a rocket launcher?

- I found an arms dealer,

but I didn't know
what you needed,

so I just asked him
for one of everything.

- Got it, need it, got it,

against the geneva conventions,
got it.

[phone ringing]
- ooh, what's that?

- Who's phone is that?
- It's not me.

I don't even know
where my phone's at.

- Holy moly.
I didn't put that there.

- Hold on. Oh.

You really did get
one of everything.

Okay, ready.

- Now, they told me
to come alone.

So everyone, silence please.


- I don't know who you are.

I don't know what you want.

But what I have is
a very general set of skills.

Honestly, I'm great
at everything.

But the thing I'll be best at

in my entire life
is hurting you.

Call it a hunch.

Sort of like
the hunch you'll have

after I splinter each one
of your vertebrae individually!

Where are you?

- [distorted voice] yeah, no.

Put the kid's father on.

- Well, I contributed
half her dna, so...

- Not you.
The one with the money.

- Hi.

I know you said to come alone,

but I was scared.

- Yeah, well, you guys
always do that.

It's basically de jure
at this point.

- Pro forma, idiot.

- I feel like he's not grasping

the power structure here.

- Well... well let me call
michel foucault

and get back to you.

- Oh, shut him up.

We need $100 million
in bearer bonds.

- Oh, well I'm sorry
to hear that.


Apparently foucault's
still dead.

- Man, he is exhausting.

- Yeah, but his heart's
in the right place.

I hope.

- Okay, so $100 million
in bearer bonds,

or you never see aj again.

Wait for instructions.

You get it? [phone disconnects]

- man, you screwed that up!

I was trying to keep them
on the phone

so krieger could trace the call.

- Oh, was I supposed
to be doing that?

- Damn it, krieger!

- This is basically
a tape recorder.

Where would I even find
a call tracer?

Oh. Here's one.

- Damn it, krieger!

I need every single one of you

to become the most competent
versions of yourselves.

We are not currently rampaging.

We will be cold.
We will be efficient.

And we will find these people!

- But what if we...
- Not now.

But when we find them,

we will go white hot supernova
blood rampage.

We will make "straw dogs"
look like clifford.

- I think...
- Shut up, cyril.

We have to figure out
where the kidnappers are.

- Y'all, what about that weird
sound on the call, though?

Maybe that's something.

- Finally someone
with something useful to say.

- But that's what
I was going to say.

- Pathetic.

And even if that were true,

I wouldn't have listened.

[tape rewinding] - bearer bonds

or you never see aj again.

[tape rewinds]
never see aj again.

[tape rewinds]
never see aj again.

- It might be possible
to isolate it,

but we'd need
advanced audio gear.

- Krieger, there's no time.

- I have a place nearby
we can use.

[bombastic jazz music]

- so, did anyone else know that
robert had a swiss jazz label?

- Or that swiss jazz was
a subgenre called swe-bop?

- I mean, it figures.

Switzerland is like
the jazz of countries.

It just keeps going and going,

and no one has any idea why.

- Uh, real sorry to interrupt.

You cats were really
boppin' and a-boopin'.

- Hey, anything for you, bobby.

- Rolph, see if you can isolate
the sound in the background.

Then maybe assume
a constant tone

and run a low-pass filter on it.

[knocking at door]

- just keep everyone out.

- No visitors right... [grunts]

[both grunt]

[dramatic music]

- lana! [chuckles nervously]

oh. How did you find out?

- Oh. I called her immediately.

- Me too.
- I did.

- Yep.
- Yeah.

- [sobbing] my granddaughter!

- Ugh. Stop.

You're getting
old-lady juice all over me.

- Lana, you have to understand...

- where are they?

Because I am going
to kill everyone

between here and there,

and then kill them.

And then kill you.

[together] called it.

- What have we got?

- I isolated that sound for ya.


pam: Hoofbeats?

- In the middle of winter?

- Are we even
in the right hemisphere?

- Duh, they're in st. Moritz
for white turf.

Ugh, it's so hard
to talk to poor people.

It's like there's gruel
in your ears.

White turf!

The biggest, hobnobbiest
rich person event

of the european snob season!


- What does that have
to do with hoofbeats?

[trumpet music]

[bell ringing]

[jockeys grunting]

- well, say what you will
about the swiss,

but, uh, they sure hate
the shit out of horses.

- The kidnappers won't contact
us for another 24 hours or so.

They'll go silent,
try to make us sweat it out.

- But that gives us
an opportunity.

- We kidnap them!
- We find them.

- We find them.
- Thanks, pam.

- On the call,
those hoofbeats seemed close.

Maybe they're involved
with the races.

Ray, you should have
a natural rapport with them

because you did that dumb
winter sports thing.

- Oh, you mean winning
an olympic bronze medal

in the giant slalom?

- Is that the one
with the brooms?

- N... you know it's not!

- Shut up, both of you.

Cheryl, robert,
work the reception.

If they're asking
for that much money,

they might be high rollers
in financial trouble.

- None of these
dumb euros like me.

You "ruin the vibe"
at one party.

- One party? That seems petty.

- I know!

And a total waste of that acid
I put in the punchbowl.

Lamest childhood leukemia
fundraiser ever.

- Um, where's ms. Archer?

She seemed pretty upset.

- She's in the hotel room

malory: The instant you see aj,

mow those kidnappers down

like it's a bad day
at the somme.


[sobbing] I hadn't given her

her first gun yet!

Wait. I did.

The cute little ruger.

- I gave her
a broken walkie-talkie.

- What do I do?

Just point me at someone,

and I'll rip 'em apart.


okay, okay. I get it.


you kiss your mother
with that dart?

- No one screw up.

Or I'll put your bones
in a blender and hit frappé!

- But that setting's

for large pieces.

[suspenseful music]

- remember, lana,

the rampage is a fierce
but delicate art.

- I agree with half of that.

- Look, I am your
rampage sherpa,

to help you reach the lofty
heights on mount rampage.

- Lana, we need to talk about...

- you do not get
to apologize to me.

- Uh, robert, you may want to
back up out of the blast zone.

- I respect you too much
to apologize.

- You were the one who suggested

boarding school in switzerland!

- And you agreed.

But you don't get to transfer
your motherly guilt

into a rage to soothe yourself.

- And you!

- I haven't done
anything wrong yet.

Which actually
is kind of amazing.

- You are rubbing off on him.

- Then why does he
still dress like that?

- Lana, let's get aj back,

then we'll have a long talk

about coparenting, emotional
boundaries, all of it.

I honor your perspective,

and I'm open to the idea
that I was wrong.

- [grunts]

- seriously,
how did you do that?

- How do I bond emotionally
even under tremendous stress?

- No, how did she not
shoot you in the foot?

That's how it
always ends with me.

- Honesty.

Also I heard about your feet

and got bulletproof shoes.

- I can learn so much from you.

[light jazz music]

- no problem. No problem.

Man: Brownie! Is that you?

- Not hearing things.

Jesus, do they just pump heroin
through the vents here?

- Brownie!
How's it sliding, homie?

Oh, pretty fly skis...

That you brought into
this party for some reason.

- [sighs] gerswan ramschluss.

- Nei. I call you brownie.

The color of your medal.

So you call me silvie.

- Well, I would.

But then I'd have
to stab my own vocal cords out

with a ski pole
for betraying me.

- Oh, don't be like that,

- Guess what?

I will be like that.

- With your rampage,
you have to start slow.

You need something
to build from.

Trust me. But quick question.

Why are we shaking down
a two-bit loan shark?

- The criminal world here
isn't big.

So, we shake him down
for a name,

any name,
and we work up the chain.

And if he won't give us a name,

I cordially introduce
his femoral artery

to a serrated hunting knife.

- I thought we didn't
do lethal force.

- Yeah, my position
on that has...

[gun cocks] evolved.

[man clears throat]

- hey. So, uh... Hi.

- [grunts]
- [yelling]

[glass shatters]

- pace yourself. Man: Ow!

- You're rampaging too soon.

And we need his mouth to work,


I guess I'll just find
a pen and paper then.

Robert: Okay...

We've just got to figure out

who here is
financially distressed enough

to commit a serious crime.

- Ugh, I'm bored.

Hey, is there like
a central location

that you pour
all the drinks out of?

Like a booze vat?

- Ah, ah, ah!

I have been warned
about you, miss tunt.

- That's not acid, is it?

- No. It's dmt, I think.

[phone vibrates]

- dang it.
I gotta pick up the bonds.

Can you manage?

Just find someone
who's broke and desperate.

Because of the kidnapping...
- The kidnapping.

I know. God.

- Because I think you cheated
at the olympics!

I was ahead of you
the whole way.

But at the last gate,

my binding came just loose
enough for me to go down.

And I think you loosened it!

So, your silver medal
is tainted.

- [laughing] oh, yeah.

Of course. I totally did that.

All's fair in love and war.

- This was neither
of those things!

- You know,
funny you should say taint,

because that's where I put
my medal while I sleep.

Chillax out.

Look, come to the stables
with me.

If you can unkink your asshole
for one second

and find a little
moral flexibility,

it might be worth your while.

- Um, where are you going?

- I may have just found a clue.

Or about to have the most
degrading hate sex of my life.

Which is saying something.

- [sighs] wow.

[man groaning]

He's reaching for the gun.

It looks like
he's going to get it.

- [groans, yelps] [bones crack]

- oh, he didn't get it.

So, your name is tibor.

You run the muscle in town.

That's them, I guess.

And something very, very bad
is about to happen to you.

- [grunts]

- here's the thing.
That wasn't it.

- You haven't even
asked me anything.

[gun cocks] - hey.

Can I ask you something?

- Wow.

Turns out we could
ask him something.

Jesus, it is colder
than shackleton's nutsack.

Why the hell
did you send aj here?

- Don't you start!
- Start what?

I'm happy to start something,
but I'd like to be aware of it.

- Just what robert said.

I agreed to send aj here.

Was I subconsciously getting
her out of the way

so I could concentrate
on my career?

- Lana, introspection
is the enemy of happiness.

So, my advice is, don't.

Always worked for me.

- Has it, though?
- [laughs]

I-I don't know.
That's the beauty.

- It is tough out there.

Who else spent all their money

on gold tiger cages?

Seriously, is there

a secondary market for those?

- [laughs]
why are you speaking with us?

- I'm just bonding with my
peers about how debts pile up

and sometimes you start
kidnapping people!

That thing we totally do

and talk openly
about as rich people.

[all huff]

conversation is a lost art.

[glass dinging]

everyone who's kidnapped
someone raise your hand!

Lana: I... [sighs]

I wanted to give aj the chance
to be who she wants to be

and still be who I wanna be.

Is that impossible? - Uh, lana?

- Am I undermining
feminism again?

- [choking]
- yeah, kind of.

- [coughing]

to be a woman is
to be constrained

in a nested series
of double-binds.

- God, that is so true.

Look, you're
the only fixer in town.

Anything strange come through
the last few days?

- Someone rented the warehouse

where they keep
the white turf equipment.

If it's kidnapping,
I want nothing to do with it.

I'll take you there.

- So, are you, like,

in a local stage production
of "the matrix?"

[horse neighing]

- are we going for this?

And do the horses have to watch?

Do we blindfold them, or...?

- What? No.

The people that I work for,

they do illegal things.

And we can use you
for ski smuggling.

We do other stuff as well!
Cool stuff.

Oh, and sometimes
kidnapping, hm?

- You do what now?

- Brigitte, thank you.

- You do not need
to find yourself.

You are that which is seeking.


- man, she's on a whole thing,

All right, so we go in,
surprise the kidnappers...

- do horrible things
to their bodies.

- Given. Then find aj.

- On three.
- But w-w-wait.

I'm picturing a kidnapper
grabs aj, right?

I take the final perfect shot.

Aj runs to me
with her arms outstretched

and probably calls me dad.

- That's your plan?

- Well, who put her
in switzerland?

- Oh, now we're doing that?

- One, two.

[door slams] [lights click on]

[guns cocking]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪


- Wondering when you'd get here.

- Peregrine, seriously?

Are you still mad
about that stupid statue?

- It took me weeks
to break out of that prison.

Weeks! Two, actually.

I'm very good.

- Get aj now!

Or I'll fill you so full of lead

that local kids' test scores
will go down!

- She's mad, but you get it.

- Where's my daughter?

- Good, yeah. That's simpler.

- Get the money,
and I'll send for aj.

[suspenseful music]

- ugh. Well, she's not dead.

[phone vibrates, beeps]

- yes, I have them.
Be right there.

- [gasps] go time?

- Go time!

- Go time!

Oh. You meant... whoops.

Well, I'll say hi
to the clockwork elves for you.

- They say that history

is written by the victors.

Well, I write it with the blood

and tears of those I destroy.

- Maybe you should get a
journal for this kind of thing?

- And then burn it.

- Lana, I must say.

Motherhood does not
agree with you.

It's so hard to watch
a good woman brought low

by an inability
to resist biology.

- Raaampaaa...
- N-n-not yet.

Wait for aj. [door slams]

- we've got your money.
Where's aj?

- Mommy!
- Honey, mommy's here.

It's gonna be okay.

- Leave the case
in the center of the room.

We will bring aj
and take the money.

Do not move until we leave.

- What is this,
the fox and the river puzzle?

- Just do it.

On second thought,

what if I take the money and aj,

raise her to be
the perfect assassin,

then gradually brainwash her
to kill you both

for thwarting my plans?

Now wouldn't that just be a gas?

That means shoot!

Sense the moment!


[horse neighs]

- krieger,
what are you doing here?

- Um... Creating
a kickass battle sleigh

with all the guns and armor.

- How did you know
that would be helpful?

- Helpful to what per se?
- Whatever.

We need a horse. [horse neighs]

- gerswan ran out with a horse.

So I did this.
And we didn't have sex.

- You and the horse?

[horse snorts]

- hyah! [horse neighs]

archer: We need speed!

[mechanical whirring]

[dramatic music]

malory: Good thing I brought
my hotwiring pliers.

Pam: Yeah.

Good thing I brought
my speedsuit.

- Is it?

♪ ♪


[mechanical whirring]

- we are not shooting
at my daughter!

- Aww. Not even a little?

- What else do you have?

[tranquilizer gun cocks]

[both grunt]

- damn it. Forget the money.

Get aj!

- Oh, I have the money.
Silly gerswan.

- One, two, three, go, herd!

- Boarding! Party of one!

Not going as planned.

- Rampage!
- [grunts]

- I hate to do this
in front of your daughter.

No, I'm kidding.
I very much like it.

[grunts] [horse neighs]

[aj screams] lana: Oh, shit.

- Always in the nick of... ah!

♪ ♪

[horse neighs]

lana: Whoa!

- [yelps]
- hand.

- Obviously, hand.

What was I gonna do,
stick out my foot?

- Damn it. Even now?

- Man, he's fast. Oh, wait.

[gerswan yelps]

- oh, scheisse!


- little problem
with your binding?

- Owah!
- Aww.

Tainted again.

[dramatic music]

- [screaming]

- lana!

♪ ♪

- [grunts]

- rampage!

♪ ♪

- no!

- Human airbag!
- Oof. [panting]

are you okay, baby? - Wow.

That was epic, mom.


- Oof.

Well, I wasn't using
that heart anyway.

[tense music]

lana: You took my daughter.
- [coughs]

go ahead. Send me to jail.

I'll only escape again.

I feel so alive! [coughing]

we could do this forever.

Cat and mouse.

Predator and prey.

- Or not that.


- I, uh... I think you got her.


[gunfire continues]

[gun clicking]

well, I'm glad I finally got

a literal demonstration
of overkill.

- She is exactly
the right amount of killed.

Unless... Got a spare vat
of battery acid?

- I'll call brigitte.

- And then mommy
jumped into the sleigh

and saved me, for real!

- Robert back on your good side?

- Well, I mean, look at him.

We have a pretty good
yin-yang thing going.

Ya know, with archer,
it was kind of double yang.

And it's good that only one
of us has this weird job.

- Well, when you're
this great at something,

never stop doing it.

You'll figure out the rest.

[glasses clink]

like how aj is great
at eating carbohydrates.

[light jazz music]

- you go into one
three-year coma

and suddenly everyone
forgets about you.

- Aj, meet sterling archer.

- Hey, uh...

- [sucking on juice]


- hey, aj.

Uh, we had a lot of very weird

and dangerous times together.

But you were probably
too young to remember me.

- No, I remember.
You're sleeping beauty.

That's what I called you.

I kissed you
so you would wake up.

It just took a while.

- You... you brought her
to visit me?

- Yeah.

It was really important to me

that she see sleeping beauty.

- That's not what
you called him.

I called him sleeping beauty.

You called him
a sperm-delivery device.

- I said that one time.

- Made in georgia.