Archer (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 7 - Archer: 1999 -- Space Pirates - full transcript

A voyage home gets interrupted by an alien battle cruiser carrying precious cargo.

Ugh, I'm tired
of being out here.

I wanna go home.

Eww, Earth?
In space we can do whatever

the hell we want with
basically no responsibilities.

Kind of my point.
Maybe I'm ready to start

having a real life instead of
being stuck here with your ass.

Shh, my ass might hear you,
and it's very sensitive.

Of course, you know that.
Not engaging.

I'm just saying, maybe it's
time to hang this all up and...

Ugh, is this about
your aching uterus again?

Okay, who said anything about...

Well, we haven't talked
about settling down but...

- Nope.
- Key word "settling."

I'm down with going to Earth.

I could use some fresh faces
to bang.

And our bar stock is so low,
I may have to resort to beer.

Has everyone gone crazy?

We're on the final frontier
and you want to go back

to doing day jobs
and gravity-laden sex?

- Not my first preference.
- I vote with Archer.

- Robots don't get a vote.
- I prefer "synthetic human."

No one gets to vote.
I'm the captain.

And as the other co-captain,

I am setting a course for Earth.

No, Lana, I will not let you
hyperspace us to Boring-town.

What the... ow!

Holy spacesnacks!

It's a Dri'n battle cruiser.

And somehow
it hasn't noticed us.

No, we're too close

for its long-range scanners
to pick us up.

Great, let's just
loop around this bad boy

and hyperspace somewhere
that is not Earth.

If we can destroy it, we will

cripple pirate activity
in this sector.

Who cares?

And collect a 30 million credit bounty

for taking it out.

As I was saying,

who cares about combating
space piracy more than me?


The very reasonable reward
is just icing on the cake.

Guys, as captain of this ship...


I am making
an executive decision.

We're taking out
that Dri'n bastard.

Like I already
executively decided.

Hands in.
"Space cowboys" on three.

One, two...

What the hell are you doing?

Okay, here's the plan:

after we board the ship,
knock out a couple

of Dri'n guards, and then...
You'll love this...

Put on their clothes...
Not to be a buzzkill,

but you think there'll really
be a plus-sized pirate on board?

Ugh, this is a horrible
plan.- I'm not finished.

Pam, you'll be our "prisoner."

- Sweet!
- Lucky.

- Still a horrible plan.
- Let me finish!

We'll infiltrate the ship
disguised as Dri'n guards.

That's it.
That's the whole plan.

This is not a plan.

This is the plot
of several famous films.

Well, why do you think
they're famous, Lana?

We'll need Ray
to get us some explosives.

He's taking a sick day.

- Of course he is.
- We get those?

It's a miracle we don't
crash into the sun

with all you Sick Day Cyrils
and Personal Day Pams.

It is a pretty generous
package if you use it right.

Space phrasing.

Well, where am I supposed
to get explosives?

"Thermite" be something
I can do to help.

Referencing thermite explosives.

I did not enjoy that.

Does this thing have an off switch?

Aww, I have feelings.

Volume control?

Then we'll plant the thermite
all over the ship

and hola explosivo.

- I'm confused.
- It's Spanish, Pam.

No, how will we get
the "Seamus" out of here

without us pinging their scanners?

That's where Cyril
and Carol come in.

You two will disable
the radar system on board.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Please don't.

I can disable the radar system!

Can you disable yourself?

Beep, bop, boop.
Ya burnt.

Why not Krieger?

I mean, he's qualified
even if he is a replicant.

Thank you, Lana,
but I like to think

I'm more of a Repli-can.

No bots.

Mother, you stay and run comms.- Stay here?

With the liquor?
Well, if you insist.

Space cowboys, let's ride!

Would you stop trying
to make "space cowboys" stick?

It isn't.
Fine, Lana.

You stay here and be
the world-weary

space saloon/brothel madam.

I wanna be a brothel madam!-
Ooh, I... I could be the banker

and wear one of those
green visors.

Everybody stop
making this stick!

And if anything,
I would be co-sheriff.

That's not a thing.

The whole thing's not a thing!

Whoa, space cowboys.

- What is it now, Krieger?
- I've got helpful gadgets!

Like these voice changers!

The Dri'n tongue is a beast,
you know.

Fine, but honestly, Krieger,
this is all a little thirsty.

- Like Lana's ovaries.
- Not engaging.

Doesn't someone need
to be proposing

before you're engaging?

Not en...

She totally disarmed your phrase.

So what's our plan when

these shitty voicechangers don't work?

- I can hear you.
- Well, I picked up

some phrases
banging a pirate or two.

Here's how to say,
"Faster, harder."

Because that'll come in handy.

Now you try it.

No, it's more like...
You know the sound you make

after letting out a fart
you've been holding in all day?

Oh, please.
You've never held in a fart

in your life.
Tough but fair.

Like now, Pam.
Now would have been

a great time to hold it in.

I have... I have no idea

what she said,
but it just sounds funny.

Jesus, Cyril, watch the landing.

You gotta slide it
in there gently.

You are a terrible pilot.

You put me on a job
that's not my specialty.

That's bad captaining.

Oh, now you share the credit?- Fine.

I should have assigned Cyril
to his specialty of, uh...

What is your specialty again?
Space accounting?

You're putting "space"
in front of it

to make it extra silly,
but it's actually

really an important part
of running a ship.

That was quick.

He's asking...

He was just asking

where we got these
human costumes, but...

Oh, thank God you're here, Cyril.

You're so quick on the draw.

My blaster got stuck
in its holster.

- I can help with that.
- Stop it!

Unwanted advance
in the workplace.

Take it up with the Dri'n pirate HR.

Get those uniforms on and
put in your voice changers.

More pirates will be coming.

On my tits.

Do you even have tits?

They're retractable.

Now, where is that mainframe?

This ship has zero Feng Shui.


There's gotta be a switch
to get a laser bridge

or something.

Why people build
dangerous ravines

in spaceships is beyond me.

You gotta warn me next time!

We almost... and that hook
is not secure!

How do you even know
the mainframe is on this side?

Oh, I don't.

I just find terror kind of hot, you know?

I do not know.

Not to mention the woman
swinging the man across

is totally...

Shit balls!

Guys, remember, place them

on the structural beams
for maximum impact.

I need more.
I'm missing a testicle.

- What the hell are you doing?
- What's the big deal?

It's thermite;
throw it anywhere,

it's gonna blow up the ship.

I'm not letting you waste thermite.

Give me the thermite.

- God damn it, Archer.
- Uh-oh.

It was an accident.
Yeah, it was flirty horseplay.

- These aren't toys.
- Your boobs?

- Because I beg to differ.
- It's stuck.

Krieger, how do you peel off
these thermite charges?

Oh, no worries there.- Oh, good.

It's a super polymer.
Can't be removed or disarmed.

I thought they would peel
off like air fresheners.

They look like air fresheners.
Just take your shirt off, then.

I'm not wearing a shirt
or bra under this.

- Oh, I noticed.
- We all noticed.

Is it for the pirates?

Because they do not make
good husbands, Lana.

I am not trying
to get a pirate husband.

This ship has no AC and
pirate garb isn't exactly...

Oh, shit.


Huh, it actually worked.

Almost like Krieger knows
what he was doing.

I'm sorry, Lana.
He'll never be a space cowboy.

Now, let's blow up this ship...
Without blowing my tits off.

Give me one more.
I need to finish my testicle.

- Here.
- Seriously?

Guys, even for me this
is getting childish.

Don't mention children.

Lana will smear her mascara.

Eavesdropping and lobbing
insults is not running comms.

I knew I should have
done the assigning,

because everyone you picked
is spectacularly wrong

for the job.

See, this is what
I'm talking about.

Why would they put the mainframe

right next door to the mess?

The heat would be hell on the data core.

What, did you read that in your

spaceship architecture magazine?

You mean "Starchitectural Digest"?

Yes. Shall we get to work?


do you know how to disable a radar system?


Is this another "fear is hot" thing,

or do you really not know?

Because I sure don't.

Ugh, bad captaining!

Mission accomplished.

How long should we set
the timers for?

All right, let's see.
Uh, Cyril and Cheryl

have to disarm the radar;we all have to get

to the hatch; and I have to
strip this pirate suit off

so the bomb won't blow my tits off.

And Archer's baby-maker!

Don't... don't say "baby," Pam,

because you know...


You set them off!
How much time we got?

- Shit, 11 minutes.
- Jesus!

Couldn't you have kicked
a higher number?

Or, you know, not at all?

- We gotta run.
- Yeah, not much of a runner.

Okay, guys, listen up.
We have 11 minutes

to get our asses off this
ship before it explodes.

Oh, God. If you find terror hot,

I must be gorgeous to you right now.

- Yeah.
- No, stop!

I shouldn't even be here!
I should have been the one

kicking back on the "Seamus"
running comms!

For your information,
I've got my hands full.

Full of what, gin and tonics?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

We can hear the ice clinking.

No, that's space static.

Must be sun spots.

We need you to connect us with Ray.

- He's on a sick day!
- We're going to blow up

in 11 minutes.

Closer to ten.

Hold, please.

Ray, thank God.
We need your help.

Yeah, kind of in the middle
of something.

Ray our surgery pod
is not designed

for recreational use.

- This is a medical procedure.
- Scented candles?

Is it a crime to want
to brighten up my colonoscopy?

- I think not.
- You said

it wasn't recreational!

Colorectal cancer's
serious business.

You should be checked
every 10 years after 50.

Ugh, how old are you?

Or if you have
atypical symptoms,

like a change in bowel habits.

Speaking of which, we're in the bowels

of an enemy battle cruiser!
I'll be wearing

my colorectal blue ribbon
that says, "I got tested."

Tomorrow, after my sick day.
Which you're interrupting.

Ugh, we need you
to walk us through disabling

a giant spaceship
radar system thingy.

But my crisis vest is on Deck 2.

- Ray!
- Fine.

Let old Ray just interrupt
his prescribed

lifesaving medical test
to call up

alien battle cruiser
schematics on his sick day.

Don't suppose you have
a ship model number?

We're inside the ship, so no.

And kind of in a hurry!

Do you see
a blinking green light?

We're dead.

Don't you just crave
its sweet release?

Okay, sending you
the disarming protocols... now.

Thanks, Ray, you're a lifesaver.

You're... God damn it, Ray.

Is this a picture of your colon?

- Aww.
- Sorry.

This wine might be mixing
with my propofol.

I do see why this is addictive.

We only have eight minutes!

Don't get your panties
in a bunch.

Also, do you see any polyps?

Lana, how is it possible

you wanna give all this up for diapers?

I don't know,
maybe because I don't need

to play two-bit space cowboy

just because I'm scared
of commitment.

How dare you speak
precisely the truth at me.

Hey, guys! Wait up!

You used to be fun.

Now you want to do not-fun stuff

like settling down.

Well, I got news for you, sister.

Don't say that, ever.

Settling is for potato chips.-
Oh, God, Archer.

Will you stop treating me
like some baby-crazy cliché

of maternal desire?

Aww, look at them!

Oh, come on, Lana.

Space ocelots.

Actually, they're called "grimalkians."

Shut your mouth, Pam.

That is a goddamn space ocelot.

Ah, son of a bitch.

You're a real natural.
I've seen these before.

A shithead ex of mine had one as a pet.

I think they're endangered.
No doubt the Dri'n

stole them to sell their fur
to illegal traders.

Yeah, this ex was an illegal
trader, so that all tracks.

Shit, we've only got
seven minutes

to get off this death star...
Lowercase "D," lowercase "S"...

And back to the "Seamus" before
we explode in a million pieces.

No, we can't blow up the
ship with them on board.

They'll go extinct.
I'll watch anything

that asshole loved burn.

Just look how adorable they are.


Guys, look at this! They love me!

It's like I'm their king!

Uh, Cyril, Cheryl?
Did you guys...

Fail spectacularly at the
one task you were given?

You said turn off the radar.

You didn't say anything
about an alarm!

It was clearly implied.

Yes, it was. Wasn't it?

Yes, it was.

All clear.
No intruders in here.

Oh, shit, is that English?

He's the intruder you're looking for!

Aww, balls. Mine's broken too.

Hey, screw you for that.

Girl's gotta
self-preserve, dude.

Okay, so now we need
to rescue Cyril and Cheryl...

Yeah, that's great,
but weave another rescue first.

- What?
- The space ocelots, Pam.

We've got six minutes,

so let's start with the...

widdle baby furballs.

Oh, mother...

Is not what you should be,

because these things
do not like you.

It is a hilarious twist of fate.

Holy hell, those little
twerps are quick.

Oh, well.
Let's get out of here.

What the...

- Aww, he likes you.
- Um, no, Lana.

He loves me.

This guy is so cool.

Here, Lana, get a picture.

Just kick the little
shit off and let's roll!

We're buds!

I'm a badass space cowboy,
and he's my deputy!

Don't you wanna
jump on my shoulder

and be my widdle deputy?

I'm a co-space cowboy.

Wow, jealousy is an
ugly color on you, Lana.

Something's wrong with this blaster!

Have you tried
opening your eyes?


They actually are open! For real!

Guess that's not
a factor anyway.

Where's the fire, brother?

Oh, shit, was that English?

Why'd you even open
your big mouth, Archer?

He was running right by us.

I think the better question
is, why do we even have

a ship robot
if he can't even make

his stupid robot gadgets work?

- We're cut off!
- My circulation is cut off.

The grip on this thing is unreal.

Look at this! He's eating this shit up.

Come on, little buddy.

Let's go in the fun tunnel.

- Pam?
- Nah.

I don't do tight spaces
I'm not familiar with.

Just go.
I'll hold them off

and meet you at the dock.

Come and get it, space dicks!

Well, at least it's downhill.-
A little too downhill.

Are you sure this is an air vent?

Of course it's an air vent.

Ugh, you've gotta be
shitting me.

Oops, I guess it wasn't
an air vent.

Ah, my blaster jammed!

Blasters don't jam,
you lying fleshbag!

You're pathetic!
Cover me!

- I thought you had a plan!
- I do!

I'm making a necklace.

I will give you one of my teeth.

Just get me off this ship.
Nope, it's not the same.

It has to be from a kill.

Unless that's something
you might be interested in.

Ew, no. Hey, any chance

of getting a rescue here?

- Yeah, uh, about that.
- Oh, Lana.

Thank God.
Archer had us escape

in a stupid air vent that...
Air vent, copy that.

- Cyril, let her finish.
- Oh, God, this is a dead end.

We have two minutes!
What do we do?

Ugh, you're not gonna
wet your uniform

like last time?
Not the time or place.

Actually, this is
a pretty good time and place.

New plan: we form
a human-ocelot ladder...

- Ugh, I'd rather just die.
- To get back to the air vent.

Stop calling it an air vent.



Thank God.- You're running the wrong way.


It's in my mouth.

This is not good.

Even my little ocelotbud bailed.

I'm calling Krieger for backup.

No, Lana. Space cowboys do or die.

He's our only option.

Malory, Krieger, come in!
Come in!

Yes! It's Krieger.
What do you need? I can do it!

Get down here, stat.

We need backup immediately.

Trash compactor.
I'm on it!

Needed by real humans.

My God, why did we
even bring him?

This is it, people!

This is the end!

Brace yourselves
for obliteration!

I really like her this way.

- I'm kind of into it myself.
- Wait! Look!

They're demons in disguise.

I've been fooled.

- Ugh.
- Oh, my God.

Why does it have to be so gross?

Stand back, folks.

I've "bot" this.

And once again, you and

your iron heart are completely useless.

There's my pal!

Back to normal.
You can't quit me, can you?

How much time?

30 seconds.

This is gonna be tight.

It wouldn't be tight if
you hadn't screwed up

the assignments!

Whatever, Lana.

Maybe I screwed up the
assignments on purpose

so you'd feel needed
and want to stay.

Oh, please.
Maybe you're just saying that

as a cool way to cover
screwing up the assignments.

Oh, go have an Earth baby,
why don't you?

Oh, we can't just leave these
space ocelots here.

And, yes, we can.

Pam, I'm not gonna do this
with you.

I'm already too upset.

Oh, God, their eyes.

- Even though they hate you?
- Yep, even though.

- 15 seconds!
- I think these furry banshees

are just gonna have
to stay on board.

I meant on board the other ship.

Oh, God damn it to shit!

Can't these bastards
stay in the cargo hold?

Mommy's just joking.

I think we all
know who the fun parent is.

Made in Georgia.