Archer (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 2 - Archer: 1999 -- Happy Borthday - full transcript

The crew provides entertainment for Bort while Barry-6 tries to crack Archer's safe.

Well, this is another fine mess.

Thanks to your idiot son.

You're as much to blame
as he is.

Wha... how?

- Exactly.
- Wait, what?

- You heard her!
- Don't yell at her!

- Don't yell at her!
- Don't yell at him!

- What are you doing?
- I don't know!

Guys, come on!

I think we could all
benefit from not yelling!

The only thing
you'd benefit from is an EMP.

Not even as a joke.

Do I look like I'm joking?

I mean, honestly,
it's hard to tell with you,

what with that robot face.

Well, I'm not joking.

I actually
didn't think you were.

Because, meat-bag,
I don't think it's funny

when people steal from me.

What... is that
what this is about?

What'd you think it was about?

Again, hard to tell with you
because of your...

Say "robot face" again,

- Delivery?
- Oh.

You're gonna talk to me
about delivery,

after you stole my cargo?

- I didn't steal it.
- I still have it.

- You... where is it?
- On the "Seamus."

I was bringing it to you.
Why do you think I'm here?

Wha... because I captured you?

- Potato, pobobot.
- What?

Look, let me go back to
the ship, I'll get the thing,

bring it back here,
and everything's space-jake.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

You must think
I'm pretty stupid.


How bout you tell me
where it is?

- In the safe.
- Let me finish!

I send a couple of my guys
to go get it,

- and...
- - Well.

- Send a couple you don't like...
- Let me...

Because if they punch in
the wrong combination,

they're gonna be eating
a 20-kiloton burrito for lunch.


It's got a nuclear

Okay, so then how bout you
tell me the right combination?

Well, because I feel like
if I did,

I'd no longer be negotiating
from a position of power.

You think you're in
a position of power?


Okay, well, I'm gonna go
do this thing with...

Well, to your friends.

Tell 'em hey.

And I'm while I'm gone,

I'd really like you
to give some thought to

telling me the combination.

I feel like
I have thought about it.

Well, but you haven't
met my buddy...


Jesus Hannibal Christ.


Say hello, Funbeak.

Hello, Fun-un-unbeak.

You kook.

♪ ♪

Okay, I'm looking around
and I'm seeing

some pretty mopey faces.

Yeah, 'cause you're
selling us into slavery

down in the spek mines.

Wait, what?

- Well, not all of you.
- Come again?

Space phrasing!

Well, thanks to your buddy Bort,

one of you
has a chance to go free,

and, hell, I'll even
throw in your ship.

- Come on.
- That is our ship!

First of all, that's my ship.

- Half yours.
- Shut up.

- And...
- And who knows?

Maybe you'll win it back.

- Win it back how?
- Oh, man.

I was hoping you'd ask that,

because this sets up
my big reveal.



- Ah!
- Jesus Space Christ!

- Oh, man!
- Ah!

♪ ♪

Holy shit,
it's that dickhead Bort!

Hey, hey, guys!

Whoever doesn't die,
let's hang out after.

♪ ♪

Pretty sweet reveal, huh?

- Gladiator fights?
- Are you serious?

Maybe it is my delivery.

Yeah, Bort rented y'all
for his birthday party.

- Rented?
- Unless you die.

Well, then he's buying you.

Wait, have we done this before?

- Somebody has.
- - Right?

Doesn't matter.

Okay, so while I go check in
on Archer's torture sesh,

y'all decide
who's gonna fight who.

Actually, it's "whom."

I said "whom."

- Or not.
- I don't know.


What do you guys think
about my delivery?

Well, now what
are we supposed to do?

I guess we gotta
pick somebody to fight against.

Aw, man, I can't fight you guys.

I literally can't.

According to
the First Law of Robotics,

I'm not allowed to
harm a human being.

- I pick Krieger!
- Wha... no way!

- Yes way!
- Cyril!

- Shut your fat mouth!
- I get Krieger!

- Excuse me?
- I...

No, I mean, come on.
I called dibs.

- Well then, I get Ms. Archer!
- Aw, man!

Well, as much as I'd like
to see you idiots

stomp each other's heads in...

- Perhaps another time.
- Ho-ho!

Where the hell
do you think you're going?

To rescue Sterling
and get off this rock.

Plus, there has to be
a bar around here.

Oh, no you don't!

- Whoop.
- Ow!


- Okay, I pick you.
- Bring it.

- Oh, I will.
- I'm bringing extra.

So, Cheryl and Lana,
Cyril and me,

and where does that leave Pam?

As the loneliest gal
at the Monsters' Ball.

Krieger, wanna swap with me?

- Yep, yep, yep.
- Wait, what?

Oh, man,
this is gonna be so gross.

What is?

Cleaning your nuts out
from between my toes.



You better gulp nervously.

Lana, do something!

Okay, okay.

Me and Carol,

- Cyril and Krieger...
- Yes!

Then those two winners fight,
and then I guess

Pam gets that winner.

- Aw.
- We're all winners in my book.

And I guess just try
to make your fights look real,

and maybe that'll
buy us some time

to come up with a plan
to get out of this crazy place.

That's Sterling!

Come on, already!
What are you, hourly?

I am, actually.

Please don't do tha...


I can't take any more.

But Funbeak
has so much more to give.

That was a joke.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Listen, listen, listen to me.

You guys seriously have to
work on your delivery.

Funbeak will try again.

Did you hear the one
about the human with no penis?


- Wait. Hang on.
- Funbeak messed it up.

Uh... hang on.
Uh... okay.



- Hey!
- Mother?

Sterling, are you all right?

I'm not great.

Who are you and
what are you doing?

Well, I was drinking
a surprisingly good martini,

but now it seems
I'll have to settle for

whipping the ass off
of some robot cereal mascot.

Funbeak will destroy you.

Bring it, bird!

Holy shit.

This is literally
a dream come true,

which unfortunately
turns super sexual.

Will you quit screwing around?

Oh, you're just jealous.

That you zapped yourself
into the CPU

of the world's ugliest bird?

- You're crazy.
- I'm gorgeous.

Will you...

- How we doing, gang?
- Oh!

Um, uh...

Subject is still uncooperative.

Well, are you zapping
his dick like I told you?

- Yes.
- All right.

- Let me see.
- As you wish.

- Whoa-whoa, wait.
- No-no-no-no-no-no...

Whoo, yeah!

How bout it, bud?

Ready to tell me
the combination to the safe?


All right, well, I'm gonna go

watch his nutwipe buddies
try to kill each other, so...

- Wait, wait, wait!
- What?

Yeah, gladiator fights.

Okay, Funbeak, keep it up
with the ole weenie roast here.

Weenie roast,
that is a good one.


It was good.

And my delivery's fine.

Okay, now cut me out of here!

First tell me
what's in the safe.

- In the what?
- Nothing.

What are you... I was
just trying to buy some time.


Now let's go find the shuttle

and get the hell out of
this dump!

Whoa, wait,
what about the others?

Oh... they'll be fine.

Cyril, no-no-no-no-no!

Holy shit!


More like Isaac Assholimov,
am I right?

I'm right.

Oh, man!

He's cut in half
and still talking smack.

Give it up for him!

Hey, shut up.

Whose birthday is it?

Bort's, exactly.

Okay, put your hands,
tentacles, or cloacas together

for our next contestants,
a couple of furious females,

Carol and Lana!

- What'd I miss?
- Oh, man.

That one dude cut
that other dude...

Look at me... literally in half.


♪ ♪

Good luck out there.

- Yeah!
- She's gonna need it!

- Wait, what?
- Come on, man.

You're spilling
all my robot milk.

♪ ♪

Mother, there's
way too many guards.

We need to go get the others.

What we need is a distraction.

- You could do your bird dance.
- You're one to talk.

- How?
- Exactly.

Wait a minute,
this thing's got a radio.

- What if we called Ray?
- Yeah, what if.

Well, couldn't he do something?

I don't know, I mean, maybe

if we could get him
on the radio.

Mama's out in space!

Mama's doing stuff!

Mama's eating cake!

And if he wasn't Ray.

Probably eating all the cake.

So, come on,
let's go get the others.

But if you leave Lana here,

you'll have the ship back
all to yourself.

Well, you'd still be there.

- Wh...
- And Ray.

- Uh!
- Such a fatty.

And I don't want
the ship bad enough

for Lana to actually,
you know, die.

Who says she's gonna die?

You are gonna die!

Wait, wait, what's going on?

Gladiators, on your marks...

Wait, wait, hang on.

Get set!


- Whoa!
- Bitch!

- Oh, for the...
- Can you believe this?


I'm not gonna lie,

I've got my species' equivalent
of a boner.

- Ugh.
- Ew!

- Shut up.
- You can't smell it.

Yes, we can!


- Berserker!
- No!

No, what are you... no, no!


I did not see that coming,
ladies and gentlemen.

I guess it's just anything go...
Oh, my God!

Oh, so you wanna play for keeps?

Oh, man,
a full-on battle royale!

This may be
the best birthday party ever!

Or, actually,
maybe the third or fourth

best birthday party ever!

I've never had a birthday party.

- Well, and who would come?
- Wha...

What are you guys doing here?

I thought you died
or ditched us.

- Oh, now, uh, nobody died.
- Not yet.

Holy space shit.

Someone's gonna
get hurt out there.

You think?

He said "someone,"
not "something."

- Ugh, you know...
- Krieger, shut up.

How are we gonna
get those dickheads

to stop fighting long enough
for all of us to escape?



Same height, similar build.

Oh come on, no, that's just...

Just crazy enough to work.

And speaking of crazy,

what is that smell?

- Oh, damn it.
- Did Pam have a boner in here?

Wha... you can smell them?

You... you can't?

This wasn't the plan,
you... idiot!

Well, I wasn't paying attention!

- Oh, yeah?
- No, no-no-no-no-no-no...

Well, how do you like
these apples?

I do not like those apples.

- Whoo!
- Thanks, Barry Six.

This is the best!

I mean, I know we're not
friends or anything,

and I actually... I don't really

have many friends,
or any really...

Yeah, you realize
if they kill each other,

you gotta pay for 'em?

Totally worth it.

Plus, I got
a ton of birthday money.

Thanks, Nana!

She used to be super hot.


Psst, hey, dummy.

Yeah, you... you ordered
a tea-bagging?

What in God's name
is a tea-bagging?

Oh... oh, come on.

- Like you don't know?
- I'm sure I don't.

But I'll bet it's
something disgusting.


Now, will you go
wrangle those idiots

so we can get the hell
out of here?

Okay, go get Krieger
ready to move.

Or we could leave him.

- Or you.
- All right!


So, hey, since he brought it up,

do you have any thoughts
on tea-bagging?

Uh, cool.

Uh, excuse me.

Are you even serious right now?


Kooch, the undefeated champion,

is taking on four opponents
at a time?

Did you do this?

A five-man bunkhouse stampede?

How and why would I?

Mm, okay, folks,

let's make some noise for

Is he serious?

'Cause my toes only have room
for so much nut-butter.

- Ew!
- Seriously.

So, temporary truce?

- Ugh!
- I guess.

- Okay, dickbag.
- You ready to party?

- No, wait.
- Wait, wait, guys, it's me...

- Archer?
- Wh... what?

Hey, uh, what are they doing?

Yeah, what are they doing?

Don't stop. We gotta
act like we're fighting

while I tell you my plan.

Well, what's the plan?

- We're gonna run for it.
- Excuse me?

Well, first we get
Krieger and Mother,

and then we're just gonna
haul ass to the gig,

smashing and slashing
anyone who gets in our...

- Oh.
- Oh, okay.

Yeah, I guess they're not
acting suspicious.

And also: Whaaaat?

- Oww!
- That's your plan?

- I'm sorry!
- Did you have a... ow!

Damn it, will you quit
smashing me...


Goddamn... ow!


Fame is a fickle mistress, huh?

- Wait a minute, hang on.
- He's right.

- Huh?
- Wait, what?

What other choice do we have?

If we stay here,
we're as good as dead.

serve you right, by the way.

So, how do we even do this?

- Yeah, see?
- I mean, just like that,

they're cheering for
the other guys, like...

Wait a minute.

No, no, no, no, no,
that's Archer!

Move, Nana!

Well, why do
I have to carry him?

- Because look at you.
- Look at you!

Why are you a bird?

Why are you
a rockslide with tits?


- Ow!
- Shut up.

- Can we go?
- Damn it!

It's my plan,
I'm the group leader!



And I say let's go!


♪ ♪

Still my fourth best birthday.

Mm, third.

♪ ♪


Calm down.

- Let's go!
- Let's go, come on!

God damn it,
I'm the group leader!

Yeah, way to lead, buddy.


Eat dicks, Barry Six.

♪ ♪

Friggin' Bort.

So, uh, listen, uh,

I know things got
a little heated down there,

and maybe we said
and did some things

that we wish we could take back,

but I hope we can put
all that behind us and...

Sterling stole something
from Barry Six and it's

in the safe, so this whole
idiotic fiasco was his fault!

- Archer!
- Busted!

- Archer!
- Come on!

- Well, Mother...
- touched my penis.

- Eww!
- Wait, what?

Yeah, since we're
playing the blame game.

So just picture Mother's
big old nasty bird claw

touching my cock!

What the...


- Oh!
- Jesus Space Christ!


- God damn it!
- Welp.

That's our Pam!

What the hell are you doing?

Freeze frame.

Made in Georgia.