Archer (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 6 - full transcript

[lounge music playing]

♪ ♪

‐ [clears throat]

[ice crunching]

♪ ♪

‐ Welcom
e to L'Orange.
I'll be your server, Kyle.

Our specials tonight‐‐

‐ Damn it, Kyle, are you blind?

We're in the middle
of a conversation.

‐ I'm so sorry.

I'll come back.

‐ Actually, I kinda wish
we'd heard the specials now.


This is fun.
So fun, right?

[main title theme]

♪ ♪

Robert: This was a doozy

of an idea, Archer.

I just love double dates.

‐ You're at a restaurant,

We can trade money
for food here.

Sorry about that, Gabrielle.

At his age,
Robert gets confused easily.

‐ If it's not
painfully obvious yet,

Archer is incredibly jealous
of my husband.

‐ Oh, yeah, I‐I desperately wish

I had liver spots
and eyebrows like haystacks.

‐ You know what?
‐ Look, why don't we just

acknowledge the elephant
in the room?

‐ That you have
borderline personality disorder

and desperately need help?

‐ I was talking, Lana,

about how incredibly gorgeous
Gabrielle looks tonight.

It's like somebody stuffed
103 pounds of "ka‐kow"

into a red golf sock.

‐ I couldn't agree more.

You look gorgeous, Gabrielle.

‐ Uh, honey, shut up.

So how did you two meet?

‐ We met in a study
my university is conducting

for individuals
who have been in a coma.

‐ Catch that, Lana?
‐ That you have brain damage?

‐ No, I mean the part
where Gabrielle is a scientist?

‐ Oh, are you
in science as well?

‐ [laughs] That's funny.

You see, Lana's parents
desperately wanted her

to be a scientist,
but she hated them.

And now they're dead.
‐ They're not dead.

‐ How would you know?
You're not a scientist.

‐ You know,
one of my foundations

is involved in neuroscience,

and we just did a study
on memory‐mapping neurons.

‐ Oh, I just read about that!

Let me ask you, did you agree
with their findings

on spatially tuned
memory trace cells?

‐ Slow down. Who am I,
Andrew Fielding Huxley?

[both laugh]

Gosh, oh, that's good.

‐ So have we decided
on a first course?

‐ I actually need
a little more time.

But, Lana, you're probably fine

with the first thing
you see, right?

[hits table]
‐ I'm just... [groans]

Going to go to the ladies' room.

Excuse me.

‐ Oh, I'll join you.
‐ [sighs] Great.

‐ Don't take too long, or I
might fall in love with Robert.

You know how fast it can happen!

Ha, I was joking,
obviously, Robert.

The eyebrows are a deal breaker.

‐ Oh, this
a beautiful restaurant.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Robert's great.
You're so lucky.

‐ Uh‐huh.
‐ So...

you know Archer from work?

‐ [laughs] What?

Wait a minute.
You're joking, right?

Archer didn't tell you
anything about us?

‐ Oh, just that
you work together,

that you're married to Robert,

that your jaw makes
this clicking sound

when you chew like...
[clicking tongue]

‐ Mm.

He didn't mention that we,
uh, I don't know,

have a child together?

‐ Get out of town!

You're AJ's mom?

‐ [groans]

Robert: So how's work, Archer?

‐ Hey, Robert,
don't take this personally,

but there's no way
I'm making small talk with you.

Just quietly stare
at a candle or something.

‐ Hey... that Gabrielle.
[wolf whistle]

We sure got a type.

Seeing them walk off together
now, I was just like,

"I wouldn't mind being the
cream in that double espresso!"

‐ Hmm.

‐ I've dabbled quite a bit in
the exotic arts, as they say.

‐ Oh, God, please, no.

‐ So you're telling me
you're not upset

that Archer didn't mention
that your first date

was going to include
the mother of his child?

‐ After all he's been through,

I'm sure it just
slipped his mind.

‐ Or he's a lunatic.

I mean, clearly he asked
you out because...

[snorts] Well...
‐ Well, what?

‐ Oh, come on,
he's trying to send a message

that he found a stand‐in,
you know, for, uh‐‐for this.

‐ A stand‐in?
Oh, did you go to Yale too?

‐ No. I mean,
I'm sure I could have.

‐ But you have two PhDs, I bet.

‐ Well, no, not two.

No, I have‐‐I have‐‐
I have just the one.

‐ Oh, I see, so you
don't mean "stand‐in"

as much as you mean

woman: [clears throat]

Excuse me.

‐ There! There you go!
‐ [gasps] What are you doing?

‐ Now you're all wet.
‐ Ugh!

‐ Isn't that what you wanted?

‐ And sure enough, we made love
right there in the jazz club.

And to this day,
I can't even hear

a muted trumpet
without getting erect!

[mimics trumpet fanfare]

‐ What a great story, Robert.

I just wish it could've been
louder and grosser.

‐ Kyle! Do us a favor and put
our food in, would ya?

‐ Absolutely.
What would you like?

‐ You order for us, Kyle.

I'm talkin' apps, entrées‐‐
the whole nine yards.

‐ You're trusting Kyle
to pick our food?

The entirety
of his life's decisions

have led him to this job
and that haircut.

No offense, Kyle.

Hey, there they are, the two
prettiest ladies in the joint.

Or more specifically,
a clear number one

and a not‐as‐well‐read,
big‐boned runner‐up.

‐ You know what?
Let me ask you a question.

‐ What the hell are you doing?

You're supposed to be
staking out Victor Cherenenko.

‐ Will you two be
joining the table?

‐ No, definitely not.
‐ We were just leaving.

‐ Sure.
‐ Gabrielle, you could

scooch in next to me.

‐ Ooh, who's Victor Cherenenko?

‐ Oh, Russian hacker,

one of Interpol's most wanted,

Huge reward out for him.

And I am the one responsible‐‐

‐ Actually,
I'm in charge of the mission.

How are you?
Cyril Figgis.

‐ Calm down, Cyril.

You're getting desperation
all over my hot scientist.

‐ I probably shouldn't be
showing you this.

You look like someone
who can be trusted.

See, for years, no one has
been able to find this guy,

but recently he's been
popping his head up in public.

So as team leader,
I took it upon myself

to synthesize data from his
financial records, and ta‐da.

‐ You were able to produce
that wet diaper

of a worthless dossier.

The thing says Cherenenko
is a regular at this place,

and yet‐‐

‐ Hey, isn't that him?

Cyril: You see that, Archer?
I was right.

He's here after all.

‐ I mean, it doesn't
take that much

to look at a credit card

and see that guy comes
to a restaurant a lot

and that‐‐
‐ God damn it, Archer!

‐ Wow, this is so exciting!

So what do we do now?
Like, go detain him?

‐ [laughs] Oh, man.

Guess they don't
teach you everything

in neurobiology school.

‐ Well, no, obviously not.

‐ As much as I love
taking advice on spycraft

from civilians,
you can't just go up and detain

a guy with an armed bodyguard
protecting him.

‐ Lana's right.

Even if we took
the bodyguard out,

we'd have 50 Russian goons
on our doorstep

looking for blood
in the morning.

‐ Uh, yeah,
that's what I'm saying.

So the plan is, we go over‐‐

‐ Excuse me,
I'm in charge, and as such,

I have constructed
our apprehension strategy.

Okay, we wait for him to leave,
and we tail him.

Then we find an opportunity

to separate him
from his bodyguard,

lure him somewhere quiet,
and bring him down.

Voilà. A classic Figgis.

‐ I thought a classic Figgis
was when you get

your genitals caught in
the zipper of a sleeping bag.

‐ You know very well
that wasn't user error.

There was a factory recall!

I'm going to the men's room
real quick.

Don't do anything without me.

‐ So, Gabrielle,
how do you feel about jazz?

[urinal flushes]

‐ And how are you
this evening, sir?

‐ Very well, thank you.

I actually just had a, uh,

pretty big professional victory.

[faucet running]
‐ That is wonderful, sir.

‐ Thanks. You know that feeling
when you take

a big step forward at work
and people notice?

‐ Yes, sir.
Very magical, sir.

‐ Oh, uh, I left my wallet
in my jacket,

and I'll just‐‐

[urinal flushes]
Good call. I'm on a diet.

May I offer you a towel?

‐ Hey, excuse me, sir‐‐

[blow lands]
‐ [grunts]

‐ [grunts] [blow lands]

[dramatic music]

‐ [groans]

‐ [moaning]

‐ Ooh, he's really
giving it to her.

‐ [gasps]
Malory: They're leaving.

Lana: Perfect, when they get
outside, we follow them.

‐ Gabrielle,
I'm sorry to tell you,

but you're about
to dive headfirst

into a high‐speed chase,
so buckle up.

‐ Shouldn't we just
leave her here?

‐ No, Lana,
I'm sorry you're threatened

because Gabrielle is so smart
and accomplished and‐‐

‐ Hot.
‐ Thank you, horny new guy.

We are not ditching her.
Here, put this on, Gabrielle.

I wouldn't want you
to catch cold.

You should, uh,
put this on to, um,

cover up your hideous...


‐ Ya had trouble finding
something, didn't ya?

‐ Shut up, Lana!

[lively jazz music]

Hold on.

All right, go!
Everybody into my car.

Cyril: Good news.

The bodyguard is now locked

in a bathroom supply... closet.


It's my mission.

‐ Okay, so here we have
the first courses,

fried lobster in puff pastry

over four‐cheese grits.

‐ [crying]

[engine revving]
‐ All right, Gabrielle,

get ready
for the ride of your...

[tires squealing]

[tires screeching]

[horns honking]

‐ Uh, what did he just say?

‐ Life, Robert!
He said life!

He was finishing a thought
from before!

‐ [laughs] ‐ Archer!

‐ I'm sorry.

He did a
"what did he just say?"

He's doing all the top ten
old‐guy hits,


[jazzy music]

Malory: This is what happens

when you give bicyclists
their own lane.

What's next,
a lane for vegetarians?

‐ Sorry, Gabrielle.

It's usually a little
chasier than this.

‐ Oh, no, don't apologize.

This is a great opportunity
for me to get to know

your friends just
a little bit better.

‐ All right, I'll start.
Uh, this one's for anybody.

Who's ever met
a potential love interest

over the unconscious body
of their child's father?

‐ Oh, my God. This again?
‐ This again, what?

‐ Well, you got shot
by a murder suspect

you were supposed
to be investigating

but instead were having
sex with who, by the way,

after shooting you, got away!

‐ Hey, look what we got
going on back here.

I feel like the cream
inside of an Ore‐‐

‐ Do not finish that sentence.

‐ Hey, Kyle.

Would you mind parking
the dessert cart over here?

And you might want to throw
the emergency brake on,

because I have a feeling things
could go sideways pretty fast.

‐ Actually, sir, some diners
have been complaining

that your constant crying
and chewing

is bumming them out.

If you wouldn't mind...

‐ Oh, they didn't leave
a credit card?

Jeezy Petes!

I had a serving of bone marrow,
not a goddamn transplant.

All right, I‐‐

My jacket's gone!

Listen, Kyle,
my wallet was in my jacket,

and it appears my friends
must've grabbed it.

So I'm gonna have to...
[footsteps approaching]

To have someone come down

and meet me here
with a credit card.

‐ There you go.

‐ Don't spray that urine
on my son's window.

If you want a dollar for doing
nothing, walk to Canada.

‐ What are you even doing
on this mission to begin with?

‐ Cyril needed me.

It would've looked weird
for him to be sitting

at that restaurant all alone.

‐ Who were you supposed to be?

‐ His date, obviously.


‐ Excuse me,
it's not that crazy at all

that these two
would be together.

Not much further apart in age
than Lana and I are.

‐ Self‐burn.
‐ Plus, she's beautiful

and successful.

You know who you
remind me of, Malory?

My ex‐wife.

‐ Malory reminds you of Linda?
The supermodel?

‐ No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm talking about Zelda,
my first ex‐wife.

Linda was my third ex‐wife.
‐ Your what?

‐ Oh, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

I think the phrase you're
looking for is "gulp."


‐ What's wrong
with your face, Krieger?

‐ Yeah. Did you rack your nuts
on your proton pack?

‐ [laughs]

‐ Oh, Mitsuko and I
got into an argument.

She said she thinks maybe her
feelings are changing about us.

‐ Let me tell you
something everyone hears

at some point in their lives:

that anime hologram's
just not that into you.

‐ No! It's probably
just a phase, right?

[phone rings]
‐ Yello?

‐ Pam! Listen!
[chuckles awkwardly]

I need you to come to L'Orange.

Archer stuck me with a huge tab,

then left with my coat
which had my wallet in it,

and there's a menacing busboy
who won't stop staring at me.

Pam: And you want me
to come over there

and blow a busboy so he'll
forget about your dinner tab.

‐ What? No,
come with money to pay the tab.

Oh. Lame.

‐ Okay,
let me get this straight.

You've been married four times
and it never occurred to you

to share that information
with your wife?

‐ It's personal, dear.

I didn't ask you how many times
you'd been married.

‐ Zero!
I'd been married zero times!

‐ Well, now I see why.

‐ [laughs]

‐ Who were they?

‐ Linda, of course.

Then Hafsa, she was a gift
from the Saudi crown.

Would've been rude to say no.
And then Zelda.

We didn't technically divorce.
I lost her on safari.

‐ Oh, my God,
this guy's on fire.

‐ I'm not sure if it's
a big deal, but...

that guy you're following,
he just got out of that cab.

‐ Damn it, he's getting away!
Follow him!

‐ I can't, Mother!

What do you want me to do,

just leave the car here
in the middle of 5th Ave?

‐ Oh, yes, big smiles.

I, too, would be excited
if I were about to overdose

somewhere in a hollowed‐out
box spring.

‐ You know, I've always thought

that busboys were the backbone
of the restaurant industry.

‐ I'm a woman.
‐ And a beautiful one at that.

There you are!
‐ Oh, you look like shit, dude.

Have you been crying?

‐ Crying?
[laughs] No.

All: Yes!
‐ [cries]

‐ Okay, oh, Cyril.

Come on, let's get out of here.

‐ [clears throat]
Cyril: Oh, uh,

right, the tab, uh‐‐

‐ Cyril, don't worry
about the tab.

I got this.

[shouting] This waiter
just touched my breasts!

[people gasp]

‐ What?

‐ Again, I just can't
put into words

how mortified I am.

‐ Well, you should be mortified.

I know my breasts certainly are.

Right, ladies?

‐ Hey, hot shot,

call me if you ever want
to have your world rocked.

Lana: You voted libertarian?
Robert: Sure, twice.

Hey, I know seat belts
save lives,

but who is the government
to require me to wear one?

‐ Is there anything else
you haven't told me?

‐ No.
‐ In my experience,

you have to ask
exploratory questions, like...

Robert, have you
ever done anything

that you're deeply sad about?

‐ I mean, I guess if I had
to pick one thing...

oh, gosh, it'd be the dogs.

‐ The dogs?

‐ I've had 11 dogs die on me.

‐ 11? How is that possible?

‐ Well, you know, there's just
a huge language barrier.

‐ [shouting] Oh, my God, what
the hell is wrong with you?

‐ [Southern accent]
What beautiful architecture

they have here
in New York City, New York,

where we are visiting
as tourists.

[whispering] Jesus Christ,
Lana, will you quit fighting

with your husband
before you give us away?

‐ [angry whisper] We wouldn't
be in a fight if you hadn't

set up this stupid double date
in the first place.

Boy howdy.

I sure hope someday
we get these kind

of tall buildings back
at home in... Arizona.

‐ Shit, he's heading
to the park.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Follow that horse!
And step on it!

[driver clicks tongue,
horse whinnies]

‐ You there, follow that cab!

‐ On a break.
‐ Let me try.

Well, I can see why they
call it a hansom cab.

You sure are
the best‐looking son of a gun

I've seen all night.

‐ Oh, is that a fact?

‐ Oh, I was talking
to the horse.

I figured he ran the business.

[both laugh]

‐ Gosh, oh, that's good.

[dramatic music]

‐ Hmm, they seem to be in love.

Wonder whose still‐breathing
body they met over.

‐ Oh, my God, you are
absolutely cracked in the head.

We weren't even together when
you went into a coma, okay?

You were banging
some old broad who then,

God bless her soul, shot you.

‐ Better to be shot
than stabbed in the back, Lana.

‐ I'm surprised this isn't
something you've mentioned

about your time in a coma
if it bothers you so much.

‐ Oh, it doesn't.

‐ Why do you even care
that I'm with Robert?

‐ I don't!
‐ It was clear that you

were never going
to commit to me.

‐ You don't know that!

‐ So if Lana
hadn't met Robert...

‐ Over my still
very much alive body

with a functioning sex organ,

as I imagine was included
in my records.

‐ Then you would've wanted
to be together?

‐ Excuse me!

Whose ass do I have to kiss

to get more hot cocoa back here?

[horse whinnies]

‐ Coney Island?

Look, I appreciate you guys
bringing me here

to cheer me up,
but I'm a grown man.

‐ Oh, cheer you up?

A waiter just touched
my breasts, asshole.

‐ If you're in need
of some cheering up,

this is the place.
Come on.

Whoa, look!
Wacky mirrors!

[carnival music playing]

♪ ♪

Malory: Driver!

Now we're going too fast!

We're trying to follow
that horse in front of us,

not inseminate it.

‐ I remember when the park
was a place you'd come

to get away from
the hustle and bustle.

‐ Me too. I had an aunt
who'd take me here.

We'd sit on a park bench
for hours,

just chatting and throwing
lit matches at the pigeons.

‐ My friends and I would feed
the pigeons Alka‐Seltzer,

watch them explode!

[both laugh]


Both: Slow the hell down!

‐ Come on, buddy,
what's got you so down?

You can talk to ol' Pam.
‐ It's... Archer.

‐ And what about him?

‐ I hate him!

I hate his stupid face!

And his stupid car!

And his stupid coma cane!

And his stupid...
[machine buzzing]

Doesn't give me
the respect I deserve!

How hard is it
for you to acknowledge

the good shape
I've gotten in? Ah!

How much I've improved
as a field agent? Ah!

I learned Mandarin,
for Christ's sake!

I hate you, Sterling Archer!

I hate you
and everything you've done

to make me feel this‐‐agh!

‐ Cyril,
I see the job you're doing.

You've been knocking it out
of the park as a field agent.

‐ Really?
‐ Really.

When I thought Archer was dead,

I literally said, "Well,
at least we still got Cyril."

‐ You did?

‐ Sure.

I need the agency
to stay afloat.

I can't get another job.

I have, like,
a shit‐ton of felonies.

‐ [chuckles, sniffles]
Thanks, Pam.

[machine buzzes]

Gabrielle: Then why did you set
this double date up, Archer?

‐ Seriously,
out of all the women

you could've asked out...

‐ Of which there are
literally billions.

‐ Proving her point.
‐ Damn it.

‐ You chose one that kinda,
well, is my doppelganger?

‐ Yeah, why is that, Archer?

‐ Um, if you two
are through playing

amateur neuropsychobiologist,

our Russian is headed
for the subway.

♪ ♪

‐ Archer, I'll come at them
from around the back.

You approach them
from the left flank.

‐ I almost hate to do it.

Those two look
really happy together.

‐ Yeah. It's nice to be
in love with someone.

You should try it.

‐ Well, if it means
being as happy

as that Russian hacker and his
girlfriend, I actually‐‐

all: Oh!
‐ God damn it.

‐ Oh‐ho‐ho‐no!

‐ Ew.
Should we call the police?

Both: Meh.

‐ So, Gabrielle, this is
usually the part of the date

when we head back
to my place for great sex.

‐ Archer, look, you seem
like a really nice guy‐‐

‐ Ha!
‐ Shut up, Lana.

You were saying?
Nice guy.

Fully functioning sex organ.
Go on.

‐ But it's clear you still
have feelings for Lana.

‐ [laughs]
Wait, me? For her?

Wh‐why would I want Lana
when I could have you?

A totally different
noncomparable unique person

who... shouldn't be exploited
for personal vendettas, sorry.

‐ Yeah, that part.
It was nice to meet ya, Lana.

Uh, maybe we could
get together sometime.

‐ You know what?
I actually would not mind

hanging out with you again.

Archer: Hey, wait, Gabrielle.

But... sex time.


‐ Aw, you liked her, didn't you?

‐ I don't know.

‐ But you didn't realize it

till just now, huh?

‐ [grunts] Maybe.

‐ I mean,
I thought she was great.

‐ Whatever.
‐ I mean, smart, charming.

And those cans, am I right?

‐ Yeah, they looked
pretty squeezy.

‐ Thinking maybe instead
of asking her out

to make me jealous,
you should've just

asked her out
because she's awesome.

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Honey, I'm home.

Man [over TV]: You know
what I'd do if I were you?

‐ Wait, wait, wait, wait,
this is my favorite part!

‐ Mine too!

All: Fill my boots with lead
and jump in the ocean,

you pig‐nosed gypsy!

[machine gun fire on TV]

‐ Oh, gosh, that's good.

‐ [sighs] Fantastic.

‐ Made in Georgia.