Archer (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 4 - Archer: 1999 -- Dining with the Zarglorp - full transcript

Deep in space, Archer and the crew encounter a terrifying cosmic beast; even deeper, they encounter a self-aggrandizing life coach.

♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
little star ♪

♪ How I wonder what you are ♪

♪ Something, something,
up so high ♪

♪ Kicking, screaming,
burned alive ♪

Goddamn it, Cheryl,

are you gonna shoot
this goddamn thing or what?

Well, it's hard for me
to make a decision

without knowing
what this "or what" option is.


For God's sakes, Lana,

do you literally
want to become lunch?

The gas pedal
is the one on the right.

I'm trying.
I can't get any power.

Why are these guns
so freaking loud?

My earballs are on fire!

Shoot him in the dick!

Space snails

don't have dicks.

Technically, they have both

male and female
reproductive organs,

so they can inseminate
and be inseminated.

Cyril's definitely been
to those kind of parties.

- Space burn.
- Would you idiots

mind focusing
on the problem at hand, please?

Krieger, why can't I get
any power from the boosters?

What the hell is going on
with the power supply?

Goddamn it!

Something must be
depleting power from the ship.

Did someone leave the fan on
in the bathroom again?

- Not me.
- And why not?

What is with all the banging
and the shouting?

Are we hosting a quinceañera?

Oh, shit!


I left my purse in there!

- That was awesome.
- Awesome?

We're stuck inside
a space nautilus

somewhere between his colon
and his cloaca.

What's a cloaca?

It's an organ that's used
for excretion

and also intercourse.


Pam, shut up.

You know, for the person
who got us into this mess,

you certainly are yelling
at people a lot.

- You got us into this mess.
- Hey, let's not point fingers.

Especially yours, Lana.

Those things are like
cricket bats.

You're the one
who wouldn't listen to me

and set our course for a galaxy

to which we've never been
before, and, as we can now see,

is a ship-eating
cosmo crustacean.

Well, you were the one
making the flight super boring,

so I started punching
colored buttons

on the navigation panel,

building to a loud,
yelly, final last point!

Can we please figure out
how the hell

we're getting out of here?

- Yeah!
- We are totally boned.

Would everyone relax. We'll just

fire up the old plasma torch,

cut an ulcer in this thing,
and zorp our way out of here.

Okay. Don't waste
any more power.

It'll work.

No, it will not.

Well, not with that attitude.

That wasn't me, idiot.

- I tried that, too, when I got here.
- Wha...

Can't you go anywhere these days

without being accosted
by the homeless?

Um, so I guess I'll just
wait out here, then,

like some space-flunky.

This is so stupid.

"Lead us into battle, Cheryl."

"Rescue the ship
from certain doom, Carol."

Who am I, Artemisia I of Caria?

You know what I mean.

Oh, God!

Is it... a human?

Of sorts.

Smells like
a diaper's coffin in here.

This is why
you don't invite them in.

- She's a vampire?
- Everyone shut up.

Who are you
and what are you doing here?

My name is Glenda Price,

captain of the starship
Tristan of Coralia.

I also commanded
the CoreStart mission.

Wrote a book about it.

Space Me, Space You.

About all the good we did

and the lives we saved
throughout the universe?

The cover art is my
Intergalactic Peace Prize medal?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember that.
- I love Space Me, Space You.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, space.

Anyway, the Tristan was on

an intergalactic
humanitarian mission

when we ran into the Zarglorp.

What's the Zarglorp?

- Seriously?
- Come on!

Even I know that was stupid.

The creature that ate us, dummy.

- Jesus, all right, sorry.
- We were delivering

medical supplies to poor
children and burn victims

when an asteroid storm
forced us off course

into the Targluk Galaxy.

Is that how
you all ended up there?

Uh... uh, y-yup.

Asteroid storm.

Size of eggs.

Ah, yes. We got dragged in
and swallowed whole.

The Tristan is still wedged
nearby in the digestive canal.

- And your crew?
- Oh, we made do at first.

We played softball,
taught ourselves piano.

But then the rations ran out
and, one by one,

they killed themselves.

- Wow.
- Cheesy Petes.

Captain, I am so sorry
to hear that.

Me too. We lived in our own
little utopia.

They were my best friends.

Best friends?
But they work for you.

Anyhow, then, as they died,
we'd eat them.


there's no way out of here.

We'll slowly be digested over
the next hundred years or so.

A hundred years?
That's, like, forever.

- Nobody lives that long, idiot.
- You definitely won't

if you don't
keep your mouth shut.

All right, calm down. We aren't
spending the rest of our lives

in some space prawn's shit
factory. Krieger, figure out

why there's no power
to the boosters and fix it.

- Yep, yep, yep.
- Ray,

fix anything
damaged in the crash.

Pam, Lana, and I will go back
to the Tristan

and collect anything that might
help us get out of here.

Cyril, I guess
just keep being useless.

- Captain?
- What do you need?

I want to help you all
get to safety,

like when I rescued
the Vantaurians

from that ELE on Vantaur Five,

then used all my money

to get them all
universal health care.

That's insurance
that is accepted

throughout the universe.

Wow, what a goddamn saint
you are.

Do you have any blast charges
on your ship?

Yes, but do not use them,

Okay, Pam, this is crucial.

Once we're out there,
look for anything we can use

to make me a drink.

We're in the middle
of a space creature's stomach.

There's always something
that can be a mixer, Lana.

I made a drink once
out of Barbicide and hair gel.

It's called a Moscow Mousse.

Well, it seems like you all

have this situation
under control.

Under control?
We're currently food.

Well, you know me.

Always "glass half full."

♪ Ta-ta.

Okay, pro: All my stuff
is on board,

including that kick-ass purse

that has metal studs
on the bottom

so it doesn't touch
gross restaurant floors.

I'm gonna have to keep doing

stupid fighter pilot missions,
and they're so boring

'cause I'm so good.

Pro: I'm here.

Is that you, voice in my head?

You sound so much older.
And drunker.

Look at the screen,
you glue-eating pinhead.

Oh! I've seen this show!
With the mean lady!

- Um... Matlock!
- Listen to me.

We have to fly down
into that monster this instant.

For my purse? I know, right?

It matches literally everything.

No, you clod.
To pick up Sterling,

then get the hell out of here.

Mm, no, thanks.

What do you mean, "No, thanks"?

I'm probably
just better off leaving

and starting a new life.

Hey, you want to come?

- Gals' trip!
- Absolutely not!

Now listen to me. We are
flying back down there and...

You're not my space supervisor!

All right, Cyril,
while we're gone,

keep Captain Price company.

She's been through a lot.

Maybe you'll learn
a thing or two from her.

Oh, from the woman
who got her ship eaten

and her whole crew killed?

That's still more than you've
ever accomplished, Cyril.

Keep her company.

Cyril, right? Come over here.

Sit down. Let's have a chat,
just you and I.

Would you like to hear the story

of how I saved
the Drang population

after the Great Flood
of the Mupak Valley?

You know what? Yes, I would.

Screw it,
if we're dying in here,

I'm gonna go ahead
and finish that cake.

I mean, I don't even care.

- Krieger?
- Still looking for the source of the power loss.

Seems like it's been
getting sucked all night.

Space phrasing.
All right, find it and fix it.

Once this thing pukes us out,

we're gonna need those boosters
to get out of this galaxy.

Don't worry, my child.

Daddy's here.



What was that bullshit
back there with Cyril?

"Keep Captain Price company"?

Since when do you care
about other people's feelings?

Well, unlike you, Lana,
I have empathy.

Oh, wait. Uh, sympathy?

I think it's "symphony."

I can put myself
in Price's shoes, okay?

I know I'm gonna be
the last survivor,

resorting to cannibalism.

Stuck here to die alone,
literally eating dicks.

Oh, come on.

Or, you know, whatever Pam has.

I hesitate
to call that thing a dick.

It's more like a garbage claw.

Oh, pfft. Give me a break.

You don't want to die alone?

You were always gonna die alone.

What's that supposed to mean?

Archer, be honest.

You're not close to anyone
because you don't care.

You don't even bother
to listen to people,

especially me.

That's not true, Lana.

I just listened
to that entire sentence,

and it was excruciating.

Up top.

Holy shitsnacks.

These must be
the suicidal crew members.

Price was talking about.

Uh, you ever hear about
someone committing suicide

by bludgeoning themselves
in the back of the head?

Hey, the blast charges!

Weren't you listening
when Price said

not to set those charges off?

I actually wasn't.
What did she say?

Not to.

Don't make things worse
than they already are.

We're in a monster's colon.

We'll be safe here
behind this big fleshy...

What is this, a tumor?

Aw, poor guy.

Okay, now get back to the ship.

Hey, what's that?

Ugh. Some sort of parasites

that live in this thing's
digestive system.

Yeah, I get those sometimes

if I've been
nosing through the trash.


Remember me saying
something about

not wanting things to get worse?

I actually was listening then.

Will you shut up
and help me think of a plan?

She said, while both talking

and not coming up with a plan.

Archer... Wait.
I just came up with a plan.

It's kind of complex.


I sliced the Florglap
right in his face

and I never looked back.

And because of my heroism,

they made a holiday in my honor.

I mean, not a bank holiday,
but still.

Wow, what a rewarding life.

So, tell me
about your life, Cyril.

Oh, me?

I've had a rough go of it.
You don't want to hear it.

Son, nothing matters to me more.

A captain cares about her crew
more than herself.

That's the captain's code.

Well, okay,
if it's the captain's code.

Uh, I guess it all started
when I was about five.

I never wanted
to be a fighter pilot.

I wanted to work in fashion.

Wouldn't that be a sight to see?

Totally. You see these outfits
we're wearing, right?

Who came up with this?

Does anybody's ass look good
in a flight suit?

- No!
- Well, you know,

I have some friends
in the design world.

Hey! I just had a great idea.

- You know what we should do?
- Yes! We should rob them!

No! We should fly down

into that monster
to get Sterling, then...

I love it!
You and me can be space pirates!

With my fighter pilot skills
and your "zerp-zerp" thing,

we could run this galaxy!

Ooh, let's plan
our pirate outfits!

And it turns out

everyone did know
it was my birthday

and they skipped it
just to hurt my feelings.

To this day, I've never got
to play spin the bottle!

Wow. Life, she is a bitch.

But you know what people say?

When things seem darkest...

What, Captain?

Kill yourself.

Oh, my dear boy,

look at you.

You're an exact replica of me.

Though that hairline
could use a little work.

M-more power!

- Shh, okay, okay.
- More, more, more...

Oh, no, I've killed him!

Oh, God, no!

Son, I didn't mean to kill you.


- Murderer!
- No, no, shh!

- Murderer! Murderer!
- No, no, shut up, shut up. No, no, no, you're fine.

- Murderer!
- You're fine. You're alive! Shh, shh, shh!

- You are mur...
- No, no!

I am not a murderer,

you stupid head!

Figured out the power problem!

Okay, now,

the rabbit goes around the tree

and back into the hole.

Is the dehydrated milk
up here somew...

The hell are you doing?

- Killing myself.
- Why, other than the obvious?

Well, sometimes
killing ourselves

is the most noble thing we
can do for our fellow survivors.

Have you ever thought about it?

Okay, nope, get that thing
off your neck.


You know what we have
on our hands here, Cyril?

A dirty mutineer.

"And finally, to my crewmates:

"I regret leaving this world
so early,

"but I shall see you
in the next." Good?

Then maybe something like,
um, "All my love, Cyril."

Please eat me."

Hmm. Yeah.

See? He thinks it's good too.

Now let's find you
a load-bearing pipe.


Can anyone hear me?


Ooh! What about eye patches?

I mean, we don't actually have
to have our eyes cut out

to wear them...
Unless you want to.

Can anyone hear me?

Arr, this is
Space Pirate Cheryl. Go ahead.

There's a psycho loose
on the ship!

She's brainwashing the crew
to kill themselves

so she can eat us!


Cheryl, listen to me.
We have to go in there.

Duh, of course
we have to go in there.

There's someone
brainwashing people

into killing themselves!

- Hurry up!
- Let's go!

All right, me hearties, open up!

Here be breakfast!

Well, well,

well. Looks like we have

a dirty traitor in our midst.

I think you know
what to do, Cyril.

What the hell is this?

Cyril's trying to kill me!

Then I'm gonna kill myself.

Then they want us to eat them.

- Smart.
- Cyril, you idiot, Price is space-mad.

She convinced her crew
to kill themselves

so she could eat them.

Wh... Wow.

I... never.

I am Glenda Macmillan Price,

intergalactic hero,

and I'll be damned
if you'll accuse me...

Hey, guys?
We're down to auxiliary power.

No way to know
how that happened.

But I do have an idea.
Captain Price, you said

your ship was lodged
in the digestive tract,

- but it's not out of power, correct?
- That's right.

Well, if the fuel rods
are undamaged,

conceivably, we could
hook up our generator

to the Tristan,
throw the switch,

and it could
generate enough heat

- possibly to induce vomiting.

- What the hell is that sound?
- Those are the giant

man-eating parasites
that have been chasing us

since Archer set off the blast
charges Price told us not to!

I think we all learned
a valuable lesson from that

that we wouldn't
have known otherwise, and...

now we know.

You idiot!

I've been successfully hiding
from those things for years!

Hey, how about this?
I say we try Krieger's idea.

Lana, get behind the wheel

and get this sucker ready
to blow out of here.

Cyril, stop trying
to kill yourself.

Aw, Archer.

Help Krieger ready the boosters,

then kill yourself if you want.

Captain, you're coming with me
and Pam back to your ship

to show us
where the fuel rods are.

Then we hook them up
and get the hell out.


Suicide cult, here I come!

Damn it!
How does this beast stay alive

- with all these parasites?
- Yeah.

Plus I think we saw a tumor.

He seems so young, too.

Come on! I was about
to do my finishing move.

Hey, wait a minute,

I thought you said the crew
ran out of rations, Price.

Fine! Yes!
I went space-crazy, okay?

I killed some of the crew,

some killed each other
at my order,

and others killed themselves
to escape my bloodthirsty wrath.

You're like a dog
with a bone about this.

- God!
- All right, here,

hook them up.

There's just one problem.

Archer, what the hell
is taking so long?

We have to get moving.

Uh, we've got a little problem.

What is it?

When we transfer power
between the ships,

the Seamus will immediately
shoot out of this thing...

Hopefully through its mouth
and not its duke chute.

Shut up, Pam. But in doing so,

whoever powers up the Tristan
will be left behind.


- Well...
- Wait, what's that?

I-I can barely hear you.

Price should stay back?

I didn't hear anything.

Unanimous vote, you say?

Well, looks like
the people have spoken.

So give us, like, to the count
of 60 to get back,

then juice this baby up.

The hell I'm staying back.

Glenda Price
didn't eat directly out

of a bridge crewman's
eye socket to die here today.

Price, listen, you're
a self-obsessed megalomaniac

who sacrificed her crew
for her own survival.

You only ever
thought of yourself.

- You're a villain.
- Ugh.

But in your final moments,
you can be remembered

for all the good you did

instead of your,
you know, cannibalism.

But how would people know
what I did to save you all?

Here, I'll record
your heroic farewell.

And I promise,
the entire galaxy will hear it.


This is Captain Glenda Price
of the Tristan.

Of all the many humanitarian
missions I've been on,

all the lives I've saved,

this last act of bravery

shall be my greatest.

Sure, there will be songs
of my courage

and statues in my honor.

But know that serving
my fellow man...

it was my privilege.

Get out of here.

Captain's orders!

Aye, aye, Captain.

For what it's worth,
I would have liked being

an outlaw space pirate with you!

Even though you're kind of mean

and mostly electromagnets,

you're still my favorite!

I hope this thing
chews you like gum,

you crazy bitch.

- All right, Lana, light it up.
- Krieger, are we ready to go?

- Yep, yep, yep.
- Okay.

Captain Price,
for the final time,

please power up for liftoff,
you brave, brave soul.

Aye, aye.

Jesus Christ,
it's one goddamn button, Price.

How hard is it not to screw up
the last moment of your life?

It's working!

It's working.
Hold on. Here we go.

That's them! They got out!

Fly away, you idiot! Fly away!

Stop yelling at me!

Is it just me, or is this
literally the best tea

- in the entire galaxy?
- That's probably the opium talking.

Chasing that space dragon. Rawr!

So now

not only am I
not a part of a suicide cult.

I'm never gonna get a chance
to be ever again.

There, there, dear.

You're dead to me.
That must count for something.

Aw, thanks.

Hey, I forgot to ask...
How did you end up

- getting out of there?
- We were able to generate

enough heat from the fuel rods
that the Zarglorp spit us out.

Oh, of course...
The extra fuel rods

in the downstairs storage room.

I was hoping you'd find those.
Glad they worked out.

Yeah, worked out for everybody.

So you gonna
upload Price's farewell

so the entire galaxy
can hear it?

Are you kidding me?

- I wasn't recording that.
- Wait, what?

What about your promise?

Wow, you really are an asshole.

Oh, I'm the asshole.

Lana, that lady ate people.

Hey, I could
really go for a Moscow Mousse.

You want one?

Made in Georgia.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH