Another Period (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Lucky Chang's - full transcript
Now that Beatrice has achieved some fame, Dodo comes up with the next idea which will make Beatrice become even more famous. That idea requires Beatrice to look as beautiful as possible. In...
Previously on "Another Period"...
I was kidnapped
and I was forced to have sex on camera.
Ah. You've come for me.
- Beatrice.
- Beatrice.
Beatrice, you're a slut. Smile.
Beatrice is a vacant, useless whore,
and that's all she'll ever be.
You're just jealous because
I'm a star and you're not.
♪ Far too lovely
for these eyes to behold ♪
What's the point of living
when Beatrice is famous and I'm not?
♪ And in my shy way, I can't speak ♪
♪ So I wait and wonder when ♪
Oh, Cutie, what's the point of anything
when people you don't even care about
don't know your name
or anything about you?
Let's kill ourselves together.
Going to miss our custom-made
suicide outfits.
[sobs] Come get me, train.
[cries]
- Ah.
- What in... [mutters]
Hey, if you're trying to kill yourself,
this train ain't coming through
here again till Tuesday.
Shit.
Here, give this a read. Kill some time.
I apologize for its stickiness,
but that Beatrice Bellacourt...
ooh, she makes it flow,
if you feel me, huh?
[grunts]
[harp trill]
Oh, and you might want
to try lying diagonal.
Train'll shred you up
real good that way.
Worked on my wife.
"Lucky Chang's Casino."
_
It's a sign.
Who was that dirty angel?
Cutie, there's no problem that
gambling can't solve.
Chinese-town, here we come.
♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪
♪ This is mine, I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪
♪ "Another Period" ♪
[light orchestral music]
[muffled] How about this one, Mother?
Eww. Still too gummy.
This is how a lady smiles.
Faces are hard.
Eww. Frederick got present
skin on me. Get it off.
- Get it off.
- [laughs]
- Very sorry, Madam.
- Ugh.
Master Frederick, where did
you get all these presents?
Oh, these are simply expensive
gifts that I'm accepting
in exchange for political favors.
This one is from the Buffalo Society.
They want to put a buffalo
on the new nickel,
and they need my vote. [chuckles]
There's going to be a new
design on the nickel?
Beatrice.
This is the chance
we've been waiting for.
You know I was the original model
for the Statue of Liberty.
You're not green, Mother.
Of course, I didn't
get to be the statue.
I missed my chance.
But I won't miss yours.
Beatrice, you're going to be on money.
[both giggling]
Beatrice.
I wasn't, I wasn't.
I was just sitting here.
[sinister orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[lively music]
♪ ♪
I've come to drown my sorrows
in the sweet delights
of the game of chance.
Is this Lucky Chang's Casino?
Welcome to America.
Hello.
I'm rich.
Do you speak English?
Is this the right place?
Luck be a lady.
You, my dear, are beautiful.
I know that look.
Sibling problems?
You wouldn't understand.
[scoffs]
You'd be surprised.
Perhaps a game of Fan Tan
would cheer you up?
Why don't you stay and play with us?
"Us"?
I'm Chang.
This is Eng.
Hi.
Guess how many spines we have.
It's two,
and then one, and then two again.
Mm... Siamese.
If Beatrice is going
to get on the nickel,
she needs to look her best.
So I've ordered the latest in
beautification technology
for her makeover.
The goal is to make you
look as much like
a corpse as possible without
actually killing you.
What is this thing, anyway?
Oh, it's an X-ray machine.
It takes pictures of your bones.
That's what servants use it for.
Real people use it to make their
skin pale and sallow.
Garfield, stop looking at my bones,
you pervert.
I would... I wouldn't never...
[stammers] I would never
look at anyone's bones.
What are you doing?
Just figuring out how much
cyanide to inject you with.
Oh, for God's sake,
man, just eyeball it.
The poison will bring out the
ocean-blue color in your veins.
Oh! Oh, it burns, it burns.
Garfield, is the bee box ready?
- Mm-hmm.
- There's a buzzy in there?
Ah. To make your lips fuller.
This will make you appear more
willing and fertile.
[screams]
Presenting the new Beatrice.
Oh.
Beatrice, you look positively
cadaverous.
I... I know. It's like, is
she dead already?
Let me see.
[whimpering]
Mother, I never thought I
could look so beautiful.
And it only hurt a lot.
Beauty is as painful as childbirth,
dear, but far more rewarding.
I believe you're ready.
I'll arrange an artist
to draw your entry
for the nickel competition.
[mumbling] Oh, thank you, Mother.
- What?
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank... thank you, Mother.
[imitating Beatrice] Choo-choo.
Thank you.
Tink ee.
Thank you, Mother.
Crimps.
Thank you, Mother.
It seems that people only value
me for the way I look,
which is great, because I
thought I had no value.
Ow.
[light mystical music]
♪ ♪
Winning number is four.
Oh. I won.
Just like that.
This is almost as easy as being
born rich and beautiful.
That's the magic of Fan Tan.
Where the wand goes, the money grows.
I don't need money.
Oh, you don't play Fan Tan
for the money.
You play it for the rush.
- [giggles]
- If we really wanted
to make money, we should have
went to podiatry school.
Okay.
Enough about the podiatry school.
Feet are recession-proof.
It's a lost art
that some people don't appreciate.
Shh.
We actually play Fan Tan to
forget our troubles.
I totally understand.
I have troubles, too.
My sister is famous.
Beatrice Bellacourt?
Oh, I've... I've never heard of her.
You haven't? Really?
Oh, that's great news.
Yes, you have, Chang.
We just saw her movie.
I said I never heard of her.
Beatrice Bellacourt is your sister?
Whew, she has beautiful blonde hair.
But you have dark hair,
like a Chinese woman.
But you also have white skin,
like a white woman.
Worst of both worlds.
♪ With this life that I got ♪
♪ I'ma do my damn thing ♪
Being the Vice President of
the "Oosa" has its advantages,
and one of those is getting my own copy
of Beatrice's erotic nickelodeon.
I've got my Italian oil,
my velvet sperm catcher,
and my carafe of cocoa.
Finally.
Oh.
[laughs]
God...
[knock at door]
Freddie? What's going on in there?
Oh. Uh, nothing.
Uh, g... uh, I wasn't doing anything.
Just one second.
Just one second.
One second.
Just one second.
Just one second.
One second.
Just one second. One second.
Just one second.
Just one second.
[panting]
Uh, just one second.
Oh.
What are you doing in here?
I... well, I was masturbating.
No.
I... wasn't... I was...
Masturbating...
to a moving picture of my sister.
No. I was not. I was, uh...
[quietly] Oh, think of something.
I was...
I... you see this?
I was... Maass...
Tur...
[quietly] Bating.
[sighs]
Oh, whew.
Whew, that was close.
[modern music]
♪ ♪
Ah. No. That was a birthday
present from myself.
Another loss for the white ghost.
One diamond tiara on number four.
I tell you, as long as I'm
playing Fan Tan,
Beatrice doesn't exist.
I can understand hating your sibling.
Do you hate our sister Bethany?
Not who I was talking about.
How do you deal with it?
Rich inner life. And Fan Tan.
You're a natural, Lillian.
I am pretty good, aren't I?
I mean, I know I'm losing now,
but I tell you, ever since
I've been playing Fan Tan,
I haven't been able to
think of anything else.
How could she be a natural?
Fan Tan's entirely a game of chance.
It just means
Lillian is a very skilled
Fan Tan player, Eng.
But there's absolutely
no skill involved.
She just lost her last four bets.
And the winning number is... three.
Ah.
Last five bets.
Well, I have a feeling
your luck is about to turn.
Wait, so... so you do
understand that it's all luck?
Uh...
Now I'm really confused.
You know, I'm going to do you a favor
and take my break now.
What? You get a break?
Five minutes without Fan Tan?
What am I going to do?
I have one idea.
[sultry music]
[both moaning]
[playing "Hot Cross Buns"]
♪ ♪
My treatments made me very beautiful,
but then I thought,
"What if I was very, very, beautiful?"
Or even very, very beautiful?
[mischievous music]
♪ ♪
[electricity crackling]
[grunts]
[bees buzzing]
[muffled screaming]
[upbeat music]
♪ I'm on the money ♪
♪ When you look at money,
you'll see me ♪
♪ Me, I'm on the money ♪
♪ Poor people will be
so glad to see her ♪
♪ Rich people will be so
glad to love her ♪
♪ She's on the money
she's on the money ♪
♪ She's on the money ♪
♪ Me ♪
♪ She's on the money,
she's on the money ♪
[distorted music]
Ahh!
[gasps] Beatrice.
Ah. Fan Tan.
♪ ♪
Today, the artist I retained
is coming to draw Beatrice's
portrait for her official submission
to the Nickel Selection Committee.
Now, Pablo,
we are hoping for a very
traditional, very classic
rendition of Beatrice.
It is my great pleasure to
paint the beautiful
Bellacourt daughter.
She's very beautiful.
Oh.
My God. Oh, this... here she is.
[whimpers]
[whispered] What have
you done to yourself?
I made myself over and over and over.
Do I look beautiful?
Um...
You're, uh...
Uh, Beatrice, this is, uh,
Pablo the Spaniard.
Um.
An honor to meet you, Miss Bellacourt.
Ah. Your hand is boiling hot.
God damn it.
Really?
'Cause I feel so cold...
so very, very cold.
Oh. [grunts]
Let's just begin, please.
Take a seat, take a seat.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Yes.
- Right.
[light upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Oh, come along, Beatrice.
There's my star. Beautiful girl.
You're a star.
Smile.
- Okay...
- [groaning]
This is no... um...
Smile.
Okay, great.
You know, maybe I should just go.
It's only a 40-day boat
ride back to Spain.
Pablo, don't be ridiculous.
You'll look fabulous, darling.
♪ ♪
[teeth cracking]
[whimpering]
Ow. Uh oh.
Oy.
This one's gone.
Eh. I will just finish this quickly...
Oh!
[gentle music]
I... dios mío.
♪ Come on, number four. Come
on, number four ♪
♪ Come on, number four,
come on, number four ♪
There she is.
Hey, you stole our money.
I don't really need your
judgment right now.
I need support.
Come on, number four.
Specifically, I need $20,000
to keep riding on this Fan Tan train.
Come on, number four.
Let's get out of here, Eng. Ah!
I know what you're
going through, Lillian.
You and I, we're the same on the inside.
Except for having all your organs.
You've always stood in the way
of my dreams,
or at least to the right of them.
Maybe you're the one
who's always stood in
the way of my dreams.
Ever think about that?
I've been waiting my whole
life to be free of you,
Chang.
[dramatic music]
Fine.
Good luck in podiatry school.
We'll see how you do without me.
Oh, this won't end well.
Good-bye.
- [pants ripping]
- [gasps]
Damn it.
Damn it.
Don't worry. That's just our pants.
- Oh.
- Happens all the time.
Good-bye, Chang.
- I'm Eng.
- I'm Chang.
Looks like I'm all out of money.
Yeah.
What do you think about
me gambling on credit?
You know, for an old friend.
Didn't you tell me
it made you happy that Chinese people
couldn't become American citizens?
Well, I'd just lost a big bet,
and I do think it's a sensible policy.
I have an idea.
[grunts]
This dress is worth $5,000.
More than your family's life.
Lillian's winning streak starts now.
Come on, number four.
Come on, number four.
Did I get it, Mama?
Am I going to be on money?
No.
You didn't get the coin.
You lost out to a buffalo.
I knew you'd ruin this for me again.
Well, maybe I can be on
another America thing.
Like... Like a flag.
Or an eagle.
It's over, Beatrice.
I'm dropping you as a client.
But... but I'm your main daughter.
So much hard work to
get you on the coin,
and all we have to show for it
is this awful drawing
by that no-talent Spaniard.
[gasps]
No.
Frederick.
Frederick, you voted for me, didn't you?
Oh, my dear sweet Beatrice, of
course not.
I got a better bribe from the buffalo.
Beatrice?
What?
Did you get a new dress?
[gentle music]
Yes.
Still got it.
Ah!
May you have four daughters
and live far away from a river.
Argh!
Help.
Officers.
- Officers.
- Oh.
Oh, well, look at this.
Ooh, a young harlot, and she's
totally naked.
I can see her forearms.
[laughs]
Officers.
I'd like to report an illegal
gambling parlor.
And how would a fine
young lady such as yourself
know about an illegal gambling parlor?
I wandered in by accident.
Right, and I suppose you'll
have us believe
that's where you lost your dress?
Ho-ho.
It is actually where I lost my dress.
Where is this so-called
"illegal gambling parlor," then?
Well, it's right here.
I'll show you.
Come. Right this way. [gasps]
[light orchestal music]
Well, welcome to Lucky Miceli's.
How many in your party?
Where did it go? Where's Fan Tan?
Fan Tan. It was right here.
You were there.
Uh, this is an Italian restaurant.
See the garlic?
Classic Italian restaurant décor.
The ravioli wrangler's got a point.
But you don't understand.
I went to the train tracks to
lie across them,
and then a dirt angel gave me a
sticky newspaper,
and inside that newspaper was a
sign that said
I could change my luck, and I
needed to change my luck,
because, well, my sister Beatrice
is a famous pornographic actress
and I'm not famous at all,
so then I went to the Fan Tan
parlor and I met these
Siamese twins, and one of them
wanted to become famous
like me, so I went home with
him, but then his brother
wanted to go to podiatry school,
and he wouldn't stop playing
the clarinet, and then I
couldn't stop thinking about
Fan Tan, so I stole their money
and came back to the casino
and then they came, and they
were so upset, they got
into a huge fight, and then
they... their organs ripped,
but it wasn't really their
organs, it wa...
it was just their pants, and
then I bet my dress
because I couldn't stop thinking
about Fan Tan, and I
just needed to play more Fan Tan.
But I bet you get this all the time.
Why don't you come with us, dear?
To someplace you can relax.
No, no, I just need to play
a little more Fan Tan.
- Come with us.
- Put $50 on number four.
$100 on number three.
Fan Tan. Fan Tan.
Where are we going?
- Where are you taking me?
- Whew.
[upbeat music]
_
Fan Tan. Fan Tan. Where are
you taking me?
[dramatic music]
_
Where are you taking me?
We simply want to live in a world
where we are free to practice
our beliefs as we see fit.
You've got a deal.
Ha-ha.
Oh. That's a cute hat.
I was kidnapped
and I was forced to have sex on camera.
Ah. You've come for me.
- Beatrice.
- Beatrice.
Beatrice, you're a slut. Smile.
Beatrice is a vacant, useless whore,
and that's all she'll ever be.
You're just jealous because
I'm a star and you're not.
♪ Far too lovely
for these eyes to behold ♪
What's the point of living
when Beatrice is famous and I'm not?
♪ And in my shy way, I can't speak ♪
♪ So I wait and wonder when ♪
Oh, Cutie, what's the point of anything
when people you don't even care about
don't know your name
or anything about you?
Let's kill ourselves together.
Going to miss our custom-made
suicide outfits.
[sobs] Come get me, train.
[cries]
- Ah.
- What in... [mutters]
Hey, if you're trying to kill yourself,
this train ain't coming through
here again till Tuesday.
Shit.
Here, give this a read. Kill some time.
I apologize for its stickiness,
but that Beatrice Bellacourt...
ooh, she makes it flow,
if you feel me, huh?
[grunts]
[harp trill]
Oh, and you might want
to try lying diagonal.
Train'll shred you up
real good that way.
Worked on my wife.
"Lucky Chang's Casino."
_
It's a sign.
Who was that dirty angel?
Cutie, there's no problem that
gambling can't solve.
Chinese-town, here we come.
♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪
♪ This is mine, I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪
♪ "Another Period" ♪
[light orchestral music]
[muffled] How about this one, Mother?
Eww. Still too gummy.
This is how a lady smiles.
Faces are hard.
Eww. Frederick got present
skin on me. Get it off.
- Get it off.
- [laughs]
- Very sorry, Madam.
- Ugh.
Master Frederick, where did
you get all these presents?
Oh, these are simply expensive
gifts that I'm accepting
in exchange for political favors.
This one is from the Buffalo Society.
They want to put a buffalo
on the new nickel,
and they need my vote. [chuckles]
There's going to be a new
design on the nickel?
Beatrice.
This is the chance
we've been waiting for.
You know I was the original model
for the Statue of Liberty.
You're not green, Mother.
Of course, I didn't
get to be the statue.
I missed my chance.
But I won't miss yours.
Beatrice, you're going to be on money.
[both giggling]
Beatrice.
I wasn't, I wasn't.
I was just sitting here.
[sinister orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[lively music]
♪ ♪
I've come to drown my sorrows
in the sweet delights
of the game of chance.
Is this Lucky Chang's Casino?
Welcome to America.
Hello.
I'm rich.
Do you speak English?
Is this the right place?
Luck be a lady.
You, my dear, are beautiful.
I know that look.
Sibling problems?
You wouldn't understand.
[scoffs]
You'd be surprised.
Perhaps a game of Fan Tan
would cheer you up?
Why don't you stay and play with us?
"Us"?
I'm Chang.
This is Eng.
Hi.
Guess how many spines we have.
It's two,
and then one, and then two again.
Mm... Siamese.
If Beatrice is going
to get on the nickel,
she needs to look her best.
So I've ordered the latest in
beautification technology
for her makeover.
The goal is to make you
look as much like
a corpse as possible without
actually killing you.
What is this thing, anyway?
Oh, it's an X-ray machine.
It takes pictures of your bones.
That's what servants use it for.
Real people use it to make their
skin pale and sallow.
Garfield, stop looking at my bones,
you pervert.
I would... I wouldn't never...
[stammers] I would never
look at anyone's bones.
What are you doing?
Just figuring out how much
cyanide to inject you with.
Oh, for God's sake,
man, just eyeball it.
The poison will bring out the
ocean-blue color in your veins.
Oh! Oh, it burns, it burns.
Garfield, is the bee box ready?
- Mm-hmm.
- There's a buzzy in there?
Ah. To make your lips fuller.
This will make you appear more
willing and fertile.
[screams]
Presenting the new Beatrice.
Oh.
Beatrice, you look positively
cadaverous.
I... I know. It's like, is
she dead already?
Let me see.
[whimpering]
Mother, I never thought I
could look so beautiful.
And it only hurt a lot.
Beauty is as painful as childbirth,
dear, but far more rewarding.
I believe you're ready.
I'll arrange an artist
to draw your entry
for the nickel competition.
[mumbling] Oh, thank you, Mother.
- What?
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank... thank you, Mother.
[imitating Beatrice] Choo-choo.
Thank you.
Tink ee.
Thank you, Mother.
Crimps.
Thank you, Mother.
It seems that people only value
me for the way I look,
which is great, because I
thought I had no value.
Ow.
[light mystical music]
♪ ♪
Winning number is four.
Oh. I won.
Just like that.
This is almost as easy as being
born rich and beautiful.
That's the magic of Fan Tan.
Where the wand goes, the money grows.
I don't need money.
Oh, you don't play Fan Tan
for the money.
You play it for the rush.
- [giggles]
- If we really wanted
to make money, we should have
went to podiatry school.
Okay.
Enough about the podiatry school.
Feet are recession-proof.
It's a lost art
that some people don't appreciate.
Shh.
We actually play Fan Tan to
forget our troubles.
I totally understand.
I have troubles, too.
My sister is famous.
Beatrice Bellacourt?
Oh, I've... I've never heard of her.
You haven't? Really?
Oh, that's great news.
Yes, you have, Chang.
We just saw her movie.
I said I never heard of her.
Beatrice Bellacourt is your sister?
Whew, she has beautiful blonde hair.
But you have dark hair,
like a Chinese woman.
But you also have white skin,
like a white woman.
Worst of both worlds.
♪ With this life that I got ♪
♪ I'ma do my damn thing ♪
Being the Vice President of
the "Oosa" has its advantages,
and one of those is getting my own copy
of Beatrice's erotic nickelodeon.
I've got my Italian oil,
my velvet sperm catcher,
and my carafe of cocoa.
Finally.
Oh.
[laughs]
God...
[knock at door]
Freddie? What's going on in there?
Oh. Uh, nothing.
Uh, g... uh, I wasn't doing anything.
Just one second.
Just one second.
One second.
Just one second.
Just one second.
One second.
Just one second. One second.
Just one second.
Just one second.
[panting]
Uh, just one second.
Oh.
What are you doing in here?
I... well, I was masturbating.
No.
I... wasn't... I was...
Masturbating...
to a moving picture of my sister.
No. I was not. I was, uh...
[quietly] Oh, think of something.
I was...
I... you see this?
I was... Maass...
Tur...
[quietly] Bating.
[sighs]
Oh, whew.
Whew, that was close.
[modern music]
♪ ♪
Ah. No. That was a birthday
present from myself.
Another loss for the white ghost.
One diamond tiara on number four.
I tell you, as long as I'm
playing Fan Tan,
Beatrice doesn't exist.
I can understand hating your sibling.
Do you hate our sister Bethany?
Not who I was talking about.
How do you deal with it?
Rich inner life. And Fan Tan.
You're a natural, Lillian.
I am pretty good, aren't I?
I mean, I know I'm losing now,
but I tell you, ever since
I've been playing Fan Tan,
I haven't been able to
think of anything else.
How could she be a natural?
Fan Tan's entirely a game of chance.
It just means
Lillian is a very skilled
Fan Tan player, Eng.
But there's absolutely
no skill involved.
She just lost her last four bets.
And the winning number is... three.
Ah.
Last five bets.
Well, I have a feeling
your luck is about to turn.
Wait, so... so you do
understand that it's all luck?
Uh...
Now I'm really confused.
You know, I'm going to do you a favor
and take my break now.
What? You get a break?
Five minutes without Fan Tan?
What am I going to do?
I have one idea.
[sultry music]
[both moaning]
[playing "Hot Cross Buns"]
♪ ♪
My treatments made me very beautiful,
but then I thought,
"What if I was very, very, beautiful?"
Or even very, very beautiful?
[mischievous music]
♪ ♪
[electricity crackling]
[grunts]
[bees buzzing]
[muffled screaming]
[upbeat music]
♪ I'm on the money ♪
♪ When you look at money,
you'll see me ♪
♪ Me, I'm on the money ♪
♪ Poor people will be
so glad to see her ♪
♪ Rich people will be so
glad to love her ♪
♪ She's on the money
she's on the money ♪
♪ She's on the money ♪
♪ Me ♪
♪ She's on the money,
she's on the money ♪
[distorted music]
Ahh!
[gasps] Beatrice.
Ah. Fan Tan.
♪ ♪
Today, the artist I retained
is coming to draw Beatrice's
portrait for her official submission
to the Nickel Selection Committee.
Now, Pablo,
we are hoping for a very
traditional, very classic
rendition of Beatrice.
It is my great pleasure to
paint the beautiful
Bellacourt daughter.
She's very beautiful.
Oh.
My God. Oh, this... here she is.
[whimpers]
[whispered] What have
you done to yourself?
I made myself over and over and over.
Do I look beautiful?
Um...
You're, uh...
Uh, Beatrice, this is, uh,
Pablo the Spaniard.
Um.
An honor to meet you, Miss Bellacourt.
Ah. Your hand is boiling hot.
God damn it.
Really?
'Cause I feel so cold...
so very, very cold.
Oh. [grunts]
Let's just begin, please.
Take a seat, take a seat.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Yes.
- Right.
[light upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Oh, come along, Beatrice.
There's my star. Beautiful girl.
You're a star.
Smile.
- Okay...
- [groaning]
This is no... um...
Smile.
Okay, great.
You know, maybe I should just go.
It's only a 40-day boat
ride back to Spain.
Pablo, don't be ridiculous.
You'll look fabulous, darling.
♪ ♪
[teeth cracking]
[whimpering]
Ow. Uh oh.
Oy.
This one's gone.
Eh. I will just finish this quickly...
Oh!
[gentle music]
I... dios mío.
♪ Come on, number four. Come
on, number four ♪
♪ Come on, number four,
come on, number four ♪
There she is.
Hey, you stole our money.
I don't really need your
judgment right now.
I need support.
Come on, number four.
Specifically, I need $20,000
to keep riding on this Fan Tan train.
Come on, number four.
Let's get out of here, Eng. Ah!
I know what you're
going through, Lillian.
You and I, we're the same on the inside.
Except for having all your organs.
You've always stood in the way
of my dreams,
or at least to the right of them.
Maybe you're the one
who's always stood in
the way of my dreams.
Ever think about that?
I've been waiting my whole
life to be free of you,
Chang.
[dramatic music]
Fine.
Good luck in podiatry school.
We'll see how you do without me.
Oh, this won't end well.
Good-bye.
- [pants ripping]
- [gasps]
Damn it.
Damn it.
Don't worry. That's just our pants.
- Oh.
- Happens all the time.
Good-bye, Chang.
- I'm Eng.
- I'm Chang.
Looks like I'm all out of money.
Yeah.
What do you think about
me gambling on credit?
You know, for an old friend.
Didn't you tell me
it made you happy that Chinese people
couldn't become American citizens?
Well, I'd just lost a big bet,
and I do think it's a sensible policy.
I have an idea.
[grunts]
This dress is worth $5,000.
More than your family's life.
Lillian's winning streak starts now.
Come on, number four.
Come on, number four.
Did I get it, Mama?
Am I going to be on money?
No.
You didn't get the coin.
You lost out to a buffalo.
I knew you'd ruin this for me again.
Well, maybe I can be on
another America thing.
Like... Like a flag.
Or an eagle.
It's over, Beatrice.
I'm dropping you as a client.
But... but I'm your main daughter.
So much hard work to
get you on the coin,
and all we have to show for it
is this awful drawing
by that no-talent Spaniard.
[gasps]
No.
Frederick.
Frederick, you voted for me, didn't you?
Oh, my dear sweet Beatrice, of
course not.
I got a better bribe from the buffalo.
Beatrice?
What?
Did you get a new dress?
[gentle music]
Yes.
Still got it.
Ah!
May you have four daughters
and live far away from a river.
Argh!
Help.
Officers.
- Officers.
- Oh.
Oh, well, look at this.
Ooh, a young harlot, and she's
totally naked.
I can see her forearms.
[laughs]
Officers.
I'd like to report an illegal
gambling parlor.
And how would a fine
young lady such as yourself
know about an illegal gambling parlor?
I wandered in by accident.
Right, and I suppose you'll
have us believe
that's where you lost your dress?
Ho-ho.
It is actually where I lost my dress.
Where is this so-called
"illegal gambling parlor," then?
Well, it's right here.
I'll show you.
Come. Right this way. [gasps]
[light orchestal music]
Well, welcome to Lucky Miceli's.
How many in your party?
Where did it go? Where's Fan Tan?
Fan Tan. It was right here.
You were there.
Uh, this is an Italian restaurant.
See the garlic?
Classic Italian restaurant décor.
The ravioli wrangler's got a point.
But you don't understand.
I went to the train tracks to
lie across them,
and then a dirt angel gave me a
sticky newspaper,
and inside that newspaper was a
sign that said
I could change my luck, and I
needed to change my luck,
because, well, my sister Beatrice
is a famous pornographic actress
and I'm not famous at all,
so then I went to the Fan Tan
parlor and I met these
Siamese twins, and one of them
wanted to become famous
like me, so I went home with
him, but then his brother
wanted to go to podiatry school,
and he wouldn't stop playing
the clarinet, and then I
couldn't stop thinking about
Fan Tan, so I stole their money
and came back to the casino
and then they came, and they
were so upset, they got
into a huge fight, and then
they... their organs ripped,
but it wasn't really their
organs, it wa...
it was just their pants, and
then I bet my dress
because I couldn't stop thinking
about Fan Tan, and I
just needed to play more Fan Tan.
But I bet you get this all the time.
Why don't you come with us, dear?
To someplace you can relax.
No, no, I just need to play
a little more Fan Tan.
- Come with us.
- Put $50 on number four.
$100 on number three.
Fan Tan. Fan Tan.
Where are we going?
- Where are you taking me?
- Whew.
[upbeat music]
_
Fan Tan. Fan Tan. Where are
you taking me?
[dramatic music]
_
Where are you taking me?
We simply want to live in a world
where we are free to practice
our beliefs as we see fit.
You've got a deal.
Ha-ha.
Oh. That's a cute hat.