Archer (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 9 - Archer: 1999 -- Robert De Niro - full transcript

When a trial turns into a party, it can only mean that Barry-6 has returned.

FXX presents
Archer 1999.

All right,
let's get this over with.

This proceeding and any
sentences arising therefrom

shall be conducted under
the Federation Judicial Code,

Article Nine,
in re attempted murder

and mutiny,
both capital offenses.

Now, I know
you've all been sworn,

and I have read
your complaints.

- I have a question.
- Is it, "What's the best way

- to interrupt a judge?"
- No.

- Then...
- It's, "Why does a spaceship

have an enormous dedicated
courtroom in it?"

- Yeah, right?
- I don't know!

- I didn't build it.
- Well, it's ridiculous.

I basically sleep in a coffin,
and this could have been...

2 1/2 squash courts.

- Ooh, or a holodeck!
- We have a holodeck.

- Yeah, but we never use it.
- Can we please...

Oh, so hey,
why not just have the holodeck

turn into a courtroom?

Ooh, or 2 1/2
squash courts.

Order! Order, or I will

hold you all in a different
kind of contempt.

Now, then, Mr. Figgis,

are the people
ready to proceed?

Oh, yeah.


Oh, uh, sorry.
Yes, Your Honor, the, uh...

What is...

- Oh, come on, seriously?

Yes, Your Honor.

The people are ready
to proceed.

That's what I thought.

And is the defendant
ready to proceed?

No, the defendant is not
because there is no defendant

because this whole thing
is a sham and a farce,

and I don't recognize
this kangaroo court's authority

because it's presided over
by a male prostitute.

- Courtesan!
- Pobobot!

And by God,
you will recognize it

because prior to my
current circumstances,

for 16 years, I was a
Federation High Court Justice!

- I have a question.
- Woman, I swear to God.

How'd you go
from being a Federation judge

to, like,
blowing space truckers?

Well, Missy.

Th-that is a...

Oh, that is a long,
crazy story.

But it is entirely nongermane

to the solemn proceeding
before this bench.

And so, Mr. Archer,

having reminded you that
the man who represents himself

has a fool for a client...

I'm not representing myself.

Well, then who is?

Oh, just TV's Michael Gray.

Who, for reasons known
but to God,

is wearing seersucker.

So if you wanna go aheadand
do that motion to dismiss,

now would, uh,
maybe be a good time.

Oh, and also,
we wish to countersue.

- I'm not typing that.
- What?

I'm gonna allow it!

For injuries and damages
from you assholes

attempting to murder me

so Lana could steal
half of the ship.

Well, when TV's Michael Gray
is done with you,

I'm gonna own your half.

So, hey, I don't think
this is going as well

as you think it's going.

You goddamn crook.

*ARCHER (2009)*
Season 10 Episode 09

*ARCHER (2009)*
Episode Title :"1999: Robert De Niro"

Jesus, okay.
I think that's enough.

I don't wish to cause
the witness

- any further distress.
- I'm fine, Your Honor.

What about my magazine?

- Will you...
- There's lots more video, Your Honor.

Like the part when Pam
smashed me in the head

- with a fire extinguisher.
- Yeah!

Play that!

Do the people have
any further questions

- for this witness?
- Not at this time, Your Honor.

Then your witness.

Well? Uh,
what are you waiting for?

Get up there
and cross-examine her.

What are you, hourly?

I think I would be,

if I was a lawyer.

- Damn it.
- Look at me.

Look at me.
Look at me.

Something is wrong
with your brain.

You need to plead not guilty

by reason of insanity.

Beg them for mercy

and realize
you're hallucinating me.

I'll see you
disbarred for this.

look forward to it.

Point of procedure.

I, uh, no longer wish
to be represented

by TV's Michael Gray.

All righty.

Are the people
okay with him

not having
an imaginary lawyer?

They're great with it.

Then your witness.

Thank you.
Now, then, Miss Kane, is it?



Damn, I had something
for this.

- Did ya?
- Actually,

can we maybe
call her back at a, uh,

time later than, um...
Later than now?

You're just a regular
Clarence Darrow.

You may step down.
Thank you.

Call your next witness.

Your Honor, the people call

the defendant's mother,
Malory Archer.


Come on, are we not doing that?

- Ooh.
- Oh, come on.

- Are you kidding me?
- Sit down, sir!

Are you... she's dressed
exactly like Marlene Dietrich

in "Witness
for the Prosecution,"

right down to the hair
and the rakish little beret.

Are you seeing this?

- Are you?
- What?

How the...

Objection. I object.

- To what?
- I will ask the question!

It's actually
the same question.

I don't know.

Oh, then I guess
we can all go home.

Can we?

What the hell is happening?

Don't look at me.

God damn it,
TV's Michael Gray.

- Uh, Your Honor...
- Wait, wait, shut up.

You shut up!

You're out of order!

You're out of order!
You're out of order!

This whole trial
is out of order!

Th-they're out of order!

Everybody shut up!

And you bang that thing
one more time,

I'll break it off
inside you.

Legit phrasing.

Shh! Listen.

Proximity alert.

- What's going on?
- What alert?

Why the hell is there

a proximity...

- Whoa!
- Ow!

- How the...

Who's on the bridge?

because we're all down here

at this goddamn
kangaroo railroad.

- What?
- The... the... the... the... the...

- Choo-choo!
- Krieger!

Why aren't you up there?

Well, then who would do this?

Holy shit, dude,
that's really good.

You don't think
it's derivative?

No, 'cause I don't know
what that is.

It's when...

Status report!


Okay, uh, we've got
moderate hull damage

- to starboard amidships, um...
- From what?

I don't know.

Turn that thing
to the exterior cameras.

Oh, right.

Oh, my God.

A Dri'n attack barge.

Which means...

Boarding party.

And there ain't no party
like a boarding party

'cause a boarding party
don't stop.

Well, until these
monstrous bastards

have slaked their thirst
for blood.

And let me tell you,
these little devils

are just parched.

I know, right?

Barry-6, out.

Wh-what do we do?
What do we do?

Well, the first thing
we've gotta do...

And I'm sure
we can all agree on this...

Is declare a mistrial.

Come on, man.
What's taking so long?

"Space metal"?

Think about how dumb
that sounds.

Now, come on, let's

peel this banana and...

Take a bite.

I mean, before
they all get away

in an escape pod,
of course.


- Lana...
- You are not...

- I'm serious.
- Abandoning ship.

- Do not make me hit you.
- Excuse me?

No, I...
I didn't mean that.

- Whoa!
- Ow!

Serves you right!

Trying to cut the line
like that!

No one is abandoning ship!

We're gonna stay here
and fight!

I really don't think
we should.

good luck with that.


Meaning those freaksare
literally gonna

- chew you up and spit you out.
- Well...

Or not spit you out.

I don't know about pirate
dining etiquette,

but definitely
the chewing up part.

Well, nobody asked you,
since last I checked,

you're a goddamn mutineer.

Well, the last I checked... and
I'm not being facetious...

- Nice sweater dress.
- What?

- Sweater dress?
- What?

So you think maybe
you arecrazy?

I'm crazy?

- I mean...
- She's crazy if she thinks

she can fight off
an entire barge

full of murderous
Dri'n pirateswithout me.

- Uh, first of all...
- Hull breach.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, that's no good.

Talk about crazy, huh?

Whoo! Now,
that's what I calla nice gash.

No, we're not doing
space phrasing.

Uh, because it's derivative.

- And also because I said so.
- Hull breach.

I'm the only chance
you've got.

He's right,
you know.

Yeah, you gotta let him go.

That, or let us
in that damn pod!

- I vote pod.
- Cyril!

And, I'm sorry,
have we all forgotten

he basically
sexually assaulted me

with a rolled-up magazine?

- No.
- That's evidence.

You're evidence!

And there was nothing
sexual about it.

I don't know.
I thought it was pretty sexy.

On opposite day!
Gross, you guys!


Lana, I'm sorry
I attacked you.

I honestly don't know
what got into me.

And when this is over,
you can punish me

- however you see fit.
- It's

- howmever.
- Shut up!

But this calls for
some serious swash buckling,

and no one else can buckle
swashes like me, so...

Xenomorphs detected.

- Oh, no!
- Your call.

Xenomorphs detected.

Xenomorphs detected.

You're damn right,
they are.

Get some!

Be a hitter, big un.
And have fun out there.

Oh, hey, and, uh,
if anyone finds Archer,

he's all mine.

Okay, so Mother...
Here you go...

Is gonna lure them
into the holodeck.

- Why?
- Well, for one thing,

because shut up.

But remember...
Here you go...

If we have to fall back...

And we can probably
go ahead and make that

"when we fall back"...
Here, take some of these...

Fall back to the escape pod.

The pod is the Alamo.

If we're just gonna
go back there,

why'd we leave
in the first place?

Because the goal isn't
to run away so fast,

it makes
your vagina flap.

Plus, all the guns
are in here.

Not all of them.

You got
the sentry guns online?

- Yep, yep, yep.
- Okay.

Here we go!

A and B guns firing.

Wait, wait, wait. At what?


- 80, 60...
- What the shit, Krieger?


That's it.

Then what was the point?

Director's cut?

- Ugh.
- Right?

Wait, what?

Uh, did they even hit anybody?

So then just totally pointless.

Unless you lean on them,
you big dummy.

- Okay, Mother...
- Archer!

- That's your cue.
- And just how exactly

am I supposed
to lure those creeps

to the holodeck without
getting myself killed?

Oh, right, right,
right, right, right.


♪ Toodles ♪

The rest of you,
follow me.

Move, Cyril.
I want to hear it flap.

Come on, Archer.
You can run, but...

Well, I guess you can hide,

But stop doing it
is what I'm saying.

- ♪ Yoo-hoo ♪
- Huh?

Who's up for some
bopping and booping?

I'll bop your boop,
you little...

Why would it be a ruse?

Come on, you mother humpers.

Jeezy Petes,
you really arecrazy!

We're sitting ducks.
There's no cover.

Jesus Christ, do you nerds
really never come down here?

- Oh!
- This is incredible!

I know, right?
Plus, upstairs,

there's a bunch of
hologram whores giving out

50-cent blow jobs.

Wait, what makes them

Uh, they're 50 cents?

Hoooo, Mikey Mike!


Is now the best timefor that?

A lot better
than it's about to be.

How many are there?


Like, literally scores or...

Cyril, get your shittogether.

Now, listen, you gotta let
'emcome into our killing zone.

Don't just start blasting

the second you...- -

Suppressing fire!


- Goddamn, dude.
- Seriously.

You shot all my guys.

Oh, for... way to go, Cyril.

- What?
- "What?"

I'm supposed to be the hero.

- Doing what?
- Seriously, Archer?

- Wow.
- Well?

That is pathetic.

So are sweater vests.

- Huh?
- What's a sweater vest?

Hey, asshole,

you really wanna be
the hero?

I mean...

Then let's just
you and me play.


The self-destruct system

is now activated.

Why do we even have that?


the password was...

- "guest."
- Told you.

Detonation in two minutes.

- What?
- Two? No.

I thought I set it for 20.

- Krieger, can you override it?
- Um...

Krieger cannot override it.

- No.
- What do we do? What do we do?

Well, if you hustle,
I bet you can just make it

to the...

Escape pod.

- Come on, everybody. Move it!
- Let's go!

All except you, Archer.

They go.

You stay.

What? No.

Sterling, no!

Mother, it's okay.
You go.

I need to stay here
for a while.


Detonation in

90 seconds.


Son of a...

Come on.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Moms, huh?

So you're willing to die
just to make sure I do?

- Yep.
- Why?

Because, Archer,
a long time ago

in a galaxy far, far away,
you put your nasty dick

in my fiancée's butthole.

Wait, wait, wait, that...
That's what this is about?

- Oh, yes.
- Uh, what was her name?

- Simone?
- Framboise!

Detonation in

- 60 seconds.
- Jesus Christ.

Well, if it's any consolation,

I can't even remember
what she looks li...

- Go, go, go, go, go!
- But wait!

- Couldn't we...
- Malory, we need to move.

- We've only got...
- Detonation in

30 seconds.

- That.
- No, no, no, wait!

Just wait a second.

- Wait.
- What?

Chicken butt.

Chicken butt, Barry!

Detonation in 15 seconds.

Escape pod launched.


They're safe, Barry.

Detonation in ten...

- Are they?
- Nine...

- What?
- Eight...

- Are they safe?
- Seven...

- Yes.
- Six...

So you're the big man, huh?

- Five...
- Yes, Barry, I am.

- Four...
- I'm huge.

- Three...
- Not what Framboise said.

- Two...
- Oh, really?

- Because...
- One.

Shit, I had something for...




Sterling Malory Archer.

Code name Duchess.

So here's the thing.

I need to access
my operations account,

and you're preventing that.

Now, we can do this easy,

or we can do it hard.

The thought of me
dead gives you an erection?

Jesus Christ!

Your call.


Drink, drink,
drink, drink!

Ow! Ow!

Bawk! Bawk!

- Archer!
- I'm coming!

Phrasing, boom!

Okay, let's try that a...
Oh, shit!

Survey says...

Don't try to doanything stupid.

I don't have to try.

I'll show you who's boss.

How do you like that?

Hey, asshole!






♪ Danger zone ♪

Sterling Archer,

I'd like you to meet your daughter,


Why is that
who named like me?

Because he's your son,

you colossal idiot.

Until you can look
at your mother

and see her
not just as your mother

but as a person...

When have I everbeen
honest with Sterling?

You can't grow up.

Honey, you still got it.

♪ Bow-chicka-bow-bow,
a-huh-huh ♪

Pretty much
my whole life,

my default setting
has been half-ass.

Whoo-who cares?

Imagine as I literally
beat you to death

that a giant hand
has turned my dial

from half-ass
to quadruple-ass.

Oh, booyakasha!

I've been shot, stabbed,
set on fire, poisoned, shot,

sexually assaulted,
partially chewed,

and declared legally dead

twice on the same day.

Think you might have
a problem.

Yeah, Lana,
it's called cancer.


- Are you...
- The man who cheated death?

I might be immortal.


This close.

♪ Rebound ♪

♪ Rebound

Goddamn Barry.

- Mother?
- Sterling?

W-w-wait, what are you...
What are you...

I... I...

I know you didn't
just break

another glass in here,

because if I told you once,
I told you...

My Lord Jesus!

He's awake!

- He's awake!
- Yeah, um, duh.

Wh-why am I in a hospital?

You were shot
by a crazy woman.

Just like Eddie Waitkus!

- Who?
- Don't get him started.

Oh, man.

For a second there,
I thought maybe the booze

had caught up with me.

Ooh, speaking of...

- With me standing right here?
- He's gonna need it.

Wait, why?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

H-how long have I been here?

- Mother?
- Sterling-

- Mother, how long
have I been here?

- Three years.
- What?


Wait, not... no.
No, no, no.

Y-you want me to call
Dr. Gorenstein?

Oh, please.
You think he could be bothered?

At midnight on a Sunday?

Plus, what would
his mistress say?

So bad.

Wait, why are you here
at midnight on a Sunday?

Well, I, um...

She's always here.

Oh, now, not always.

Let me get you
some ice chips.

For three years?

I wanted to be here
when you woke up.

Okay, so, like,

wh-wh-what about Lana?

- Lana?
- Hey, wait, do I have a kid?

There's plenty of time to
talk about all of that.

The important thingis that
you're back

and we're together.

Um, uh, okay.

After all, the real story's

always been
about you and me.

What are you...

Which, when you think about it,

at its heart,

it's really a love story.

Please, Mother,
don't say that.

It's true.


Corrections done by srjanapala

Made in Georgia.