Archer (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 8 - Archer: 1999 -- Cubert - full transcript

Archer is convinced a mysterious object is causing the crew to act strangely.

So, again
I just wanted on record

I'm 100% against this.

Aw, you're 100%
against everything cool.

No, I'm not.
Shut up.

- Like what?
- Um, Ranch Tub.

- Oh, for the...
- Come on, man.

was against Ranch Tub!

Seriously, Pam, quit trying
to make Ranch Tub happen.

Do I even want
to know what that is?

Only if you never
want to eat ranch again.

- I meant ranch.
- What?

That's a food?
It's not important.

- I wouldn't go that far.
- Can we

- please... - Cyril, shut up.
- Seriously.

Come on, if we're gonna
do this, let's do it already.

We're sitting ducks
with you two out there.

- Well, whose fault is that?
- What? Yours!

You made us stop on the way
to Earth for the damn thing.

Exactly, and everybody
remember that

when it's time to
divvy it up.

Do you think
it's worth anything?

Hmm, hard to say.

I've never seen anything
like it.

So you just jam it
with my new pen?

This is new,
this pen right here?

Yes, as a matter...

- You know...
- Ooh.

Maybe it's ambergris.

How could it be ambergris?

If a whale puked it up, duh.

Oh, a space whale?

I don't know
all the types of whale!

And yet somehow you know
about ambergr...

Oh, maybe its mithril!

Is that some other food?

And it's not mithril.

Just checking.

Whatever the hell it is,
just box it up

and let's go already!

All right!

So what do you think, Cyril?

About what?

Is it firm enough
to shove in the box?


What, like "space phrasing"?

No. Never mind.

Season 10 Episode 08
Episode Title :"1999: Cubert"

And radiation levels are...

across the spectrum.

Well, keep testing.
Radiation's just one danger.

That thing could be
carrying deadly bacteria

- or some kind of virus.
- First of all-

Bacteria and virus
are the same thing, dummy.

- No, they're not.
- Shut up.

- Krieger?
- They are not.

Oh, well,
what am I thinking of?

Space whores, presumably.

Well, right then, I was,

Hey, nobody gets out
of there until I'm sure

that thing's not a hazard
to the ship,

so the longer
you dick around,

the longer you're gonna stay
in quarantine.

- Any questions?
- What the...

Yeah, are you doinks
done yet?

'Cause I wanna
check that crazy thing out.

- Pam!
- What?

You just broke quarantine,

So if there's anything
deadly on it,

now the entire ship's infected.

but you wouldn't have been.

- What?
- Helmet, genius.

God damn it.

I'm gonna call him Cubert!

Okay, that was the last test.

And I can confidently say
that the object poses

no nuclear, chemical,
or biological threat

to the ship or crew.

Not that we could've
done anything about itif it did,

- thanks to Pam.
- You are welcome.

Hey, can we take a second?

Isn't it crazy that
that little scanner

can do all those
wildly different tests?

- I mean, come on.
- Yeah, pretty great.

Yes, hooray for everything.
Now, what's it worth?

Well, that, I can't say.

I don't even know
what elements it's made of...

they're even known to us.

I'll have to do
many more tests to...

Ooh, here's a test.

Cut the damn thing
open and...

Whoa, hey!

- Cool!
- Holy shit! It's magnetic!

No, I don't think so.

There's metal all over
the place in here, so...

Oh, my God!
Our fillings!

What are you talking about?

A, fillings are nonferrous,


So even if it were magnetic...

It's not gonna
eat your damn fillings.

But I don't think
it is a magnet.

- See?
- Well, then how...

Okay, um,
pick up another scalpel.

- And?
- Huh.

Well, I had a theory...

Damn it, woman!
If you don't...

- Ah!
- Oh, shit.


That it was reacting
to a weapon.

Then let's kill it!
Kill it!

Kill it before...


- Oh, shit.
- Uh...

Hmm, or maybejust aggression.

- What?
- Huh.

Come on, you're saying
it can read our emotions?

I'm not saying
anything... yet.

- How 'bout now?
- Oh, no.

Sorry, need to do a whole
bigseries of tests before I can...

- Huh, still interrupting.
- Typical.

But we should
probably... uh...

Carol, come on.
Let's get out of there.

Wow, that's...

Somebody give me a hand here.
I can help.

Somebody strong.


I mean... I mean,
that's crazy, right?

All right, Jesus.
I'm doing it.

- Okay, Pam, you're up.
- Mmkay.

One, two, three, go.

Son of a...


I just thought of something.

Oh, my God,
if you say "Ranch Tub"...

No, shut up.

I can bench, like,
500 kilos,

so I can keep pulling
on her, but...

something's gotta give.

Like her birdy
little neck bones.

Because whatever
this thing is,

I mean, it's obviously

Well, since when
is it supernatural?

- Well, it's not a magnet.
- Oh, come on.

So those are
our only two options,

ghosts or magnets?

- I mean...
- Oh, come on.

This is just some bullshit
of yours

to put off going back to Earth.


So, so what, Lana,
I conjured up

some kind of...
telepathic ghost cube?

I didn't say you conjured it up,

I said that...


Well, I hope you're all...

Jeezy Petes.

- Happy.
- Is she breathing?

- No.
- So she's...

- I mean...
- Oh!

If only we had access
to some sort of device

which could tell us!

What's that?

Oh, right, the scanner!

Hang on, let me reset it for...

Are you okay?

- I think so.
- What was it like?

- What did you see?
- I don't know. It...

I can't explain it.

Oh, my God!

- What?
- I just remembered.

- Remembered what?
- I don't even have fillings.

So that whole time
you're in there,

you didn't see anything?

No, I mean,
it's hard to explain.

It was kind of like I was

and everything.

If that makes any sense.

About as much as
what normally

comes out of your mouth.

And speaking of your mouth...

What about it?

You're really
packing it away there.

Um, I'm hungry.
Sue me.

I will if it turns out
you ate

all the priceless filling
out of that cube.

Oh, my God.



You really think
it's worth something?

It's gotta be,

I mean, to somebody.

And whom might
that somebody be?

Well, obviously we need
to do some market research,

but it's...
I-t's gone.

- What? - Gone?
- Wait, what?

- What are you doing?
- What's the matter?

Hey, the food ain't
that bad, baby.

What's wrong?
Are you choking?

- Typical.
- W-w-w-what's the matter?

- This is serious.
- Get a spoon in her!

Space phrasing!

Plus, that's a collectible!

Get that spoon in her!

I'm trying.

- Oh, God.
- Ugh!

- Gross.
- What the shit with the spoon?

- I...
- We thought you were...

What, "She's choking,
so let's shove

a goddamn spoon
down her throat"?

- Yeah, Cyril.
- Hey, you know what?

I know the stupid cube
is gone.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, what happened?

Yeah, what the shit,

It was right here on...
well, six inches above the table.

I needed some more
sterilizing wipes, so I...

Why would you need
sterilizing wipes?

- I...
- Oh, Krieger, buddy.

Please tell me you didn't try

to have sexwith the ghost cube.

- Krieger!
- That's nasty, Krieger!

- No, of course I didn't.

We can check
the security footage.

There isn't any.
The camera was off.

Oh, how convenient.

I did not have sex
with the cube.

Because first of all,
with what?

Oh, okay, okay.

You wanna make your stupid
little Ken Doll jokes?

Would they be warranted?

- I...
- Focus, people.

a million credits' worth

of ghost cube missing.

What happened, Ken?

As I was saying...

I needed
more sterilizing wipes.

I need more sterilizing wipes.

So I walked out the door,
and after it closed behind me,

I keyed in
the alphanumeric code

to lock it.

I walked down
to the supply room,

got the wipes,
and walked back.

I keyed in the code to unlock
the afore mentioned door.

I walked in...

What the...

The cube was gone.

So obviously
one of you took it.

- No, we did not!
- That's bullshit.

Nobody took
your new girlfriend.

Yeah, plus,
we were all together in the mess, so...

So how did it leave
a locked room?

Plenty of ways.

Here, hold this.

All right, let's go find that thing.

And let's all split up.

We can cover
a lot more ground that way.

So individually go bumbling
around this big ole spaceship

looking for a ghost.

To bumble or notis up to you,

but whoever finds it
gets to keep it.

- Wait, what?
Findies keepies!

- Wait a minute, what?
- Huh?

- Out of my way!
- No, no, no, no!

Get out of my way! No!

And bumble it is.

- Get out of my way, meat-head.
- I saw it first!

Wait a minute.

Now, look, before you all
go running off half-cocked...

Krieger, we don't have time
to pile on you

with a bunch of
no-dick jokes.

I knew it
right when I said it.

- I call bridge!
- Well, I'm coming with you.

- No, you're not.
- Uh...

well, then I-I get
the crew quarters.

You better not
go in my boudoir.

Okay, I call dibson the... aah!

- Dibs on them ribs, sucka!
- Oh, holy shit.

That really hurt.

Well, if you think that hurt...

That's disconcerting.

Yeah, ya think?


I said no, God damn it!

- Get out!
- Hey!

I won't have you

my beautiful things.

Well, how do I know
it's not in there?

- Because we said so.
- Who's "we"?

Is that supposed to be funny?

Hope it was his dick.

Right in the foot!
- Eh.

Any luck?
- No, Lana.

And this is my area, so...


So... so talk
about space whores, huh?

- Excuse me?
- I, um...

Uh, nothing.
Uh, ne... never mind.

I'll never your mind.

Um, airball.

I'll... air your balls.

Yeah, yeah, you will.

God damn it!

Holy shit,
I think I'm seeing things.

I maybe need to get
some sleep, huh?

Or at least
my balls aired out.

Yeah, right?

- Hey.
- Who the hell are you, man?

What are you...
I'm TV's Michael Gray.

TV's Michael Gray who?

Uh, TV's Michael Gray
says quit being a dick

and open the door?

Seriously, quit being a dick.

Okay, um, h-hang on.

Okay, on three. Ready?

Can we not do it on one?

Shut up, okay.





TV's Michael Gray.

Mikey-Mike, where are you?

Who the hell's Mikey-Mike?

Exactly, that's what I'm...

'Cause you think he'd like
some of this?

What? No.

Stop that.
What... what are you doing?

I'm hungry. Sue me.

And then get up to the bridge.

Her Lanaship has
some big announcement.

Whoa, what,
did somebody find it?

Find what?

What cube?

Mother, I am extremely
not in the mood,

so seriously, where is it?

You mean like an ice
cube or something in a Rubik...

- Quit dicking around already!
- Hey, whoa.

I'm talking about
the mysterious

and possibly haunted
ghost cube

that Carol got
her head stuck in.

I think I'd remember that.

And I'd be the first one
to believe

she got her head
stuck in something.

- Thank you.
- But you are just

sounding insane.

You sound insane!
All of you!

Oh, oh, and I all know
what you're trying to do.

You wanna

maybe walk us
through that?

Oh, my God.

I know somebody
found the cube

and that it's
findies keepies.

You mean finders keepers.

But don't stand there
and lie to me.

- Nobody's...
- Plus, you dressing

- like a whore?
- Excuse me?

- And how is Cyril's foot okay?
- Uh, what, now?

You got shot in the foot,

And, oh, my God,
TV's Michael Gray?

- TV's Michael who?
- Huh?

All right.

I don't know if you got
in the meds locker

or if this is just the onset
of tertiary syphilis, but...

He better not have syphilis.

Why had he better not
have syphilis?

I... wh...
because syphilis is bad, dude.

Listen to me, God damn it!

- Oh! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
- Easy!

whoa, man.

And speaking of meds,

don't you think you could use
a bit of a... relaxer?

- No!
- Oh, now...

Krieger, don't you have something
to take the edge off?

As a matter of fact...

You and your pills
keep away from me, you...

You dickless fish!

- Wha...
- He's got a gun!


Sterling, look at me.

Now, I don't knowwhat's wrong,

but I promise you,
whatever it is, we'll fix it.

But first you have to trust us.

- Oh, no.
- Suit yourself.

- Krieger?
- Yep, yep, yep!

No, no, no, no...

You dick.


All right.

Krieger, take him down
to the med lab

and try to find out what in
the hell's the matter with him.

Him? What about me?

We know
what's wrong with you.

Yeah, foot hole.


Well, it's really
kind of weird.

Uh, no shit.

The scanner
shows normal vitals

and doesn't show anything

physically or neurologically unusual.

No drugs in his system and...

just what I assume is
a therapeutic level of bourbon.

And... no syphilis?

No venereal disease
of any kind.

Or judgment,
by the way.

- Don't care.
- Eh.

How does that thing
know all that?

I know. Pretty great.

All right, keep scanning
or whatever,

and keep him down here

until you find out
what's wrong with him.

My therapeutic levels are low.

And I could actually
use some sterilizing wipes.

I'll bet. Keep an eye on him?


Uh... hello?

Is there a reason you locked
the door from the outside?

Krieger? Hello?


- Is it?
- Oh!

Jesus Christ, Archer!

What are you doing?
You scared the shit out of me!

Oh, I'm sorry.


what'd ya expect, nerfnuts?

It's alcohol.
It's gonna hurt.

Well, if you think
that hurt...

Yes! Yes, I do
think it hurt!

You'd better not
be wasting that.

Um, guess it kind of
dependson how you mean.

I mean, we've really
only got

two options here, Lana.

One is that this is all
some sort of ruse,

and the other
is that I'm crazy.

You're kind of acting crazy.

I don't think
I'm acting crazy.

That's kind of one of the symptoms.

Ah, the old catch-21.

22, whatever it takes.

Ow! Shit!

Jesus Christ, you are crazy!

Would a crazy person do this?

No, no, no, no, wait!

- Oof.
- Yes.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Hey, what the...


Med lab.

What emergency?

Well, it has been
almost a minute

since Archer got
some attention.

You're just a mess.

Holy shit! Look!

Oh, my God! Come on!

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!


Come on, come on,
come on, come on,

come on, come on,
come on, come on!

Why the hell is it so long?

- Space phrasing.
- That's just how it comes!

- Twofer.
- Oh, my God,

just reset it, Dr. Science!

Will you shut up?

If I mess up, I have to start
all over again!

Sterling, stop!

Do you hear me?

Stop it this instant!

What are you doing?

My frickin' tit!


A Tennessee titty twister?

- Whoa! - Whoa!
- Whoa! - Whoa!

Well, how do ya likethese titties?

Lana? Are you all right?


I think so.

Ugh, my magazine's not.

- Shut up.
- And, Pam, Gillette...

throw his ass in the brig.

Yeah, well...

I guess we'll see about that!


The brig.

Like, where do they get off?

They're the ones running
around, changing clothes

and shooting people
in the neckwith darts

and... eating
perfectly good magazines.

You know?
I mean, that's crazy.

I mean, right?

- Yes, sir.
- Yeah.

Thank you.Mmm.

God, that's good.

Wait, are...
are... are you supposed to be here?

No, sir.

Huh. Now, that's disconcerting.

Yes, sir.

Corrections done by srjanapala

in Georgia.